The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

>The braids are a good look for your hair, tho....

>Adler: Turn out to ends up recieving good counceling and advice (or at least highly practical one) yourself from the encounter

>Turns out to have something you're very good at, you can give in exchange of food.

Adler: You can't manage to untie the braid
Ethel: Be as belligerent as you possibly can be
Adler: Love her all the more

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"Aw, I guess we really offended him," I could hear Trudy pouting.

"Great wishing there, Trude," Jerry quipped sarcastically. "You could have had anything, but now you've got nothing."

"Oh hush, don't be crabby. I'll send Ethel out here and maybe she can get something out of him."

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After the lowfolk left, I stood in the shadows of the dolmen and thought of ways I might be able to get the book, "Le Chanson du Percy" into the tower where I could study it at my liesure. Certainly it was possible to bring lowfolk things into Faerie; Percy himself had snuck in somehow. It seemed that this particular Gate was tuned to exclude them - which made sense, for security reasons, since this connected directly to the base of the scrying tower.

But I also knew that this same Gate connected to multiple points around Albric Tor. Generally a Gate linked you back to the same place you left, but there might be a way to re-assign the destination on the Faerie side .. if I could do that, then it might enable me to access other parts of the city, or maybe even circumvent Edessa's geas and make my escape. It would take some doing, though. I would need to know where the other access points were, as well as how to link the Gate to them.

1121youtheelf.gif

My thoughts were interrupted by a melodious feminine voice bellowing "HEY IN THERE. YOU THE ELF?"

I turned to look, and beheld the most ravishing creature I had seen outside of Faerie. Her lithe figure, her lustrous ebony tresses, her adorable glower ... suddenly I began to understand why elves of the Long Ago had gotten into so much trouble with lowfolk femmes. I gritted my teeth and remembered my Wiles training. If anyone was going to be in charge here, it would surely be me!

>Adler: When the wayward sister Ethel arrives, Goodness Gracious! She's the most beautiful lowfolk woman you've ever seen!
>Ethel: Counter to your gentle appearance, your manner of speech is very coarse and shockingly vulgar.
>Ethel: "Why do you have a fake accent?"
>You know, up close the lowfolk appeared surprisingly tall, even the female towered over you.
Adler: You can't manage to untie the braid
Ethel: Be as belligerent as you possibly can be

1121ethel.gif

I quickly bounded out of the dolmen, twirled around, and made a low bow. "Hudalaleigh," I exclaimed. "Sure an' is this the bonny Ethel I see before me?"

"Your accent blows," she scoffed. "It's faker than my sister's hair extensions. is your name really Lord Randall? What are you supposed to be the lord of? You look kinda puny, have you been eating right? You smell funny. They said you had gorgeous hair, but it looks crummy to me. How come one side is braided and the other side is straight? When's the last time you washed it? I don't think you're the elf. Where is the elf? If Gertrude was lying to me, so help me, I'm gonna pulverize her. WELL? You are Lord Randall, aintcha? You gonna grant me a wish or are you gonna stand there gawking at me all afternoon?"

I stood for a moment, completely taken aback. Being this close to her was almost overwhelming. For Fuma's sake, why were these lowfolk so ridiculously tall? That certainly was not helping matters.

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SpoilerI don't know if Thanksgiving is celebrated outside of the US but I'll wish everybody a happy one just in case.

>Ethel: Your wish is similar to your sister's if more specific. You and Trudy used to be as close as sisters could be without it being creepy. Then Jerry showed up, broke your heart, and stole Trudy's. Now he's sitting pretty on what little of your family's money he hasn't spent with your sister wrapped around his finger. Your wish is simple, "Jerry has to go." Since you're not the type of person who just takes something for nothing, if the so-called "elf" can pull this off, you'll do something for him in return.

>Take pity on the poor thing, it's clearly undernourished which surely explain why it's so small, weak and mentaly slow.

>Ethel: You nevr had any problem with your sister actualy, she just sort of got that weird idea in her head. I mean sure you're not quite as close but hey that's because you grew up, got your own life to worry about now.

>Buut you reckon you could do with sime excitement in your life.

>Ethel: This has been a waste of your time. "Speak up, elflet or I'm gone!"

>"Lord Randall": "Elflet?" Great Fuma what an absolutely delightful nickname!

>"Lord Randall's stomach: Make your hunger known.

>Ethel: Hear the stomach growls, misinterpret it entirely.

(I think I'm liking Ethel already).

_{Fifi's not dead dammit!!}

Ethel: Get so annoyed by the inconsistent braid "Fix" it for him by braiding the other side
Adler: Somehow you can do nothing to refuse this beautiful femme, somehow she is able to use wiles on you without her being aware of or even trying to use it.

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>Ethel: This has been a waste of your time. "Speak up, elflet or I'm gone!"
>"Lord Randall": "Elflet?" Great Fuma what an absolutely delightful nickname!

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Ethel leaned down and looked me right in the eye. My heart raced and my scalp prickled! Never had I gone up against such powerful Wiles! I tried my best not to give away my state of mind by any outward sign.

"You're a nincompoop," Ethel scoffed. "If you weren't so tiny, I wouldn't even believe you were an elf. Why are you so tiny? Are you some kind of elflet? Huh?"

She called me an elflet! How precious!

"I can't decide if you're dimwitted, or .." she continued. "There's something about your looks that bothers me, but I can't quite .. it's gotta be the braid. That thing is driving me nuts. Why only one side? You look ridiculous. Hold still a second."

Ethel: Get so annoyed by the inconsistent braid "Fix" it for him by braiding the other side
Adler: Somehow you can do nothing to refuse this beautiful femme

1128braiding.gif

She knelt next to me, grabbed my other side-lock, and began braiding it. Shivers of delight ran down my spine!

"Stand still and quit squirming!" Ethel snapped. "I swear, you sure are twitchy enough to be an elf. I think you're crazy. Are you crazy? Or is that what passes for sanity in elfland?"

"It's perfectly foine oi am," I squeaked in a thin, warbly voice.

"Still doing the accent, huh? Well I think you're nuts. Okay, there, your hair's braided. Let's have a look at you."

>Take pity on the poor thing, it's clearly undernourished which surely explain why it's so small, weak and mentaly slow.
>"Lord Randall's stomach: Make your hunger known.
>Ethel: Hear the stomach growls

1128tummy.gif

She began to stand up, when suddenly my stomach growled.

"What was that?" Ethel asked. "Are you hungry? You poor thing, you're starving aren't you? Living out here in the woods all by yourself. I knew as soon as I saw you, that you weren't eating right. 'Ethel' I said to myself, 'that pitiful creature is lonely and malnourished.' It explains why you're so small and slow-witted. Once you get some decent food in you, you'll feel better."

"Sure an' oi -" I began.

>Ethel: You and Trudy used to be as close as sisters could be without it being creepy. Then Jerry showed up, broke your heart, and stole Trudy's. Now he's sitting pretty on what little of your family's money he hasn't spent with your sister wrapped around his finger. Your wish is simple, "Jerry has to go." ...if the so-called "elf" can pull this off, you'll do something for him in return.

1128thedeal.gif

"Okay, here's the deal," Ethel interrupted. "Maybe you're an elf and maybe you're not, but what I want doesn't necessarily require magic. You see, I want Jerry gone. I used to love that jerk, but he broke my heart and now he's using my sister to try and get hold of the inheritance, which he intends to use as capital to start up his shoe business, which is idiotic because I don't even know anybody who wears shoes around here. He's gonna lose all the money and we'll all wind up living under a rock, like you. So, you get rid of Jerry for me and I'll bring you food. Okay, elf. Get to work."

With that, she turned and stalked away into the forest.

>Lure Jerry into the sewers under Albic Tor and leave him stranded there, no way he ever finds his way back home.

Ethel's cool and kinda hot!

>Adler: Whilst flower petals and little cartoon hearts dance through your head, wonder if the tone Ethel used was a "By Any Means Necessary" Tone. How do you feel about outright killing someone in cold-blood? Even if it is for the bestest, most prettiest, most smarterest lowfolk lady in the whole wide world!
>Adler: Whatever you decide to do, you should study your mark to get a build on his personality and habits. You can always scry-spy, as a matter of fact.
>Adler: While you're poking around in the scrylight zone, you stumble across Sergeant-Major Bonsai and his shrub-soldiers. They were still guarding the magic gate during the battle and escaped the plague. They heard that the plague was your fault and, horrified by your actions and the part they played in it, have left the army to swear a blood-oath (sap-oath?) and are honor bound to hunt you down like a rabid beast. You now have the must elite of the elite battle shrubs hunting for you, and when they find you, they intend to kill you in the most agonizingly slow way imaginable. Why does your life just keep getting more complicated?

>Adler: Maybe you can make Jerry gone by sending him on a quest. Perhaps a treasure hunt. That would make him gone while not getting either of the sisters angry. And you have a scrying tower, so you might be able to find some treasure for him to hunt in the lowfolk world.

>Adler's hair: Demonstrate why elves don't usually braid their hair by re-enacting shampoo commercials. They don't want to deal with the volume.

>Adler: If Ethel gives you trouble in your future, maybe you can defend yourself by dancing with her.

Adler: Ethel's wishes must be met, REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!
Ethel: Hope that your sister can get over Jerry "leaving" her.

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Ethel's cool and kinda hot!
wonder if the tone Ethel used was a "By Any Means Necessary" Tone. How do you feel about outright killing someone in cold-blood?
>Adler: If Ethel gives you trouble in your future, maybe you can defend yourself by dancing with her.
Adler: Ethel's wishes must be met, REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!

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With mixed feelings of awe and dismay, I watched Ethel leave. That femme was dangerous! She was devastatingly beautiful, adorably cold-blooded, and her Wiles abilities were beyond compare! If she came back, I was definitely going to have to go on the offensive, just for my own protection. Perhaps if I whisked her off her feet with some elvish dance moves, she would be too overwhelmed to try manipulating me, and then I'd have the upper hand!

But for now, I had to try to parse her wish. When she said she wanted Jerry gone, did she mean .. did she mean for me to kill him? I wasn't sure if I could do that. On one hand, he was just a lowfolk, so it shouldn't be a problem .. but on the other hand, I had never killed anyone before - well, except for an entire city full of innocent elves, but that wasn't on purpose! Nor was that gang of brigands on the road to Athstead .. come to think of it, I guess I was rather deadly after all. Just like a true heir of Irenaeus!

>Lure Jerry into the sewers under Albic Tor and leave him stranded there
>Adler: Whatever you decide to do, you should study your mark to get a build on his personality and habits. You can always scry-spy, as a matter of fact.
>Adler: Maybe you can make Jerry gone by sending him on a quest. Perhaps a treasure hunt. That would make him gone while not getting either of the sisters angry. And you have a scrying tower, so you might be able to find some treasure for him to hunt in the lowfolk world.
>Adler's hair: Demonstrate why elves don't usually braid their hair by re-enacting shampoo commercials. They don't want to deal with the volume.

1205unbraid.gif

But no, I thought as I pulled the braids out of my hair. No, I could not kill Jerry. Not because I cared about him at all, but because of how such an Unseelie action might affect me. I was going to have to find a non-lethal way to get rid of him.

My first idea was to lure him into the Maze of Mirrors in the Albric Tor Underworks, where he would get forever lost and never return. On further reflection I realized that this was basically the same as killing him; I would be abandoning him to die in an underground maze. Also there was the logistical problem of getting him through the Gate which was tuned to reject anything from the lowfolk world - and even if I could do that, how would I get him across the poisoned field, into the city, and into the maze without entering it myself?

For all that, if I could get him into Faerie, it would be far simpler to just shove him out the door and let him breathe a nice lungful of the Plague of Battles. But then, that would be the same as killing him.

Maybe I could send him on some kind of quest, since he seemed like the type who was always chasing after wealth. Hmm, yes, this idea had possibilities, but I would need to identify some sort of treasure for him to find .. or else concoct some way to send him on a wild goose chase without actually lying (because ELVES DO NOT LIE!!) .. and how exactly was I going to communicate with him?

The problem was too complex.

I needed to focus on something simpler and more immediate.

1205howtodoit.gif

I walked under the dolmen and pulled the Chanson du Percy out of my Elfintory.

Now then, how could I get this object into Faerie?

I stepped over the threshold of the Gate, and I could feel the book pulled from my hand as I passed through. I stepped back across and looked at the book lying on the floor of the dolmen chamber.

Hmm. Clearly, it was impossible to physically carry a lowfolk object from their side to my side .. but what if ..

I studied the ground carefully and tried my best to memorize the size and location of the book. Then I stepped through the Gate, into the room underneath the scrying tower. I concentrated and visualized the book just as I had seen it a moment ago, then reached out mentally, as if to apport it ..

1205bookpook.gif

EALA! The book materialized in my hand!! I did it!

>And then the book explodes. Surely you didn't think it would be that easy? Evidently you weren't the first to try.

Book, do a nasty thing as soon as Adler attempts to open you.

Adler, remember that you heard of certain elves that could copy the contents of books. You could try copying the Chanson to a blank elf-made book, or switching its contents with one of the manuals in the tower... It's unlikely any lowfolk could make any sense of those, anyway, even if they do read it...
Of course, you'll still need a second copy of the Chanson in order to try...

Maybe you can send Jerry on a quest to retrieve another Chanson book... Particularly, if they turn out to be rare. Or just pretend that you're testing his questing abilities by having him provide you with another book, before you send him off to do something more difficult...

Also, take note that lowfolk seem to be far better at wiles and trickery than elves. Perhaps that's why so many elves that dealt with them met most unfortunate ends...

Adler: "except for an entire city full of innocent elves, but that wasn't on purpose! Nor was that gang of brigands on the road to Athstead .. come to think of it, I guess I was rather deadly after all. Just like a true heir of Irenaeus!" Adler that is not something to be proud of.
Adler: Try using the Scrying Tower to find a treasure for Jerry to desperately hunt for.

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>And then the book explodes. Surely you didn't think it would be that easy?
Book, do a nasty thing as soon as Adler attempts to open you.

1212flinch.gif

"GREAT AUK AND FUMA!!" I exclaimed as I fully realised what I had done. Lowfolk artifacts were barred from this Gate for a good reason! Probably!!

I quickly dropped the book and cringed away from it, just in case it wanted to explode, or melt, or burst into a puff of poison gas or something.

The book lay quietly on the floor where I had dropped it.

1212nudge.gif

After a long pause, I poked it carefully with my foot.

Nothing happened.

Still, better safe than sorry. I whispered some Gramarye instructing the book to remain inert & harmless. Then I carefully picked it up, dusted it off, and placed it in my Elfintory.

Maybe you can send Jerry on a quest to retrieve another Chanson book
lowfolk seem to be far better at wiles and trickery than elves. Perhaps that's why so many elves that dealt with them met most unfortunate ends...
Adler: Try using the Scrying Tower to find a treasure for Jerry to desperately hunt for.

With this, I theorized I would be able to forge a sympathetic link with other copies of the Chanson du Percy, and locate them with the scrying tower. Then, perhaps I could send Jerry off to collect them, thereby accomplishing two goals at one time.

I would have to be very careful in my dealings with him. Though he may have seemed like a simple-minded goal-oriented lummox, I had to keep reminding myself that lowfolk were deceptively clever. They could lie whenever they wanted to! They were smarter than they looked! They had powerful Wiles! My ancient predecessors had been no match for them!

1212caution.gif

But before I had any dealings with treacherous lowfolk, I was going to have to run the gauntlet of plague-infected crows again. Carefully I peeped out from under the trap-door cover, and looked around.

No sign of belligerent crows.

I picked up the large magickal tome I had dropped here earlier, and tucked it into my Elfintory alongside the Chanson. I could put them on the shelf in the tower later.

Cautiously I emerged from the trap-door hole and stood on the upper porch. No crows to be seen. The field all around was eerily silent. I tried not to look too closely at the ground, but my quick, furtive glimpses revealed no movement except for an occasional wisp of greenish vapor curling up from .. no .. I wasn't going to think about that!

I strode resolutely toward the tower and grasped the door handle. I heard a soft pook behind me, followed by a familiar rattly buzzing.

Sergeant-Major Bonsai and his shrub-soldiers. They were still guarding the magic gate during the battle and escaped the plague. They heard that the plague was your fault and, horrified by your actions and the part they played in it, have left the army to swear a blood-oath (sap-oath?) and are honor bound to hunt you down like a rabid beast.

1212ixie.gif

"Ah, Sire, thou art safe," the Ixie addressed me, without getting any closer. "How art thou feeling? I love what thou'st done with thy hair."

"Where exactly have you and your sisters been since the battle?" I asked, trying to sound calm.

"Sorry for our protracted absence, Sire," the Ixie replied, still maintaining her distance. "The area was beset with angry birds, and that is a game which we of the Ominous Orse do not play."

"The birds are gone," I observed, hoping that maybe she could explain it.

"Thus I am here," she stated uninformatively. "I bring ill tidings. Sergeant-Major Bonsai of the Shrub Knights, being their highest ranking surviving officer, is now Supreme Commander of all Imperial forces. He hath heard of what he assumeth was thy treachery here at Albric Tor, and his battalion hath sworn a sap-oath that their Emperor shall be avenged. They lie in wait, amassing their forces beyond the Gate toward Gladsome Antglade."

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Spoiler
If you want to hear an approximation of what Estvan Silverbrush sounds like -
If you want to hear what I actually do sound like -
If you want to hear a Yuletide holiday rambling as only Eric O. Costello can write it -
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>Adler: More bad news?! No! You've had an entire lifetime's worth of bad news in just the last few days! NO MORE! Command the Ixie to reword her report and give you the bad news in a good way.
>Adler: What else is there to do but panic?
>Adler: These little pests really do seem to have an agenda different from your own. You're not really in a position to tell them to scram, but watch them like a hawk, and the moment you catch them doing something, then they'll be in for it!
>Adler: Um, oh- Also trip on something in a humorous way.

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Spoiler >Adler: tentatively ask if any of your lieutenants survived. At least the ones you liked.

>Pfft, what are they gonna do, throw shade on you? Let them grow their forces for all they want, odds are they end up rooted on the spot!
>Send the ixie to gather your friends to your help! Well, allies. People you know. That one guy who was polite to you once?

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>Adler: More bad news?! No!
>Adler: What else is there to do but panic?

1219ohno.gif

OH NO!!

For a moment I gave in to sheer panic as I imagined the prospect of a squadron of bloodthirsty Shrub Knights hunting for me.

>Pfft, what are they gonna do, throw shade on you? Let them grow their forces for all they want, odds are they end up rooted on the spot!

But as I thought about it further, the panic subsided. I had seen these Shrub Knights in action, and although they had technically bested my troops in battle, those troops were idiots - and the Knights were armed with nonlethal weapons.

What exactly were they going to do, rustle their leaves at me? I could move faster than a Shrub any day of the week!

Command the Ixie to reword her report and give you the bad news in a good way.
>Adler: These little pests really do seem to have an agenda different from your own. You're not really in a position to tell them to scram, but watch them like a hawk
>Adler: tentatively ask if any of your lieutenants survived.
>Send the ixie to gather your friends to your help! Well, allies. People you know.

1219distrust.gif

"You could have worded your message a bit more positively," I scolded the Ixie. Was she deliberately trying to scare me? I recalled that there were many reasons not to trust these creatures.

"Sorry, Sire," she apologized. "The Shrub Knights survive, and they remember thee, and have great personal interest in thy future."

"Speaking of survivors, how many -" I began.

"We've seen no trace of any of thy lieutenants nor any of thy loyal troops, saving only ourselves."

"Where exactly have you been the last few days?" I asked suspiciously.

"Gladsome Antglade is quite peaceful now that the Duchess is away," she replied.

Ah yes, my mother had mentioned something about the Duchess being loose. I wondered what that was about. Oh well, it would have to wait.

"I want you to try to locate some surviving friendly elves who would rally to my cause," I instructed the Ixie. She saluted and pooked away.

With that, I entered the scrying chamber and gazed into the orb.

1219peek.gif

I opened it using the Gramarye command I had discovered earlier, and approached the tree-shaped crack in the wall of the scryspace.

1219heyrandall.gif

I peered through the crack to observe Jerry standing in the circle of stones outside, yelling my fake name.

"Lord Randall!" he called. "Come out! I summon and abjure you!"

>Adler: Sneak up behind him and give him a wet-willy for being irritating.
>Adler: If you're going to send him on a "quest" to gather up all those books, you'd had better think of a good reason for it.
>Adler: Just to be safe, keep him off his guard by making odd demands, such as: "put all your questions and comments in the form of a lymeric, me boyo."
>Jerry: Be obsessed with shoes to a worringly unnatural degree. Every possible thing you could say or ask about always loops back to shoes. It borders on being frightening.

>Adler: Transmogrify into a voluptuous elfess, enchanting enough to make Jerry forget Ethel and her sister. Send him on a wild goose chase quest with promises of sexual favors.
>Jerry, twenty chapters from now on: Return, triumphant, against all the odds. Looks like some elf booty is on the list now!

Adler, discover that you're not alone in the Scrying space.

Kringle, be angry at Adler for killing all those potential seasonal workers.

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keep him off his guard by making odd demands, such as: "put all your questions and comments in the form of a lymeric, me boyo."
>Jerry: Be obsessed with shoes

"What manner of fool is this lowfolk anyway?" I blurted in exasperation.

1226scaryjerry.gif

"Beg pardon?" Jerry asked, glancing around apprehensively. "Lord Randall? Is that you? Where are you?"

How interesting ... apparently he was able to hear me.

"It's hoverin' about and watchin' oi am," I exclaimed dramatically. "Sure, and what class o' blatherskyte are ye, who thinks ye can summon and order elves about willy-nilly, as ye please?"

"I know your name," he protested.

"Only counts once, and ye have to've guessed it, which ye did not. And it's what are ye doin' here, oi'm askin?"

"Ethel told me to come back because she talked you into a sweet deal for me," Jerry explained. "Look, I'm willing to offer a full glass of milk and a cookie for each pair of shoes. You won't find more generous terms anywhere."

I sighed. Again with the shoes? Where did these lowfolk get their absurd ideas? And that Ethel .. I was going to have to watch her closely. She moved fast, and was a thoroughly dangerous femme.

"Sure and oi'd be more amenable to yer request if ye stated it in the form of a limerick, me boyo," I suggested, in an attempt to stall for time.

There was absolutely no way I was going to play fair with this numbskull. While he strained his brain composing a verse, I transmogrified myself into Relda Fauxfox and looked carefully around my scry-view of the stone circle. Would I be able to Pook there from here?

"There once was an elf named Lord Randall," Jerry chanted awkwardly. "Who tried to, um, burn both ends of the candle. But he could not refuse / to whip up some shoes / 'cause that's a request he can handle!"

>Adler: Sneak up behind him
>Adler: Transmogrify into a voluptuous elfess

1226tap.gif

I pooked in behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. He screeched in surprise and jumped a slight distance, turning around in midair.

"Who are you??" he asked when he landed and looked at me.

"Some call me Relda Fauxfox," I replied. "Who are YOU, standing around reciting bad poetry in a loud voice and disturbing the tranquility of the forest?"

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"My lady, I am Jerry Shoemaker of Tulgeyside, at your service," he said with a bow and a flourish of his hat.

"Well, you have good manners at least," I remarked.

"Oh, fair Fauxfox, tell me truly, are you too an elf?"

"Yes, but -"

"And do you know the secrets of Cobbling?"

"Look, I don't work for free," I stated emphatically. "And I don't work for milk and cookies either. You want something of value, you've got to trade something of value."

"One as lovely as yourself has but to name her desire," he schmoozed.

send him on a "quest" to gather up all those books

"I want more copies of the Chanson du Percy," I blurted. "That book you had with you when you first came here. Bring me .. oh .. five copies and then we'll talk."

"Why do you want five copies of the Chanson?"

"Do you want to ask pointless questions or do you want shoes?" I snapped.

He blinked at me a few times, then turned and strode resolutely off into the forest.

>Adler: Why not go see if you can view anything other than the stone circle with the scry-doohickey. Maybe find Ethel and see if you can talk to her like you did Jerry. Tell her you've got her wish set in motion. She doesn't believe you're an elf, maybe this will prove it.
>Ethel: Surprisingly, be pacing around fretting over whether or not this scheme to get rid of Jerry will work. Albeit, in a very surly way.
>Ethel: "Listen here, voice-in-my-head, I'm not burning down the village no matter how many times you tell me to." (she's messing with you. hopefully.)
>Adler: Do you think you could set the ixies up to mass produce shoes for you? Hopefully Jerry's shoe obsession doesn't rub off on you. That sort of madness is the contagious kind.

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Spoiler>It may sound cruel, but I think it could make for some interesting developments if Adler did end up being in a long term relationship with Ethel, only to become irreparably heartbroken when she inevitably dies of old age.