Trainwreck

SpoilerShow

Moved over from MSPAFA. Bolded names before an update indicate who wrote it. Spoilers between updates show all suggestions because they were never actually quoted.

Dragon Fogel:

It is a fine Wednesday afternoon. You are about to board a train to another city, due to a very promising business opportunity that has just come up.

You get on the train without incident, and relax as it starts moving. You're looking forward to your arrival tomorrow. You settle in and read a book to pass the time.

After you finish the book, you start hearing screams from the other passengers. You put the book down and grab someone and ask him what's going on.

"There's another train headed straight for us! They can't switch the tracks! We're going to crash! LET ME GO WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

You let him go, and start to panic yourself. There's about to be a trainwreck! This calls for swift action! You'll have to act quickly, before the trains crash!

So, you'd better hurry up and answer these VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS! Hurry, before the trains collide!

1. What is your name?
2. What is your occupation?
3. What is the title of the book you were just reading?

SpoilerShow

Terrence Gilligan, retired supervillain. You were reading a newspaper.

Bea Oleander
Alternative Housepainter
Honeycomb Hustle: The Rise and Fall of Black Market Beekeeping

Cyrus Ayloud, adventurer, Saving Throws: How to Cheat Death.

Akumu:

What atrocious timing! Just as you were trying to get on the straight and narrow, something like this comes along and blows it all to hell.

You sigh as you pull your case down from the overhead storage compartment. It looks like life as Cyrus Ayloud will have to wait for another day. You pull on your mask and gloves and once again take up the name of The Apiarist!

Your fearsome appearance puts the trains' passenger into even more of a panic, a feat you would not have thought possible given that they were all about to die anyway. You call out in a deep, booming voice "Bee not afraid, weaklings! For today you hive nothing to fear from The Apiarist!" Those puns seemed lackluster even to you, but your heart hasn't been in it lately. Still, you've got to keep up appearances if your very promising business opportunity has any chance of getting off the ground.

Hoisting the final and most important item out of your case, you get to work saving yourself and the entire train. Only seconds remain before the trains collide!

So, you'd better hurry up and answer this VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION! Hurry, before the trains collide!

1. What was in the case?

SpoilerShow

A portable ion cannon, which you use to destroy the other train.

>A box of toothpicks.

Fakeimposter:

The dull drone of bees haunt your mind as you recall their depressing the demise, caused by the contents of this very case. You carry your murder weapons around you to this day to remind you of their inglorious deaths. You have worn your shame like a shroud until this day. But now, you think you know a way to redeem yourself! Hoisting the heavy case above you, the lid opens. Thousands upon thousands of tiny toothpicks cascade in a splintered version of Niagra Falls, some still shish kebabing the corpses of tiny bees.
You look around triumphantly, a mad grin stretched upon your face.
"WE SHALL BUILD A FORT!"
The frightened passengers nervously glance at each other, before shrugging helplessly and begin to work constructing a fortress out of wood and bees.
It feels good to be the hero for once...



ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMEONE CRIES: "HALT!"
Gasp! Could it possibly bee???


>1. Who is the mysterious stranger???
>2. How in the hell did you kill that many bees with those toothpicks?
>3. HOLY SHIT THESE TRAINS ARE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW GUYS!!!!

SpoilerShow

>It's the President, horribly disfigured from your attack on the Presidential Honey Gardens with your Toothpick Gatling Gun!

bobthepen:

"HALT!" Cries the disfigured official.

"President Bobby L. Wilson!" you gasp, "I thought you had died!"

"I almost did after your atrocious assault during our community planting extravaganza! But I survived! My terribly mutilated body found a way to metabolize the tens of thousands of toothpicks you had fired into my abdomen! I left the hospital and tracked you down to this very train to exact my revenge." He quickly begins to spread green paint over his face and hands, and dons an over-sized sombrero. "I'm Señor Saguaro! Prepare to be PRICKED!"

Suddenly hundreds of razor-sharp toothpicks emerge from the folds of Señor Saguaro's hastily painted skin. He charges you screaming and waving prickly pairs of hands at your face! You scoff at the attempt.

"Trying to sting the The Apiarist!?? I've tamed drones more dangerous than--"

*RIIIIIIIIP*

You stop suddenly and fall over the seat behind you! HE RIPPED YOUR SUIT! Your precious collectable suit that you had planned to sell over e-bay is now damaged! Oh man crankLover493 is gonna bee pissed!

Señor Saguaro towers over you. He laughs, relishing his soon-to-be-complete revenge. He readies the death prickle when...

KA-BOOOOOOM!!!!!

>1. The Hell?

SpoilerShow

Trainbot 6000!

Dragon Fogel:

Shocked by the noise, you and Señor Saguaro rush to the window and witness an astonishing sight: the other train suddenly leaps from the track and transforms into the TRAINBOT 6000!

The Trainbot 6000 grabs your train and lifts it, then flies off into the air! It looks like you're all the victims of a train robbery! Still, that's probably better than crashing...

As you fly, you see dozens of other Trainbot 6000s flying through the air, all carrying trains, no doubt flying towards the same destination to drop off their cargo (trains)!

Someone must have sent the Trainbots to steal all of these trains, passengers and all! But who could be behind this devious plot?

1. OH MY GOD COULD IT BE...

SpoilerShow

RICO RICARDO, THE BEST DANCER IN THE WEST

SleepingOrange:

As the passengers in the various trains tumble backwards (Señor Saguaro impaling a fair few, and certainly not winning many hearts and minds), Rico Ricardo lounges in his private island resort, cackling madly as he watches his trainbots carry the spoils of his dastardly robbery to him. He leaps up from his expensive Supervillain Chic™ armchair and does a celebratory foxtrot with one of the expendable minions that constantly surround him.

Of course, you have no way of knowing that. All you know is that the trainbots are approaching a very flamboyantly-appointed island with Rico Ricardo's logo on all the buildings.

Fairly sure that you know who has captured you, you idly wonder why he could be going to all this trouble. You haven't even seen him since you dated back in high school, and he was never a high-profile enough villain to get much coverage. What was his deal anyway? What is his deal?

You try to stand up. It's time to answer some important questions:

1: What will you do?
2: What is Rico Ricardo's evil plan?
3: Okay seriously whose foot is that and can you please get it out of my ribs?

SpoilerShow

1. IMMEDIATELY BAIL OUT, USING THE HELP OF YOUR GENETICALLY ALTERED GIANT NINJA BEES TO FLY TO SAFETY!
2. Rico is obviously going to take all the trains, melt them into scrap metal, then hit them against the earth so many times the earth speeds up really fast, forcing all the tall people on earth to be flung off!
3. Also, it's the foot of Chuck Norris, who is sleeping. Don't wake him up.

>1. Reflect on your history with Rico Ricardo.
>2. He is trying to win back your heart after all these years! Too bad he doesn't know you're not so big on trains any more.
>3. Oh, sorry, my bad. My leg fell asleep.

Awakelemon:

You decide to leave Chuck Norris' foot sleeping in your ribs for now while you think about what the hell Rico's deal is.
The deal, obviously, is that Rico is still madly in love with you, and is now trying to win you back by scraping together the largest goddamn pile of trains in the world. You used to be big on trains, but it never worked out between you and Rico; your love for trains was like a mothers love for her children, his was like frankenstein's love for limbs. In time you couldn't stand his madness anymore, you left the trains and transplanted your passion onto the dark arts of apiary instead.

Rico never accepted this, and tried many times to win your love back by showing you his more and more stupid train constructions. But no, you heart now belongs to the bees, trains mean nothing to you anymore. Whatever Rico is attempting to do, you scoff at it with great scoffn-

Suddenly, gravity fails you and toothpicks, dead bees, and screaming passengers fly around everywhere. Out of the window you see the ground coming closer and closer with an alarming speed. At least Chuck Norris' foot has left your ribs, now awake and heading towards...


1. Where is Chuck Norris' foot heading?

SpoilerShow

towards it's final destination: bruce lee

To a Time Vortex that exits out to 1887

Chuck Norris never puts his foot in his mouth. He puts it in yours.

Dragon Fogel:

Just before the train hits the ground, Chuck Norris kicks Bruce Lee in the mouth. The force of his kick carries both of them forward, smashing through the front of the train.

As they pass through, Norris' kick opens a time vortex, big enough to swallow the entire train. You emerge in the year 1887, and the train comes to a stop. Everyone falls to the floor, relatively unhurt.

You look out the window to check your surroundings, and discover three things.

First, the Trainbot 6000 is gone. It must have suddenly dropped you.
Second, you landed on a railroad track and a steam locomotive is headed straight for you! Uh-oh! You don't have much time, so you'd better answer this IMPORTANT QUESTION, and fast!

1. What was the third thing you discovered?

SpoilerShow

Due to travelling through a time vortex unprotected, you are now the trains grandfather/brother. Also The universe is beginning to unravel.

> History is all a lie. The Roman Empire was in fact still thriving in 1887, and were the masters of train technology.

Pinary:

Had you heeded the warnings of your teachers in the past-future, you would've known better than to attempt temporal repositioning without wearing protection! Alas, you forgot to wear your timeline-securing puffy vest, and now you risk infecting the timeline with a semistable temporal disaster!

Peeking out the window, you discover just how serious this could be- you recognize the train rushing headlong towards you as your own grandmother! If only you had some- wait, hang on. Is that.. yes! The Romans! And they've brought something with them!

But... wait.

1. What do the Romans have?
2. What are they doing with it?!
3. What do they want with your beloved Grams?!?!

SpoilerShow

1. Señor Saguaro's grandfather!
2. Dressing him up in a tuxedo!
3. They want her as the bride in their wedding ceremony! Wait, does this mean... Señor Saguaro is your cousin?

Ixcaliber:

Of course, it all makes sense now; how your parents used to tell you that Señor Saguaro is your cousin, why he was always there at family reunions driving go-karts around in circles and speaking obscure and dead languages. Actually that last part still doesn't make sense...

You are quickly disturbed from your reverie by a shout from Rico Ricardo.

1. How did Rico travel back to 1887?
2. What did he shout at you?
3. How is Señor Seguaro taking the news that he is your cousin?
4. YOU ARE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

SpoilerShow

1) He obviously used his wretched flying timesteamboat!

2) He told you that he just finished making riches with Doc Brown!

3) He is crying in a corner and contemplating suicide.

4)DO A BARREL ROLL

Dragon Fogel:

"TERRENCE!" Rico shouts at you. "I USED MY FLYING TIMESTEAMBOAT TO COME BACK HERE AND MAKE RICHES WITH DOC BROWN!"

"THAT'S NEAT," you shout back, "BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS AND I'M HURTLING UNCONTROLLABLY TOWARDS MY GRANDMOTHER AND MY COUSIN IS CRYING IN THE CORNER SUICIDALLY AND WILL BE OF NO HELP WHATSOEVER!"

"FEAR NOT, MY LOVE!" Rico shouts. "I WILL SAVE YOU!"

You look embarrassed. If Señor Saguaro weren't busy being suicidal at discovering his blood relationship to his arch-nemesis, he'd probably laugh at you.

You are now Rico Ricardo and you are doing a barrel roll in your flying timesteamboat to save your long-lost love Terrence Gilligan, alias the Apiarist, also-alias Cyrus Ayloud though you don't know that last part yet. You also don't know that he's really not that into you any more.

Anyways, while you're barrel-rolling between the trains to somehow stop the crash, you have some important questions to answer.

1. What gift did you bring for Terrence to show that you still care?
2. What is your business plan that you came to show Doc Brown?
3. Wait, wretched? Who dares call your flying timesteamboat wretched?!?! You shall crush them!

SpoilerShow

1. A bushell of chocolate rubies and perfume roses.
2. Your business plan is to go back in time to before the lottery was invented, invent the lottery and then run it as a scam.
3. It was Sol! Get him!

SpoilerShow

1. A bushell of chocolate rubies and perfume roses.
2. Your business plan is to go back in time to before the lottery was invented, invent the lottery and then run it as a scam.
3. It was Sol! Get him!

Before saving your love however, you quickly write up your plan to invent the lottery and run it as a scam. Wasting no time, you detail each of the steps and give them to Doc Brown, and then set the flying timesteamboat to go back to the year 1566, when the first official recorded lottery was chartered.

"I will meet you with my love in my hands in two hours. Good luck."

As the flying timesteamboat prepares to move backwards in time, but still barrel rolling, you, RICO RICARDO, THE BEST DANCER IN THE WEST, wind up your feet and prepare the dreaded Helicopter Shuffle. Noticing that the flying timesteamboat will not go back in time fast enough to avoid your loves grandmother, you take your gifts and fly out and save her!
You gently set her down.

This is it, you will give him your wonderful bushel of-
Wait, where did your gifts go?

"Oh Mr. Ricardo, these chocolate rubies and perfume roses are so glorious. I... I know, you don't have to say it. I will marry you."

Oh no! You can't marry Terrence's grandmother! You love Terrance! Curse you fate! Wait no... fate has nothing to do with this, you can see through that fourth wall and clearly see that Solaris is behind this entire thing. And he called your flying timesteamboat wretched!

It is time to deal with these things.

1) How are you going to deal with Terrence's grandmother?
2) How will you get revenge on Solaris?

1. Tell her you'll call her. Never do.
2. Rename yourself Doctor Diabolico, plan to bomb the Dominican Republic in a manner that will cause the formation an artificial black hole.

1. Explain that you're just the delivery man and the gifts are actually from that gentleman in the tuxedo standing over there with the Romans.
2. Use the opportunities presented by your magnificent flying timesteamboat to change the past so that Solaris spends his life in misery.

1: Set her on fire
2: Set him on fire

Thinking quickly, you enact a cunning plan to escape your impending wedding.

"How wonderful!" you announce to Terrence's grandmother. "You have made me a very happy man! Unfortunately, I am also a very busy man and will have to call you later to make the wedding arrangements."

"Oh, how marvelous!" she declares. "I have always wanted to marry a magnificent dancer! I can hardly wait! Let me tell you my number..."

You quickly rush off before hearing the number, using the Red-Hot Salsa dance to leave in a hurry, and also leave a trail of flames in your wake. The flames engulf Terrence's grandmother; you laugh as you revel in your nefarious plan to never call her back. You then prepare to deal with Solaris, and reach beyond the fourth wall to set him aflame. You also make it a point to reinvent yourself as Doctor Diabolico and bomb the Dominican Republic later, when your flying timesteamboat returns.

But wait! A thought strikes you. If his grandmother burns in the flames, Terrence will never be born and will never be yours. And the same thing will happen if the wedding the Romans are preparing does not proceed!

1. How will you save Terrence's train-grandmother from the flames?
2. How will you ensure the wedding goes smoothly?
3. What will you earn your doctorate in before becoming Doctor Diabolico?

1. Rain
2. No rain
3. Meteorology

1) Call the SQUIRTLE SQUAD
2) Have them stick around in order to ROCK OUT
3) ROCKOLOGY

SpoilerShow

1. Rain
2. No rain
3. Meteorology

AAAAAHHH! OH GOD I'M BURNING! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

You consider summoning some rain. Weather related dances are pretty simple stuff compared to most of your crazy moves. You figure you should get your doctorate in controlling them. Really they're no sweat you could easily save her... but...at the same time...

You look back at Terrance's Grandmother's puffing happy little smoke plumes in your direction. She's completely oblivious to the fire. Ugh. She's like a wrinkly, Thomas the tank engine, that fell into a makeup vat. You wonder how she's managed to stay so old, even this far into the past.

KA-KOOOOM!

What? Was that thunder? You look down at your happily moving feet. Oh great. That's what you get for letting yourself get distracted while your last dance-related thought was a rain dance. Those cursed genie souls you've stuck in your shoes really take advantage of mental slip ups like that.

The rain successfully puts out the fire...and UGH GROSS washes away Terrance's grandmother's makeup. OH MAN THAT IS NASTY.

Now the rain is everywhere and there is one ASS-UGLY TRAIN still puffing happily at you. You better hope those Romans marry her off fast or...OH DAMN IT THEY'RE LEAVING.

Man this is super embarrassing, you are definitely going to have to do something about this timeline once you're out of it. You'll probably find a way to tie it into that whole "destroy the Dominican republic" thing.

If only you could undo this massive rainstorm! But there aren't any no-rain dances only rain dances! An improperly preformed rain-dance could undo the spell your mystical shoes have cast upon the skys but you can NEVER PERFORM A DANCE WRONG. Unless...

"Terrence! Mi Amor! I need you to dance conmigo!"

"But...have you already forgotten high-school? I...I can't..."

"!Terrence, por favor! !Es por tu abuela!"

Terrence shrugs and halfheartedly stretches out his arms.

You swoop in and pick him up, twirl him marvelously and hold him close to your chest. Oh goodness this is simply divine! Simply amazing! Simply...

---------

Terrible. Just awful.

You are now Terrance, aka, the Apiarist, aka that other name (don't look at me just scroll up. It's there.)

Ugh like he still smells like sweaty pits and you were never good at dancing and he ALWAYS GRABS YOUR BUTT? WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

Your legs flop about like the uncoordinated clutz you are. It takes all of six steps before you cause both of you to trip and tumble to the ground. Rico laughs playfully.

Ugh.

He smiles and starts to run his fingers through your hair and OH HEY LOOK THE RAIN IS GONE. You push him off and stand up quickly.

Looks like the Romans are coming back and getting ready to start the ceremony. You really want to just sneak out of here and avoid talking to Rico.

1. How will you get away?
2.

AAAAAHHHH! PLEASE IT HURTS SO MUCH! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! I CAN HEAR MY FLESH CRACKLE!!!

1. Say that you have to attend to your suicidal cousin. Alternatively, get Rico to deal with your suicidal cousin, then slip away while he's busy with that.
2. Fear not, Solaris! Señor Saguaro will save you from the flames! Somehow!

1. Run ana!
2. But flesh crackling is such a wonderful sound!

1. Say that you have to attend to your suicidal cousin. Alternatively, get Rico to deal with your suicidal cousin, then slip away while he's busy with that.
2. Fear not, Solaris! Señor Saguaro will save you from the flames! Somehow!

1. Run ana!
2. But flesh crackling is such a wonderful sound!

Yes. Running is a bueno idea. And you got just the plan to do that.

"Uh, Rico," you interrupt midway through a move that looked more like sexual harassment than a dance maneuver.

"¿Siiiiiiiii, señor?" Ricardo crooned deeply, vaguely reminding you of an elephant being crushed by a glacier. Slowly. It's like he got stuck halfway between puberty and loserdom. God.

"Well, I hate to interrupt." But wanted to do it so much. "But I have a bit of problem."

"¿Cual es tu problema?" Ricardo widened his eyes, allowing you to see his concern and the varicose veins of his sclera.

"Um, I have to take care of my cousin." You tried your best not to make contact with his sweaty Spanish pits. "He's desperate. He's emotional. He's...has a strong desire to toy with death."

"He's a poet?" Ricardo gasped.

"No! He's suicidal."

There was an incredibly dense silence as the revelation descended on you too. It was serious. It was somber. It was awkward as hell. I mean, your cousin is always kind of problem. Your long-dead parents are disappointed in him. Hell, even you are disappointed in him. As you could see, the mere mention of your self-destructive blood relative is often enough to eradicate the world of joys.

"I'm sorry," Ricardo spoke. And for the first time ever, you were thankful he managed to break the quietude with his silly Spanish accent.

"No, no it's fine," you waved an apologetic hand. "It's not your fault."

"He had so much potential...and he wasted it all on nothing."

"Yeah." You could only say. "Yeah, he had some..."

The pitter patter of the centurion feet grew louder and louder. When you snapped out of your doldrums, you realized it was too late. Your eyes widen at the sheer numbers of the ancient Italians and how ridiculous their ceremonial clothes are (seriously man that is way too much gold for your tastes) and there is that Emperor...

wait.

Oh my god, the Emperor looks like your suicidal cousin.

---

Meanwhile, Solaris's room was slowly filling up with the black choking smell of immolation and pain. He guessed if he kind of used his imagination, the crackling of his own fleshmeat did sounded musical. He would have danced to it but he was trying not to die of carbon monoxide for now.

"Sombero. Sombero. Sombero..."

Is that someone or is all the toxic fumes going into his brain? Being a skeptic, Solaris would have hedged his bets on the latter (if he was not dying of fire). Fortunately for him, it was the definitely the former as an incredibly gross-looking man covered in green body paint and toothpicks came barging in.

"SANGRIA!"

Suddenly, a tremendous amount of Spanish booze came tumbling onto him, leaving Solaris gasping and fire-free. The flameless victim gasped at his safety and his eyes, red and blinded with fermented grape juice peered at the vaguely racist Mexican stereotype that was his savior.

Solaris squinted. "Who are you?"

"I AM SEÑOR SAGUARO!" The sombrero-wearing freak of nature declared proudly.

Solaris tilted his head. "Uh, why are you naked?"

1. HOW WILL TERRENCE REACT TO HIS COUSIN EMPEROR?
2. WHAT DOES THE COUSIN EMPEROR WANT WITH TERRENCE?
3. HOW WOULD SOLARIS REACT TO THE NAKED CACTUS MAN IN HIS ROOM?

1. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD
2. MY SUICIDAL STREAK WAS ACTUALLY MY PARENTS FEEDING ME EVIL DRUGS
3. HUGS