Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Appropriately asynchronous! I like that. We can even look at product reviews from the human-internet era, ha-ha. Try commenting on them and you’ll never get a reply, though!

I’m Aoiphyrgana. An ant. Out in the de-sert. We used to have a lot of ants out here, I hear the culture used to be pretty different too. More everything-for-the-good-of-the-colony. Now there aren’t that many of us and we’re probably a lot more individualistic.

No big changes for me, I’m sorry to say! I live at the Research Station. We call it that but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen any research of any kind go on here. I like to make fun of it, but I can’t complain too much, I suppose. My research-mate is Steldhinoff, another ant. He’s older than me, he knows a lot about Science, he just doesn’t want to do anything. Whenever I bring up some kind of crazy project or research we could do he says we don’t have the equipment. Or else we do have the equipment, but it would take twenty ants to do anything with it. He’s probably right, I have to admit it. They’re happy to support us being out here but no one is investing any money into buying us new equipment.

So I spend a lot of time going through the Research Station’s library. It’s a great library, luckily. And I take long walks. Long walks. There’s mostly just rocks to look at out here, but I don’t mind that too much. The stars are incredible, at least. That’s the part of the world I’m living in that would most rock somebody else’s.

Hanging out with the caffeine delivery bug sounds good! I see mine something like once every three months. She comes out in a truck, can you believe it. Well, it must be a long drive.

I like your name for me! I would like to be more part of things. Although I like being at the edge of things too. At the edge of civilization, at the edge of the Great Black Sea that is all this barren land out here … Well, goodbye for now, I suppose!

To: Aoiphyrgana, Part Of Things

Product reviews! I haven't browsed so many of those, but after your email I went on some of the old sites, and, yep, it's pretty marvelous. Archiving hasn't kept up every domain, but for most of them, it's fun to check out places with, like, one review, just to hear about it from some isolated person's perspective. I can guess why there isn't anything popular like that nowadays, but can you imagine how helpful it'd be if it was easier to get close to people?

It seems like out where you're at, getting close to people is a tall task. I'm sorry to hear it's gotten lonely. I know a lot of places that used to be bustling are now just... devoid. And it can be terrible trying to find connection when you feel trapped.

What kinds of things did your Station research? Was it somewhere set up by ants? I'm guessing not, since you're talking about huge equipment, but I've always wondered if we're ever going to start coming up with ways to get off this rock. Humans figured it out, but everything I see on the Internet is about staying down to earth. Though I guess there's plenty to explore, if that library's anything to go by!

I actually have another friend on here who I think would love to be able to explore a library. There are so many things they're curious about, especially regarding life before the Burst. I have just a few stories to tell, but being able to read about it from a credible source would probably mean the world to them.

The stars sound lovely. There's still plenty of light pollution in New York, so the stars are little faint dots against the canvas, and spotting even one constellation makes you dizzy. I've seen pictures of the whole night sky, but imagining it all lit up is beyond comprehension. I bet my mum couldn't have pointed out one star out of the billions.

Can you imagine being just one star in that sea of too-many-to-count? You'd look so close, but in reality, the distances are hopelessly large. You can't ever really reach other planets, not really, no matter how hard you imagine you could, or hope you could.

...Anyway, I guess you don't have to go anywhere from the edge to be part of things. I'm probably so far off that we couldn't see each other if we were mountain-sized, let alone bug-sized, and yet here we are, talking! I only wish I could come and help run some of the equipment, haha. I'm no ant, but roaches can lift a good chunk of their body weight anyhow.

- I Will Reply

SEND

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Yeah, I guess I should go to something like that, your description of Sequence Break sounded pretty cool. I asked my parents, and they said it was about a day's travel, and that i could make the trip with a friend of theirs who usually goes. They weren't interested in coming themselves, but they were really fond of talking about it and were happy that I wanted to go. Apparently they'd met each other there! And they also said that there were bugs a lot older than them there, and that I should ask them questions I have about humans and the past (I've been pestering them a lot more since I started talking to you, heh). It's still a long way away though, but I can wait.

As for the person who visited, it was, well...
You know how i said there were people I hadn't gotten in touch with in a long time?
One of them was just passing by through coincidence. They'd known my name, so when my parents talked to them they came over and...
It was still just as awkward face to face as it was online. Neither of us said anything. Why is that? Why couldn't I speak to them?
After they left i just cried in my room. I'm not even sure why. It just felt so hard to talk, and I couldn't do it.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, I think I'm just venting. I'm not upset about it now, I mean i'm still sad but you know what I mean.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

I'm really sorry to hear about that. Like I said, I'm really terrible in face-to-face situations. Sometimes the people I care about most terrify me the most, too, and that makes it all the worse. It sounds to me like you wanted to talk to them, but things got overwhelming, and I totally get it.

It does help to vent! I mean, there's obviously a level of disconnect, because I'm just somebody random on the Internet, and it's a little less crazy than confiding to someone you know 'for real'. I know that, for my dad, I never know how to talk about half the things I want to. Sometimes I'll just blurt out whatever's in my mind, just to pour out anything. Since I started this email thing, there's been a little more of that. Maybe it's getting easier, or maybe I just have more things to vent about. Who knows?

Either way, it's going to be okay, at least in terms of being able to talk to people. People tend to be a lot more forgiving than they seem. It'll work out better in the future, I think.

Day's travel isn't terrible for a whole kind of festival gig! Though if I were you, I'd probably try to go with my parents, or at least somebody I know really well. Going out completely into the unknown can sometimes be way, way too much. But who knows? Being alone isn't the worst feeling in the world. It does mean that you're not going by anyone else's expectations of what to do-- you just have your own. If you can quiet that voice and just enjoy what's going on around you, that might be the best option, too.

And, hey, if it's where your parents met, it seems like a pretty friendly place! I'm sure there would be dozens and dozens of stories from before the Burst. I actually just recently got an email from a cicada who was alive when humans were around, and lived under a music hall. With a big sample size, there's bound to be somebody like that, right?

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Hello again! Took a while getting back to this. Sorry about that.

No, I don’t think its weird that you felt tired by the experience. In my own experience, facing your fears can be draining, and that, in turn, can be discouraging. Especially if the fatigue or fear is more pronounced in your memory than other parts. It can be a huge obstacle. Still, good on you for getting out there!

I still struggle with this a lot. A heck of a lot, actually. Haven’t really strayed from my comfort zone since exploring that factory. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m back at square one. Each time I face my fears, on average, I lessen them.

Your description really makes the city seem all the more incredible. Such a place sounds so alien compared to my fairly-flat part of the world. I guess it wouldn’t make too much of a practical difference, since even a relatively small human structure can be large and complex enough to take years to fully explore, but its more about the sublime vistas; the sheer visual vastness!

I’m a brown marmorated shield bug, by the way. Name’s Zat. I live in a small city in the central US. I forget exactly where, since few bugs around here keep track of the old human-drawn state lines, but I think it’s little North of center.

Life is kinda dull here. The locals are friendly enough, but I have a difficult time really relating to them. I have some good friends online, but lately I’ve been having a harder and harder time finding stuff to talk about with them.

Still, I’m hopeful. Life may be a bit stagnant now, but I have plenty of reasons to be optimistic.

Hope you’re doing well,
Zat

To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Yeah, the fears do get lessened after confronting them. Maybe... too much to notice, always. And since I went out that night, I've taken on a lot, way too much. I think it should have been nymph steps from there, but now it's flight, and I'm tumbling pretty hard.

New York City isn't too much of a sublime vista! I mean, it's convoluted, but I'm not exactly living near Times Square or anything. It's apartment complex in downtown Brooklyn. It used to be way flatter around here, decades ago, but by the time humans were all around the globe, they started building taller buildings all throughout the city, just to fit everyone. I guess it's less beautiful to me and more just... how things are.

Maybe that's just the fear of going out to explore it? I certainly don't have the confidence to go perusing a building I don't have business in, you know? I explore Bends, and my dad's complex, Craters, but the streets in-between are kind of a blur.

If you look at it the right way, the city is its own kind of jungle. But there's intent behind every single thing, at least from some human at some point in time. Maybe there's a meta sort of beauty to it, because you can see all the cacophonous voices all working in tandem to make whatever we now call New York. Who designed that cell tower? Who designed that windowsill? Who designed that brick pattern? You could get lost in it for a long time.

Sometimes if I'm bored out of my brain, I take a telescope out and look at Manhattan. That's visual noise.

Oh! Something I do love watching is the dung beetles moving cars out of the road. They've got to take them pretty far out of the way to make things viable, but it's kind of hypnotizing seeing them work. They've got to work all kinds of custom equipment, making sure things are ultra-safe, assessing each vehicle to see if the wheels are still free-spinning and whatnot.

Bends is on one of the main roads they use for the cars on Long Island, and there are still tens of thousands to drag out of the city. Once the roads are clear, there'll be another half-dozen years filling potholes, and then finally we'll have our own vehicles going through. Our caffeine carrier won't even need to use a plane anymore, if she doesn't want. (Though, it's probably a perk for her, haha.)

You know, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a cockroach named Cent! I feel like my life's usually dull as hell, but hearing stories from other people has made it a lot more bearable. I hope me being another friend online helps you some. If we ever run out of things to talk about, I promise there's plenty of cool stuff I've heard from other emails to relay.

Optimism is always easier when you don't have to deliver it in person, haha. I can at least feel optimistic about talking to people online, even if that's completely fake, even if I'm faking it. It's actually been fucking awful lately, and

Cent sat back weakly. Her breath was shuddering, and she'd caffeinated too much this time. Tired on top of shaky on top of tired. Optimism was easier when she was disconnected from it. The truth was, she couldn't tell if the emails had been stressing her out more than helping, because they'd certainly made her overextend, they'd made her feel more confident than she really was. It didn't hurt to vent, as she'd told Dalorh, but it did hurt to pretend that things were okay, when by in large they weren't. She wasn't feeling okay at all.

In a few hours, she'd need to head out to meet Tieni for another prerequisite of working at the caffeine plant. To be certified to any degree, Cent would also have to prove adequate handling of the caffeine packages, which meant a night of deliveries. And she'd keep telling people (and herself) that it would be good, a valuable experience, something worth doing for its own sake. But now she wished she could open an email with somebody and talk about how miserable she was, at all times, trapped in a vortex of stress that a little veneer of caffeine and 'optimism' could get her through.

...but that would be stupid, too.

She already spent so much of each email talking about herself. That wasn't what this was about. That wasn't what any bug on the list would want to hear about. She would just have to grit her mandibles and bear it quietly.

To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Yeah, the fears do get lessened after confronting them. Maybe... too much to notice, always. And since I went out that night, I've taken on a lot, way too much. I think it should have been nymph steps from there, but now it's flight, and I'm tumbling pretty hard.

New York City isn't too much of a sublime vista! I mean, it's convoluted, but I'm not exactly living near Times Square or anything. It's apartment complex in downtown Brooklyn. It used to be way flatter around here, decades ago, but by the time humans were all around the globe, they started building taller buildings all throughout the city, just to fit everyone. I guess it's less beautiful to me and more just... how things are.

Maybe that's just the fear of going out to explore it? I certainly don't have the confidence to go perusing a building I don't have business in, you know? I explore Bends, and my dad's complex, Craters, but the streets in-between are kind of a blur.

If you look at it the right way, the city is its own kind of jungle. But there's intent behind every single thing, at least from some human at some point in time. Maybe there's a meta sort of beauty to it, because you can see all the cacophonous voices all working in tandem to make whatever we now call New York. Who designed that cell tower? Who designed that windowsill? Who designed that brick pattern? You could get lost in it for a long time.

Sometimes if I'm bored out of my brain, I take a telescope out and look at Manhattan. That's visual noise.

Oh! Something I do love watching is the dung beetles moving cars out of the road. They've got to take them pretty far out of the way to make things viable, but it's kind of hypnotizing seeing them work. They've got to work all kinds of custom equipment, making sure things are ultra-safe, assessing each vehicle to see if the wheels are still free-spinning and whatnot.

Bends is on one of the main roads they use for the cars on Long Island, and there are still tens of thousands to drag out of the city. Once the roads are clear, there'll be another half-dozen years filling potholes, and then finally we'll have our own vehicles going through. Our caffeine carrier won't even need to use a plane anymore, if she doesn't want. (Though, it's probably a perk for her, haha.)

You know, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a cockroach named Cent! I feel like my life's usually dull as hell, but hearing stories from other people has made it a lot more bearable. I hope me being another friend online helps you some. If we ever run out of things to talk about, I promise there's plenty of cool stuff I've heard from other emails to relay.

- I Will Reply

SEND

Plenty of the night had been spent watching Tieni work. It made Cent really feel the weight of her own guarded, heavy shell.

She had set the plane on one of the concrete balconies of Skips, an aptly-named building Cent had never given much attention, even during her gazing across the city's expanse. The last two floors were 'isolate', which was what Tieni referred to floors that 'wanted to take delivery manually'. This meant she couldn't walk in and refill the machines, but that she had to wait for somebody at the entrance to take the pallets of coffee and tea while giving both her and Cent side-eye. This one was, thankfully, 'inclusive', which meant that the two of them could do their job without needing approval.

"I think I'd like the idea of the job more if it were more of this," Cent mused. The halls were carved into the concrete and insulation, instead of the floorboards like Bends' bug apartments. Claustrophobic was putting it nicely. They couldn't have gotten termites, so it was a rough, rough affair. Her role was, thus far, carrying a mountain of caffeine and following Tieni's lead.

"More of Skips?" The mantis laughed softly. She was nearly too tall for the narrow hallway, approaching the dispenser at the end. "I skip over it whenever I can. There are other deliverers that don't get harassed, but..." Her big, segmented arms formed a shrug. "Can't always get what you want!"

Cent's expression fell. "...It sounds shitty."

"It's okay," Tieni said, flatly.

"No, it sounds shitty," the roach reiterated. "It can be okay, I guess you can find it okay, but it still seems shitty. Maybe if you didn't have to work so late?"

She just laughed softly. "It's really okay. Better to do too much and not get everything done than not have enough, right?"

"Sure." Cent was too familiar with not having enough. But she wasn't close to sure whether having too much was worse.

"Only a couple more hours tonight, then you'll have seen my whole schedule!" Tieni said. They'd reached the end of the hall, and she started tearing open the caffeine dispenser, panel by panel, a rigorous disassembly. From there, Cent poured in the espresso, Tieni poured in the drip, and they both carefully rationed various bags of condensed tea and powder. Each dispenser had a series of slots for its own specific needs and desires, and this time there were even some notes left by the building's inhabitants asking for little, minute changes to the formula.

The notes were akin to the snobby and rather crass bugs confronting them directly about their requests, but at least then the two of them could joke about them together, which was a small comfort. "They want the espresso to be... greener?" Cent laughed.

"Oh, you don't know?" chuckled Tieni, tapping the tank of hyper-concentrate coffee. "Wow, Cent, how can't you know how to make coffee green?"

A momentary lapse in which Cent questioned if the mantis was sarcastic, and then back to a forced chuckle. She never felt great at keeping up. "I'm guessing the batch I made will make people green."

"Really? It seemed fine to me." The mantis shrugged her chitin gently, gave her a little look of approval. "It's not going to get anyone sick."

"...yeah, I guess."

"You know," said Tieni, clapping the panel of the dispenser shut, "why do we use that expression? It's a weird one. Sick bugs don't get green. I've never felt green. The word as an adjective barely describes anything except color, so is it a human thing?"

Cent nodded. "Like, human nausea. Puke, and all that."

The mantis started leading them both back out through the claustrophobic hall. "And now I am even more confused as to what these crazy people want their espresso to be. I guess you'll just have to make it extra pukey, Cent."

With a little more laughter, brevity propping up stress, the both of them continued shooting the shit all the way outside, all the way up to the next floor, keeping the barest minimum of sanity in a soul-sucking task Cent once thought might be fun.

The night went on,

and on,

and on,

and on.

"Do you think half these bugs get out of their apartments almost ever?" she asked, eventually. It was nearing the end of the night, and they were behind schedule, so 'the end of the night' was looking further and further away. Skips was thirty floors high, with six or seven dispensers a floor, and as many bugs as there were once humans. Isolated, cooped-up bugs.

Tieni nodded, and yawned. "I'm sure. Maybe it's not all the time, but everyone sane goes out and does stuff."

Cent took a long breath and clambered back onto the plane, buckling in. It'd been a particularly awful interaction with one of the 'isolate' sections, and she wasn't feeling great about moving on to yet another floor. "I used to pretty much never go out."

"But you're going out now. You're doing a ton of stuff, Cent." The mantis gave her a big beam, mandibles pressed up. "You seem way more enthusiastic than when we met."

"Yeah, I guess."

"And it's okay not to go out a lot, too, I think. I'm not exactly extroverted myself."

The plane struck back up, and started to move. It wasn't a terribly loud thing, but the wind would make it hard to talk, so Cent spoke quickly. "I think I'm taking on too much."

"What?" called Tieni. Apparently they were moving already, and apparently it was already too much, too loud. The concrete balcony was getting further and further below.

"I think I'm taking on too much!" Cent shouted.

"I can't-- sorry, just--"

The plane swerved. Skips was to the left, then the right, then the left. The necessity of elevating to the next floor. She yelled, "I think I'm going to fall apart and I don't know what to do!"

It was caught in the wind, same as everything else.

Maybe the only reason she was able to talk about it was the fact it wouldn't get heard.

They landed on the next floor, Tieni asked again, and Cent shrugged it off. They had another few dozen deliveries to make, and a whole trip back to the plant to refill in-between. The point of talking to anyone about it was pointless.

The world would move effortlessly on without her if she stopped.

If Cent gave up, it would be back,

back,

back,

back to the chair again

and she wasn't ready for that, either.

When Tuesday night ended, she would start the disk back over at the beginning again, wake up, and try not to hurl herself off the fire escape.