The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

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>PJ: Point out that you've met that unusually large Ixie before, only she wasn't an Ixie. She's the one who gave you that mustache. Everyone ignores you.
>Adler: Fine, give your propaganda officer a shining armor instead.
>PJ: "H-help! I can't move!"
make one for P.J. as well. Any royal minister deserves a grand uniform.

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"So, um, do those talking bugs work for you?" P.J. asked. "I'm pretty sure I have seen that big one before - only she wasn't a bug. I bought my fake mustache from her."

"Minister of Disinformation!" I exclaimed, ignoring whatever it was he was babbling about. "You need a suit of armor as well! A resplendent outfit to proclaim your status as an official Cabinet Minister on the battlefield! Hold still."

"You're welcome to try," P.J. scoffed. "But I am warded against all forms of elf magi-AWK!"

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"See there, my dear?" I asked Ethel as I proudly pointed at my handiwork. Estvan had been right; magick WAS a lot easier to do in the lowfolk world! "A complete and truly fine-looking suit of armor, perfectly fitted and made instantly, at no cost to you."

"I can't move," P.J. groaned.

>Ethel: Explain to Adler, despite his insistence to the contrary, that plate armor is a liability now. Bullets punch though it like it's nothing. Modern combat wear must allow for freedom of movement. The only way to survive a bullet is to not get hit by it.
>Adler: BAH! Still, if it's what your love wants, it is what she shall get. Whip her up a uniform befitting her rank, but more in line with the times.
Adler, experiment with the uniform designs. Try both the heavy plate veriant, as well as the Vulpitanian style.
> That might apply to mundane uniforms, but this is magic!
Adler: Create the most modern and free flowing uniform you can think of, which to your perverted mind is a bra and panties

"That's precisely the problem," Ethel pointed out. "Plate armor is useless now that we have portable guns that fire with more force than a longbow, and can be reloaded in less than a minute. A bullet will punch right through this junk. And if we're fighting trees, being able to move faster than they can will be our biggest advantage. It would be best to have light armor that allows full freedom of movement and won't weigh you down."

"I know just the thing!" I exclaimed with sudden inspiration.

0612piefightethel.gif

"WHAT THE HELL??" Ethel screeched when she realized what I had transmogrified her clothes into.

"That's a style of armor with a long, proud history," I explained. "It was worn by a legendary warrior -"

"I CAN'T GO AROUND IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS!" Ethel yelled. "I'm practically NAKED! People will think I'm one of those bawdy-house dancers here to delight them, not fight them!"

"Use that to lull them into a false sense of security, and catch them off guard," I advised.

"NO!" she bellowed. "Change it! NOW!!!"

>Adler: Give Ethel a fancy vulpitanian uniform instead of the armor.
Ethel: Smack Adler until he gives you a proper uniform
Adler: "OW OW OW FINE!"
Ethel: "A bit too tacky for my tastes"
Adler: Everyone's a damn critic

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"All right, all right, all right!" I exclaimed. "Stop whacking me upside the head! I get the message! You don't want armor, okay, that's fine. How about some nice quasi-military uniforms? Here's a serviceable design from the most militaristic society I know.."

I waved my fingers and conjured up simple Vulpitanian-style uniforms for Ethel and P.J.

"Are all elves perverts?" Ethel demanded. "Is this your idea of a uniform? The neckline is too low, the hemline is too high, and the skirt is much too tight to walk around in! Again I feel more like a tavern dancer than an officer."

"Well, I gave you an outfit that allowed complete freedom of movement, and you didn't like it," I retorted.

"Just give me back the clothes I was wearing when I arrived here," she sighed. "We have more important things to deal with."

>Ladybird Vindicatrix: The time you've spent amongst these Ixies have been some of the best days of your life. The kinship they have is unequaled. Not to mention they treat you much better than anyone ever did back home. And the food is better than what they have back home too. Decide that from this day forward, you shall be an Ixie forever. Go native and become a turncoat.
Large Ixie: Climb up a tree and fly, fly forever with your ixie sisters! Wait why do your bones hurt so much, all of a sudden

"YOU!" Ethel barked at the Special Abilities Ladybird Vendicatrix, who was trying (and failing) to climb a tree. "COME HERE!"

0612heartwarming.gif

"Yes ma'am, War Marshal, ma'am," the very large Ixie chirped as she snapped to attention and saluted us.

"What's your name, Ixie?" Ethel asked.

"They call me Angela Weakflit, LOL," the Ixie replied.

"Have you always been a member of His Lordship's elite bug troops?"

"Oh no ma'am. Teh Ominous Orse has strict membership requirements. I wanted 2 join 4 teh longest time, but only recently did I prove my worth & finally get in."

"And did you ever sell a false mustache to that useless bird over there?" Ethel asked, pointing at P.J.

"He mite B mistaken N his recollection," Angela replied with a shrug. "Elfs dont lye .. & Ixies dont either I guess."

"And so your loyalty to His Lordship is beyond question then, is it?"

"Oh ma'am, if U onely knew," Angela sighed. "Never N my life have I felt so welcomed as I have since joining teh Ominous Orse. There since of comraderie, there complete acceptance of me as I am .. for teh 1st time evar, I feel like I belong. I want 2 stay hear 4evar! I dont even want 2 relay teh tactical secrets to Vulpitania, LOL."

"Your story truly warms my heart, Angela," I said as I tried to hold back tears. "I'm so proud of my Ixies right now."

Angela, beg Adler to turn her more like the other ixies.
Adler, oblige. But fail in your atrempt (as your spell was calibrated for a deformed Ixie), turning her into a grotesque vulpine/insect hybrid instead.
Angela, like your new form so much that you refuse to change back, even when it's causing everyone who sees you to gasp in shock.

>Adler: Let your underlings carry out your plans while you retire to the scrying tower to scry.
>Underlings: What plans?
>Adler: Refuse to micromanage them, you're busy with the big picture stuff! Like this scrying orb, it's very big.
>Adler: Be approached by a familiar face from the past you thought you'd never see again...

>Adler: Alright fine! We'll put the uniforms on hold for now. As a future project, have Ethel and PJ bring you some images of designs that they want. *Sigh* you are so unappreciated in your time, having to work with such clay as this.
>PJ: "Actually, if I'm your Minister of Misinformation, wouldn't it make more sense if I went incognito? Wear my regular clothes so no one suspects anything?"
>Adler: "Negative, soldier! It is required that you wear a uniform at all times while on duty, which is also at all times."
>Ethel: Bring everyone's attention back to the task at hand. Formulate the battle plan. It would be better if all the actual fighting was left to the Duchess's forces. Have the ixies dump the bugs and flee. If you want the Duchess to think it's all the Vulpitanians, it's best if we have as little presence as possible. Plus Adler currently has so few forces, it would be foolish to waste any of them.
>Angela: Begin listing a barrage of suggestions on how to lead the Duchess to believe the Vulpitanians are behind this. Goodness, her encyclopedic knowledge of Vulpitanian military and espionage tactics are very, very impressive.
>Adler: By Fuma, Angela's knowledge of absolutely every detail about the Vulpitanians is astounding. Almost as if she's had prior experience. But then, that would mean... She's been doing reconnaissance of her own initiative! Such dedication! Looks like someone definitely earned her promotion. Congratulate Angela on going above and beyond the call of duty, she's got a long and not-tragic-at-all future ahead of her.

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>Adler: Be approached by a familiar face from the past you thought you'd never see again...

>*GASP!* BB CROOKER!?

Angela: You feel so free! Free like never before! No one will stop you from realizing your dreams of becoming an Ixie! Begin divulging ever possible secret about the Duchess and Vulpitania that you know!
Adler: This is very suspicious, you begin to realize that maybe... yes... PJ could be a Vulpitanian spy! Begin pummeling the traitor
PJ: "ACK! HURK! NO! MONSIEUR STOP!"
Ethel: Drag Adler off the minister of disinformation, slap him a couple times to get him to come back to reality
Adler: You don't know what madness could have come over you! Believe it is some sort of plot by the duchess to warp your mind
Ethel: Your new boss is becoming overly paranoid, maybe he should stop eating roots that are potentially poisonous.

Had a good laugh at Ethel's bikini armour.

Jeez...I've really had nothing to contribute....still ooooo there's another Vulpitian lass....this has possibilities...

>Adler: Give Ethel and Percy Civil War era uniforms which you somehow know how to make.

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Angela, beg Adler to turn her more like the other ixies.
Adler, oblige. But fail in your atrempt (as your spell was calibrated for a deformed Ixie), turning her into a grotesque vulpine/insect hybrid instead.
Angela, like your new form so much that you refuse to change back, even when it's causing everyone who sees you to gasp in shock.

"Sire, is it true that U rawk @ teh transmogz?" Angela asked me suddenly.

"Huh?" I replied with all the aplomb befitting a leader.

"Can U transmogrify any1 N2 a different form?" she rephrased. "Can U make me a real Ixie?"

"But," I spluttered. "What about the beautiful differences that make you uniquely special?"

"F that," Angela barked. "I want 2 be normal!!1! CAN I HAS TRANSMOG PLZ??"

"Very well," I sighed. "If you're sure that's what you want .. hold still and let me concentrate for a moment .."

I had never actually done it before, but transmogrifying someone else should, in theory, be just like transmogrifying myself - in the same way doing an apport was like doing a Pooka Vanish on something other than oneself. I placed my hands on Angela's shoulders and visualized her shrinking and becoming an Ixie.

0619ixified.gif

Ethel gasped and stepped back, while P.J. squawked "kill it with fire!"

"Oh dear," I groaned. In one way I was pleased that it had worked so well, and yet I was mortified that it had worked far less well than I had hoped. What went wrong? "I am terribly sorry. Let me catch my breath, and we can try again."

"SQUEEE," Angela squeaked with delight. "I LUV IT!!1!! My new exoskeleton is teh smexx, & teh big floppy wings R totes adorbs!"

"Well, all right then," I shrugged. "If that look suits you .."

>Angela: Begin listing a barrage of suggestions on how to lead the Duchess to believe the Vulpitanians are behind this. Goodness, her encyclopedic knowledge of Vulpitanian military and espionage tactics are very, very impressive.
>Adler: By Fuma, Angela's knowledge of absolutely every detail about the Vulpitanians is astounding. Almost as if she's had prior experience. But then, that would mean... She's been doing reconnaissance of her own initiative! Such dedication! Looks like someone definitely earned her promotion. Congratulate Angela on going above and beyond the call of duty
Angela: You feel so free! Free like never before! No one will stop you from realizing your dreams of becoming an Ixie! Begin divulging ever possible secret about the Duchess and Vulpitania that you know!

0619intel.gif

"It suits me 2 a T!" Angela giggled as she fluttered erratically around. "Look @ me! I can fly! Im FREE!! Ill nevar go back 2 Vulpitania! U has my undying allegiance! So Ill tell U what U should due 2 spoof teh Duchess N2 thinking its Vulps Bhind it all."

"You .. changed her," Ethel whispered.

"1st U should use teh battle cry 'Hoch Der Plan' Bcause Vulp command luvs that phrase," Angela continued. "All field operatives should ware monocles if possible & call each other 'SALV' all teh time. Also yell about where's my 12 cases of Persoc-Itoome, teh Duchess will no wut that means. If she sez she delivered, then they respond with 'O yea? I didnt get any' & she will B confuzzled."

"This is great stuff," I chuckled. "Minister of Disinformation! Are you writing all of this down? As for you, Angela .. there's only one way you could know so much detailed information about Vulpitanian military secrets: You've been doing some spying on your own! Great work! Impressive display of resourcefulness and initiative! You definitely earned your promotion, and I'm going to go ahead and designate you a Strategic Asset and Logistic Verifier! You deserve it!"

"O thank U Sire!" the Ixie chirped with glee.

"You completely altered her size and shape," Ethel murmured.

"Yeah," I declared. "Just like I altered your clothes earlier. Same magickal principle."

"This seems .. different," Ethel scowled.

>Adler: Let your underlings carry out your plans while you retire to the scrying tower to scry.
>Underlings: What plans?
>Adler: Refuse to micromanage them, you're busy with the big picture stuff!
>Adler: As a future project, have Ethel and PJ bring you some images of designs that they want.
>PJ: "Actually, if I'm your Minister of Misinformation, wouldn't it make more sense if I went incognito? Wear my regular clothes so no one suspects anything?"
>Adler: "Negative, soldier! It is required that you wear a uniform at all times while on duty, which is also at all times."
>Ethel: Formulate the battle plan. It would be better if all the actual fighting was left to the Duchess's forces. Have the ixies dump the bugs and flee. If you want the Duchess to think it's all the Vulpitanians, it's best if we have as little presence as possible. Plus Adler currently has so few forces, it would be foolish to waste any of them.
>Adler: Give Ethel and Percy Civil War era uniforms

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"Yeah, well, whatever," I said with an authoritative wave of my hand. "I have alchemy to do while you lot carry out the first part of the plan."

"What plan?" Ethel asked.

"The battle plan!" I snapped. "Look, I don't have time to micromanage every little detail. I've got to steam and prepare a load of exploding powder! You have Angela's tactical advice and you have Typantronn's wood-devouring pests; it shouldn't be hard to figure out what to do with them! Oh, and also I want you each to sketch up a design for your uniform."

"Uhmm," P.J. interjected. "If I'm to be your Minister of Misinformation -"

"Disinformation," I corrected him.

"Wouldn't it make more sense for me to remain incognito?" he continued, unfazed. "If I just wear my normal clothes, nobody will suspect anything."

"WRONG," I reprimanded. "As a very important cabinet minister, you must wear a uniform at all times while on duty .. which is all the time. So design something comfortable as well as eye-catching!"

"Right," Ethel sighed as I stepped into the entrance of the dolmen. "I guess we should dump the bugs quickly and get out, since our forces are minimal and we need the Duchess to do most of the fighting for us without tipping her off that it is even us in the first place ..."

>Adler: Start preparing your steaming project. Try appropriating pots and pans from the royal kitchen.
>(SALV) Angela: Be determined, nay, hell-bent on showing your gratitude to the elf.
>Adler: She whispers things in your ear that make you blush. Grow increasingly alarmed. Good heavens how she even comes up with such thoughts!?

Angela is really cute!

>Adler: Succumb to your desires and transform yourself into a ixie in order to give her a good tumble!
>Adler: Midway through realize you're committing incest and panic!
>Angela: Attempt to make Adler continue tumbling you.
>Someone: Watch this debacle with morbid curiosity.

>Ixies: Right: monocles, secret phrases, and battle cries. Let's go make some antgladers cry and make some trees bleed.
>Ethel and PJ: It's impractical and too far away for you to trek to Percysthorpe. Take a page from Adler's book and supervise from a distance. The ixies have their orders and they know what to do.
>Ethel: "So you're okay with being shanghaied into this out of the blue?"
>PJ: "If it means wealth, fame, and power, then yes."
>Duchess: Bah! Them Vulpey-Vulpes think they can fool you with all these shoddy and obviously fake ixie costumes they got flying around. They're wearing monocles and they all talk funny. That one with the floppy arms and fox tail is pretty convincing, but all the rest is a dead give away! Just who do they think they are, asking you for 12 cases of Persoc-Itoome. You already gave it to them! Once this is over, you're going to have some stern words with those fascist foxes...
>Shrubs and trees: Things start to get really itchy.
>Adler: Yes, now that the menial work is being handled by your delegates, time to get to work on things that actually matter. Lucky for you, the scrying tower is a multipurpose building and a very basic alchemy station is already present in that corner that's always been there but we've just never seen it before now. Let's get to steaming.
>Adler: Ethel was right, conventionally steaming the powder renders it useless. Steaming it with elven ingredients alows the powder to still lightly fizzle, but it's hardly useful. Maybe if you add something into the powder directly. Just a drop of this should be fine- !!!
>Adler: . . . Too much. . .

>...You could transmogriphy some of your agents into actual vulpitians. Or bushes.
>In fact just shown you can use your transmogriphication mojo not just on yourelf but also on anyone to look or even be like anyone else you want. That opens a /REALM/ of endless possibilities, really....
>PJ and Ethel: Have a frank discussion of Adler's /actual/ chance of success and weither it's worth the gamble to stick around.
<Decide to stick around but don't hesitate to get 'creaive' with your instruction when needed.
>Adler: You're a master at cooking. This 'Chemistery' cant be /that/ different ! Right ? right ?!

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SpoilerDue to Eagle-Time being down last night, I had to compose this update without access to the forum commands.  I did the best I could with my handwritten notes.  See the full version with pictures (posted last night) if you haven't already at https://www.patreon.com/posts/27934636 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

When I returned to the scrying tower, I approached the alchemy set in the corner and began to examine it.

(What?  Did I forget to mention that there was an alchemy set in the corner of the scrying tower?  Well, there was.  It had been there the whole time!  Can't think why I never pointed it out before now...)

0626alchemy.gif

Alchemy, as far as I understood it, was very similar to cooking.  If I could make a stew, then I could most certainly make an alchemical concoction!  These vessels looked quite a bit different from any food-preparation apparatus I had ever seen .. but the principles were essentially the same .. weren't they?

I could tell right away that I would need much larger containers to process the lowfolk exploding powder in the quantities I would need for my war effort.  Where could I get larger containers?  Maybe I could figure out a way to apport them from the Royal Kitchen ...

I would also need to apport the powder here from where I had stowed it in the stone circle outside the Gate.

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My musings were suddenly interrupted by Angela Weakflit chirping:  "What R U thinking about, Ur Higness??"

"How did you get in here?" I asked.

"I followed U, LOL," she giggled.  "I just want 2 say I M Xtreemly grateful 2 U 4 teh transmog.  Ill B 4evar N Ur debt & I M ready 2 serve U N any way I can."

"Well, I appreciate that, but I really meant for you to advise my War Marshal and Minister of Disinformation regarding their most effective strategy.."

"& I do meen ANY way," Angela reiterated.  "*WONK WONK*"

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Then she landed on my shoulder and whispered into my ear things that I won't repeat here; things that would have made even Sheila na Gig blush!

"Th-that would be incest," I stammered.  "You're one of my daughters .. or granddaughters by now, maybe."

"Nope," she asserted with a grin.  "Im knot related, witch is another reason teh Ominous Orse wouldnt let me join @ 1st.  Now Im N & I got a sweet Ixie bod thanks 2 U .. & I want 2 no if its true what I herd about Ur legendary Mojo."

Adler: Just mushroom out of this situation. It's getting too weird.

>Adler: Oh, uh. It's not that you aren't flattered or anything, it just that she's kind of... A freakish mutant. She is probably reacting to a sudden change from her, uh, sudden change. Imbalanced hormones and whatnot. Gently inform her that she is much more needed in the field than in your bed.
>Adler: Not to mention that Ethel would most certainly disapprove.You've only just started getting into her good graces, you can't afford anything that would endanger that. *sigh* Wistfully imagine how elegant she will be when she picks out her uniform. There will be absolutely no way the sculptors for the archives will be able to do her justice.
>Angela: Snap your fingers and wave your hands in front of Adler's face. He's got a super-dopey grin and a far-away look in his eyes. Oh well... Back to work...

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Spoiler>Ixies: Right: monocles, secret phrases, and battle cries. Let's go make some antgladers cry and make some trees bleed.
>Ethel and PJ: It's impractical and too far away for you to trek to Percysthorpe. Take a page from Adler's book and supervise from a distance. The ixies have their orders and they know what to do.
>Ethel: "So you're okay with being shanghaied into this out of the blue?"
>PJ: "If it means wealth, fame, and power, then yes."
>Duchess: Bah! Them Vulpey-Vulpes think they can fool you with all these shoddy and obviously fake ixie costumes they got flying around. They're wearing monocles and they all talk funny. That one with the floppy arms and fox tail is pretty convincing, but all the rest is a dead give away! Just who do they think they are, asking you for 12 cases of Persoc-Itoome. You already gave it to them! Once this is over, you're going to have some stern words with those fascist foxes...
>Shrubs and trees: Things start to get really itchy.
>Adler: Ethel was right, conventionally steaming the powder renders it useless. Steaming it with elven ingredients alows the powder to still lightly fizzle, but it's hardly useful. Maybe if you add something into the powder directly. Just a drop of this should be fine- !!!
>Adler: . . . Too much. . .

Adler: There is now a very sizable hole in the side of the scrying tower, congrats you have just destroyed a priceless historical monument, moron.
Adler: You begin using smaller mixes of chemicals in the powder, hopefully it doesn't have the same reaction as before.
Pj and Ethel: Hey why is all that smoke coming out of the portal that goes into faerie.
Ethel: Facepalm "Oh dear fuma what did he do now".
PJ: You get a feeling it was a bad idea to follow this guy... but then again he is paying...... maybe.
Jerry: You pull the shoe off your head, and look out the shoe window, of your shoe mistress's, shoe dungeon. Wow those trees look angry and they look like they don't like shoes. Try go outside, only to be stopped by your shoe mistress, and placed into the shoe machine. All your shoe troubles, are quickly shoe forgotten shoe about, Shoes.

>Maybe later. You haven't had any compagny  in a while after all. And you've done weirder kinkier things So as weird as it is... so why not ?
>This mention of weird and unatural coupling, can't help but have your though turn to our old wiles teacher, Sheila Na Ogg and all the lovely truama she left you with. Wonder what happened to her after all this time. Whatever it is, it can't be awfull enough for her.

>Addler: Turn out to have a genuine knack for alchemy on a practical standpoint ! ... If only you had the theorical education needed with it.
>You know yoy have an infinite lifespann you should take a few decades to make ylourself abook collection and  read while you're still stuck in this stupid ruined city.
>Anyway for now mourn your lost eyebrows

>Meanwhile over the anteglade your plan is working perfectly. Mostly. Probably. Sorta

>Addler: Have the unseelie idea of having your ixies get handkerchiefs out of a small pox hospital and giving them to your enemies.

A true elf ALWAYS has time for venery before a battle! Turn into your Ixadler form and ravish her. Though you might want to keep your eyes closed while doing it...
Angela, have a weird mix of Ixie and Elf anatomy, causing you to not have one or two babies or las a dozen eggs, but to get pregnant with a dozen babies at once. Become a mother to a new class of Ixie: The Vulpixie.

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Adler: Just mushroom out of this situation. It's getting too weird.
A true elf ALWAYS has time for venery before a battle! Turn into your Ixadler form and ravish her.

"LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!" I exclaimed, in a desperate attempt to distract Angela. If I could just get her to look away for a moment, I could do my mushroom trick and escape this awkward situation!

"Nice try, Ur Higness," she smirked. "Y R U trying 2 distract me? A reel elf always has time 4 venery B4 battle. Teh Ominous Orse tell a story about how U turned Urself N2 a hunky Ixie stud & ravished their matriarch. I want me sum of that."

>Adler: Oh, uh. It's not that you aren't flattered or anything, it just that she's kind of... A freakish mutant. She is probably reacting to a sudden change from her, uh, sudden change. Imbalanced hormones and whatnot. Gently inform her that she is much more needed in the field than in your bed.
>Maybe later. You haven't had any compagny in a while after all. And you've done weirder kinkier things

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"Look," I chided. "It's not that I'm flattered or anything, it's just that it would be inappropriate because you are under my command and you may be experiencing some confusing physical sensations due to your recent dramatic transmogrification."

"Its knot confuzzling," she objected. "I no Xactly wut I need."

"Well, I need you out there, giving tactical advice to my field commanders," I reminded her. "Your specialized knowledge is of no use here, in a debauched venery session."

"Dont B so sure," she smirked. "But OK, I will follow orders 4 now if U will indulge me l8er as a reward."

"We'll see," I replied cautiously. "It depends how the battle turns out."

"Now I has an Ncentive 2 win," Angela chuckled.

>Adler: Not to mention that Ethel would most certainly disapprove.You've only just started getting into her good graces, you can't afford anything that would endanger that. *sigh* Wistfully imagine how elegant she will be when she picks out her uniform. There will be absolutely no way the sculptors for the archives will be able to do her justice.
>Angela: Snap your fingers and wave your hands in front of Adler's face. He's got a super-dopey grin and a far-away look in his eyes. Oh well... Back to work...

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I certainly couldn't give in to this weird Ixie's blandishments now .. what would Ethel think of me if I did? No, I must save myself and show my steadfastness, my devotion, my willingness to pass up fun - to which I was perfectly entitled - in preference for her. Lowfolk femmes melted for that kind of stuff in all of the old tales! It couldn't fail to win her heart when she discovered how I had spurned the malformed insectoid's lewd advances.

Ah, when I saw Ethel again, what kind of lovely uniform would she have designed for herself by then? I would make it for her, and I would look at her in it, and she would scowl at me affectionately ...

"Uh .. Sire? Ur Majesty?" Angela waved her hand in front of my face, but - lost in thought - I completely ignored her. After a few minutes, she shrugged and sighed, and flew out of the room.

I shook myself out of my reverie. I had to be careful, and not let myself get carried away with that lowfolk femme! The old tales also told about how dangerous they were!

All right! Where was I? It was time to get to work on the exploding powder! I nipped quickly into the scrying chamber and used it to pinpoint the location of the bags of powder and apport them into the tower.

>Ethel: "So you're okay with being shanghaied into this out of the blue?"
>PJ: "If it means wealth, fame, and power, then yes."
PJ: You get a feeling it was a bad idea to follow this guy... but then again he is paying...... maybe.

"So you're okay with being shanghaied into this out of the blue?" I heard Ethel ask P.J.

"If it means wealth, fame, and power, then yes," the bird replied. "He is going to pay us eventually, right?"

"I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you."

Well then, my troops seemed to be motivated! Morale was high, and it was time for me to get to work!

>Adler: Ethel was right, conventionally steaming the powder renders it useless. Steaming it with elven ingredients alows the powder to still lightly fizzle, but it's hardly useful. Maybe if you add something into the powder directly. Just a drop of this should be fine-
Adler: You begin using smaller mixes of chemicals in the powder
>Addler: Turn out to have a genuine knack for alchemy on a practical standpoint ! ... If only you had the theorical education needed with it.
you should take a few decades to make ylourself abook collection and read while you're still stuck in this stupid ruined city.

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Hmm ... I would need to proceed with caution, since this was a volatile material. I didn't want to blow up the scrying tower (especially not with me in it!) Furthermore, there was some validity in Ethel's warning that steaming the powder could potentially ruin it. HA! Only if I used water! But I had no intention of doing that!

Alchemy should be just like cooking. If I had an explody ingredient, and I wanted to make it more explody, more flammable than it already was ...

This was going to be more difficult than I had anticipated, since I couldn't really express my intent in terms of understandable flavors. What exactly did combustibility taste like? But surely if I started by adding a tiny pinch of powder to this flask, and then added a dash of .. hmm ..

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SpoilerLast chance to influence this alchemy experiment.

>Adler: The Great Coyote Spirit must have his gaze upon you, for in a pure looney tunes-esque moment of buffoonery, it blows up directly in your face leaving it comically blackened. Wonder how many aphids Typantronn will win from this.
>Adler: Surely the best way to get a feel for something's taste is to just taste it. Give that powder a lick.
>Adler: BLECH!!!
>Adler: Your inept bungling continues for a while. Alchemy is harder than they make it look. When you get tired of burns, concussions, and poisoning yourself, hop into the scry doohickey and check how the battle is going. The Duchess and the Boy Dukes are preoccupied enough that they shouldn't notice you.

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Spoiler[Sorry for re-posting the same thing twice. I couldn't think of anything else that was relevant.]
>Ixies: Right: monocles, secret phrases, and battle cries. Let's go make some antgladers cry and make some trees bleed.
>Ethel and PJ: It's impractical and too far away for you to trek to Percysthorpe. Take a page from Adler's book and supervise from a distance. The ixies have their orders and they know what to do.
>Duchess: Bah! Them Vulpey-Vulpes think they can fool you with all these shoddy and obviously fake ixie costumes they got flying around. They're wearing monocles and they all talk funny. That one with the floppy arms and fox tail is pretty convincing, but all the rest is a dead give away! Just who do they think they are, asking you for 12 cases of Persoc-Itoome. You already gave it to them! Once this is over, you're going to have some stern words with those fascist foxes...
>Shrubs and trees: Things start to get really itchy.

>Adler: Nothing's more volatile than hard liquor! Sample booze of every kind before starting just so you get it right.
>Adler: Wake up somewhere else. Have no recollection how you got there.

>Adler: Nothing's more volatile than hard liquor! Sample booze of every kind before starting just so you get it right.
>Adler: Wake up somewhere else. Have no recollection how you got there.

>Wake up with the traditional policeman helmet and strange cone made of a mysterious orange material (no one know where they come from)

Adler: "A dash of nitroglycerin should work".
Ethel: Begin telling PJ about the horrible conditions that he will have to endure to keep his job.
PJ: You worked in your uncle's shoe shop, nothing is as bad as that.
Angela: Alright if you want to get in bed with this handsome elf, then you have to prove yourself to Adler, begin tactically (as well as seductively) planning out how you shall destroy the Shurbs, and Duchess of daisies.

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SpoilerSee it with pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/28289840 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

it blows up directly in your face leaving it comically blackened. Wonder how many aphids Typantronn will win from this.
Adler: "A dash of nitroglycerin should work".

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The mixture ignited with a sudden FOOMF, leaving me standing there with charred & smoking fur. I sighed, Gramaryed the ashes out of my pelt, and tried again with a smaller dose.

It filled the room with acrid smoke and I had to go outside for several minutes.

The next attempt was watery and completely inert.

This was turning out to be much harder than I had anticipated!

>Adler: Surely the best way to get a feel for something's taste is to just taste it. Give that powder a lick.
>Adler: BLECH!!!
Sample ... before starting just so you get it right.

Alchemy, at least in theory, should be just like cooking .. but the problem was that I had no idea what the ingredients tasted like! How could I concoct the perfect flavor without tasting the ingredients? I was going to have to sample this exploding powder, to get a better idea of what I was working with.

I used Gramarye to carefully command a small pinch of powder not to be poisonous, without losing any of its essential flavor. I timidly licked it ...

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OH! It was AWFUL!! The taste was reminiscent of ultra-salty charcoal mixed with marinated egg and feral cat pee! How could I ever make anything appetizing out of this??

Alchemy is harder than they make it look. When you get tired of burns, concussions, and poisoning yourself, hop into the scry doohickey and check how the battle is going.
Angela: Alright if you want to get in bed with this handsome elf, then you have to prove yourself to Adler

It seemed like a hopeless task. Maybe Ethel was right; maybe it couldn't be done.

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I decided to take a break from my alchemical attempts, and scry on the progress of the battle. Surely Angela would be employing her best strategies, since she was so desirous to impress me.

I peeked out over the stone circle, and nobody was there. The surrounding forest was eerily quiet, and seemed even tulgier than usual. Where was everybody? I had expected my officers to maintain a command center nearby, but perhaps they had moved to be closer to the theater of conflict.

I concentrated on Ethel, picturing her clearly in my mind, and sped my scry-sight above the forest toward her current location.

My perception zoomed toward the village of Tulgeyside, to Ethel's house, through the window and into the sitting room.

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My War Marshal and my Minister of Disinformation were sitting quietly in rocking chairs! P.J. was smoking a pipe and reading a large sheet of densely-lettered text, while Ethel appeared to be knitting a blanket.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I bellowed. "I didn't appoint you to your positions so you could sit around and goof off!"

"Did you hear that?" Ethel asked as she and P.J. looked nervously around the room.