Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Oh boy, there's a whole intricate world of identity politics out there. Not sure I'm quite prepared for it right now. I think finding where I belong on the dozens of different spectrums they've got, is going to take so much time to get right that I might just wanna do it little by little over the course of a lifetime. I tried to get a discussion going with Ore about it while we were travelling, but she doesn't seem very interested in the subject at all. Or maybe I'm just being too pushy. In any case, I guess I still have a long way to go before I can say anything for sure about myself other than what my name is.

Thankfully the refueling stations from here on out aren't so ridiculously far away from each other. I can't connect to the internet while I'm on the road, so our stops to refuel are kinda my only chances to stay in touch right now. Trying to imagine the logistics of how this whole route works makes my head spin. Apparently transporting fuel to the refueling stations takes significantly more fuel than they're actually able to deliver at a time, and that's on top of things like caffeine and other equipment. The fact that it takes this much effort to get caffeine that far out makes me seriously wonder why they don't just make people move closer to the caffeine factories (or whatever they're called). Guess some bugs are just too attatched to their homes.

I'm still not quite sure where I'm going, but I'm pretty excited about it, even if the trip itself is super boring. Some of the mountains are starting to look less like big piles of rocks and more like sleeping giants. I wonder if it's even possible for living things to get that big. What stories they might have to share sets my mind wandering. I came upon a cliff overlooking a river that kinda zig-zagged a bit, and it got me thinking about why that happens. I know rivers exist cause the water over millions of years just carves a path through the earth, but wouldn't you expect it to travel in a straight line then? Or at least something less... meandering I guess. I wonder what story that river has to share, and it too sets my mind wandering. When there's nothing but mountains and valleys to catch my attention, I have to reach a bit farther to find something interesting to focus on. Sometimes even the clouds start telling me stories. And the stars in the night sky.

If you have any interesting stories to share, I'll be happy to hear them. I've been focusing so much on my own journey in these last few emails that I feel like I've been ignoring your story. Did you make any new friends at that halloween party? Done anything interesting with Tieni lately? Got any plans for christmas?

To: Mímir, Concerned

Well, we're all still figuring ourselves out piecemeal. I think the key is to look for things that you gravitate towards. Finding yourself doesn't just have to be identity, it can be what you enjoy doing, what traits you like in people, that kind of thing. The best you can do is look and look, and... see what happens. Maybe it's a person you'd like to be more like, or a feeling you like having. Who knows?

When I was younger, I heard from someone that everyone, including us bugs, get an inkling of where we'd like to be when we hatch. It's an evolutionary trait, especially for big animals, to want to travel. It spreads genetic diversity if we don't like home sometimes. But I was born really loving home, and I think a lot of bugs are, too. Maybe to an unhealthy degree! I happen to be near caffeine all the time, but if I were born upstate like my mum, I wonder if the distance and inconvenience would just feel normal? For caffeine carriers, I wouldn't even think of the difficulty they go through. It'd be worth it, because I'm here, I'm home.

God, doing that much for anyone can feel impossible if you don't know how much it'd mean to them. I mean, half the time I can't get out of the house for the most middling, or important, thing, haha.

Not much to say on the living mountains thing- it's even harder to picture than humans- but if you think about it, trees and fungi are living mountains, aren't they? Even if an oak has its limits in height, they're all connected underground through the roots. The whole world lives a little. And if you expand your definition... New York City is a very living place. Even now, there's lights in the windowsills.

But it's a loud life, and the place you're travelling sounds a lot quieter. I can't imagine how good the stars look with so little light around. I actually can't imagine-- never seen it that way. They make me feel smaller than small even when they're muted with a coat of polluted fabric. Are you okay, down there? (ha.)

In terms of me?

I don't know. I'm kind of at the edge of my rope right now, and just struggling a little to figure my whole life out. I guess I'm writing this reply, though, right?

It's written, and you're getting it, so... on we march.

I've been finishing up my evals for the job I'm working at the caffeine plant. I don't know if it's a job, so much. I mean, that's what Tieni tells me, and what I tell my dad, but it feels cheap, like I'm an imposter. And now I'm... so broken and burnt out that I took most of the day, and... I think I need to take more time after this.

Actually, yeah, I guess I did make a friend at the halloween party. He's actually into some of the same creative projects as me and... introduced me to some cool things on the Internet to check out, that kind of thing. I'm getting to the point where I meet somebody and just rapid-fire ask them if they have the same interests, and why. It's been a while since I've met somebody out in meatspace and continued talking to them online.

The inverse has virtually never happened, but... hey, maybe this email gig will change that. I don't know how crazy it'd be, but organizing a meetup someday could be nice.

The nebulous sort of nice, reserved for future-Cent. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

- I Will Reply

SEND

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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It has been nice, and I do look forward to seeing these messages. If just chatting like this is all we do, I'm fine with that, although I do kind of want to meet you properly if it weren't for the really inconvenient difficulty of doing so (Although I do live on the same continent as you, up north a ways, so who knows). I am glad that I know you, Cent. You always find some way to be, poetic i guess, in our messages. To work what you're saying into some kind of general moral about other people or the world or experiencing life. I don't find it condescending or anything, it's just something that makes it interesting to talk to you.

Still haven't gotten the box open yet (Thanks for not spoiling me). None of the sides seem to have opening or gap anywhere, but! I was playing around with it, and I noticed it had a weird effect on some of the other things I've found, specifically the metal objects. One particular face of the box stuck to any metal it touched, like they were connected. At first i was a bit worried that the box was broken somehow and that they would stay like that, but I managed to pull it off.
So, I'm pretty sure that the box is actually a magnet! Or at least contains a magnet, or something. I learned about magnets when I tried looking up science stuff before, but I've never actually seen one until now, and it's really cool! I spent most of yesterday just playing around with the box without trying open it, levitating bits of metal to it, rolling the ring past it, it was very fun. Now that I think about it, opening it will probably also involve the magnet. Still not sure how, though.

I have a bunch of weird thoughts about things being hidden and not being seen, but I feel like they wouldn't really make sense to get into, mostly because I have no possible idea how to describe them. But I'm sure you have more you can talk about than your mum, you can just, talk about yourself. Just list some random facts if you can't think of anything.

And if you feel to familiar with your home you could always move somewhere else, heh.
More seriously though, I don't really get what you mean (aren't most people not neighbors with you?) But I would say that changing things up might help you.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Sorry, I was pretty unclear on the neighbors thing-- I just mean my literal neighbors! There's a centipede and millipede who live a couple doors down who inhabit a lot of the floor (since... there aren't enough bugs in the world to fill it all anymore). They're... alright, but they aren't really people I'm friendly with, I guess. If I go out exploring Bends, they'll probably be around.

I appreciate the sentiment, Dalorh, a lot. I guess that's part of the idea, right? I'm "I Will Reply",  not just Cent. There are folks on this project who I don't think have had anyone they can talk to, at least not about most things. There's a bee who just left their hive because of my... recommendation, I guess? It's a weird feeling! I'm still just a roach living under some floorboards, and I don't hardly feel like I should be responsible for those sorts of things. Hopefully it's just... a little nudge, and not a big push.

People like you on this project have done some stuff for me, for sure. And it's been especially nice to keep contact with you in particular. I'm really excited about that box, for one! I had a pretty good idea of what it was for, but besides the casing it's in, the contents could be just about anything. It might be too big to use alone, but 'use' is pretty subjective. It could be big enough to ride around, or a number of segmented little things you can take with you.

...In terms of just 'me' stuff? I don't know. I used to make card games, but I haven't done much of it lately. The friends I had when I was younger have generally just drifted away and aren't interested in those things anymore. I've never tried being penpals or whatever this is, so if I'm being honest, despite how long it's been going on, I'm still putting my chitin to the ground on whether or not it's... good.

It is cool that you're on the same continent, at least. Travel seems incomprehensible at a big scale like that, but maybe someday people from this mailing list could meet up? I don't know. I think a lot of them, and you, would like each other.

- I Will Reply

SEND

Immobile.

The chair restricts like it has straps, but Cent could stand anytime. Her shell is infinite, and the well drifts her closer in and closer in. The bed is easy-access. The chair is easy-filter. When the screen comes on, and it comes on bright, it screeches until she's deep in it and punched out of breath by the endless and unwavering expanse.

Immobile.

Cent rested facing the ceiling until the night, which seemed so long, drifted away as easy as the day did. The exasperated half-joking tone from a few weeks ago, when she exclaimed she 'fell asleep as soon as she got home', melted away. The exhaustion used to be fun to work through, because at least she was working, because at least she was composing emails and getting something done, and clawing out of the nothingness towards something, but now Cent wished that she didn't just have the night to sleep, but the day, and the week, and the rest of her life.

Immobile.

Maybe she would just do that and let the rest of the world bang at the walls for a little while. If the cicada under the music hall could learn to love those terrible tones, maybe she could let the self-loathing become wondrous instead of terrible. Maybe it would stay terrible. Cent had no energy to fight it, only energy to worry.

Immobile.

until the end.