The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

Lowfolk Mercs: Give the little girl a glass of milk (which is only slightly rancid from the long walk out here) and some sweets (That are only a few years old and only very stale) so she calms down.
Adler: Accept the sweets and milk like a little girl begrudgingly, you are hungry after all. Almost throw up from the milk and sweets.
Estvaan: Explain to the mercs that Adler is the elf they are looking for.
Mercs: Be very bemused by Estvaan that he is claiming his daughter is the grand elf Adler.
Adler: I am not a little girl!

I think they'd know him as lord Randall, not Adler?

Show Content

SpoilerSee it with pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/33190852 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Adler: Let your Deranged Floozy Associate take the Deranged Floozy aside to calm down while you talk to these nice men.
>Adler: Finally some henchmen, and respect!
>Estvan: Take Rowan aside so Adler can converse with his potential minions. It's best to just let her tire herself out.

"Take charge of this deranged Floozy," I thought at Estvan via Elfmind as I stepped forward to greet the newcomers.

0115gentlemen.gif

"Gentlemen!" I exclaimed suavely. "Welcome to this outpost of Albric Tor. I trust you've made your way here to enter the service of the great Lord Randall?"

>Lowfolk Mercs: You overheard Rowan's shouting, you don't know why she's so upset. It was just a light, good-natured chuckle, you certainly didn't laugh her out of town like she said. She's just being hyper sensitive. Anyway, why are you out here, little girl?

"Sure," the lowfolk with the tricorn hat replied. "We were really just following Rowan to see where she went. We got a chuckle when the gold turned into twigs and leaves, yeah I admit it, but it wasn't worth running off in a huff like that! We were actually pretty impressed and figured there must be a genuine elf involved, or something like one. So where is he?"

"Look no further!" I declared.

"You are just the cutest thing," the other lowfolk interrupted. "Do you mind if I braid your hair while you declaim?"

>Adler: Why does everyone want to braid you hai- wait. LITTLE GIRL!?!
>Adler: I'm not a little girl.
>Mercs: Is that fox over there your father?
>Adler: I'm not a little girl.
>Mercs: Is he the elf that's recruiting like we've heard? It seems irresponsible getting his young daughter mixed up in all this.
Lowfolk Mercs: Give the little girl a glass of milk (which is only slightly rancid from the long walk out here) and some sweets (That are only a few years old and only very stale) so she calms down.
Adler: Accept the sweets and milk like a little girl begrudgingly, you are hungry after all. Almost throw up from the milk and sweets.
Estvaan: Explain to the mercs that Adler is the elf they are looking for.
Mercs: Be very bemused by Estvaan that he is claiming his daughter is the grand elf

0115tresses.gif

"So is that fox over there your father or something?" the one in the tricorn hat asked. "You said 'Lord Ramble,' right? He looks like the rambling type. Do we address him directly or, um, do we have to speak to him through you?"

"He's not -" I started to say.

"You have the silkiest, snowy white tresses," the other one murmured admiringly. "What conditioner do you use? After I've braided it all, I get a wish, right? I don't want much, just my own cozy little salon with three chairs .. and sinks."

"I'm not a little girl," I began.

"Shush now, missy," the one in the tricorn hat murmured at me. "Sure, you'll be all grown up in no time, but here now .. I brought you a treat. Now be a good girl and stay quiet while the grownups are talking."

He handed me a tumbler full of warm milk (with just a few pine needles floating in it from being carried through the forest) and a large stale cookie.

"I'm not a little girl," I grumbled. But I was hungry, so I took the proffered treat and began sullenly to nibble on the cookie.

"Are you Lord Ramble?" Tricorn Hat asked Estvan. "Forgive my impertinence if I'm not supposed to speak to you."

"Tish, quite all roight lad," Estvan chuckled, then pointed at me. "But sure an' that's the elf ye seek."

"Her? Seriously?" the lowfolk asked with visible skepticism. "What kind of father drags his innocent young daughter into such a shady business as the hiring of private mercenaries? Out in the middle of a tulgey wood, no less?"

>Adler: *scream like a little girl* I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL!!!
>Rowan and Estvan: Seeing this scene unfold has helped Rowan calm down. You are both sharing a hearty laugh at Adler's expense.
Adler: I am not a little girl!

0115hansoff.gif

"GET YER MITTS OFF OF MY FLOWING TRESSES!" I screeched. "I keep telling you I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL! I am the one known as Lord Randall! Now did you come out here to enter my service, or did you come to braid hair and make jokes?"

>Merc: Oh, my mistake. You're a full grown woman then? You know, Randall is a very masculine name for a woman.
>Adler: Your eye  begins twitching and you silently fume.
>Mercs: "Are you sure she's telling the truth?" "She must be, all the old stories say 'elves do not lie'." "I thought it was 'elves don't fry'." "Oh, that would be a very sad existence. I love fried food" "I'm pretty sure it's 'elves don't pry'." "That's definitely not it, elves pry into people's business all the time in the stories." "No-no. You're all mistaken, I definitely remember reading 'elves don't fly'." Everyone nods in agreement, that must be  it. Stands to reason.
>Adler: Screech again. You are not a little girl or a woman! You are a super masculine elf MAN! Are these lowfolk here to work for you or not!?
>Mercs: Well, that depends. What's the pay? Are there benefits? Dental? What about vacation time? What are the hours like? Does he support the Mercenaries Union? You are all experienced, valuable workmen with skills that are in very high demand in a very competitive field. There are  many employers that would jump at the opportunity to have you. What does Lord Randall bring to the table that none of your other potential contracts do?
>Adler: Blink. You don't understand anything they're talking about.
>Rowan: Step forward. You've seen your father negotiate like this hundreds of times. You know what they're asking for. Begin speaking legal and monetary jargon with the mercs for negotiation.
>Adler: As you stand there watching all these lowfolk talk about things you don't understand, you suddenly feel like the world has left you and everything you care about far behind.

Estvaan: Realize these men are not the smartest brambles in the bush say "Sure an ye lads would like a drink? Seein as ya made the long hike out here?"
Mercs: DRINK? DRINK!
Estvaan: Pook up as many drinks as you can.
Mercs: Because you are ravenous alcoholics drink every drink.
Estvaan: Pook up a contract for the mercs pledging undying loyalty to Adler Young.
Mercs: Sign your names over to the little girl.

(Estvan) Consider whether now is the time to run the old "Sure an Oi'm a god" scam.
(Estvan) At this moment, being a deity associated with BOOZE sounds like a good idea.
(Lowfolk Braider) Indicate that you're worried about alcoholic intake, given your hairdressing ambitions.
(Lowfolk Braider) In short, if you drink, don't strive. If you strive, don't drink.
(HM King Adler) Slowly come to the realization that the marten femme is a pretty fluid liar.
(HM King Adler) Smoothly drop some insinuations that the marten femme is holding out on the lads.
(Lowfolk Braider) Misinterpret the insinuation; assume that you're supposed to braid the marten's headfur to get a wish.
(Rowen) Disabuse the Braider of such a notion. With violence.
(Other Lowfolk) Be totally mesmerized by Estvan's shtick.
(Other Lowfolk) Have a Religious Moment.
(HM King Adler) To try to figure out how to get back on track.

Show Content

SpoilerIt has pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/33379333 and also at https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Merc: Oh, my mistake. You're a full grown woman then? You know, Randall is a very masculine name for a woman.
>Adler: Your eye begins twitching and you silently fume.

"My apologies, ma'am," the lowfolk person simpered. "You look much younger than you are. Is Randall normally a woman's name among elves though?"

0122twitch.gif

"Rrrgh," I said insightfully as my eye began to twitch and I crushed the rest of the cookie into crumbs.

>Mercs: "Are you sure she's telling the truth?" "She must be, all the old stories say 'elves do not lie'." "I thought it was 'elves don't fry'." "Oh, that would be a very sad existence. I love fried food" "I'm pretty sure it's 'elves don't pry'." "That's definitely not it, elves pry into people's business all the time in the stories." "No-no. You're all mistaken, I definitely remember reading 'elves don't fly'." Everyone nods in agreement, that must be it. Stands to reason.
>Adler: Screech again. You are not a little girl or a woman! You are a super masculine elf MAN! Are these lowfolk here to work for you or not!?

"How can you be sure she's telling the truth?" Tricorn Hat inquired.

"Duh, everybody knows elves don't lie. It's in all the old tales."

"Really? I thought it was 'elves don't fry.'"

"That's ridiculous. They eat bacon."

"Maybe so, but do they FRY bacon? That's an important distinction."

"I doubt they eat it raw."

"Maybe it's 'elves don't pry.'"

"Can't be that. They are super nosy and pry into everything."

"I AM NOT A GIRL OR A WOMAN, YOU DIMWITS," I bellowed. "I AM A MANLY MALE ELF! And it's 'elves do not lie.' Now, are you here to work for me, or are you just going to stand around jabbering stupidly?"

>Mercs: Well, that depends. What's the pay? Are there benefits? Dental? What about vacation time? What are the hours like? Does he support the Mercenaries Union?
(HM King Adler) To try to figure out how to get back on track.

"Well, that depends," the lowfolk in the regular hat replied. "What are the hours and what's the pay? Do you have a job description? How many days of paid leave do we get? Do you offer medical and dental coverage? And what about a pension plan?"

"ENOUGH!" I bellowed, completely losing my cool.

0122feral.gif

"Great Auk," Rowan exclaimed. "You .. turned him into a feral weasel?"

"That's what happens to people who annoy me," I panted, not entirely sure how I had done it.

"Can you change him back?" Tricorn Hat asked nervously.

"That depends on what kind of mood I'm in," I sneered in what I hoped was a menacing manner.

Estvaan: Pook up as many drinks as you can.
(Estvan) Consider whether now is the time to run the old "Sure an Oi'm a god" scam.
(Estvan) At this moment, being a deity associated with BOOZE sounds like a good idea.

"Sure an that remoinds me o' me days as a lowfolk god, bedad," Estvan chuckled. "Oi was this close to helpin' ye by Pookin' up a round or two o' drinks, but begorrah, tis glad oi am to see ye handle it yerself in foine old Long Ago style. An' sure, oi don't have to dip into me personal liquor stash at all at all."

"YESSSS!" a tiny voice squealed from nearby.

0122awyeah.gif

"That's the way to handle them, Sire!" Typantronn yelled as she and the Ixies buzzed into the stone circle. "We knew thou couldst do it!"

"OMG!!!1!" Angela crowed exuberantly. "That. Was. AWESOME!!1!!! I'm so glad we got back N time 2 C this! Ad- I mean Randall, UR my HERO!!"

>Typantronn: Did the lowfolks mistake him for a little girl?
>Everyone but Adler: Yes.
>Typantronn: Pay up girls!
>Tricorn Merc: Can you please change him back? He owes me money.
>Adler: It would be counter productive to leave him like that. Only two lowfolk saw it and you need all the help you can get right now. He wants to call you a little girl? Well, for his punishment he can be a little girl for a while. You'll change him back when you need some extra muscle.
>Little Girl Merc: ... Can I still have a Salon?
>Adler: I'll think about it if you behave.

Little Girl Merc: You're not really bothered by this change as long as you get your Salon.
Adler: Shut up about the Salon already you idiot.
Typantronn: Realize you have been working more than three hours ask for another promotion.
Adler: "NO! I just gave you a promotion!"
Typantronn: Begin organizing a protest with picket signs.
Angela: Don't understand the political implications of joining in a protest rally and proceed to go with it because your sisters are doing it.
Adler: Pinch your forehead in frustration, note that they have been spending too much time in the lowfolk world.
Estvaan: Take a "Sip" of whiskey from your flask.

(Feral Mustelid) Weasel-war dance all over the place.
(Estvan) Use your powers to harmlessly hold the little tube-beast in one spot.
(Estvan) That's hard work. Reward yourself with a drop of the craytur.
(Tricorn) Ask HM to change his friend back.
(HM King Adler) Decline.
(Tricorn) Ask HM to please change his friend back.
(HM King Adler) Decline!
(Tricorn) Get on your knees and ask pretty please to change his friend back.
(HM King Adler) In wrath cast a spell.
(Wise Professor Skunk) [in flashback] Note the ill-effects of casting spells in anger.
(Feral Weasel) Be changed. Quite dramatically.
(Rowen) SEETHE with jealousy re the changed form.
(Estvan) Be impressed. Toast HM the King.
(Adler) Go into a foot-stomping, mephitic rage and DEMAND that you be listened to.

Show Content

SpoilerBEHOLD! PICTURES! https://www.patreon.com/posts/33570699 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Typantronn: Did the lowfolks mistake him for a little girl?
>Everyone but Adler: Yes.
>Typantronn: Pay up girls!

"Tell me truly, someone, anyone," Typantronn called loudly. "Did yon lowfolk mistake our lord and sire for a little girl?"

"YES," Rowan and Estvan answered simultaneously.

0129payup.gif

"Ha ha! Pay up, sisters," Typantronn gloated. "That's fifty aphids each thou owest me."

"I'm ruined!" one of the other Ixies groaned.

"AHEM," I interrupted. "I sent you on a mission. What news do you bring of the Duchess of Daisies?"

"She has left Eire, Sire," Typantronn replied.

"Those bugs work for you?" Rowan asked with a slight tone of wonder. "That's .. almost impressive."

Typantronn: Realize you have been working more than three hours ask for another promotion.
Adler: "NO! I just gave you a promotion!"

"Pardon, Sire," Typantronn interjected. "In light of my exemplary service, might it not be appropriate to bestow honors and promotions upon my dutiful self?"

"Certainly not," I scoffed. "I just gave you a promotion the last time I saw you, and all you've done is what I ordered you to. You haven't gone above and beyond the call of duty - and furthermore, you've been gambling again after I told you not to. Be grateful I don't bust you down to Private and assign you to latrine duty!"

"Yes, Sire," Typantronn replied meekly.

(Feral Mustelid) Weasel-war dance all over the place.
(Estvan) Use your powers to harmlessly hold the little tube-beast in one spot.
(Estvan) That's hard work. Reward yourself with a drop of the craytur.

"Beggin yer pardons," Estvan piped up. "But sure an oi'm gettin' a bit weary o' holdin this angry weasel in place with me powerful elfly magick. Tis thirsty work, bedad!"

We all looked at the feral weasel writhing and thrashing in place.

0129weasel.gif

"What is it doing?" Rowan asked as we observed the animal's zany contortions.

"An ancient feral war-dance?" Angela theorized.

"It looketh like a low-level Frolic to me," one of the other Ixies suggested.

>Tricorn Merc: Can you please change him back? He owes me money.
(Tricorn) Ask HM to change his friend back.
(HM King Adler) Decline.
(Tricorn) Ask HM to please change his friend back.
(HM King Adler) Decline!

"He's trying to get our attention," Tricorn Hat murmured woefully. "Change him back."

"Why should I?" I retorted.

"Because he owes me money."

"Too bad."

"Please? Pretty please?" the lowfolk wheedled.

>Adler: It would be counter productive to leave him like that. Only two lowfolk saw it and you need all the help you can get right now. He wants to call you a little girl? Well, for his punishment he can be a little girl for a while. You'll change him back when you need some extra muscle.
Estvaan: Take a "Sip" of whiskey from your flask.
(Feral Weasel) Be changed. Quite dramatically.

"Oh, fine," I grumbled. "He's no use to me like this anyway."

I carefully composed a Gramarye and directed it at the weasel.

0129warning.gif

"For insolently calling me a little girl," I scolded, "it shall be your fate to remain a little girl yourself, until I choose to do otherwise."

>Little Girl Merc: ... Can I still have a Salon?
>Adler: I'll think about it if you behave.
Little Girl Merc: You're not really bothered by this change as long as you get your Salon.
(Adler) DEMAND that you be listened to.

"This suits me okay," the little girl mercenary chirped in her high squeaky voice. "As long as I can still have my beauty salon."

"You're in no position to make demands!" I pointed out. "You've entered my domain, and I have unimaginable power over you, so you'd better start taking me seriously!"

"You want mercenaries; I want a salon," she insisted. "I'm sure we can work out a deal."

>Adler: Begrudgingly admire the little girl merc's tenacity. That's a useful trait. You might reward her if she impresses you enough as a spy. No one ever suspects the little girl.
>Adler: Actually, hold on a minute. Since you've arrived, absolutely none of the lowfolk have been afraid of you. At best they've seen you as a novelty and at worst they've seen you as an irritant. What gives?
>Ixies: Jump in with an explanation. While you were scouting out the Duchess, you've noticed some disturbing developments in lowfolk society. The lowfolk that believe in or are aware of elves firmly believe that lowfolk society has surpassed elven society. To be frank, they do have an argument. Lowfolk are well on their way into the machine age, and elven society has collapsed. Lowfolk simply aren't intimidated nor have any reverence for elves anymore. Furthermore, with industry and economics buzzing through all their minds, there is not a single lowfolk in the land that will do something for nothing. Those two mercs that showed up? If Adler doesn't find a way to expedite the recruitment process, it's going to be like that Every. Single. Time.
>Rowan: Your father hires workers using standardized general contracts, that way he doesn't have to negotiate with every individual employee.
>Adler: Think for a minute. What on earth can you possibly pay them with when you have nothing? Plundering rights? Promise them land? *TING* You get a very unseelie idea. Elves don't lie and neither do contracts. If you can write up a contract using enough flowery and misleading language, you can get full-time labor out of them and in the end give them very little. You'll need to get a hold of one of those "printing presses" mentioned earlier to mass distribute them. Alright, if this is how lowfolk do things now, then you'll just have to do it better. Welcome to Lord Randal Incorporated.

Adler: You know these poor dupes can be used for your grand plans, but they are going to need to be armed, pook up some uniforms complete with spears and shields for the lowfolk.
Lowfolk Tricorn: You are confused as to why you are holding a pike, you where one of the best Handgunners in the 16th Greencoat Handgunners at the battle of Fort Beaver.
Lowfolk Merc Girl: "This pike is too big! Why are you giving me a heavy shield!? Where did my cute dress go!?
Estvaan and Adler: Plug your ears quickly! You forgot how bad children could be.
Rowan: Your maternal instincts kick in, you try to console the little girl
Lowfolk Tricorn: "Now miss- I mean Mr. Adler, I want you to know I graduated top of my class in General H.G Peckingbottom's school of gunnery and I have over 300... no 30, or was it.... yes 3! Confirmed kills, I want a gun and I want it now. I ain't no namby pamby pikeman, I am a sharpshooter!

>Adler, lost in the annoying noise, enter an almost trance state and in a rare moment of badassness, order everyone to shut up in a manner that is actualy pretty commanding.
>Then negociation can commence.
>You want a gun ? Well guess what your first mission will be to procure a few of them, then. You wanted to have a look at one of those anyway. Beg, borrow or steal if you must, don't care. If you need elf gold to sucker someone, there'll be an endless supply of that where that come from
>You want a sallon ? .. Er , maybe later... but you'll let her braid your hair i the meantime, how bout that. And you may not make shoes but you can transmute her some very pretty dresses from rags. Turns out you're surprisingly good at fashion.
>And for that matter make a note going to have to hire soeone to negociate contracts for you. If you're gonna be a king/leader/genral/god/whatever, you can't deal with every cooky character and shenanigans all the time. It's exhausting and it really stals the plo... your plans.

Show Content

SpoilerWith accompanying illustrations https://www.patreon.com/posts/33784835 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Rowan: Your father hires workers using standardized general contracts, that way he doesn't have to negotiate with every individual employee.
Lowfolk Tricorn: "Now miss- I mean Mr. Adler, I want you to know I graduated top of my class in General H.G Peckingbottom's school of gunnery and I have over 300... no 30, or was it.... yes 3! Confirmed kills, I want a gun and I want it now. I ain't no namby pamby pikeman, I am a sharpshooter!

"Three chairs and sinks, like I said," the little girl continued. "It's not much to ask, really. Oh, and can I braid your hair for practice in the meantime?"

"No, you may not," I snapped. "And you don't get a salon until you've served me enough to earn one."

"How long will that be? And can I get it in writing?"

"I hope I'll be issued muskets," Tricorn Hat blurted. "I'm an experienced handgunner."

"Don't you have your own weapons?" I inquired.

"Nope."

"And you expect me to give you some before you've done anything for me?"

"I sort of need them to do the job," he pointed out.

"I've seen my father negotiate contracts," Rowan chimed in. "Actually he uses a standard one for various classes of employee, so he doesn't have to bargain from scratch every time."

"Contracts?" I asked, sensing something faintly Unseelie.

"A document that lays out precisely the terms of an agreement, so each party knows what is expected of them. It's legally binding. Both parties are obligated to abide by its terms. That way they can't cheat each other out of what they've promised to do.

"I'm an elf!" I cried. "My word is my bond! I'll not enter into any written oath, and it's a dark day when I'll even swear a spoken one!"

"I'm afraid that won't satisfy this lot," Rowan said, with a shake of her head. "Now, if you'll allow me to negotiate on your behalf..."

"My equipment can't be too heavy," the little girl pointed out. "And I want a rider stipulating there must be at least three meals a day."

>Adler: Actually, hold on a minute. Since you've arrived, absolutely none of the lowfolk have been afraid of you. At best they've seen you as a novelty and at worst they've seen you as an irritant. What gives?
>Ixies: Jump in with an explanation. While you were scouting out the Duchess, you've noticed some disturbing developments in lowfolk society. . Lowfolk are well on their way into the machine age, and elven society has collapsed. Lowfolk simply aren't intimidated nor have any reverence for elves anymore. Furthermore, with industry and economics buzzing through all their minds, there is not a single lowfolk in the land that will do something for nothing.

0205irritated.gif

"What is going on?" I grumbled. "Why are these lowfolk so annoying? Why are they not standing in reverential awe of my elfly majesty?"

"That may be the Duchess's doing, Sire," Typantronn replied. "We noticed while scouring the land for traces of her, that the concept of industry hath started to catch on everywhere. The lowfolk's material wealth is increasing and they have little need for magick, whereas it seemeth that elvish society has collapsed and that thou posesseth nothing of value. Wages hath replaced joy in almost all fields of endeavor. None of them will work for free, and few will pledge themselves on trust."

"That's appalling," I said with a shudder.

"Oh, and by the way," the trees rustled. "This has been amusing, but if you're seriously trying to assemble an army, we can't allow that. We are going to have to crack down and stop permitting people through the forest."

Well, in that case there was no point in continuing this farce any longer. If I wasn't going to be allowed to amass an army, then there was no point dealing with these imbeciles .. and if the Duchess of Daisies had left Eire, then what did I need an army for anyway?

>Adler, lost in the annoying noise, enter an almost trance state and in a rare moment of badassness, order everyone to shut up in a manner that is actualy pretty commanding.
If you're gonna be a king/leader/genral/god/whatever, you can't deal with every cooky character and shenanigans all the time. It's exhausting and it really stals the plo... your plans.

0205stupid.gif

"SHUT UP!!" I bellowed at the bickering lowfolk. "Shut up, all of you! This is stupid! YOU'RE stupid! Marten femme, you do not speak for me! None of you work for me! You just came out here to gawk and you're not taking this seriously at all! I've had enough of you! Leave my forest immediately!"

"What about -"

"NO!! You get NOTHING! No gold, no guns, no salon, no fancy uniforms, and DEFINITELY no shoes!"

"Will you at least turn me back to normal?" the little girl asked.

"Nope. You didn't show me the proper reverence and respect due to a magickal creature! A member of the elfin nobility, no less! You decided it'd be funnier to waste my time and goof around; well OFF with you! I've had enough! Begone, fools!"

"Hudalaeigh!" Estvan cackled. "Sure an that's tellin 'em, bedad!"

>Adler: Are you really going to send away the woman whom your tree guards are sworn to obey? Based on what the trees themselves have told you, her will outweighs their orders. They can be forced to stand down if she tells them to.
>Estvan: Stop everyone from leaving and spell it out for Adler. "You are operating from a severely hindered position, your survival depends on stealth and cunning NOT overt force! Start a cult, bedad! It's always worked for me. Make these three lowfolk into acolytes instead of soldiers! Hand out flyers, get offerings from worshipers, have a network of spies! I've been suggesting that this whole time! Listen to your elders!"
>All three: Actually, a seat in a holy order would be a pretty sweet gig.

>Adler: Finally this distraction has been cleared, and your real work can begin. You have a scrying tower and can use it to speak to people. Search the land for the select few who still believe in elves and magic, dreamers and mystics who will heed your call instead of lure of gold. You need agents not mercs!

Estvaan: Point out the fact that Adler made you swear a binding oath just a few minutes ago, tell him he is being a bit of a short sighted hypocrite saying that he will never swear one.
Mercs: Don't leave you have had to deal with some very pompous leaders before and this one is still an elf, there are shoes and salons to be had by Fuma.
Rowan: Remind Adler you have complete control over the trees and tell the stupid git to stop having a baby meltdown.
Adler: You need secret agents to fight this war, this will not be won by force but by skulduggery, these lowfolk can be used for that purpose.

Show Content

SpoilerSee it with pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/33984524 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Adler: Are you really going to send away the woman whom your tree guards are sworn to obey?
>Estvan: Stop everyone from leaving and spell it out for Adler. "You are operating from a severely hindered position, your survival depends on stealth and cunning NOT overt force! Start a cult, bedad! It's always worked for me. Make these three lowfolk into acolytes instead of soldiers! Hand out flyers, get offerings from worshipers, have a network of spies!"
>Adler: Finally this distraction has been cleared, and your real work can begin. You have a scrying tower and can use it to speak to people. Search the land for the select few who still believe in elves and magic, dreamers and mystics who will heed your call instead of lure of gold. You need agents not mercs!
Estvaan: Point out the fact that Adler made you swear a binding oath just a few minutes ago, tell him he is being a bit of a short sighted hypocrite saying that he will never swear one.
Rowan: Remind Adler you have complete control over the trees.
Adler: You need secret agents to fight this war, this will not be won by force but by skulduggery, these lowfolk can be used for that purpose.

0212hold.gif

"Now then," Estvan continued, suddenly serious. "Fun's fun, an' oi admoire yer gumption, lad, but sure ye moight be actin' a bit hasty turnin' these lowfolk away so quick. Instead o' buildin' an army, ye should start a cult! Sure an it always worked fer me."

"Don't forget, I have influence with the trees," Rowan reminded me.

"That explains you," I grumped. "But how did these other two get here?"

"We followed her," they said in unison.

"Sure an ye'll need secret agents to do yer biddin' whoile yer trapped here, bedad," Estvan reminded me. "Ixies are foine fer some things, but their physical abilities are limited. If it's rehabilitatin' yerself an' eventually escapin' yer wantin' to do, well then, begorrah yer gonna need help."

"Precisely the kind of help a band of loyal mercenaries can provide!" Rowan exclaimed. "Now, about that contract.."

"I'M NOT SIGNING ANY CONTRACT!" I snapped. "IT'S UN-ELFLY!"

"Ye made me swear an oath not so long ago, ye spalpeen," Estvan muttered.

"That was different! It was between elves, and you were trying to kill me!"

"Don't ferget ye've also promised to let me use the scroyin' tower an' its library."

"Right," I stalled as an idea began to take shape in my mind. "But I still do need you lot to go away. With the Duchess gone, there's nothing for you to do at the moment .. but just to keep you on retainer .." I reached into my Elfintory and pulled out three gold bravoes. "This is real gold. It won't turn into sticks or mud or anything. There's more where that came from, and you can get some of it if you return when I summon you. Spread the word to anyone else you know who might be interested. Now get lost. I don't want to see you again til I call for you."

"Begorrah, that's not the way -" Estvan began.

"You and I have a scrying tower to inspect," I interrupted. "Through the Gate," I added via Elfmind.

"But that'll cause -"

"Precisely," I smirked. "I want to be gone for a good long while, to give those creeps some time to mature, or possibly die."

>All three: Actually, a seat in a holy order would be a pretty sweet gig.

0212gold.gif

As Estvan and I entered the dolmen arch, I turned and focused my attention on the lowfolk, who were strolling into the tulgey undergrowth outside the circle.

"Well that was a bust," Tricorn Hat grumbled. "Oak got transmogrified and you got a sweet uniform, but I got nothing."

"You got a new little sister," Rowan chuckled. "And a gold doubloon, which is certainly far from nothing. I can't wait to get this appraised. He said there's plenty more where this came from, and elves don't lie. If we play our cards right, the silly little crybaby will be needing us again real soon."

Hmmm! It seemed my mercenaries were already plotting against me...

"Are ye comin' or not, bedad?" Estvan gekkered from under the dolmen.

0212scold.gif

We made our way back into the scrying tower, where the old tod proceeded to rummage through the library.

"Lorem ipsum! Lorem ipsum! Lorem ipsum!!" he barked while tossing books and scrolls over his shoulder. "Cushlamochree! All o' these are written in that nonsensical gibberish!"

"Hey, quit throwing things around," I scolded. "You're making a complete mess, and you almost knocked over my alchemical apparatus."

0212behold.gif

I bent down to pick up one of the books which had landed face-down on the floor, and turned it over to look at the pages.

"Are you sure you checked this one?" I asked. "It's not written in Lorem Ipsum. This is a .. uh .. it looks like a treatise on planetary alignments and moon energy, or something like that."

>Egad! Have a fantastic discovery followed by exciting exposition.
>Estvan: "Now then, about that alchemy set."
>Adler: Explain that you were trying to steam gun powder.
>Estvan: *blink* .... Why?

>The lorem ipsum must be some kind of copy protection to keep the books unreadable to outsider eyes. Think hard, what's different about this one? Did you handle it differently from the other books?

Estvaan: That book! That is the key to breaking this time warp bullshit, also that other book has some very lewd and crude drawings of Elf history.
Adler: Oh my goodness! That femme is... don't get distracted Adler, she is probably dead by now. Show Estvaan the actually important tome.
Estvaan: Remember you have a wife and child and look away from the sinful but sexy pictures. You then realize that this spell could be incredibly useful, especially since you want to keep tabs on the lowfolk.

Show Content

SpoilerSee pictures https://www.patreon.com/posts/34180730 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>The lorem ipsum must be some kind of copy protection to keep the books unreadable to outsider eyes. Think hard, what's different about this one? Did you handle it differently from the other books?
Estvaan: That book! That is the key to breaking this time warp bullshit

"Sure an that sounds loike a celestial gazetteer," Estvan theorized. "Those planetary tables are what ye need to properly reconcile the toime discrepancies between worlds. But oi looked at all the books oi chucked over, bedad! What did ye do to this one, to be able to read it?"

"Nothing," I murmured. "I just picked it up."

"Let me see that," he insisted, scooting next to me to peer at the pages of the book. "Begorrah, tis nothin' but Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit at all, at all.. Sure an the DV put a powerful glamer on these books to keep 'em safe from unauthorized eyes, if even oi who have Fuma's own Gift o' Power am unable to read one whose contents are already known to me, bedad."

0219thisone.gif

"What's in this one?" he asked, picking up a random book from the pile where he had tossed them.

"That's just full of Lorem Ipsum nonsense," I observed.

>Estvan: "Now then, about that alchemy set."
>Adler: Explain that you were trying to steam gun powder.

0219alchem.gif

"Hmmm," Estvan mused thoughtfully. "So yer able to read some that oi can't, but there are still others which neither of us are permitted. Sure, tis a puzzle ... BEGORRAH! What is it ye were tryin to do with this wee alchemy set?"

"Oh," I replied. "I was trying to steam some of that exploding powder that the lowfolk make."

>Estvan: *blink* .... Why?

0219why.gif

>Adler: Get very defensive and attempt to justify your ridiculous, hackneyed steam scheme.
>Estvan: Keep shaking your head while he speaks. You're not mad, just very disappointed. Whenever you try introducing water to something combustible, it stops being combustible....

>Adler: Nonsense! The old Iranaeus once made water burn when angry enough, and you are no less than him!
>Estvan: That boyo is way less than him. Share a tale of you meeting him once.

Show Content

SpoilerShort episode because it's been a terribly busy week, and also only two people with comments? To quote Gob Bluth: "COME ON!"
See both pictures at https://www.patreon.com/posts/34375026 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

>Adler: Get very defensive and attempt to justify your ridiculous, hackneyed steam scheme.
Estvan: Whenever you try introducing water to something combustible, it stops being combustible....
>Adler: Nonsense! The old Iranaeus once made water burn when angry enough, and you are no less than him!
>Estvan: That boyo is way less than him.

"Ye do know, lad," Estvan stated with a suspicious squint at me, "that when ye introduce water to somethin' flammable, it stops bein' flammable at all, at all?"

0226iknewthat.gif

"Of course I know that!" I protested. "For Fuma's sake, give me a little bit of credit! I'm not a complete moron, you know! And besides, aren't you forgetting that Irenaeus once set fire to a river? If he could do it, why couldn't I?"

"Sure an that was after he poured barrels of oil on it," Estvan remarked. "An you, me boyo, are no Irenaeus."

"Well, mister smarty-pants," I sneered. "I wasn't steaming the exploding-powder with water. I was steaming it with alcohol, so there."

>Estvan: Keep shaking your head while he speaks. You're not mad, just very disappointed

1226letsjust.gif

"Oh well begorrah, that's entoirely different," Estvan noted inscrutably. "Look, lad, let's just get into the scryin' devoice an foind me dear woife an son, shall we? The sooner oi'm gone, the sooner ye can continue yer wee experiments, bedad."