[NSFW] LET'S PLAY MEET N' FUCK KINGDOM

WARNING: STRONGLY NSFW
DOUBLE WARNING: I WROTE THIS AT LIKE, FIVE AM


Meet N' Fuck Kingdom is an adult relations simulator released by user VladimGod to newgrounds.com on November 13th, 2009. It received the 1st place daily feature, as decided by user votes. It has received such positive acclaim as

"No way that guy fucked 3 girls all lined up ong i wish i could be that guy"

and

someone come to my door my vigina is ready i can feel it shaking

from users of the site. But can this game (the sixteenth in the much-vaunted meet n' fuck series) really live up to expectations? There's only one way to find out, so... let's play!



Ah, it appears this game begins in medias res, that's cool, that's cool. It is a tried and tested thematic device and already I am drawn into this narrative tapestry



So she's wearing those clown shoes with the hooks in the bottom I guess?



OH YEAH SURE INVITE YOURSELF IN. Also, "Murton"?



What follows is one of the main "gameplay" thrusts (dohoho) of meet n' fuck kingdom: a dialogue section where you have to click one of three options and if you're wrong there's no penalty and you just reclick until you get the right one. R U HOT YET



Anyway I'm going to skip most of this part because the only funny part is the "HAWW!?" sound she makes when you get it wrong and the "HNNNG!?" sound when you get it right. here's some plot



SOME DIALOGUE LATER: Hmm ANYTHING you say? ANYTHING!? wink wink WINK WINKW INWKINWK WIN KWNIKNWK KIWNKWIKNK



Oh, right, you meant that. also immediately after this image she smiles and makes the HNNNG!? noise again. Whelp time to start jerking off because you're going to have sex now.

NSFW IMAGES START HERE

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boners ahoy! Much as Jean-Luc Picard commanded the Enterprise-D, so do you command this unholy copulation between undulating probably-traced woman and tweened penis. You know what gets me all hot and heavy? Gradients. Anyway click the buttons to make the bar fill up this shit ain't rocket science



*yawn*



Oh yeah this game's got it ALL
It's got BOTH ANGLES COVERED



she's really angry at that



anyway after that she immediately goes crosseyed and stares into space. fun!



WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT THOSE TWEENS
anyway this goes on for a while until UNTIL



OMG



Fun fact: Human semen does not resemble a tranclucent 2d scribble that slowly stretches without changing shape. What creature's leavings did VladimGod examine to create this game, and how many of them are on earth!? also ha ha fellatio

NSFW IMAGES END HERE


"Actually I play meet n' fuck kingdom for the plot"



Nearly missed getting a screencap of this fucker. Just in case you can't tell, it's shitty bitmaps of horns.



wait since when was i a knight
this marks the first of several shameful historical discrepancies that crop up in this game





"Delicate" I bet I know what that means hurr





"spark" I bet I know what that me- oh.



The hero's quest, a classic fantasy storyline. For, like, viagra. It's cool though because they're clearly taking the comic fantasy approach. Ha! Fellatio.



GOLD AND JEWELS APLENTY HOT DOG



"yeah as you wish whatever can i go now"



...huh.



And what better way to end this post than with a list of the ingredients for medieval viagra! This is all really quite fucking stupid imho.

I will be with you in spirit as you embark on this perilous journey.

Isn't there an option to spend three days screwing chicks and then give him medieval aspirin or something instead

Or is the only option to spend three days screwing chicks and then make him medieval viagra

This isn't really the sixteenth in a series, is it?

And PYP, you use the viagra as a transparent excuse to screw the chicks.

What Guy? Do you mean that you haven't heard of such wonderful simulations such as Meet N' Fuck Intensive Therapy, Meet N' Fuck Street Racing, Meet N' Fuck Lesbians, or Meet n' Fuck The Plumber?

Okay but how does this stack up against industry juggernaut Bonetown?

previously on let's play meet'n'fuck kingdom:



We got a list with weird things on it that we're going to go collect now! Hurrah!



At this point in the game we are introduced to the town map, which, like any rpg, is our conduit to penetrative intercourse with lifeless anime sex dolls. There's also an inventory icon!



Hmm, it appears there are more spaces than there are items on the list. Does this mean we're going to have to do fetch quests? SPOILER: it fucking does

Anyways let's check out the Tavern's Bar.





Here we have some elf chick who gets real happy when you mouse over her.



Let's click on her and see what we have to say for ourselves



Amazingly, none of these sentences provide us w/ that sweet sweet breast milk we apparently desire so let's blow this joint



Let's try the Tavern's Inn this time!









Here we run into a some cleaning staff. Hey, let's choose the bottom option here because it's the least retarded.



"Fantasy name, fantasy name. Hey, why not just replace a vowel with the letter Y?"

"That's fucking incredible! You're getting a promotion!"

*Camera pans out, revealing the conversation has been taking place between two glove puppets worn by a dishevelled, pantsless man sitting amidst a pile of empty pizza hut boxes*



Despite what the highlighting in this screencap may lead you to believe, the middle option is the right one here.



AFTER THIS ONE YOU BASICALLY ASK "HEY, I DON'T HAVE MONEY. GIVE ME ONE FOR FREE?" BUT I MISSED THAT SCREENCAP SOZ



WHAT





"I, uh... that line's never actually worked before. I have no idea how to proceed."



I'm not telling you which one of these is correct because it doesn't even matter

Sexual shit approaches

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so g0m are the animations still purely tween bas-



ah okay



no it's fine i got it



*slide whistle/accordion sounds*



Blah blah bar fills up switches to HOTT SEX but wait! An extra gameplay mechanic? Let's mouse over that "?" button...



Sound advice, both for the game, andfor, life...



Oh, yeah, because I thought everything looked a bit TOO human.

Anyway literally the next screen post-coitus is this, nary a refractory period in this game. So I guess you just stole the candles from her room after you left, which is cool.



That elf chick will be SURE to screw us now! Because, we have candles? I honestly don't know if that's what they're actually for or not. why am i doing this

Clearly you combine the candles with the upside-down snowman to create a tiny jack-o-lantern.

jack-off-o-lantern

*Camera pans out, revealing the conversation has been taking place between two glove puppets worn by a dishevelled, pantsless man sitting amidst a pile of empty pizza hut boxes*

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL! I never should have web chatted with you.

*Camera pans out, revealing the conversation has been taking place between two glove puppets worn by a dishevelled, pantsless man sitting amidst a pile of empty pizza hut boxes*

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL! I never should have web chatted with you.

>Living in pile of pizza hut boxes
>Not erecting wall of dominoes boxes

wait no I've got it, the candles are to make fire dildos for the fire elemental

If you're anything like me, this let's play makes you feel dirty and ashamed. So let's take a trip to the thermal bath and we can all finally feel clean.

naked boobs in here omg

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The one on the right is the brains of the outfit, as you can see, the one on the left forgot to take her shirt off and it's way too big. What the fuck



WOW! You have a great BIG BOOBS!
Let's go with option 3 though





Murton briefly considers roleplaying as an eight year old to score a threesome, but declines in favour of saying his stupid fucking name.



Fun fact I just made up: Matilda and Anne are named for the game developers two cats, with their character and mannerisms based on their real-life counterparts



I missed screencapping this but the correct option is number 3 and they respond by saying one cock along cannot sate their inhuman cockthirst or something along those lines. You know, bath stuff. Their exact words were "One cock is nowhere near enough to satisfy us"



Murton has the brilliant idea of acquiring a greater quantity of cock for which to achieve his twisted bathhouse ends. But his plan has a fatal flaw, in that he has no friends

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND GET SOME BROS W/ HEFTY DICKS



Maybe we can get some friends who are into WITCH H▲USE



Aw man, it's just a disappointing boob woman with low nipples. Let's get this talking shit over with.



Option one here. Also the bird's name is Charles.
(this is image 69, lol)



Option three here. We're here on business? Oh yeah, I guess this is technically Murton's job.



This one is... um. Let's just try the third one first.



Lady, if it did that, I'd never leave my shitty hut full of worms. Let's try buy the raven then.



Still one more than we've got



HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE

WE GOT THIS



Murton. MURTON. You HAVE candles. Just give her the candles, and then you can have sex w/ her (probably).



Sure! Hey, what does this ritual inv-



Oh.



Welcome to the other mainsty of Meet'n'fuck kingdom, where you feel up some witch in the right order re: body parts. For example here we can see rubbing her shoulder impairs her basic cognitive functions, which makes our heart bar fill up.



Whereas squeezing her boobs at this point cause her to discreetly review the game she is in. Well, let's get on with it.



Right thigh, click and hold that shit, she gets a specific amount more aroused, stop and move on



The most sexual part of the human body- the knee. Also I should note her eyebrows are constantly going up and down this whole time, as are the eyebrows of every female character in the game while they're onscreen. Which is, yeah, totally, like, hot or whatever.



She's cool with you going for the boobs post-kneetouch, take note for this choice foreplay advice



The inner thigh! We're encroaching upon forbidden territory here, people.

omg.... lady part..

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Then you can pull up her dress and she's all like "whatever"



You can pull down her dress too and the order you do these things in is entirely up to you. Fun fact: this game actually PREDATES Skyrim.



They don't stop doing that weird bouncing thing while the rest of her body is still, by the way. Murton tries to stop them but only seems to enrage them further god help us



Now we yank on her nipples and wave her boobs around the place! Hooray!



Aaand finally we rub our hand around her thigh, I think. The animation doesn't really make it clear. OH SHIT THOUGH THE BAR'S FILLED UP. LET'S FINISH THIS FUCKING RITUAL



Stellar. Hey, let's rob her.

Oh yeah I guess we needed a feather! Wait, wasn't she supposed to tell our fortune? Fuck.

NEXT TIME ON LET'S PLAY MEET'N'FUCK KINGDOM: ADULTERY FOR NO GOOD REASON(?)

Alright, let's head down to the Queen. I guess.



Wait a second, this isn't the queen! Meet'n'fuck kingdom, you motherfucker, you've made me care about even the most ancillary characters!





Okay, taking note of that "Love Pirate" line.





"Hi Laura. My name's Murton.



"EVERYONE'S been talking about your exiting sexual manoeuvres! The boob touch, the mouth sex, the butt stuff... not to mention your hilarious "Fellatio" joke!"



murton you are 12



:winkybutonfire:



As you can see I went for the most plausible answers first. It's that bullshit appreciation one though, so apologies to fans of good combinations of words



HO HO! IN THE VAGINA AND ANUS, I'D SUSPECT!

I fucking called it

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I'm going to take this opportunity to point out the shading on that boob is still one of the worse things in this game that can be seen in a screenshot. I'll skip most of this part, but I'll let you see the highlights, and you can change the image url if you really give that much of a shit:



*whipped cream shoots out*



murton's not even looking

anyway let's speed through the boring part



Stellar. And, after the dishonourable discharge...



...we totally steal her jewellery. Serves you right, worst guard ever.

Right! Well, that single unarmed lady with the poor judgement was the only defence against the fucking QUEEN so let's mosey on up there.



"Shut up Queen, and fire Laura. I'm Murton... I'm Murton."





Murton you... you salacious fiend!



"Yup, sucks. Well, seeya!"



Haha, I forgot Murton lives in a forest. What a dumb idiot loser.



HE'LL PROBABLY WANT TO PUT IT MORE PLACES THAN JUST BETWEEN YOU HO HO

This shit again

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Yeah yeah fill up the bar whatever









Something that probably doesn't come out in the screenshot is that the semen shoots out of the penis to the top of the screen and then falls down really quickly, like the queen is filled with the same powerful magnets that were in Laura's nipples. Who cares though, a Queen probably has some good shit to rob.

Oh what the hell is this? Murton you march RIGHT BACK IN THERE and SEDUCE HER AGAIN

next time in this let's play: we go back to trying to cure the king even though we said we couldn't. whatever. this is the 1000th post in this subforum, and can be considered a tribute to our beloved administrators. enjoy your shitty anime porn, fuckers! also, thanks for the forum (it's good)