The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

Two words: Atomic wedgies.

>Adler: Transmogrify Rebecca's father, considering the mindset he  showed earlier, it would indeed be a severe punishment for him. Plus it would allow Rebecca to indulge in some petty revenge via gloating without hurting him, not to mention keeping him close by would keep him and the rabbits from having leverage on your newest follower.
>Adler: Transmogrifying Rebecca's father will be enough to demonstrate your power, let your followers decide the punishments for the other two. It'll give them more investment in your organization by letting them feel they have a say.

>Turn the one who actualy threatened you into poodle,let your cultist give you suggestion for the other two ?
>(as for being too heavy a punishement, Can't you put a timer on your transmogriphication curses. Like untill the next full moon or something ?)

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>Adler: Transmogrify Rebecca's father, considering the mindset he showed earlier, it would indeed be a severe punishment for him. Plus it would allow Rebecca to indulge in some petty revenge via gloating without hurting him, not to mention keeping him close by would keep him and the rabbits from having leverage on your newest follower.
>Turn the one who actualy threatened you into poodle
Can't you put a timer on your transmogriphication curses. Like untill the next full moon or something ?

"Very well!" I shouted dramatically. "For being so brash and annoying, you shall become a small yappy dog!"

I transmogrified Rebecca's father into a miniature poodle and handed him to her.

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"Oh Dad," she sighed sadly. "I can't say you didn't have this coming. Is he going to stay this way permanently? Or is it just until the next new moon or something?"

"That depends on his behavior and yours," I declared sternly. "I may turn him back after he has learned his lesson."

Actually, setting a time limit on a transmogrification was a pretty good idea! The hapless victim would suddenly turn back into himself at the most awkward time, and then have to explain what happened .. it could be extremely hilarious as well as a good object lesson for those who might be tempted to meddle in my affairs. I would have to consider how exactly to pull this off in the future.

"I have grown accustomed to my form and have no wish to be turned back," Oak interjected quickly. "However, being a dumb feral animal is a hard fate."

>Adler: Transmogrifying Rebecca's father will be enough to demonstrate your power, let your followers decide the punishments for the other two. It'll give them more investment in your organization by letting them feel they have a say.
let your cultist give you suggestion for the other two

"Well then, my loyal devotees, I shall let you decide what happens to the others," I suggested magnanimously.

"Curse them with bad hair!" Oak blurted out gleefully.

"It shall be so!" I declared, as I pulled one of the rabbits up by his shirt-front.

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I waved my fingers dramatically for the benefit of my audience as I composed the Gramarye to turn his head-hair into the most implausible, hybridized travesty I could think of.

"Your doom is to be business up front and party in the back," I intoned ominously, "FOREVER!!"

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"GREAT AUK!" Oak exclaimed in horror.

"IT'S TOO HIDEOUS!" the sheep shrieked in dismay. "I CAN'T BEAR THE SIGHT OF IT!!"

The cat choked on a hairball, and Toby fainted.

"This is too much, my lord," Oak sobbed as she knelt and fanned Toby's face. "Too horrible even for one of the pesky rabbits."

"You said to give him bad hair," I pointed out.

"Not THIS bad!" she protested. "I regret my haste. Please reconsider this harsh and heavy punishment."

"It's too late," I pouted. "I already said 'forever' and that can't be undone."

The cat and the sheep wailed and prostrated themselves on the ground.

"Have mercy on us!" they cried. "Deliver us from bad hair! Be kind even to thine enemies, oh Lord Ramble."

"Well, I can't just let them go scot-free!" I grumbled. "They have transgressed, and must be chastised for it!"

Two words: Atomic wedgies.

"The final rabbit, only pull his smallclothes up over his head," my cultists wailed. "That will be a kinder punishment."

>Adler: Actually, that's a good idea. Modify what you've done to  Rebecca's father so that he'll change back after a day or two and then, here's the good part, from that moment on every time he becomes "brash and annoying" he will transform into a poodle for a few hours. HA!
>Remaining Two Rabbit Intruders: Wake up and take the long walk of shame back home. A funny, lopsided walk for one of you.
>Followers: You're impressions of and loyalty to "Lord Ramble" are now set in stone. Also, you should plan for Rebecca's training. She could be a boon, the look she's going for is popular amongst young people.
>Adler: Perhaps you should internally go over all of your powers, abilities, and the spells you know for the audience's benefit.

Adler: You are a harsh but forgiving God, Rebecca's father was just worried that his daughter was led astray. As long as he realizes that his daughter is safe he will be fine. 
Rebecca's Father: You don't want your wayward daughter to follow this false god but you do not want to be poodilfied for eternity, play along and you may have a chance to regain you bipedal form.
Oak: Remind Adler that he needs to destroy both the rabbit extremists and the followers of Jerry and his shoe cult.
Followers of Adler: After witnessing the power of your god take up arms in his name, DUES VULT or however you would call it in your language and call for crusade against your enemies.

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This, of course, was simplicity itself; one of the classic Elfin pranks we used to pull on lowfolk! I quickly composed the Gramarye to command the rabbit's underclothes to yank themselves up as high as they could possibly go.

Modify what you've done to Rebecca's father so that he'll change back after a day or two and then, here's the good part, from that moment on every time he becomes "brash and annoying" he will transform into a poodle for a few hours.
>Remaining Two Rabbit Intruders: Wake up and take the long walk of shame back home.
>Adler: Perhaps you should internally go over all of your powers, abilities, and the spells you know
Adler: You are a harsh but forgiving God, Rebecca's father was just worried that his daughter was led astray. As long as he realizes that his daughter is safe he will be fine.

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"Move those miscreants away, back toward their village," I instructed the forest, with a dismissive wave of my hand. Some vines snaked out of the bushes, twined around the semi-conscious rabbits, and dragged them out of sight. Meanwhile I tried to look impressively Wise and Thoughtful as I mentally reviewed the powers I had currently at my disposal:

I could Pook from place to place inside the stone circle, as well as to the scrying tower and back, and presumably to locations within Albric Tor (though Pooking to places one could not see was risky.)

I could spy on virtually anyone with the scrying tower, provided I could locate them.

I could apport useful objects (again, provided I knew where they were.)

I could transmogrify people and objects from one form to another. It was possible to make these transformations temporary (in the case of Elf-gold for instance) or permanent (in the case of Oak Marten.) Theoretically I should be able to design a transmogrifying geas that would wear off, but then return if certain conditions were met. Rebecca's father, for example, could turn back into himself in a day or two, but become a poodle again any time he lost his temper. Yes, that could be fun .. I just needed to craft the precise composition to make it work correctly.

I could communicate with the trees, by using the Voice of the Forest.

If I concentrated, I could read lowfolk's minds with Elfmind. Previous experiments had shown that this was much easier than reading an elf's mind.

I could elf-shoot lowfolk, which temporarily incapacitated them .. or I could just shoot them with regular killing arrows if I needed to. Elf-shot unfortunately did not work well on elves.

Speaking of elf-shot, it wasn't too much of a brag to say that I was an excellent shot with a bow - and after Adoyret Sam's training, I felt pretty good about my hand-to-hand combat skills.

One thing that was supposedly possible but I hadn't yet figured out was some way of controlling the temporal discrepancies involved in traversing the Gate between Faerie and the lowfolk world.

>Followers: Your impressions of and loyalty to "Lord Ramble" are now set in stone. Also, you should plan for Rebecca's training. She could be a boon, the look she's going for is popular amongst young people.
Rebecca's Father: You don't want your wayward daughter to follow this false god but you do not want to be poodilfied for eternity, play along and you may have a chance to regain you bipedal form.
Oak: Remind Adler that he needs to destroy both the rabbit extremists and the followers of Jerry and his shoe cult.
Followers of Adler: After witnessing the power of your god take up arms in his name, DUES VULT or however you would call it in your language and call for crusade against your enemies.

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"Lord Ramble," Oak beseeched. "Sorry to interrupt your Majestic Pondering, or whatever it is you're doing, but we still need to discuss how we're going to defeat the shoe cult and keep the rabbits from interfering with us again. Maybe they learned their lesson today, but I wouldn't count on it. More immediately, what should we do about this girl? She's got the crude makings of a distinctive personal style, but it needs refinement and she needs to be formally initiated into our society."

>Adler: Right, time to discuss your plans. The easiest way to deal with both cults is to turn them against each other. How much influence do hairdressers have to spread misinformation?
>Oak: Hairdressers gossip with their clients all the time. It would be a cinch to sow discord.
>Adler: Excellent, have your ixies help in the sabotage. This is exciting. Sure it's unseelie, but the only time things have ever worked out for you was when you did it the unseelie way.
>Adler: It is very late, and it would be too dangerous to send your followers to go trudging home in the dark while there are still possible aggressors roaming around. Have them sleep in the stone circle for the night, with the forest now working for you, it's the safest possible place for them.
>Adler: While everyone else is getting ready for bed, pull Rebecca aside to discuss her motivations and her possible role in your organization. While everyone is sleeping, work on modifying the poodle's curse.
>Adler: Now that the forest is working for you, it should be easy getting food. Just have your followers place a care package on the outskirts of the woods and the trees will pass it along to you. The situation is still too volatile to risk a time skip, stay until the situation is resolved. Once your cult is stable and self sustaining, you can skip ahead to where they have more power and influence. Though, then what? What is your endgame? How will your cult free you? The only one who can free you is a king. You can only be king if another elf crowns you. Who will that other elf be?

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"Wash the new initiate's hair in the ceremonial basin," I commanded. "And use THIS!" I added as I whipped the bottle of shampoo out of my Elfintory.

"OOOHHH!" my followers gasped.

"There's also a bottle of fancy hoof polish here, and I see at least one of you who can use it."

"AAAHHH!" the sheep bleated with delight.

>Adler: Right, time to discuss your plans. The easiest way to deal with both cults is to turn them against each other. How much influence do hairdressers have to spread misinformation?
>Oak: Hairdressers gossip with their clients all the time. It would be a cinch to sow discord.

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"The texture of this shampoo is exquisite," Oak murmured as she worked it into Rebecca's hair. "Such a silky smooth lather!"

"I feel prettier already," Rebecca spluttered.

"Keep your mouth closed, dear," Oak gently scolded her.

"This polish is great!" the sheep gushed. "It fills and seals the cracks, and gives such a glossy sheen!"

"Yes, excellent," I nodded approvingly. "How good are you lot at spreading information? We will need to lauch a propaganda campaign against the competing cults."

"Hairdressers and beauticians gossip constantly," Oak declared. "It will be a cinch."

>Adler: It is very late, and it would be too dangerous to send your followers to go trudging home in the dark while there are still possible aggressors roaming around. Have them sleep in the stone circle for the night, with the forest now working for you, it's the safest possible place for them.

"It's getting late," I observed. "You would all probably be safest if you spent the night here rather than stumbling home in the twilight with possibly hostile rabbits potentially waiting in ambush. I can magick up some shelters, and if you'll gather ingredients I can make a stew that will blow your mind. We shall discuss our plans, and after Rebecca's hair is washed I can style it."

While everyone is sleeping, work on modifying the poodle's curse.
>Adler: Now that the forest is working for you, it should be easy getting food. Just have your followers place a care package on the outskirts of the woods and the trees will pass it along to you. The situation is still too volatile to risk a time skip, stay until the situation is resolved. Once your cult is stable and self sustaining, you can skip ahead to where they have more power and influence. Though, then what? What is your endgame? How will your cult free you? The only one who can free you is a king. You can only be king if another elf crowns you. Who will that other elf be?

To make a long story short, they set up camp and everything went well. While they were sleeping, I refined the transmogrification spell I had placed on Rebecca's father, and pondered my next moves. Having a group of loyal followers would help me in the short term, since they could bring me food and supplies .. but it wasn't going to free me from my imprisonment. Edessa's curse had been issued in the form of a Royal sentence for crimes she imagined I had committed that day (and perhaps I actually had..)

The only way to get out of it was by obtaining a Royal pardon, and the only person with that kind of authority was Edessa herself .. unless .. if I could be crowned King then I could pardon myself. But who would crown me? Was there any elfin nobility left? What about that skunk-femme changeling that Estmere was supposed to have married, but because of his preference for hooves he informally betrothed her to me instead? She must be wandering somewhere in the lowfolk world, since she didn't show up with the others when she was supposed to. I needed to find her .. but how?

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Are you lot getting bored? This story has been going on for a WHILE and there are a lot less of you listening now than when I started.

There are plenty of other things I could be doing, you know. It's been some time since I last checked on my beloved bride to see what she's up to, and my daughter has shacked up with some bum I don't entirely approve of.

If there are still some things you want to know, go ahead and ask, and I'll answer. Otherwise I'm ready to wrap up this tale in a timely fashion.

>Adler: As your cult grows, you can send agents to look for her. Do you have a description of her at all? Know where she was placed as a changeling? A good starting point.
>Adler: Make sure everything is in place for your cult's sabotage of their opposition. Once you are absolutely sure everything you need to do has been done, gather up your Ixies and head back to the Scrying Tower. There you can figure out how to control the time slips. That way, you can fast forward at will to keep tabs on your Cult's progress and intervene when necessary.

Adler: Command your servants to comb the countryside for Estmere's skunk femme. She will become your new bride and no one will stop your new cult's righteous crusade against your enemies!
Cultists: You really want more hair products, your all willing to do whatever Adler says at this point, you begin gathering your combs and begin the long processes of combing every blade of grass you see.
Adler: "No you morons! Comb means search, SEARCH THE COUNTRYSIDE!"
Cultist 1: "Are you sure Lord Ramble? This patch over hear needs a good trim and some gel to slick the tuft in the front to the back.
Cultist 2: "Yeah this patch over here needs a lot of mousse as well."
Adler: "I command you to stop you need to find the skunk femme, our survival depends on it! Your way of hairdressing depends on it! The other cults will destroy us if we don't act fast and I will not be able to reward you with finer designer products as well as new cutting edge scissors and razors.
Cultists: be terrified of this prophecy and proceed to move to find out any information you can about this skunk femme as quickly as possible.

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if Adler really did do something as unseelie as turn a lowfolk babe into stew, such as the Duchess would do.

Merciful Fuma!! Why would you ever think I had done such a horrible thing??

Anyway, since I guess some of you are still interested, I'll continue for a while.

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I fixed the spell on Rebecca's father so he would turn back into himself if he chewed on a shoe. He also had to tell somebody about the wonders of shoes once per day, or he would turn back into a dog. I used Elfmind to cloud his memory and plant the suggestion that he had witnessed some sort of shoe-related orgy in the woods, which had something to do with the disappearance of his daughter. Then I instructed the forest to shepherd the dazed pooch back toward his home village.

>Adler: As your cult grows, you can send agents to look for her.
Adler: Command your servants to comb the countryside for Estmere's skunk femme.

When my followers awoke, I treated them to a breakfast of fritters made of leftover stew, thickened with acorn flour. (Delicious, by the way.) We discussed the plan for incriminating Jerry's cult by spreading rumors about their alleged nefarious doings in the woods, and also insinuating that the rabbits were arming themselves to put a stop to the shoe-cult's deviltry. I felt a little apprehensive about all of this, but I kept reminding myself that it was my FOLLOWERS who would be lying, not I.

"Oh," I added just before dismissing them. "I need you to search for a skunk-elf who was meant to be betrothed to me, but she has gone missing."

"How will we know her?" they asked.

"Well, she's minor elfin nobility," I pointed out. "And her name is .. uh .. Alexandra? Or maybe Cassandra .. something like that. Last name Skönk, I remember that quite clearly. If you find her, send her my way. She's key to me being able to leave this circle to spread my benevolent hairdressing power across the land. Also remember to hang a basket of food on the ivy by the well every Saturday, as we discussed."

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"Okay, we'll keep our eyes peeled," Oak said as they made ready to leave. "It was great meeting you. Thanks for the stew and the shampoo."

"And the hoof polish," the sheep added.

"Thanks for introducing me to these cool people," Rebecca gushed. "And for my sweet new hairdo! It's totally cute but also witchy. I never expected the Dark Lord to be such an awesome guy."

"Just stick with Oak and she'll teach you our ways," I reminded her, still not sure she completely got it. "And your dad will be fine. I sent him home last night."

Do you have a description of her at all? Know where she was placed as a changeling? A good starting point.
Once you are absolutely sure everything you need to do has been done, gather up your Ixies and head back to the Scrying Tower. There you can figure out how to control the time slips.

After the cultists were gone, I gathered my Ixies and instructed them to go find as many shoes as they could, and bring them back here to litter the circle and its environs with incriminating footwear. Then I sat down and had a good think.

I didn't expect my followers to find my bride for me, since it was unlikely that what's-her-name Skönk would turn up in Tulgeyside. I probably needed to search for her myself, using the scrying tower. But how could I search for someone whose name I couldn't even remember? I had no idea where to start looking. Where had she been sent as a changeling? That would be a good place to start, but how could I find out?

The other problem with using the scrying tower was that it was in Faerie, and I still hadn't learned how to properly manipulate the time discrepancy between the two worlds. I needed to stay in touch with my cult during this crucial formative time. If I disappeared for a year or more, I could lose all the goodwill I had generated. I had to camp out here for now, which meant the time was a complete loss in terms of learning anything useful. Unless...

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I visualized the library shelf in the scrying tower and apported a book from it. To my dismay, it was full of that "Lorem ipsum" gibberish. So were the next two books I brought out. The fourth volume was some sort of logbook of tower use by Definitive Veracity agents way back at some indeterminate time when that agency still existed.

"I'm not having much luck," I sighed.

>Adler: Suddenly remember what happened to your awesome. cool mustache. Sam took it and never gave it back. That jerk stole your 'stache!
>Adler: What will it take to be able to read these books?
>Adler: Remember that Rowan mentioned her father having a connection to the forest from something her uncle did. Somehow able to talk to the trees. The way Rowan refereed to him made "uncle" sound like an honorary title. To your knowledge, only elves are able to speak to plants. It may be worth finding out more about this mysterious uncle and why he has a vested interest in propping up a lowfolk family.

>You know there used to be at least one elf living in the lowfolks land you knew off: The horrific spider lady who taught you willies, Sheila na nog, something like that, Much as you have... bad memories of it and unseelie as she may be, it might be worth checking to see what happened to her.
>Also she'd know... things about the sisterhood, because they are still a thing, maybe ? Heck maybe she'd know things about your supposed 'bride' since the sisterhood had a hand in that too...
>You know, for the lorem ipsum stuff, maybe you could try to contact other experts than Silverbursh. Your uncle was an expert in intruigue and codes and if anyone would know about the old kingdom codeq, might be him. Also maybe reestablishing your reputation.

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>You know there used to be at least one elf living in the lowfolks land you knew off: The horrific spider lady who taught you willies
>Also she'd know... things about the sisterhood, because they are still a thing, maybe ? Heck maybe she'd know things about your supposed 'bride' since the sisterhood had a hand in that too...
>Your uncle was an expert in intruigue and codes and if anyone would know about the old kingdom codeq, might be him.

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I paused for a moment and pondered .. who could I contact who might be helpful in this situation? Sheila na Gig lived in the lowfolk world and had serious connections with the Sisterhood. I didn't particularly want to see her again, but she might be worth seeking out for information about my betrothed, since the whole thing had been a Sisterhood plot.

My great-uncle Roland would be another elf to consult. He had been Grand Marshal of Faerie for many years, during the early part of which I think the department of Definitive Veracity was still operating .. and it was afterward absorbed into Military Intelligence, which Roland was in charge of .. yes, he would definitely have clearance for the information I needed. But was he still alive? He had retired to Elfhame, last I heard, but I wouldn't put it past him to have returned to Albric Tor for the big battle against .. oh dear, if he thought I was a traitor he might not want to talk to me even if he was still around.

Unfortunately I needed the scrying tower to get in touch with these people, and until I learned how to control time-slips (or my cult reached a suitable level of stability) I had to stay out here.

>Adler: Remember that Rowan mentioned her father having a connection to the forest. Somehow able to talk to the trees. To your knowledge, only elves are able to speak to plants. It may be worth finding out more about this

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"Ixies," I called. "When you're done scattering shoes, I need you to scour the area for traces of Sheila na Gig. She used to live in a cave at the bottom of a mossy ravine somewhere in these woods. Big scary spider-elf with a devilish mask on. You can't miss her."

I glanced around the circle at the shoes scattered everywhere. It certainly looked like something extremely unsavory had occurred here. Now I just had to wait for the rabbits and Jerry's friends to come snooping.

"How did Rowan's father Walnut Marten earn such favor with the forest?" I asked the trees, as an idea occurred to me. If Rowan's story was true, my suspicion was that an elf was involved, and it would be worthwhile finding out more about this. Another elf in the area could be an ally .. or an enemy whom I would need to deal with eventually.

"Uh, we don't actually know," came the rustling reply. "All of that family are named after trees and it's understood far and wide that we have to be nice to them .. but none of us here in this vicinity ever met Walnut Marten."

"Well, ask around if you get the chance. I'd really like to know."

>Adler: What will it take to be able to read these books?
the lorem ipsum stuff, as far as i understood was a magical spell to avoid people that should not know stuff could know stuff they should not be privy of.
It's not about deciphering those books, but find a way to game the system without accessing king-level authority to slowly gain access to various "assigned competences".

I continued perusing the logbook and thinking about the Lorem Ipsum problem. It seemed clear from the incident with Estvan, when I could read some of the books but he couldn't, that the strange gibberish was some kind of security measure which hid text from those who were not qualified to access it. But what were the qualifications? Did it have to do with rank, or security clearance, or simply with the level of knowledge one had acquired?

If it was bureaucratic in nature, I might be in trouble since the DV was long disbanded and its replacement, the Intelligence Division of the army, did not exist at this time. I was still a Duke (wasn't I?) and a former Right Hand of the King, as well as the current heir apparent - but obviously none of that granted me access to some of these books. My best bet for unlocking this content in that case would be to reach Uncle Roland, if he was still alive, and hope he would speak to me.

If it was knowledge-related, I could try apporting every book in the library and reading the ones that were legible, then see if that unlocked any of the others. There were a few problems with this plan: First, without being able to see the library I could not be sure I had gotten all the books. Second, the dolmen out here was not the ideal place to keep a library safe from bugs & mildew. Third, apporting all those books and reading them was going to be a tedious chore.

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Oh well, I guess I would have to do that since it was the only course of action that was actually open to me at this time. I turned back to the logbook, since I might as well finish perusing the tome I had in hand before starting to bring out others.

My eyes lit upon an entry: "8th Junius, checked in with Skönk and revised report concerning situation at Skeorle Tor."

That was the surname of my intended bride! I had a dim notion that Skeorle Tor was on the Eastern frontier of the Empire. Had the Skönks been sent there during the reign of Roland the Dutiful when a lot of low-ranking Irenaeid kin had been dispatched to remote areas? This seemed to tally with something I may have heard at some point .. I wish I had paid closer attention!

>Adler: Keep reading. Perhaps it works on a "need to know" basis. The more you know, the more you'll be able to read.
>Ixies: The info you bring back on Rowan's Uncle is sparse. He's a very enigmatic and private figure. But what little you do know sounds very elfy. Furthermore: he's been asking questions about "Lord Ramble". A meeting might be inevitable. Also, give Adler the most current information about Sheila na Gig. (I don't remember if she's dead at this point in the setting.)
>Rabbits and/or Shoe Cultists: Come snooping.

>Welp, not much to do but wait for now.
>If intruders manage to make it through the bushes, you can elfshot and play prank on 'em.
>Maybe take time to reflect on... well everything... the Vulpitians plans, The Duchess, o Daisy, the Fairfax arch, the sisterhood, ....your Fuma given mission, Yeah, you still gota correct the "Mistake" or you go the elf hell... And you've no idea what that is exctly, if you've already did it by accident or it remains to be done...
>Or just time skipp to the next relelvant event.

Rabbit Scouts: You find the many shoes scattered around the forest and signs of devilry afoot, you realize.... OH MY HOLY RAM! A bunch of litterers are despoiling the sanctity of nature! Head back to HQ and inform your leaders of this foul perversity, you must begin preaching cleanliness of the forest to the masses.
Ixies: Well shit this did not did not work.
Ixies: You also hear reports from locals of many Skunk Fems in this region, apparently there is a Skunk Fem beauty show happening at the moment so hundreds of Skunk fems are going to be in the village this week.

Note: Sorry for the delay in responding was waiting for my new debit card so I could resubscribe to your Patreon

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>Adler: Keep reading. Perhaps it works on a "need to know" basis. The more you know, the more you'll be able to read.
>Or just time skipp to the next relelvant event.

Not much happened for a long time, so I'll just condense the highlights. I couldn't go back into the scrying tower until I had figured out how to control the time slippage, so contacting anyone at this juncture was not going to be possible. Instead I blindly apported random books from the small library. Any that had their contents concealed by "Lorem ipsum" gibberish I carefully stacked inside the dolmen on a small rack that I constructed of sticks donated by the forest.

Books that I could read, I slogged through as best I could, then re-checked the stack of encoded books. Sure enough, as I gradually learned more on various subjects (scrying procedures, scryspace manipulation, thaumaturgical mathematics, scry-orb maintenance, Imperial privacy laws & intelligence protocols, etc) more advanced books on those topics became legible to me.

>Ixies: The info you bring back on Rowan's Uncle is sparse . Also, give Adler the most current information about Sheila na Gig.

The Ixies came back with news, or rather a lack thereof, concerning the people I had asked them to investigate. Of Sheila na Gig there was no sign. They found her cave easily, but it seemed to have been abandoned a long time ago. Likewise they could find little evidence of the elf who I suspected was behind the Marten family's fortunes. There was the enigmatic "Uncle Ash" who had operated a tavern in Percysthorpe, but this establishment had burned down around the same time O'Daisies Industries had taken over the area, and Ash had disappeared without a trace.

>Rabbits and/or Shoe Cultists: Come snooping.
Rabbit Scouts: You find the many shoes scattered around the forest and signs of devilry afoot, you realize.... this foul perversity

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The shoe cultists found their way to the stone circle and were awed by the number of shoes lying around. It took a bit of wrangling on the part of the forest to maneuver a bunch of irate rabbits into the area at the same time.

"Idolaters and litterers!" the rabbits condemned. "How dare you worship the false god of footwear, and strew the forest floor with this trash!"

"Bucktoothed blasphemers!" the Children of Jerry retorted. "How dare you refer to these holy relics as trash!"

I crouched in the grass atop the dolmen and concentrated on mushrooms as I watched the fight unfold. The rabbits had superior weapons and superior zealotry, thus made short work of the shoe-worshipers - much to my disappointment. I had hoped they would destroy each other, but the conflict was extremely one-sided. Oh well, one enemy group destroyed wasn't a bad day's work..

"Now, bretheren, let us tear down this devilish temple!" the rabbits shouted after their victory. "Leave none of these stones standing!"

>If intruders manage to make it through the bushes, you can elfshot and play prank on 'em.

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Well, I couldn't permit that, so I stood up and started shooting. A few of the rabbits escaped, and the forest deployed vines to drag away the bodies left behind, to fertilize whatever dank grotto wished to claim them. I gave instructions that the way to my circle was to be barred to intruders henceforth, unless they knew the Sign of the Scissors which I had communicated to my cult followers.

I passed written messages by Ixie back and forth with Oak Marten, and occasionally received baskets of food as per our arrangement, but the rest of the time I spent in solitude and quiet study. I'm not sure exactly how long this lasted.

in this region, apparently there is a Skunk Fem beauty

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One day I was interrupted by someone behind me saying "Excuse me, are you Lord Ramble? My hairdresser told me to come see you."

What's this? A new female character? Why o' why do you want me to abandon my love for Fifi?!

(I've also got nothing....dammit....)

and the forest deployed vines to drag away the bodies left behind, to fertilize whatever dank grotto wished to claim them.

Yikes. I assume it's mostly the bodies of the shoe cultists killed by the rabbits (and maybe the few rabbits killed by shoe cultists) but still... yikes.

>Maybe feel just a tad concerned for this little slaughter you may have unwillingly instaured, you though they'd brawl, not  go full religious war on each other.
(then again after the whole plague o' battle think you're probably quite hardened to fields of bodies)
>Be a biiit concerned about those rabbits, their zealotery and willingness to purge is a mite stronger than expected.
>Then again maybe that's weaponizable again in the future ...

>Greet the fair maiden and ask her what she would ask of you, do not agree to anything just yet.

>Adler: By Fuma, she's GORGEOUS! Immediately begin showering her with praise and adoration.
>New Lady: Goodness, you heard he was sociable, but this is more than you were expecting.
>Adler: Hold up... You immediately went into "Let's get married, consequences be damned" mode. For possibly deep seeded psychological reasons that you'll need to address someday, the only women that make you react this way resulting in an unhealthy attachment have been lowfolk women. (Possibly because nearly every elf woman you've been interested in turned out to be more than willing to stab you in the back for personal gain.) Chances are this lady is a lowfolk and not the elf you told your followers to keep an eye out for. Oh well, she might at least have some information. Summon up a desk and some chairs and conduct an interview.

New Lady: Introduce yourself as Vernier Lapoeia professional secretary currently in between jobs, explain that your hairdresser was super excited to set up this meeting, a little too excited but she is a hairdresser after all they take their jobs very seriously. Also mention you have a heavy interest in the old elf legends.
Adler: She appears very smart and quite eloquent for a lowfolk, restraining your base urges you begin to conduct an interview, you learn Vernier is 27 years old, worked as secretary for the Duke Rolf Tornmier the bloody baron of Ferncombe Hill, and is an amazing baker. Overall she seems a great fit.
Vernier: Ask why does Lord Ramble need more than one hairdresser, a duke such as he would only need 4 to keep his luscious locks flowing the way they are now.
Adler: "That is a closely guarded secret of my family, I would ask you not to pry further".

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SpoilerSee pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/39614187 or pretend https://adleryoung.tumblr.com doesn't exist

>Adler: By Fuma, she's GORGEOUS! Immediately begin showering her with praise and adoration.
>New Lady: Goodness, you heard he was sociable, but this is more than you were expecting.
>Adler: Hold up... For possibly deep seeded psychological reasons that you'll need to address someday, the only women that make you react this way resulting in an unhealthy attachment have been lowfolk women.
introduce yourself to her and give her sacred hospitality
if he were to woe a lady of proper status, practice must be had with ladies of lower status.

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"YES INDEEDLY!" I squeaked manfully upon beholding her. "I surely am he whom you seek, and may I add that your loveliness is only exceeded by your beauty! Is that the supply basket you've got there? I'll relieve you of that burden! Pray, sit upon the soft grass and I'll share this provender with you, my dear."

"It's kind of you to offer," she said with a pleasant smile, "but I was told that basket is for you, and you don't get them very often. Miss Oak said she's worried you must be wasting away if all you get to eat is what they send you."

"I assure you, I'm doing fine," I insisted. "For one so fair, anything I have -"

I stopped myself before making an extravagant and irrevocable offer. Why did I always go head-over-heels for every comely lowfolk femme who showed up here? I should be the one manipulating them with Wiles, not the other way around!

".. is negotiable," I finished lamely. "Pardon me if I go ahead and eat. I'm famished. You're still welcome to partake if you wish."

>Greet the fair maiden and ask her what she would ask of you, do not agree to anything just yet.
conduct an interview.
New Lady: Introduce yourself as Vernier Lapoeia professional secretary currently in between jobs, explain that your hairdresser was super excited to set up this meeting, a little too excited but she is a hairdresser after all they take their jobs very seriously. Also mention you have a heavy interest in the old elf legends
Adler: She appears very smart and quite eloquent for a lowfolk, restraining your base urges you begin to conduct an interview, you learn Vernier is 27 years old, worked as secretary for the Duke Rolf Tornmier the bloody baron of Ferncombe Hill, and is an amazing baker.

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"I appreciate that," she said with an adorable giggle. "But you go ahead. My name is Vernier, by the way."

"Well, Vernier," I said, between bites of a delicious ham sandwich. "What brings you out here? What can Lord Randall do for you?"

"Oh, is it Randall? I thought everyone was saying Ramble."

"They were. It was too much trouble to correct them."

"Ah. Well, as I said, I am here because my hairdresser sent me. She said you were looking for skunk maidens, and that you could do my hair better than anyone around. If you'll style my hair, I'll gladly repay you in whatever way I can."

"What skills do you bring to the table?" I asked.

"I am an experienced administrative assistant," Vernier stated. "I served as a secretary to Duke Rolf Tornmier for several years. I can file papers, do research, manage appointments, write letters and reports. I also do light housekeeping and if I may be so bold as to boast, I am an excellent baker. That bread you're eating is some of mine."

"It's very good," I said, spraying crumbs.

"And if none of this is suitable or useful to you," she continued, with a tilt of her head, "then I would be willing to consider anything else you might request of me."

At that precise moment, a couple of rabbits crashed through the bushes, exclaiming loudly "THERE THEY BE! Devilish skunk-witches in the very throes of debauchery! If we'd come a second later they'd have been fornicating shamelessly, the sinners!"

"WHO LET THEM THROUGH??" I demanded as I whipped my bow out of Elfintory.

>Maybe feel just a tad concerned for this little slaughter
>Be a biiit concerned about those rabbits, their zealotery and willingness to purge is a mite strong

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"That's some impressive shooting," Vernier said quietly. "Are they dead?"

"They might be," I shrugged as I picked up the remains of my sandwich. "The forest will take care of them now either way."

"Is it true what they said?" she asked, eyeing me strangely.

>Adler: "It depends on what they're saying."
>Trees: Inform Adler that the reason those rabbits slipped through was because Vernier loudly stated a special code phrase that forces them to stand down and not act in any capacity until ordered to. A special code phrase that only elves should know.
>Adler: . . . Very carefully ask Vernier if she said anything before entering the woods and who told her about it.
>Vernier: Oh! Well, before you went to the hair salon there was this friendly old man who used to own a tavern who spoke to you. You were apprehensive at first, then he told you he was an honorary uncle in the Martin family, a very well know and influential family. He referred you to the hair salon that sent you here and he told you the phrase that would guarantee your safe passage through the wood. It was odd that he referred to himself as an old man, he didn't look that old. "Old by your standards." Whatever that means. He also told you that before you left the woods to tell "Lord Ramble" that he is very interested in meeting him.
>Adler: *HRRK* Why is it that every time something starts to go your way it immediately goes off the rails? Fuma's blessing of good luck seems to come with a curse of equally bad luck.