Tonguewizard And The Journey For The Perfect Instrument

Edit: hey you guys are both actually pretty incomprehensible, you should engage in some sort of slam poetry contest.

fogel

all future updates are to be sent directly to btp to be translated into auto-tuned goodness

this is non-negotiable

"I challenge you to a poetry slam contest!" Tonguewizard said, except it came out as "I aaaa ooo a oea a oe".

"Snorny florney borney dorney!" the chef replied, which Tonguewizard took to mean Yes.

The chef then babbled something for a few minutes, and Tonguewizard had no idea what it meant.
Then he remembered that he had an autotranslation and playback cellphone app spell.

The chef's autotuned voice played back, and it said:

"Bill Cosby was the name of a duck with a magical tongue,
It wasn't magical until upon a bionic farm the duck was flung.
They had great juicy apples on the farm,
And Bill Cosby licked one, not expecting it to do any harm.
When he did so, he found his tongue now had a purse,
But little did he know it would come with a curse.
Within the purse was a cellphone and it gave his tongue magic,
But then something happened and it was tragic.
Bill Cosby saw the farmer and tried to say hello,
But then all of a sudden he was swarmed by jello.
He tried to call for help, then thought Oh no! I can't!
Because his tongue had been pulled out by a carnivorous plant.
But then something happened when the clock struck the hour:
Bill Cosby's tongue gained an amazing new power.
The plant obeyed the duck's tongue and set it free,
And then the tongue thought Tongueman! That's me!
Then later, after he used his spells to chase off a lizard,
He decided a better name would be Tonguewizard."

Tonguewizard was shocked. He had planned to perform his poem in the form of a scathing cuisine review, which he would pass along to Dungeon Review Monthly with his cell phone magic. But this chef-creature had just perfectly summed up his own amazing origins; how could Tonguewizard hope to match such beautiful poetry and overcome his greatest challenge yet?

He couldn't.

He gave up and went home.

INTERPRETATIVE DANSE

Sloppy makeouts.

There isn't a way to overcome this. It really is time to end your quest in shaaaaaaaaey look! It's 12:00!

> SUMMON POETRY-PETE, MASTER OF THE AWWW-SNAP TRAP

Tonguewizard considered a number of plans for outdoing the brussels sprout chef's marvelous poem.

The first idea that came to mind was performing a poem in interpretive dance, but there were two problems with that: first, Tonguewizard still had no idea what his poem would be, and second, Tonguewizard was just a tongue and it was hard to conduct a proper interpretive dance without arms or legs.

Then he considered sloppy makeouts, which were pretty much the only kind of makeouts he was capable of. But he couldn't; he despised the taste of brussels sprouts, and to be honest, he suspected the chef had bad breath.

Finally, he gave up. He had no ideas. He would have to admit defeat and return home.

And then his cellphone alarm went off. It was 12:00 now. Tonguewizard had spent so much time thinking about how to get past this obstacle that his magic had changed.

Thinking quickly, Tonguewizard used his magic to summon Poetry Pete, the master of plant poetry, to assist him in this contest. Surely the right poem, presented through Pete's expert performance, would grant Tonguewizard victory!

But what was the right poem? Tonguewizard still needed to figure that out.

Oh, about 3 to 4 dirty limericks.

Some Jack Prelutsky, only about sprouts!

/me vaguely remembers some Jack Prelutsky poem about sprouts

Tonguewizard started doing his gymnastics while he thought about what Poetry Pete should perform. But in the end, all he could think of were a few dirty limericks about sprouts that might have been written by Jack Prelutsky.

But ultimately, a poetry jam was about presentation, and Tonguewizard had an idea for that. He signaled his choices to Poetry Pete in tongue charades, as well as his plan. Then he made a gymnastic leap into Poetry Pete's leafy tendrils, and Poetry Pete pulled out a stick and began playing Tonguewizard like a fiddle as he recited.

"There once was a young sprout from Brussels,
Who loved to show off his great muscles.
When asked which he liked best,
He held a hand to his chest,
And said "I can only show you with bed-tussles."

That first limerick alone drove the chef to tears. He broke down and stood aside, allowing Tonguewizard to pass. Poetry Pete vanished, wishing Tonguewizard success on his journey, and Tonguewizard cartwheeled forward, ready to face the next obstacle.

SpoilerShow

What was the next obstacle?

A toothbrush with one of those tongue attachments.

TONGUEWIZARD'S NEMESIS

A room whose floor is covered in a delightful puree made from Bhut Jolokia chili peppers.

Obviously Tonguewizard's perfect instrument is Tonguewizard!

i'm confused there is no update here

what

the obstacle is an obstacle course filled with obstacles

one of them is the zip wire at the end.

gogogofogel

> the obstacle is a magical time portal that is perfect for cameos.

______________________________________________

SpoilerShow

Given that I'm just reading into a phone, these are surprisingly hard to do since the app only gives you a one-shot try at the whole thing and sometimes like to mess things up for no reason.

The moment Tonguewizard entered the next room, he recoiled in pain. The floor was covered in Bhut Jolokia chili pepper puree, and he could taste it. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay on the floor for long; the capsaicin would take too much of a toll on him. And the door slammed shut beside him, leaving him no easy refuge from the pepper-filled floor.

But that was not the only threat this room held. There was a massive alphabetically-organized obstacle course, and at the end was a zip wire. Tonguewizard would no doubt have to traverse this fearsome maze of obstacles to stay off the floor, and so he leapt towards the nearby alligator pit to begin this harrowing series of tasks.

And just as he had made his way across the alligator pit and reached the barbells, a time portal opened in the center of the room. A toothbrush with a tongue attachment emerged from it, and Tonguewizard recognized it as his arch-nemesis, Archibald Nemesis.

"Tonguewizard!" Archibald shouted, somehow manipulating his tongue attachment in order to speak. "We meet again! I knew jumping through this random portal would bring me to you!"

And then the Theremind spoke through Archibald.

"INTRUDER!" it shouted. "YOU HAVE VIOLATED THIS TEMPLE! AND SO I SHALL MANIPULATE TIME AND SPACE TO SEND THE MOST DANGEROUS OF OPPONENTS TO STOP YOU FROM COMPLETING MY ALPHABETICAL OBSTACLES!"

Tonguewizard lifted up the barbells as the Theremind spoke, opening the way to the car wash. He didn't want to deal with Archibald Nemesis under these circumstances, but as the toothbrush ran across the pepper-covered floor towards him, he knew that this would be a problem.

And even as Tonguewizard desperately tried to formulate a plan to evade his foe while making his way through the obstacle course, the time portal began to glow, and someone else emerged from it...

SpoilerShow

What will Tonguewizard do? And who or what is coming out of the time portal?

Tonguewizard will pretend to be a delicious candy.

And the time portal reveals a pebble.

Chase scene!

And the time portal reveals a really dirty car.

The Ladder obstacle actually provides convenient access to the zip line.

Oh no! It's a mummified tongueless Bill Cosby! (duck) Also tasty breadcrumbs.

It was Bill Cosby, the duck whose tongue Tonguewizard had once been. Except he was now a mummy with no tongue, and also driving the filthiest car Tonguewizard had ever seen.

But that wasn't all! There was a small pebble on the tip of Cosby's bill. Tonguewizard knew he had seen it somewhere before, but where?

He didn't have time to think, as Cosby drove towards him and Archibald Nemesis jumped into the car. He had to act quickly, and so in desperation, Tonguewizard did the first thing that came to mind: he pretended to be a delicious candy.

"I'm not Tonguewizard! I'm a delicious candy!" he said while looking as delicious and candylike as he could. But it came out sounding more like "I aaa ooowiaa, I a eeiioo aaaee" and was also muffled by the car wash spraying him with soap.

(It tasted awful.)

"You can't fool me, Tonguewizard!" Archibald Nemesis shouted. "I'm an expert in all forms of candy, as I need to be aware of the enemy in the fight against tooth decay. And you aren't any of them!"

Bill Cosby's car drove into the car wash, and Tonguewizard had to run through it quickly to escape.

On the other side, he could see the next obstacle, the doppelganger; but he could also see ahead to the twelfth obstacle, the ladder. And he realized that if he moved it, he could climb straight to the zipline!

But there were still eight obstacles between him and the ladder. And the car was gaining ground on him, while also becoming much cleaner.

Tonguewizard's mind raced frantically for answers. How could he reach the ladder? How could he avoid his enemies? And more importantly, where did he know that pebble from?

Find a snake and snag the ladder!

Tonguewizard quickly realized that if only he had a snake, he could swing it over and grab the ladder from here. Unfortunately, the viper nest was near the end of the obstacle course, well past the ladder.

Before he could reflect further on this problem, the doppelganger attacked. Tonguewizard dodged quickly, and was able to take a closer look at the doppelganger. He was unnerved to see a perfect copy of himself, but with one crucial and terrifying difference.

The false Tonguewizard had a Japanese monkey's face. A drunken Japanese monkey face.

Tonguewizard had heard many tales of the drunken Japanese monkey face. He had heard that it could lick your feet, and if it did, it would steal your toes and also your soul.

Then Tonguewizard realized that he was a tongue and didn't actually have feet.

On the other hand, he was a tongue, and the drunken Japanese monkey face was attached to a doppelganger of him. With a larger tongue at its command, could the monkey face steal his soul regardless?

As Tonguewizard pondered where to find a snake and how to fight this terrifying new foe, he heard the roar of the car's engine grow louder. It would be here soon, and when it arrived, he would have to face a mummified Bill Cosby, his archnemesis Archibald Nemesis, and a strangely familiar pebble.

Where had he seen that pebble before, anyways?

And how was he going to get out of this?

Poor Tonguewizard. :<

Where did your life go so wrong to end up in situations as incomprehensible as this? You have my sympathies man.

The Ethanol trap was just ahead! If he could only distract the drunken doppelganger with the drink, he could probably combine it with the Fire trap!