Irregular Pulse

PULSE on 4 | 4102 | 4648, 1294:858

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CYCLES
Broke down crying yesterday, trying to find the batteries in the house.

...I dunno. Nobody was home. Everything just boiled up and it was like it came out of me in a cascade of tears, and I was just curled up in a corner until Mom came home and yelled at me for making a mess.

On edge.

Last cycle I learned that she died- really died- 'cus of some meteorite sailing through space that hit her pod, breached it, shot her out into space. And I heard about it, and it hit me so hard I almost fell over. And now I'm so broken that just the smallest shit gets me off my handle and I crack open and everything just pours out. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't have done anything. I didn't even know her.

But I know she left home like I want to, and I know she was even more experienced than me at fucking everything, better in every way, and she still died because she wasn't paying attention.

She was better than me, and now everyone from that Terrats in my family is dead. Every single one. And now I'm just flying blind.

...Everything hurts.

I just wish I could... take a second, take a breath, but I can't. Have to work or Grandpa thinks I'm a lazy shit. Mom wants me to keep painting but there's nothing to paint. What the hell do I paint? She already painted everything I'd done. Nothing I make is original, where's the passion supposed to fucking come from?!

...

O'Hare's here, at least. Only been on Terrats a few growths but he's so... like... this was his home the whole time, it had to be. But he's usually working on something and I'm almost always working, and Dad doesn't like him one bit, so we... never even have time to hang out. Reminds me of how Tess and Dovʇƶic and Pal just dropped off the map after I did that morse code thing-- three more friends I thought would help and just didn't end up ever helping.

Just want one fucking cycle that isn't awful, but I'll never get it.

Work in a few orbits. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay...