The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

Sam: Begin the training montage
Adler: Be terrible at all the tests put you are put through by Sam
Ixies: Cringe at the terrible job your Sire is doing
Sam: Continue smacking Adler upside the head with your stave every time he screws up

>Angela: Make yourself scarce and come back when Sam is gone. Surely there is some reconnaissance you could be doing with your fellow ixies.
>Adler: You'll cut her some slack for now, as it seems she defected and is loyal to you now, but after Sam is gone, you and Angela are going to have some serious words over this SALV Mission business.
>Adler: Challenge Sam's claims that he can train you. What makes him think he has anything to teach you, and furthermore, what makes him think you need any help and training at all.
>Sam: Stare long and hard at Adler. Does he want a list?
>Well, let's get to training.

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>Adler: Oh I've already have had a training montage with Sheila Na Gig, is this gonna be like that?
>Adler: Challenge Sam's claims that he can train you. What makes him think he has anything to teach you, and furthermore, what makes him think you need any help and training at all.
>Sam: Stare long and hard at Adler.

"Have you considered the possibility that maybe I'm not interested in furthering the Vulpitanian Plan?" I sneered.

"Interested or not, further The Plan you shall," Sam stated flatly. "But meanwhile, training you need."

"I don't need any training from you," I scowled. "I learned Wiles from Sheila na Gig, and archery from Utica the Huntress. I can already influence lowfolk -"

"Your henchmen show me, then," Sam insisted, looking around curiously.

"Well, I haven't started gathering henchmen yet," I countered. "But the point is, I could. And I already know how to fight, so you've wasted your time coming here. Give me back my mustache and be on your way."

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"From me, take it you must," he declared. "For one of your prowess, easy this should be."

I lunged forward and grabbed at the mustache in his hand.

Sam: Begin the training montage
Adler: Be terrible at all the tests put you are put through by Sam
>Well, let's get to training.

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Suddenly he was behind me, rapping the back of my head sharply with his staff.

"OW!" I exclaimed. "You moved!"

"First rule of combat," Sam stated calmly. "When attack your enemy does, not where he is aiming you must be."

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"Again try," he suggested, holding up the mustache. "Better, perhaps, this time you will do."

Ixies: Cringe at the terrible job your Sire is doing
Sam: Continue smacking Adler upside the head with your stave every time he screws up

I reached toward the mustache while simultaneously ducking and dodging toward the left. Sam was somehow there again, and thumped me across my ribs with his staff.

"Second rule," he explained. "Strike you must not where your enemy is, but where he will be."

"Are you Pooking?" I wheezed. "You must be Pooking. There's no other way to move that fast."

"The mustache again try to take," Sam suggested.

I reached to my right while jumping to my left and twisting around to face completely away from where Sam was standing. He poked his staff between my ankles and sent me sprawling on the grass.

"Rule three. Get fancy you must not. And rule four: Away from your enemy never look. Again try."

I rolled over and rushed at his knees.

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"OOH!" I heard some of my Ixies yell as Sam adroitly batted me aside. "Art thou gonna let him do that to thee, Sire??"

>Adler: Aren't cats really fast? Maybe turn yourself into a cat-elf first.

>Ixies: "Please do better, sire. We have a lot riding on this."
>Typantron: "I'm gonna be rich!"
>Adler: "STOP BETTING ON ME!" -WHACK!-
>Sam: "Rule Four: Be distracted by the peanut gallery, you must not."
>Adler: "You made that one up!"

>Adler: "This is stupid! I've had enough of this. I quit!" Mope a little.
>Sam: -WHACK-
>Sam: "Rule Five: Decides the opponent of yours when enough has he had, not you."
Adler: All of this serves to build up your Iraneus-like fugue.

>Adler: This monk sucks  I liked the Mephitist one much better.
>Brother Matthew: Appear. Get in a theological slapfight with Sam. Whack Adler for abandoning his  brother and principles.

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>Ixies: "Please do better, sire. We have a lot riding on this."
>Typantron: "I'm gonna be rich!"

"Ominous Orse!" I wheezed as I got up from where I was sprawling. "Why don't you stop heckling and DO something to help me?"

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"Oooh, Sire," one of my Ixies groaned. "Knowest not that that is Serene Adoyret Learned Votary Sam, the most formidable Lengra-Cha Gnostermonger monk in all the world? What could we do against the likes of him?"

"Swarm him!" I suggested.

"Interfering in the fight would violate the terms of our wager," another Ixie complained. "I have too much riding on this."

"Please go ahead and demand our assistance, Sire," Typantronn chirped gleefully. "Give us an incontestable direct order. Thou'lt make me rich!"

>Adler: "STOP BETTING ON ME!" -WHACK!-
>Sam: "Rule Four: Be distracted by the peanut gallery, you must not."

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"How dare you!" I huffed. "I've warned you about betting on my actions -"

"Fifth rule," Sam murmured as he flicked my ear. "Be distracted by bystanders, you must not."

>Adler: Aren't cats really fast? Maybe turn yourself into a cat-elf first.
>Adler: "This is stupid! I've had enough of this. I quit!" Mope a little.
>Sam: -WHACK-
>Sam: "Rule Five: Decides the opponent of yours when enough has he had, not you."
>Adler: This monk sucks I liked the Mephitist one much better.

"DAMN IT, SAM!!" I shouted, whirling around only to see him dart out of reach. "Why couldn't you have been a genial Mephitist monk like Brother Matthew? He at least would have brought food and Edifying Sacred Scrolls."

"Soft, such things make you," Sam retorted. "Sit and listen to you quote Precepts of Fuma, enemies will not."

How could I best this annoying Vulpitanian? I briefly toyed with the idea of transmogrifying myself into something faster and possibly more dangerous .. an owl or a cat, maybe? But it would require a few minutes of concentration to get the form right - a few minutes which Sam would surely not grant me.

And besides .. what was I thinking?? There could be nothing more dangerous, more fearsome, than a scion of Irenaeus when his dander was up! I didn't need to turn into ANYTHING to beat this annoying monk!

For that matter, on further reflection I realized I didn't have to beat him at all. What did I have to prove here? Nothing!

"Forget it, Sam," I said with a dismissive wave, as I turned and walked toward the dolmen Gate. "Go away. I'm not doing this."

He whacked me on the ankle-bone with his staff.

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"Rule six," Sam explained as I hopped around and howled curses. "Decides when over the fight is, the winner does. Not you."

Adler: All of this serves to build up your Iraneus-like fugue.

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"You are playing a dangerous game," I hissed as soon as I could stand on both feet again. "I'm starting to get angry, and I don't think you've ever faced a descendant of Irenaeus in his Battle Fury."

"If fight better it makes you, then all for it I am," Sam replied coolly.

>Adler: You can have all the strength, speed, and battle fury in the world, but it's utterly useless if you don't know how to use it properly. Sam is just better trained and more experienced than you. Get the ever loving snot beat out of you.
>Sam: Really, that was just shameful. You didn't even break a sweat. You didn't even raise your heart rate.
>Adler: As you lie in a battered heap, suddenly reach an important life decision.
>Adler: "Okay, maybe I could stand to have a few lessons..."
>Ixies: Valuables change hands. Typantron is a very wealthy ixie indeed.

>Get your head in the game for once and actualy concentrate on what you're doing.
>Use your brain (yes yes, it's still there, somewhere, probably)
>A bad melee fighter you may be but you're *still* a very good archer, and still a natural at magik (which means pooking). Stop fighting on the enemy's terms.
>In a fight all's fair to win
>... You still need lessons badly tho...

>Sam: Give Adler your magical amulet.
>Adler: Is this one of those things where the magic was inside me all along?
>Sam: Well, yes. But it also makes you a better fighter. The lesson is simple: if you can't, then cheat.

>Adler: Get the ever loving snot beat out of you.

I am OK with this...

>Adler: RAGE!!!!  Get one hit K.O.ed
>Adler: Wake up.....RAGE!!!  Get one hit K.O.ed
>Adler: Wake up.....RAGE!!  Get one hit K.O.ed
>Adler: Wake up.....RAGE!  Get one hit K.O.ed

>Ixies: Well....this is becoming even more of an embarrassment to Irenaeus' legacy, get between Sam and Adler, hoping to stop this pathetic display.
>Random Ixie: Make the assertion that Sam's continued beating on an obviously weaker opponent borders on the unseelie.

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>Sam: Really, that was just shameful.
>Get your head in the game for once and actualy concentrate on what you're doing.
>A bad melee fighter you may be but you're *still* a very good archer, and still a natural at magik (which means pooking). Stop fighting on the enemy's terms.
>In a fight all's fair to win
The lesson is simple: if you can't, then cheat.

If the Adoyret thought I was going to fight him on his terms, he was sadly mistaken!  I was a master at elfly magicks!  It was high time I started using my special abilities to my own advantage!  Any tactic (short of the Unseelie) was fair if it led to victory!  I began pooking rapidly all around him.

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"Seriously?" Sam sighed.

"How do you like that, eh, Sam?" I taunted as I flickered around at a blinding pace.  "Not so easy to hit an opponent if you don't know where he is or where he's going to - OOF."

Somehow I wound up on the ground again, with a dull pain in my ribs.

>Adler: You can have all the strength, speed, and battle fury in the world, but it's utterly useless if you don't know how to use it properly. Get the ever loving snot beat out of you.
>Adler: RAGE!!!!  Get one hit K.O.ed

"Having all the strength, speed and magick in the world, not enough is," Sam muttered down at me.  "Discipline you lack.  Focus you lack.  Confidence you lack."

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"EAT THIS, SAM!" I snarled, as I rolled over, quickly produced my bow, and snapped off a shot straight at his head.  "I learned archery from the BEST."

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"But the best you are not," Sam declared as he simultaneously dodged and caught the arrow.  "Sure of yourself enough to hit me, you are not."

>Adler: Is this one of those things where the magic was inside me all along?

"Let me guess," I sassed.  "You're going to waste my time with a bunch of Gnostermonger nonsense about ham, and then at the end of it you'll tell me that the power was within me all along."

"Within you the power is," Sam admitted.  "At the beginning, this I tell you.  But true confidence in your abilities to gain, only one way there is:  Good you must get."

With a flick of his wrist he flung the arrow back toward me, and it embedded - quivering - into the dirt next to my head.

>Adler: "Okay, maybe I could stand to have a few lessons..."
>... You still need lessons badly tho...

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"Okay," I squeaked nervously.  "I guess I could stand to have a few lessons."

>Ixies: Valuables change hands. Typantron is a very wealthy ixie indeed.

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"ARRGH SIRE," my Ixies groaned.  "How couldst thou cave in so quickly?  Where was thy Irenaeid battle fury?  Thy fearsome Blood Rage?  Verily we have been gypped!"

"PAY UP, SISTERS," Typantronn gloated.  "Like Angela says, All Thy Aphids Are Belong To Me!  Ha ha ha ha I'm rich!  RICH!!"

>Sam: Be the sensei from hell.

Ixies: Realize that your gambling addiction has gotten out of hand when you realize you don't have anyway to pay Typantronn back.
Typantronn: Become immediately deflated when you realize your sisters can't pay you back, begin to mop.
Adler: "Sam would it be possible for you to instill some discipline into my Ixies?"
Sam: "No" let Adler catch his breath before training, as Adler rests offer him Green Eggs and Ham.
Adler: Oh no not this shit again.

>Sam: "Alright, your training begins now. First: wash and wax this ant."
>Adler: "Grumble-grumble-Irenaeus didn't have to deal with this-grumble..."
>Sam: "Yes, well he's Irenaeus and you're Adler. He earned his title, You have not, "Lord Randal."
>Ixies: Show your loyalty, support, and unbridled adoration for your grand-sire by becoming his own hero-worship saturated cheer squad. Do it with such zealous gusto that it becomes unintentionally irritating.

>Adler: During your training montage start doubting. What is the point of becoming a stronger fighter if you are still trapped here and your enemies are free out there? This is a distraction!

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Ixies: Realize that your gambling addiction has gotten out of hand when you realize you don't have anyway to pay Typantronn back.
Typantronn: Become immediately deflated when you realize your sisters can't pay you back, begin to mop.

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"Thou'rt not serious," one of the Ixies protested. "Surely thou didst not think that a million aphids was a legitimate bet! Nobody hath that many aphids!"

"But .. but .." Typantronn stammered, crestfallen. "Wouldst thou welsh on a bet?? That's despicable!"

"No more despicable than thou, betting against our own noble Sire for thy gluttonous gain."

Adler: "Sam would it be possible for you to instill some discipline into my Ixies?"
Sam: "No" let Adler catch his breath before training, as Adler rests offer him Green Eggs and Ham.

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"Sam," I whispered. "Is there any way you can instill some discipline into these Ixies for me?"

"No," Sam replied curtly. "Their leader I am not. Up to you, that task is. When mastered yourself you have, then underlings you may command. Here, eat." He held out a plate of green eggs and ham.

"I do not like them, Sam," I responded instinctively, despite being actually rather hungry.

"Up, your strength you must keep," Sam insisted. "Eat, and then begin your training shall."

>Sam: Be the sensei from hell.
>Sam: "Alright, your training begins now. First: wash and wax this
>Adler: "Grumble-grumble-Irenaeus didn't have to deal with this-grumble..."
>Sam: "Yes, well he's Irenaeus and you're Adler.

I quickly devoured the food. Sam took the empty plate, and then produced from his Elfintory a strip of cloth printed with a formal floral pattern.

"Around your head tie this," he instructed. "To remind you that Fuma's warrior you are."

I put on the headband and instantly began to feel more serious, more powerful, and more determined. Yes! Fuma's Warrior! That's what I was!

Sam pulled two damp sponges out of his Elfintory and handed them to me.

"That menhir you must polish," he said, pointing.

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"Not like that," Sam snapped as I began polishing. "At eye level you must rub, and in circles. Up and out." He whacked my arms with his staff until I did it the way he wanted.

I stood there for what must have been several hours, pointlessly polishing the ancient stone. My arms were aching, but every time I tried to lower them, Sam whacked me with his staff. Every time I slowed down, he whacked me with his staff. Every time I swirled in the wrong direction, he whacked me with his staff.

>Adler: During your training montage start doubting. What is the point of becoming a stronger fighter if you are still trapped here and your enemies are free out there? This is a distraction!

"DAMN IT, SAM!" I yelled after he whacked me for the hundredth time. "What is the point of this? That rock isn't going to get shiny!"

"Eventually it will, if long enough you work," he replied sternly.

"Why does it NEED to get shiny??" I snapped. "This has nothing to do with fighting! Irenaeus didn't have to put up with such nonsense!"

"Irenaeus you are not," Sam observed.

"You're just wasting my time, aren't you?" I hissed, suspiciously. "There's no point in me becoming a better fighter if I'm trapped in here and my enemies are all out there!"

"Come here your enemies never will? This you think?"

"You're just distracting me from something I should be doing," I persisted. "You're working for Vulpitania, aren't you? You want me tired and achy for whatever surprise is coming next, eh? Well, I've figured you out! Go away, Sam. I quit."

"There is no quit," Sam scowled. He whacked me with his staff again. "To your training, get back."

"QUIT HITTING ME!" I demanded.

"Stop me," he replied coolly.

Oooh that's badass line from Sam!

>Throw a limp wristed sponge at him like you haven't learned anything, but when he whacks it away with his staff give him a good right hook on the snout. Pow! Straight in the pie hole!

>Adler: Look Sam in the eyes and meekly go back to scrubbing.
>Sam: Be disappointed.
>Adler: While getting frustrated over how long this is taking you, get an idea. You are an elf. What are elves best at? Being tricksy. Use your magic to make the stone shiny right away. So shiny in fact, that the light reflecting off it blinds Sam.
>Sam: After being temporarily blinded, Adler takes a swing at you. Catch his wrist before he hits you. "Good, but you need to be better." -WHACK!-

Adler: The Green eggs and ham turn you green, and make you very gassy
Ixies: Be disgusted at the smell
Sam: Also be disgusted
Adler: Use this as an advantage in combat, it fails get hit again.
Adler: Try deflecting a blow from Sam with the scrubbing technique.

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>Adler: Look Sam in the eyes and meekly go back to scrubbing.
>Sam: Be disappointed.

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"Oh I will," I muttered while giving him my best Irritable Glower.  "I will stop you.  Eventually."

I turned back to the menhir and began polishing it again despite my aching biceps.

"Ahead of my lessons you are," Sam sighed.  "Rule nineteen:  With a more skilled adversary, pick a fight never.  Gotten to that one yet, I have not."

I suppressed a chuckle.  The old fool thought I had given in!  But, quite to the contrary, I had just thought of a plan to catch him off guard and give him the pummeling he richly deserved.  He wanted this stone to be shiny, did he?  Well, I would make it shiny!

I silently mouthed an appropriate Gramarye, and the surface of the menhir gleamed like a mirror.  I heard Sam step back and raise his arm to shield his eyes.

>Throw a limp wristed sponge at him like you haven't learned anything, but when he whacks it away with his staff give him a good right hook on the snout.
>Adler: While getting frustrated over how long this is taking you, get an idea. You are an elf. What are elves best at? Being tricksy. Use your magic to make the stone shiny right away. So shiny in fact, that the light reflecting off it blinds Sam.
>Sam: After being temporarily blinded, Adler takes a swing at you.

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Instantly I spun around and lobbed a sponge right at his face.  While he was busy swatting it away, I dropped the other sponge and swung my fist for a mighty Irenaeid punch!

Catch his wrist before he hits you. "Good, but you need to be better." -WHACK!-

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"Very clever," Sam declared approvingly as he caught my hurtling fist.  "Almost impressed I am.  Trickery, a fundamental part of Vulpitanian Style is.  Finally ready to learn, you are."

"What I'm ready to do is pulverize you!" I snarled.

"Not until to control your anger you have learned," he scolded.  "Reckless it makes you.  Also, until blocking you have mastered, pulverize no-one you will.  See if block my attacks you can as easily as the stone you polished."

With that, he swept his staff upward in an arc toward my head.  I could see it coming.  Was he moving slowly on purpose?  I thought about ducking, but instead my arm whipped up in a tight circle - just like the motion I had been using for hours to polish the menhir - and knocked the staff aside.

"Good!  Again!" Sam barked.

Adler: Try deflecting a blow from Sam with the scrubbing technique.

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As I blocked Sam's strokes, he increased the tempo until they were coming rapidly from left and right in no readily predictable pattern.  I blocked them all.

"You're a fool, old man," I chuckled grimly.  "Now that you've taught me how to defend myself, you can no longer touch me - ARGH!"

Adler: Use this as an advantage in combat, it fails get hit again.

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"Rule seven," Sam announced as I hopped around clutching my ankle where he had whacked it.  "Cocky, do not get.  To become a Vulpitanian Style master, more than one trick it takes."

>Sam: Playing to vanity is beneath you, but you're both on a tight schedule. These lessons will go a lot faster if Adler was actually willing to learn and didn't rebel on every step. Demonstrate to Adler exactly what your training will allow him to do.
>Adler: Be impressed.
>Tree/Shrub Guards: Be impressed.
>Ixies: Be impressed.
>Angela: Quietly be impressed.
>Typantronn: *Pffft* It's not that impressive.

Angela: Be so impressed with Sam that what's this feeling, that old fox is awakening something within you, love for another of your..... well he is not your kind but, wait you realize too late you have created a love triangle! Become emotionally unstable when you realize you have feelings for both Adler and Sam.
Angela: Decide to move forward with your relationship with Adler to make Sam jealous, yes now you will have a man fighting for your love!
Angela: Begin sign language to confess your love to Adler.
Adler: Completely misinterpret her sign language, apparently Angela wants wants a pair of mittens, while distracted by Angela get thwacked again by Sam
Sam: "Ixies are not that interesting Adler"

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>Sam: Playing to vanity is beneath you, but you're both on a tight schedule. These lessons will go a lot faster if Adler was actually willing to learn and didn't rebel on every step. Demonstrate to Adler exactly what your training will allow him to do.

"Look," Sam sighed wearily after I was done hopping around. "Much simpler it will be, and time it will save if ready to learn and you are, and resist me every step of the way you do not. So, what Lengra-Cha training can do, demonstrate I shall."

He tucked his staff into his Elfintory and sat down cross-legged on the ground. He held his hands in a gesture of meditation, closed his eyes, and began chanting "HAMMMMMMMM..."

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A few seconds later, Sam floated into the air and hovered several feet off the ground. Several Ixies applauded.

"Big deal," Typantronn scoffed. "Anybody can fly."

"Your bow, get out," Sam instructed me, "and with your best shot try to hit me."

I pulled my bow out of Elfintory, nocked an arrow, took aim, and let fly. Sam swatted the arrow aside without even opening his eyes.

"Again," he commanded. "A full barrage let me have, as fast as shoot them you can."

I whipped arrows out as quick as I could, one after another, and Sam calmly batted them all aside.

>Adler: Be impressed.
>Tree/Shrub Guards: Be impressed.
>Ixies: Be impressed.
>Angela: Quietly be impressed.
>Typantronn: *Pffft* It's not that impressive.
Angela: Be so impressed with Sam that what's this feeling, that old fox is awakening something within you, love for another of your..... well he is not your kind but, wait you realize too late you have created a love triangle! Become emotionally unstable when you realize you have feelings for both Adler and Sam.

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"AMAZING!" the Ixies cried.

The surrounding trees rustled their astonishment.

"Oh please, sisters," Typantronn snorted. "Tell me thou art not taken in by these lame tricks."

"OMG!!1!" Angela exclaimed. "Wat feels R awakening w/in me? 2 Bhold such martial prowess sets my loins aquiver! O Sam, U dreemboat! But wat about Adler? ZOMG! I has created a LUV TRIANGLE! Who can decide between them?? I'll half 2 maek Sam jelous & then they can fite over me. SO ROMANTIC!!!1!!"

Angela: Decide to move forward with your relationship with Adler to make Sam jealous, yes now you will have a man fighting for your love!
Angela: Begin sign language to confess your love to Adler.
Adler: Completely misinterpret her sign language, apparently Angela wants wants a pair of mittens

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Angela flitted up next to me and began performing a series of elaborate gestures in the air.

"What are you doing?" I asked, noticing her out of the corner of my eye. "Are you trying to tell me something? Speak! You have a cold? Your sides itch? Your transmogrified body is uncomfortable? You need a pair of mittens?"

I stared at the squirming Ixie, trying to figure out what she meant with her strange gyrations.

while distracted by Angela get thwacked again by Sam
Sam: "Ixies are not that interesting Adler"

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"Distracted, do not let yourself be," Sam scolded as he threw a pebble at me. "That interesting, Ixies are not."