I'll answer your questions

What is the guardian's name?

What holds the cage shut?

When will the storm pass?

Gerald

Welded steel

It is only just beginning

Is the guardian Shrek 2

No, but it's Gerald's favorite movie

can't he just slide betwixt the bars

It's a key, it can't do anything

Can I unlock the cage with my key?

There appears to be no lock on the cage.. you could try bartering with the guardian, but she seems untrustworthy

are you gerald

no (I'm not)

can I slide betwixt the bars

How can we force you to allow Jacquerel to slide inbetwixt any 2 surfaces? Would lending my weird non-existent hands help?

What's my best move?

What's my worst move?

What's my second-best move?

What's your next move?

What was your previous move, and what was mine?

What, in this context, qualifies as a "move"?

If I write an honest review of Shrek 2, do I get all the damn keys including the ones Slorange so rudely took from me?

If *I* write an honest review of Shrek 2, do I get all of Schazer's keys?

Gerald is not part of this reality, so what happens if I gut out its intestines and use them as a skipping rope which I will use to skip, in another reality?

Can I have a disillusionment Max?

What happens if I steal all physical and digital copies of Shrek 2?

Additional question: is Gerald the kind of person who can handle a critical examination of their "faves"?

Is Gerald me? If so, can I let the guy out myself?

can I slide betwixt the bars

Maybe, but the cage is held up so high, and Gerald would never let you get close. Not without payment. Not without tribute.

How can we force you to allow Jacquerel to slide inbetwixt any 2 surfaces? Would lending my weird non-existent hands help?

You could offer me, personally, a tribute. Your hands will never help anyone ever again. Cursed 4 ever.

What's my best move?

What's my worst move?

What's my second-best move?

What's your next move?

What was your previous move, and what was mine?

What, in this context, qualifies as a "move"?

Last question first: A move is the movement the body.
Your best: Waving
Second-best: Bowing
My next move: Thrashing
By previous move: Thrashing
Your previous move: Lurking

If I write an honest review of Shrek 2, do I get all the damn keys including the ones Slorange so rudely took from me?

Yeah of course

If *I* write an honest review of Shrek 2, do I get all of Schazer's keys?

Only if it's twice as long, and twice as well written

Gerald is not part of this reality, so what happens if I gut out its intestines and use them as a skipping rope which I will use to skip, in another reality?

Can I have a disillusionment Max?

Gerald doesn't have insides, she's just an image I made for this thread.. Can't touch it

Dunno who Max is

What happens if I still all physical and digital copies of Shrek 2?

Then they won't be moving any longer

Additional question: is Gerald the kind of person who can handle a critical examination of their "faves"?

Finally, someone asked! YES!!

Is Gerald me? If so, can I let the guy out myself?

No way, you're Garuru.

so, that question, about the train tracks switch and the people tied to the tracks

i've always wondered why nobody ever picked the option of switching the track at the last possible moment so that the train hits the fork and derails, killing everybody except for the people tied to the track

do you enjoy curling?

Will Gerald be patient enough to wait an hour or so? I've gotta make sure I effortpost the hell out of this so Seawyrm doesn't have shit on me.

how potent is the power of love in this scenario?

do you enjoy curling?

Yes, arm strength is very important

Will Gerald be patient enough to wait an hour or so? I've gotta make sure I effortpost the hell out of this so Seawyrm doesn't have shit on me.

Gerald will be furious, but I can make sure she doesn't get out of hand.. You will have your time.

how potent is the power of love in this scenario?

It's like steeping tea in tepid water

is the cage the current owner of the fifth key

What if offer my hands as tribute?

So, let me preface this review with the knowledge that I'm at work and will be relying on a summary off of a wiki or something while I try to piece together my mostly-genuine thoughts from way back in 2004 when I first saw this. Which was, shit, 10 years ago? I was 12. Chew on that.

Following on from the runaway hit Shrek, Dreamworks understandably latched itself to the generous teat and committed itself to not one, but three sequels. Dreamworks' big western rival in feature-length animation, Pixar, had already secured the seat of its sequel-tastic empire with the "generally pretty alright" Toy Story 2 back in 1999. Dreamworks, similarly starting up in the mid-90's, didn't strike green gold until 2001, swiftly figured they were onto a good thing, and with Pixar redefined the "silver screen" as the "sequel screen" for the new century. This was a simpler time, before then-juvenile Millenials had learned to a)be cycnical about capitalism's intrusion on creative industries or b)use irony to justify liking things. Ka-ching!

----Solaris: shreck 1 and 2 are actually good movies and thats honestly kind of fucked up----

Shrek 2 opens with a tidy segue from the closing scenes of Shrek 1 (had I been reviewing this while doing a Shrek Movie marathon and thus watching Shrek 1 beforehand), with newlyweds Shrek (Mike Myers) and Fiona (Cameron Diaz) on their honeymoon while the Counting Crows' Accidentally In Love jangles along in accompaniment. It's all very romantic and (in a stunningly frank portrayl about the perils of marriage, cohabitation and domesticity) starts to show its structural flaws as soon as the loving couple return to Shrek's swamp. One of the Shrek franchise's recurring themes is expectation versus reality; a disconnect between the Happily Ever Afters the fairy-tale setting seemingly demands and the many-layered complexities of "real life". Shrek's companion/whacky talking animal sidekick Donkey (Eddie Murphy) immediately makes himself at home, citing marital problems of his own with his own True Love, Dragon (Frank Welker).

It cannot be understated that Shrek 2's main conceit is still the bread-and-butter of many a soap opera set in the banalities of real life - down-to-earth newlywed guy has to handle his Old Moneyed in-laws. Where Shrek 2 avoids falling flat is its self-aware approach to the trope, poking fun at the absurdity of Meet The Fockers in Wonderland - or in the case of Fiona's homeland, the kingdom of Far Far Away. Another reason I think this film's aged so well is its liberal referencing of popular culture, again a personable juxtaposition of the modern (Farbucks Cafes; Abercrombie and Witch outlets; and the kingdom's signage, a parody of Hollywood's iconic landmark), for then-adults and young adults today who first watched the series as children, as well as more recognisable references from fairy tales like Far Far Away's celebrity figures. It's a real treat, or a solid grounds for a drinking game, depending on the audience.

The plot's main lines of antagonist and hero are drawn after a note-perfect disastrous dinner scene, and in retrospect if Shrek were directed by the Coen brothers (or maybe Shakespeare) we could've had some really messy action/tragedy going on here. Or maybe I've been playing too much Fiasco. King Harold (John Cleese) and Queen Lillian (Julie Andrews) are surprised and none-too-pleased at their daughter's transformation and choice of husband, especially so for Harold as he'd promised his daughter to Prince Charming (Rupert Everett), son of the cottage industry (hah, I just realised the joke they'd made there) magical magnate, Fairy Godmother (in a stunning performance by Jennifer Saunders). While I'm no fan of conniving mothers-in-law (or aspiring mothers-in-law, in Fairy Godmother's case) as a trope, Fairy Godmother is a character with her own charms (more so than ther momma's boy son, at any rate, who mostly consists of great looks and consequently entitled and shitty personality.) She's an ambitious, competent villain who's not afraid to get her hands dirty, a pleasing subversion to the role she'd play in traditional fairy tales, where a wave of her wand would give you your Happily Ever After without effort. She acquired her power and prestige not through patrilineal succession of a throne or drinking a magic potion, but through ruthlessness and business acumen! And she managed to do it while raising a kid, even he did turn out a complete poltroon! I'm getting off-track, but Fairy Godmother is an excellent character and it's not just because "Holding Out For A Hero" was the best musical number in the film.

Anyway, Shrek and Donkey (along with bested assassin/fan favourite Puss In Boots (Antonio Banderas)) head to the Fairy Godmother's cottage to find Shrek's magical cure-all for all his problems, only to be told that "ogres don't live happily ever after." We mostly covered this ground in Shrek, with the arbitrary divisions (and consequent deconstruction) of heroes being handsome, princesses being pretty and helpless, and ogres sticking to their fetid backwaters and not bothering anyone. Fairy Godmother here tries to enforce this narrative of Fiona belonging in a castle with the Prince Charming of her childhood fantasies, Shrek living in solitude, and fairy godmothers being a nurturing supporter of princeses/heroes/Good (everyone else fuck off).

Then our heroes steal a Happily Ever After potion (which, if my wordspam so far wasn't clueing you in on, immediately sticks out as a homeopathic tint of something that may or may not actually exist) in a scene which, visually, I vaguely remember enjoying. I must've been an apothecarist in a past life. In high fairy-tale form, the potion transforms the drinker and their true love into humans, though with temporary effects unless a kiss is had before midnight, and Shrek is pretty ok with not being an ogre any more? I would've read into this as being uncharacteristically insecure for Shrek, except I guess he loves Fiona that much. Honestly, during this scene, I was more curious about what the hell Dragon transformed into after Donkey drank the potion. Fairy Godmother, discovering the theft, injects Prince Charming into the mix, tricking Fiona into thinking he's her transformed husband. He's an odious heap of something unmentionable, though, so King Harold is strongarmed into slipping Fiona a love potion on threat of having his own "happily ever after" taken away.

Shrek calls it quits after thinking Fiona's going to be happier this way, gets tossed in jail, gets busted out of jail by a crew of the "assorted fairy tale folk" who got dumped in his swamp in the original film. They cook up a giant gingerbread man to storm the castle, Puss gets an exquisite fight scene, and Fiona and her mother demonstrate their vastly superior sensibility to their respective husbands by not sealing the Happily Ever After potion's spell with a kiss, and forgiving her husband of however-many-decades for being a goddamn frog. I was just talking about this on IRC and seriously, what were the logistics of this?

Exit on another musical number that's no Smash Mouth, but does the job well enough. In post-credit retrospect, it makes sense that Donkey made no mention of Dragon after he took the Happily Ever After potion, because it would weaken an impressively long-range brick joke.

Still pisses me off, though. I want my Dragon headcanons to be verified the source text. Overall rating: 9 layers out of an onion

now, shrek three on the other hand, that was garbage

shrek four saved it

What's "being an ogre" a metaphor for, given the plot of Shreks 1 and 2 as viewed from a modern socio-political context?

How many roads must a man walk down?

What stats does Gerald have? Particularly its ATK. Same for the cage, but I'd like to know DEF of that one. Any special abilities they might have that I need to be aware of?

How can you not know who Max is? Have you no shame?