Consistency

>Serve pumpkin tea, the boss usually appreciates that.

Well, this customer did say "anything", and the boss does like it when you don't have that "abomination that calls itself 'tea'" filling up the storeroom... Yeah, that's probably your best choice.

You pour some pumpkin tea into the man's cup. He drinks it up, then starts coughing and collapses on the floor.

The other customers are staring at you now. This could pose a problem in getting rid of any more pumpkin tea. What are you going to do?

>That interfering archaeologist is hot on your tail. Do something to shake him.

Curses! You aren't sure just how Rhode Island Henderson managed to find his way here, but he won't thwart you this time!

Just as he catches up to you, you grab him by the shoulders and shake him vigorously. He's dizzy now; you consider shooting him while he's disoriented, but you're on a tight schedule. After all, you're not the only ones after the artifact.

Come to think of it, you might be better served diverting Henderson's attention to one of your other rivals; he's not going to recognize you in this thick cloak, after all. But how could you best go about doing that?

> Research Consistency.

You invest 700 CP into researching Consistency.

Now instead of your coffee being a strange blend of foul-tasting muddy liquid and a large lump of powder, it's all foul-tasting muddy liquid! Sales actually drop, apparently you hadn't quite reached rock-bottom after all.

As a result of reduced sales, your division has only received 500 CP for research this phase, as opposed to the usual 800. That's a steep penalty. What's the best way to spend it?

Flip the universe on a giant pancake griddle, John Bunyan style.

You're not sure who John Bunyan is, but what the heck. You've got this giant pancake griddle and the ultimate gravity-reversing magic, you may as well use it.

You stand on the griddle and cast the spell. The entire universe, except for the griddle, turns upside-down. You give a smirk; you bet John Bunyan is so jealous of you right now! Whoever he is.

It's your parents! Well, now's a good a time as any.

"Mom... Dad... I have something to tell you."

You reveal your embarrassing secret to your parents. It's difficult, but they're the people you trust the most. Who else could you possibly tell?

Your father looks at you once your tale is done, a solemn expression on his face. Your mother bursts into tears.

"It's all right, son," your father finally replies after a long pause. "I admit it's not what I'd hoped for, but I'm still proud of you."

Soon after, your mother finds enough composure to speak between the sobs.

"We... we love you very much. I... I wasn't expecting this, but... but it's all right. I just... I need some time..."

You lower your head sadly.

"Listen, son," your father says, patting you on the shoulder and smiling broadly, "I know acting's hard work. You can't expect your first dramatic confession to go perfectly right off the bat."

"That's right, dear," your mother chimes in. "Honestly, I think you may have overdone it on the emotional gestures just a bit. You need them to come across more naturally."

You look up, a little brighter.

"Thanks," you say. "I'll get back to practicing."

"Maybe you should try a different aspect for a while," your father suggests. "Figure out what's best for you."

So, how will you go about refining your acting technique?

Stop.

Continue.

Wish for an ironic punishment of your wish.

You tell the demon that you wish for an ironic punishment of your wish. He stares at you for a while as he tries to puzzle that out.

Then he shrugs and zaps you.

"Okay, your ironic punishment is that you're now a demon who has to grant wishes that are ironic punishments to anyone who asks you for a wish. Also you're trapped in a bottle until someone makes a wish. Have fun with that."

That could have gone better. What are you going to do now?

Stop.

Sure, you may be carrying a million dollars in stolen money in your car, but there's no way you're getting a traffic violation on top of that! Your father would be ashamed of you.

You stop at the stop sign. The police car chasing you comes to a sudden halt, colliding with the back of your car. You seem to have thrown them off momentarily; what are you going to do next?

Continue.

Yeah, screw it. Sure, your score is cut in half and it'll cost you another quarter, but you've come this far. You've got to make it to the end of the game!

Uh-oh. You're out of quarters! And there's only eight seconds left on the machine's counter! What are you going to do?

Stop Go Back Forward Back Forward Take It Slow

>The only remaining course of action is to devour the christmas tree.

To the left. Down. Right. Down. Left. Up. Right. Down. Left. Down. Head for the fruit, and finish off the dots.

Slide to the right, jump to the left, hands in the air, pivot 180, leap and twirl, finish with a split.

Sliiiiiiide to the left! Sliiiiiiide to the right! Criss-cross! Criss-cross!

Sliiiiiiide to the left! Sliiiiiiide to the right! Criss-cross! Criss-cross!

SpoilerShow

one hundred percent honesty that was the first thought I had when I was going to post earlier

I am glad I'm not the only one who remembers that song.

> the hokey pokey

Stop Go Back Forward Back Forward Take It Slow

You put your fingers to your guitar strings and start playing. "Stop Go Back Forward Back Forward Take It Slow" is a tough song, but you can handle it. You play it masterfully.

The Devil smiles, and then plays the same tune on his guitar. He's good.

There's a tense moment as the judges compare the two performances.

It's a tie! Looks like you've got to challenge the Devil again if you're going to hang on to your soul.

What are you going to do?

>The only remaining course of action is to devour the christmas tree.

Of course! It's so obvious now. The tree is what's creating these Holiday Zombies. Why couldn't you have realized it before you became infected?

Your mind is slipping away. The drive to seek out and consume bargains is intense. There's only one way you can possibly turn your zombie instincts against this tree.

You run up against it and start gnawing on its branches. Luckily, it's not an artificial tree.

Uh-oh. The tree's started moving! It's trying to shake you off! You must be close to success if it's fighting back! You can't stop now! What are you going to do?

To the left. Down. Right. Down. Left. Up. Right. Down. Left. Down. Head for the fruit, and finish off the dots.

You run along the giant snowman's face in a careful, deliberate pattern to avoid Jack Frost's icebolts. Then you grab his banana nose and yank it out. What kind of lunatic makes a snowman with a banana for a nose instead of a carrot, anyways?

Now you've just got to deal with his eye and mouth dots. Fortunately, a quick whack with the giant banana knocks them apart. The snowman melts into a pile, and you slowly sink to the ground. You've taken care of him!

But you've still got to face Jack Frost himself. What are you going to do?

Slide to the right, jump to the left, hands in the air, pivot 180, leap and twirl, finish with a split.

These hurdles aren't even a challenge. You slide under one, and jump the next, turning as you do each. Then you raise your hands, turn around, leap and twirl over the hurdle you just jumped, and land with a split.

The crowd applauds. You take a bow.

Then you take a look to see where that stupid tortoise is. Huh, he's actually pretty far along... still nowhere near you, though. How will you amuse the crowd in the meantime?

Sliiiiiiide to the left! Sliiiiiiide to the right! Criss-cross! Criss-cross!

Yes! This will be your most brilliant work yet! You install a slide to going to the left, and a slide going to the right, and you make them cross each other.

It is art! It is magnificent!

And in about two days, it's produced a lawsuit from angry parents. Have they no appreciation for art?

No matter. Art is suffering. You shall endure this lawsuit, and it will inform your next piece. Although you should still probably prepare for it in some way. Like hiring a lawyer, for instance. What's your first move?

> the hokey pokey

Perfect! Yes, your superhero name shall be The Hokey Pokey! That will certainly strike fear into the hearts of villains everywhere.

But what are you going to do for a costume?

Find the Shaman. Only he will be able to help you find it.

Consume everything! EVERYTHING!

Throw a baseball at the man holding the radio controls.

Find the Shaman. Only he will be able to help you find it.

Well, your last meeting with the Shaman didn't go too well, but you've tried every trick you can think of to locate the secret entrance to this temple, and nothing's worked. You guess it's worth a try.

You start heading back to the village, but as you do, you see a pillar of smoke rising from it. That's not good... You race towards the entrance to get a better look.

Uh-oh. It's the Nazis. They're setting the village ablaze! And two of them are dragging the Shaman away to their car, probably to question him about the secret entrance! What are you going to do?

Consume everything! EVERYTHING!

Yes! YES! Look at these low, low prices! You simply can't pass up such incredible deals! Especially with your new fortune!

You grab a shopping cart and load everything you can into it. Soon it fills up, and you grab another! And another! And another! Hahahahaha!

But wait... Somebody else just grabbed the last Trendy Tom! You can't leave without that! It's the must-have item of the season! Your kids will be so disappointed if you don't buy them one!

How will you get it away from that other customer?

Throw a baseball at the man holding the radio controls.

You grab a baseball and throw it at the operator, dodging the toy plane's gunfire as best you can.

The ball hits the man directly in the head... knocking it off! At first you're horrified, but then you see the sparks flying out from his neck. He was a robot the whole time!

And he's still functioning, and sending that miniature fighter plane after you. This is more serious than you first thought. What are you going to do?

Mash it up.

"Yeah, well at least my dad didn't run away to another dimension!"

Holy hell! What was that?

Make a killer dubstep remix out of it.

>Equip the comb of destiny

REMOVE THEM STAPLES.

DOOOOOOOOON'T REMOVE THEM STAPLES

Mash it up.

You decide that you'll mash the potato rather than baking it. But what will you make for the main course?

"Yeah, well at least my dad didn't run away to another dimension!"

"Yeah, well, at least my dad didn't run away to another dimension!" you yell at the prosecutor. He seems confused for a moment.

Then he breaks down into tears.

"It's true!" he sobs. "He undid the spell that my mother used to summon him here just as I was getting to know him! Why did you leave, Dad? Why?"

The judge bangs his gavel.

"Order! Order in the courtroom. The prosecution - and the defendant, for that matter - should remain focused on the case at hand. Unless they wish to be held in contempt of court?"

The prosecutor clears his throat.

"My apologies, Your Honor. I'll repeat my question, which was, uh..."

The prosecutor's confused. Maybe you can get him to ask a different question this time. What should it be?

Holy hell! What was that?

You don't know, and if you're lucky, you won't find out until it's taken care of. You're just going to run, and keep running until you're safe. You don't care how many explosions and alarms and screams and loud crashes you hear along the way.

Hmm. You've come to a split in the hallway. A sign says the genetics lab is to the left, and the armory is to the right.

Which way should you go? The noises behind you are getting louder.

Make a killer dubstep remix out of it.

Yes... Yes! Perfect! Your Song of Death shall become a dubstep remix of DOOM! It's the perfect plan!

Except you don't really know anything about dubstep. You'll have to get somebody to do that part for you. Who should you hire as your dubstep consultant?

>Equip the comb of destiny

You equip the comb and put it on your head, and...

Ew! That sticky destiny is all over your hair now. Why did you go and do that? Now you'll have to go back to the Destiny Hive and get a new one if you want more destiny.

But first things first, you need to clean this destiny out of your hair. How are you going to do that?

REMOVE THEM STAPLES.

You take the giant staples off of the Paper Gateway. The gigantic sheet of paper falls to the ground slowly.

You're nervous. There could be anything inside there. But it's also what you've been looking for all your life.

Is there anything you want to do before stepping inside? It could be dangerous beyond here.

DOOOOOOOOON'T REMOVE THEM STAPLES

You stop, and examine the bomb more carefully. The staples are wired directly into the detonation mechanism! If you removed even one, the whole thing will blow!

But that means... Your contact on the radio is either incompetent, or intentionally trying to get you killed! Either way, you clearly can't rely on his advice. You'll have to figure out how to defuse this homemade bomb yourself.

So what are you going to do?

Drop and give me twenty.