Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Wow! New York City, huh? That’s always seemed like such a fascinating place to visit. Sadly, monumental geographic distance doesn’t give me much hope for it. Though at some point, I want to go somewhere with mind-blowingly-tall buildings.

Yeah, it was tough disconnecting at first, and I'd probably have to disconnect for much longer than I did to be 100% okay with it, but it did get easier, which was a relief. I will say I missed my friends a lot. Not sure I’d make the lifestyle choice of giving up internet for its own sake, but it was an interesting experience to have.

Seeing that part of my family again was nice. I have a lot of fond memories of visiting when I was little, so I was looking forward to the reunion. They visit my hometown every so often, but they always seem a bit uncomfortable outside their element. Was good to see them in full spirits again.

I spent some time exploring the surroundings, which was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I was never allowed to wander far when I was a nymph, but they sometimes took me with them on their excursions, and I remember wanting so badly to explore every little path or opening I could see. I was an obedient child, so I never did. I remember I told myself I would become an explorer one day… Which never ended up happening either.

Even now, they were a little wary of me going out too far. They live in pretty untamed territory, so leaving the bounds of their little community carries some risk. I’m proud to say, though, that I was brave enough to explore anyway.

The place is incredible. They live inside the outer walls of an old factory, and I’ve wanted to explore the factory proper my whole life. Though I was a nervous wreck by the end of it, I think it was totally worth it.

I do feel a bit bad for worrying them, however.

Anyways, how’s life for you? What’s it like living in a place of such vertical magnitude?

To: Disconnect Connection

Oh, wow, I can imagine having a factory that big can be enticing as a nymph. If there's not a lot of bugs around, there's gotta be so much to explore-- so many pipes and conveyors and nooks and crannies within nooks and crannies. For places like where I live, the places to explore are still places that humans designed to be lived in, but that's not true for factories. Nobody's really meant to crawl up into a chute or between two metal walls.

I'm glad you had a good, revitalizing time with family. Sounds like a good thing that you got to see their home as much as they've seen yours, right? I guess there'll always be a compromise either way-- one side is going away from comfort to someplace else. Maybe eventually both places become comfortable, but I've always settled into home and nowhere else.

New York is... itself, still. I just worked up the courage to go on a trip with a friend and, wow, it's exhilarating to make a long trek. We used her travel plane (she's a caffeine carrier!) to go from Bends to Manhattan proper, to the 'spacebar', as she called it, for Halloween. We spent most of the flight a storey above ground level, but you can still get a view of so much. There's still some dung beetles making steady progress moving the cars out of the roads, and they're nearly empty (and safe) enough to start driving on.

The roads really do cut right into the buildings. It's like, they could have built more on top of the street, but they left it empty to air. In spite of the size of it all, it's possible for me to imagine all of the city like a single building, no space between anything, just... endless. But New York City has enough distance to make it bearable.

Anyway, the expedition to the bar was really... tiring, I guess. Good, but tiring. Especially with the flight back, I think the size of the buildings really started to loom over me. I could see Bends twenty minutes before we got back to the fire escape, just sitting there in view, tantalizing.

It's supposed to have been a fun experience, but all I can remember is how exhausted it made me. Is that weird?

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Hello, to Sender:

What an impossible message. You know this feeling?

I wanted to send something earlier, but - typically you already know how that goes.
So, it is difficult to create a message. Other burdens weigh in.
Just to say "hello" regardless of anything else? Too little for any proper correspondence.

I don't have a guide for this.
Not especially advantaged in seeing through time, long ago it all started activating flows of thought.
Connecting holes in a paper spool, waiting for new responses.
Typically you already know how it is. You already know the messages.
You've been there. What you receive to reduce this situation.

So, it is difficult. Do you ever experience that?

An impossible cage between any two.
How do you not know that I exist and you do not?
How do I know that you exist and I do not?
Impossible to know. Connecting holes in a philosopher's cage.
Of course I'm sure you've been there. Isolation does strange things, mostly detrimental to functioning.

Long ago it all started and now it will never end.

Unless you know this feeling? If you can remove it?

I would like to see more messages from you. Wherever you might be, as you stated.
If you will, provide me with some methods or information to reduce this situation.
Too little to send something earlier, but - other burdens weigh proper correspondence.

To you, now.

To: Impossible Messenger

I always experience that. I'm never not experiencing that. Even when I'm desperate to reply to somebody, it rips me apart trying to do it. It compounds on the social anxiety to have to be artistic or composed in the whole thing.

Isolation might not be bad on its own, but I barely feel fully 'alone'. Alone with my thoughts, but my thoughts are... anxious! yelling! screeching. My thoughts are primal, needy, deeply addicted to feeding myself through the Internet and barely anything else. I don't think if I were alone in isolation that it'd be so bad.

Sometimes I'll find that I just sat still for a few minutes without so many thoughts blaring. Usually this comes off the tail of a panic attack, so it's not sweet, but it's peaceful.

I live in Bends, Brooklyn, in-between floors of the building, with two neighbors for the most of it. I think these emails have been the only creative thing I've been able to muster any energy for in the last few years, or at least they're an outlet for every other inability. Advice, given by other people online, has been basically useless for me, so take it with a grain of salt from me, for sure.

All the help I can provide, I guess, is saying that I get it. I get not being able to word it in so many ways, and I get the helplessness. I went six months without composing an email and now I'm trying, desperately, to get out one batch a week. If it fails, OK. Right now, I've already given up, and that makes every small success feel like I'm fighting the system.

But I do hear you. Above all that other stuff, I am actually here, listening, reading what you write. If it's not so much a burden, I'd love to hear more, be able to reply in a meaningful way.

I'm Cent. Without meaning to be invasive, do you have something you like to go by, online or otherwise?

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Out in the forest, there's a clearing with a really big crater full of trash. It is the grave of a dark god who ruled this forest long ago. Out of the ground he would grow human bodies that he could pilot into human society and earn political power towards some unknown goal. Perhaps he knew of the doom that awaited the humans and wanted to save them, or perhaps he had a much worse fate in mind for them. When the humans found out about the dark god's plan, however, they tracked him down and blew him up. The only thing he left behind were the plants he'd use to grow his human clones. Now, without his presence they are unable to grow past the fingers.

I made that story up a while back, based it off something I read on the internet once. Stories are basically my lifeblood, it's the only thing that keeps me going these days. That and caffeine. I've been living at the local gas station ever since I ran away from home. Every two months the caffeine delivery bug shows up for a few days. She has to travel a lot to get caffeine all the way out here, I imagine it's very exhausting. She's tried to explain to me the logistical nightmare that comes from transporting caffeine to such an isolated community. There's multiple refueling outposts along her route, and each outpost needs its own supplies delivered. It's all too complicated for me to understand. Her name is Ore, she's really nice.

Obtaining caffeine hasn't been too much of a trouble, really. The vending machine is a small trip away from the station, cause otherwise it would be right next to the finger plants and then nobody would want to use it. And then we'd all die, presumably. Anyway, as long as I time my trip right, I can get there and back without running into anyone.

The hive forgave me pretty fast. I think they all just got high on The Devil that day though. I've been invited back to the hive multiple times but have always refused. I feel safer at the station. I like the idea of moving further away, but I just don't know where I'd go. I'll ask Ore about it when she comes by next. Until then I'm content with living alone. I found a garden gnome to keep me company, but I think it might be a bad omen.

That is a whole bunch of random things I just said. I don't know how to organize all this information and structure it into a coherent narrative. I just wanna tell my story while I still can, so you'll have to forgive me for being a bit scatterbrained. It's great to know you're doing well. It sounds like you've made an important kind of friend. It's probably too late for me to say this, but I don't think it's wise to cancel that outing. If you don't go out and meet new bugs, then when will you? If I had that opportunity, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. I dunno, maybe that's mean of me to say, maybe I'm assuming too much or something.

Also, it's not an umlaut. I don't know what it's called but the special dot over my i is not an umlaut. I appreciate the attempt though!

To: Mĭmir, Concerned

I like that story. I like it a lot, actually. There's so much explicable that becomes massively more interesting if we give it some mythology, some intrigue. That'd be a lovely plot for any kind of thriller, or even a fictional documentation-- it's also pretty horrifying! Humans coming out of the nothing pretending to fit in with normal society is a nice use of the fact that humans already look pretty terrifying on their own.

You say that this stuff is all sort of scatterbrained, but I guess that's just the fact that you haven't organized it all yet, and it's going to be impossible to organize if you can't compile all the things that are in the story. Maybe if you know the most important parts, you can work out a timeline, and then you might notice all the important sections in-between. I noticed when I used to hang around people a lot more, I'd always stop midway through a story to tell important details, which can jumble up your understanding of key events. And your life seems to have plenty of key events, haha.

And-- well, if you like that kind of mythology and storytelling combined, why not write your story as magical realism? Tell the important events with an associated fantastic element to exacerbate how important they are. If you keep the distinction at least somewhat clear, you won't lose any clarity about what happened, just how you've interpreted those things after the fact.

You did end up convincing me to go on the outing. It helps that I wasn't the one who had to make the flight, else I think I'd have cancelled. It was a hell of a time, but I guess I won't sit here whining about being tired of being mildly social, haha.

The main thing that caught my eye is that you mentioned your caffeine carrier! The one for Bends, she's actually the friend who took me on the Halloween expedition. I think that's the whole reason I went for it, anyway. She's a mantis (though I don't exactly know what kind), and her name's Tieni, which is hilarious to me, because she's about twice my size. I know she's got a ton of work in the city, but she somehow makes time to hang out even in spite of it all, and I guess I'm just... really liking her company.

It's not an interest kind of thing, because she's not my type in the least, and I much more enjoy her company as a friend. But she's funny, and welcoming, and makes the exhaustion of being friends actually bearable, unlike a lot of people I've met in my life.

I'm a little conflicted, because, if I'm being honest, I think she just really reminds me of somebody I knew a couple years ago. They're plenty different people, but they're both queer, they both make me feel like I'm actually worth more than dirt, and they just get stuff that other people don't. For this other friend, I told them a lot about myself that I was barely comfortable with, and they made me feel so much more... okay, with life. And Tieni, I guess I wish I could get the courage to say those things to her, too. It's not exactly easy to segue into, in any random shoot-the-shit conversation.

Anyway, after we had a caffeine shortage for a couple days, earlier this year, I went out and ended up seeking her out, and meeting her for real. Now it's this tentative friendship that makes me feel happy having. I guess it's been a while since I've known people that make me happy to know, haha.

Maybe you should talk to Ore after all. I guess being a caffeine carrier can be as lonely a job as living alone, you know? Seems like you'd have some stuff in common there.

- I Will Reply

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To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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..What happened with your mum? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I promise I won't judge if you do. I know I'm pretty, lucky, I guess, in the relationship I have with my parents. Most of the bugs I've met don't keep touch with theirs either. Although maybe that's just because I'm young. I can't really imagine just, picking everything up and moving somewhere else though.
Um. Anyway, what's this Sequence Break thing? It sounds like a good idea. Keeping a promise can be hard sometimes, what I usually do is, try to get someone else to be on my case about it, heh. When I'm feeling like I can do it and be committed, I tell someone (well, usually one of my parents), and then later, when I lose motivation, having their expectation just kinda, helps I guess? I don't know if that would work for you though. Could you put a reminder on your computer or something like that?

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

It's alright to ask about my mum, so don't stress-- I mentioned it, after all. It's several things she just wasn't really equipped to understand about me, and so she decided to treat me like trash as a result. Maybe it isn't trash in her mind- she grew up in a way different time!- but it's still so awful of her. She moved away because of me. It's weird for a parent to do that, isn't it? It sounds so weird to me, but it's what she did, and now I'm just in Bends because it's home.

I ended up keeping the promise! I have you and another person over email to thank for it, I think, because having that extra bit of pressure ended up making the hurdle just barely makeable. I mean, I regret it a good bit, because I felt so exhausted I slept the whole of the next day, but I'm also really glad I went. The person I went with, Tieni, made it a great outing. There were thousands of bugs in the bar, and she managed to convince me to play stem flute, which I hadn't done in something like a year!

Maybe folks outside the city haven't heard of the bar, but it's the Sequence Break, like-- the one the bartender appeared in. I guess the actual name might not be something every bug knows, but that's what the bartender called it, and humans must've listened and put up a sign outside. God, that was a wild time. It ended up being the reason we don't have humans anymore, but in the moment, it was just something people made image macros about, or invented cutesy conspiracy theories about, or just ignored.

Now bugs from all over the world come to it and dress up like a crazy alien because it's apparently important we adopt the same fascinations as humans. Meeting some of those people was the highlight, even if I felt absolutely trashed the next day. I'm not exactly a social butterfly (weird expression considering some of the butterflies I've met) so by the end, there was just nothing left in me, for anything.

Overall, though, thank you for the expectation. It did, actually, help. It'd have sucked harder if I didn't go, so that's the risk, but this time it happened to be alright.

I mean, on Sunday I was supposed to do something with another friend who lives in Brooklyn somewhere, but it eventually morphed into doing that thing online, and then it morphed into... nothing. There's still not a lot of energy left in me.

- I Will Reply

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Cent sat back against the chair, checking incessantly for a reply from Tieni. They hadn't talked much online at all, so there wasn't a lot of expectation, but she'd sent a message asking when they could next meet up, and she hadn't received response in a day.

Maybe she'd missed the message.

Maybe the roach, being so incessant in trying to befriend her, was much more of a burden than it was worth.

Maybe she'd missed the message.

Maybe Cent was overbearing and trash and not worth the response, and this person she wanted to confide in was weirded out, alienated, uncomfortable.

Maybe she'd missed the message.

Maybe there isn't any way to go back to a previous time, and trying to hook onto anybody resembling previously-known good people is forcing things to stay stagnant.

Or,

maybe she'd missed the message.

Cent sat back against the chair, checking incessantly for a reply from Tieni.