Consistency

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Is the door locked with an internal lock, or an external bolt and padlock? What do you have? Is there anything in the room you can pick up, let alone use?

> Look Self.

Room: Oh god! Oh god! There's something inside of you. Get it out! Get it out.

Room: Start shaking to dislodge whatever has gotten inside of you.

Is the door locked with an internal lock, or an external bolt and padlock? What do you have? Is there anything in the room you can pick up, let alone use?

You sigh and put down your copy of "Dungeon Designing for Dummies". You had no idea that there were so many things to keep in mind for just one room! And you can't even make one of your minions do it, because you need to know how all the traps work. How are you ever going to finish the entire castle at this rate?

> Look Self.

Still shaken by your sudden out-of-body experience, you decide to take a look at your corporeal form. You're just kind of lying there limp on the ground. It's pretty unsettling to look at, honestly. Maybe you should investigate someone else?

Room: Oh god! Oh god! There's something inside of you. Get it out! Get it out.

Room: Start shaking to dislodge whatever has gotten inside of you.

Your existence as a room has always been so empty, and you liked it that way. Waking up to discover something inside you feels... wrong. You shake and shake until the awkward feeling goes away.

Suddenly, you notice with your room-senses that there's a big mess a few feet away. You wonder what it might be, but not too much. You're pretty satisfied with being an empty room, after all. Still, you could investigate, you guess. Or maybe do something else.

Find a turtle!

> Investigate this mysterious mess.

TRANSFORM

Find a turtle!

Your act is just about complete. You show the audience your top hat, reach inside, and...

...pull out a turtle? This was supposed to be a rabbit! Well, no matter, the show must go on. You'd better find some way to convince them that it's all part of the act.

> Investigate this mysterious mess.

This is just bizarre. You've cleaned Room 515 a dozen times before, and every time, when a new guest arrived they claimed it was a mess.

At first you thought the guests were just sloppy and didn't want to admit it, but you're starting to suspect something else is going on. So, now that you've finished cleaning, you head back into the room and...

What the hell. You were in here only seconds ago! How could it be so messy again already? Is this room haunted or something? Maybe you should take a closer look at some part of the room.

TRANSFORM

Von Krizer smirks at you as he presses his sword against your throat. God, you hate that smirk.

He thinks he's about to finish you off. He even stops to ask if you have any last words.

Yeah, you've got one.

ALAKAZAM!

It's a big risk revealing your superhero form to your arch-nemesis, but you don't exactly have a lot of options. You knock Von Krizer to the ground with one punch.

Now you just have to figure out how to disarm his death satellite before it fires and sinks an entire continent. No problem, right?

> You've been rumbled. Get out of there before this guy calls the ghostbusters.

>Dismantle your underwear! Your uncle always said there would be something you needed in your darkest hour there!

Examine the depths of the closet.

Purr. Purr like your life depends on it.

> You've been rumbled. Get out of there before this guy calls the ghostbusters.

Yeah, this haunting's gone bad. It's time to cut your losses. You want to get as far away from here as possible, and the easiest way to do that is down.

As you head through the Earth's crust, you start feeling warm. That's odd. You didn't realize you could be this sensitive to heat while intangible...

Unless that's some kind of supernatural heat.

...Maybe you should avoid whatever's down there, just in case, and head back up. But where should you try to surface?

>Dismantle your underwear! Your uncle always said there would be something you needed in your darkest hour there!

Yeah, this robo-underwear has been extremely uncomfortable, but you wore it anyways because your loved your crazy uncle. Plus it was self-cleaning.

You strip down and start taking your underwear apart. In the midst of the pieces, you find...

A flashlight.

Guess your uncle was more literal-minded than you thought. Well, what are you going to do now? The zombies are getting closer and closer...

Examine the depths of the closet.

Yeah, forget robbery. This secret passage could lead to some juicy blackmail material. You can keep milking this guy for life! No more creeping around through mansion security systems and dealing with dogs.

You walk down the spiral staircase, and find a secret cavern. Except it's been fitted with computers. There's a fancy table with a holographic model of the city, and on one side there's a glass case with a costume in it...

Uh-oh. You may have gotten into something bigger than you realized.

And as if things couldn't get worse, it looks like his car just pulled in through some secret tunnel.

Damn damn damn, you're going to be in deep trouble if he catches you. What are you going to do?

Purr. Purr like your life depends on it.

Yeah, that's it!

Sure, you're a German Shepherd, but you can totally fool the cat show judges if you just purr hard enough. Then you'll win the prize and Little Bobby will be able to afford that life-saving operation.

You purr like only a German Shepherd can. Which comes across as more of a growl.

One of the judges seems intimidated. Maybe you can get him to rule in your favor if you scare him enough. But what can you do?

Come out of the closet.

> There's an intruder in your secret lair, let him have it with your pumpkin bombs.

Worship a banana!

turn that frown upside down

>$@#$&$ DATA EXPUN GD?

Come out of the closet.

Wh-what? That's an awfully big step. You don't feel ready for that. Would they even understand at all?

Then again, you probably should sooner or later... you can't hide who you really are forever. But... but you just get so nervous thinking about it.

Maybe there's some way you can work up to it. Or some way you can get your mind off of things and stop worrying and go back to being nervous the next time this kind of problem comes up.

> There's an intruder in your secret lair, let him have it with your pumpkin bombs.

Yes, that must be what made that noise! An intruder! You pull out your bombs and strike!

Oh. It's your faithful butler, with your dinner. He sighs and hands you the platter; this isn't the first time this has happened, which is why he always puts on a suit of pumpkin armor before serving you down here.

"Will there be anything else, sir?" he asks.

Well, will there?

Worship a banana!

Of course. It makes so much sense now. Bananas are the source of true wisdom! The banana is divine perfection in an earthly form! This is why scientists were drawn to breed it in the shape it now is: because it was ingrained into their minds from heavenly inspiration!

You immediately found the Church of the Banana so you can spread this new gospel to others. But there are logistical details to work out here. Where are you going to find other worshipers? And you probably want a holy book or something. Also, right now your church is just the tool shed in your backyard, you might want to look into expanding.

Where will you begin?

turn that frown upside down

That's it! That's why the statue's mouth is so flat: it's actually moveable! You grab the frown and rotate it so that the statue is smiling.

The door opens. You've gotten one step closer to the treasure. But who knows what you're going to find on the other side?

>$@#$&$ DATA EXPUN GD?

$YN+@X ERR0R---^%*#^*(

REBOOT SUCCESSFUL. ENCYCLOPEDIA PROGRAM RESTARTED.

PLEASE ENTER THE NAME OF THE ARTICLE YOU WISH TO RESEARCH.

>Serve pumpkin tea, the boss usually appreciates that.

>That interfering archaeologist is hot on your tail. Do something to shake him.

> Research Consistency.

Flip the universe on a giant pancake griddle, John Bunyan style.

It's your parents! Well, now's a good a time as any.

"Mom... Dad... I have something to tell you."

Wish for an ironic punishment of your wish.