Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerI arrived at this little compound community a couple of days before your reply, nearly a full month after my departure from the hive. Ore left to deliver another batch of caffeine pretty much immediately, which was a bit jarring. Does she just not get a day off ever? I'm a bit concerned about it, if I'm honest. She told me she likes the job, so maybe I'm just worrying over nothing. Still, I couldn't possibly imagine spending most of my life just travelling through the same trail over and over again, all alone.

I'm pretty sure I'm only seeing part of the story. I still don't know why Ore didn't return to the gas station that day and Berry had to go pick her up. And Ore's route, while it seems like a big hassle, I think it could be designed better at least. I know real life is different from stories, but it still feels disappointing to leave so many questions unresolved like that. Like I could have gotten a better picture of things if I'd just done things differently.

It was really difficult to talk to Ore along the journey, and I'm realizing how short my conversations with her in the past were compared to other bugs. Spending so much time with her over the past few weeks has made me notice how bad she is at talking. Like, she'll have something interesting to say about something once, but after that there's just nothing but "yeah that's nice" and "uh-huh" whenever I try to bring it up again. It's interesting how you can learn something about someone just by spending a lot of time with them.

I love the idea of trees and fungi being living mountains. Gives an interesting new take on the finger plants and the dark god. And the Ancient One, for that matter. Uh, that's what I called the tree my old hive owns, it's really big and cool-looking. A year ago I probably would have told you that anyone who sleeps near the Ancient One has a chance of being shown a vision of the future in their dreams. I like to imagine that it was at least partly responsible for the dark god's defeat.

A while back, I became a moderator on an online message board, and it has been such a demoralizing experience. I kinda get that feeling of being an imposter at the workplace. Like, I'm constantly making mistakes everyone else is having to make up for, yet my position remains untarnished. It feels unearned. But it's important to recognize that those are just feelings. Usually the mistakes aren't nearly as bad as you think they are, and you rarely make the same mistake twice as long as you make sure to learn from them. I hope you get a handle on things on your end! I can only assure you that what you have now certainly is a job even if you're still in training. Because it's specifically a job that you're training for and (I assume) you're being paid for it.

The possibility of a meetup in meatspace (that's such a strange word) sounds exciting, but I'm not sure how possible that would be. Looking at a map, there's a whole ocean in between us. The distance I covered with Ore over the course of a month seems so insignificant compared to that. Sounds like an adventure, though, I'll see what I can do!

Right, um, this "compound community" as I called it at the start of this letter, it's essentially a big generator that produces fuel for transport vehicles, and a bunch of bugs built a little town around it. There's tons of work being done so everyone is busy all the time. I've been basically left to explore the place freely, provided I don't touch any important equipment. There are all sorts of bugs here. Beetles, ants, roaches, moths, crickets, and bees of all kinds.

While the raw ingredients still have to be shipped over, this is also the where all the caffeine is mixed! And then distributed among the multitude of different isolated communities just like where I came from. Most of them are going in a general northward direction, but there's at least a few eastward caffeine deliveries. Hope I'm explaining this right... This is like almost at the bottom of what was once called Norway, and my old hive is north by about half of the country's length.

To: Mímir, Concerned

I imagine there's a lot to be gained from spending time on the road. It's not a stationary kind of solitude, so maybe it's better than just being cooped up the whole time. But... maybe people just prefer different kinds of things? If I were her, I'd be really happy to have somebody on the road with me, like you were.

Maybe people get more complex the more you know about them. Tieni, I thought she would be exactly like this other person who I was reminded of, but... they're completely different people. And, you know, it just strikes me like crazy every time, like, how couldn't I have seen that? They're obviously different people, with everything different. And the things I liked about one person aren't there on the other person, so I feel frustrated, and it's not even anyone's fault.

I guess for somebody as nice to you as Ore was, maybe it seemed like it would just click, and she'd be more talkative, but people can't suddenly be things besides what they are. It sucks.

The mythology around your hive's tree really is fun, even if it's magical thinking. I hope you keep that style in whatever you write about home.

...And, yeah, you're right about the imposter feeling. I have it now, because when I screw up, it's really easy to notice and know why. But there's also time I spend on my own working on the caffeine batches, and that's when I get psyched out, when there's no external force making sure I know when mistakes are made. From the stuff I've experienced trawling the Internet, there's even more stress involved in something like moderation-- you're not dealing with objects, you're dealing with bugs, with all their emotions and anger and confusion. I admire that you've made it through, but I'm really sorry it's demoralizing. If it's any consolation, I get it.

I moderated some smaller-scale stuff a few years ago and even in those small groups, communication is wild, hard to do. And if you tread too hard, or in the wrong direction, it feels like the world's against you.


Anyway, it's really cool to hear you're at a place that densely populated! And being stuck next to a caffeine plant isn't the worst place in the world, haha. There's plenty of interesting stuff going on in that department. Hopefully there's plenty to explore, and maybe you'll find a good place to set up shop. Are you planning on staying there, at least for a little while? Are there bug homes in the building already? I know that Bends had thousands and thousands built before the Burst, so there was pretty much no lack of room.

And... also... Norway! Norway. I know where that is, but that's more than a world away, it's many many worlds away, at least for how I understand travel to be. Maybe they'll get another big plane running someday, or we'll all learn to teleport. I guess for now we'll have to stay online friends. Small consolation: you're in Norway! Imagining your trip with Ore, I can picture why it was so beautiful.

You weren't just seeing stars, you were seeing a world lit by only them.

I can imagine why humans wanted so badly to see them up close.

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerOh I really like card games! I found some of them when I first started using the internet, and I never really got into any other kinds of video games, but I still play card games sometimes. I dont know why, there's just something about them I like a lot, the way they're so, strategic I guess? That feels like the slightly wrong word. I dont like playing against the computer though. I never tried making any either, sometimes I had random ideas, but it was like making it myself would take all the fun out for some reason
Hey, maybe we could play a game some time! My favourite one is kind of obscure, but it's really cool. It's called 4Spells, and basically, you and the other player use these basic 'elements' to attack eachother and create creatures, but you can also combine them into stronger elements. I dont remember if the site has a way to match up with another specific play though, I hope it does.
I have trouble getting into regular card games, the ones with numbers and suits. Not that I see much of those, only really on rare occasions when cousins visit. They just dont interest me the same way.
What was the card game you thought of making? Tell me about it.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Well, hey, I actually heard a pretty good explanation for why card games and board games can be more interesting than systems-based video games. When designing one, you really can't take anything for granted. Any mechanic which is too miniscule and unnoticed, and inelegant, you can't keep, because it bogs down everything else. The real key is being clever when you design every aspect, so it's as compact as can be, because you're dealing with physical objects and limits.

That's what was generally fun about card games, the design! I'd usually only get to have a group play a given game once... sometimes a few times, rarely a half-dozen, but only as long as it lasted and was still fun. I was more in touch with friends from when I was young, so it wasn't too hard to organize games online or in-person. I think my favorite kind was hidden-role, but it took a lot to avoid people being hostile over the game, so a lot were just based around theme and mechanics, trying to create interesting stories.

Cards with suits and numbers, though, that's... more difficult. I guess you've got to be even more creative to work inside those bounds, but for me they were never that much fun. Maybe because we used to run family games of poker with my mom and dad, which... haaaaaa.

It's been a long while since I've actually made a game, though. It's... not fun to think about it like that, but I'm trying to stress less. I get antsy about these kinds of things on espresso.

4Spells sounds pretty interesting! I totally wouldn't mind getting a game going sometime. I looked it up and it seems like there's a way to make an account and invite people into a specific lobby? Let me know if you want to give it a try, and I'll sign up.

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Subject: Untitled Draft(8)
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Tea isn't the worst thing in the world.

"Tea isn't the worst thing in the world," Cent muttered, a world above a world, sitting in a porch chair on the balcony with her father, with the stars which formed the universe glinting faintly through the still-lit city, like nobody had told them to extinguish the harsh electric lights formed years and years ago. She folded her arms up a little, into the chair, and smiled faintly as Sir Penney nodded, poured out that weak-seeming green tea into a cup, handed it to her. There was a chill in the air, though their breaths didn't feel cold.

"Should be hot, still," the older roach chuckled. "That enough?"

She held it between two legs and nodded. "Yeah, definitely. I actually... it's good there's a little space, in the cup." Cent retrieved something from her jacket, to the left-- a small thermal flask, smaller than small, with a little liquid sloshing around. Penney hummed curiously, watching as she spun it open, and poured the lukewarm mixture into her teacup, filling the rest with a murky pale-brown liquid, until it was sufficiently oddened by the addition. The roach sealed her flask, stirred the mixture to satisfaction, and drank from it slow.

Sir Penney nodded briefly, hesitant to ask, then went ahead anyhow. "...is that coffee?"

Cent let a little of the liquid in at a time, like a gently flowing water wheel. The taste couldn't be even approximated with words. It was so new. New to her, new to what she wanted, new to her normal. After a little bit, she put the cup down and responded, rattling off like a typewriter. "Yeah, it was. So now this is yuenyeung. Or, um... kinda. Yuenyeung was Hong Kong milk tea and coffee, like... a very specific mixture, in a very specific part of the world. That's what I learned, anyway. But before the Burst..." She stared down at the swirling cup of tea-coffee approximate. "...when bugs gained sentience, when we first started taking caffeine, I remember reading that Nadezhda drank yuenyeung. I think she was from Hong Kong, before she... went out into space, became a constellation, or... you know, whatever actually happened. And I guess it made sense to me to try it out, because

"...because I guess I'm tired of drinking coffee, all the time. And... stressing, and getting so wired and amped up that if I'm not using that energy, I'm wasting. And I can't just drink tea on its own, and be okay with that, because..." Cent glared off at the skyline. It had been scraped up by a lawnmower decades ago, and now it was poking up in ways it shouldn't have, made of rocket ships that couldn't move. She remembered reading that Nadezhda, the little cockroach in a vessel six billion times her size, went out into space, then out, then out, then out, until she reached the center of the universe-- her inevitable fate back at the center. That was the tale. It never seemed to freak Nadezhda out, how far and far and far away she was from home. She was never addled, the way Cent always was.

"That's not me, either," she said, looking at the steaming teacup her father held, with a little bemusement hanging on his face. "But... I like sitting up here and just sitting with it. I guess I don't ever want that to stop, either. So I need both." Cent held the cup of yuenyeung in her legs, trembling some, because she'd just talked for a while and rattled off nonsense, and took another drink, swallowing the still-hot mixture with weakness. "...I think I need both."

Sir Penney chuckled softly. "Sounds good, then. I can have the caffeine carrier bring mixed coffee-tea, if..." He trailed off, then laughed to himself. "...well, you already probably know how to get that going, if you want to come over with something from the caffeine plant, and you could just ask Tieni, right?"

"Yeah. I'll try and get the actual, real recipe made. It's... seven parts to three parts something, I forget." Cent nodded weakly and smiled. But the weakness wasn't exhaustion, yet. Maybe it wasn't exhaustion, yet. Did she really feel so exhausted at this hour? It was only ten o'clock. Only crazy people got tired at this hour.

"Is it... good?" Penney hesitated, mandibles loose.

The roach nodded again. "...it's pretty good. I guess it's weird, but... it's good."

It was something else.

Exhaustion, thick wave blanket, hurled itself over Cent. She curled up further in the seat until her small cup of yuenyeung had emptied and she felt so, so full. The cool air hung still. She murmured responses to Penney, who talked a small about the trip he and Phial had had, in the morning, headed down to clear up something with someone... all nice, all easy, holding Cent in that embrace of words and calm.

There was,

blissfully,

no Centinel, at the time,

standing at attention, screeching at her to get up, to make

something, anything

because the moment was alright, and enjoying it was alright, and as the glimmering starlight which formed the sheets wrapped around Cent, she let herself enjoy the quiet moment.

Everything wouldn't magically be okay. She knew things could still get bad, and they probably would, too. She could never live with herself if she sat in a corner for an eternity, never doing the things she wanted to, and needed to. But it wasn't the worst to drink from the other side of the tracks as often as she avoided it. It wasn't the worst to doze half-off into dreamscape, and to let Sir Penney softly put an actual blanket over her in the chair, and to

let

the night

go.