Consistency

face his hack

Quick, before it's too late, tell him to never mind the

Arm me with harmony

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

My bell, I got the

LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS HEAR MY PRAYER
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS DOESN'T CARE

Perfect! With a song this good, you're sure to win the Sweet Jesus Candy Store's jingle competition! All you have to do is write it down and put it in the entry box...

...in the next five minutes, before the contest closes. And the Sweet Jesus Candy Store is halfway across town! How are you going to handle this?

>Abscond, lightly carrying dust.

Yeah, you can't stay here too long. Security's going to be here any minute, and they're probably not going to understand what you're doing rummaging through Tinkerbell's desk.

You grab the bag of pixie dust and sprinkle some on yourself before leaping out the window. You're going to fly away!

Except it doesn't seem to be working. Either your thoughts aren't happy enough, or you grabbed the wrong bag of dust. How are you going to get out of this mess?

What is it all worth in the end?

Fifteen goddamn cents, that's what.

You dedicated your whole life to painstakingly appraising everything in the world to assess the planet's total value, and then this damn apocalypse struck. Now all your calculations are no good. You just had two or three countries left to go!

You were the best appraiser. You're still the best goddamn appraiser on this whole goddamn planet. But what good is that if there's nothing on this rock worth appraising? What can you even do with your talent now?

> Prepare to pump out the jams as you slide the cassette into that sweet, sexy place carved out just for it. Put the left earbud into your left ear, then your right earbud into your right ear.

Yeah, tonight's gonna be good. Real good.

They called you crazy for making two gigantic slices of bread and then carving in a cassette-shaped indentation in one of them, and for building this excessively-intricate jam factory, but you'll show them now. You just need to plug your headphones into the communications system so your assistant can tell you when to start the jam pumps.

You put the earbuds into your ears and... You don't hear anything. Not even static. There must be something wrong with the system somewhere.

Goddamn it, you are not going to let tonight be ruined by a goddamn mechanical failure! You are going to fix this and you are going to pump those jams tonight!

But how are you going to do that?

> Put your light earbud into your light year.

Yes, that should be a good test for the new time machine. You check your diary for a year when you weren't that busy, then you place your miniaturized earbud into the transport chamber and set the temporal coordinates.

You are now you, only several years in the past. You don't have a lot going on right now.

Suddenly, a strange portal opens! Just as suddenly, it closes. You walk over to take a closer look, and hear a strange crunching noise.

Well, doesn't look like anything interesting really happened. Just like the rest of this year so far. Sure, you're not busy, but you don't really know what to do with yourself either.

So how are you going to stay occupied?

> Put your center earbud into your center ear.

Yes. The Center always has your best Center interests at Center heart, obviously you'll obey their Center instructions. You place your Center earbud into your Center ear, and enjoy the Center music as it flows through your Center mind.

Soon enough, you feel relaxed. Your Center energy is returning, and you get up from your Center chair, ready to get to Center work. What Center task is the first on your Center schedule?

hack his face

Now that's the perfect prank. You take out your computer and soon enough, you have access to your school's holographic instructor imaging program. You can make his face look like anything you want.

So what will you change his face into?

face his hack

Damn straight. Big Johnny's got to have someone pumping out all these terrible books for him, and if you confront that sucker, you'll take the air out of the whole operation.

Thing is, where are you going to start looking? You could hit the streets and hope you stumble onto the bastard, but Big Johnny's boys will be looking for you. The other thing you could do is try to read the books and get some actual clue to their author's identity - of course, that would mean actually reading the books.

So what's it gonna be? You gonna take your chances with the thugs, or hit the books? Either way, you're in for a rough night.

Quick, before it's too late, tell him to never mind the

"Never mind the?" he asks, a moment before his finger hits the typewriter. "I don't understand, Mr. Big Johnny."

You explain to your resident author that your business model doesn't have room for definite articles. "A" is two letters shorter and saves on time and ink. You then remind him who's paying his salary and making him the top-selling author in town.

"All right, no definite articles," he sighs. "Are there any other rules I should know before I start the next book?"

Damn straight there are, just as soon as you think of them. What are you going to tell him?

Arm me with harmony

Yes, this is a good Center slogan for the Center army... wait, you forgot some important Center words.

"Arm Center me with Center harmony." Perfect. This is your best Center work yet.

But the Center competition is ending in five Center minutes, and the Sweet Jesus Candy Center Shop is halfway across Center Town. How will you submit your Center entry in Center time?

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

My bell, I got the

You shout out the window to My Bell, Private Eye, that you've found Big Johnny's weakness: definite articles. Unfortunately, he isn't around, and you've just drawn the attention of the thug watching your room.

You're not very good at this whole informant thing, really. That's probably why Big Johnny locked you in here under guard, come to think of it.

But you can worry about that later. What are you going to do about this jerk barging into your room asking what the hell you're doing?

You are standing in a green field west of a white house.

Engage molehill.

Propose molehill

>Quickly, trim those hedges! Trim them like you've never trimmed before!

you don't need those

yes you do

Engage molehill.

You decide to get the molehill's full attention on you. You start banging on a drum, and all the moles in the hill dig up to the surface, curious.

Molehill successfully engaged. So now that you have their attention, what are you going to do about it?

Propose molehill

Now there's an idea! You suggest to the city planning commission that they place a molehill in the middle of the new park. They just kind of look at you funny.

Finally, one of them asks, "Are you only proposing this in order to tell a joke about making a mountain out of a molehill?"

...Well, you weren't, but pretending you were might make this less embarrassing. But you'll need to think of a good joke quickly. What's it going to be?

>Quickly, trim those hedges! Trim them like you've never trimmed before!

Yeah, you're investing way too much in these hedge funds and they're just not paying off. You've got to trim down how much you're putting into them.

You think you'll just cut them down to a few companies; none of them are performing well right now, but you're sure that some of them will do better in a year or so.

Which companies are you sticking with?

you don't need those

You suddenly realize you don't need your mansion, your yacht, or your Super PAC. You don't need any of this money! Or a personal staff! Or clothes!

You're free! Free! You run naked into the street, laughing, right up until the police take you away.

Well, now you're in jail, and probably facing confinement in an insane asylum. What's your plan for getting out of this?

yes you do

That's right. You aren't going to take this. You remind your bride-to-be that you are the very wealthy Jackson Jackson Johnson McJackson, and she is extremely fortunate to be provided with the opportunity to marry you, and of course she meant to say "I do".

"No I didn't."

Honestly, some women. You go to all the trouble of sending your men to pick her up, sending others to bring her parents in, sending another man to fetch the priest, bribing a city clerk to prepare a marriage certificate... all the little things. You'd think she would appreciate the trouble you went to, but no.

Well, Johnson Johnson Jackson McJohnson does not take no for an answer. You will get her to agree...

Oh, damn it, someone just burst in through the doors on a motorcycle. And now he's shouting to your bride about how he's here to save her. And he just knocked out two of your men.

It's all so bothersome. How will you deal with this interloper and get the wedding to proceed?

Stare down the behemoth to give your buddy some time.

Unleash the Krakenaoke

Ignore me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED

Presto, read the Communist Manifesto

Alakazam, read Green Eggs and Ham.

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

It's all been done before, nothing new under the sun

All been done before

All been done before

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

It's all been done before, nothing new under the sun

All been done before

All been done before

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done before

vot vot? wilk milk.

Stare down the behemoth to give your buddy some time.

You're not exactly sure how looking down from this giant's shoulder is a stalling tactic, but you don't have any better ideas. You look down... down... down...

Wow, this thing's even taller than you realized. You're starting to feel dizzy. Maybe you should lie down or something.

Except, you're still in the middle of a battlefield here. Where exactly are you going to get a chance to clear your head?

Unleash the Krakenaoke

Yeah, this leash isn't helping you keep your Krakenaoke under control at all, it's just getting you dragged along in its mess. You really should just take it off.

But you're going to have a tough time getting close enough to undo the collar until you calm it down. How exactly are you going to do that?

Ignore me.

Dammit, what kind of adventure is this? Nobody's made any suggestions! What are you supposed to do, come up with a course of action on your own? That's ridiculous, you're just an ill-defined fictional character! You can't think for yourself!

The only thing you can do is make your adventure more popular so you get more suggestions. How are you going to do that?

Damn. That thing moves fast.

It's only been twenty-one minutes and the AgentBlue has already made its way through your false trail! At this rate, it's going to find you in... oh, about three seconds ago.

Well, damn. Now you're in for it. You can't possibly defeat the AgentBlue in a straight fight. How are you going to get out of this mess?

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED

Damn straight! You didn't start the Cult Of The All-Seeing I just so nobody could join it! You're going to get people in your cult no matter what it takes!

So what are you going to do to promote the All-Seeing I and its glorious teachings?

Presto, read the Communist Manifesto

Yes, that's the key to saving this show!
You'll have to display just what you know!
So what if that other circus has sharks?
Who do they have who can recite Marx?

The curtain has risen, the show will begin,
The accolades are yours to win!
You give the audience a confident look,
And then produce your chosen book.

A few minutes later, something is wrong;
You never realized this book was so long!
The crowd's getting restless and bored,
You daren't think about how you'll be scored.

You'll need to come with a new act, and quick,
It's a good think your acting's so slick.
But how will you get their attention anew
When the crowd seems to be so tired of you?

Alakazam, read Green Eggs and Ham.

Read a children's book? Honestly, what an absurd idea. You're a mature Pokemon, capable of tackling a much more challenging tome than this.

Besides, you hardly have time to read when you're in the middle of a battle. You don't especially care for this barbarism, but it amuses the humans.

Now how about some practical advice for defeating this Spiritomb, thank you very much?

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

You don't care much for getting autobiographical - or is it recursive? - but you don't have a lot of other ideas. It's a start, anyhow. And you've still managed to avoid definite articles!

Unfortunately, that's as far as you've gotten. Where exactly are you going to go from here?

SpoilerShow

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

It's all been done before, nothing new under the sun

All been done before

All been done before

Goddammit, now it's personal. It's one thing for Big Johnny to hire this talentless hack, but now the hack's stealing one of your old stories from back in your writing days.

It's funny how life imitates art, isn't it? You never dreamed when you wrote about a hack writer working for a mobster named Big Johnny that one day you'd be playing the part of the courageous detective who saved the day.

If anything, you figured you'd be the hack writer. But nope, you're Myron Bell, Private Eye. And you've got to stop this book from going to press.

Now how are you going to do that?

SpoilerShow

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

It's all been done before, nothing new under the sun

All been done before

All been done before

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done

(Woo-hoo hoo) It's all been done before

Yeah, this a good theme song for your new show about Myron Bell, the private eye who investigates cases that coincidentally match up with stories he wrote when he was a teenager.

You're just about ready to send off your script for the pilot episode, but there's just one thing: you don't have an ending yet.

How are you going to resolve this storyline without diminishing Big Johnny too much as an antagonist? He's going to be in a lot more episodes, after all.

vot vot? wilk milk.

You press the VOT, VOT?, WILK, and MILK buttons in order. The vending machine beeps a few times, then suddenly sprays milk all over you.

You aren't sure if you should note this on your QA report, though, because for all you know it's supposed to do that. What are you going to say here?