Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerCent,

Wanted to say: I'm sorry that I just threw out the whole 'face your fears' message without even tempering it with a 'pace yourself'.

Actually, I'm sorry for giving unsolicited advice at all. Even if it were solicited, I'm really not qualified. I want to believe I have things figured out, but I really don't know what I'm doing.

And, for a different kind of sorry, I'm sorry to hear that you're tumbling. I hope you can get some solid footing again soon.

Zat

To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Please don't worry over it. I'm going to live through it, I guess I just need time. And time's been moving a lot slower since this train of thought started.

Giving advice is a normal thing to want to do, and sometimes it can be really helpful, if you give it the right constraints, if it's timed right. The truth is that nobody has anything totally figured out, and advice can't apply to anyone the same way it applies to the person giving it.

But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it! I'm in a bad place right now, I guess, and that's all it is. I haven't really been able to admit it to people so far, because I keep thinking it'll just get better if some time passes. I guess it's still worth talking about. Sorry if that's... I don't now. It can suck to have somebody press their problems on you without wanting them, which is what I'm doing, I think.

How about we talk about something else, just in general? If you like cityscapes, I could describe some parts of New York to you. The job I'm doing now, going to buildings to deliver caffeine is a once-a-week thing, so I could tell you about a different place each email. I head out Tuesday nights, but I could write down what the places are like.

Like, last week I went to an apartment complex called Skips. Most of the structure is concrete, so bug housing is carved right into the cement and rock. It's claustrophobic, and... poorly lit, and just trash, a place you really don't want to end up. But I headed home thinking it must've taken a lot of effort to carve the place out, and it's a place with so many people living their lives, making memories, that whatever it looked like to me is just my take.

In reality, I can imagine all kinds of bugs growing up pretty well in Skips. They still get the same caffeine shipments, and there's heating, and... it's alright. It's making use of those huge, awful structures humans built just to store their cars, and giving bugs a place to live, hundreds of them.

What do you think? It's obviously not the best area to live, and I wish it were better, but that's way out of my control. I remember pegging it as a total dump, but that's an awful outlook too. And we met a couple people who took caffeine packages who were super nice.

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerVisiting the hive for the first time in almost a year was an interesting experience. There was a depressing atmosphere to it that I'm surprised I never noticed before. Everyone had lost at least one person they cared deeply about, the pain of it yet lingered and forever would. I think the traditions and stories and solidarity helped them deal with it and process it, but it never quite went away. I took part in one final flower worship ceremony, and for a moment I felt The Devil compelling me to stay. The thought disturbed me profoundly, the name I gave the flower now took on such a different meaning. Such a terrible, horrible meaning I couldn't help but fly away as soon as I felt it and understood it.

I've left that place behind me for good. I don't know if my defying The Devil was some impressive feat of willpower or not. If I made the biggest mistake of my life or not. All I know is if I had stayed with the hive, I would have eventually died surrounded by a loving family, having done nothing with my life. And maybe it's just me, but knowing that something will be my death is the most terrifying thing I can imagine. I think I'll tell the hive's story in full one day, and get a book made about it or something. But right now I just want to get away from it all.

I've been on the road for the past two weeks or so. Arrived at the first refueling station today, and let me tell you, travelling for that long is soooooo boooooooring! The sights are interesting and all the first few times, but it just gets so repetitive. Mountain, valley, mountain, valley, rinse and repeat. And the roads seem to be taking the exact longest possible routes around the mountains. I've seen tunnels, I know they exist, so where are they?

I actually had to look up the word "trans" online cause that's entirely new to me. It sounds super interesting. Like, I always thought of gender as some generic fact about someone which used to have a purpose back when bees at the hive had actual roles and jobs to do based on it. Never thought to implement it into some sort of personal "identity" thing. Even that concept alone feels almost alien, having an emotional connection to facts about oneself. I dunno, guess it's rude to judge, but I'm personally having a hard time wrapping my head around it at least.

To: Mímir, Concerned

I'm really sorry to hear about your hive. Even if it's someplace you're leaving, it's... never good to hear things going wrong. It takes away the potential of them getting better. You can't always change things that big, and it sounds like convincing such a huge place to leave their home would be impossible. I guess the best you can do is show them that it's possible, which is what you've done, and it seems like the time was right.

Hey, maybe somebody will follow in your steps. If nothing else, that book is bound to help somebody, somewhere, in the same situations. There are plenty of anthills and beehives out in the world, after all.

Traveling is a huge burden, I know! Our worlds are so much smaller than they're supposed to be, because we just don't have the size to cope. In New York, dung beetles are tearing out the cars and refurbishing the roads, just so we can drive our own vehicles. That's just one city, and it's taking years and years!

You'll get where you're going, though. Some places get sweeter because of the trip there.

I don't think "trans" is something that anybody knows intrinsically. It took me time to learn and figure out, too. And I never felt those kinds of ways, but it's totally possible to describe and understand. That's just coming from my own perspective, because I spend a lot of time thinking about identity, and 'self', and... all that. It seems like you're still figuring all that out, so don't worry about how intricate it can all get. I guess the key thing is that people want to feel like themselves, or the best version of themselves.

A name is just one part of you. A lot of things, we get as we grow up, but a lot of other stuff, it's just there, it's who you are, and you just live with it. You don't get to choose what kind of bug you're  born as. I started getting it when I realized I was gay.

...and even then, I'm totally petrified at the prospect of making that part of my identity to other people. At least online it's de-synchronized, but it'd be like if I lived in a hive with nameless bees, and adopted a name, and told them all. It's important to me, but the fear is still there, the alienation.

I don't know how we're supposed to move past those kinds of things except time. But knowing yourself, and realizing more about yourself, and being more true to that identity, is... good. Intrinsically. I think it has to be.

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerYeah, that was the kind of thing I used to use my old journal for, writing down stuff that kept on going around in my head. I mean it still went around a lot and didnt go anywhere, but at least it was on paper, heh. I don't usually talk to people online about personal stuff because basically everyone i know are just relatives or semi-acquaintances i have contact with for random specific reasons, i dont really go on general message boards or anything like that much. I felt comfortable telling you though, i guess because i knew you'd understand, or something. It just seemed like the sort of thing that would belong in these emails. Although, I still don't feel like I know you that well. Do we count as acquaintances, or friends, or whatever? I don't know it probably doesnt matter that much.

I think I'll go to the festival alone, or at least without my parents, I'd probably just end up wandering away from them once i was there anyway, heh. And wow, that other bug sounds like they wouldve had a really interesting life! Tell them I said hi.

...So I can't really think of any way to segue into this, so im just going to change the topic randomly. I found something strange the other day while I was on a walk. Recently there was a storm near where I live, and when I went over to it, some of the trees had fallen over, and their wood was black. I think lightning struck a few of them. But inside the stump of one of the trees was this box. It was made of plastic, so i think it must've been made by humans, but the tree didn't have any openings or holes that I could see, so I don't know how it could've gotten in there. It was quite small, so i dragged it out of the stump and carried it home. My parents didn't know what to make of it, although they didn't mind it either. It had a lot of nice patterns on its sides, mostly in green and red. Right now we're just keeping it a little ways outside. I haven't been able to open the box yet, but i'm pretty sure its hollow from the sound it makes when i knock it.

I actually have a kind of collection of stuff like this. Like that ring I told you about in my, second message i think? I like thinking about this stuff. Like, I've walked past the tree that had this box inside it dozens of times, and I never even knew it was there. And now I've found it. I don't know, it's hard to describe, but that kind of thing happening just makes me feel this excitement, discovering something nobody has seen for who knows how long. It's like finding buried treasure. except more mysterious.

That was just something I wanted to share, I dont know if you're interested or not. You should talk about something personal to you to balance it out, heh.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

I feel like we're friends! Well, I don't know these things too well, always. Sometimes I'll interact with somebody for a couple weeks and feel like I've known them for years, but you've replied to my emails more than anyone- which I don't want to make it sound like it's necessary, but it's been nice!- and been just nice to talk to. And, honestly, we've talked about plenty of stuff that's hard to get off your carapace anywhere else in the world.

Friends serve different purposes, right? We can be the kind of friends who talk online about important shit through one of the slowest methods of communication, and that can just be alright.

The box sounds like a mystery! I'm pretty sure I can guess why a human might make something like that, but I won't spoil you on what exactly it is, haha. You can probably give it a little time before opening it-- the month's still pretty young. Whoever it was meant for is so far gone that you'll be doing them a favor seeing whatever's in it, I think.

I get what you mean, finding things that were hidden and lost. Bends has all sorts of spaces between the walls, and in a couple of them, you can find construction workers and even architects marking credit, or people carving their names into the wood and saying the year. Messages from the 1990s exist here, just sitting, calling out without any preference on who sees them. It's like, their purpose is to be found, but not shown off. I imagine there will be messages written that are never seen by anyone before the places they were written in are destroyed.

Hey, does that count as something personal? I don't want to talk endlessly about my mum, haha. This was my own exploring through the building. It's not an infinite place, but it feels like it, even though the whole thing is still so familiar, so much like home. I just wish there were more people who weren't my neighbors.

...I wish being familiar with a place didn't make me feel stuck.

- I Will Reply

SEND

"I kind of have this thing where I email people," Cent said.

The perch from atop Ends was astounding. The cockroach could spot every section of her home town in as much detail as she could see. It had to remain a little blurry. Her eyes weren't big enough for it all, but sometimes it was okay to feel small. The building had too many floors to count, and two caffeine carriers needed to deliver on the same day. As luck would have it, Tieni, and by extension Cent, were assigned to the higher floors. After ten hours of upward deliveries, they reached the top, sat down weakly, and reveled in the night.

It was too late for anything else to be going on. Being awake, and awake awake, was taboo this time of night. Cent noted she couldn't bring herself to want to sleep. The time for that had passed, like she'd missed her ride home, so she just sat in it and spoke before thinking.

"Yeah?" the mantis asked.

Cent nodded. "It's like... a group of penpals, or a mailing list, or whatever. I started it as just kind of a pet project, but now it's... really important."

Tieni shrugged slowly, her own unfocused eyes staring at the rolling, spiny tops of buildings. "Sounds like a lot of social responsibility."

"Maybe," the cockroach admitted. It was plenty of responsibility. "But it's not like... caffeine delivery. I can hear from people all around the world about what's going on and... and reply when they send something, and not leave them hanging."

"Gotta watch out for people who are just there to drain you." The mantis spoke with a little bitterness. Cent had realized more and more the level of shit the bug must've gone through, but she had no clue what it was, exactly.

She responded, "I'm trying."

Tieni nodded. "Good, yeah."

"I really like the project," Cent muttered. "I tried... telling some people about it, uh. I don't think anyone else really gets... how important it is to me. It's the only thing I've made consistently, ever. The past couple months, I've just been replying on the same day, the same kind of time. I know it's not a piece of art or a job or... whatever. But it's..."

Looming a little, the mantis rested an arm around Cent, shrugging her softly. "It sounds amazing. Doing anything consistent is hard. At least we can zone out making deliveries, but keeping up with people on a regular basis? You said it's emails?" She laughed. "I haven't written an email that I didn't hate writing in, like, years."

"I guess." Cent laughed a little, staring down and down and down, watching a motionless city shift. Her carapace felt lighter.

"Tell me about it some more, c'mon. You met anyone cool?"

"Yeah." The roach glanced back up at Tieni. "There's this bee who left their hive, and they're learning all kinds of things about... the whole world, and having a name, and having an identity." Her mandibles buzzed happily as she spoke, and watched the mantis nod in interest. "I actually told them to hang out with the caffeine carrier, because it was one of the only people they had in their life, and now they're on the road with that carrier!"

Tieni cackled. "Wonder where you got that idea!"

"There's also this bug out in the woods who found a Christmas present from before the Burst, but doesn't know what it is... and a shield bug in the center of the States somewhere, exploring factories... and a cicada who's a musician... and some cooped-up ants living in a golf course..." Cent stared off for a moment, and Tieni laughed some more, maybe at the enthusiasm of it, and the roach didn't mind. "...and all kinds of other bugs, too, and they reply sometimes, and I try to keep telling them it's okay if they don't reply all the time, because... I know it's fucking hard."

The mantis sat back a bit, staring out at the night. The sun seemed like it'd never reappear. "If you say it's important, it's important. It sounds like a lot of pretty cool bugs, Cent. Didn't even know you were doing something like that. I guess... when you said you spend a lot of time at the computer, I didn't know what you'd even be doing that whole time."

Cent froze up a little bit, and took in some air through her carapace. "...It's still, like, bad, most of the time." She shuddered. Was it really that cold? "Mostly, it's like being strapped into a chair, just sitting until time passes, and then it does, and then it's back to the next thing. A couple months ago it was so much worse, but it's still..." The roach could only manage a shrug.

"You sound depressed," Tieni murmured.

"I don't know. There's people that have it worse."

"No, I mean," the mantis suddenly forced out, "I've been like that before. It's depression. Or, well, I don't know how it's gonna be for you, but it was so awful for me! I had to deal with confronting the worst version of myself, yelling at me for every moment wasted, and every day was wasted, and I was wasting away." Her massive eyes gave Cent no room to look away. "You have to call it what it is."

The roach shook again, grasping at the concrete of the rooftop for support. "I think... that I'm just... unhappy. And the email thing makes me happy to do. And it's lasting, or at least it's lasting for now, and that's... enough."

"Is it actually enough? You sure that you shouldn't go to therapy, or..."

Cent nodded, weak. "I'm just going to let the good thing keep being a good thing and not... really question it. Like, if I touch it too hard, it's gonna collapse in on itself, like a house of cards. I know what happens when it fucks up, so I'm just trying to savor it being okay."

The mantis didn't seem satisfied, but pulled away a little. "It doesn't seem like it's okay."

"It's okay," Cent said.

"At least

I'm

replying.

I said I would

and

at

least

I

am

for now, at least

for a

little

while

longer,

until I fuck up," she muttered, "I called the thing 'I Will Reply', because I was hoping I'd keep replying, but I didn't for so many months, and then I went back to it, and I stopped again, and since I met you I've been doing it, but... what am I even supposed to do when instead of doing it, I just sit down and the time passes, and I'm strapped in, and nothing happens?"

The roach felt a black hole forming inside of her. Tieni had retracted completely. She said, "I don't know. I don't do a lot of stuff like that anymore. I try to do stuff where there's consequences when I don't do it, so... tada, it happens."

"But," Cent cried meekly, "there are consequences when I don't do it. I'm... letting all those bugs down, a-and I'm letting myself down."

"Hey, you've told me now, so I can... pressure you into keeping it up, if you'd like."

She just broke a little bit in tone. "It's... o-okay. I don't want you to mention it. It's house-of-cards. It's working right now, so it's okay, so I don't... want to t-touch it."

Tieni nodded slowly. The concern in her voice didn't fade, but it seemed like her presence had. "Alright. I'm sorry. I... get it, and I won't make a big deal out of it. It sounds like a good thing, anyway, even if it takes some time to happen."

Cent no longer had the energy to pour herself out onto the rooftop of Ends. Instead, she let the moment fade with a painful ringing, and crawled herself from 4 AM to the morning in solace.

There were a lot of thoughts on the way back, while the sun was still rising.

When Cent made it home, she peered in an old folder on her desktop-

PROJECTS

-and opened it.

Some hadn't been updated in months.

Some hadn't been updated in years.

The little nagging voice which was Centinel spoke for her and for all the people, real or imagined, that had once sought the continuation of those projects, who wanted to see them through, who wanted closure that she couldn't possibly offer. Maybe if she made things happen in a day it'd be fine, but each day was crawling by faster and faster, magnifying the distance since last contact. Eventually she would be forgotten, and her best efforts would be abandoned.

Even the things she held to with steadfastness would be lost. Even the things she had done immense care to preserve would be lost. The spiteful nature of it all wreaked her mind until she flipped back to the most recently-updated file, the only in the last few months that had any progress-

I WILL REPLY

-a pointless fucking venture,

a waste of her time,

an exercise in futility

not what she wanted to be doing with her life

not her purpose

but the only damn thing she was able to do.

She shut the computer off. She had so thoroughly battered herself over the petty ramblings of her own psyche that, come next Tuesday, it seemed unlikely she would muster the energy to reply again. Centinel had wracked her mind with existential, miserable anxiety. It wasn't that Cent felt like she had nothing to reply to, or about, but that the part of her capable would just simply turn off, as magically as it had turned on.

Good, she decided.

One more on the list I've left behind.

The roach had never felt worse slipping into sleep than she did that night. The world was about to fall apart because she had seen it too closely,

and held too tight.