The 2am thread

aghh fuck it's not two am yet but it feels like it and I just need to dump some shit and this place feels like the best place to do it. mspaforums, although I know people better there, just feels too big and public. like I don't know people here as well as say tronn or bigbrain or tegerioreo but at the same time everything feels so much more comfortable here, like I know everybody at least a little bit even though ive only been here like maybe a month.

anyway.

im just so fucking anxious all the time again. it's the worst. like I even procrastinated updating officequest, which is literally the lowest maintenance and easiest to update forum adventure I know of.

and I feel so stressed out all the time but I don't want to go back to counseling because it took like three hours out of my day between the session and the commute, which only further stressed me out cause it took out valuable homework time. and ive never really been able to open up completely in the way that I know I should. it's way too much my habit to keep secrets. im worse than vriska with all my coping mechanisms I swear.

and I also want to update perception (on mspaf) but drawing is hard and ive kind of reached the part in the story where I have to map out the next big section and prewrite a whole bunch of stuff so I don't write myself into a corner like I have been doing practically every update. and it's just generally really stressful and I don't know if anybody besides kieros (who reads literally everything on that site, how the fuck do(es) he/she/they do it (they changed theyre pronouns recently and im too tired to remember what they are)) and my brother actually read it. it doesn't help that ive been taking six month unplanned hiatuses between every other update. and perception was originally created as a way to channel and express some pretty awful feelings I was having when I first started planning it, and it was a pretty good way of doing so, but now that those things are (more) under control I unconsciously dive back into that awful mindset whenever I work on perception and it's not exactly an ideal situation.

and school. just fuck school, honestly. I am the smartest person I know and everybody that knows me would agree with me and I still have so much trouble with school. I love learning. I fucking hate school. I hate the busy work, I hate the noise, I fucking despise every lowminded and ignorant moron that inhabits it. I just feel so isolated from everybody there, like my mind is 10 years older and my emotions 10 years younger. why do they always have to be so loud?

I wish instead of school I could just listen to chopin or study calculus all day instead of school. math and music are the only things that make any fucking sense at all. and it's not like I learn either of those things at school from our shitty school orchestra or my comically simple math class.

anyway I need to go to sleep, my tablet's nearly dead and my headache from this morning is back in full force. if youve managed to read all this congratulations, you have way more concern for other people than I ever will.

edit:
yeah I know I said I would go to sleep but I figured that since I was posting all my heartfelt secrets here I might as well put this here also, since its been buggin me for a while.

im super confused about sexuality, like super duper confused. I think I might be aro but NOT asexual, which is not only weird as fuck but also makes me sound like a complete asshole. or maybe im hetero, but I just find romantic interaction as uninteresting, confusing and unnecessary as normal social interaction. or maybe I like the idea of sex but if I had the chance to try it I wouldn't be into it. or maybe ive just been gay all this time. who the fuck knows. I certainly dont. and at this point, idk if I really care.

a52 out motherfuckers.