The Antiquated Scrolls XIV: Skyrim

Enter the shop and get hired as a "sales associate"

Fill your inventory with apples and potatoes and apples flavored potatoes and whatever else they keep in those barrels.

Use your axe and destroy a few barrels for loot.

Steal the dog and get out of town before the cops get you

You’re not quite ready to ruin your standing in this town as well, but you gaze wistfully at the real dog that exists and promise yourself one day you will liberate them from this dismal little town.

Attack ground in search of possible treasure

Thwack! You slice wildly into the ground with your unreasonably large axe and unearth a hidden cache of buried treasure.



You get a voice line for ulfric stormcloak (“We oughta defend this watch tower!”), three sprays (though one is a duplicate) and a Legendary worm! Not a bad haul. Oh and what’s this there was a card at the bottom.



“Wow, just one thousand gems?” Not-Ralof swoons. “What incredible value! I sure hope you can buy gems with real money.”

Fill your inventory with apples and potatoes and apples flavored potatoes and whatever else they keep in those barrels.

Nothing but cheese wheels in these barrels, apparently. You grab as many of them as you can without becoming encumbered.

Pull that lever. Also keep an eye out for buttons to press.

Pulling levers! Conveyer belts! Sawblades! Cutting up those blocks of wood! Yeah this is the life! Yeah!!!

Enter the shop and get hired as a "sales associate"

And check the quest in case it involves more lever-pulling.

You step into the Missing Locket General Store. “Oh cruel heavens!” moans the man behind the counter. “Oh how the divines themselves have forsaken me! Oh what wretched fortune has befallen me. If only some brave adventurer would offer me aid and release me from this cruel fate.” He slumps melodramatically onto the counter and dies instantaneously.

“Oh you’ll have to excuse my brother,” the lady beside the counter says, “he’s just upset because our special locket went missing into a nearby ruins. I don’t suppose you’re a brave adventurer who could go into those ruins and rescue our dear beloved locket are you?”



You ask if there will be levers. “Oh yes, probably. And probably a puzzle where you have to open a door using a series of symbols conveniently written down on a broken piece of nearby architecture. Everyone loves that puzzle, very immersive we all say.” You make some vague assurances that you’ll take a look if you happen to be in the area but don’t promise anything.



>

Man, forget this podunk town and its podunk quests! This is kid stuff! You don't have time to find some cheap locket. You need to get down to Whiterun where the real action is! The hustle and bustle of the big city! Museums, theatres, clubs, restaurants, Whiterun has it all! You've heard that the Cloud District is the swingin'est place in that swingin' metropolis, and it's high time you made your mark in the big city.

welath beyond measure, outlander

Are you sure you're ready to head to Whiterun? I hear things can be pretty pricey there. Maybe you should pick some flowers first. Folks love to buy flowers in Whiterun.

Oh you should definitely go and bother those bandits.

Man, forget this podunk town and its podunk quests!  This is kid stuff!  You don't have time to find some cheap locket.  You need to get down to Whiterun where the real action is!  The hustle and bustle of the big city!  Museums, theatres, clubs, restaurants, Whiterun has it all!  You've heard that the Cloud District is the swingin'est place in that swingin' metropolis, and it's high time you made your mark in the big city.

You’ve had enough of hanging around in this tiny town with its stupid barrels full of cheese and cool sawmills that serve no purpose whatsoever in progressing the story. This shitty little town doesn’t even have a Jarl! What the heck are you even doing here?


Suddenly the door bursts open and in bursts the Jarl of Riverwood.

“Hail and well met my dear citizens. Hail and well met strange and mysterious visitor to our quaint little town. I’m Aqueous Lignum, the Jarl of this fair town.” They introduce themselves.


“I’m just back from my trip to Whiterun, a little ahead of schedule because the gates of the city have been closed. There is a crisis my friends. The Jarl’s assistant, Magicus Mannicus, really needs a spell book that got lost in an ancient ruin somewhere nearby to our fair little town, and so they’ve locked the gates until someone will procure that most precious tome.”


“I’ve been going door to door to see if any adventurous sorts might offer their help in this time of crisis, but we’re just a bunch of useless peasants here in Riverwood. We’d never be able to solve the riddles of an ancient ruins, and we’d probably go to the bathroom inside our pants if we ever had to see a draugr up close, whatever one of those is.”

Oh you should definitely go and bother those bandits.

           


You don’t like the sound of these draugrs, whatever they are. You recall passing by an inconsequential mine where some bandits had taken over on your way to Riverwood. It’d probably be easier to go there than wherever these ancient ruins are and look for the amulet/spell book there instead.


You suggest this alternative to the owner of the Missing Amulet General Store and the Jarl of Riverwood. They seem on board with your idea.

Are you sure you're ready to head to Whiterun? I hear things can be pretty pricey there. Maybe you should pick some flowers first. Folks love to buy flowers in Whiterun.

It might be a hot minute before you can head for Whiterun, but in the meantime there’s nothing wrong with picking a few flowers. You and Not-Ralof have a lovely afternoon picking flowers. But soon you are ready to make your next move.

>

Purchase cabbage! It will aid you in your Quest against Banditry!

Overencumbered!?? How is this possible? Check your inventory.

Some of these flowers could probably be combined into potions. Potions fetch a higher price and are easier to transport. Some of them even have cool effects that could be useful, like healing you or knocking you out. Stagger slowly back to Riverwood with your load of flowers. You're pretty sure there's an alchemy lab there somewhere. If worst comes to worst you can probably use the blacksmith's workbench; I'm sure he won't mind, and it's basically the same thing. Crafting is crafting, right?

Purchase cabbage! It will aid you in your Quest against Banditry!

Cabbage has innumerable uses and will certainly play a pivotal role in you defeating the Bandit King that you expect you will probably find in that podunk abandoned mine.


Your return to Riverwood is hampered by the sheer number of wheels of cheese and flowers in your inventory. In the end you have to leave your enormous executioner’s axe behind as Not-Ralof drags you back to town.


You request the purchase of a cabbage and activate the shop owner’s transaction menu.




“Hey you don’t have enough g to afford a cabbage right now.” Sister Lockethaver interrupts your browsing.


Damn she is right though. Maybe you could sell one of your 104 cheese wheels, or some of the flowers you picked with Not-Ralof.

Some of these flowers could probably be combined into potions.  Potions fetch a higher price and are easier to transport.  Some of them even have cool effects that could be useful, like healing you or knocking you out. You're pretty sure there's an alchemy lab there somewhere.  If worst comes to worst you can probably use the blacksmith's workbench; I'm sure he won't mind, and it's basically the same thing.  Crafting is crafting, right?

You’ve never done an alchemy before but it’s never too late to learn. You ask Sister Lockethaver where the nearest alchemy bench is.
“Alchemy Benches?” Sister Lockethaver muses. “I don’t think we have them in our little podunk town. Maybe Miss Blades Lady who runs the inn next door has one in her secret basement but I’m pretty sure I don’t know anything about that.”


You consider your options. You could sell some of your many cheese wheels, try speaking to Miss Blades Lady and see if she’d let you into her secret basement or try your luck at forging a potion at the blacksmith’s over the road.

>

This is a tough decision! If you sell 10 cheese wheels and eat one, that should be just enough to unencumber you so you can walk around. You'll still have 93 of them, in case of emergency, and 20 gold. Don't buy any cabbage yet! It's very tempting but it will just re-encumber you. See if the merchant is willing to reserve some cabbage. You want to be sure it's still available when you come back.

You could ask the Blades lady, but there's a possibility she could say no. It will be quicker to head over to the blacksmith's.

This is a tough decision!  If you sell 10 cheese wheels and eat one, that should be just enough to unencumber you so you can walk around.  You'll still have 93 of them, in case of emergency, and 20 gold.  Don't buy any cabbage yet!  It's very tempting but it will just re-encumber you.  See if the merchant is willing to reserve some cabbage.  You want to be sure it's still available when you come back.

A sound plan. You sell 10 cheese wheels.

"Thanks." Sister Lockethaver says. "Just what our small town needed. More cheese wheels."

You consume an entire cheese wheel in like a single second. Both Sister Lockethaver and Not-Ralof seem kind of concerned at this.

And finally you request a reservation to be placed on the cabbage.

"I can put up a little placard that says reserved but I can't promise that if The Cabbage Afficionado comes into the shop and starts throwing around huge bags of gold that I won't cave under the pressure." Sister Lockethaver says. You wonder whether The Cabbage Afficionado is a real person.



You head to the Blacksmith's Alchemist's Forge and put on your special alchemy hat that you definitely own and have had the whole time. It's time to make some potions.

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Spoiler

Inventory for reference.

Drop everything you were doing find the emperor and immediately murder them.

Alchemise a good fungus plant, a bad fungus plant, and the concept of 0.8 encumbrance together

Alchemise  a good fungus plant, a bad fungus plant, and the concept of 0.8 encumbrance together

You get to work alchemising your ingredients with the aid of a handy Construction Pestle.



You crafted The Organic Doublehammer of Poisoning. Its base damage is low (mushrooms are not good as blunt force weaponry) but one side does additional Poison Damage and the other side does Nice Poison Damage.

Inventory update:

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However that does mean you have become overencumbered again.

Drop everything you were doing find the emperor and immediately murder them.

This is all The Emperor's fault. People never used to have limits for how much they could carry around with them. Ever since he died and then became a dragon and saved the world from the Oblivion Crisis or whatever the fuck happened in that game he's really let it go to his head, and now he thinks just because he's the Emperor of the Known World he can do whatever he wants.

You've really had enough of his shit. If only he were in Skyrim you could probably find and kill him.



You are suddenly reminded/informed of the twelve Encumbrance Enforcement Totems built around Skyrim. These fucking things are responsible for making the Emperor's law a reality. If you were to destroy them, well them, he'd have no choice but to come to Skyrim.



You update your quest log. You'd find a way to abandon the rest of the quests if you could but this game doesn't feature such sophisticated options.

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Oh if you go to the shrine first you could get sponsored on your quest!!!

Oh if you go to the shrine first you could get sponsored on your quest!!!

Huh this quest has quest markers enabled. That's not even an option on the others.


Now if only you could move. Where's Not-Ralof when you need him.


Just then the sneaky stowaway mouse in your inventory finishes eating one of your cheese wheels and your encumbrance drops back below the threshold. Thank you Whisker.


You follow the quest marker to this conspicuous spot.


"Pssst!" The cloaked figure hisses at you. "Pssst! Welcome to the Lesser Shrine of Mychanicus. I'm the high priest Mikk'l. It's lovely to meet you but I am going to have to insist you don't breathe a word of our meeting to anyone." They continue to hush you intermittently even as they continue speaking. "As a reward for your first visit you get one treasure cask at the bargain price of nothing and a second for that same offer so long as you fill out a questionnaire for us." They glance up and down the alley before continuing. "And one special secret service I don't offer to just anyone who walks in off the streets... I can exchange your Diamonds for as many treasure casks as you desire, please refer to the secret billboard beside me for exchange rates."


"How do I obtain Diamonds you ask? That's a closely guarded secret and no mistake... but since we've become such good chums I can give you a hint. A couple of pointers. You see actually it's very simple! You just go to the Transactions menu and input your credit card and then any Mychanicus shrine attendant, like my good self, can just give you as many diamonds as you like. Sounds too good to be true? Nah don't worry about it. I haven't steered you wrong so far have I?"


You enquire about a sponsorship.

"Well if anyone asks you never heard it from me but Heroes, as in capital H Heroes, can equip up to four sponsor slots given to them by various organizations, important individuals or daedric royalty. The four available sponsorship slots are Outfit, Hat, Title and Banner. If you'd like to take a sponorship from Prince Mychanicus we can offer you one random item of at least uncommon level every 24 hours."

"So what can I do for you today?"

>

Crack open cask, get hopelessly addicted to the dopamine.

Go phishing for some other schmuck's credit card details and get your gems on