The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

>Adler: Bonsai I am the descendant of gods and I have the divine right bestowed upon me by Fuma to rule and fix her mistake!

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>Adler: Assure him that while there are certain unscrupulous entities that would somewhat benefit from your success, they are no true allies of yours and they will get what's coming to them when you get your say.
>Brother Matthias: Inform Adler that MacBrock is completely uninjured. In fact, all the "dead" soldiers are fine. They're just being dramatic. All the shrub's weapons are Vulpitinian prank fake weapons.
>Shrub Knights: Join Adler on the realization that someone either tampered with your weapons or sent you out here to be killed.
>Thomson: "Accidentally" bump into Burnside causing her to fall over again.

>Shrub knights: Agree to stay behind and guard the gate in case Adler needs to make a hasty retreat.

Bonsai, send a message back to your HQ, asking for further explanation for some of your orders.

Ikebana, be envious at Bonsai for his promotion. Plot his downfall.

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Angustine, what about Photobucket isn't working? If it's the image links being broken .. well I seem to be having that problem myself. For some reason the "direct" link they gave me was wrong at first, but going back and getting it again caused it to form the correct syntax.

I am the descendant of gods and I have the divine right bestowed upon me by Fuma to rule and fix her mistake!
>Adler: Assure him that while there are certain unscrupulous entities that would somewhat benefit from your success, they are no true allies of yours and they will get what's coming to them when you get your say.

"I have been tasked by Lady Fuma Herself to correct the Mistake," I informed Bonsai. "Elves do not lie. The best way to do this will be from the Imperial throne."



"Between you and me," I whispered confidentially. "There are some Unseelie elements who think they will benefit from my ascension. I intend to let them help me as far as they will, and then when I am in power I'll put them in their place."

"Very clever, Highness," the tiny shrub admitted.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about over there?" Ms. Thomson called from the other side of the line of Shrub Knights.

"He's up to somethin," Burnside grunted suspiciously as she hopped up and down, trying to get a better look.

>Brother Matthias: Inform Adler that MacBrock is completely uninjured.

"HEY!" Brother Matthias yelled. "What's the idea sending this lummox to me for Penultimate Rites? He's not injured! He's not even sick!"

"ARRAGH," MacBrock rumbled as he prodded himself curiously. "I COULD HAE SWOORN I WAS AT DEETH'S DOOR. ME WOUNDS SEEM TA HAE MENDED THEMSELVES!"

In fact, all the "dead" soldiers are fine. They're just being dramatic. All the shrub's weapons are Vulpitinian prank fake weapons.
>Shrub Knights: Join Adler on the realization that someone either tampered with your weapons or sent you out here to be killed.
Bonsai, send a message back to your HQ, asking for further explanation for some of your orders.
Ikebana, be envious at Bonsai for his promotion. Plot his downfall.

"I'm okay, too," one of the supposedly dead soldiers exclaimed as he sat up and plucked a fake arrow from his back.

"I totes should have seen that coming," a fox groaned as he sat up. "This blood is liek, fake & stuff. Nonsense liek this is Y I left teh Republic N teh 1st place."

"How can this be?" Bonsai rustled in astonishment.

"It looks like your squad has been issued Vulpitanian prank weapons," I observed.

"This looks like the work of that perfidious craven, Ikebana," Bonsai quivered. "He has envied my humble promotion and works ever to chip my bark and humiliate me. I request time to query my superiors and receive clarification of my orders."

"How long will that take?" I asked.

"Not long. Only twenty days with a favorable wind."

"We can't wait around that long!" I wailed. "Let us pass, and you can remain here to guard the gate."

>Shrub knights: Agree to stay behind and guard the gate

"Our orders were only to guard it, not to prevent anyone passing through," Bonsai admitted. "It is acceptable."

>The Fox People and The Marshal's Crew: Stare with utter terror and disbelief that a army of utter buffoons has somehow survived the shrubbery

>The only thing left to do is press forward.

>Adler: "We've already had one potentially fatal surprise. Before we go through, we should take stock of our situation and progress very carefully. We don't know if another trap is on the other si-"
>Army: "CHARGE!!!"
>Adler: "Oh for the love of..."

>Just on the other side is the most impassable obstacle imaginable. An entire minefield's worth of banana peels. The bulk of the army is already sliding around and on the ground.
>Bonsai: "Oh by the way, watch out for the- Oh good, you found it."

>Thomson: Using some of the loose ropes as arm straps, carry Burnside around on your back like a backpack. Don't worry, the ropes coiled around her wildly flailing stabbing arm prevent her knife from touching you.

>Adler: Start planning. Because you're not gonna win just like that. And the plague o' Battle is both risky and kind of horific.

>Besides even if events have put you in this position, do you really want to kill your bro, even if he's technicaly a lowfolk now ? He's been pretty nice with you, even you knw didn't condemn you to death when it was a very likely possibility.

>Not to mntion you gotta think how to get rid or at least weaken the duchess O' daisy and the sisterhood if you dodn't wanna end up their puppet.

Gate, mysteriously do not lead to where it was supposed to lead.

Ixie, bring dire news.

Young Monocled Patriot, read us an excerpt from the Vulpitanian bestseller (and school textbook) "A Quick Guide to Vulpitanian Joke Weapons and How to Best Use Them".

>Adler: "We've already had one potentially fatal surprise. Before we go through, we should take stock of our situation and progress very carefully. We don't know if another trap is on the other si-"
>Adler: Start planning. Because you're not gonna win just like that. And the plague o' Battle is both risky and kind of horific.
>Besides even if events have put you in this position, do you really want to kill your bro, even if he's technicaly a lowfolk now ? He's been pretty nice with you, even you knw didn't condemn you to death when it was a very likely possibility.
>Not to mntion you gotta think how to get rid or at least weaken the duchess O' daisy and the sisterhood if you dodn't wanna end up their puppet.

"The shrubs have agreed to let us pass," I announced. "Now we near the crisis; I need a moment to make plans."



How was I going to do this? What might be awaiting us on the other side of the gate? Certainly Marshal Theronmyathus would have mustered his most capable forces to defend the Capital, and I couldn't count on them being equipped with Vulpitanian joke weapons. And what about Estmere? How could I get him to abdicate the throne and hand over his crown without killing him? Because killing my own brother was definitely out of the question. I also had no intention of using the horrible Unseelie weapon that the Duchess called "Plague of Battles."

Oh yes, and regarding the Duchess .. how could I put her off without incurring an unacceptable level of risk to my safety? For that matter, how was I going to subdue the Sisterhood and eliminate F.E.L.F. and put the Vulpitanians in their place? And what about the Scuti? Surely they were still lurking around somewhere, with a sinister agenda of their own.

"Hey," I said, turning to ask Brother Matthias a question.

Stare with utter terror and disbelief
>The only thing left to do is press forward.
>Army: "CHARGE!!!"
>Adler: "Oh for the love of..."
Gate, mysteriously do not lead to where it was supposed to lead.

"Where is everyone?" I asked as I nervously beheld the clearing around the Gate entirely empty except for the Shrub Knights.

"They have proceeded through to Albric Tor," Bonsai politely informed me. "Best of luck with your campaign."

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Spoiler
I can't promise that there will be an update next week, because His Serene Highness Adler II is currently hiding from the Kringle. I'll do my best, but delays may be inevitable. Happy holidays to you all, and thanks for reading this goofy adventure.

Adler, after arriving at the other side of the gate, discover that your entire army has been captured by Santanists...

Edit: ...Using delicious looking gingerbread-elves and candy canes as bait.

Run away in panic.

>Adler: After you step through the portal, you see a most disheartening sight... Your lazy, good-for-nothing army has stopped to eat again! For crying out loud, did they sign on for this campaign JUST to get free food?

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Happy New Year, everyone. May your 2018 be as good or better than 2017.


Sorry for the very short update, but it took me quite a while to actually find His Majesty Adler II, and when I did, pretty much all I could get out of him was a whispered "Is it over? Is he gone?"

When I told him Christmas was over, he muttered mysteriously that "the curse lasts for twelve days," whatever that is supposed to mean. At least he did give me this small snippet of the Ballad before retreating back into the shadows and resuming his mushroom act.

"Confound it!" I exclaimed. "I told them to wait for me!"

I rushed through the gate, dreading the sight of whatever peril my army may have bumbled into on the other side.

Adler, after arriving at the other side of the gate, discover that your entire army has been...Using delicious looking gingerbread
>Adler: After you step through the portal, you see a most disheartening sight... Your lazy, good-for-nothing army has stopped to eat again! For crying out loud, did they sign on for this campaign JUST to get free food?

"WHAT IN FUMA'S NAME ARE YOU LOT DOING?" I yelled when I saw them sitting around munching on sandwiches.

"EATIN," MacBrock replied around a mouthful of bread. "SURELY YE DOON'T EXPECT US TAE FIGHT ON AN EMPTY STOOMACH."

"You just had stew an hour ago!" I pointed out angrily.

"AYE, AND A LONG HOUR IT WAS, TOO. WE STROOVE AGAINST SHROOBS AN' MARCHED TAE TH' OOTSKIRTS O' ALBRIC TOR. TIS A LOT O' SOLDIERY TAE BE DOIN' ON SHOORT RATIONS."

"I told you to wait for me," I insisted.

"AN' SO WE ARE," the badger explained. "YON CAPITAL IS HEEVILY DEFENDED. TWOULD BE DOOBLE FOLLY TAE MARCH IN WI'OUT LOONCH AN' ORDERS."

>Your army needs large amount of victuals. Time to pull some favors, think who owes you big time?
>Realize that it's you instead who has always been depending on the kindness of strangers. Have a moment of introspection.
>Thinking about your personal failures sucks and is suitable only for lowfolk and peasants!
>Decide that your army will be supplied from larders of the Royal kitchen itself. Tricking them will be funny and make for a great story to tell. It's the elven way!

>MacBrock: Calmly put the Prince's mind at ease by explaining that the army, taking into consideration the "necessary" stops, will make its way and reach the city in as few as eight more meals.
>Adler: Be aghast to find out that the army measures distance and time in how many meals go by. Start a futile Argument.
Meanwhile-
>Thomson: While the prince is distracted, slink away to receive orders from the sisterhood. They don't want you to use mind control, but his mojo is dangerous and could be used against them. They want you to cripple his ability to use wiles... As well as remove his ability to perform above-standard venery.
>Thomson: Wait... No more venery?... This will not stand. Warn the prince at once!
>Burnside: Finally get untangled and latch onto the prince to celebrate. It's been more than an hour since the last, you need to make up for lost time, after all.

A poor unfortunate stranger (p.u.s.), come across the army.
Army, immediately go pillage the p.u.s, despite Adler's protest.
P.u.s., actually be more important than you appear.

Spy, secretly pass information to your superiors.

A Hippy Nude Deer, please finally appear.

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If you want to hear some DAMN GROOVY MUSIC from a "Skunxploitation" film about Adler, then go here:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/16148218 and prepare to have your eardrums titillated like never before!
FEAR NOT! IT'S FREE!! (Though you could pledge if you wanted to; there's loads of other art & music behind the paywall)

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Spoiler
If you want to hear some DAMN GROOVY MUSIC from a "Skunxploitation" film about Adler, then go here:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/16148218 and prepare to have your eardrums titillated like never before!
FEAR NOT! IT'S FREE!! (Though you could pledge if you wanted to; there's loads of other art & music behind the paywall)

Nice music. I'm a bit tempted to use it as a ringtone, though considering that I almost never even use my mobile phone (it's not even a "smart" one and I'm pretty sure it's been over a month since I even turned it on the last time), it really wouldn't make much of a difference...

Questions:
- The vocals are a bit hard to hear. Is it possible to view the lyrics somewhere?
- What's "Skunxploitation"? From the term I can't stop imagining feral skunks being unfairly exploited...
- What are the actual chances of ever seeing a movie about Adler? Or any kind of extensive piece of animation?

Oh, and if my latest get-rich-quick scheme actually starts paying off, I'll certainly pledge a $ or 2 if it means more things like this...

>Adler: You really need to concentrate and plan now. You are closing to your greatest challenge yet ! Everything will hinge on your ability to plot fast and execute, on your natural leadership, cunning and tact.... Mphr.ha..he..haha..bwahahahahaha. Sorry couldn't keep a straight face, just keep on going encouter whatever ridiculous random obstacles an will pop out of nowhere and trust in Fuma's luck, by some contrieved series of events you have only maginal control of to bungle your way to victory

>So anyway where did your army get all this bread when they didn't have anyting to do stew a few moments earlier ?

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- The vocals are a bit hard to hear. Is it possible to view the lyrics somewhere?

I've added the lyrics to the posting on Patreon.

- What's "Skunxploitation"? From the term I can't stop imagining feral skunks being unfairly exploited...

I guess you've never heard of 1970s "Blaxploitation" movies. Why it was called that, I don't know, but that's the term for a genre of African-American wish-fulfillment & revenge-fantasy movies featuring macho black heroes and funky soundtrack music. Look up Shaft and Dolemite for iconic examples.

- What are the actual chances of ever seeing a movie about Adler? Or any kind of extensive piece of animation?

Slim to none. I don't have the equipment to do animation, and it takes too much time. It's too labor intensive .. animation leaves fans waiting a LONG time before you have anything you can show them. I need to be cranking out content steadily to earn my meagre pittance.

Oh, and if my latest get-rich-quick scheme actually starts paying off, I'll certainly pledge a $ or 2 if it means more things like this...

Music is in the $3 tier, and if the pledges keep coming in, it will definitely mean more things like this. If the money doesn't come, then it will mean very few, or NO more things like this. I'm putting a lot of time into Patreon right now, taking a huge chance on the hope that maybe I can make a living doing things I like to do and am good at .. but if the value the community places on my work doesn't add up to a survival wage soon, I'm going to have to give up and get a real job - which means less time for all of this. If that happens I'll try to keep the Ballad updating once a week, but everything else is just gonna have to slide.

>MacBrock: Calmly put the Prince's mind at ease by explaining that the army, taking into consideration the "necessary" stops, will make its way and reach the city in as few as eight more meals.
>Adler: Be aghast to find out that the army measures distance and time in how many meals go by.

"DINNAE WORRY YER WEE HAID," the badger rumbled. "WE'LL MAKE THE TOP O' YONDER HILL BY TEATIME. SUPPER AN' EVENIN' SNACK WILL SEE US TAE THE SCRYIN' TOWERS. BY MY RECKONIN' WE'LL ARRIVE AT THE CITY WALLS WELL WI'IN EIGHT MEALS."

"Eight MEALS?" I asked, aghast.

"AYE, AN' NECESSARY STOPS," he explained. "TWA DAYS WI' AMPLE PROVISIONS. FOUR DAYS WI'OOT. TIME TAE FORAGE, Y'KEN."

"But we're right outside the Capital precinct!" I protested. "You already said you had seen the defenders!"

"AYE, AN' THA'S WHY I SAID OONLY EIGHT, DUE TAE PROXIMITY. THOUGH, MIND, IF THERE BE ANY MELEE THEN I CANNA HOLD TAE THESE CALCULATIONS."

>Your army needs large amount of victuals. Time to pull some favors, think who owes you big time?
>Realize that it's you instead who has always been depending on the kindness of strangers.
>Decide that your army will be supplied from larders of the Royal kitchen itself. Tricking them will be funny and make for a great story to tell. It's the elven way!
>Thomson: receive orders from the sisterhood. They don't want you to use mind control, but his mojo is dangerous and could be used against them. They want you to cripple his ability to use wiles... As well as remove his ability to perform above-standard venery.
>Burnside: Finally get untangled and latch onto the prince
>Adler: You really need to concentrate and plan now. You are closing to your greatest challenge yet ! Everything will hinge on your ability to plot fast and execute, on your natural leadership, cunning and tact...., just keep on going encouter whatever ridiculous random obstacles an will pop out of nowhere and trust in Fuma's luck, by some contrieved series of events you have only maginal control of to bungle your way to victory

This was a perplexing development! Where was I going to secure enough food to feed this gang of greedy-guts EIGHT meals? It had been ordeal enough just putting together a single stew! I mentally ran through a list of elves who might owe me large favors, and quickly realized that it was usually I who coasted along on others' generosity. BLAST! Then again, perhaps it would be better to plunge blindly forward and trust to Fuma's luck. Things did seem to have worked out so far - although the experience had not been what I could call entirely pleasant.

"Anythang I can help you with?" Burnside giggled as she wrapped her arms around me. "I got myself all untangled and I'm ready to serve."

"I need to figure out a way to feed this army," I muttered.

"Anythang in yer britches I can help you with?" Burnside clarified, with a throaty chuckle.

"That's not really useful right now," I fretted.

>So anyway where did your army get all this bread when they didn't have anyting to do stew a few moments earlier ?

"Sez you," Burnside scoffed. "I say it'd be plenty useful. Might help you relax, clear your head, because what in tarnation you worryin' about? Looks to me like they got plenty of vittles."

She had a point. An hour ago, this rabble had barely enough to scrape together a stew, and now here they were munching on what looked like very fine rye.

"Where did you get the bread for these sandwiches?" I asked.



"YON BONNY BAKER'S MAID, YON," MacBrock mumbled, jerking his thumb towards a suspiciously familiar-looking salesfloozy standing with a bread tray in front of a vendor's booth beside the road.

>Thomson: Wait... No more venery?... This will not stand. Warn the prince at once!

Before I could react to this revelation, Ms. Thomson urgently grabbed my shoulder.

"Dire news, Your Highness!" she gasped. "The Sisterhood is now officially ruing Mavis and Sheila na Gig's decision to teach you Wiles. They are invested in your success but consider your autonomy a liability."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "I'm pretty sure I already knew it, based on your previous behavior."

"Yeah, go on, Hooves," Burnside sneered. "Quit buggin' my liege lord."

"I'm sorry, Sire," Thomson sighed. "I acted thus because my orders coincided with my personal desires .. but now they are calling for .. your emasculation."

"Do wha??" I asked, seeking further clarification.

"They have decided it would be safest to remove your ability to perform Wiles, and with it, the possibility of performing exceptional venery. They think thus to make you tractable as well as to protect their agents from possibly falling under your influence. BUT .. this is an affront to Fuma as well as a deplorable loss to all femmekind."

"I won't stand for it neither," Burnside chimed in. "You and me is right together on this'un, sis."

A poor unfortunate stranger (p.u.s.), come across the army.
P.u.s., actually be more important than you appear.
Spy, secretly pass information to your superiors.
A Hippy Nude Deer, please finally appear.

Our conversation was interrupted by one of my soldiers, tugging a naked deer by the arm.

"We found this fellow wandering around among the troops, bumming bites of sandwiches," the soldier announced.

"Why bring him to me?" I asked with perplexity. "And where are his clothes?"

"He didn't have any that I know of, sir."

"Clothes are just a tool of the Establishment, man," the deer wheezed in between puffs from a strangely-shaped pipeweed stick he carried in one hoof. "So, is this like, your camp? How many guys you got here? Must be a lot, man. Must be a lotta sandwiches, man. How many sandwiches? When do the patrols run and how many, man? You gotta have like, lots of patrols, man. Are you guys like, marching soon? When are you gonna advance, man? You gotta advance sometime, man, and it's gotta be like, soon.."

> ... Soo the sisterhood is planning to remove your ability to do Venery and one of their agent just offered 'free sandwiches'. ...Oh dear your troops might have a bad bad surprise when they return to their wives and mistresses and floozies.

>Seeing as they want you to suceed, probably not. (if there's one sandwich "especialy for you" tho... )

> Also you can totaly do Wiles without the ability to do venery, technicaly (what even Eneuchs can seduce. even if they can"t do much with ot afterwards)

> Someone should maybe remind them that if you are ever to take the throne s that a 'true' elf govern the empire, depriving you of the ability to concieve an heir is not exactly a smart move.

>What is this burning thing this fellow is holding in his hooves ?

>And If you were to find out that this fellow current ..eratic state is due to some kind of... oh say, relaxing plant that can induce such state either eaten or inhaled as smoke... well well, one might think you found a much less violent but jsut as debilitating alternative to the Plague of battle to use on the loyalist troops...

>Maybe a bit of planning can do wonder with luck after all. If lucky you should be might as well not be 'dumb' luck. Cackle ominiously.

>Stoned Buck: Inform Adler that you received a vision from Fuma, man. At first you, like, thought it was just a bad trip, but then, like, she got all mystical and you were all, "Far out!", dude. Anyway, you're supposed to tell the prince about those secret tunnels that lead into the city that even he didn't know about, chickabiddy.
>Adler: *cough* While that's good news, where did he get that horrible thing he's smoking?
>Stoned Buck: You, like, got it from that bread lady, hodad. She said something about it being left over from making bread.
>Army: Start feeling a little funkier, and a whole lot groovier...
>Thomson: Go beat up your rival at the bread stand. She may be better at law and floozing, but she can't throw a punch and has a jaw made of glass.

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SpoilerMeanwhile, A quick and singular glimpse into the city:
>Soldier to Superior Officer: "Sir, the rebel army is almost upon us! They are but a mere eight meals away!"
>Superior Officer, between mouthfuls of food: "Curses, and it's going to take us NINE to prepare!"

Burnside, bum the fag and take a drag. Then start acting strangely and blabbing on about various random subjects.

Adler, start noticing strange symptoms on every soldier who ate the bread. Soldiers, do not appear to notice, even though the rate of crotch scratching has gone up by a fair amount.

P.U.S., continue asking Adler a bunch of questions while repeatedly offering him the weedstick.

Adler, turn the tables on the P.U.S. by starting to ask him questions.
Both P.U.S. and Burnside, be compelled to answer, though maybe not in the most useful way. Learn quite a bit about both of them that way.
Also ask him that one question: "How high is a roebuck?" Answer, be surprising.

What kind of a deer is he, exactly? Certainly not a roebuck, with a tail like that...
Unless it's really a miniature Scuti...

P.S. Adler, remember a Wise Professor Skunk scroll from your youth, the one about being offered strange herbs.

>ADLER: You can't trust any kind of floozy anymore, apprehend the baker and interrogate her, as well as her bakery

Cogito ergot sum.