Consistency

Chickety china, the Chinese chicken.

>Scream. Scream to drown out all the voices.

Chickety china, the Chinese chicken.

Take one bite, so that your heart stops tickin'.

Uh-oh, flat tire.

Damn. Flat Tires are the most dangerous monsters in the area, you definitely don't want to deal with one if you can help it. Maybe if you'd bought that overpriced Tire Iron, you'd be better equipped for this fight, but it looks like that's not an option.

You'll either have to get away before it notices you, or figure out some way to fight it despite your lack of preparations. What's the plan?

>Land ho!

You check the map again, and pilot a landing course to the horthoast. That looks like the best place to start your infiltration.

You land on the outskirts of one of the Earth cities, and begin scanning the local life forms for a suitable one to imitate. It seems there are quite a few of them; perhaps you can think of some features you'd like for your disguise that will help you narrow down the search?

>Land ho!

You've looked over the vehicles long enough. You decide that, while a Sea Ho or Sky Ho or Space Ho might be useful later, for now a Land Ho will serve your needs, and it's considerably cheaper. You can always sell it if you need to upgrade later, you reason.

But wait - there are five colors of Land Ho. Green, Blue, Red, Yellow, and Black. Because of the incredible significance of color to your culture, you realize that this will be a very important decision. You'll need to reflect on this.

Which color of Land Ho will best reflect your personality?

> Land ho!

You've been flying long enough. You ask your ho to land right here; you'll walk the rest of the way.

As she lands, she coughs noticeably and holds out her hand. Oh, right, you need to pay her. You reach for your wallet and--

What the? It's gone! Someone must have snatched it earlier in the night! But the ho expects payment for your flight, and you know you'll have to pay her somehow before you leave, assuming you enjoy having unbroken limbs. What are you going to do?

> Ho Land!

Yes, that's perfect! You decide to declare your new North Pole nation as Ho Land. Where everyone will be jolly!

You've got the national application form written up now, all that's left is sending it to the UN for ratification. There's just one problem; they may not take a form signed by "Santa Claus" seriously. What can you do to ensure that they at least hold a vote to recognize Ho Land as a sovereign nation?

Lo, Hand!

You decide that, having spotted the notorious assassin The Hand Of Painful Death skulking in the shadows, the best course of action is to greet him.

"Lo, Hand!" you say, waving at him.

Two seconds later, he has a venomous knife held to your throat. Maybe this wasn't the best approach. How are you going to get out of this?

Camp Lo.

Your target is decided. Camp Lo is a longer journey, but it's not as well defended as Camp Hi or Camp Med. Now you just need to pick out your equipment for this mission.

First off, you'll need a weapon, just in case you do run into enemy soldiers. What should it be?

Lo Mein.

Yes! Those were the last words of the incantation! You're sure of it!

"Abra cadabra, locus apocus, zoomo moono, talla hassee, lo mein!"

You complete the summoning spell, and a shadowy figure emerges from the depths of your pentagram. As the arcane smoke clears, its features are revealed.

It has a muscular red-skinned body, fearsome wings, dreadful horns, and is wearing a uniform.

"Here's your delivery," it says, handing you a paper bag. You look inside and find an order of Chinese food.

The elder mages are whispering something as they watch you. Somehow, you think they're not impressed. You're probably not going to pass this trial and join their ranks, and instead will be thrown into the Pit of Despair for eternity.

Your only hope is to somehow convince them this is what you actually wanted to do. But how are you going to do that?

Chickety china, the Chinese chicken.

Yes! That's your new superhero identity: Chickety China, the Chinese Chicken!

It might make more sense if you were Chinese and your powers were chicken-related, but who cares about the details. You've got crimes to thwart!

Or at least, you're pretty sure you've got crimes to thwart. Admittedly, you're not sure where any of them are taking place right now. Where should you start looking for trouble?

>Scream. Scream to drown out all the voices.

Yeah, that's a good idea. You're the loudest banshee in all of Ireland, you're not going to stand by while these losers engage in worthless chitchat.

You howl loudly, and the other banshees stop and turn towards you. You've got their attention now; what should you say to them?

Take one bite, so that your heart stops tickin'.

That's it! Your arms and legs may be bound, but your mouth isn't! You carefully bite the pink wire, and the bomb attached to your heart stops.

Now you've got some time to think. For starters, how are you going to get down from this high pole they've tied you to? And maybe coming up with a plan to stop the terrorists would be good, too.

Open your notebook, and take a letter.

Admit your foul deeds.

> What the? It's gone! Someone must have snatched it earlier in the night! But the ho expects payment for your flight, and you know you'll have to pay her somehow before you leave, assuming you enjoy having unbroken limbs. What are you going to do?

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

> It's time to go to the laundromat!

Break the H-Scroll

Open your notebook, and take a letter.

No! You've removed enough letter_ already! You can only preform the ritual a finite amount! You'll be completely illiterate at your current rate!

But, he did die for you, and he protected you from the creature you brought forth. Your whole being cringe_ at the thought of preforming alphamancy again, but here...you have no choice. You reach into your NOTEBOOK and REMOVE the letter "R".

"REVIVE!"

It worked! Cla_ence live_ again! oh, but the _pell wo_ked too well! The C_eatu_e wa_ _e__u_ected with Cla_ence!

How will you and Cla_ence flee?

Admit your foul deeds.

"Right this way! Come on in!"

Boy this sure is a long line! You had no idea you had been such an degenerate in your last life! You're gonna have to put on a heck of a show if you don't want to be reincarnated as a dust mite.

you haaate being a dustmite

Uh oh! It's getting close to curtain call. But you still haven't figured out how you're going to open the show! It has to be really catchy if these guys are gonna be absolved.

How will you get things going?

> What the? It's gone! Someone must have snatched it earlier in the night! But the ho expects payment for your flight, and you know you'll have to pay her somehow before you leave, assuming you enjoy having unbroken limbs. What are you going to do?

Yes! This is clearly the best intro for Pimpdiana Jones and the Phallus of Glee! Your ROM-COM ratings will go through the roof! Japan has nothing on your date sims!

You log on to SMUTBOOK to update your PROGRESS LOG - but wait - Oh no! That SMUG JAPANESE MOTHER FKCER BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH!

There sitting in your inbox is an invite to the beta test of : SHORTROUND'S HOTTIE QUEST. GAH! He even stole your INTRO GRAPHIC!

That's it. You can't give up yet. You already built the engine, all you need is a new theme.

What is your new theme?

Ho x thousands

Wow, he hasn't even gotten to the second "ho" yet. This really is going to be the longest Christmas ever.

Welp. It might night be "forever" but it will be long enough to keep that brat happy. Third wish done and completed.

Now where will you hide your lamp next?

> It's time to go to the laundromat!

With your mesmerism kit locked in your car, you figure the swirly swishings of soiled undies will probably be the next best thing. You'll hypnotize this momma bird if it's the last thing you do.

You check the shoebox for your tiny charge...

Oh no! Fliterous is gone! Even if you do get his mother to take him back it wont do much good if he isn't here!

Where did Fliterous escape to?

Break the H-Scroll

"Noooo nooo please don't I have a family!" The scroll continues to cry at you.

You do feel a little sorry for it, but at the same time, if you don't break it, how will you get the sweet-sweet scroll nectar at it's center.

"please they'll die without me! I'll give you anything you want, plea-"

*CRACK*

Sorry buddy, not my problem.

Okay you only need one more ingredient for Mama. Oh boy Mama makes the best meals! You check the list for the final item:

What is the final ingredient?

tHE iDES OF mARCH

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Plant the flag at the peak!

fhqwhgads

Flabbergast 'em.

tHE iDES OF mARCH

You stare at the buttons under the tiles for a while and finally settle on an idea; you'll press the ones under the letters in your own name.

As you press the buttons in "TIM", they turn lowercase. The door opens.

But it concerns you that the hint to this puzzle involved your own name. Did whoever made this puzzle expect you to come across it? Granted, Tim isn't exactly an uncommon name, but it's still bugging you.

Regardless, you move through the door. You've come too far to give up now.

The puzzle here seems to involve a large wheel with the letters of the alphabet on it. A nearby plaque says "Merry Christmas, Tim."

You're not sure what to make of the fact that this clue has your name in it, or the fact that it's mid-July.

Looking closer, you see there's a window at the top of the wheel. It looks big enough to fit one letter. What's the solution?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

You decide to start with the mission in _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _; security in ********* is way too tight, and there's just too much ground to cover in .

The plane flies over _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and you parachute out, landing in a field far out of sight from their few sentries. You made it in.

But there's still one problem. The people of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ are extremely xenophobic; you'll need to get your hands on some of the local clothing to blend in. Fortunately, you're one of the few foreign experts on the language, so you don't have to worry about that; but how are you going to find a disguise unnoticed?

Plant the flag at the peak!

You take out your shovel and dig the flag seeds in at the top of the hill. You should get a nice harvest of flags this year, they like the higher elevation.

That leaves the bird seeds and the truck seeds to deal with. One's going in the valley, and the other's going in the barn. But which should you plant where?

fhqwhgads

hzjkwn nwsjmqnsm jsgdjshwnd wpjshshds

ncksjw dslqnc, pslpwslqh

ksndhsw gspldw?

Flabbergast 'em.

You turn to the demons and grin. Sure, they may be stronger than you. Maybe even smarter than you. And also they have incredibly potent evil magic and could destroy your soul.

But are they ready for THIS?

...Wait, what just happened? Where'd my protagonist go?

Demons, did you guys eat him or something? No? So where's he gone?

Um. Hang on, everyone, I'll figure this out. In the meantime, why don't you tell our demon friends what to do.

Repeat yourself.

Repeat yourself.

Repeat yourself.

Repeat yourself.

"Yourself! Yourself!" you shout in vain.

But it's no good. He's still dying. You'll have to act fast if you're going to save Yourself!

Repeat yourself.

So, this doppelganger is mimicking your every move perfectly? Two can play at that game.

After he sticks his tongue out at you, you stick your tongue out at him. Then he sticks his tongue out at you. Then you stick your tongue out at him. Then he...

Okay, this isn't working, and your tongue is getting tired. Maybe another tactic is in order.

Repeat yourself.

Okay, you don't know why this giant clone of you decided to swallow you whole, but you're not going to let him digest you.

Fortunately, you know enough about anatomy to figure out where to kick in order to cause just enough discomfort. A few moments later, you repeat on yourself, and emerge messily from your stomach.

That was pretty unpleasant. Giant you is reeling from it, though. Looks like this is your chance to act!

Repeat yourself.

Oh god, how embarrassing. The other swamp monsters are still staring at you.

Quickly, you excuse yourself and leave the party. You find some more peat moss, and slather it on. Ah, that's better. Now you don't feel naked and vulnerable.

You're just about to head to the party when you hear a noise. You peer out of the nearby bushes and see some humans with hunting gear!

Oh great. Humans. Every week or so, a few of them show up trying to find you guys, and then they try to take you back to a lab or something stupid like that. Ugh, it's such a pain.

Well, everyone else is busy with the party. You may as well take care of these guys before you head back. What are you going to do?

Bake some delicious mint brownies.

Take 6 paragraphs to die.

You need a wizard!

Stop to smell the daffodils