Consistency

Insufficient Funds

Reticulating Splines

Critical Beatdown

Bread Dick

God damn fucking fluuuuuuuuu

Although Consistency took a turn for the weird after the last update, even I don't know what's going on with that any more.

24 #228 228 Houndour Dark Fire
24 #296 296 Makuhita Fighting
24 #443 443 Gible Dragon Ground
25 #060 060 Poliwag Water
25 #074 074 Geodude Rock Ground
25 #092 092 Gastly Ghost Poison
25 #177 177 Natu Psychic Flying
25 #223 223 Remoraid Water
25 #231 231 Phanpy Ground
25 #278 278 Wingull Water Flying
25 #420 420 Cherubi Grass
25 #524 524 Roggenrola Rock
25 #532 532 Timburr Fighting
25 #535 535 Tympole Water
26 #050 050 Diglett Ground
26 #096 096 Drowzee Psychic
26 #309 309 Electrike Electric
26 #316 316 Gulpin Poison
26 #418 418 Buizel Water
27 #170 170 Chinchou Water Electric
27 #188 188 Skiploom Grass Flying
27 #522 522 Blitzle Electric
28 #052 052 Meowth Normal

After meticulous calculations, you go and gather twenty-three Pokemon of specific species and lay them out on floor plates 24 to 28. You aren't sure why you think loading eleven onto Plate 25 will work, or why you're leaving 1-23 blank, but hey, you didn't design this crazy puzzle.

When you finish doing that, you enter the Pokedex numbers, names, and types of all the Pokemon into the terminals next to each floor plate. Finally, you go to the big button in front of the door and press "INPUT".

And then the ceiling starts to crumble. Looks like you entered the excessively complicated self-destruct code instead of the excessively complicated door code! What are you going to do now?

chickens chickens from the sky
will you float or will you die
in to fight with fencing sheep
en garde and dance, to die, to sleep.

Yes, you're sure that's how the national anthem goes. You sing the words at the border guard.

He growls.

"That is not the national anthem of Twinkletwinkle. In fact, it's the worst corruption of the anthem I've ever heard. You are clearly no citizen. Get out!"

Well, that could have gone better. Looks like the gate isn't really an option now, you'll have to find some other way into Twinkletwinkle. What are you going to do?

apach

H_R_S___ORD
HaRpSachRD

"I'm sorry, that's wrong. You lose 800 dollars for a wrong guess."

Dammit! You were close, too, you can feel it. But the worst part is, your opponent is looking really sure of herself. She thinks she can get the answer. And that would mean you'd lose for sure!
Your only hope here is to make her miss the answer so you can get another shot at it. But what can you possibly do?

A severe lack of ketchup.

You answer confidently.

"A severe lack of ketchup o'clock!" you declare.

The Gigasphinx simply glares at you.

"That was supposed to be an easy riddle," it growls. "The correct answer was 'Time to get more ketchup", how did you get that wrong? Oh well, job's a job, I'm going to eat you now."

You have some pretty severe objections to being eaten. What are you going to do about this?

apach

Yes, that's it! The Secret Quote is "apach", said by Dragon Fogel. You're sure of this, and answer confidently.

"I'm sorry, the correct answer was 'Give me liberty or give me death,' and it was said by Patrick Henry. And since you wagered everything on the question, your points are back to zero."

Drat! How could you have gotten that quote wrong? You're sure your answer was correct!

Wait... Maybe the judges just didn't realize it was a possible answer! You could ask for a challenge! But if you do that, you're going to need to present some kind of proof.

What proof do you have to offer?

Insufficient Funds

You think you've figured it out! The Insufficient Funds error is the right way to access the secret file. You quickly head on eBay and buy everything you can and...

Oh, whoops. You did get an Insufficient Funds error, but it didn't do anything. Plus, you just realized that you used your own account to do this. You're completely out of money now, moron. And you're no closer to opening the secret file!

So how are you going to fix this mess?

Reticulating Splines

You decide that the correct door is the one marked "Reticulating Splines". You enter it and...

oh god why

why did you pick this door why

splines should not be able to reticulate like that

When you recover your senses, you try to rush back through the door, but it's mysteriously locked itself behind it. Looks like you'll need to come up with another plan for getting out of here.

Critical Beatdown

Looking at the pattern of your opponent's moves so far, you think his next attack will be a Critical Beatdown. You prepare yourself to counter it.

But he just used a Knucleduster Supreme instead! Damn, that hurts.

You're down to just 15 HP. If you mess up one more time, you've had it. What's the next move going to be?

Bread Dick

That's it! The tiny man's name must be Bread Dick! You tell him that, sure that this will mean he won't take away your firstborn child as payment for spinning that straw into gold.

He just glares at you.

"That is a very rude name to call someone. If you insult me like that again, I'll demand your second child as well."

This negotiation isn't going too well for you. Maybe you need to try a different approach here. But what?

God damn fucking fluuuuuuuuu

You think that the patient's symptoms point towards the God damn fucking fluuuuuuuuu, and give them instructions to treat it.

A week later, they come back with a nose twice as swollen and looking twice as green. To your horror, you realize that they must have had the God damn fucking fluuuuuuuuuu instead! And your hasty treatment has only made it worse.

Normally, you'd prescribe them three doses of Thisstufftastesfuckinawful a day, but at this advanced stage, and with the previous treatments still in their system, you're not sure this will work out. What should you tell them to do?

Although Consistency took a turn for the weird after the last update, even I don't know what's going on with that any more.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! This isn't the solution you had in mind, but you just realized that you made a mistake in the puzzle. It doesn't affect your intended solution, but it makes this one look possible. And now it's a popular answer.

Geez, you were so careless. If you went with this decoding, it would take the entire adventure in the exact opposite direction from what you want! But if you corrected the puzzle, that might give away the solution you wanted.

You've got to do something, though. And fast. The bomb attached to your arm will explode if you don't update in the next three minutes. How are you going to resolve this problem?

do the steve martin. get busy y'all.

> Barber: Judge.
> Judge: Cut hair.
> Arrows: Point.

zl';dg

Czech the Turkey.

[undefined=undefined]

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

apach

---

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

How many times do I have to tell you?! THIS is the laundry chute, and THIS is the incinerator!

Wherein love is found in unexpected places

do the steve martin. get busy y'all.

After careful consideration, you decide to go with a Steve Martin hairdo, and tell your barber as such. He seems skeptical, but you tell him to get busy.

While you wait for him to cut your hair, you can think about where you're going for dinner tonight. Where will it be?

> Barber: Judge.

A Steve Martin hairdo? What is this guy's problem? You're judging him SO hard here. SO hard.

In fact, you've had it with this barber gig. In frustration, you just hand the scissors to the next customer and tell him to do it before storming out of your shop.

God, why did you ever become a barber? You should take up another line of work. But what?

> Judge: Cut hair.

You stair at the shears just thrust into your hand. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. You were going to get a haircut before the case today, and now the barber's gone.

Worse, checking your watch, you see that it's later than you thought. Opening arguments are in half an hour!

But right now there's a guy impatiently demanding a Steve Martin hairdo, and the next customer is glaring at you to do something about it. He also has a rather imposing bow drawn, with an arrow pointed directly at your head. Actually, two arrows. This guy doesn't mess around.

The case will have to wait, you've got a haircut to deal with. But there's one problem: You don't know what Steve Martin looks like! What are you going to do?

> Arrows: Point.

You're already doing that! And as you've already explained, your name is not "Arrows", it's "Rubin Hoode". Pay attention already!

In any case, your arrow is firmly pointed in the judge's direction, to ensure he finishes this haircut in a timely manner. You've been waiting here for two hours and you're not going to let the barber's abrupt resignation get in your way.

Although, standing like this and holding a bow is rather tiring. You wonder if there's a simpler way to threaten the judge, who sure is taking his sweet time here.

As you reflect on this, you spy a costumed figure out the window. Oh, great. It's that irritating do-gooder, Zach Lantern!

Dammit, your worthless sidekick was supposed to warn you about these sorts of things. You'll have to reprimand him later. But Lantern is your concern right now. If he sees you in here, he's sure to interfere with your plans. (Your plans to get a haircut.) How will you keep him out?

zl';dg

You're totally going to do good! For starters, you're going to point out that the suggester probably meant to use a colon, not a semi-colon. There's no clear reason for that apostrophe, either.

Proper grammar is the first step to justice!

But more to the point, you think you just spotted that bow-wielding freak in the barber shop. He's probably up to no good. Of course, if he spots you, there's no telling what he might do; plus, wherever Arrows is, chances are that weird sidekick of his who keeps changing his name isn't far behind.

You'll have to think about this carefully. How will you thwart Arrows' nefarious scheme?

Czech the Turkey.

Yes! Czech the Turkey! This is the perfect new identity, you can hardly wait to tell your boss about it!

Oh, yeah, your boss. He wanted you to warn him if you saw Jack Plankton or whatever his name is. You glance through your binoculars and...

Oh. Uh. Jack's really close to the barber shop. Warning old Arrows isn't going to be easy. In fact, you might actually be a bit late, what with coming up with a new name, and also that part where you had to hide from the weirdo who owns this store. (Good thing he had to leave to deal with some lawsuit or something, that barrel was damn uncomfortable.)

Anyhow, it may be late, but you're still doing your job! After all, Czech the Turkey's never let his boss down yet! (Even if Disappointment Boy and Failure Kid did.) How are you going to warn him?

[undefined=undefined]

Yes, this is the core of your complaint, you explain to your lawyer. The customer wanted to pay a defined amount of money for an undefined object. Due to the link between your body and your mind, this sustained contradiction caused you great physical injury.

As your unique physiology requires particularly expensive care, which your insurance is unwilling to cover, you find it necessary to seek compensation from the customer in order to pay your bills in a timely manner.

Your lawyer informs you that you probably won't have a case unless you can show that the customer could plausibly have known he was causing injury to you. You must carefully reflect on the day of the incident, and consider the specifics of the situation. What evidence, if any, might have allowed him to come to the conclusion that his own ramblings were the source of your distress?

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

This is bad. You were supposed to kill the shopkeeper with irrational demands his mind couldn't process, not merely wound him. Not only are you going to miss out on your payment from the Association of Pretentious Assholes and Callous Haters, but you're caught up in a lawsuit!

And if your real identity is outed in the lawsuit, you'll be out of work for ages. So you've only got one chance you can see.

You insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord, revealing the entrance to your secret lair. Then you slip into your costume. Since your worthless lawyer's vanished, it looks like you'll need to stage your own kidnapping. Again.

But how? You were nearly caught last time. You can't use the same plan. So what's your tactic this time around?

apach

---

Much as you dislike the thought, you decide to go to APACH HQ and get a copy of your client's contract. You need to know exactly what he was told if you're going to defend him properly.

Of course, if anyone else involved, like the lawyer for the other side, were to find out about this, it could just make your problems worse. But you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Right now, though, you've got to cross this bridge. Which is made of acid. And is suspended over a pool of molten lava with electric sharks in it.

So how are you going to do that?

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

How many times do I have to tell you?! THIS is the laundry chute, and THIS is the incinerator!

Your client seems lost in thought. You decide to check on your files, which you keep in the laundry room for obvious reasons.

As you make your way there, you spot some pointy rocks in a laundry basket. You sigh, and wave your assistant over. Once again, you explain to him the difference between the laundry chute and the incinerator. And once again, he explains that he knows, and he didn't drop the rocks down.

You sigh. If not for the fact that he was an orphan and has nowhere else to go, plus the fact that the fate of the world will rest in his hands one day, you'd fire him for the constant disrespect he shows you. How many times has he dropped rocks in the laundry chute now?

Well, you were clear enough last time that you'd come up with a new punishment for him if it happened again. What's it going to be?

Wherein love is found in unexpected places

Goddamn, why doesn't the boss get it?

You wish you could tell him about how this works. The laundry room and the incinerator are in love. The rocks are gifts from the incinerator to the laundry room. It's so obvious, and yet he'd think you were lying to him even more if you told him.

You're also not sure what the rocks are for, exactly, or why there are so many of them lying around a law office, but you figure the boss would just get mad at you for not already understanding that.

Anyhow, he's going to throw some kind of new punishment at you, not that you intend to stick around long enough to find out what it is. You wish you'd thought of an escape plan for this months ago, but it looks like you need one now. So what are you going to do?

There once was a woman from Venus
Who did remarkable things with a-

Let's Build A Snowman

That escalated quickly.

somehow

play squelchy, ugly bass

There once was a woman from Venus
Who did remarkable things with a-

Thinking quickly, you start recite a dirty limerick. Before the gunmen realize what's going on, a muscular man dressed in black smashes through the wall, knocking the gunmen out with the debris. He rushes over to the chair you're tied to, and puts his hand over your mouth.

"Don't say that!" Censorman tells you. "There might be children watching."

Well, that plan worked out. But Censorman's still holding your mouth shut, and you're tied up. How are you going to warn anyone about Dr. Vanity's evil plan?

Let's Build A Snowman

You've finally decided on the title of your self-help book: Let's Build A Snowman! This is the perfect connecting thread for your themes of cooperation, a good sense of aesthetics, structural design, and playing in the snow.

You decide to write using your own experiences of building a snowman with someone, but you have two problems. First, you don't know anyone else around here all that well. Second, you live on a tropical island with no snow. How are you going to build a snowman here, and who are you going to convince to help you?

That escalated quickly.

"That escalated quickly," you say to the unconscious thug as the escalator carries him up. You gain only three Quip Points for this one, it's not your best work. Still, it's better than nothing.

Well, you've got a whole shopping mall full of thugs to take care of, but before that, you should invest the Quip Points you just got so you're better prepared. What skills will you upgrade this time?

somehow

It's settled. Possibly is a good sword and it's served you well, but for this job, you're going to need something with more range. You take your trusty bow, Somehow.

Now you've got to decide on your route. There are three ways you can get to the enemy castle - you can go through the Maybe Cave, the Perhaps Forest, or the Could Be Desert. The forest is relatively safe, but it's also well-patrolled. The cave is more lightly patrolled, but it dumps you out at the heavily guarded main entrance. And the desert is really nasty, but if you survive it you'll reach the lightly-guarded rear entrance. Plus they don't bother sending patrols into it.

What's it going to be?

play squelchy, ugly bass

You pick up your squelchy, ugly bass guitar and play the song "Squelchy, Ugly Bass". The giant squelchy, ugly bass is disgusted by the sound, and crawls back into the depths of the water.

You breathe a sigh of relief. With that fish out of the way, there's nothing standing between you and the squelchy, ugly base. Of course, actually infiltrating it will be tough. Before you head up the stairs, are there any last-minute preparations you need to do? You might not get another chance once you go in.

LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS HEAR MY PRAYER
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS DOESN'T CARE

>Abscond, lightly carrying dust.

What is it all worth in the end?

> Prepare to pump out the jams as you slide the cassette into that sweet, sexy place carved out just for it. Put the left earbud into your left ear, then your right earbud into your right ear.

> Put your light earbud into your light year.

> Put your center earbud into your center ear.

hack his face