Local Want Ads

I don't know if you guys get a bunch of unrequested papers with solicitations in your mail every week, but I do. Here are some that I'm a fan of, with sensitive information removed for courtesy.

Haircuts $5: Men, women, children. Located to left of XXXX. Open Mon-Sat. Yorkie for sale and vehicles. XXX-XXX-XXXX, XXX-XXX-XXXX

Looking for Someone: to move in and take care of middle-aged, handicapped lady. Room, board, and small weekly salary. No druggies, must be honest and reliable. XXX-XXX-XXXX

Washer and Dryer: Kenmore, large capacity, matching set. Both work good. Approx. 10 years old. $125. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX, leave message, will return your call

Many preachers quote Rom 10:13, but do not touch 10:14! Teach days with ties to paganism for their so called Christianity and not a single one of them corresponds with The Bible! Most carry Bibles and teach promises Christ made to His disciples are promises He made unto them! The Biblical 10 commandments are twisted and made to appear righteous! 250 churches in XXXX, who are not of one mind and heart, yet claim to be a Christian church! Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light, therefore it is no great thing if his ministers are also transformed as the ministers of righteousness whose end shall be according to their works (2Cor 11:13-15)! The devil is now as a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour (1Peter5:8,also please read 1Jn 3:1-24)! So be It!
Ron XXX-XXX-XXXX

Donkey For Sale: Jack. XXX-XXX-XXXX

Something I didn't list: At least 4 calls for "Stump Grinding"

Unsurprising. I am in want of same

wheat. it's extremely difficult to tell if that ad is sarcastic or not

i mean i laughed either way but... i have to know!!!

LOST: EXTRADIMENSIONAL CAT CARRIER, INFINITE CATS
If found please return any escaped cats to the carrier and return to Zzuzu at ΦΔ59 Clarion Lane. My precious babies must be secured or all mortal life will be in peril!!!

i came here looking for local want ads but everyone keeps making jokes :(

if people don't start taking this thread seriously i'm going to start posting things off of craigslist

wildly inappropriate things

Wanted: a loather

Well, Loather, its Wednesday so I got a new batch of 'em in the old mailpocket. A lot of repeats (No Stump Grinding tho, must have gotten handled), but a few new ones.

Single Father, 33: Looking for female companion 30-40. No drugs. No drinking. No dipping. No chewing. Honest, loyal, respectful. Morals and values. Christian faith. Serious inquiries only. Call or text XXXX@ XXX-XXX-XXXX

Old Barn To Be Torn Down: Call XXX-XXX-XXXX

Many so called Christian Churches keep days declared by pagan rulers as honoring Christ, which history shows apostasy. The Holy Bible does not support Christmas, valentine day, Easter servitude and the list goes on much further! Most keep days not in The Bible, then deny The Holy Days that are! Worshiping the beast (Dan 7:25,1Jn 3:8-9), when man's doctrines are taken for truth (Mt 15:9) and The Holy Father's Word (Jn 1:14-Christ) is made as lies (Mt 5:17-19,7:21-23,Mt 24:4-51, Jn 3:16,14:6,15:10,26, Acts 3:23, Rom 1:25, Heb 10:26-29,13:8,Rev 22:18-19)! So Be It!
Ron

no dipping, no double-dipping, no skinny dipping, no dunking, no grand-slams... this guy is strict

thank you mehgamehn

This week was a complete dud. Like the best I got is "Yard Sale Inside", which really is just, I'd be joking about semantics. I did learn something I wouldn't have thought about, that cattle farmers would need "Dead cow removal".

At the very least, tho, I do know my boy Ron is still thumping.

Just maybe some Bible toting scripture quoting God fearing so called Christian minister can give, by The Bible, why some of the Bible is denied? "Example of a few" (Mt 4:4, 5:17-19, 7:21-23, 28:20, Lk 4:4, 6:46, Rev 22:15, 18-19)! Why is your Easter servitude established by man not The Holy Bible? The Holy Father plainly by The Holy Bible gave the exact day even to the hour for His children to observe The Sabbath, Passover, Feast of unleavened bread, Pentecost, Feast of trumpet, Day of Atonement and Feast of tabernacles! Since the Holy Father, The Holy Son and Holy Ghost are one (Jn 10:30, 14:9-11, 1Jn 5:7), then to nullify the Holy Biblical Days is seeking to divide The Holy Father's House (Mt 12:25) by bringing history proven pagan days (Mt 15:9) into thy church worship(apostasy)! So be it! Ron

Like I don't really fully understand what he's getting on about but he's clearly spitting hot fire. It doesn't even feel like the complete thought it feels like someone caught him mid-rant, when he's already got a full head of steam.

sounds like a drunken sermon.

Okay okay let's see what we got this week.

STOP WOOD BEES NOW!: With Wayne's Wood Bee Traps. Keep bee's from drilling holes in your wood decks, houses, barns, outbuildings, etc. Only $15. Call Wayne at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Apr. 27

Salon XXXXX: Has an available booth for rent. If you are an experienced stylist with a following clientele looking for a drama free, faith based salon, give me a call. XXX-XXX-XXXX

Also, the middle-aged handicapped lady from the first post is in need of caretaking again, but they've grown a little lax on their restrictions, as they posted the exact same Want Ad but minus the "No druggies" caveat. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs, and I only included the ad in the first place because of the juxtaposition of the LOOKING FOR SOMEONE headline, which has a certain connotation, matched to what the actual want was. Also the No Druggie part but whatev. The point is there's nothing funny about a disabled person in need of help surviving, and I only giggled at the manner in which it was asked.

And boy do I have a treat for you. Not only do I have this week's Ron...

Some try to have The Holy BIble approve Easter (Acts 12:4) yet man gives the day and way. History does reveal pagans have a feast day unto Ishtar their mother goddess of fertility and brought her and rabbit eggs into the church (apostasy), changed her name to Easter, for the resurrection of Christ on a pagans feast day. The Bible does reveal the beast to think to change times and laws (Dan 7:25). Those that change the truth into a lie, a reprobate mind (Romans 1:21-32), the wise is made foolish (1Cor 1:25-27). Blasphemy is not taught (Mt 12:31), or accepting the beast's changed times and laws (Rev 19:20-21)! The Holy Father's Word (Jn 1:14) did not destroy the law or prophets(Mt 5:17-19)! So Be It! Ron

...but I also found an older paper that has his Valentine's Message.

Valentine's day of love origin. Juno Februata was a Roman goddess of febris (fever) of love and Romans held a feast called Lupercalia on Feb 13th-15th unto her with sacrifices of goats and a dog. As a fertility rite, strips of skin were cut from these and used to strike women who came near. Pope Valentine was beheaded on Feb 14th, 278 c.e., and Pope Gelasius, in 474 c.e., changed the Lupercalia feast of love into St Valentine's day. In 1969 some of the faith disowned because of confusion of authenticity. So Be It! Ron XXX-XXX-XXXX

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

Ron is now my new favorite person.

these passages are spam bots.

From biblical times.

This one has actually been present in every single one of these, but I thought I'd finally give it spotlight.

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE!: John Deere mowers and tractors, like new or barn fresh. XXX-XXX-XXXX

"Like New or Barn Fresh" is just too catchy to NOT make my title.

1982 Bronco: Solid truck. No rust. Runs good. Has not been abused. New seals for top, rear windows and doors. New tie rods and drag linc. $4000 or best offer. XXX-XXX-XXXX. XXXXX

And our star, the single, solitary, shining brightness that is Ron.

When a person accepts that Christians are not under the law and it satisfies their spiritual needs, they have no reason to look further and are content with doctrines of men (Mt 15:9), for such is not written in The Bible! When The Holy Father draws one to Christ (Jn 6:44), the love of truth overcomes the heart (opposite of what many churches teach)! The law of Elohim starts taking hold and gives understanding to the need to obey His every word (Deut 8:3, Mt 4:4, Lk 4:4) and (1Jn 3:4-9)! Then the Truth has set you free from false teaching(Jn 8:31-32,Jn 14:6,15,24)! So be it!
Ron & Jeri

...

WHO THE FUCK IS JERI

Gay lover

Old blue dog

Estranged son trying to reconnect with dying evangelist father

Dennis-style neighborhood menace

One of the vultures that live in his eaves

his parrot that went to one sermon, ONE SERMON, and started rattling off this nonsense

There's nothing good, and frankly I'm feeling like the Ron thing has run its course as far as humor goes. He's mostly saying the same shit at this point, its no longer particularly funny. I'm only including this week's because he apparently calls Jesus "The Jew"???

In 345 C.E Constantine imposed apostasy on the Nicene council to establish Ishtar to be worshipped yearly on the first Sunday after the full moon, not before March 22nd nor later then April 25th! These traditions has The Jew (Jn 4:9) rising nearly a month before He even goes to the cross! Even Gregory's calendar reveals the difference. When man's commandments are taken for doctrines, it is vain worship (Mt 15:9)! Can a so called Christian explain why a day created by man (not by The Bible) is greater than The Holy Passover established by The Holy Father, to whom thou claim to believe and not have pagan origins? So Be It! Ron & Jeri

Jn 4:9, I checked, does refer to Jesus as a jew. It goes like this

The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?”

So like, he definitely cited his source on that one.

Loose Dog: Will the person letting their Great White Pyrenese run loose in XXXXX please contain it. It is damaging property and causing trouble. There is a leash law and it will be reported if you fail to act on this.

Facebook: [local college], 55 and older, Apr. 19-21, only $25. XXX-XXX-XXXX

There's a 1-ton dump for sale, which is some truck that also happens to have a Cummins engine and really I'm just a child.

And a sad one :c

Cancer ended my Restoration Project: 1977 Terry bass boat with 150 HP motor, water speed over 50 MPH, several new parts already purchased. $2,500. Billy, XXX-XXX-XXXX

And as for our old buddy Ron (and Yoko Ono Jeri), they're still thumping, but its not particularly funny. Its the same old same old with them, so just imagine it in your heads. If Ron ever starts spitting true fire again I'll show ya.

but if he wanted ice cream, why didn't he just eat the sandwich instead of throwing it at his brother?

I used to live in Carthage! Maybe I know that sandwich!