Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

But... What happens when you use your fists to fight someone...?

salamander dan just wants to be a peaceful man. that's the problem with skyrim these days, everyone is obsessed with death

Update 2

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Confirmed!

The following rules will be used in this playthrough, and may be updated further with additional suggestions:

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General rules:

1. Salamander Dan may only fast travel from bar to bar, and must purchase and drink any alcoholic beverage before doing so. Becoming drunk at any other location is meaningless.
   
2. Salamander Dan must consume every potato he finds. Each one grants a permanent +1% speed bonus. Forever.
   
3. Salamander Dan is obligated to protect any Argonian he finds on the road, until they reach their destination.
   
4. Salamander Dan must collect the first piece of junk he sees, and travel with it always. It’s his best friend, and must be referred to as such.
   
5. Salamander Dan is compelled to steal buckets and silverware.
   
6. Salamander Dan must always wear a hat. Helmets don’t count.
   
7. Salamander Dan may not use a weapon for more than one quest. At the completion of a quest, any weapons used therein must be stored away, forever. If Salamander Dan does not have a house, they get thrown on the floor upon mission completion. No selling them.
   
8. Salamander Dan is a peaceful man. He may not kill any intelligent beings. If a quest requires that someone die, Salamander Dan must get creative.
   
9. WEPON - Salamander Dan may only use weapons he finds sitting around. No buying or crafting weapons.
   

Vampire rules:

1. Salamander Dan must only feed on elf blood.
   
2. Salamander Dan may not enter a residence unless invited.
   
3. Salamander Dan may not cross running water, except at a proper bridge.

In addition, Salamander Dan has the following AMBITIONS:

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Long-term Ambitions:

• Vampires are lactose intolerant. Argonians are also lactose intolerant. The singularity of cheese intolerance within Salamander Dan compels him to steal all of the cheese in the world, so that no one may ever enjoy it again.
  
• Salamander Dan must one day become a VAMPIRE WEREWOLF WARLOCK (you may suggest conditions under which Salamander Dan may become a werewolf).
  
• Salamander Dan must turn everyone into a lizard, to further his lactose-fueled revenge. He must devise some way of doing this (you may suggest conditions under which Salamander Dan may turn people into lizards).

Short-term Ambitions:

• Salamander Dan must escape his enthrallment.
  

More rules and ambitions may be suggested at any time - especially short-term ambitions (things like “own a house” or “get married” or “cover the Jarl of Whiterun with sweet rolls”).

Now, then, back to business. Salamander Dan comes to, realizing he’s been daydreaming for some time now. He’s going to have to check with his master immediately.



His master is this asshole, Terriblix the Great. A powerful warlock, and even worse, an elf. Salamander Dan should be feeding on him, not doing his bidding! But, of course, Salamander Dan can’t just say that to his face.

Terriblix doesn’t seem to have much for Dan to do right now, so he decides to do some tidying up.



Unfortunately, it looks like this bookshelf was already tidied up by someone. The fiend! Oh well, they left this mysterious glowy book here, at least. One of Salamander Dan’s very few skills is reading.



Salamander Dan learns something! This is no doubt the first step toward becoming a powerful warlock. You’ll see, Terriblix. You’ll all see! All one of you.



While making his rounds, Salamander Dan notices something… Potatoes. Terriblix’s potatoes. But… but he just can’t resist. Not potatoes. He can’t even look away. One-by-one, he shoves all eight of the potatoes into his mouth. Raw. He feels the slightest surge of speed afterward. Fortunately, Terriblix is so preoccupied by his alchemy that he doesn’t even notice Dan’s shenanigans.



It gets worse. Salamander Dan discovers, practically at his master’s feet… His other true passion. Buckets. He’s always liked the look of this bucket, and today… he just can’t resist its pull. He takes it, spilling the mead inside all over the place. Terriblix still doesn’t notice. Today, this bucket is more than just a bucket…



It’s a friend.



Having exhausted any and all activities inside of this cave, Salamander Dan decides to go outside, just to make sure everything is in order. He regrets this decision immediately, as it turns out it’s daytime outside. His vampiric flesh sears in the sunlight, though fortunately he had the foresight to wear a hood. Imagine if he was fully exposed to the sun! He’d probably burn and die. A vampire is nothing without a hat of some kind, after all.

He also discovers a potion lying on the ground outside. Weird. Potions aren’t supposed to be there.

Several seconds later, he hears coughing from above. Oh, no.



Oh, yes. It’s Terriblix’s annoying apprentice, Xloria Xrysanthemum. God, what a terrible name. It makes “Terriblix” look reasonable. Salamander Dan hates her and her stupid name with a passion.



Look, she’s even got another potion by her, dangerously close to the edge. God, Xloria, you’re terrible. Dan can’t even figure out how to pronounce her name, tripping over it several times as he tries to ask for that potion back. Xloria says something stupid and annoying that Dan doesn’t listen to, which makes it really hard to actually respond to it. After about ten minutes of mutually one-sided arguing, Dan steps around behind her and takes the potion with him. He’s never going to hear the end of this one.



There, back where they belong. The shelf is whole again. And not a moment too soon - Terriblix calls Dan over and gives him a task - he is to go to the nearby town of Shor’s Stone, and “retrieve” whatever alchemical ingredients he can manage for Terriblix’s latest project. Yes, that’s retrieve in quote marks. Salamander Dan has to perform a series of thefts, in broad daylight, as a vampire, while being unable to enter anyone’s home without invitation. Terriblix is the worst.



For those curious, here’s where we are in the world. Shor’s Stone is just a bit to the east, around those two roads north of Riften. Riften being the city in the southeast, of course. Just a short trek, thankfully. Salamander Dan just hopes he doesn’t get mauled by a bear along the way.

Along the way, he does encounter an obstacle in the form of water. But fortunately, it’s not running water, so he can just wade right on through. Take that, vampire rules!



Dan reaches Shor’s Stone without incident by late afternoon. A quaint little village, made up of just a few assorted houses and shops. And, of course, people. Too many people, who might react poorly to the sight of such a suspicious character as Salamander Dan.



Salamander Dan opts to sneak around through the shadows. There aren’t very many shadows yet at this time of day. He makes it about ten feet into town before this lady sees him. Of course, this lady doesn’t think anything of an Argonian with fangs creeping around in the shadows like this. The people of Shor’s Stone are awfully trusting.

Dan dispenses with the lurking around. He instead hits up the local inn, a reminder of the days when he could just drink the night away and wake up in another province of Tamriel entirely. Ah, the good old days.



Fortunately, the innkeeper invites him right in. He could probably have just gone in anyway, since it’s not really a residence, but hey, good to be sure.

Wait, what’s that?



No. NO.



DAIRY.

Salamander Dan steals a bunch of cheese and potatoes and skedaddles. Unfortunately, the inn contains no alchemical ingredients or anything. He moves on, stealing some more cheese and silverware from around town.



Salamander Dan also has an uncomfortable staredown with the owner of a shop. Yes, he’s allowed in here, but… Well, he can’t help but be suspicious.

Dan steals all of his cheese and potatoes and runs.



Town was a bust, sadly. Salamander Dan, determined to actually accomplish his goals, moves on! He finds this watchtower on the outskirts of town. There’s an unusual lack of activity around it, even by Skyrim NPC standards.



In Salamander Dan’s expert medical opinion, this person is no longer alive. In fact, everyone in and around the tower is a corpse. Dan decides to blame Terriblix for this. Seems like something that jerk would do.



There’s also this note inside. Dan doesn’t really care who the Stormcloaks are, but it looks like they’re dead now. Never gonna have to worry about Stormcloaks in the future, no-sir-ee.

He throws the note away. No reason to keep this junk.

Dan immediately steals two buckets. Score! He also steals, like, ten more potatoes, boosting his speed even more. I quickly begin to realize that this potato rule might have been a terrible idea. Potatoes are freakin’ everywhere in Skyrim.



And more importantly, Dan finds this! Four piles of salt, useful for… something alchemical. It didn’t say in the book. Surely Terriblix will be pleased with this. Dan packs it up, tries and fails to pick the lock on a chest with his bare hands, and skedaddles back to the cave as the sun sets. Xloria shouts something rude at him as he passes, but he ignores it. He just hopes that Terriblix isn’t mad about all the stuff he stole or the mess he made or any number of other things. That would be bad. But surely he won’t care that much, right?



OH GOD HE CARES THAT MUCH. RUN, SALAMANDER DAN!



On the way out, Salamander Dan is accosted by this angry Khajiit that definitely wasn’t there a minute ago. Must be a corpse Xloria reanimated. It really wants to fight.



And it disintegrates to dust at the slightest touch. Definitely Xloria’s work.



Xloria, jerk that she is, hides up in the rocks and yells at Dan a whole bunch. They stare each other down for an uncomfortably long time, but it turns out Xloria doesn’t know any spells with a range above “a few feet”. Dan is completely safe here. But, then again… Terriblix can’t be far behind.



Salamander Dan runs for his life, off into the unknown. Terriblix will be looking for him, of course, and he’s still bound to this region by the warlock’s fell magic. Salamander Dan is going to have to break out of his enthrallment, one way or another, before Terriblix can finish him off. But how? What’s he going to do next? How should he approach this with his pacifistic nature intact?

That, my friends, is up to you.

Commit a petty crime and frame your "master" with it.

>Keep on running for a few days in a straight line just to be sure

you're trying to escape magic, and the opposite of magic is science, so you need to gather as much science as you can to break the spell!

It doesn't count as murder/violence if you eat the remains afterwards, right?

Update 3

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Commit a petty crime and frame your "master" with it.

Well okay that's a pretty good idea for dealing with Terriblix. We're gonna have to find a way to break this spell first, though.

>Keep on running for a few days in a straight line just to be sure

Salamander Dan would love to do just that!



Unfortunately, he can’t! He’s bound to an area centered on Terriblix’s cave, falling just short of the two nearest cities. Of course, the cities would be the best places to look for someone who knows anything about magic. We’re on our own here!

It doesn't count as murder/violence if you eat the remains afterwards, right?

NO IT COUNTS TWICE THEN.

you're trying to escape magic, and the opposite of magic is science, so you need to gather as much science as you can to break the spell!

Now there’s a great idea! You never see any warlocks doing science, do you? I mean sure there’s Terriblix’s stupid junior chemistry set, but that really doesn’t count. Salamander Dan strides off with purpose, determined to find the greatest sciences in (this small part of ) all of Skyrim! That’s right, nowhere to go but-



THAT IS A WOLF. OH GOD THAT IS A WOLF. Salamander Dan sprints away, doing his best not to scream loudly. Screaming loudly would just attract more wolves, and possibly Terriblix himself. This is a sneaking mission!



Salamander Dan handily gets away, running right into… slightly less dangerous wildlife? We discover a new location, at least, though there doesn’t seem to be much here. Certainly no science hiding in that pond there. Before we can even get a moment’s rest, though, there’s the sound of violence just across the tarn.

Deciding to investigate, Salamander Dan sneakily sneaks near, only to find… a pair of hunters inexplicably yelling in pain and shooting arrows at random wildlife. Lots of arrows. Their aim is really bad. They don’t even bother to take their kills with them, sending a stream of animal corpses rolling down the side of the hill. Seriously, the exact moment all the animals are dead, the hunters put their bows up and walk away. Salamander Dan resolves to never, ever get involved with these guys.



Salamander Dan finds a nice rock overtop a very sheer cliff, and recreates his favorite scene from the Lion King with Best Friend.

He quickly puts Best Friend back away and just enjoys the view, not wanting to drop it off a cliff.



Salamander Dan continues on a road down the mountainside, eventually finding a cave with an ominous name and more ominous decor. Really, he shouldn’t go in here at all, but curiosity gets the better of him. What if someone’s eating cheese inside? Or what if there’s science there? He can’t pass up on that.



Here’s how far we’ve come, by the way. We can’t really proceed much further in this direction, so this cave was a lucky find.



In this cave… A dead moose, and some skeevers. Dan, afraid of fighting some giant rats, decides to sneak around instead of confront them. He’s not about to start a fight with some wildlife anyway. The cave doesn’t look too promising though - what kind of scientist would have a moose corpse in their front room?

As he gets closer, the rats start staring at him. Nervously, Salamander Dan draws his iron dagger. He doesn’t remember how he got it, but it’s his only wepon. Going to have to do.



Also, this pops up. Someone is looking for Salamander Dan, apparently. How Dan knows this, or what he’s going to do about it, no one really knows. Maybe we can just ignore it and go on with our lives. Not like we can get to Whiterun now, anyway.



Naturally, Dan is awful at sneaking. The skeevers come right at him, and he has a vicious knife fight with them. They almost win, but fortunately, they run away once injured. Not before painting half the ramp red with their own blood. And Dan’s. Dan’s stupid robe is ruined.

Triumphant, Dan goes deeper into the cave, looking the antlers from the moose. They’ll make some great alchemical components, probably. It said so in that book he read. He continues down the narrow tunnel the skeevers ran into, still curious as to the secrets this cave holds.



THE SECRET IS WITCHES. No doubt an associate of Terriblix (though not one important enough to have a name), she comes running at Salamander Dan and tries to kill him with lightning. OF COURSE SHE DOES. Dan runs for his life, barely making it out of the cave alive. He continues running down the road, back where he came from, only to run into another pack of wolves that immediately try to kill him! Dan runs screaming back up to the Tarn. He also throws away his dagger, since technically we completed the mission of “not getting killed by a witch”. Maybe that doesn’t count. Dan dropped it anyway.

He decides to take a shortcut and descends the hill to the north, coming to a more major road in the process. There are two ways to go from here: left and right.



To the left… lots of running water.

...Let’s go right!



Right looks promising! There’s a big fort right there, at the bottom of the cliff. All Dan has to do now is find a way down, and then he can go inside and ask if anyone knows about science. After all, why would a perfectly good fort be hostile to an innocent, blood-covered traveller like Dan?

In fairness, most of the travellers in Skyrim are probably covered in their own blood. I’ve been playing for like fifteen minutes at this point and I’ve already gotten in about four different fights.



And number five soon shows himself! This elf pops out of absolutely nowhere (seriously, he’s invisible when he threatens me) and demands Dan’s valuables. Dan asks if it looks like he has valuables. The thief, possibly not actually able to see through Skyrim’s especially muddy graphics, decides that yes, Dan is carrying an entire treasury under those bloody robes. Dan runs away yet again.

Hiding behind a rock, Dan notices… yet another wolf sneaking up on him. He hightails it out of there, back where the thief came from. He sneaks around through the trees this time, even managing to level up his sneaking skills. Dan will have a usable character build in no time!



Strangely, the bandit seems to have forgotten about us. The eye thing clearly indicates he can see Salamander Dan, but he doesn’t seem to really give a shit. He’s just standing there. In plain sight. Maybe his invisibility wore off and he didn’t realize.

Dan quickly moves on!

...Why is everyone who wants to kill Dan an elf?



We’ve made it to the other side of the fort, at least. It’s still… way down there, though. Better be worth it.



To the other side… still no way down. This is a really inconvenient cliff, it has to be said. Dan moves on down the road, almost immediately running facefirst into yet another pack of wolves on the road. We might need to move up the timetable on that “becoming a werewolf” thing, maybe they’ll leave us alone then. (No they won’t.)

Giving up on the road entirely, Salamander Dan descends the side of the cliff, jumping precariously from rock to rock. Fortunately, Skyrim barely has a physics engine, so it’s not that difficult a task. Soon enough, Dan finds himself in an ash-covered land near what might be hot springs. They look hot enough to boil someone’s flesh right off their bones, to be honest. Dan resolves not to go for a swim if he can avoid it.

Can you guess what Salamander Dan runs into next?



If you guessed “more fucking wolves”, you’re right! Seriously, I don’t remember the game having nearly this many wolves, but I guess Salamander Dan can’t walk twenty feet without being jumped by a pack of wolves.

These wolves don’t seem interested in him, though. They’re more concerned with something hidden away by the darkness and steam.

(For those curious, I had to adjust the brightness and saturation for every single image in this post to make them not look like mud.)



It’s a giant. You know, the guys that send you to space if they so much as breathe on you. It also looks like the hot springs are hot enough to kill a mammoth, so Dan feels very justified in steering clear. This scene would probably be poignant if it wasn’t so stupid. The giant just looks… kind of disappointed.

Dan moves on. He levels Sneak again by going around the giant and friends. Looks like he’ll be leveling up pretty soon! Entirely by avoiding conflict and being afraid.



Finally, we reach our long-awaited goal: Mistwatch, apparently. Like every other building not in a city in Skyrim, it looks like it’s been in disrepair for centuries. Hopefully the inhabitants are friendly, though, and we can ask them about science. On the way in, someone out of sight draws a weapon, but immediately puts it away again. Probably why it says “detected” there - no doubt just a friendly lookout or something.



A drawbridge! That’s technology, which, as we know, is made of science! We’ve definitely come to the right place here.



Hahahaha no just kidding. The place is just full of bandits. Every fort in Skyrim is full of bandits. They don’t seem to actually do much besides stand around and fight everyone in sight. Fortunately, Salamander Dan’s sneaking training is coming in handy - the lookout doesn’t notice him at all.

Dan considers picking her pocket, but he’s so bad at picking pockets that she would definitely notice, and that’d be yet another person trying to kill poor Salamander Dan. He decides not to.



I will note that, though the rules state that Salamander Dan may not kill an intelligent being, there’s no rule against peacefully knocking them out. Maybe if he knocks out everyone in this camp, he can take whatever science they’ve stolen? He’s gonna do it! Salamander Dan is gonna do something bold! No more will he run. Today, the world will learn to fear and respect Salamander Dan!

Salamander Dan swings and misses completely, alerting every bandit in the entire camp to his presence.



Salamander Dan heroically leaps from the wall and runs for his life, his escape lit by a dramatic bolt of lightning. The bandit lookout starts shooting.

Yeah, somehow I took a screenshot during the fraction of a second where the whole world was lit by lightning.



YEAH UH THIS IS BAD

Dan runs and runs and runs, and then hides and hides and hides. He increases his sneak level yet again as the bandits eventually lose sight of him. That could have been bad. Salamander Dan won’t be trying that again. What was he even thinking?



On the way back, Salamander Dan notices this strange little island out in the hot springs. A ruin of some kind? Maybe there’s something he can use there. There’s gotta be something interesting, right? There’s no bandits or wolves, so it’s gotta be safe. Dan jumps to the island and creeps up to the top of the ruin, looking for hidden treasure. And, well… a skeleton pops out.



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AAAAAAAAAhuh?

This guy appears out of nowhere and shoves a clearly-stolen magical shield into Salamander Dan’s pockets somehow. Salamander Dan doesn’t even know how to use a shield. Arrows rain down from Skeleton Island during our conversation, but the skeletons don’t really know how to aim. It looks like the Fugitive is supposed to run away then, but instead of doing that he notices the skeletons and hides behind a nearby rock, not responding to anything anymore.

Finally, one of the skeletons hits its mark.



SALAMANDER DAN IS UNHAPPY WITH THIS DEVELOPMENT.



The sun comes up, ensuring that Salamander Dan’s head wound won’t heal properly. Our fugitive friend poses like last month’s internet memes as a mysterious figure approaches from the distance. Oh god, is that…



It is. It’s one of the hunters. He comes running from the distance, and without a moment’s hesitation, engages in a duel with the skeletons of Skeleton Island. His aim is as bad as theirs, so this goes on for a really long time.

To Salamander Dan’s horror, he suddenly switches target and guns down the unarmed, fleeing fugitive without remorse. And then immediately goes back to fighting skeletons. Dan creeps over to the fugitive’s corpse and, seeing as he’s already dead, loots a wooden club from his body. Score! Dan finally has a wepon. He also takes some nice fur boots from the man, putting them on and immediately tearing them to shreds on his stupid dinosaur feet. Great job, Salamander Dan.



“Did you see someone run past just now?” the hunter asks, looking directly at the corpse of the man who ran past just now.

“Yeah, he went that way,” replies Salamander Dan, pointing at the body.

“Great! Thanks! Bastard stole from me. I’ll catch him though!” the Hunter yells pridefully, before immediately putting his bow away and standing still in the boiling springwater, staring blankly. Salamander Dan nods his head and slowly backs away.

He keeps the shield, too. This guy doesn't deserve it.



Here’s another map of Salamander Dan’s journey. We’re actually pretty close to looping around to Shor’s Stone again, though Dan thinks better of it. Terriblix lives so close to the town that there’s no doubt he’ll be searching there.

Dan makes another pass by the mammoth pond. The giant is still there, in the exact same pose, six hours later. Salamander Dan is somewhat impressed by his determination. The wolves seem to have moved on though, no doubt to bother Salamander Dan along the way. Maybe it’s just been the same pack of wolves every time. Maybe they’re following him.

Ahead on the road, Dan hears a cry for help! He runs forward to investigate.



But it’s too late. The wolves already got him. Damn those wolves! Is no one safe from their reign of terror?

Salamander Dan isn’t. The wolf immediately gives chase. Even worse, even though it’s cloudy the game decides that Salamander Dan is still in the sun, and he doesn’t regenerate stamina! He quickly becomes unable to run as he flees into the mountains, the wolf keeping pace and shredding his ankles.

Dan chugs a potion, but he only has one. This is the end for him, unless he can think of something, fast! And think of something, he does. Dan pulls out wepon.



CLONK! Dan smacks the wolf upside the head, beating it senseless and sending it packing. Dan levels up his one-handed skill in the process. He’s almost to level 2! You’re finally getting somewhere in the world, Salamander Dan.

Oh yeah, if you’re wondering about the snowberries, I’ve been grabbing up all the alchemy ingredients along the way as well. Dan read a book on alchemy once, so he’ll need all that stuff! Probably. Or maybe he can just eat it. He certainly can’t eat all the wheels of cheese he’s carrying around.

Salamander Dan turns back to the road, but finds that it’s guarded by about four more wolves. It’s a shame, too, because there’s some kind of cool ruin-mound thing just across the way. Maybe later. For now, he limps up the mountain, seeking shelter from the sun.



Well, he finds something. Old stone archways, and a staircase leading higher. There has to be something good this way. Probably shelter! You don’t build a road up a mountain and then not put anything at the top.



And there is something, not that far up! It’s just a little watchtower of some kind, with some nice carvings and guardrails. Nothing of interest, but hey, it’s pretty. Dan climbs down and carries on.



Aha! There’s a small stone building just off the path, complete with a fancy metal head and everything! It even looks a little familiar, somehow.

The building is labeled “Dwarven Storeroom”, something Salamander Dan is somehow able to read. Dwarven? Hey, didn’t the dwarves invent science? This is perfect! Salamander Dan can plunder this storeroom, grab all the science, and use it to break the spell and escape Terriblix once and for all! Hurriedly, he runs inside and slams the door shut behind him.



Going down a small ramp, Salamander Dan finds himself in a small room. On one wall are a pair of shelves, covered with all sorts of scrap metal and levers and such. Dan gathers them all up, but they don’t seem to be especially scientific. If anything, they’re just really heavy. He also finds three lockpicks, which are just kind of… sitting out for some reason.

In the center of the room is something called an “Aurum Reactor”, which Salamander Dan has absolutely no idea how to operate. Pulling the lever accomplishes nothing. Maybe he’ll figure it out later.



With no other options, Salamander Dan attempts to pick the lock to this mysterious gate.

He breaks all three of his lockpicks almost instantly. Goddammit, Salamander Dan. He also discovers a door on another, non-pictured wall of the room, but without lockpicks he has no way to actually enter.



And… here we are. A tiny storeroom at the side of a mysterious road, full of further mysteries. What should we do now? Continue along the road looking for further mysteries? Turn back and try to find some lockpicks? Third thing? The choice is yours.

This is amazing, I love this so much!

>Break down the door with your fists

>MORE SCIENCE from this SCIENCE MINE

this expert-level lock will be picked!

Update 4

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This is amazing, I love this so much!

>Break down the door with your fists

Salamander Dan’s arms are weak and noodly! Try as he might, he can’t bash the door down. He hurts his fists in the process.

>MORE SCIENCE from this SCIENCE MINE

this expert-level lock will be picked!

Yes! We have to find a way past this infernal gate, and plunder the sciences within! But… There’s nothing else in here to help us with that, so we’ll have to keep searching.



On the way out, Salamander Dan notices something he missed before - a gyroscope of some sort! That’s certainly close to science. Salamander Dan shoves it in his surprisingly spacious pockets and moves on.

Salamander Dan gets back on the road and-



Oh. The actual ruin is right there. Like. A few hundred feet away. Somehow, I didn’t even notice this last time. There’s even steam pouring out of some pipes, somehow, even though this place has been abandoned for thousands of years. That’s gotta take some pretty extreme science, right?



“Mzulft”, apparently. That is really hard to pronounce.



As is customary, Salamander Dan finds the recently-slain corpse of a random adventurer near the door. There’s nothing useful on it. Maybe the wolves got to him? Yeah, that must be it.



Inside the front door, there’s even some spinning gears amongst all the pipes! This is great! Maybe even better than the science room out front. For some reason there’s another door immediately inside, but-



OH GODDAMMIT. We can’t even pick this lock. Bethesda probably wants us to come here for some dumb quest way down the line. Maybe we’ll just have to find our own way in here ahead of time. Dan can find a way.



Here’s our progress so far, by the way. Dan’s come quite a long way now - hopefully well ahead of Terriblix and his cronies, who are undoubtedly looking for him.

With nothing else to do here, Salamander Dan heads back down the road, looking for a place to pilfer some lockpicks. He’ll get this stupid door open eventually. He successfully sneaks past the wolves and continues along the road, only to see… a farmer, walking around alone and without fear. Doesn’t he know there’s wolves out here?



The farmer notices Salamander Dan creeping up on him and immediately tells us his life story. Once again, we have no reason to care. Dan rifles through his pockets, but finds nothing worth taking there. Poor guy’s just gonna get eaten by wolves soon anyway.



Well, now we’ve got a new quest objective. Join the army and become a tool of imperialism. No thanks.

The farmer continues walking down the road without a care in the world, despite there clearly being a wolf up ahead, growling at him. Dan watches from a distance, unable to do a thing about the oncoming slaughter.



...The wolf runs in terror the moment the farmer gets near.

…

Who is this man? What does he want? Let’s never find out.



As Salamander Dan walks very quickly the other way, he’s suddenly struck with an insatiable hunger. He hasn’t fed in days now. We need to find an elf to feed on, and soon.



Salamander Dan acquires a new power - “Vampire’s Seduction”. Oh dear. Almost takes your mind off your blood literally boiling, doesn’t it, Dan?



Salamander Dan sneaks past yet another wolf, coming to a small pond up in the mountains. For some unfathomable reason, this tiny pond has a little dock on it, along with a boat. And this boat is guarded by… a lone wolf? Maybe that’s his boat. Maybe we’re trespassing.



You…

You keep on doing your thing, buddy.



Around the side of the pond is “Stony Creek Cave”. There’s no goat heads on pikes here - in fact, there’s just some sacks of flour and apples and stuff. Maybe it’ll be nice and safe in here? Dan decides to check it out, and look for lockpicks.



What did I just say about corpses? This can only mean this is another Adventure Location, full of bandits or necromancers or giant spiders or something. Goddammit. Can’t we just meet some nice cave people? Just once?

Salamander Dan creeps along, checking the corpse and a few of the boxes. No lockpicks, no potatoes, not even cheese or silverware. Completely useless. We continue along the stream above the waterfall.



There’s some people there, patrolling way up ahead. Looks like bandits, probably. They’re all dressed in wholly inadequate fur armor. Either bandits or… hunters. Dan hopes it’s just bandits.



Salamander Dan nearly walks right in front of this guy here, just kind of… chilling out on a platform. Having his lunch or something. Dan would rather not interrupt him, but he definitely looks like a bandit. He stays here a good long while, plotting his next move. Suddenly, he sees something.



The guards are coming back. Run, Salamander Dan, run!



Salamander Dan runs!



Salamander Dan dramatically dives out of the cave, right out into the searingly bright sunlight. Yep, looks like the storms finally ended, and I don’t have to adjust every single image to be visible now. It would actually be beautiful if Dan’s blood wasn’t busy boiling.

Dan swims across the pond, immediately noticing someone else. He immediately begins sneaking in broad daylight, somehow successfully staying hidden.



Dan considers going closer, but this man’s mustache… It’s too powerful.

Maybe he does see us, and he’s just pretending not to. What do you even say to this Darth Sidious-looking lizardman pretending he’s invisible because he’s standing next to a tree branch? “Just keep walking”, that’s what.



Dan’s sneaking pays off! Finally, he’s gained a level! This is a momentous occasion in Dan’s life. He’s finally good at something, maybe? Or at least, less bad at something.



Now then, what should we invest in? We get to increase one attribute by 10 points, and pick one perk. What attribute should we increase? Which skill are we going to focus on with our one perk point? The choice… is yours.

SKILLS

SpoilerShow

Magic:
Alteration
Conjuration
Destruction
Enchanting
Illusion
Restoration

Combat:
Archery
Block
Heavy Armor
One-handed
Smithing
Two-handed

Stealth:
Alchemy
Light Armor
Lockpicking
Pickpocket
Sneak
Speech

>put as many as you can into alchemy, as it is science

I'm seconding alchemy. Let's buff our way to SCIENCE

And let's increase Health

Sneak lyfe 4 lyfe

Become sneaky. So sneaky. It's your only defense against a terrible terrible world.

Send in BEST FRIEND to create a distraction.

E: Woops! I was an update behind.

Alchemy isn't science! It's clearly magic. Why else would our Warlock overlord practice it so much?

Sneak 4 ever!

Update 5

SpoilerShow

Sneaking it is! Salamander Dan is going to be the sneakiest man. A lot of the sneak skill tree revolves around sneaky ways to kill people, but since we’re not killing anyone we only have to invest in the skills that make us harder to detect.

Salamander Dan’s health also increased slightly. Hooray.



So, it turns out that guy was wandering around because… there’s an Imperial camp like right here. Somehow I failed to notice that last time. Dan decides to sneak around and see if they have any cheese or lockpicks or what have you.

He does find a bucket pretty much straight away. It’s a start.



These heavily-injured soldiers immediately try to enlist Salamander Dan in the army. Why is everyone trying to enlist Salamander Dan?! Do they really want this sneaking, potato-devouring coward on their side in this war?

Dan sneaks away without a word, not wanting to get involved. He creeps around in broad daylight, in full sight of everyone, and begins stealing all the plates people left on the ground. Ha! Now they’ll all have to eat their cheese off the ground. He also loots a chest they just left sitting out, acquiring some kind of magic scroll and 33 gold! Money! Dan finally has gold to pay off highwaymen with!



He finally creeps his way into the biggest tent, finding a map of various forts and cities throughout Skyrim! Salamander Dan memorizes all of these locations, and then steals all of the flags and runs off. Legate Hrollard there keeps telling him to keep an eye out, every few seconds. He doesn’t seem to notice that Dan ruined his game of Risk.

Dan finishes clearing out the camp, finding no cheese and barely any food except a few carrots. Maybe these guys just don’t eat. The quartermaster stops Dan and tries to sell him some weapons he can’t afford and doesn’t want from the stockpile they need for the war. Dan scuttles away as quickly as possible.



…

The bandit camp is right there. 100 feet away from an army camp. And they haven’t done a damn thing about it. Dan decides to sneak back in again, maybe see if he can get further this time.

Wait.

Dan realizes something as he walks inside.



THIS IS RUNNING WATER IN HERE. DAN STOOD ON TOP OF RUNNING WATER.

Technically he didn’t cross it though. Maybe it’s okay. He hurriedly runs back out, not wanting to think about it. He runs up a hill nearby, seeing smoke from a fire. Maybe someone up there can help him out with his lockpick problem?



That explains the wolves. They’ve got them trapped in cages, surrounded by mysterious meat. The guy across the way is named “Bouncer” and keeps yelling threats at Dan. Looks like they’re doing something INHUMANE with these wolves here! Dan feels like he shouldn’t care, since the wolves have never done anything for him, but at the same time… They’re up to something shady here. They’re probably secretly bandits or something. Dan has to… well, not stop them, because that sounds scary, But maybe sneak in and take their shit?
.
.First thing first. Deal with the bouncer. Dan’s sure knocking this guy out will work.



The perfect cover. The Bouncer instantly loses track of Dan when he steps into this slight shade. Walking closer probably wouldn’t work out, though, so I take a really circuitous route around the mountain to get behind him.



Here you go, Dan. Don’t screw this up this time.



IT WORKED. Dan knocks the guy out then reflexively sprints away. It works fine, though, so Dan comes back and checks his pockets. Nothing useful inside - 3 gold and, like, a wooden club or something. At least he’s out cold for now.

Dan realizes this isn’t the most peaceful thing, but it’s not like this will have any lasting repercussions for this guy. He’ll be fine. Dan checks out the wolf cages, but the locks are way too tough. Expert-level, and much less rewarding than the science door. Dan moves on, going inside the cave.



Another guard, in a place that makes it impossible to get behind. He’s mumbling to himself, something like, “...retire some day… get myself an island…”. His name is also “Bandit”. Guess that’s that mystery solved. Salamander Dan kind of doubts that any bandit in this place will be able to buy a thing, really. They’re kind of bad at banditry.

This guy does pose a problem, though. We can’t fight him, we can’t sneak past him, and we can’t get behind to knock him out. That… doesn’t leave many options.



NEVERMIND, WE HAVE AN OPTION. A fancy new power, courtesy of vampirism. Dan immediately sways his hips seductively, sensually stuffing a potato down his throat. This stuns the man, possibly out of sheer horror. Dan could just knock him out at this point, but instead he decides… to feed. He’s an elf after all.

I’d have a screenshot here for that, but Skyrim covers the screen in a bright red filter when you feed on anyone, making everything impossible to see.

Unfortunately, if you’ll notice the descriptive text above, the power lasts for only 30 seconds. By the time Dan has fed and reduced his vampirism, Bandit snaps out of it and comes running after Dan. Dan flees deeper into the cave, finding a full wolf pit-fighting operations running down there. Several bandits and a few miscellaneous patrons, plus a couple wolves, immediately forget what they’re doing and come after him. Even the unarmed bartender runs at him. What is wrong with people in Skyrim?





Dan makes a run for it, and leaps over the bar, ducking behind and hiding. Somehow, it works. Everyone loses sight immediately, running back and forth on the opposite end of the cave. Dan, meanwhile, finds a book beneath the bar, and decides to read it while hiding.



The book is really boring, but Dan does learn something from it. Something really relevant, too! It doesn’t, however, mention where to get lockpicks. You’re probably meant to kill bandit and loot lockpicks from their corpses or something.



At this point, everyone has forgotten about Dan, going back to business like nothing happened at all. This poses a problem when the bar patrons return. Dan hides in the shadows, but everyone is immediately alerted a second time.



This guy is probably the bandits’ leader. I didn’t bother to check. There’s no way he’s not going to find us hiding here, so Dan makes a run for the exit! Screw looking for lockpicks, it’s not worth it.



Dan levels up again on his way out, chased by a bunch of angry bandits. They don’t follow him out, though. Dan checks the bouncer’s pulse on the way out. He’s fine, he’ll be fine. He doesn’t worry about the wolves for now, not wanting to be ripped apart today. Dan runs off, getting back on the road and continuing on, when he’s immediately jumped by a trio of hired thugs! They start saying something to Dan, but are interrupted by a sudden wolf attack. They cut down the wolves immediately.



Salamander Dan, say it with me… runs away. The thugs keep yelling racist threats at him, though he’s not really sure if they’re talking about Argonians or vampires. Terriblix must have sent these guys to hunt him down, and they did a damn good job of it! Though they aren’t very good at running. Dan gets away pretty fast, but… runs right into Shor’s Stone again. Damn. Maybe they keep lockpicks here.



All these guys are having a boring conversation about the mine near town that we somehow missed the first time. Dan doesn’t really feel like going to a mine, though. I feel like the game wants us to care about this mine thing, but… let’s be honest, I really couldn’t care less. It’s not Dan’s problem.



Dan has more important things on his mind.

Dan moves on from there, knocking on doors throughout town (to no avail). That pretty much leaves two buildings he’s allowed to enter - Shor’s Sundries and the inn. Shor’s Sundries is, sadly, closed for the night, though the door is still open. Nothing good inside. Dan heads back to the inn, seeing what Dilbor has for sale. Nothing good. No potatoes or cheese, even.



However Shor himself is here! Dan helps himself to his shop key. Somehow he gets away with it.

Continuing on, Dan loots both of the rooms in the inn. In one, she finds 51 gold, a potion of healing, and a potion of stamina! Nice. In the other, though, he finds…



Clothes. Finally, Dan has something to replace his horribly dirty, blood-stained robes. Now he just looks like… a farmer or something. Much less conspicuous, until he gets mauled by wolves again.

Dan heads back to Shor’s Sundries, this time looking for some lockpicks to steal or, really, anything else. He doesn’t find anything, but he does find a new hat. A fancier hat.



A stupider hat.

Dan, pretty certain that Terriblix isn’t around and wouldn’t think to look right here, decides to sleep for the night and see what people are selling in the morning. The night passes without incident, and he checks the shops. Shor isn’t selling a damn thing worth buying, as is to be expected.

The blacksmith, Filnjar, however…



Has a lockpick!

...One lockpick. We can’t afford to screw this up. Dan buys it and runs off toward Mzulft! Destiny awaits!



Destiny is stalled by the usual suspects.

Salamander Dan eventually gets away, fleeing into the mountains behind him. He stumbles across some ruins there, and decides to take a look.



Dan sees something unmistakable. Something terrible.

WARLOCKS.

Needless to say, he books it before she notices him. He instantly gets attacked by a group of giant spiders, but for once doesn’t get mauled by more wolves. Finally, he arrives back at the Dwarven Storehouse, single lockpick in hand.



Science awaits, Dan. You can even see something glowing back behind that gate, just barely. Something scientific. Come on, Dan. This is your moment to shine. You read the book. You’ve practiced for almost thirty seconds. You can do this Dan.





Dan pulls it off. For the first time in his adventure, Dan actually succeeds at something!



It’s… it’s beautiful. Perfect. Shiny. Scientific.



Dan shoves the unidentified crystal thing in his pockets. He has no idea what it might be, but it sure looks like something that could neutralize the spell of a powerful warlock, if only he can figure out how.



Oh look, another quest. Fortunately, the quest marker is just up the way, at Mzulft. Maybe that’ll tell us what this stupid thing actually does?



Of all things, the quest marker leads right back to this guy. We already looted this guy, but there must be something we missed. Dan rifles through this now-putrid corpse’s pockets for a second time.



Catcorpse has this book in his pockets. Aetherium? That sure sounds like science.



Looks like the crystal is indeed something called Aetherium, which is magical but “alchemically inert”. Magical? Dammit! That doesn’t count as science, does it? Reading the book gives us a quest marker halfway across the world, far outside of the area we can actually enter. That’s definitely a dead end.

The book goes on to explain something called the “Aetherium Forge”, which was an attempt to forge stuff out of the stuff. That sounds more scientific, maybe?

Is this find good enough? Or do we need to find a way to break into Mzulft? And if so, how should we do it?

Also, what skill should we put our next perk into? I already upgraded stamina for level 3, since I accidentally clicked the level up button early.

>any SCIENCE is good SCIENCE, this is a good find

Even though the Shard is specifically referred to as magical, it's not really magic unless you do magic with it, right? Though, at the same time, it's not particularly science-y by itself. This Forge thing sounds like it does science to affect magical things, though, which seems to me exactly the sort of thing you set out to find. Definitely worth investigating Arkngthamz, if you can get there.

Even though the Shard is specifically referred to as magical, it's not really magic unless you do magic with it, right? Though, at the same time, it's not particularly science-y by itself. This Forge thing sounds like it does science to affect magical things, though, which seems to me exactly the sort of thing you set out to find. Definitely worth investigating Arkngthamz, if you can get there.

A good idea, except...

SpoilerShow

It's a long way to Arkngthamz. Pretty much the opposite end of the map, and much further than Dan is able to travel away from Terriblix.

The army has science, what with catapults and the like. Maybe Dan can get the army to fight the warlocks?

We need to put the point into ALCHEMY, the most science of skills
Maybe we can make some health potions + sneakiness potions, no?

To break into Mzulift, we must alchemize a key out of cheese. 50 cheese shall be the price for entrance!

Oh also for ease of thread-loading/reading the latest update can you stick the meat of the updates in a spoiler? I keep loading the thread to look at the latest post and then have to scroll down for 3 minutes as all the images load and push the page downwards.

Oh also for ease of thread-loading/reading the latest update can you stick the meat of the updates in a spoiler? I keep loading the thread to look at the latest post and then have to scroll down for 3 minutes as all the images load and push the page downwards.

Oh wow this is so much nicer! Thank you.