The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

>Adler: March through the city bold as brass. Civilians, guards, and soldiers alike shrink away in terror. It's as if the rage-fueled spirit of Irenaeus himself were walking the streets again.
>Burnside and Ms. Thomson: Be pleased to inform Adler that you've gotten all the soldiers sober and in fighting form.
>Adler: Glare incredulously at your militia. Oh great, your fat, smelly army is eating yet again.
>Army: Proudly declare to your beloved king-to-be, he who will provide unto you never ending feasts and the prophesied bringer of a million meals, that you are but a scant few meals away from being ready.
>Miss Thompson: After being stuffed in an escape-proof sack, one of the heaviest and most flatulent soldiers has been using you as a make-shift beanbag chair. Openly lament the direction your career has taken.

>Avogadro: What the neatherhells kind of girlish punch was that? Is His Highness really a descendent of the Lacktail? You know that His Highness did not study the arts of war of anything as he was a bastard but, Great Fuma, that was more like a slap not a punch! Oh no! Your shock at how underwhelming that "punch" was caused you to lose sight of him! Go into a rage induced search!

>Adler: Not only are the lack of Ixies worrysome, you have not heard from the Sisterhood.

>Unseen and unknown fur/s: Shadow Adler.

>Avogadro: What the neatherhells kind of girlish punch was that? Is His Highness really a descendent of the Lacktail? You know that His Highness did not study the arts of war of anything as he was a bastard but, Great Fuma, that was more like a slap not a punch! Oh no! Your shock at how underwhelming that "punch" was caused you to lose sight of him! Go into a rage induced search

(I would normaly second this suggestion but common, it's Avogadro we're talking about. He's even more pathetic than Lemmy. If nyone woul think it's a mighty punch...)

>Adler Keep taking no crap from anyone as you march

>Aslo you may remmeber it's the duches who gave you yur army in he first place so the 'security' it provides is frankly quite relative.

(I would normaly second this suggestion but common, it's Avogadro we're talking about. He's even more pathetic than Lemmy. If nyone woul think it's a mighty punch...)

I was thinking when Avogadro was in the lowfolk world, he was bullied constantly, so he'd very much well know what a mighty punch felt like (Of course I had a very silly backstory about his tormentor being a burly beaver guy, and one of his punches used to knock Avogadro out for two hours....don't ask...t'was a silly backstory).

I was thinking when Avogadro was in the lowfolk world, he was bullied constantly, so he'd very much well know what a mighty punch felt like (Of course I had a very silly backstory about his tormentor being a burly beaver guy, and one of his punches used to knock Avogadro out for two hours....don't ask...t'was a silly backstory).

I would definitely be interested in learning more about that backstory...

Suggestions:

Adler, storm right through a mess of pie fighters in a free-for-all. Be shielded from pies and other airborne objects by your tangible aura of pure rage.

Glenholm Webb, notice Adler. Deduce what's going on. Also deduce the best course of action is to "get the heck out of there".

Charmina Chubb, also notice Adler. Feel an unnecessary need for heroics. Secretly glamour yourself into your stage form of SALV Valerie Kraekenhoepfer and attempt to apprehend him. Fail miserably due to Adler's aura and loose your glamour in the process.

Surprisingly, the knowledge that SALV Valerie Kraekenhoepfer is really fat and not very attractive does not spell the end of her acting career. In fact, now that Vulps know her true figure, she's easily both as popular as ever and an even better as a pie advertisement.

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SpoilerWell, Photobucket has been down all day and I've got to get this done NOW. See a version with pictures at https://adleryoung.tumblr.com or https://www.patreon.com/posts/20469652 (Patreon tends to get overwhelmed on the 1st of the month, so you might have difficulty loading the page there tonight. I posted it but then got a timeout error when I tried to go put nav links on the previous page.)

>Avogadro: What the neatherhells kind of girlish punch was that? Is His Highness really a descendent of the Lacktail? You know that His Highness did not study the arts of war of anything as he was a bastard but, Great Fuma, that was more like a slap not a punch!
when Avogadro was in the lowfolk world, he was bullied constantly, so he'd very much well know what a mighty punch felt like

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I had barely gone a dozen paces when I heard Avogadro's voice behind me again.

"You call that a punch?" he snapped. "I have been pummeled by lowfolk with more impact than that! I am appalled that any so-called scion of Irenaeus should pack such a weak whallop. Turn and face me, you noodle-armed vixen defiler! You shall pay for your misdeeds this day!"

From now on punch first, ask questions later!

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I pivoted and slugged the irritating mole a resounding blow that had the momentum of my whole body behind it. He hit the ground, and I paused a moment to make sure he was out cold before I proceeded on my way.

As I rounded a corner, I saw that the pie fight was still going on in the plaza where ValKon was being held. This Vulpitanian foolishness stood between me and my exit!

I strode forward, grimly determined that no airborne pastry would deter me from my goal.

>Adler: March through the city bold as brass. Civilians, guards, and soldiers alike shrink away in terror. It's as if the rage-fueled spirit of Irenaeus himself were walking the streets again.
>Adler Keep taking no crap from anyone as you march
Adler, storm right through a mess of pie fighters in a free-for-all. Be shielded from pies and other airborne objects by your tangible aura of pure rage.

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I raised my arms and radiated pure Irenaeid Irritability as I stalked across the plaza. Pies flew away from me, as if in terror at my presence.

The other side of the plaza was in view. I was not far from making my escape from the city.

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Under the contest table:

Glenholm Webb, notice Adler. Deduce what's going on. Also deduce the best course of action is to "get the heck out of there".

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In the Hall of Ancestors:

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"Yes Sir, Marshal, Sir," Angus babbled nervously into a small scrying sphere. "Sorry to disturb you, Sir, but I'm in the Coronation Chamber .. yes, I know that .. well, you see, I'm not sure how I got here .. but I woke up on the steps and saw Prince Adler leaving the Hall .. yes, it was definitely him. He spoke to me. I thought it was suspicious. No, I didn't pursue because how's he gonna get across town by himself? No, I didn't think of that .. but Sir! Sir!! The point is, I'm in the Coronation Chamber, and something TERRIBLE seems to have happened, Sir."

>Glenholm, Charmina and Percy: I believe a change of underclothes is in order.

>Word of Estmere's death spreads like wildfire regardless of any attempts to cover it up, the whole of Albric Tor descends into chaos.
>"Der plan has vorked too vell.All ve haft done ist vake up und sleeping giant!"
>Adler: You are too angry to think rationally.
>Adler: Right when you are about to step through the gate and leave the city, a certain someone steps out of the shadows to gloat.

>Adler: What you need now is a hand picked squad of soldiers you can trust, and then apprehend Marshal Theronmyathus. He's the only one who can conceivably rein in the chaos and mount resistance to your ascension to throne.

Everyone at the pie fight: Feel the palpable hate coming off of Adler's Aura
Adler: Anyone who gets in your way shall feel the wrath of your mighty backhand
Valkon Attendants: Feel the backhand

(Royal Herbalists) Gather together and discuss the royal patient.
(Royal Herbalists) Suggest remedies with your usual skill and insight.
(Qutmi) Have limitations as a healing unguent.
(Figure from the Shadows) Gloat at H.M. (?) King Adler.
(Figure from the Shadows) Refer to H.M. as "Lackcrown."
(H.M. King Adler) Attempt to retaliate against this impertinence. Fail.
(News of the death of King Estmere) Spread.
(Consternation) Spread.
(Panic) Spread.
(Estvan Silverbrush) Interrupt your latest story. Twitch your ears. What's going on?
(Marshal of Faerie) Interrupt...well, whatever you were doing. What's going on?
(Marshal of Faerie) Fill out the proper forms to find out what's going on.
(Royal Floozies) Update your resumes, and speculate as to the new King's mojo.

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I think I'm done with Photobucket. Screw 'em. Version with pictures can be seen at https://adleryoung.tumblr.com or at https://www.patreon.com/posts/20646109

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>Word of Estmere's death spreads like wildfire regardless of any attempts to cover it up, the whole of Albric Tor descends into chaos.
Marshal Theronmyathus. He's the only one who can conceivably rein in the chaos and mount resistance to your ascension to throne.
(Consternation) Spread.
(Panic) Spread.

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"It's just as I was telling you," Edessa whispered.

"We've got to cover this up," Theronmyathus croaked. "If news of the King's death spreads, the whole of Albric Tor will descend into chaos."

"I'm counting on you, Marshal, to rein in that chaos and mount a resistance to Adler's ascension to the throne," Edessa whispered. "I fear I am to be his next target."

"Your safety is my top concern, Your Majesty," the Marshal rasped reassuringly. Turning to the scry-orb on his desk, he ordered: "Constable Angus, secure the area. Let no-one enter, and do not speak to anyone about what you have seen. Now then, Sergeant Avogadro, come in. This is an emergency. Your leave is terminated and you are to report to GHQ at once. Come in, Sergeant Avogadro. Come in! ... that's odd. He doesn't respond."

>Adler: You are too angry to think rationally.
Everyone at the pie fight: Feel the palpable hate coming off of Adler's Aura
Adler: Anyone who gets in your way shall feel the wrath of your mighty backhand
Valkon Attendants: Feel the backhand

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The flying pies were getting on my nerves, so I let the ValKon attendees feel my Wrath, and stalked on toward the gate. This was no time for fooling around! I had a crown to secure, and a long list of wrongdoers to punish .. and I was going to need my army to get that done.

>Adler: Right when you are about to step through the gate and leave the city, a certain someone steps out of the shadows

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I had just reached the gate when I heard a familiar voice from a shadowy archway nearby.

"Nice work, Your Highness," Lemmy muttered. "The Duchess will be pleased, but I have to say I'm extremely disappointed. He was your brother."

"You talk as if I've done something Unseelie," I growled. "They killed him before I could stop them."

"So the King is really dead then?" he asked with a note of surprise mixed with sadness. "This is a dirty business indeed. And what about all those pie fighters?"

"They got what was coming to them," I growled. "They should never have raised a pastry to me. Is this all going in your report to your mistress?"

"I'm a family elf," Lemmy shrugged. "You left me there, and now I've got more important things to care about. I'll tell the Duchess something, not everything .. and meanwhile .. you be careful. You're not crowned yet."

The opossum ducked into the shadows and vanished. He had gotten a lot better at Snooping over the years!

I could see the scrying tower from here, so I pooked directly to it.

>Burnside and Ms. Thomson: Be pleased to inform Adler that you've gotten all the soldiers sober and in fighting form.
Proudly declare to your beloved king-to-be ... that you are but a scant few meals away from being ready.
(Royal Floozies) Update your resumes, and speculate as to the new King's mojo.

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Burnside and Ms. Thomson greeted me as soon as I arrived.

"Your troops are sobered up and in good order, Your Highness," Thomson stated, with a salute.

"They's only three meals from bein' ready to take the city," Burnside declared proudly. "We reckon that's enough time for you to do venery with us, at least one time each. Maybe more since you got a mean look in yer eye that sez the ol' Irenaeid Mojo is workin."

>Adler: Something within you has awakened and your mojo is now more potent than ever before. So potent, in fact, that after *ahem* "blowing off some steam" to calm down, your two lieutenants lose any and all of their lingering past loyalties and swear loyalty exclusively to you.
>Unfortunately, with everyone so preoccupied, your bread-poisoning captive manages to sneak away.
>City Defenses: Everything is falling apart. Word of the King's death mixed with rumors that Irenaeus has risen again have everyone terrified. There's even talk of defecting to the rebels' side.
>Vulpitinians: The time is right, make your move.

>No time for tomfoolery, time is of the essence! You need your allies, all of them.
>Gramarye an apple into a functional scrying orb and call that mouse girl to you. She's competent and her king needs her!

Lemmy, do not be aware that the Duchess has bugged you before you left the Antglade. So she already knows what happened.

Marshal Theronmyathus, try contacting agent Earl next. Be more successful.

Adler, black out for a moment. Wake up naked with aching loins and the two equally naked women passes out with blissful expressions next to you. Notice by the sun that at least one mealtime has passed.

Glenholm Webb, escape the city and begin covertly examining Adler's camp.

Charmina Chubb, break open a sealed scroll tube you've been given for just an occasion. Be surprised at the secret orders, but go follow them anyway without question.

Percy, go with Charmina and record her actions, no matter how bizarre.

The "Ch" sounds in "Charmina Chubb", be pronounced as "K"s. Charmina, tend to be rather enranged to be refered to as a "chubb".

See it with pictures at https://www.patreon.com/posts/20789167 or https://adleryoung.tumblr.com

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Marshal Theronmyathus, try contacting agent Earl next. Be more successful.

"Agent Earl!" Theronmyathus croaked into the orb. "Earl, do you hear me?"

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"Sure thing, man," Earl replied, casually saluting.

"You're still out of uniform," the Marshal scolded him. "But never mind that. Let's hear your report."

"Oh, man, like everything's really messed up out there right now, man.."

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In the Gladsome Antglade

Lemmy, do not be aware that the Duchess has bugged you before you left the Antglade. So she already knows what happened.

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"Tarnation!" Duchess Catherine exclaimed as she held a scrying orb next to her ear.

"Whadda you hear, aunt-momma?" Matholwch asked cautiously.

"Well, for one thang, it don't seem like ol' Lemmy is as trustworthy as we thought."

"Aw daaanng," Matholwch groaned.

"But," the Duchess continued. "From the sound of it, I reckon the King is dead."

"Oooh, does that mean yew kin leave the Antglade an' go to war at last?" Matholwch asked with a grin.

"Not just yet. We still got Adler to worry about .. an' it sounds like he's a-gonna cause me a right heap o' trouble. DANG it! They shoulda never taught that boy Wiles!"

"Well, what'll we do, aunt-momma?"

"Ever'thang is still under control, young'un. Now we get in touch with Burnside, an' make sure them Vulpy-Vulps is ready with their part o' the Plan."

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In the convention Plaza

Word of the King's death mixed with rumors that Irenaeus has risen again have everyone terrified. There's even talk of defecting to the rebels' side.
>Vulpitinians: The time is right, make your move.
Glenholm Webb, escape the city
Charmina Chubb, break open a sealed scroll tube you've been given for just an occasion. Be surprised at the secret orders
Percy, go with Charmina

"Was that Adler Young?" Percy asked, in a daze at the pie-smeared carnage all around. "I've never seen him looking so ... formidable."

"Truly a scion of Irenaeus," SALV Chubb muttered. "He vill be ein vorthy adversary. Now ist der time to open mine Secret Orders ... VAIT! Vhere did der froggy-schnoop go?"

"He was here a second ago," Percy observed lamely. "I didn't see him leave."

"Maybe he ge-pooked," Charmina theorized. "In any case, he ist not here, vhich ist all der better for me."

She produced a small paper scroll-tube from her elfintory and tore it open.

"Distract Estvan und get him to tell you der schtories?" she read incredulously. "I zink I got zzomebody else's Orders by mischtake."

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"But vhat if it vas not ein mischtake?" she mused. "I must do mine best to carry zem out, for Vulpitania und Der Plan! I zink perhaps I can ply Herr Zzilberbrush mit some Yummikake Fruit Pies. No vun can resist Yummikake Fruit Pies! You are commink mit me, Sqvab. Zat is ein order."

after *ahem* "blowing off some steam" to calm down, your two lieutenants lose any and all of their lingering past loyalties and swear loyalty exclusively to you.
call that mouse girl to you. She's competent and her king needs her!
naked with aching loins and the two equally naked women passes out with blissful expressions next to you. Notice by the sun that at least one mealtime has passed.

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The next thing I knew, I was naked on the floor of the scrying chamber, with Thomson and Burnside snuggling me. So this is what it was like to relax with multiple Floozies! I was going to enjoy being King! I began to wonder where Meadow was, and what she was doing.

"Now the army's only one meal away from being ready," Thomson whispered.

"What did they eat?" I asked drowsily.

"Commandeered pies," Burnside chuckled. "We captured a couple wagonloads. How's your mojo holdin' up?"

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your bread-poisoning captive manages to sneak away.

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While the army was stuffing itself, and my lieutenants and I were distracted, Miss Thompson managed to escape. She fled back toward the city, while muttering something about Traitors to the Sisterhood, and Paying for the Indignity she had suffered...

>Army: After the very last scrap of food is gone and every prerequisite meal has been consumed, a force overtakes all of you. You go from a ragtag bunch of misfits to a truly fearsome fighting force that no other army in the world could hope to stand against. Or, at least you feel that way.
>Adler: Suit up and have your lieutenants arm themselves. Before this campaign is done, you shall personally see to it that the blood of every unseelie scoundrel you lay eyes upon shall be spilled. (Not at all considering that such thoughts are unseelie as well.) Cry havoc and let slip the skunks of WAR!
>Thomson: Your collection of weapons and knowledge of masonry previously seen shall be especially useful in this battle. Point out every weak point in the wall. Also, against all common sense, give Burnside one or two of your more deadly weapons.
>Duchess: Have Lemmy's family brought to you. It's time to remind him where his loyalties should be.
>Miss Thompson: During your dash back to the city you run into a familiar naked buck. In surprise he exhales a puff of sour smoke into your face. It smells like... Oh no- OH NO!

(Little Miss Silverbrush) Say, what are you going to do with those orders regarding rarebit?
(Marshal of Faerie) Say, what order of battle do you have?
(H.M. King Adler II) Say, do you sense the blood of Irenaeus within you, i.e., venery in the morning, battle in the afternoon, feasting at night?
(H.G. Duke Bodb) Drool.
(Master Spy Lemmy) Start wondering if you're straying from CO'D's orders.
(Master Spy Lemmy) Find out in a rather ghastly way that you are, and she ain't happy.
(Meadow Grainmaster-Bruce) Be on the loose. Be dangerous. Be dressed in a way to please at least one of our readers.
(Agent Earl) You're good. You've got a Bag of Herb Holding.
(Vulpitanian View-Master) At the Centre for Contemplative Studies (formerly the Citadel), view the Great Plan calmly. HOCH DER PLAN! (See "From Vulpitania With Love," Part JJ)

Adler, go inspect your troops. Come under a pie-related gas attack. Do not be too furious due to being in a floozie-related forgiving mood.

Charmina, give Percy a Yummikake Fruit Pie.
Percy, agree that it does fit the definition of "Yummi" and "Kake". Make a note to pinch the recipe and start producing a knockoff version once you get back to the lowlands.

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Spoiler I've read about Yummikake Fruit Pies in the Winterbough Saga before, but am curious about one thing: How did E.O. Costello come up (I assume it was him) with the idea and the name? It's a perfect name for a cheap knockoff product.

Agent Earl, make a full report. Earl's report, be unfortunately filtered by the substance he's been smoking and thus not particularly reliable.

Burnside, receive a coded message. Now, if only you could remember the code...

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Spoiler I've read about Yummikake Fruit Pies in the Winterbough Saga before, but am curious about one thing: How did E.O. Costello come up (I assume it was him) with the idea and the name? It's a perfect name for a cheap knockoff product.

It was me; it's intended as a spoof of Tastykake, a product well-known to those who grew up, or spent time in, the Philadelphia area (I went to law school at Penn). Tasty Baking Co. was famous for making fruit pies, doughnuts, Butterscotch Krimpets, Cocoanut Juniors, and the like. To a certain extent, this is guying Major Matt Mason, who is a Fluffya native, and can prove it with his scrapple intake. And yes, it's intended to show what copycats (copyfoxes?) the Vulps are.

Mcbrock: Your last meal has come to an end. The time to storm the walls and lay siege to the city. Scream your warcry!
Adler: Lead your army all the while a song plays in your head.
Everyone in the city: Hold the line!.

>Master of Elfhame: Pook in next to Catherine O' Daisies. Have a score to settle.

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Tumblr - https://adleryoung.tumblr.com (complete archive is there)
Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/posts/20927939 (set to Public so you don't have to pay) (but if you can donate that would be great)

>Thomson: Your collection of weapons and knowledge of masonry previously seen shall be especially useful in this battle. Point out every weak point in the wall.
(H.M. King Adler II) Say, do you sense the blood of Irenaeus within you, i.e., venery in the morning, battle in the afternoon, feasting at night?
Adler, go inspect your troops.

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After a little while, we all got dressed and climbed onto the porch of the scrying tower, to survey my troops and look over the battlefield.

The army waved cheerily as they digested their penultimate meal before they would go into battle.

"That ravine will offer fine protection from archery fire coming from the walls," Ms. Thomson explained as she pointed out details of the terrain. "And the archway there where that streamlet emerges might make a fine avenue of infiltration. Over there the masonry is weak; see how the blocks are slightly uneven? If we could get a battering ram over there..."

As she talked on, I indulged in daydreams of victory banquets, and redecorating the throne room. I was practically King already! There was no way the city's defenses could be organized quickly enough to stop my army! When I had slipped out of Albric Tor, the city was in a state of utter confusion, with pie fights in the streets and mayhem everywhere.

a force overtakes all of you.
(Marshal of Faerie) Say, what order of battle do you have?
Everyone in the city: Hold the line!

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Suddenly a baglute sounded, the city gate opened, and a huge number of armed elves began pouring out. At the head of this throng were Marshal Theronmyathus in full armor and waving a sword, Queen Edessa in some exotic Caer Adland battle panoply and brandishing a magickal staff, and Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks in full armor with a morning-star dangling from his gauntleted hand.

"ADLER YOUNG!" Theronmyathus screeched across the field. "I charge you with Regicide, Fratricide, Treason, Rebellion, Insurrection, and Bad Manners! Disband your army and surrender your person to me, and I promise you shall receive a fair trial."

time to storm the walls and lay siege to the city. Scream your warcry!

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"How in the Netherhells?" Thomson gasped. "They must have skipped a meal!"

"They can't do that," I protested, as my visions of an easy victory evaporated. "Can they?"

"ADLER'S THE RIGHTFUL KING," Burnside yelled as she brandished a cleaver from her Elfintory. "AND YALL BETTER BELIEVE HE DON'T SURRENDER!"

>MacBrock: Scoff at the opposing army! They skipped meals? There's absolutely no chance they can be battle ready after starving themselves. You've got this in the bag.
>Opposing Army: You had double helpings.
>Adler: The top of the tower is a good place for you to be. It's a defensible position that let's you oversee the battle in a good sniping spot and easily shout commands from above. You should try taking out the commanding officers to leave them without direction specifically Theronmyathus and Sweetcheeks because they're jerks. Maybe use burning arrows on the shrubs if you got any.
>Adler: Pesky seelie thoughts keep creeping into your head. Have a morale quandary about killing the queen. On one hand, she's a self-serving, unseelie shrew of a woman who played a part in your brother's death. On the other hand, she's pregnant with your brother's only child. Do you really want to stamp out the only legacy he was able to leave?
>Thomson: You'd be most useful staying in the tower with Adler where you can fire arrows, watch his back, and provide council.
>Burnside: You've had dreams about this. Finally, an opportunity to disembowel people en masse consequence free. The opposing army shall witness horrors they could have never conceived of in their darkest nightmares. All in the name of the greater good, of course.

>You still have the plague of battle. You might just manage tobluffyour way out of tis hole.

>Tel them that you will consider surendering IF any elf is willing to declare that "they KNOW WITHOUT ANY SPECULATION how you killed your brother" but to beware for if theycn' or if they lie a terribe curse of madnes might fall on their army.

No elf can make that declaration without lying, they either know you didn't kill him or they are guessing frm circumstancial evidence. Weither they do or not anywy, ou gave yourself an excuse to use the plague of battles.