Twenty Quest

is the money of some bizarre and useless currency?
is the horse your prisoner?
how does a woolen ipod even work? no wait um
is your woolen ipod magic?
was it knitted for you by some kind of wool wizard?

Questions and Answers

SpoilerShow

is the horse actually the prime leader of robots from another galaxy

Yes.

can the horse fly

No.

Are you human or partially-human? If not, are you a horse? No, and no.
Did you wash up on the beach? If so, would you fill up your pockets with sand once more? Yes, and yes.
Do you think this horse is strong enough to kick you to death? Yes.
While you're here would you like to thank Mom and Dad? No.

Are you going to bury yourself in sand?

No.

Do you have a secret network of spies to tell you the whereabouts of your ex

Yes.

Are you pink?

Yes.

is the money of some bizarre and useless currency? No.
is the horse your prisoner? Yes.
how does a woolen ipod even work? no wait um
is your woolen ipod magic? Yes.
was it knitted for you by some kind of wool wizard? Yes.

You look at the horse. It's strong enough to kick you to death, but unfortunately, you doubt it will be that easy.

The horse, after all, is your prisoner. It's the prime leader of a planet of robots from another galaxy, and as long as you have the horse, they won't move against you. And, as your prisoner, it's magically bound not to harm you. You could theoretically release it, but in doing so, you would undo the seal on its power of flight. And the last thing you want is your horse flying off to its home galaxy.

Fortunately, you're not without resources. There's your money, of course, which is not only good legal tender but also effective ammunition. But even without that, you still have your network of spies. Admittedly, they're not very good at doing anything except keeping track of your ex.

That said, given that your ex is the greatest Wool Wizard in the kingdom - well, also the only one, but never mind that - it might be useful to know where he is. He knitted your woolen iPod, he might have other wool objects of use. You just hope you can grab them from his hideaway without actually having to talk to him.

Of course, you're getting ahead of yourself a bit. You need to actually contact your spies first, and for that, you'll need to head over to the sea.

You ride to the beach, and for a moment, lose yourself in nostalgia. This is where you first washed up. It's how you got all that useless sand in your pockets...

You find yourself absentmindedly filling your pockets with sand. What is your problem? At least you're sensible enough not to try to bury yourself in it again. That was embarrassing.

And speaking of embarrassing, you just realized that your adoptive parents are here. Maybe you should have found another beach.

"Pinkie, dear!" your mother says. You groan inwardly at that name. Your parents never called your Lady Octopushead, no matter how much you terrorized the populace. "I heard all about your head problems. It's such a shame, but I'm sure you'll be all right."

"Yes, and I hope you learned a lesson!" your father says declaratively. "Honestly, your mother and I did not raise you to drown your enemies with a tidal wave."

"Now, now, dear, we can talk about that later," your mother replies. "Right now, Pinkie needs our support. Oh, and I packed you a nice lunch! Here you go!"

Your mother enthusiastically shoves a lunchbox into your hands. Wonderful.

"What you need is some good, honest work, my dear," your father continues. "Here, I circled some jobs in the classifieds for you."

Before you can raise a word of protest, your father shoves the newspaper in your hands as well.

You definitely should have found another beach. Gods, you're embarrassed to even share a species with these two. You ride off, pointedly not thanking them or even saying another word.

"Hmmph! I thought we taught Pinkie better manners than that," you hear your father grumble in the distance.

"Now dear, it's been a rough day for her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it when she's had some time to calm down."

Ugh. You could just die of embarrassment. Except that would only be a metaphorical death, and you're looking for a literal one. You ride to the edge of the water and prepare to summon your spies.

How do you do that, again?

do you back that ass up

Before summoning the spies, did you remember to check for those darn giant clams who keep eating stuff that's important to you?
Is the battery charged?
Did you bring fish food?
Does it usually take this many tries for you to get the summoning process right?

Is your ex Schazer, somehow

Are you a sand-only kleptomaniac?
Are the spies all your prisoners?
Are the spies all your ex-boyfriends?
Would you please give me your lunchbox?
Are there any interesting offers in the newspaper classifieds? Any particularly life-threatening ones?
Any interesting stories in the newspaper?
Do you actually know why you want to summon your spies?
Is your name really Pinkie?
Were you a ghost all along?
Can you change your reality by asking a yes/no question and then flipping the legal coinage?

Are all your spies wearing garishly colored zentai suits.

Does spy summoning involving writing a post in an collaborative style elimination writing contest in which you compete aganist seven other competitors.

Does one of the circled jobs involve juggling?
Is one of the circled jobs put out by your ex?

Are your spies all hand puppets?

Do you have a resurrecting Mage on stand by to bring you back after you cross into the abyss?

Are your spies all hand puppets?

If so, are all your spies characters from Sifl & Olly?

Questions and Answers

SpoilerShow

do you back that ass up

Yes.

Before summoning the spies, did you remember to check for those darn giant clams who keep eating stuff that's important to you? Yes.
Is the battery charged? No.
Did you bring fish food? No.
Does it usually take this many tries for you to get the summoning process right? No.

Is your ex Schazer, somehow

Yes.

Are you a sand-only kleptomaniac? Yes.
Are the spies all your prisoners? No.
Are the spies all your ex-boyfriends? No.
Would you please give me your lunchbox? Yes.
Are there any interesting offers in the newspaper classifieds? Any particularly life-threatening ones? Yes, and no.
Any interesting stories in the newspaper? Yes.
Do you actually know why you want to summon your spies? No.
Is your name really Pinkie? No.
Were you a ghost all along? Yes.
Can you change your reality by asking a yes/no question and then flipping the legal coinage? No.

Are all your spies wearing garishly colored zentai suits.

Yes.

Does spy summoning involving writing a post in an collaborative style elimination writing contest in which you compete aganist seven other competitors.

Yes.

Does one of the circled jobs involve juggling?

Yes.

Is one of the circled jobs put out by your ex?

Yes.

Are your spies all hand puppets?

Yes.

Do you have a resurrecting Mage on stand by to bring you back after you cross into the abyss?

No.

Are your spies all hand puppets?

If so, are all your spies characters from Sifl & Olly?

No.

Before you begin the summoning procedure, you make a point to check the beach for giant clams. They keep eating valuable things, like woolen iPods, fish food, spare batteries, your spies, all the sand you're still stuffing in your pockets...

Urgh. This sand kleptomania is driving you crazy. If you're going to compulsively steal something, why can't it at least be something useful?

What's worse, you keep having trouble with the summoning process. First you get confused and try to summon all your prisoners, then when you remember that's wrong, you try to summon all your ex-boyfriends. Fortunately, you manage to remember what you're doing before you have to deal with that level of awkwardness. Then you try flipping a coin to alter reality so your spies are already here, before remembering that doesn't actually work.

No, the proper way to summon your spies is to write a post in a collaborative writing project that eliminates the weakest writer each round... wait, that sounds like a lot of trouble, considering you're not in any of those at the moment. And it occurs to you that you aren't really sure why you need to summon your spies anyways, your ex probably hasn't gone to great lengths to hide himself. Besides, they're just hand puppets dressed in garish and colorful zentai costumes, if not for the fact that they were magic woolen hand puppets made by your ex they'd be useless. You always preferred the Sifl and Olly ones who kept your evil tower clean, frankly.

While you reflect on what to do next, you glance through the newspaper and see if there are any dangerous jobs. Unfortunately, there aren't, though you note that your ex, Samson Schazer, has put out an ad for a juggler and listed his current address. There, see, you didn't need the spies.

There's also a story about your capture. Oh, that might jog your memory. Let's see.

"Fearsome Ghost Subdued"

"Pinkerella Pinkus Pinkerton, alias Lady Octopus Head, was captured by her arch-nemesis earlier today. She was sentenced to eternal unlife without her octopus head, greatly restricting her powers. Critics said that allowing the restless spirit to wander free is a grave mistake, even if she can't drown us all with a tidal wave any more..."

Oh, right, you're a ghost. You'd forgotten that up to now.

So you amend your plans a bit - you have to come back to life and then die. Stupid new head, why can't it remember these details sooner? Luckily, you don't have any mages prepared to revive you on your death, you don't have nearly as many powers when you're alive. In fact, you're even less powerful alive than you are right now.

Well, since you're a ghost, you don't really need the lunchbox. On a whim, you toss it to some guy named Chwoka on the other side of the fourth wall. It's time to pay Samson Schazer a visit.

As you prepare to leave the beach and head for your ex's place, you let out a sigh. It's already evening, and your horse has turned into a donkey. You hate it when this happens, the stupid thing never moves forward in this form. You back that ass up and head for your ex's place.

You double-check the address in the ad. Where is he hiding himself, again?

Is he hiding himself In the dreams of dying children

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Is your ex pink?

Do you realize how important that lunchbox was?!

are you going to make out with your exboyfriend as soon as you see him again

Are you tangible?

That guy hiding behind a rock over there - isn't that him?

Do either of you realize that as a ghost, you are invisible to anyone who isn't an immediate family member?

Is your boyfriend actually the horse all along.

Is your boyfriend actually inside the horse all along.

Will you find a better boyfriend to make your ex-boyfriend jealous.

Does the horse have CREEPY EYES.

is the horse in love with your ex-boyfriend

SpoilerShow

Is he hiding himself In the dreams of dying children

No

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

No

Is your ex pink?

No

Do you realize how important that lunchbox was?!

Yes

are you going to make out with your exboyfriend as soon as you see him again

Yes

Are you tangible?

No

That guy hiding behind a rock over there - isn't that him?

Do either of you realize that as a ghost, you are invisible to anyone who isn't an immediate family member?

No and no

Is your boyfriend actually the horse all along.

Is your boyfriend actually inside the horse all along.

Will you find a better boyfriend to make your ex-boyfriend jealous.

No, no, no

Does the horse have CREEPY EYES.

Yes

is the horse in love with your ex-boyfriend

Yes

Your train of thought is interrupted by the rustling of the dreams of dying children. Naturally, these are kept in a bush, which is also behind a rock. Somebody must be hiding there.

And a moment later, that somebody steps out. Ugh, he's pink. He's also clearly unimportant to your plans, so you ignore him.

Wait a second. Your horsedonkey's eyes just went all creepy. Great, that means Samson's sent his mind to inhabit it, no doubt to spy on you. He still hasn't realized that you know about that little trick of his?

Well, as long as he's watching, you decide to make him jealous. You're going to flirt with this stupid terrible pink guy so Samson can feel terrible.

You float over and try to kiss the stupid terrible pink guy, but it turns out you're intangible so he doesn't feel anything. In fact, he doesn't even seem to have noticed you! The nerve!

Unbeknownst to you, Samson hasn't noticed you either. Without your octopus head, you can't be seen by anyone who isn't a member of your immediate family. Not even an ex-boyfriend mentally possessing your horsedonkey.

Oh, hey, your horsedonkey's eyes are back to normal. Although he's got a weird expression on his face, he always does after Samson inhabits him. You've got no idea why, you hope it's not something sappy like being in love with the bastard.

Well, okay, admittedly you'd probably just make out with him on the spot if you actually saw him in person again. Hopefully he was so disturbed by your display of affection towards your terrible pink non-boyfriend that he's gone sulking off in his room.

You get back on your donkey and walk backwards towards wherever the hell you were going, you've already forgotten but hopefully your mount remembers. And... oh dammit, the pink guy's following you. Who is this guy, anyways?

Is the pink guy pink

Does the pink guy have a unrequited crush on your horse?

If you're intangible, are you only tricking yourself into believing you're riding the horse, grabbing the lunchbox, wearing clothes, et cetera, like how Wile E. Coyote can stand on the air in front of a cliff until he notices he's standing on air? If not, can you lift and carry stuff with psychic ghost powers?