Energy Drinks Thread

I'm worried about what your pee is going to look like.

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS
SUDDEN DEATH: THE AGENGUEST IMBIBES

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE

Having been in totality absorbed by the power of the Schapitalist Schoverlord, I'm dipping my toes into this clusterfuck of energy drinkage. Also, I'm stealing the format from Schaz and by proxy Dini, yay! So let's roll up our sleeves, uncork our nose plugs, and say hello to...

~V LIMITED EDITION X-MEN APOCALYPSE EDITION QUICKSILVER EDITION~

Aside from the ridiculous number of promotions going on here ("Prizes MUTATE every hour!" Jesus fuck, are you gifting me biohazardous samples?), this indigo cauldron of bubbles has the dubious honor of also being filled with fucking glitter, which if anything adds even more credence to the 'Quicksilver is massively gay' theory I've always held in my headcanon with no evidence whatsoever.

Upon interviewing Eli about the provenance of this drink, they raised the excellent point vis-à-vis glitter quoted above, to which I had only the answer that we would have to find out, wouldn't we? Also gleaned from Eli was the info-nugget that this purple concoction is meant to taste like passionfruit. Despite not having ever actually tasted passionfruit in my life, I will do my utmost to uphold this passionfruit assertion right up until it impacts with my tongue, to which I will probably cease to taste anything but passionfruit-signifying fructose flavorings for a week.

When pouring this drink into the proffered glass (a nice double-walled one, designed for drinking tea without having to wear heatproof gloves to hold the goddamn cup, and also basically the only nice glass we own) the glitter became excited as hell, swirling through the drink like a fucking lava lamp. Or like, um, paaaaarticles of quiiiiicksiiiilver, let's pretend we're getting mercury poiiiisooooniiiiing. Maybe it also tastes really fast as well, and will fill me with renewed love and innocence for the X-Men movie franchise (it won't).

In any case, down the hatch it goes.

I fully expect to poop glitter for a week. Is that shit even digestible?

Regrets

The following statements will be live-blogged with that first glittery purple swig inside of my mouth, because I am nothing if not dedicated.

T-minus 30 seconds: Well, it definitely smells like passionfruit flavoring, which I feel is a flavor that should be orange.

7: oh jesus what is this in my mouth?
16: the passionfruit flavor cloys, it's... it's sticking to my mouth, oh god
40: it's still /here/ like some fucking unwanted guest
1:02: it fucking /slithers/ down your throat, and there's this... weird undertaste of bubbly bitter glitter(?) It's like impinging on my senses
1:42 oh wow the sweetness is uh, really setting in. there's like, slime all over my tongue
2:12 it's sort of like... medicine that's been flavored to taste like candy? but the body still knows it's fucking medicine?
2:58 still tasting it
3:20 the glitter is... hypnotic. the glitter is inside me
4:00 i'm still not...sure what i've decided this tastes like... it's not really passionfruit is it
4:39 there's glitter sticking to the bottom of the glass, jesus
5:00 ok that's a good enough benchmark

One second, I suddenly feel the need to put on some assless chaps *removes shirt*

Okay, so postdrink thoughts (I tell a lie, there's still a glass sitting in front of me). Whatever the fuck this tastes like, it's probably not passionfruit. I'm feeling significantly less passionate about anything isn't being snarky about this drink. Also according to Eli, my tongue is positively coated in glitter.

I would also like to point out that the natural carbonation of this purple mess makes the glitter slowly swirl counterclockwise in a little whirlpool vortex of queer, queer shininess. There's fucking taurine in this! AND guarana! AND caffiene! I'm surprised I'm not bouncing off the walls right now, though I suppose that's the intention with making a drink themed off of Quicksilver the Pretty Boy. Wonder what an Apocalypse drink would be like? Blue and chunky? Wow, I think I grossed myself out a little here.

Energy drink is not the best way to describe this concoction. I'd rather describe it as a conveyor of loathsome, glittery slime from cup to mouth, like some kind of biologically active science fiction maintenance goop. On the whole though, it doesn't actually taste so bad. Kind of like biting into a pineapple, actually. A passionfruit-flavored pineapple, run through a blender with some various energy compounds and left to dry(?) in the sun. Left for some reason in the sun, anyway, in order to ferment and mature the flavors to the point of unpleasant tangibility. It almost feels like I could fucking chew the back of my tongue out and glitter would squish out.

8/10, would drink more in order to be more snarky about it