The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

I'm feeling really sick. I should be over it pretty soon if my brother's bout with this is any indication, but I'm not expecting to be on a lot today.

I'll probably be fine tomorrow, maybe even tonight, I just can't focus on a lot right now.

Supes - What is your fish ill with?

So, uh.

Yesterday my stepmother told me she wished I didn't exist, and gave me what basically amounted to a half hour lecture on why I'm such a loser, including sub topics of a) why I'm going to fuck up my relationship with my boyfriend, and b) why I'm a pathetic child who expects everyone to do everything for me (after i asked to maybe be kept in the loop about what was going on in the house sometimes).

This is after she and Dad were out of the house for two weeks, and she had ignored me completely for the two days they've been home. I have no idea what set her off.

After this she had the nerve to tell me that 'we need to get along for the good of the household.'

I fucked up.

I'll tell you in a week's time how badly.

If you need anyone to talk to, I'm around on facebook :<

(That goes for everyone else in here on whatever way you can get to me).

Kicked out

awesome

I guess it's a bit too late to ponder whether your mom's a psycho or not?

My stepmother is an absolute crazy person. I honestly don't know how she thinks the way she treats people is okay, much less how my Dad defended her today.

My actual Mum is absolutely lovely and I'm staying with her for the time being.

Oh jeez, yeah, okay. Should've double-checked for the "-step".
Well, it's good you're hanging out with another parent and not... I dunno, a friend.

I hope things go well soon.

Yeah, one of the perks of having divorced parents. My friends are really supportive though and no doubt i would have been able to find a couch to crash on had it come to that.

Bluh this sucks.

Drawing is making me feel really shitty, because I keep getting annoyed that I can't draw that well. Yeah, practice makes perfect, you have to suck before you get kinda good, on a logical level I get all that. But then my emotions are just like "wow this is terrible, you should just give up and stick to what you're good at you fuckwad."

I enjoy drawing, too; I've just reached a pretty frustrating juncture, i.e. "the part where you're good enough for the Dunning-Kruger effect to be all but gone, but nowhere near actually good." Being mediocre feels a lot worse than being awful because it feels like I should have fucking mastered the craft (even though I'm not a complete moron and understand that shit takes lots of time and practice). And the worst part is that I am getting better; it's just that better than something I already feel bad about doesn't feel like much.

tl;dr feelings are making self-improvement hard and gah.

three weeks into school and I feel like I'm sailing into an inescapable academic doom-spiral at the moment

like last semester I did really well but this semester the combined course-load and other things feels like it's too much to handle? I don't know if it's overconfidence or re-acclimating from being on break or three difficult science courses or what but I think when push comes to shove I don't honestly feel I'll be capable of getting my act together

also this is actually a really fucking important semester because three of my four classes are the latter halves of two-semester courses and if I mess up in those that means waiting a semester to get back into them (which keeps me from moving forward in those things which is not good); the other course is cellular biology which is integral to all of the upper-level biological sciences I'm interested in (genetics, biochemistry, molecular biology if I somehow make it to 400-level courses)

so yeah if I'm freaking out on IRC or snapping at people or doing my usual thing of abruptly quitting and returning inexplicably a half-hour later that's why

Me, I'm just sick with a headcold.

I'd take the day off from work if this weren't only my second week there.

I wrote a pretty vague-blogging kind of post but i decided not to post it, all i'm gonna say is i've had a lot of good things thrown to me and i haven't felt as happy as i should and that makes me feel guilty and stupid. Also my back hurts and suicidal urges are coming back.

Feeling uncharitable as fuck toward humanity at large right now

Myself a notable component of that set

for the THIRD MOTHERFUCKING QUARTER IN A ROW i can't enroll in the GODDAMN IMPROV CLASS because there is a motherfucking hold on my enrolling in courses WHAT THE FUCK i talked to my fucking advisors Several ADys In Advance to make sure there wouldn't be a hold this time AND THERE STILL IS and now the class is going to fill up before I can enroll in it, yet again.

Whelp. Sick.

At least they were nice enough to schedule this snowstorm so curling was cancelled and I didn't have to not go.

Whelp. Sick.

At least they were nice enough to schedule this snowstorm so curling was cancelled and I didn't have to not go.

Wait, curling was cancelled because it was too cold? Looks like somebody needs to learn the true spirit of curling.

I fucked up.

I'll tell you in a week's time how badly.

Two weeks later:

SpoilerShow

The situation. I'm doing a summer scholarship (ten weeks helping run an experiment, solid pay, similar gig to last year), and also a practical summer school paper that's a course requirement (the practical, field-work portion of my Conservation Ecology major). Due to a fun oversight from when I transferred universities, however, I've done all the papers necessary for my degree but haven't done enough papers. This means I signed up for whatever had no pre-requisites and let me graduate before Semester 1, which is Marketing 101. Add in Field Ecology and that's my two papers I need. Graduate in April, be fully eligible for the JET Programme (for which the interview was on the Thursday after the above post). Awesome.

Be hella disorganised, and discover we're heading off on the week-and-a-half ecology field trip the day after next. Fail to mention this to the summer scholarship supervisor. Flick them an email the morning before I leave with profuse apologising.

Field trip was fun. Scrambling to get the MKTG assignments I missed deadlines for because I was catching spiders is less fun. Getting an email from my supervisor saying how annoyed he is with me for up and leaving, plus how some disciplinary committee or another is on standby to measure up my case to continue the scholarship? Even less fun again.

Sprint around campus that afternoon trying to find the required plants and wasps to restart my insect culture, so I've got bugs to do experiments with. Stop by my supervisor's before he knocks off for the Friday, tell him I'll be working like a madbitch from Monday onward to get him some results.

Work Saturday and Sunday. Still no clue what I'm supposed to be handing in for Marketing on Monday. Still not sure how I'm going to fit two sets of lectures around the work I need to do to get the results I've promised. Promised my dad I'd help paint the house Wednesday (national holiday), JET interview Thursday morning.

Monday, Feb 5. Only hyperparasitoids have emerged in my cultures (parasitoids of the wasp I'm actually trying to culture). Can't actually do any experiments without the wasps. Not many aphids or wasps left out in the field after averse weather conditions. Forced to raid probably-experimental plants in the greenhouses for aphids; hopefully they weren't measuring biomass.
Marketing lecturer gave me plenty of leniency and time to hand stuff in. That was nice. Final exam for that is on the coming Monday. Less nice.

Tuesday. More of the same. Have a nervous breakdown over my inability to do stats for Field Ecology, unless I already did that Monday. Leave my wallet at uni but take my bus card and ATM card (and my keys, though I didn't know it).

Wednesday was a national holiday. Do a decent job being a competent daughter and amateur housepainter.

Thursday. Interview. Went all right. Practice presentation for Field Ecology. Also went all right. Still too many hypers. Not enough wasps.

Friday. Final presentation was fine. Resits for Marketing were fine. Still have been too petrified to actually go and talk to my supervisor face-to-face for most of the week. Work that evening.

Work was horrendous on Sunday, didn't study enough for Marketing. Missed my friend's 21st on Saturday because I was running on fumes for the past couple days and was exhausted. Still running on fumes right now.

Monday 11. Marketing exam. Kicked its arse after a quick perusal of lecture slides on the bus ride in, and being twenty minutes late. Still avoiding my supervisor. Wondering if he'd notice the difference if I used hypers in my experiment.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Slow descent into one of my misanthropic slumps. Run wasps through experiment. May or may not have disregarded whether I was using the right ones. Supervisor is happy enough that results are coming out that I don't care too hard. Boyfriend is too clingy, or I'm too asexual/sick of human contact. Not in a mood to resolve it; talking it over this morning consists of him trying to make me say anything while I fight my fight-or-flight response. Fuck Valentines Day. Notice myself becoming increasingly alert to ways I could get myself hurt; put the banalities of academia on hold. Too-small gaps in traffic. Dangerous-looking dudes I could heckle. Cops I could punch. Bridges I could burn. Emotional stabilities I could throw into the spotlight; make them question my suitability to teach overseas for a year. Stick to the footpath.

Friday. Starting/finishing up my Field Ecology report. 50%, equates to the course's final exam. Check the course outline; it was due Wednesday. Hand-ins more than 1 day late have half the final grade slashed off. Work in two hours. Negotiated a hand-in date of "sometime this weekend" without penalty. Relieved, but have another 21st to attend.

Fucking exhausted. Summer Scholarship presentation on Wednesday. Sufficient data to present at said presentation's existence questionable. Still several more weeks of not having enough wasps, to make up for losing several weeks to make sure I can graduate.

So fucking sick of all of this. Don't find out about Japan until April. No clue what my plans are if I don't get in. Even less clue how I'd amuse myself until August if I did.

If you want to come over for coffee and relaxing at any point I'm just down the road :S

It's actually a total coincidence and we weren't even in the same city when we met!

New Zealand is just a tiny, tiny place. Which means we're relatively close but super isolated from practically anyone else on the internet. :C

Come to usssssss

Apparently the adelaide accent isn't even that different from the NZ one, you'll fit right in

It's actually a total coincidence and we weren't even in the same city when we met!

New Zealand is just a tiny, tiny place. Which means we're relatively close but super isolated from practically anyone else on the internet. :C

I work most of the "coffee" hours of weekends, and I'm out at uni during the week but I'd definitely be down for coffee or a movie or somesuch :>

And yeah, New Zealand is freakishly small. We weren't in the same city when we first crossed paths because I'd left my hometown to go to university, but as it turns out my mate from high school was Plaid's classmate at her design school. I think we had a good laugh freaking him out at the hithero-unknown mutual acquaintance.

(Adelaide is line shaped, that's a 102km through traffic)

God, and I thought Boston was monstrously laid out.

I'm still pretty useless at organising my own time and I've left things long enough that getting sick on top of that really isn't ideal