The 2am thread

TW: I don't know how serious I am but I have to get it out somehow, also you know, suicide.

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SpoilerPills would be easiest.

Easy to get. Relatively, and it wouldn't be painful. I haven't done the science on this. I just imagine that it wouldn't be painful. I'd just go to sleep.

Reality probably has other plans, but other forms of suicide scare the life out of me. Guns are messy and hard to get, anyway. Rope can break, and cuts... I don't think I could cut myself to death. I'd be too scared to dig deep enough. Draw blood, yes. That's fine. I deserve that. But to really shove a blade in there? I couldn't do it. I have better automatic self-defenses than that.

But pills? I'd just take one, forget I'd done it, then take another, and another, and another, until it's time to go to sleep. Close your eyes and sleep, I'll say, and those would be the last things I ever say.

Realistically, though, I would probably throw them up, or suffer irreversible liver damage. Somehow, that frightens me more than anything else. Surviving the attempt would mean I could never... well.

And I'd be locked up. Kept in a facility 'for my own good'. My parents said that. Everything was for my own good. What was best for me. I'd be there and I'd be humiliated every day and I wouldn't have my clothes, and I'd be beaten to death, and that would be a painful, shameful death.

I just want to stop feeling so... gray. So nothing. So broken. I just want to stop feeling the feeling of not feeling anything.

I just want to go to sleep.