The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

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>Scut-Preston: If someone's bugging you, render them asunder. If someone cuts in line, render them asunder. If your wife is nagging you, render her asunder. If the jam-jar wont open, render it asunder. I bet that's how you cut the grass too. Jeez man,that's your answer for everything.
>Scuti Jimmy Prime: Fly into berserker rage

"SILENCE, the both of you!" Jimmy shrieked. "I've had all I can stand of your idiocy! As soon as I get loose, you will be rent asunder! I'll have your guts for garters and your skins for stockings!"

"Ach, now yer talkin like me Sal," Nero sighed.

"Shut up about your Sal!" Jimmy hissed. "You never should have married her, and you'd both be better off if you never came home."

"You need to calm down, mister," Angus grunted. "Here now, just take a look at this trim little schooner -"

"Stuff your stupid boats! Who in all the Netherhells puts tiny boats in bottles? It's ridiculous!"

"You can insult my partner and criticize his wife," Angus grumbled. "But I won't stand here and listen to you calumniate model ships in bottles. Grab his arm, Nero. I think it's time our guest had a little accident."



"Hold!" a sudden trio of Ixies called out. "We seek a reprehensible Tailipo. Knowest anything about this, yon pale Manx-cat?"

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Percy, attempt to follow the instructions. Be forced to improvise a lot.
>Percy: Your sneaking could be better. To put it politely, an explosion in a wind-chime factory would be less noticeable. Thing is, because you are being so overtly suspicious in your infiltration, your presence goes completely unchallenged.
(Brave Percy) Infiltrate the Embassy
>Percy: Your search for the the Vulpitanian Embassy is hampered by your not knowing where it is.
the Vulpitanian's have set up a new embassy since the old one was mysteriously blown up by a somewhat familiar white vixen.

Percy bravely crept to the edge of the square, where he noticed a fox loitering suspiciously and dressed in a uniform similar to his own.



"Pssst, hey buddy," Precy nobly whispered as he slithered along the wall. "Where's the Vulpitanian Embassy?"

"How could you possibly not know that?" the fox whispered back.

"Er, that information is on a need-to-know basis," Percy courageously floundered. "And I didn't need to know before now."

"And why do you suddenly need to know all of a sudden?"

"I, uh, can't tell you."

"It checks out," the fox shrugged. "The new Embassy is is up Chalcedony Avenue. Straight down this way, turn left, take an immediate widdershins and then your second right and twenty-four doors from the turning, on the shady side of the street. You can't miss it."

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the rebels releasing a large quantity of noxious gas around their camp
(Ominous Rumble, Source Thereof) Manifest yourself.

"That's disgusting," one of the soldiers remarked.

"BEG PARDON," MacBrock bellowed sheepishly. "I THINK SUMMAT I ATE DINNA AGREE WI' ME."

"Couldn't have been this delicious pie," the soldier opined, taking another big bite.

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Alice, go look for proper tools

Alice paused to consult her Pocket Guide to The Plan. It always pays to be careful! A mistake now could have disastrous consequences.

Avogadro, go please your mistress. Do not mind doing unseelie things for her.
>Advogadro: Being the abused servant of an uncaring, shallow vixen is what your entire life has been leading up to. Don't squander it.
Avagadro: Prostrate yourself on the ground before Relda and promise her, her every wish and desire. Begin kissing her feet
Grovel at her feet

Suddenly Sergeant Avogadro rushed onto the stage and threw himself at my feet.

"Oh my icy beauty," he whimpered while clutching my ankles. "My lady, I am yours to command. Anything you wish, be it Seelie, Unseelie, or venery-related, I will do it without hesitation."

"Get zis sniveling sycophant off der stage!" SALV Chesswick exclaimed. "Haff you been usink der Viles on him? Because you know, Viles is verboten in zis competition!"

"No," I protested. "I mean, not intentionally .."

Audience, bring your own pies and other pie-like pastries, the quality of which varies drastically. The contest must go on!
(Con-goers) Start to get rowdy, since the contest is being held up.

"Quit stalling!" someone in the audience called out.

"On to the next event!" another attendee yelled.

"Look, I told you people, the shipment of pies for the next event has been delayed!" Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks reiterated.

"No excuse!" another voice called out. "We've got pies! This is PieFight ValKon! Come on everybody - let 'em have your pies!"

>Fifi: Suffer a sudden wardrobe malfunction
>SALV Chesswick: Remind Fifi Fofox that she was disqualified for already attempting to use wiles on the judges and to get off the stage.
>Fifi: "But this outfit is cheaply made..." (That what you get for using wiles on a merchant of bootleg Pie Fight Valkerie goods, Fifi)
>Fifi: Wonders why Relda's outfit's still on, you both got the outfits from the same merchant.

The crowd was distracted from following through on this provocative invitation by a loud "YIPE!" from Fifi.

"SALV Fofox!" Alberta snapped. "Vhat did I chust say about Viles? You already missed out on der pie-dodgink. Do you vish to be disqvalified from der entire competition?"



"It's not my fault!" Fifi gekkered. "It's this crummy cheap costume! Why didn't hers break too? We got them from the same sleazy vendor."

>Relda: Be a champ and let Fifi borrow your pair.

Relda, realize that it will make you look good if you help Fifi. So make good use of your willing slave and have him fetch a high quality costume for her.
Upon seeing it, decide to just keep it and give Fifi your old one instead. She's not likely to notice.

Fifi, notice but don't mind. It is, after all, exactly what you'd do if your roles were reversed.

Scuti Preston, save your own parasitic tail and rat out Alice.

Rumbling in the distance, intensify as more soldiers enjoy the pie.
Foul smell, start reaching the city with the help of the wind.

Alice, discover something unexpected in the handbook. Discovery, give her an advantage over the Ixies.

Burnside, show up from somewhere.

Congoers, gather enough pies to continue the contest.

Adoyret Sam, watch the whole thing through a scrying sphere. Smile.

Percy, get lost several times before finally finding the embassy. Make observations along the way.

Nice big update...now let's get down to business...

>Avogadro: Grab Relda around the waist, one of your paws "accidently" grope her backside.
>Audience: Be treated to a stomping of epic proportions.
>Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks: Be uncertain as to be either laughing at or jealous of Avogadro's treatment.
>Scuti Jimmy: Lie! Lie! Lie! You have no idea what those ixies are talking about. You've always had that tail, you're not a manx.
>Nero & Angus: Smirk at Scuti Jimmy's pathetic attempts to lie. "Rent asunder indeed."

>Scuti-Preston: At the sight of the same ixies that tried to kill you before, you go through a jarring change. Gone is the facade of powerful bravery, you begin tearfully begging for your own life, going so far as to sellout all of your own kind if they let you live. Truly you are the most worthy of the imperial legacy, you sniveling loser.
>Percy: You are "lucky" enough to step into the embassy during another one of their Japery Holidays. You would take notes, but the paper keeps getting doused with seltzer water.
>Thomson and Burnside: With clothespins on your noses, you've been making sure the army is well fed, properly dressed, and cleaning up after themselves. Muse that commanding an army is a lot more like babysitting than you were led to believe.
>For king and country, the ambush has bravely sworn to uphold their duty and charged full speed into the toxic gas cloud that surrounds the tower. They have all died.
>Alice: Yes, a mistake right now would indeed be disastrous. You're reading it upside-down.
>Señor Sleazy Vendor Jr. III: Well of course Fifi's costume broke first. They're designed to fall apart after a certain amount of wear-time, and she put hers on first. Relda's should be any second- there it goes.
>An expert goes up to make sure Relda isn't using wiles to cheat.
>Sweetcheeks: Become explosively jealous of the attention Avogadro is getting from Relda. That pudgy, shut-in is everything a femme would want. You don't stand a chance.

>Señor Sleazy Vendor Jr. III: Well of course Fifi's costume broke first. They're designed to fall apart after a certain amount of wear-time, and she put hers on first. Relda's should be any second

"You bought der costumes from ein Sleazy vendor?" SALV Chesswick chuckled incredulously.

"Well, we didn't exactly like, buy them," Fif admitted.

"HAH!" Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks chortled. "Sleazy brand trick costumes, the pride of Vulpitania! They are designed to fail after a certain interval of time. Did you put yours on first?"

"Yeah, I did," Fifi recollected.

"Well then, any second now ..."



Everyone stopped and stared at me.

Nothing happened. I silently thanked Lady Fuma for her gift of Luck.

"What a rip-off!" Avogadro whined.

Relda, realize that it will make you look good if you help Fifi. So make good use of your willing slave and have him fetch a high quality costume for her.
>Audience: Be treated to a stomping of epic proportions.
>Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks: Be uncertain as to be either laughing at or jealous of Avogadro's treatment.

"Get off me, you simpering toady," I snarled, stomping the grabby mole and kicking him away from me.

"Hey, save some of that passion for the banquet with me, Sweetcheeks," the Vulpsmarshal interjected.

"Go get a decent costume for SALV Fofox," I ordered Avogadro. "GO! Now!!"

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Scuti Preston, save your own parasitic tail and rat out Alice.
>Nero & Angus: Smirk at Scuti Jimmy's pathetic attempts
>Scuti-Preston: At the sight of the same ixies that tried to kill you before, you go through a jarring change. Gone is the facade of powerful bravery, you begin tearfully begging for your own life, going so far as to sellout all of your own kind if they let you live.

Just outside the city wall, Jimmy was cowering beneath three Ixies.

"Tailipo?" he whimpered. "I don't know anything about that, but if you're looking for a treacherous Scuti, my guess is she went to the Hall of Ancestors to try to usurp the throne. Please don't hurt me. I've done nothing to you or your kin."

"Little knowest thou of our kin, worm," the Ixies retorted.

"Some Irenaeus impersonator you are," Angus snorted.

"Afreed o' these wee pests, are ye?" Nero scoffed. "Shall we braid yer bonny locks intae pigtails then, lassie? The Lacktail King'd ne'er cower before mere buglings."

"Irenaeus had his secret fears, I can assure you," Jimmy muttered. "Keep those monsters away from me!"

"Hold him," one of the Ixies demanded. "We shall investigate yon Hall, and if 'tis not as he saith, then we shall return to deal with him most harshly."

"Canna one o' ye stay?" Nero asked. "He's so much better behaved wi' ye here."

"One would be ineffectual," the Ixie replied haughtily. "Three are needed to deal with his kind, thus must we away as a full trio."

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>Percy: Your sneaking could be better. To put it politely, an explosion in a wind-chime factory would be less noticeable. Thing is, because you are being so overtly suspicious in your infiltration, your presence in the embassy goes completely unchallenged.
(Brave Percy) Infiltrate the Embassy
(Embassy Front Desk) Be manned by a Vulp reading a "Pie Fight Valkyrie" scroll.

Percy nobly followed the loitering fox's directions, and without trouble he found himself directly at the Vulpitanian Embassy. Darting from shadow to shadow, he bravely crept inside.



"I need to find where the files are kept," Percy whispered mightily to the fox behind a desk in the entryway.

Without looking up from his picture-scroll, the fox pointed with his thumb down a corridor behind him.

"You never saw me," Percy courageously insisted.

"Naturally," the fox replied, still intently reading his scroll. "Vulpitania vincit."

Rumbling in the distance, intensify as more soldiers enjoy the pie.
Foul smell, start reaching the city with the help of the wind.
Congoers, gather enough pies to continue the contest.

"We've gathered enough pies for the contests to continue!" someone in the crowd exclaimed.

"No more dawdling!"

"On with the show!"

The ominous thunder pealed again, off toward the South, louder this time.



"Himmel!" SALV Chesswick exclaimed. "I zink zose pies are not too fresh."

"By Fuma!" Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks exclaimed, pinching his nose. "What a stench!"

"It wasn't me!" Estmere retorted indignantly. "Just what are you insinuating?"

>Señor Sleazy Vendor Jr. III: People aren't happy that one of your defective costumes wasn't defective enough. Suddenly that "money back guarantee even if you didn't pay for it" sign doesn't seem like such a good idea.
>Avogadro:*GASP!* She kicked you! She kicked you with her own foot! Quickly now, go fetch what she wants. If you're quick enough maybe she'll kick you again. Perhaps she may even see fit to spit in your eye. Who needs self-respect when you have the boot heel of an abusive she-monster jammed into your forehead?
>Adler-Relda: Begin the next contest. Unfortunately all the pies are flavors that you absolutely detest, and they're poorly made to boot. One pie actually has a boot sticking out of it. Why can't anything ever be easy?
>Unlucky contestant that gets the boot-pie: You have to eat the entire boot to pass the contest.
>Ixies: You arrive just after Alice stepped out to get some supplies to help with her ambitions. Looks like that no-good tailipo gave you some bad info. It looks like you're going to have to run him through the taffy-puller to get anything out of him. Good.
>Percy: Grab the files you need and vamoose. Muse on just how easy it is to infiltrate elven society. You honesty should have come to this realm sooner.
>Enterprising ConVendors: Begin selling clothespins at extortionate prices.

>Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks: Apologise to King Estmere (narrowly avoiding a diplomatic incident)
>Enterprising amateur magic practisioner: attempt to conjure a mini whirlwind to blow the stinky air away.
>Attempt: fail miserably
>Pie Fight Val Con-goers: Become dangerously close to rioting due to yet another delay.
>Somefur: Have a bright idea to save the con!

(HM King Estmere) Make moves toward the foxes, with emphasis on your well-known prowess with fists, for such a flagrant breach of protocol.
(VM Sweetcheeks) Ask, if he's going to get a whuppin', can he get a whuppin' from Relda?
(HM King Estmere) Deny said request.
(HM King Estmere) Administer a Royal Beatdown.
(SALV Chesswick) Ignore the Royal Beatdown. Wonder what's causing the stench.
(Gourmet among the soldiers) Identify the pie as Elfhamian Radish pie.
(G.A.T.S.) Indicate that a dry white wine goes best with radish pie.
(Wise Professor Skunk) Indicate why Elfhamian Radishes are, ahem, potent.
(Convention Audience) Be unhappy that it isn't Relda giving the Royal Beatdown.
(Riot) Be on the verge of emerging, again.
(Source of Elfhamian Radish) Chuckle madly.
(Mrs. Nero) Show up and berate your no-account spouse.
(Ixies) Fly to the Hall of Ancestors.
(Alice + Scuti) Be prepared for Ixies.
(Brave Percy) Find the file room.
(Brave Percy) Find the file on SALV Faufox
(Brave Percy) Find the file on Percy, Lowfolk Squab.
(File clerkess) Be very busy, in fact too busy, with another file clerk to notice.

Pie Eating Contestestant: Have a weight labeled Heavy Lorde badly disguised as a pie placed in front of you
Soldiers: Someone found a stash of canned chili extra spicy PRAISE FUMA! Notice that some of the flowers and plants in the surrounding area are starting to wilt
Avogadro: After getting Fifi's new outfit also bring back a wagon full of useless gifts that you stole just to give to Relda.
Relda: Be given a horse radish pie, actually its not really a pie its just a plate of horse radish in the shape of a pie.
SALV Chesswick: Begin searching for the source of these wild flatulations

Audience, be surprised at the extreme tolerance of spicy food Relda can handle without any discomfort.
Audience, be disappointed at the low tolerance of spicy food Fifi can handle without screaming in pain.
Audience, be absolutely shocked at the sheer amount of pies that the Rotund Vixen can eat without bursting.

Rotund Vixen, be secretly cheating by hiding away parts of your pies in your elfintory instead of actually swallowing them.
Be noticed by someone, but do not be reported.

Izzy, return from having your costume adjusted to better fit with the judges' specs. Look weird.

Clothespin selling Gypsies, make a fortune.

Young Monocled Patriot, give us a lecture on the potential usefulness of a pie in combat.

Rotund Vixen, be secretly cheating by hiding away parts of your pies in your elfintory instead of actually swallowing them.

Is a vulpine caching food technically cheating? Estvan certainly wouldn't think so.

You know, we haven't had a good Estemere beatdown in a while and I agree that it's high time someone gets a whupping.

>Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks: Apologise to King Estmere (narrowly avoiding a diplomatic incident)

"I, Sweetcheeks, insinuate nothing, Your Majesty," the Vulpsmarshal replied nervously. "There is a foul odor coming from somewhere other than your august personage."

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>Percy: Grab the files you need and vamoose. Muse on just how easy it is to infiltrate elven society.
(Brave Percy) Find the file room.
(Brave Percy) Find the file on SALV Faufox
(Brave Percy) Find the file on Percy, Lowfolk Squab.

Percy boldly crept into the file room and began bravely rifling through the drawers. He marvelled nobly on how easy it was to dupe these elves and enter the most secure areas of their Embassy. Truly, an enterprising bird could make his fortune in such a gullible land as this.

Percy stalwartly located the file labeled "SALV Relda Fauxfox" and was starting to close the drawer when his heroic eye lit upon a tab labeled "Percy le Gobelet." He grasped the file with his mighty thews and fearlessly opened it.

"DELISHOUS LOFOLK SQUAB" the cover page declared.

>Avogadro:*GASP!* She kicked you! She kicked you with her own foot! Quickly now, go fetch what she wants.
Avogadro: After getting Fifi's new outfit also bring back a wagon full of useless gifts that you stole just to give to Relda.

While the con staff were setting up the table for the pie-eating contest, Avogadro returned. In one hand he held a shiny new Pie-Fight Valkyrie costume, and with the other hand he pulled a wagon full of assorted junk.

"Here is a replacement outfit for your friend, my lady," the Sergeant mooned. "Though I would be ecstatic if you would wear it yourself. I've also brought you a wagonload of gifts, as a thank-you for being so beautiful. Please look at them and enjoy them."

I was saved from having to sift through a mound of worthless bric-a-brac by a voice shouting, "Places, people! Places for the pie eating contest!"

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>Ixies: You arrive just after Alice stepped out to get some supplies to help with her ambitions. Looks like that no-good tailipo gave you some bad info.
(Ixies) Fly to the Hall of Ancestors.

The Ixies gathered after buzzing around the Hall of Ancestors for several minutes.

"No Tailipo here," one Ixie snarled grumpily.

"Have we looked everywhere?" another asked.

"Most everywhere. Forsooth, this place is like a maze."

"If she were here we would have seen her," the third Ixie declared. "That cursed Manx-cat hath led us astray. I say we fry him!"

"I have no objection."

"Nor I."

>Adler-Relda: Begin the next contest. Unfortunately all the pies are flavors that you absolutely detest, and they're poorly made to boot. One pie actually has a boot sticking out of it.
>Unlucky contestant that gets the boot-pie: You have to eat the entire boot to pass the contest.
Pie Eating Contestestant: Have a weight labeled Heavy Lorde badly disguised as a pie placed in front of you
Relda: Be given a horse radish pie, actually its not really a pie its just a plate of horse radish in the shape of a pie.
Izzy, return from having your costume adjusted to better fit with the judges' specs. Look weird.

We took our seats behind a long table on the Convention stage.

"Fan-made pies have been randomly distributed before you," the Vulpsmarsal explained. "When I, Sweetcheeks, ring the bell, you shall commence eating. Whoever finishes the most pies the fastest will earn the full score for this event."

"Well, I'm out," Izzy sighed. "I'm pretty sure this isn't even food. After I went and got myself gussied up to satisfy the judges, too."

"Zis vill be ein challenge," the chubby vixen muttered as she examined her pie.

I surveyed my pie with dismay, noting that it seemed to be nothing more than a pie plate full of horseradishes. "How am I supposed to eat all of that?" I grumbled. "It's huge!"

"Ha ha, suckers," Fifi chortled. "Looks like I lucked out this time. Let the pie-feast begin."

Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks rang the bell.

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Audience, be surprised at the extreme tolerance of spicy food Relda can handle without any discomfort.
Audience, be absolutely shocked at the sheer amount of pies that the Rotund Vixen can eat without bursting.
Rotund Vixen, be secretly cheating by hiding away parts of your pies in your elfintory instead of actually swallowing them.
Be noticed by someone, but do not be reported.
Is a vulpine caching food technically cheating?

"Fuma's mercy!" Detective Webb exclaimed. "I knew she could eat, but I was not prepared for such a spectacle. How can she put away so much, so fast, of material that few would even consider edible?"

"Oh she's known to have a high tolerance for such stuff," Lemmy smirked. "It runs in the family."



"Egad!" Glenholm interjected. "Unless my eyes deceive me .. yes, I do believe she's slipping portions surreptitiously into her elfintory! Are you seeing this?"

"What? No," Lemmy said, confused. "She wouldn't cheat like that .. would she?"

"It's arguable whether food-caching wold be considered cheating, for a vulpine," the Detective mused. "Though I supposed it's also debatable whether a boot could be considered food. She's very sly - it's hard to spot her unless you look quite closely."

"Wait a minute, did you say BOOT?" Lemmy asked incredulously. "Have you been talking about her, that fat vixen, the whole time?"

"Of course. Who have you been talking about?"

Relda, despite your best effort, finish second. Find that for some reason you now have a craving for ham and tarragon pastries.
Relda's breath, be strong enough to put tears in the eyes of elves several paces away.

Rotund Vixen, after finishing off your boot, start munching on the Heavy Lorde, which is really just a cake shaped like a weight. Be the undisputed winner of this competition.

Second set of pies, be just as odd as the first.

Glenholm and Lemmy, finally get to the same page. Discover that you'll have to rethink most of your theories.

Avogadro, keep trying to get Relda to accept your gifts. Have some success with items you would not normally associate with a typical vixen.

Estmere, for some strange reason watching Relda eat brings back old memories of you and your brother on your trip up certain river. Get a craving for ham and tarragon cakes.

Percy, read your file. Realize that the Vulpitanians are very precise when obtaining information, but not apparently aware of what kind of information is actually important.
Then read Relda's file. Discover it's written in the same style.

Ixies, start making your way back. One Ixie, discover a piece of evidence that somebody has been in the Hall recently.

A large, ominous shadow, pass overhead.

>Percy: Realize that there are files for a Fofox, Foe-Fox, Phauxfox, Fourfox, Pho-Faux etc.....become confused.

>PLOT TWIST! Relda's pie be a normal pie disguised as horseradishes, Fifi's pie be a horseradish pie disguised as a normal pie.

>Pie fight Valcon audience: Be treated to a (thrilling?) sight as a berserk Fifi destroyes her outfit in her quest to pour a cold drink down her burning throat. End up in a water fountain.

>Audience: Applaud!

>SALV Chesswick: "Fifi! Vat did I tell you about usink viles?!"

>Vulpsmarshal Sweetcheeks: Point out that Fifi wasn't using wiles...She just K.O.'d herself.

>Relda: Sample Fifi's pie...."Hmph...Lightweight."

>Avogadro's cart of extra goodies: Have another costume for Fifi...

>Avogadro: Wish aloud that Relda instead had lost her clothes.

>Audience: Be treated to another stopping. Best Pie Fight ValCon Ever!

>Percy: Realize that there are files for a Fofox, Foe-Fox, Phauxfox, Fourfox, Pho-Faux etc.....become confused.

That can't be right. A Pho-fox would be a Soup-Master.

>Fifi: While you are indeed the only one who got a normal pie, it is unfortunate that the filing just so happens to be something you're extremely allergic to. Get disqualified for having an allergic reaction. Don't worry, swollen facial cheeks go down eventually.
>Percy: After you get through all the recipes for lowfolk squab, you find a disturbingly detailed account of nearly everything you've ever done both in Faerie and back home. They even know about that embarrassing health problem you have. The only part they've lost track of is your presence in Albric Tor. The reason being, they believe you can't possibly be in the city as no lowfolk would ever be dumb enough to enter. It then goes on to list all the horrifying punishments reserved for lowfolks who dare so much as gaze upon Albric Tor let alone step inside... Have a panic attack.
>SALV back at the entrance: Hear Percy's panic attack. Huh, he must have read his own file, rookie mistake.
>Avogadro: Hover irritatingly close to Relda. Have a bucket ready in case she gets an upset tummy. The glamorous life of a squire.
>Relda-Adler: You start feeling the effects that horseradishes are infamous for. Oh no, the next pie is even worse... It's just a pie-plate filled with nothing but dijon mustard and roast garlic.
>chubby vixen: The next pie will be an even bigger challenge than the boot. It has that screaming skull from the antglade sticking out of it. Muffled screaming can be heard under the crust.
>Lemmy and Webb: get into an argument over who's-who and what's going on, distracting you from something vitally important you both really should have seen.

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Spoiler>Ixies: Return to your captive and rip the scuti screaming from his host and carry him away.
>Jimmy the Bard: "Whoa, what happened?"
>Angus: "... How do you feel about model ships?"
>Jimmy: "They're kinda boring."
>Angus: "You're under arrest."

>Percy: as all this calssified information is right in front of you for some binge reading (good thing you're a fast reader), stealing and tampering; realise you are as, ironicaly enough, the proverbial fox in the henhouse.

>Relda: In a rare moment of remembering you have the power of Gramayre, you made your horseradishes smell and taste like strawberry. ...Spicy Strawberries

(And that's all the suggestions I'll indulge in because not to be the Marshall GrossFunk in the room here but while the whole pies and wardrobe malfunctions shenanigans are fun and all, I'm sorta hoping the plot gets a small jolt forward in a couple of update or so)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMUnbNPCoSw&t=0m42s

>Gramarye shramarye, that's for wimpy limp-wristed princlets. Take your lumps like a real elven skunkess!

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Ixie, discover a piece of evidence that somebody has been in the Hall recently.

"Hold, sisters!" one of the Ixies called out as they were buzzing toward the exit of the Hall of Ancestors. "Doth mine eye deceive me, or do I espy a tuft of orange fur caught on yon sarcophagus?"



"Tis fox fur, no doubt," another Ixie concurred. "But look there!"

"A pile of sugar scattered on the floor!" the third Ixie declared excitedly. "Mayhap she dropped it in her haste, on the way through."

"It seemeth suspicious, doth it not?"

"It seemeth like SUGAR to me."

for some reason you now have a craving for ham and tarragon pastries.
>Avogadro: Hover irritatingly close to Relda. Have a bucket ready in case she gets an upset tummy. The glamorous life of a squire.
>Relda: In a rare moment of remembering you have the power of Gramayre, you made your horseradishes smell and taste like strawberry.
I'm sorta hoping the plot gets a small jolt forward
>Gramarye shramarye, that's for wimpy limp-wristed princlets. Take your lumps like a real elven skunkess!

I had eaten about one-third of my alleged pie when I began craving salty ham and tarragon cakes. This was ridiculous! There was no way I was going to be able to finish this huge plate of horseradishes. Perhaps if I used Gramarye on them to make them a bit more palatable ..

NO! That was the coward's way out! And additionally it might be considered cheating.

But then again, why did I care? I hadn't come here to win a stupid contest at an absurd Vulpitanian picture-scroll convention; I had come here to warn Estmere about the dire peril he faced unbeknownst! Time was of the essence! I could not afford to dawdle any longer!



"Estmere," I projected at him with Elfmind. "Estmere, you are in great danger. Seek refuge immediately!"

"Are you feeling ill, milady?" Avogadro simpered behind me. "I have a bucket ready for your need."

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Spoiler

Percy, read your file. Realize that the Vulpitanians are very precise when obtaining information, but not apparently aware of what kind of information is actually important.
>Percy: After you get through all the recipes for lowfolk squab, you find a disturbingly detailed account of nearly everything you've ever done

"BAWK!" Percy squawked bravely as he read several pages of Squab Recipes intermingled with obscure personal details about himself.

"Likes teh color blue & wood taste grate basted w/ garlic buttre," one page stated.

"Has loose feathers under left arm. Pluck clean and roast 45 minutes per pound," said another.

After that were several pages of a document called Le Chanson du Percy le Gobelet, which described the noble bird's actions of the past few years in a semi-accurate courtly epic style. It ended abruptly with the hero sneaking into the Vulpitanian Embassy. Appended to the last page was a hand-written note: "Confirmed by The Plan. Subject will infiltrate file room, read files. Attempt to detain, baste with garlic butter."

>Ixies: Eat the sugar without a second thought, unfortunately it's enchanted with unseelie magic that makes you Alice's thralls until it wears off.
>Adler-Relda: Your brother seems too preoccupied flirting with that giraffe girl to hear you. However, she seems to notice what you're doing and gives you a menacing glare. Is she somehow blocking your message?
>Relda-personality:"Oh no you don't! I'm going to win this contest and become a star, and you are not going to mess this up for me!" Fight for control.
>Judges: Tell Relda to quit making faces and to stop punching herself and focus.
>Avogadro: Offer to help shovel food into Relda's mouth faster. This is surprisingly allowed since the original pie-what's-her-name had feeding servants too.
>Percy: Note how strange it is that they would keep their files in the kitchen. Suddenly you are not alone.
>Fifi: Choke on an entire tin can that was left in your pie.

>Percy: Suddenly regret your large luncheon of cornbread and chestnut dressing.

>Estemere: Be too dull to hear the Elfmind.
>Relda: No time for subtlety. Raise your voice to remind your king of that time when you surprised him naked in his bathroom and elicited a girly shriek out of him, and request an urgent & private audience with him right now. Carry on to reminisce loudly and publicly the conversation about bald spots and other topics of hair loss you had that day until he agrees.

I like Percy reading about himself, very spooky!

(Brave Percy) Be confronted by two Vulps, one with assorted turkey-cooking equipment.
(Vulps) Be ready to go all in on the cornbread.
(Brave Percy) Deny, upon being questioned, that you are: (a) Percy, and (b) a squab.
(Vulps) Assume: (a) that this fur is telling the truth, or (b) he's being very Vulpitanian.
(Brave Percy) Flee with the files!

(HM King Estmere) Hear a voice on your head.
(HM King Estmere) Be worried: that's how one or two of your ancestors went around the bend.
(Relda Faufox) Pick up your tin with half-eaten "pie."
(Relda Faufox) Throw said pie at the King to get his attention.
(Audience) Cheer madly! THIS is more like it!
(Pie-fight) Erupt.
(VM Sweetcheeks) Get hit with a pie that has a huge, heavy weight in it.
(Avogadro) Get hit with a pie that has yourself in it.
(HM King Estmere) Get an assisted pook.
(Assistance) Come from some fur unexpected.