The Neverywhere Inn

>Stand still. Perfectly still.

>Stand still. Perfectly still.

NAME spends their last pants-less moments in perfect stillness. The memos did warn employees against shaking the machines, after all, and their strange desire to enact violence upon the stubborn contraptions must be held in check.

At the sound of approaching footsteps, everyone turns to the door. NAME, already facing the appropriate direction, simply tilts their head. NAME's colleagues line up beside them according to height: GRETEL and her blackbird friend, DRAK, then MAU.

DRAK
(whispering)
Wait, why are we standing like this?

MAU
It feels right?

GRETEL
I never got my chips, though...

DAKN
What did I say? You should've just had
some meat while it was still available.

GRETEL glances at NAME from the corner of her eye. NAME doesn't have eyes with which to look back, but when they turn their attention to her anyway, GRETEL freezes up. The bird chuckles.

Then, at long last, the MYSTERY SUPERVISOR walks through the doorway.

Character Profile: VesiShow

VESI
Merfolk - ??? - Female
Homeworld: VHVlc2RheSBFYWdsZS1UaW1l
Notes: A shapeshifting sea-dweller from a lost world. She doesn't talk much about her home reality, but shows great interest in others'. Been working for the Neverywhere Inn since its inception.

VESI
Good morning, everyone.

NAME's coworkers echo the greeting.

VESI
Sorry to have kept you waiting. Hopefully
you used this time to sociali...

NAME's distinct lack of clothes becomes a distraction. VESI's golden eyes sweep over them from head to toe.

VESI
Were you not supplied a uniform? You look
rather... under-dressed.

NAME
i have conceded to wearing pants, should
you provide them.

VESI
Delightful. We'll take your measurements very soon.

She doesn't seem intimidated by NAME's height at all.

VESI
Moving on. Welcome to your first day at the
Neverywhere Inn, everyone. No-one likes long,
dragging tours, so I hope to keep your orientation
succinct. Before we begin with our review of the
premises, does anyone have any non-pants-related
questions...?

Ask your supervisor to inflict punishment and disdain onto the poorly behaved vending machine. It is holding your coworkers chips and funds hostage both. Clearly, this one needs remedial training.

> Ask where to find more meat.

>"I don't have a mouth or teeth, but we get dental coverage, right?"

>Where are the bathrooms?

Ask your supervisor to inflict punishment and disdain onto the poorly behaved vending machine. It is holding your coworkers chips and funds hostage both. Clearly, this one needs remedial training.

> Extract your vending machine disciplinary stun baton from your throat pocket, grossing everybody nearby except Vesi.

Ask your supervisor to inflict punishment and disdain onto the poorly behaved vending machine. It is holding your coworkers chips and funds hostage both. Clearly, this one needs remedial training.

> Extract your vending machine disciplinary stun baton from your throat pocket, grossing everybody nearby except Vesi.

Author's NoteShow

Until the forums get the formatting bar back, you'll have to deal with crappy formatting/plain-looking text ;;

GRETEL
I do, ma'am.

VESI nods, and GRETEL indicates the vending machine that refused to relinquish her chips.

GRETEL
The memos say not to shake the vending machines,
but how am I supposed to get my chips out if they're
stuck?

DAKN
We already tried asking nicely. Stubborn little blighters.

GRETEL nods emphatically. VESI's lack of outrage disappoints NAME—where they're from, stubborn vending machines aren't rewarded for their greed.

NAME tips back their head. They open their mouth impossibly wide and reach into their throat. The other newbies watch in disgust as NAME somehow produces a compact stun baton from their esophagus. It's surprisingly dry.

DRAK
... Eugh.

GRETEL
Oh gosh.

DAKN
In plain sight...

MAU
(internal screaming)

The baton crackles in NAME's claws. VESI simply lifts an eyebrow.

VESI
What are you planning to do with that?
No weapons on Neverywhere Inn premises.
I was just about to cover that.

NAME points the baton at the snoozing vending machine.

NAME
allow me to recover the plainstroll's sustenance.

VESI makes a thoughtful sound.

VESI
Exactly how are you going to do that?
I'm all for the team bringing previously
developed skills to the Inn, but we prefer
a non-violent approach to conflict resolution.

>Compress the stun baton into a coin shape and put it in the coin slot.

What does she take you for, a Brute? Use Your Stun Baton to prod The Vendbeast's Ordering Pressure points in ascending order to gain access to Maintenance mode. With enough time and effort, you could make this beast think you were its mother, but for the time being, just get your comrade-in-arms their snack

>Compress the stun baton into a coin shape and put it in the coin slot.

AUTHOR's NOTEShow

I vanish for a few months, and the formatting bar disappears forever. What even happened in my absence...?

Unfortunately, the formatting's gonna be mad ugly/nonexistent from hereon, I guess.

NAME
worry not.
the solution is much s i m p l e r than that.

NAME unleashes a whirlwind of taps against the vending machine's number pad. The backlight flashes green.

NAME
these creatures are easily tamed.

They flatten their stun baton into a coin shape and feed it to the unruly contraption. It rocks comically in place, metal innards turning, and vomits up GRETEL's chips. NAME's coin-shaped baton tumbles noisily into the change compartment.

VESI
Hmm.
Your resume never mentioned a history in maintenance.
Color me impressed.

NAME's colleagues murmur among themselves, hushed voices approving. NAME expands their baton to full size and slides it back into their throat. This time, the others cringe a little less.

NAME
your sustenance.

They hand GRETEL their chips. The bag glistens with an oily, black substance. GRETEL holds it at arm's length between two fingers.

GRETEL
I guess it had an upset stomach.

GRETEL smiles, awkwardly.

The chip issue resolved, VESI proceeds to outline everyone's duties. Employees wear many hats at the Neverywhere Inn: they'll all be responsible for housekeeping, the front desk, room service, and kitchen duty by turns. Depending on one's talents, one may also partake in the live dinner shows offered to VIP patrons.

VESI
You'll all be trained on the floor, by either myself, or a senior staff member.
Does anyone have any preferences regarding which position they take up first?
Speak quickly. First come, first serve.

"i would relish the chance to interact with our customers... personally."

I had forgotten about this adventure. It's so great! It would be especially interesting to see NAME and poor Drinkmaster Greene interact -- their associated adventures have similar premises, but very different main characters.

>"Housssse keeping."

"i would relish the chance to interact with our customers... personally."

>Yes, I would love to see our guests face-to-face. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! *thunderclap*

"i would relish the chance to interact with our customers... personally."

[/quote]

VESI hesitates for a fraction of a second.

VESI
Greeter, then. Once we get you some pants.
Anyone else? There's room for one more.

The remaining trainees exchange nervous looks. No-one seems particularly enthused about working with NAME.

VESI
Nobody? I'll assign you positions at random if nobody expresses a preference.

GRETEL
Um... we'll go.

She raises a hesitant hand. DAKN mimics the motion with a wing.

DAKN
We wanna work on our social skills, anyway.

VESI bobs an approving nod.

VESI
Wonderful.

GRETEL turns to NAME, trying to mask her nerves with a pleasant expression. DRAK and MAU volunteer for the lounge. The familiar sound of tearing skin accompanies NAME's best attempt at returning GRETEL's half-smile.

GRETEL
W-we look forward to working with you.
Thanks for your help with the vending machine earlier...

>"Y o u ' r e W e l c o m e.

...

Can you tell me how "pants" work, exactly? And their function? I am rather perplexed by this whole pants business and Vesi was no longer receptive to my queries."

>Smile again, wider. Wider. A little bit of inky black drips from the torn flesh down the next, before hardening

>Yes, it will be beneficial to work with you. Come, the customers are waiting. So begins our dark work.

>Rattling noises.

>Rattling noises.
>Smile again, wider. Wider. A little bit of inky black drips from the torn flesh down the next, before hardening

NAME responds with a chuckle, which manifests as a rattling sound. Jagged teeth glint as the smile splitting their buttery, tight skin spreads.

NAME
y o u ' r e
w e l c o m e.

GRETEL markedly pales when a glob of tar dribbles down NAME's chin. It crystallizes and crumbles to the floor in dark shards.

>Yes, it will be beneficial to work with you. Come, the customers are waiting. So begins our dark work.

GRETEL
That's... an interesting way to describe saying hello to visitors.

She throws VESI a nervous look. VESI doesn't seem to notice, preoccupied as she is directing DRAK and MAU to the lounge.

DAKN tilts his head at NAME. The blackbird's lack of expressive features has NAME struggling to read his mood.

DAKN
So.
If you don't mind my asking--which I hope you don't, colleagues ought to be open with one another--what, exactly, are you?

NAME
h u n g r y.

DAKN
Er. Allow me to rephrase: what manner of creature are you, dear, faceless friend?

>"This is another hard question. Just like when my 'name' was asked, our kind have never had a word to represent us. Although, I do like the sound of 'Faceless'. Or, perhaps-"

>Decide not to give the second suggestion: *whispered scream, guttural and wet*. It could be construed as rude to name our kind something others cannot mimic.

>"Yes, 'Faceless' will do..."

Joke SubmissionShow

Lonely </3

>I used to be the source of all nightmares, that got boring. I decided to change careers.

>human.
>We rarely find a need to use it, but our name translates something like "Those Who Cut", or "Those Who Rend"
>A distant cousin of yours. And Gretel's. And Mau's. And most everybody.
>Noone of consequence.

>The Tall Ones. I am aware that this may appear to be a Misnomer, given my own dearth of verticality, but Then, I am only young.

>"Usssed to be a cupid. For the [splashing noises]."
>"Even the ones beyond the void nnneed [Chittering noises]."