Re: LAST. THING. STANDING. [S!1][ROUND ONE: TELEVISION LAND]
12-05-2011, 09:35 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.
Aaron reeled, spun – then fell over. Everything had happened so suddenly. The road, the world, had been whisked away like a Newtonian tablecloth, then the cage, the crowd, the announcer’s wild shouting – with even moments of darkness as commercials played a blinding psychedelic melody of light across the audience in split-seconds – and then they were here. Aaron lay on his back, staring up into the dim grayness above him. “Um, Change? Did you get any of that?”
<font color="#CDAD00">Change, currently a blue sheaf of plasticized notes, hovered near the wizard’s head. I believe I did, Aaron. We have been entered into a battle to the death, which depending on your mindset is either profitable, catastrophic, or possibly both. But where are we now?
“I’m not sure.” Slowly, with the world still spinning, he pushed himself into a sitting position. The light was dim, but he could see vague shapes silhouetted in its glow, of oddly-shaped appliances and blocky countertops set in front of semi-translucent backgrounds. “It looks like…oh hell, I’ve got no idea!”
Change swerved, and fluttered in front of Aaron’s eyes. Calm yourself, Aaron. This ‘battle to the death’…could end up excellently, or our own lives might be taken instead. The band supposedly holding Change’s notes together rippled, then turned lightly, a sign that the Transaction was contemplating.
But then lights came up, an ON AIR illuminated, and the shapes around them resolved – literally resolved, as if they had been spun from some gossamer firmament that had only then come into existence. Change ducked back into its satchel as a stage, a kitchen countertop with a sink, a backdrop neatly truncated at the edges of the set all created themselves from shadow. And then the host arrived – not spun from reality, but much more normal, as if stepping onto the stage from the dim gray just off-camera (both wizard and Transaction spotted the camera as it formed) was a perfectly normal occurrence. He even was normal, a man in a grey suit and loud tie, and a manner of speaking that made you cringe in its cheesiness.
“Hel-lo there, and welcome to the Bargain Buy Super Sales Home Shopping Channel this fine early daytime, I’m your host Barry “Bargain” Barnes – and you must be our guest today! Just off the road, I see it, ha-ha, I must compliment you on your retro style sir, very recommendable these days you travel a lot I take it? It must be exhausting but let’s get down to business! Now as our guest I’m entitled to offer you three, that’s right three, products at super-super low prices and here they are, Mandy?” A middle-aged woman in a well-made but sadly not-quite-right red dress with sequins stepped out from off camera, and carried on a cushion a package of small white cubes. “That’s right, what Mandy has here are the new revolution in laundry, the Deter-Dirt Cubes™,” – he could pronounce his ™s – “that can remove and, get this, prevent dirt from accumulating on your fabrics for up to twelve hours, not a dig at your clothing at all, you, not at all” – he patted Aaron on the shoulder, then discreetly wiped his hand on his pant leg.
Aaron then noticed that everything that couldn’t be seen directly by the camera took on the same implied, wraithlike look of the world before ON AIR. “Wh-what…is this?”
– “and thank you Mandy, now bring in the next one now – this is the Bargain Buy-”
“Yes, yes I got all that! But…but Mandy!” He waved where she had vanished offstage. “Where does she go when she’s not on camera?!”
Then there was a look in Barry’s eyes, one of weak confusion, of helplessness that seemed to counterpoint his idealized existence. For a second Barry’s eyes reflected <font color="#FFFFFF">static</font>
-and then it was gone. In fact, the event itself had gone, and it took all of Aaron’s willpower to recall what it was he himself had said – we can fix it in post –
“Here we have our genuine cubic zirconium Sack O’ Diamonds, yours for the low, low price of $199.99, all exchanges in credits or versecash please, though if you can get ahold of some Barrybucks get discounts! You won’t believe these aren’t crystal carbon folks, and neither will you! How do they look, eh?” Barry tipped the entire sackful of crystals onto the countertop in a shower of sparkle, somewhat <font color="#FFFFFF">uncharacteristically for him.</font>
Aaron looked on in horror as the world wavered for a second as bands of distortion, ringed in <span style="background-color:#FFFFFF;"><font color="#000000">øá© áñð åíþé bursts of white chaos, like snow blown in the middle of the air and melted into nothingness that</font></span> broke across the world in lances of nonexistence. He fancied he could see himself seeing himself seeing himself in the depths of the fractal madness in one gash – then it was gone – “Change!!, he could barely hear himself scream over the screech of unfurling noise –
Perhaps we are disrupting something of this channel – undermining its purpose, or causing confidence crises in its existence?
“How do we make it stop?!”
It is a shopping network. Change slipped into Aaron’s hand, a familiar feeling in a flailing world. Buy something.
Barry and Mandy skipped back and forth in time and space, like a living record scratched beyond recognition as everything kept falling apart amidst the snow, “And-and and and- andthethe the next product we have here is our very-own home-brand home-brandbrandBargain-Buy Black&White LeCheapo Television for only $399.99-”
“YES!”
-and just like that, it was as if nothing had happened. The expectant visage of Barry Barnes wore a hopeful, charming smile. “Yes?”
Having spoken, Aaron plunged ahead – “Yes! I would like to buy this… LeCheapo Television. It strikes me as…a remarkably commendable purchase, and I would like to spend my…” he peered at Change’s notes, “…Barrybucks…on it. You have your own currency? In ten-cent notes?”
“Quite so,” the salesman expostulated ebulliently, “It keeps the Shopping Network running smoothly. The exchange rate’s very reasonable too, it helps me keep all this,” he indicated the stage and the world, “and we do good business. And speaking of which congratulations sir on your purchase a very nice one if I do say so myself would you like to try it now, guarantee I’m not selling you a lemon or something, whatever the term is?”
“Well,” he felt little parts of his mind warming up in a practiced pattern, “it’s not much, is it? It’s only got to be worth-” surreptitiously, he counted Change- “200 Barrybucks, Barry.” And then, it was.
(The repercussions of this were larger than expected. Bargain-Buy Black & White LeCheapo Televisions became highly sought, and eventually made their way into actual existence. Barnes, despite being a shopping-network host-construct created in a televised experimental world, made a tremendous loss in selling them, which led to the collapse of the entire network shortly after Aaron’s departure.)
To Barry’s credit as a salesman, he managed to resist the change for a full second before blurting out, “You have yourself a…deal!” like a bar of soap exploding from one’s grip. Even then his face was a rictus of pained pleasantry as Aaron paid.
Aaron felt the familiar wind of Change changing existences as the notes changed hands. Mandy wheeled the pathetically small television over by Aaron’s side, and with great pomp and circumstance flicked it on. On the grainy black and white screen appeared a grainy black and white mobster in a trench coat, smoking a grainy black and white cigarette under a lamppost and gazing intently down the grainy black and white road. The wizard hesitated -
Then Change leapt on him, screen-first.</font>
Aaron reeled, spun – then fell over. Everything had happened so suddenly. The road, the world, had been whisked away like a Newtonian tablecloth, then the cage, the crowd, the announcer’s wild shouting – with even moments of darkness as commercials played a blinding psychedelic melody of light across the audience in split-seconds – and then they were here. Aaron lay on his back, staring up into the dim grayness above him. “Um, Change? Did you get any of that?”
<font color="#CDAD00">Change, currently a blue sheaf of plasticized notes, hovered near the wizard’s head. I believe I did, Aaron. We have been entered into a battle to the death, which depending on your mindset is either profitable, catastrophic, or possibly both. But where are we now?
“I’m not sure.” Slowly, with the world still spinning, he pushed himself into a sitting position. The light was dim, but he could see vague shapes silhouetted in its glow, of oddly-shaped appliances and blocky countertops set in front of semi-translucent backgrounds. “It looks like…oh hell, I’ve got no idea!”
Change swerved, and fluttered in front of Aaron’s eyes. Calm yourself, Aaron. This ‘battle to the death’…could end up excellently, or our own lives might be taken instead. The band supposedly holding Change’s notes together rippled, then turned lightly, a sign that the Transaction was contemplating.
But then lights came up, an ON AIR illuminated, and the shapes around them resolved – literally resolved, as if they had been spun from some gossamer firmament that had only then come into existence. Change ducked back into its satchel as a stage, a kitchen countertop with a sink, a backdrop neatly truncated at the edges of the set all created themselves from shadow. And then the host arrived – not spun from reality, but much more normal, as if stepping onto the stage from the dim gray just off-camera (both wizard and Transaction spotted the camera as it formed) was a perfectly normal occurrence. He even was normal, a man in a grey suit and loud tie, and a manner of speaking that made you cringe in its cheesiness.
“Hel-lo there, and welcome to the Bargain Buy Super Sales Home Shopping Channel this fine early daytime, I’m your host Barry “Bargain” Barnes – and you must be our guest today! Just off the road, I see it, ha-ha, I must compliment you on your retro style sir, very recommendable these days you travel a lot I take it? It must be exhausting but let’s get down to business! Now as our guest I’m entitled to offer you three, that’s right three, products at super-super low prices and here they are, Mandy?” A middle-aged woman in a well-made but sadly not-quite-right red dress with sequins stepped out from off camera, and carried on a cushion a package of small white cubes. “That’s right, what Mandy has here are the new revolution in laundry, the Deter-Dirt Cubes™,” – he could pronounce his ™s – “that can remove and, get this, prevent dirt from accumulating on your fabrics for up to twelve hours, not a dig at your clothing at all, you, not at all” – he patted Aaron on the shoulder, then discreetly wiped his hand on his pant leg.
Aaron then noticed that everything that couldn’t be seen directly by the camera took on the same implied, wraithlike look of the world before ON AIR. “Wh-what…is this?”
– “and thank you Mandy, now bring in the next one now – this is the Bargain Buy-”
“Yes, yes I got all that! But…but Mandy!” He waved where she had vanished offstage. “Where does she go when she’s not on camera?!”
Then there was a look in Barry’s eyes, one of weak confusion, of helplessness that seemed to counterpoint his idealized existence. For a second Barry’s eyes reflected <font color="#FFFFFF">static</font>
-and then it was gone. In fact, the event itself had gone, and it took all of Aaron’s willpower to recall what it was he himself had said – we can fix it in post –
“Here we have our genuine cubic zirconium Sack O’ Diamonds, yours for the low, low price of $199.99, all exchanges in credits or versecash please, though if you can get ahold of some Barrybucks get discounts! You won’t believe these aren’t crystal carbon folks, and neither will you! How do they look, eh?” Barry tipped the entire sackful of crystals onto the countertop in a shower of sparkle, somewhat <font color="#FFFFFF">uncharacteristically for him.</font>
Aaron looked on in horror as the world wavered for a second as bands of distortion, ringed in <span style="background-color:#FFFFFF;"><font color="#000000">øá© áñð åíþé bursts of white chaos, like snow blown in the middle of the air and melted into nothingness that</font></span> broke across the world in lances of nonexistence. He fancied he could see himself seeing himself seeing himself in the depths of the fractal madness in one gash – then it was gone – “Change!!, he could barely hear himself scream over the screech of unfurling noise –
Perhaps we are disrupting something of this channel – undermining its purpose, or causing confidence crises in its existence?
“How do we make it stop?!”
It is a shopping network. Change slipped into Aaron’s hand, a familiar feeling in a flailing world. Buy something.
Barry and Mandy skipped back and forth in time and space, like a living record scratched beyond recognition as everything kept falling apart amidst the snow, “And-and and and- andthethe the next product we have here is our very-own home-brand home-brandbrandBargain-Buy Black&White LeCheapo Television for only $399.99-”
“YES!”
-and just like that, it was as if nothing had happened. The expectant visage of Barry Barnes wore a hopeful, charming smile. “Yes?”
Having spoken, Aaron plunged ahead – “Yes! I would like to buy this… LeCheapo Television. It strikes me as…a remarkably commendable purchase, and I would like to spend my…” he peered at Change’s notes, “…Barrybucks…on it. You have your own currency? In ten-cent notes?”
“Quite so,” the salesman expostulated ebulliently, “It keeps the Shopping Network running smoothly. The exchange rate’s very reasonable too, it helps me keep all this,” he indicated the stage and the world, “and we do good business. And speaking of which congratulations sir on your purchase a very nice one if I do say so myself would you like to try it now, guarantee I’m not selling you a lemon or something, whatever the term is?”
“Well,” he felt little parts of his mind warming up in a practiced pattern, “it’s not much, is it? It’s only got to be worth-” surreptitiously, he counted Change- “200 Barrybucks, Barry.” And then, it was.
(The repercussions of this were larger than expected. Bargain-Buy Black & White LeCheapo Televisions became highly sought, and eventually made their way into actual existence. Barnes, despite being a shopping-network host-construct created in a televised experimental world, made a tremendous loss in selling them, which led to the collapse of the entire network shortly after Aaron’s departure.)
To Barry’s credit as a salesman, he managed to resist the change for a full second before blurting out, “You have yourself a…deal!” like a bar of soap exploding from one’s grip. Even then his face was a rictus of pained pleasantry as Aaron paid.
Aaron felt the familiar wind of Change changing existences as the notes changed hands. Mandy wheeled the pathetically small television over by Aaron’s side, and with great pomp and circumstance flicked it on. On the grainy black and white screen appeared a grainy black and white mobster in a trench coat, smoking a grainy black and white cigarette under a lamppost and gazing intently down the grainy black and white road. The wizard hesitated -
Then Change leapt on him, screen-first.</font>
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