Cent's Yuenyeung [ Too Much Tea, Not Enough Coffee ]

Subject: Untitled Draft(7)
To:

I drink a lot of caffeine.

More than most bugs, it turns out, relative to body weight, I think. I mean, I also drink more caffeine than I need. You can pretty easily measure it out, and you can just feel it, too. I drink more than I need to live and it feels just... compulsive, like, of course that's how it is, that's how it's always been for me. My dad, he drinks tea, he always has-- and tea is the kind of thing where, yeah, you just... sit with it, and enjoy it, and use it to unwind, and mellow out, and you bring tea out onto your porch over New York City or whatever and sit and rest with your husband, which is what he does. But my mom, and me, we always drink espresso. I guess that might not mean a lot to some bugs, because... everyone takes caffeine differently, and some people take it, 'I don't care', like, it could be anything on a given day and they'll be okay with it. Espresso is tightly compacted coffee. It's efficient, and easy, and it wires me up.

And I'll be out there, sitting with my dad and his husband, and they give me tea, and we're all sitting there mellowing out, and I guess... I even can mellow out, a little, because there's nothing stopping me. But I always get mad at myself for relaxing like that. And I didn't realize that, for a long time, and I didn't even really get why it was happening until so recently.

I can't be okay with living unless I'm productive. I need to be making things, not just... getting through it, but producing, too. And when I'm trying and failing at that, and beating myself up over it, at least I'm trying. Then there's this whole other voice that comes in when I don't... care about it, for a little while. If I take my eyes off the prize, then she starts yelling at me, she starts tearing me apart, because I'm not miserable.

She's not... me, I don't think. She's not me. I don't think she can be. She's resentful, and spite-filled, and completely primal, and all she's ever cared about is all this nebulous shit I can't explain. But she also knows me better than I do, she knows every time I've done something and fucked up, and she cares if I don't care. Like, the Cent who wants to take a night not worrying about being productive isn't the Cent I want to be, and... I guess... that's the truth, sort of. I hate when I'm feeling okay about things. The Cent that's on the porch looking over New York City and drinking tea is the worst self I can imagine, because everything in my life revolves around being wired on coffee and making things.

I can't argue with that voice, who sits there and makes me feel shitty about every little action I take. It's not even... really present, speaking back, is the thing. It's just watching for any mistake. It's a sentinel. It's Centinel.

More and more, lately, she's made me think that this email project, I Will Reply, is its own kind of tea-drinking, like it's... easy, and relaxing, and less stressful than anything else in my life. It's my escape from everything else. I have a job, and a friend I'm stumbling to keep up with, and I'm stressed out of my mind all the time, and because I'm not stressed out about I Will Reply, because it just happens, Centinel can't fucking stand it! I don't know why, I never have known why. It's not what she wants to be making. It's not her favorite creation we've ever worked on. But it's something, and it makes me happy. Why does being happy over something small make me miserable because it isn't bigger?

Am I just greedy? Am I misguided to hell? When things relax and my brain turns off, there's a little leg that turns it back on, and it's me, and it's me.

I don't get it.

I don't get what to do with myself.

Does it ever get better?

Oh I really like card games! I found some of them when I first started using the internet, and I never really got into any other kinds of video games, but I still play card games sometimes. I dont know why, there's just something about them I like a lot, the way they're so, strategic I guess? That feels like the slightly wrong word. I dont like playing against the computer though. I never tried making any either, sometimes I had random ideas, but it was like making it myself would take all the fun out for some reason
Hey, maybe we could play a game some time! My favourite one is kind of obscure, but it's really cool. It's called 4Spells, and basically, you and the other player use these basic 'elements' to attack eachother and create creatures, but you can also combine them into stronger elements. I dont remember if the site has a way to match up with another specific play though, I hope it does.
I have trouble getting into regular card games, the ones with numbers and suits. Not that I see much of those, only really on rare occasions when cousins visit. They just dont interest me the same way.
What was the card game you thought of making? Tell me about it.

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

I arrived at this little compound community a couple of days before your reply, nearly a full month after my departure from the hive. Ore left to deliver another batch of caffeine pretty much immediately, which was a bit jarring. Does she just not get a day off ever? I'm a bit concerned about it, if I'm honest. She told me she likes the job, so maybe I'm just worrying over nothing. Still, I couldn't possibly imagine spending most of my life just travelling through the same trail over and over again, all alone.

I'm pretty sure I'm only seeing part of the story. I still don't know why Ore didn't return to the gas station that day and Berry had to go pick her up. And Ore's route, while it seems like a big hassle, I think it could be designed better at least. I know real life is different from stories, but it still feels disappointing to leave so many questions unresolved like that. Like I could have gotten a better picture of things if I'd just done things differently.

It was really difficult to talk to Ore along the journey, and I'm realizing how short my conversations with her in the past were compared to other bugs. Spending so much time with her over the past few weeks has made me notice how bad she is at talking. Like, she'll have something interesting to say about something once, but after that there's just nothing but "yeah that's nice" and "uh-huh" whenever I try to bring it up again. It's interesting how you can learn something about someone just by spending a lot of time with them.

I love the idea of trees and fungi being living mountains. Gives an interesting new take on the finger plants and the dark god. And the Ancient One, for that matter. Uh, that's what I called the tree my old hive owns, it's really big and cool-looking. A year ago I probably would have told you that anyone who sleeps near the Ancient One has a chance of being shown a vision of the future in their dreams. I like to imagine that it was at least partly responsible for the dark god's defeat.

A while back, I became a moderator on an online message board, and it has been such a demoralizing experience. I kinda get that feeling of being an imposter at the workplace. Like, I'm constantly making mistakes everyone else is having to make up for, yet my position remains untarnished. It feels unearned. But it's important to recognize that those are just feelings. Usually the mistakes aren't nearly as bad as you think they are, and you rarely make the same mistake twice as long as you make sure to learn from them. I hope you get a handle on things on your end! I can only assure you that what you have now certainly is a job even if you're still in training. Because it's specifically a job that you're training for and (I assume) you're being paid for it.

The possibility of a meetup in meatspace (that's such a strange word) sounds exciting, but I'm not sure how possible that would be. Looking at a map, there's a whole ocean in between us. The distance I covered with Ore over the course of a month seems so insignificant compared to that. Sounds like an adventure, though, I'll see what I can do!

Right, um, this "compound community" as I called it at the start of this letter, it's essentially a big generator that produces fuel for transport vehicles, and a bunch of bugs built a little town around it. There's tons of work being done so everyone is busy all the time. I've been basically left to explore the place freely, provided I don't touch any important equipment. There are all sorts of bugs here. Beetles, ants, roaches, moths, crickets, and bees of all kinds.

While the raw ingredients still have to be shipped over, this is also the where all the caffeine is mixed! And then distributed among the multitude of different isolated communities just like where I came from. Most of them are going in a general northward direction, but there's at least a few eastward caffeine deliveries. Hope I'm explaining this right... This is like almost at the bottom of what was once called Norway, and my old hive is north by about half of the country's length.

To: Mímir, Concerned

I imagine there's a lot to be gained from spending time on the road. It's not a stationary kind of solitude, so maybe it's better than just being cooped up the whole time. But... maybe people just prefer different kinds of things? If I were her, I'd be really happy to have somebody on the road with me, like you were.

Maybe people get more complex the more you know about them. Tieni, I thought she would be exactly like this other person who I was reminded of, but... they're completely different people. And, you know, it just strikes me like crazy every time, like, how couldn't I have seen that? They're obviously different people, with everything different. And the things I liked about one person aren't there on the other person, so I feel frustrated, and it's not even anyone's fault.

I guess for somebody as nice to you as Ore was, maybe it seemed like it would just click, and she'd be more talkative, but people can't suddenly be things besides what they are. It sucks.

The mythology around your hive's tree really is fun, even if it's magical thinking. I hope you keep that style in whatever you write about home.

...And, yeah, you're right about the imposter feeling. I have it now, because when I screw up, it's really easy to notice and know why. But there's also time I spend on my own working on the caffeine batches, and that's when I get psyched out, when there's no external force making sure I know when mistakes are made. From the stuff I've experienced trawling the Internet, there's even more stress involved in something like moderation-- you're not dealing with objects, you're dealing with bugs, with all their emotions and anger and confusion. I admire that you've made it through, but I'm really sorry it's demoralizing. If it's any consolation, I get it.

I moderated some smaller-scale stuff a few years ago and even in those small groups, communication is wild, hard to do. And if you tread too hard, or in the wrong direction, it feels like the world's against you.


Anyway, it's really cool to hear you're at a place that densely populated! And being stuck next to a caffeine plant isn't the worst place in the world, haha. There's plenty of interesting stuff going on in that department. Hopefully there's plenty to explore, and maybe you'll find a good place to set up shop. Are you planning on staying there, at least for a little while? Are there bug homes in the building already? I know that Bends had thousands and thousands built before the Burst, so there was pretty much no lack of room.

And... also... Norway! Norway. I know where that is, but that's more than a world away, it's many many worlds away, at least for how I understand travel to be. Maybe they'll get another big plane running someday, or we'll all learn to teleport. I guess for now we'll have to stay online friends. Small consolation: you're in Norway! Imagining your trip with Ore, I can picture why it was so beautiful.

You weren't just seeing stars, you were seeing a world lit by only them.

I can imagine why humans wanted so badly to see them up close.

- I Will Reply

SEND

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

Oh I really like card games! I found some of them when I first started using the internet, and I never really got into any other kinds of video games, but I still play card games sometimes. I dont know why, there's just something about them I like a lot, the way they're so, strategic I guess? That feels like the slightly wrong word. I dont like playing against the computer though. I never tried making any either, sometimes I had random ideas, but it was like making it myself would take all the fun out for some reason
Hey, maybe we could play a game some time! My favourite one is kind of obscure, but it's really cool. It's called 4Spells, and basically, you and the other player use these basic 'elements' to attack eachother and create creatures, but you can also combine them into stronger elements. I dont remember if the site has a way to match up with another specific play though, I hope it does.
I have trouble getting into regular card games, the ones with numbers and suits. Not that I see much of those, only really on rare occasions when cousins visit. They just dont interest me the same way.
What was the card game you thought of making? Tell me about it.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Well, hey, I actually heard a pretty good explanation for why card games and board games can be more interesting than systems-based video games. When designing one, you really can't take anything for granted. Any mechanic which is too miniscule and unnoticed, and inelegant, you can't keep, because it bogs down everything else. The real key is being clever when you design every aspect, so it's as compact as can be, because you're dealing with physical objects and limits.

That's what was generally fun about card games, the design! I'd usually only get to have a group play a given game once... sometimes a few times, rarely a half-dozen, but only as long as it lasted and was still fun. I was more in touch with friends from when I was young, so it wasn't too hard to organize games online or in-person. I think my favorite kind was hidden-role, but it took a lot to avoid people being hostile over the game, so a lot were just based around theme and mechanics, trying to create interesting stories.

Cards with suits and numbers, though, that's... more difficult. I guess you've got to be even more creative to work inside those bounds, but for me they were never that much fun. Maybe because we used to run family games of poker with my mom and dad, which... haaaaaa.

It's been a long while since I've actually made a game, though. It's... not fun to think about it like that, but I'm trying to stress less. I get antsy about these kinds of things on espresso.

4Spells sounds pretty interesting! I totally wouldn't mind getting a game going sometime. I looked it up and it seems like there's a way to make an account and invite people into a specific lobby? Let me know if you want to give it a try, and I'll sign up.

- I Will Reply

SEND

Subject: Untitled Draft(8)
To:

Tea isn't the worst thing in the world.

"Tea isn't the worst thing in the world," Cent muttered, a world above a world, sitting in a porch chair on the balcony with her father, with the stars which formed the universe glinting faintly through the still-lit city, like nobody had told them to extinguish the harsh electric lights formed years and years ago. She folded her arms up a little, into the chair, and smiled faintly as Sir Penney nodded, poured out that weak-seeming green tea into a cup, handed it to her. There was a chill in the air, though their breaths didn't feel cold.

"Should be hot, still," the older roach chuckled. "That enough?"

She held it between two legs and nodded. "Yeah, definitely. I actually... it's good there's a little space, in the cup." Cent retrieved something from her jacket, to the left-- a small thermal flask, smaller than small, with a little liquid sloshing around. Penney hummed curiously, watching as she spun it open, and poured the lukewarm mixture into her teacup, filling the rest with a murky pale-brown liquid, until it was sufficiently oddened by the addition. The roach sealed her flask, stirred the mixture to satisfaction, and drank from it slow.

Sir Penney nodded briefly, hesitant to ask, then went ahead anyhow. "...is that coffee?"

Cent let a little of the liquid in at a time, like a gently flowing water wheel. The taste couldn't be even approximated with words. It was so new. New to her, new to what she wanted, new to her normal. After a little bit, she put the cup down and responded, rattling off like a typewriter. "Yeah, it was. So now this is yuenyeung. Or, um... kinda. Yuenyeung was Hong Kong milk tea and coffee, like... a very specific mixture, in a very specific part of the world. That's what I learned, anyway. But before the Burst..." She stared down at the swirling cup of tea-coffee approximate. "...when bugs gained sentience, when we first started taking caffeine, I remember reading that Nadezhda drank yuenyeung. I think she was from Hong Kong, before she... went out into space, became a constellation, or... you know, whatever actually happened. And I guess it made sense to me to try it out, because

"...because I guess I'm tired of drinking coffee, all the time. And... stressing, and getting so wired and amped up that if I'm not using that energy, I'm wasting. And I can't just drink tea on its own, and be okay with that, because..." Cent glared off at the skyline. It had been scraped up by a lawnmower decades ago, and now it was poking up in ways it shouldn't have, made of rocket ships that couldn't move. She remembered reading that Nadezhda, the little cockroach in a vessel six billion times her size, went out into space, then out, then out, then out, until she reached the center of the universe-- her inevitable fate back at the center. That was the tale. It never seemed to freak Nadezhda out, how far and far and far away she was from home. She was never addled, the way Cent always was.

"That's not me, either," she said, looking at the steaming teacup her father held, with a little bemusement hanging on his face. "But... I like sitting up here and just sitting with it. I guess I don't ever want that to stop, either. So I need both." Cent held the cup of yuenyeung in her legs, trembling some, because she'd just talked for a while and rattled off nonsense, and took another drink, swallowing the still-hot mixture with weakness. "...I think I need both."

Sir Penney chuckled softly. "Sounds good, then. I can have the caffeine carrier bring mixed coffee-tea, if..." He trailed off, then laughed to himself. "...well, you already probably know how to get that going, if you want to come over with something from the caffeine plant, and you could just ask Tieni, right?"

"Yeah. I'll try and get the actual, real recipe made. It's... seven parts to three parts something, I forget." Cent nodded weakly and smiled. But the weakness wasn't exhaustion, yet. Maybe it wasn't exhaustion, yet. Did she really feel so exhausted at this hour? It was only ten o'clock. Only crazy people got tired at this hour.

"Is it... good?" Penney hesitated, mandibles loose.

The roach nodded again. "...it's pretty good. I guess it's weird, but... it's good."

It was something else.

Exhaustion, thick wave blanket, hurled itself over Cent. She curled up further in the seat until her small cup of yuenyeung had emptied and she felt so, so full. The cool air hung still. She murmured responses to Penney, who talked a small about the trip he and Phial had had, in the morning, headed down to clear up something with someone... all nice, all easy, holding Cent in that embrace of words and calm.

There was,

blissfully,

no Centinel, at the time,

standing at attention, screeching at her to get up, to make

something, anything

because the moment was alright, and enjoying it was alright, and as the glimmering starlight which formed the sheets wrapped around Cent, she let herself enjoy the quiet moment.

Everything wouldn't magically be okay. She knew things could still get bad, and they probably would, too. She could never live with herself if she sat in a corner for an eternity, never doing the things she wanted to, and needed to. But it wasn't the worst to drink from the other side of the tracks as often as she avoided it. It wasn't the worst to doze half-off into dreamscape, and to let Sir Penney softly put an actual blanket over her in the chair, and to

let

the night

go.

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

So a long time ago, in the days when the hive was still ruled by a queen, I was but a humble drone passing the time by making stories. I was often referred to as the "Royal Talespinner," and a bee with a particular talent for performing would sometimes host events where they told my stories to the others. The first story that really caught on was the story of the Ancient One. The tree that would pick the most "worthy" sleeper every night and give them a vision of the future. It was a vague kind of worthiness that didn't really mean anything once you thought about it. But when that vague kind of worthiness exclusively applies to the bug you've been hard-wired to adore and have been working for your whole life, you kind of don't really think about it.

One day I pointed at a patch of mushrooms growing by the gas station and said that they looked a lot like human fingers. I made a whole ton of stories about them. Sometimes they were growing on top of a grave, inheriting the genes of the human that was buried there. Other times they were actually blades of grass, cast out of grass society due to their appearance. Most recently they were minions of the dark god. I guess I was the only one really enjoying playing with that concept, the rest of the hive just wanted me to stick to one explanation.

When I found out that there was a family of ants living out in the forest, my imagination went wild. I started telling stories of this team of superheroes with diverse powers and colorful personalities, saving the day from the dark god and other such malignant entities. Every week a new monster, a new battle, and a new valuable life lesson learned. I know it sounds awfully formulaic but the important part is it was a lot of fun. What the hive got from these stories, though. was that the ants in the forest were all witches.

I think the finger plants and the "witches" have essentially served as scapegoats for many of the tragedies that have occurred in that area over the years. Just last year, this butterfly named Kron (mentioned him briefly in a previous email) went missing in a snow storm. Most likely he was caught off-guard by a strong gust of wind that buried him in snow and suffocated him. Winter is such a harsh season, especially this far north, it's no wonder some bugs decide to just sleep through it all. But despite that, it was the "witches" in the forest that the hive blamed.

There is so much more I have to say about Kron, but this letter is getting way too long so it'll have to wait. I hate to keep talking about the hive when I tried to leave it behind over a month ago, but I have to get this off my mind eventually or it'll just keep gathering dust. I haven't moved anywhere since my last email. The last few days have been pretty bizarre to be honest, I haven't really made a decision on where I'm going next. I've tried to think of a way I could cross the ocean without dying to weather, waves, or starvation. It seems like such an impossible problem, but I'm not giving up yet. If all else fails, maybe I can just ask the tractor ants to build me a flying tractor. That's all from me for now.

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

Yeah, that’s the funny thing about the Internet! We’re so far away that the time it would take to get to you is barely imaginable, and yet we can talk. The world is so much bigger for us than it was for humans.

It’s almost like those stars you mentioned : )

The Station was set up by ants! It’s just … there were a few more of us around then? It was right after the Burst. I don’t think anyone alive back then really knew what was happening or what was going to happen, and that must have felt like possibility as well as confusion.

Anyway, the area we’re in was a human hotel. Every morning people would emerge and sweep away the sand that blew in from the desert to cover the walkways. Ants were never able to establish much of a settlement there. But suddenly they were all gone and a new dune system was forming in/around the hotel, and that’s when ants decided to set up the research station. But I don’t think it was the only grand project that was started in those days, that wasn’t really followed through on.

They only sent me out here because I asked, you know? There’s nominal support from the colonies out on the plain, and nominal government support beyond that. But bugs are busy and there aren’t too many of us.

We have some really cool devices here for studying wind currents, though! Sure do get a lot of wind around here.

Well, how are things over on your end of this connection?

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

So a long time ago, in the days when the hive was still ruled by a queen, I was but a humble drone passing the time by making stories. I was often referred to as the "Royal Talespinner," and a bee with a particular talent for performing would sometimes host events where they told my stories to the others. The first story that really caught on was the story of the Ancient One. The tree that would pick the most "worthy" sleeper every night and give them a vision of the future. It was a vague kind of worthiness that didn't really mean anything once you thought about it. But when that vague kind of worthiness exclusively applies to the bug you've been hard-wired to adore and have been working for your whole life, you kind of don't really think about it.

One day I pointed at a patch of mushrooms growing by the gas station and said that they looked a lot like human fingers. I made a whole ton of stories about them. Sometimes they were growing on top of a grave, inheriting the genes of the human that was buried there. Other times they were actually blades of grass, cast out of grass society due to their appearance. Most recently they were minions of the dark god. I guess I was the only one really enjoying playing with that concept, the rest of the hive just wanted me to stick to one explanation.

When I found out that there was a family of ants living out in the forest, my imagination went wild. I started telling stories of this team of superheroes with diverse powers and colorful personalities, saving the day from the dark god and other such malignant entities. Every week a new monster, a new battle, and a new valuable life lesson learned. I know it sounds awfully formulaic but the important part is it was a lot of fun. What the hive got from these stories, though. was that the ants in the forest were all witches.

I think the finger plants and the "witches" have essentially served as scapegoats for many of the tragedies that have occurred in that area over the years. Just last year, this butterfly named Kron (mentioned him briefly in a previous email) went missing in a snow storm. Most likely he was caught off-guard by a strong gust of wind that buried him in snow and suffocated him. Winter is such a harsh season, especially this far north, it's no wonder some bugs decide to just sleep through it all. But despite that, it was the "witches" in the forest that the hive blamed.

There is so much more I have to say about Kron, but this letter is getting way too long so it'll have to wait. I hate to keep talking about the hive when I tried to leave it behind over a month ago, but I have to get this off my mind eventually or it'll just keep gathering dust. I haven't moved anywhere since my last email. The last few days have been pretty bizarre to be honest, I haven't really made a decision on where I'm going next. I've tried to think of a way I could cross the ocean without dying to weather, waves, or starvation. It seems like such an impossible problem, but I'm not giving up yet. If all else fails, maybe I can just ask the tractor ants to build me a flying tractor. That's all from me for now.

To: Mímir, Concerned
 
 
 
 
 
 
- I Will Reply

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

Yeah, that’s the funny thing about the Internet! We’re so far away that the time it would take to get to you is barely imaginable, and yet we can talk. The world is so much bigger for us than it was for humans.

It’s almost like those stars you mentioned : )

The Station was set up by ants! It’s just … there were a few more of us around then? It was right after the Burst. I don’t think anyone alive back then really knew what was happening or what was going to happen, and that must have felt like possibility as well as confusion.

Anyway, the area we’re in was a human hotel. Every morning people would emerge and sweep away the sand that blew in from the desert to cover the walkways. Ants were never able to establish much of a settlement there. But suddenly they were all gone and a new dune system was forming in/around the hotel, and that’s when ants decided to set up the research station. But I don’t think it was the only grand project that was started in those days, that wasn’t really followed through on.

They only sent me out here because I asked, you know? There’s nominal support from the colonies out on the plain, and nominal government support beyond that. But bugs are busy and there aren’t too many of us.

We have some really cool devices here for studying wind currents, though! Sure do get a lot of wind around here.

Well, how are things over on your end of this connection?

To: Aoiphyrgana, Part Of Things
 
 
 
 
 
 
- I Will Reply

Centinel spoke on the phone.

"I feel like dead weight," she muttered. "I wish you were in town for Christmas."

Mom didn't say a word. The line felt dead. The terrible microphone/speaker connection must have garbled her voice up too hard. The room was breathing. Would it matter if she spoke back? It'd be terrible to hear. Only Centinel spoke to her mom anymore, not Cent.

Slumped back against the chair. "I tried yuenyeung, and tried drinking it more, a little, but it's... I mean, it's okay. I guess the idea behind it is what I actually cared about. And that feels like a waste of time, too. I guess." Uncertainty filled the little roach. The ceiling caved itself up.

"I think you need a night to just sit back," Cent said to Centinel. She laid flat on the floor waiting for the night to go by. The line fell dead to upstate.

"Can't do that," Centinel reiterated.

"You deserve it."

"You don't deserve it," the shadow of a bug murmured, leaning further against the deck. Was Mom on the line at all? Was she speaking to nothing? "You're shitty at realizing that. Even when you're halfway through the worst time you've ever had, you decide to change the name of the project and call it good, like you're changing direction. It's still I Will Reply."

Cent sat back against the floorboards harder. The ceiling wanted to melt in. Pay attention to the world, bug. "...why are you bringing it up, still."

"Because what else IS THERE?!" Centinel screeched.

"A-Anything."

The shadow crawled around her chair until it broke, too, like the rest of the apartment.. She tore herself over the furniture as it fell apart, and ripped the monitor out from its screws. "Name one thing that makes you happy besides making. Not a fucking thing, Cent! You CAN'T BE happy without it."

"I'm w-working on it," Cent begged.

"You left behind the best thing that ever happened to you."

She jittered. She wanted to fall further into the floor.

"...and you'll leave this one behind, too."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You worked on that two months ago. When's the last time you made progress?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"I don't think it's crazy to want a break."

What was Cent fooling herself for? Mom wouldn't pick up, and she wouldn't want to call. There wasn't any reason for it. Maybe she would just use the faded human's holiday to turn off her brain for another few days, and maybe she'd try not to hurt herself thinking about it. There would be no need for a roach on the run tonight, or tomorrow.

She sat weak in her chair and let herself seep into the tea.

Hey Cent its like , midnight or something, i menat to tell you the box opened afew days ago!!! Jsut as the sun rose, it just opened all on its own, one of the sides that were mangetic swung open, and inside was this teeny human!! It wasn't an actual humna but it scared me for a moment, but it was just plastic. It started spinning sloqly while this tune play ed out of this stand it was on. It was so weird!! To see this human up close, just twirlinging with its hands in the air. I watched it for at least 10 minutes. The music was weird too, it was kindof squished, but swaying from place to place, i don't thinn i would be able to hum it.
Also what you said about card games makes a lot of sense, that's a good awy to describe it. With the miniscule and clever design and stuff. We shoudl toally have a game!! I dont remember how to set up a lob by though. Earliwr today my parents were like "oh you're growing up so fast" with the festival plan and going out and exploring and finding thinga out about the world and stuff, and we had this little celerbation. We've never done something like it beforw but i think the box reminded them of aoemthing. They cooked some special food, like with honey, we almost never have honey, and they found this old song online and played it and danced with eachother, and then we all sat together and read from this book i liked when I was younger, this one about the really tall tree that led to this fantastical land at the top. It was a bit embarrassing but it was also really nice. Ummm. I don't remember what i was saying. Lemme read back.
Oh yeah so, after that they took out this bottle and poured this kind yellowish, bubbly drink, and gave me some. It was funny, but I liked ot, so i had some more. They said it might make me feel a bit weird in a bit and i fidint know what they meant, but i think i do now. Its all like, a bit fuzzy,like im still asleep, but also i think that might be because its late and i should probably go to sleep. I feel good thougg, like, really content.
Well appearnetly that took an hour to write so i should really sleep now, but i wanted to reply to you. Hope youre good Cent, good night.

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

So a long time ago, in the days when the hive was still ruled by a queen, I was but a humble drone passing the time by making stories. I was often referred to as the "Royal Talespinner," and a bee with a particular talent for performing would sometimes host events where they told my stories to the others. The first story that really caught on was the story of the Ancient One. The tree that would pick the most "worthy" sleeper every night and give them a vision of the future. It was a vague kind of worthiness that didn't really mean anything once you thought about it. But when that vague kind of worthiness exclusively applies to the bug you've been hard-wired to adore and have been working for your whole life, you kind of don't really think about it.

One day I pointed at a patch of mushrooms growing by the gas station and said that they looked a lot like human fingers. I made a whole ton of stories about them. Sometimes they were growing on top of a grave, inheriting the genes of the human that was buried there. Other times they were actually blades of grass, cast out of grass society due to their appearance. Most recently they were minions of the dark god. I guess I was the only one really enjoying playing with that concept, the rest of the hive just wanted me to stick to one explanation.

When I found out that there was a family of ants living out in the forest, my imagination went wild. I started telling stories of this team of superheroes with diverse powers and colorful personalities, saving the day from the dark god and other such malignant entities. Every week a new monster, a new battle, and a new valuable life lesson learned. I know it sounds awfully formulaic but the important part is it was a lot of fun. What the hive got from these stories, though. was that the ants in the forest were all witches.

I think the finger plants and the "witches" have essentially served as scapegoats for many of the tragedies that have occurred in that area over the years. Just last year, this butterfly named Kron (mentioned him briefly in a previous email) went missing in a snow storm. Most likely he was caught off-guard by a strong gust of wind that buried him in snow and suffocated him. Winter is such a harsh season, especially this far north, it's no wonder some bugs decide to just sleep through it all. But despite that, it was the "witches" in the forest that the hive blamed.

There is so much more I have to say about Kron, but this letter is getting way too long so it'll have to wait. I hate to keep talking about the hive when I tried to leave it behind over a month ago, but I have to get this off my mind eventually or it'll just keep gathering dust. I haven't moved anywhere since my last email. The last few days have been pretty bizarre to be honest, I haven't really made a decision on where I'm going next. I've tried to think of a way I could cross the ocean without dying to weather, waves, or starvation. It seems like such an impossible problem, but I'm not giving up yet. If all else fails, maybe I can just ask the tractor ants to build me a flying tractor. That's all from me for now.

To: Mímir, Concerned

Royal Talespinner is a pretty great title, but it isn't quite a name, so I'm glad you got a proper one after all. It seems like to a lot of those bees, you weren't just telling stories, you were providing explanation for things that confused and terrified them, and giving them justification for things they already wanted to believe. I mean, if the hegemony of your hive was already being called 'worthy', now they had one more propagandist telling the people the same.

Not that you were a propagandist! But for things like the ant witches in the forest, you saw sooner than anyone how that kind of scapegoating could be harmful. For you, the stories of the finger-shaped-mushrooms were fun in a rainbow of ways, with every explanation giving its own twist on the idea... more stories than explanations. But maybe the rest of your people were looking to you to make sense out of a senseless world.

I mean... it's senseless to have a friendly bug die because of weather too big to comprehend. I hear stories of us dying in the New York storm drains all the time, at least pre-Burst. If we never knew better, or we never wanted to confront how shitty the world can be, a group of mystical people in the forest being behind everything is comforting, in its own backwards way.

Sorry about Kron, regardless. I don't mind at all you talking about the folks in your life, if it helps work through the things you've experienced. And I'd also say it's okay not to know where you're going next! I was mostly kidding about meeting up, given the distance. I think the world's made to be isolated a lot more nowadays, and there's not a lot to be done about it.

I'm sorry I didn't send mail last week. It's been a little bit complicated lately, but that's no excuse, because it always feels this way. I hope you have a good start to your new year, seeing as so much else has been new for you, haha.

...Good luck with all the new, Mímir. I know it's a lot.

- I Will Reply

SENT

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

Yeah, that’s the funny thing about the Internet! We’re so far away that the time it would take to get to you is barely imaginable, and yet we can talk. The world is so much bigger for us than it was for humans.

It’s almost like those stars you mentioned : )

The Station was set up by ants! It’s just … there were a few more of us around then? It was right after the Burst. I don’t think anyone alive back then really knew what was happening or what was going to happen, and that must have felt like possibility as well as confusion.

Anyway, the area we’re in was a human hotel. Every morning people would emerge and sweep away the sand that blew in from the desert to cover the walkways. Ants were never able to establish much of a settlement there. But suddenly they were all gone and a new dune system was forming in/around the hotel, and that’s when ants decided to set up the research station. But I don’t think it was the only grand project that was started in those days, that wasn’t really followed through on.

They only sent me out here because I asked, you know? There’s nominal support from the colonies out on the plain, and nominal government support beyond that. But bugs are busy and there aren’t too many of us.

We have some really cool devices here for studying wind currents, though! Sure do get a lot of wind around here.

Well, how are things over on your end of this connection?

To: Aoiphyrgana, Part Of Things

Yeah, it is a lot like the stars. I guess it's been on the mind a lot lately, but the fact that we're sitting on a planet of unimaginable magnitude, separated from everything by unimaginable distance... it feels like we're all planets in the vacuum, even if we're all down here on Earth. Maybe that's just the condition of being alive, being separated.

The Research Station sounds different than I first pictured it! Makes plenty of sense that a place like that would be a nice home for a colony, though. Even in a desert, there's a lot you can do to remedy isolation, so I'm happy for you, having ants to keep you company. Does the building extend 'underground' now that the dunes have had time to move?

And, ooh, you measure wind currents? Does that mean you help predict weather? That stuff has always amazed me. I imagine that if you go into studying wind, it could be just as interesting as any other study-- it's responsible for so much of what shapes the world around us. Buildings and bridges were built by humans taking wind into account, and dunes are shaped by wind. I love the little chaos of it. I can imagine New York as bustling as the wind, but those days are long, long gone.

Things are mostly okay over here. I'm headed out to meet a friend for New Year's soon, so the emails are a little rushed, but I'm happy to be sending them out! Last one of this year, for me at least... though I guess it's probably long past that point for you by the time you'll get this, haha.

I started drinking yuenyeung sometimes, which is a mix of milk tea and coffee. It was part of some kind of weird... metaphor thing, I guess. It's a taste that grows on you, though! Weirdly, neither taste gets in the other's way, they just... coexist. It's kind of magical, if you don't mind something super weird. I might stick to mocha mostly, but...

...I guess we'll see!

- I Will Reply

SENT

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

SpoilerShow

Hey Cent its like , midnight or something, i menat to tell you the box opened afew days ago!!! Jsut as the sun rose, it just opened all on its own, one of the sides that were mangetic swung open, and inside was this teeny human!! It wasn't an actual humna but it scared me for a moment, but it was just plastic. It started spinning sloqly while this tune play ed out of this stand it was on. It was so weird!! To see this human up close, just twirlinging with its hands in the air. I watched it for at least 10 minutes. The music was weird too, it was kindof squished, but swaying from place to place, i don't thinn i would be able to hum it.
Also what you said about card games makes a lot of sense, that's a good awy to describe it. With the miniscule and clever design and stuff. We shoudl toally have a game!! I dont remember how to set up a lob by though. Earliwr today my parents were like "oh you're growing up so fast" with the festival plan and going out and exploring and finding thinga out about the world and stuff, and we had this little celerbation. We've never done something like it beforw but i think the box reminded them of aoemthing. They cooked some special food, like with honey, we almost never have honey, and they found this old song online and played it and danced with eachother, and then we all sat together and read from this book i liked when I was younger, this one about the really tall tree that led to this fantastical land at the top. It was a bit embarrassing but it was also really nice. Ummm. I don't remember what i was saying. Lemme read back.
Oh yeah so, after that they took out this bottle and poured this kind yellowish, bubbly drink, and gave me some. It was funny, but I liked ot, so i had some more. They said it might make me feel a bit weird in a bit and i fidint know what they meant, but i think i do now. Its all like, a bit fuzzy,like im still asleep, but also i think that might be because its late and i should probably go to sleep. I feel good thougg, like, really content.
Well appearnetly that took an hour to write so i should really sleep now, but i wanted to reply to you. Hope youre good Cent, good night.

To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Oh, wow, Dalorh, you're probably a little tipsy, haha. You gotta be careful with that stuff (it's alcohol) especially if you aren't really carefully measuring your current body weight, and even then, stuff can vary between different bugs. It's like caffeine, if your parents have taught you much about how to take it on your own. Definitely ask them about it if you're still curious by tomorrow.

I've got to head out pretty soon, so I can't make for longer mail, but it sounds like it's been a good New Year's! Hope you're good, too. Goodnight!

- I Will Reply

SENT

"What do you think?" Tieni asked, her head crooning a little. The city was lit up on the muddy firelight of electric lamps, again, like every other night, but now the lamps were, themselves, electrifying. Cent didn't really know how long it was until midnight, but for the past while, it'd felt like it was within seconds of every waking moment.

Or, maybe, they were overdue by hours. It felt a lot like that, too, like they'd overstepped, and that nothing really mattered, like they were long past the point of understanding themselves or the year they'd just had. Maybe Tieni didn't feel that way, but Cent certainly did. Her chitin shuddered in open air, and she was tempted to dangle her legs off the wide openings of the fire escape, but instead she simply rested against the railing, safe and sound.

"I think it's kinda meaningless, but it can mean some things to some people if they want it to," she answered, in a weakened kind of fashion.

Tieni chittered. "That's pretty generic."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well," Tieni said, swivelling her head over to face Cent. "I've stayed awake overnight for about thirty of these things, and those are some of the most memorable nights. But then you wake up, and it's still the thing like before." Her mantis arms shrugged. "It's just a holiday. Could be just as crap as anything the year before, but certainly won't automatically be the fixer."

Cent nodded, not averting her gaze, much. "I'm trying to fix my life a little, bit by bit."

"Yeah?" the mantis asked.

"...but when I try to be optimistic about that, or pessimistic, it seems like it bounces the other way." She finally broke eye contact, and stared down at the street, a mile-feeling below. "So I'm kind of just... nothing, about it. I think every day feels like New Year's. Good, until the morning, and then the same."

Tieni nodded slow, and went back to looking out, like a bird was trying to scoop them up, and she needed to keep watch. Her eyes reflected everything. "We're bad at judging ourselves."

"Yeah."

"...yeah."

"And we can get better at judging ourselves, but it takes a long time, Cent. A lot of years, and New Years, gotta go by."

Cent swiveled slightly against the metal. "It sounds better said like that."

"It gets better. Even if you don't say it like that," the mantis murmured. "I've had so many revelations and downfalls and pits and peaks, it's too much. Things have to get better if you keep improving them, even if you can never tell."

New York pulsated quietly. Cent felt the new year tick over. "I think this is an improvement," she managed.

"This?"

"You," she said. "You're... an improvement in my life, over how it used to be. For what that's worth."

Tieni grinned with her mandibles. "Worth a lot, I think. Thank you."

Jittering with caffeine shakes, Cent chuckled happily, letting her coffee-addled self drip further into the night, until long after she had time to sleep. For that night, at least,

the bug would show no sign of stopping herself dead.

To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

I only spoke with Kron a few times before he disappeared, but from what I remember, he was a very chipper bug. Perhaps part of it was a mask he put on to hide his own problems, I'll never know. Regardless, he was always very pleasant to talk to. And I guess I regret not talking to him more. Maybe we could have been really good friends.

The place I find myself today doesn't have a name, so I'm not sure what to call it. To the bugs here, it's just "home". It doesn't quite feel like a home to me yet. Even though I have celebrated both christmas and new years with the people here, I still feel like I don't belong. Maybe it's just that I'm not a working bug right now, if I were to start pulling my weight around here I might feel a bit more like I fit in. Or maybe it's just what happened that's messing with me a bit.

I found Kron's family. They didn't know. Nobody here knew until I told them, right before christmas. I guess Ore just didn't tell them? Then again, Ore apparently just leaves to deliver the next batch of caffeine right away. It's been a bizarre couple of weeks, to be honest. I'm almost glad you skipped a week, gave me some more time to process the situation.

Still no progress on crossing that ocean. I've pretty much ruled out every form of transportation that's available to me. I think technically I can make the trip, but unless I can do so without most likely dying in the process, I'm just gonna stay here for the time being. That's where I'm at right now. Hope you're doing well.

Oh geeze, i'm really embarrassed reading over that message again. Sorry about that Cent. Now that I know what alcohol is, and getting drunk, I really wish I hadn't stayed up so late that night, my head was aching in the morning. I did enjoy that night, but I'll try to send something before drinking next time instead of the other way around next time, heh.
You know, I've been mentioning my parents a lot recently, but I haven't told you much about them, have I? They mostly let me do my own thing, don't ask much of me, but they're always willing to listen whenever I find or want to ask about something. My dad tells a lot of jokes, though they aren't very good ones most of the time. My mum likes wood carving, and makes little sculptures every now and then. She's very careful and takes a lot of time to make each one, but they're very nice. There's this one I keep in my room of a bird with it's wings raised and on one leg, like it's about to jump into the air. It looks so delicate, but it's actually really durable. I feel like I should talk to her more about it, but to be honest I just don't find it that interesting. Which is a bit weird, really, because I find most things interesting, but not wood carving for some reason.
I've mentioned you to them a few times, mostly when asking questions about other things. I'm pretty sure they think you're like a professor or something teaching me, which I guess you kind of have in a way. They're both very supportive of me chatting with you, although they're just pretty supportive in general.
Um.
I know you said it was fine, but after writing all that I feel a little bad that I probably reminded you of your parents. It really sucks your mother wasn't kind to you. I hope you have a good dad, at least? You don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want to. I think parents should always care about their children. Even if they end up separating i think it should be on good terms, at least. I want to move out at some point, but I'd hope that we'd stay close enough to like, visit eachother. Although actually, I don't think they'd mind if I did stay either. They never ask about it, not even when they were talking about me growing up. But, i don't know, I feel like I can't just live in this one place for the rest of my life. I think I'd get bored. It feels really cold to use that word to talk about living with my parents, but. I don't know. It's the truth, I think.
...Anyway we should agree on some time to play a game of 4spells. When do you have free time? Our timezones are mostly the same I think, so that shouldn't be much of a problem.

In the moment, Cent felt like the pain in her abdomen was like a circle of matchsticks. Every little thought would get her mind ratcheted up, and another stick would start orbiting. She couldn't get the imagery out of her head, just struggled to light them in time, casting them off into puddles of the street. She was in that pre-sleep hallucination, that time where everything's so vibrant and quick, where thoughts like nausea like anxiety like fear could thrive, dart left and right, exist for long enough to add a tick of worry to her without staying long enough to be disputed.

A panic attack would have no issue keeping a bug awake for hours, deep and deep into a night with no ending.

The monitor was firelight to a mind driven insane by isolation.

"Too much tea, not enough coffee," Cent chuckled, musing a little bit, her body language half-limp and half up. But she felt so composed, even as she felt decomposed, and with her wings folded under her, and her body leaning on the metal rungs of her dad's balcony. He was seated not far away, sipping at- of course- his own tisane.

"Thought you were trying to balance those more?" he said, his mandibles making a smirk.

"Yeah." She stared down into the yuenyeung in her two upper legs. "I just...  don't know. I had a weird week, past few weeks. I got really into old golf videos and stayed up all night watching humans play golf."

Sir Penney nodded. "Like you were talking about. The ants on the golf course."

"Right, and I got really into it," she muttered, still laughing. She was looking off. Maybe right now her mind was supposed to be elsewhere, but it didn't feel like it was... anywhere. "So my sleep has been pretty awful. And since I'm just gorging on tea the whole time, I'm not doing the... email thing at all, or making any headway with that card game I was doing."

"Still at the caffeine plant?" Penney asked. "Is Tieni still there?"

Cent bobbed her head from side to side. "Yes to both. I guess. I'm so zoned out all the time, just kind of trying to go one step at a time. I'm kind of crushing on this girl who does the flight machine refueling, so."

Her dad lit up, warm-- softly laughing. "Oh, that's nice to hear. Is she...?"

"I dunno. I don't know if I'm actually invested or I'm just trying to prove to myself I'm still gay." The roach chuckled with Penney. "Um, but... hanging out with Tieni is still really nice. I'm doing okay. But it still feels like..." She swished the thermos of yuenyeung from side to side, feeling the half-full liquid move around. "...too much tea, not enough coffee."

Sir Penney tilted his head a little bit. He had been getting a little better at knowing what questions to ask. "Do you think coffee-brain would be happy with even a little tea?"

She sighed. "...No, I guess not."

"It seems like you're going to have weeks where you relax, and that's okay, Cent." He threw up his arms with some drama, then went back to take another sip of his tea.

"That's good advice, I guess," Cent said, staring back off at the city, with head still cloudy. "God, but when you get into it, and you have to put the inspirational quote stuff into practice, it feels so hard, and... meaningless, and cloudy, and random. Some days I feel totally hopeless, some days it's great, sometimes I'm just... nothing."

Her dad, without a sage chunk in his chitin, just nodded and let the moment sit for itself. After a beat had passed, and the wind had passed over, too, he spoke with no lack of caution. "Well, if you're nothing right now, I'm still glad you're here."

"...thanks, Dad."

The night was unenviable. It would not go gentle. Cent felt a lack of any good wisdom, but the feeling that she was still present in her own body, and for a little while, maybe it would be good to stop thinking about anything else.

Hey.

So, it's been a while. I guess it's a little awkward to just, send this to you, but i started thinking about this again a few days ago, and i just, don't want to be stopped by awkwardness from doing something I want to do. So.

A lot's happened since I last spoke to you. I did end up going to that festival with my parents' friend, his name is Azade. I hadn't spent too much time with him before, but he was very nice, he pointed out landmarks to me on the way there and told me about them. The festival was going for a week, I think, and we arrived around the middle. Azade helped me find a place to camp (I've gone camping a few times before, I don't remember if I ever told you that) with a few of his friends that could help show me around the area, they were cool. They'd all been there often. I ended up spending some time with these old bugs who were lovely, they had all been friends for many years. They'd brought a bunch of food they cooked and shared it with me, and I asked them about the Sequence Break. They told me a lot of stories, some of them even played musical instruments while singing. You told me about it and I've looked some stuff up but I don't think it really hit me until that moment just how important it was. I live pretty out of the way, I don't think I've ever been in a city, but I still see signs of humans around, sometimes literal signposts. And that'd become normal to me, but to think that there used to be so many humans around creating and using and maintaining and consuming everything thats just part of the background now... it's hard to imagine. And then they all just left. And now there's just us.

I did end up opening that coloured box I mentioned finding, there was a panel on it that I had to press down while pulling one of the other sides. Inside was this plastic figure, a little smaller than me, which spun on a pedestal while music played. The music was a bit scratchy, I think from how old it was. But there was something about it that was really nice and charming, just this little dancer in a box. I think it was a present to someone. I felt really curious about why it had been in that tree where I found it, but I know there's no way I'll ever be able to truly know, heh. So I just imagine what could've happened instead.

I also kind of met someone at the festival who I got on with really well, and I've seen them a few times since. We're not in a relationship, but it's nice to hang out with them. They have a hobby in engineering, which is something I've never really done thought about but it's very interesting. I've been talking to them a lot online as well, and

fff I don't know if any of this is interesting to you, sorry. I just felt like I should tell you. I'm guessing a lot's happened for you too. I hope you're doing well. I feel really bad I didn't write to you before now, I don't know if it makes sense to feel that way. I like talking to you and seeing what you write, idk I felt closer to you than other people I've met online. And I get the impression having other people interact with you, converse with you, helps you with motivation and stuff, you might've said as much I don't remember. I guess it's kind of weird to say but I, liked knowing that I was helping you, with that. Sorry if that's presumptuous. But the thing about online relationships is that it takes effort to keep them up, and I'm honestly a pretty lazy person sometimes. That's why it took me so long to write this, I've been intending to for month to be honest. I don't really know what the point of this email is, you don't have to keep replying like before. I guess I don't even know why you stopped, I'm just assuming you lost motivation. I really hope nothing bad happened to you, but I don't want to think about that much. I guess I just wanted to let you know that, I'm still here, I guess. I miss talking with you, Cent. And I'm open to hearing anything you have to say, if you want.

Also I know some of the stuff I've said in this email is kinda self-deprecating but don't like, guilt yourself for my sake or anything. I understand that sometimes there just isn't a particular reason to not reply for several months, that's what I've been feeling for a while as well.