The 2am thread

yknow i just had an interesting thought: i probably identify more eith a52 now than my actual name; ive spent so much time online. i bet i would proabbly respond faster if somebody called me my actual name just cause a52 is a fucking mouthful so nkbdy says it oiut loud

fuck typung, again

its 1 am and im on 1% battery

well 12:59

good night

I don't think I've ever felt properly good at a 2am since making this thread

Other than having Not Really Bothered To Eat in the last ~14 hours I'm doing alright though I think? I'm apparently fessing up to various folks at this ungodly hour, of all hours, that I haven't got my shit together. Which is like two parts accountability and six parts not, trying to freak out about messing up and not being punctual about things?

Also I've got a psych appointment tomorrow and I'm not even certain what time, and am just kind of winging it and/or leaving my whole evening open to see when it's going to end up being

Love how I have an apparent upper limit to "number of social circles I can handle" and how I drop the ball on this kind of thing super-quick

spoilers I don't love it, it sucks ass and it'd honestly be ok if I weren't stressing about how people must resent me for de-prioritising them?

I want to be properly caught up with and invested in all the cool things that are happening in this community right now, and I think I want to do that? It's not my self-righteous standard-setting that it's what I should be doing as a good person/member of the community?

So it's like I want to do it, want to actually engage with cool stories people are telling, but I spend all my time doing inosciable stuff like browsing the net at large instead

tl;dr I'm a mess, but in contrast to me at other times I'm a pretty low-key mess right now so that's ok I guess

I am desperately craving calm

sleep is the easiest out but I feel like that's merely deferring the problem to eight-hours-from-now me

it doesn't quell the anxiety of Shit Not Gotten Done

I want a solution, a state change, eight easy-to-understand discrete steps in some kind of surefire lifestyle regimen so I don't have to worry about this over like a goddamn philosopher

I can't settle for a comprehensive understanding of the issue, I don't want there to be an issue so pondersome

I don't want to waste 40% of the energy of the rest of my life stumbling around trying to figure what works

I'm more than aware discrete solutions to issues like mine don't exist

so maybe all I'm asking for is my brain to stop lingering on the possibility and to acknowledge it's gotta knuckle down if I ever want to quit feeling dread+anxiety+numb all the fuckin time

I've been failing to put my general feeling of shittiness into words for about five minutes, so instead:

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhh

im a completely horrible person in every way but espescially when it involve food i hate thinking about food i hate thinking about other peoples food i hate deciding where to go i hate thinking about it i hate paying for it i hate keeping it and scheduling it i hate it hate i t i hate it and i hate that my fucking sister cant take no for a fucking answer that the fact that i dont want to shar e snack foods that i bought with my money makes me a terrible horrible monster and that justifies her threateaning to STEAL THE FOOD FROM ME instead of just accepting no as an answer because thats PREFERABLE APPARENTLY fuck OFF i m
so
tired im so ired im so so
so
tired

"why dont you just share" BECAUSE I BOUGHT IT AND WE'RE BOTH ADULTS AND SHE CAN DO ANY INFINITE NUMBER OF THINGS THATS NOT THREATEAN TO STEAL IT AND NOT ACCEPT THAT I SAID NO WHEN I LITERALLY CONSTANTLY TAKE HER OUT TO EAT AND PAY FOR IT EVERY TIME

i just want something thats mine something that belongs to me that i know is there and i know i can have without it being a huge issue but instead everythingin my life is not my own or is shit and i should just fucking die already L M A O

i hate so any people and i will never forgive or forget

i can never sleep anymore because im so fragile

im so sick all the time in somany ways

do you think anyone whos ever hurt me actually regrets it

i doubt it

my face feels like it's melting but i sure do have a lot of work for finals to do!!!!

I've actually been staying up relatively late quite often recently, but I've only just now done so while also remembering this thread.

Its 2:30 and boy should I be tired!

oh fuck. whoops

Oh shit, I'm falling into the Space Consortium trap again...

...eh. I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning. It'll be fine.

(also I am having slightly too much fun to retire just yet, dammit)

My sleep schedule has become pretty bizarre tbh

no regrets though