Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

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SpoilerAnomaly: okay i'll leave things up to suggestion
Anomaly: playing as an argonian is non-negotiable though
Whimbrel: with big ole horns
Whimbrel: and your name is Salamander Dan
Anomaly: brilliant
Anomaly: y'know what
Anomaly: that's the first suggestion i'm taking
Whimbrel: yessss
Anomaly: Salamander Dan is canon now
Anomaly: i'm gonna do it

Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam

I hear these “Let Us Play” things are all the rage these days, so naturally, I’m going to do one of my own! And of course, there’s nothing as “hip” and “with-it” as 5-year-old games everyone has already played. So, here’s Bethesda Softworks’s cult classic, “The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim”!

Of course, it’d be really boring to just “play Skyrim”. But, I felt like playing it again, so to make it an “interesting” and “fun” experience, I’m gonna be leaving the details up to you guys! All the details. Our goals, our decisions, our arbitrary restrictions, whether or not we’ll completely ignore the plot and become a door-to-door potion salesman… All up to suggestions.

So let’s do this shit.



Before our story begins, of course, we have to create a character! I’ve always thought it was kind of strange how Skyrim only offers you one race option, considering how there are at least four or five out in the world. Then again, I guess they just realized that no one would ever want to play anything but an Argonian, and just removed all the others to simplify things. Makes the menu here kind of extraneous, but I can’t argue with the design decision.





Anyway, here’s our hero, a salamander man wearing a sack of potatoes. Where did he get it? What happened to the potatoes? These, my friend, are questions we may never know the answers to. Now all he needs is a name.



Perfect. And totally unexpected if you didn’t read the title of the thread, or the title headline in this post, or the spoiler at the top. Let’s begin.



A little opening cinematic plays, zooming in on our poor unfortunate hero. What have you gotten yourself into, Salamander Dan?



As an homage to the previous games in the series, Skyrim begins with your character locked in a (surprisingly spacious) prison cell. Why are you there, Salamander Dan? What crimes did you commit? These are questions the game never answers, or indeed, even mentions, so we may sadly never know. Of course, rather unlike previous games, this prison cell may or may not be relevant at all. In a bold move by Bethesda, Skyrim actually lets you decide what your own starting scenario is, then dumps you right in. In the end, it’s your story.



Talking to this magical statue of Mara, the Goddess of Time, gives us a whole lot of options to start our adventure. So tell me, where will Salamander Dan’s journey begin?

OPTIONS:

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Spoiler

• I arrived on board a ship.
  • Solitude
    
  • Dawnstar
    
  • Windhelm
    
  • Raven Rock
    
  • Surprise me.
    
• I own property in one of the holds.
  • Proudspire Manor [Solitude]
    
  • Vlindrel Hall [Markarth]
    
  • Honeyside [Riften]
    
  • Breezehome [Whiterun]
    
  • Shoal’s Rest Farm [Near Rorikstead]
    
  • Heljarchen Hall [The Pale]
    
  • Lakeview Manor [Falkreath]
    
  • Windstad Manor [Hjaalmarch]
    
  • Surprise me.
    
• I’m a new member of a guild.
  • The Companions
    
  • College of Winterhold
    
  • Dark Brotherhood
    
  • Thieves Guild
    
  • The Dawnguard
    
  • Lord Harkon’s Court
    
  • Surprise me.
    
• I’m a patron at a local inn.
  • Windpeak Inn [Dawnstar]
    
  • Four Shields Tavern [Dragon Bridge]
    
  • Dead Man’s Drink [Falkreath]
    
  • Vilemyr Inn [Ivarstead]
    
  • Braidwood Inn [Kynesgrove]
    
  • Silver-Blood Inn [Markarth]
    
  • Moorside Inn [Morthal]
    
  • Nightgate Inn
    
  • Old Hroldan Inn
    
  • Bee & Barb [Riften]
    
  • Sleeping Giant Inn [Riverwood]
    
  • Frostfruit Inn [Rorikstead]
    
  • Winking Skeever [Solitude]
    
  • Bannered Mare [Whiterun]
    
  • Candlehearth Hall [Winterhold]
    
  • The Retching Netch [Raven Rock]
    
  • Surprise me.
    
• I’m a soldier in the army.
  • Imperial Legion
    
  • (Author’s note: This is the only option here. Kind of weird that it has a sub-menu, huh?)
    
• I got caught crossing the border illegally. [Vanilla Start]
  
• I want to escape this cell.
  
• I’m an outlaw in the wilds.
  
• I am a Vigilant of Stendarr.
  
• I am camping in the woods.
  
• I was shipwrecked off the coast!
  
• I am a vampire in a secluded lair.
  
• I am a necromancer in a secret location.
  
• I am a warlock’s thrall.
  
• I was attacked and left for dead.
  
• I am an Argonian dock worker in Windhelm.
  
• Surprise me.
  

i own property in the pale i am reptilian why did i do this it is too cold here

Vampire arrested for tax evasion.

Your life's goal is to acquire all the potatoes and put them in a big pile to swim around in like Scrooge mcduck

ALL THE SURPRISE POSSIBLE

Bar Patron: Surprise. Because you're not just ANY Bar Patron. You have the amazing ability to walk into a bar, drink for a while, fall asleep and wake up outside... A DIFFERENT BAR. ' <'

Warlock's thrall please, probably near Raven's Rock because I like the name of The Retching Netch.

You joined the Companions, and are now a lizard werewolf

... Can we be a WARLOCK WEREWOLF?

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Spoiler

Warlock's thrall please, probably near Raven's Rock because I like the name of The Retching Netch.

Unfortunately, warlock's thrall doesn't let you choose starting location as well. Of course, we can make it our goal to reach the promised land of the Retching Netch later.

... Can we be a WARLOCK WEREWOLF?

Not immediately, but we can certainly become a werewolf while starting out as a warlock. Or the other way around.

NECROMANCER! SECRET LOCATION!

I know nothing about Stendarr so let's be his Vigilant, whatever the heck that means

I did some research on Stendarr and learned that that choice is probably less exciting than it sounded, so I change my vote.

NECROMANCER, THRALL, and JAIL all get a +1 from me

Vampire arrested for tax evasion.

Warlock's thrall please, probably near Raven's Rock because I like the name of The Retching Netch.

As it is written, it will be.





Oh, Salamander Dan. You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.

Salamander Dan proceeds to the bed in the corner of his cell, at which point reality reasserts itself. As I said before, this cell may never have existed in the first place, and Salamander Dan may never have been here. Stop me if this gets too complicated.



Our hero awakens! No longer dressed in a stolen potato sack, there’s no doubt that Salamander Dan’s lot in life has improved since that possibly-imaginary prison cell.



Hahaha no just kidding. Ol’ Dan has somehow managed to get himself enthralled by a no-doubt powerful warlock, in a dingy cave in the middle of gods-know-where. At least it’s warm. Let me tell you, living in Skyrim is a terrible idea when you’re a lizard, or possibly an amphibian.



Oh, also, Salamander Dan is a vampire. A Salamander Dan-pire, if you will. This has nothing to do with the warlock, actually. He’s been a vampire ever since a rather embarrassing incident back at his home in the Pale. Back when he had a home in the Pale. He was arrested for tax evasion shortly thereafter, and, well, one thing led to another and here he is.

But he’s not ready just yet. We gotta make this interesting. Therefore, there are two things we have to figure out:

What are the RULES for this run? That is, what guidelines do I have to follow, what arbitrary restrictions are placed upon my actions, etc. etc.

What are Salamander Dan’s GOALS in life? Does he want to be a sneaky thief and steal all the potatoes in Skyrim to fill his lost potato sack? Does he want to become some kind of werewolf warlock? The choice is yours.

For example:

Bar Patron: Surprise. Because you're not just ANY Bar Patron. You have the amazing ability to walk into a bar, drink for a while, fall asleep and wake up outside... A DIFFERENT BAR. ' <'

With this as a rule, Salamander Dan might be able to FAST TRAVEL, but only from bar to bar rather than from anywhere to anywhere else.

I shall resubmit that as a rule then: Fast Travel is only between bars, and to make it worse, you must be able to purchase at least one alcoholic beverage. It's been a while so I forget the rules for things like getting drunk. Do you get drunk in skyrim? Do you get drunk if you're a vampire? If so, getting drunk is required. ' <'

Can we become a vampire werewolf thrall? I wanna also upgrade that back to Vampire Werewolf Warlock. You must become the master.

Steel all the cheese wheels in the world. Dan, as a profane undead, cannot enjoy the niceties of dairy and so everyone else must suffer like him.

1) You seek potatos.
2) For every potato you consume, you grow just ever so slightly faster.
3) Whenever you see a fellow Argonian on the road, you travel with them and protect them from harm until they reach a city.
4) Only drink elf blood
5) WEPON

Also turn everyone into a freaking lizard, then can they see how you lived without LACTOSE-FILLED PRODUCTS.

find a useless hunk of junk and never let go of it. it's your best friend.

start stealing buckets and silverware, only to realize that most general goods stores don't accept stolen goods

ProfessorLizzard: make sure his hat doesn't fall off
Captain of the Gravy Train: you should make that a rule for this run
Captain of the Gravy Train: salamander dan must always wear a hat

SO WAS IT WRITTEN SO SHALL IT BE

I shall resubmit that as a rule then: Fast Travel is only between bars, and to make it worse, you must be able to purchase at least one alcoholic beverage. It's been a while so I forget the rules for things like getting drunk. Do you get drunk in skyrim? Do you get drunk if you're a vampire? If so, getting drunk is required. ' <'

Can we become a vampire werewolf thrall? I wanna also upgrade that back to Vampire Werewolf Warlock. You must become the master.

Getting drunk is kind of a thing? It's just a status effect you get from all alcohol in any amount.

And yes, we can become both a vampire and a werewolf, though we'll have to get werewolfed in a non-traditional (completely made up) way.

Also turn everyone into a freaking lizard, then can they see how you lived without LACTOSE-FILLED PRODUCTS.

Turning people into lizards is (sort of) possible. Anyone feel free to suggest how we go about this. Alternatively I'll just make something up.

Hold on, Hold on, Pharmacy. I thought we couldn't eat cheese cause we were a vampire, not cause we leezard. WHICH IS THE TRUTH?

well presumably lizards definitely couldn't have dairy products because they aren't even mammals, dunno about vampires.

Vampire rules include not entering people's houses without some kind of invitation from the owner, and not crossing running water unless it's at a proper bridge.

Fun rules include not using the same weapon for more than one mission. Used that sword last mission? It goes on the junk heap. That bow you shot a dragon with? It's done, get a new one. Out of weapons from following this rule? I guess you're down to fists, buddy.