The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

>Burnside: You manage to wiggle your arms and feet free, but your legs and torso are still tangled. You're reduced to waddling around like a penguin.
>Thomson: Attempt to get back into Adler's good graces by helping him prepare the stew. Actually learn a thing or two.
>Adler: Be apprehensive at first, but you simply cannot turn down the opportunity to teach your craft. Wouldn't it be something if you could convince the realms to submit to your rule without a fight by offering them regular stew rations?
>Army: Return with supplies of mismatched foodstuffs with flavors that do not go well together. Dump it all in the stew before Adler can object.

Adler > sip stew and go into crippling shock on how bad it Tastes! "what did they put in there?" you need to remedy this stew quickly!

Adler > add feral wolves to stew

(Army) Forage wildly and madly.
(Stew Ingredients) Be somewhat odd.
(Stew Ingredients) Include: Six drops of the Essence of Terror, five drops of Sinister Sauce, and a touch of Tincture of Tenderness.
(Soldier) Admit that you raided the potions chest at the Chapel.
(Adler) Produce that most feared of creatures...a Stew Golem.
(Feral wolves) Try to flee the Stew Golem.
(Stew Golem) Catch the wolves. Eat them. Get bigger.
(Stew Golem) Act like a little kid, in some ways.

One of the soldiers, be shouted at for not bringing back anything. Then, aster a closer inspection, turn out to be carrying an armful of assorted mushrooms.
Several other soldiers, find a secluded cottage and go pillage it. Get chased out by a little old lady armed with a broken broom handle.
A half-senile old war veteran, set out to recover a box of provisions that you remembered burying nearby during an army campaign in your youth. Reassure your comrades that the hardtack should, in theory, still be edible after all this time.
A couple of predatory inclined woodselves, enter a nearby forest to hunt. End up mistaking each other for feral game.
One soldier, bring back a mysterious pretty girl in a ground length skirt back with you.

The Black Beast of Argh (or something similar), be watching the group from a distance.

>Burnside: You manage to wiggle your arms and feet free, but your legs and torso are still tangled. You're reduced to waddling around like a penguin.
> Thomson: Attempt to get back into Adler's good graces
> Adler: Be apprehensive at first

"Sorry about my actions earlier, Your Highness," Ms. Thomson said as she sidled up to the stew cauldron. "I was under orders from the Sisterhood to gain definite control over you, but personally I trust you and I know you'll do the right thing. Let me help you with this stew you're making."

"Don't trust that durn Floozy," Burnside snarled as she hobbled over. "She's a-tryin ta use Wiles on ya even now! Somebody get me outta these dang ropes, and I'll help fix the vittles. I reckon them soldiers'll bring back some game that needs butcherin."

"Careful with that knife, dearie," Thomson sneered. "Hopping around like that, you're liable to hurt someone."

"Anyone helping with this stew will have to obey my orders to the letter," I insisted. "A proper stew is a work of art. Its flavor can motivate an army, or perhaps even inspire a city to peacefully surrender. Hmmm.."

One soldier, bring back a mysterious pretty girl in a ground length skirt back with you.

My musings on the possibility of using the Language of Flavors to bring about a peaceful resolution to conflict was interrupted by my soldiers returning.

"Look what I found in the woods, sir!" one recruit yelled enthusiastically as he tugged the lowfolk bunny maiden along by her arm.

"NO," I declared sternly. "We are not making ham out of her or putting her into the stew, or eating lowfolk flesh in any way whatsoever."

"Don't be so hasty to restrict yer menu," Burnside advised.

"No lowfolk," I repeated.

"Does that mean I can keep her then?" the soldier asked hopefully.

"I won't have my troops eating lowfolk, and we haven't got the time or resources to keep pets," I decided. "Take her back into the woods and turn her loose."

One of the soldiers, be shouted at for not bringing back anything. Then, aster a closer inspection, turn out to be carrying an armful of assorted mushrooms.

As the dog soldier trudged forlornly away with the bunny maiden in tow, another recruit approached, making a hopeless gesture with his arms.

"How dare you come up here empty-handed!" I yelled irritably. "Get away from the cauldron if you have nothing to contribute!"

"I, uh, have a load of mushrooms, sir," the porcine soldier explained uncertainly. "Nobody mentioned you not liking them."

"Oh," I exclaimed. "Yes, mushrooms. I see them now. Usually they are beneath my notice, but those actually might be useful."

>Army: Return with supplies of mismatched foodstuffs with flavors that do not go well together. Dump it all in the stew before Adler can object.
"what did they put in there?"

Before I could examine the mushrooms, my attention was diverted by a loud, plopping splash from the cauldron. I turned just in time to see MacBrock dropping an armload of something into the stew.

"THA SHOULD SPICE IT OOP REET BONNY," the badger chuckled merrily.

"What did you do??" I shrieked. "What did you just dump into my stew???"

(Stew Ingredients) Be somewhat odd.
(Soldier) Admit that you raided the potions chest at the Chapel.
that most feared of creatures...a Stew Golem.

"NOWT BUT SOME TASTY VITTLES," MacBrock insisted. "A GEET LOAD O' PEACHES, BOYSENBERRIES, CUMQUATS, PINE NUTS, AN BONNY RED BLUE AN YELLOW POWDERS FRAE THE CHAPEL HERBARIUM."



"Cushlomachree!" Estvan exclaimed. "Sure an' if I'm not far mistaken, tis the recipe for a dread Stew Golem!"

>After a terrible bubbling, a malicious figure rises from the cauldron's brothy depths. It's soupy eyes radiate only the most foul of lentil evils. Gaze upon its dark form and despair.
>Adler:"You are my own creation, I command you to obey!"

Or
>Believing that the stew is ready and the fact it's moving around just means it's fresh, the army digs in with a ravenous hunger never before seen by civilized people. The stew golem's agonized wails traumatize everyone else present.

>Spying Agents: Silently gawk at the scrying orb in complete disbelieving bewilderment over the shenanigans taking place.

Someone addeat to taht 'stew'

>Estvan: Be kidding. There is no such thing as a stew golem and even if there was, it wouldn't be the recipe for it .. clearly this is the recipe to summon a (ta)djin

>Someone notice the skunk tail ont the bunny maiden. Be very stupid about it.

A problem: I've been following the Ballad since the start and I still don't know how the various exclamations Estvan makes are supposed to be pronounced...


Stew Golem, be imbued with the powers and abilities of every ingredient put into your creation, including the foul vapours of onions the stealth of mushrooms as well as any natural traits of the animals whose meat went into the mixture. Also, be ravenously hungry for more stew ingredients to increase your size and power. Trample anybody that would dare to get in your way. Then, when you've grown big enough, begin reproducing by splitting into multiple smaller golems.
Stew Golem's greatest weakness, be edibility. Eating the Stew Golem, cause various odd side effects to anybody foolish enough to actually eat it.

Delicious stewy smell of the Golem, attract a group of bandits that were hiding nearby.

>Enough dillydallying with soup making, get into a conflict with an organized enemy already!

>Slender gooey fingers rise out of the bubbling cauldron and grips tightly around the rim. A dripping, steaming figure slowly rises from the cauldron. Its body still bubbling with boiling heat. Lodged within its chest is a shaped stone glowing bright blue with magical energy. what was thought of as grandma's soup stone by the badger, turns out to be a magical golem totem. It climbs out of the cauldron, taking the all contents within its body. The ground sizzles and spits beneath its feet, leaving boiled yellowed grass where ever it steps.

>Golem, speak in a surprisingly civilized voice, reminiscent of the late Ronald Colman.

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Spoiler

I've been following the Ballad since the start and I still don't know how the various exclamations Estvan makes are supposed to be pronounced...

Despite them being transliterations!?

"Hudalaleigh" is Robin Hood's exclamation from the Disney animated film, pronounced "hoo-duh-LOL-ee"
"Cushlomachree" is some Irish expression I don't know the meaning of, which was used often by Mr. O'Malley in Crockett Johnson's "Barnaby" comic strip. It is pronounced "cush-la-mack-REE"
His walking staff is a traditional Celtic implement known as a "shillelagh" which is pronounced "shill-AY-lee"

Had I used standard Gaelic spelling, the pronunciation would be even more difficult to figure out. Take another of Estvan's frequently used expressions: "Chan eil gu leor airgid agam" which is pronounced "RAY-mund-lug-shur-ee-YOTT"

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Spoiler

"Cushlomachree" is some Irish expression I don't know the meaning of, which was used often by Mr. O'Malley in Crockett Johnson's "Barnaby" comic strip. It is pronounced "cush-la-mack-REE"

It means "pulse of my heart," and can either be a term of endearment, or (as in the case above), something akin to "my heart!!!"

I just have to laugh at the "lowfolk maiden's" expression.

(HSH Prince Adler) Wonder why everyfur (even Estvan!) is in a tizzy.
(HSH Prince Adler) Be grabbed by something that smells delicious.
(HSH Prince Adler) Come face-to-face with a Stew Golem.
(Stew Golem) Stare at Adler with beady mushroom eyes (why the royal skunk hadn't noticed you).
(HSH Prince Adler) Demand the Stew Golem obey him, as its creator.
(Stew Golem) RAAAAAAAAAAAH and smack down your creator.
(HSH Prince Adler) In anger, grab Estvan's stick, and fetch the Golem furious blows.
(Stew Golems, plural) Divide and re-divide under the series of blows.
(Stew Golem Corps) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Estvan Silverbrush) Take back your stew-wetted walking stick in high dudgeon.
(Stew Golem Corps) Start shambling off in the direction of the Capital!

>Someone: Engage in Dark Saucery, the most foul (tasting) of Unseelie arts.

>Adler:"You are my own creation, I command you to obey!"
gooey fingers rise out of the bubbling cauldron
(HSH Prince Adler) Demand the Stew Golem obey him, as its creator.
grab Estvan's stick
(Estvan Silverbrush) in high dudgeon
Dark Saucery, the most foul (tasting) of Unseelie arts.

"No," I insisted, as a gooey hand began to emerge from the bubbling broth. "NO, you foul product of Dark Saucery! I am the Stew Master and I will not permit you to ruin my army's lunch! NEVER, foul creature! Back to the depths from which you came! Mr. Silverbrush, keep this monster down while I add the final ingredients."

Estvan stepped forward, grimly brandishing his shillelagh.

"You back there!" I called, gesturing without taking my eyes from the emerging horror in the cauldron. "Bring those mushrooms! We will need .." I took a whiff of the aroma of the stew. "A grey one with purple splotches and a wrinkly stem. I hope you have some."

"I have three, sir," the pig replied nervously, placing the fungus in my hand.

I quickly broke the mushrooms up into fragments and tossed them into the cauldron.

"Begorrah, tis workin' lad!" Estvan exclaimed. "Now stir! Stir with all yer might!"

"NEEDS SALT," I grunted as I worked my stew-paddle around in the thickening broth.

Another soldier stepped up with a rammikin of salt. I nodded, and he tossed it into the stew.

After a few more savage stirs, the ghastly hand began to melt back into the broth, and the liquid became quiescent. Cautiously I took a spoonful and blew on it for a few seconds. I tasted it. It was good.

"It's ready," I announced. "Form a line. Any who do not have a bowl and a spoon will be issued one from the mess wagon."

Within minutes, everyone was eating. The order and efficiency with which the army got their meal was almost enough to bring a tear of admiration to my eye, despite my never having had any military experience nor training. If they could co-ordinate a luncheon this smoothly, I had high hopes about their performance on the field of battle.

the army digs in with a ravenous hunger
>Spying Agents: Silently gawk
>Someone notice the skunk tail ont the bunny maiden

"Didn't Prince Adler order you to take that maiden back to the woods and release her?" someone asked the hound who had brought the bunny maiden.

"He didn't say to do it right away," the hound replied between mouthfuls of stew. "It can wait til I'm done eating."

"Didn't she have a big fluffy white tail earlier?" the other elf inquired. "It was actually a lot like the Prince's tail, as I recall."

"That's silly," the hound muttered dismissively. "Who ever heard of a lowfolk rabbit with a glorious, luxurious white skunk tail?"

"Am I to be sacrificed, or art thou just going to stand about and ogle me all day?" the maiden demanded. "Where is my Frost-Biter?"

>Enough dillydallying with soup making, get into a conflict with an organized enemy already!
Start shambling off in the direction of the Capital!

"ALL RIGHT TROOPS," I yelled after the spoons and bowls had been returned to the wagon, and the cauldron had been scrubbed clean and properly stowed. "Let's get moving now! ON TO THE CAPITAL!"

The army let out a rousing cheer, and we began to march.

After a while, we stopped. A runner came from the front of the column. "We're almost at the gate, sir," he gasped. "But it's heavily guarded."

"Guarded? By whom?"

"You'd best come see for yourself, sir," he panted.

I followed him up past several rows of soldiers, around a bend in the road, and there I beheld -



- the old Faerie Gate to Albric Tor, surrounded by a menacing squadron of Shrub Knights!

>Adler: Try saying "Ni!" at them.
>Someone: Recall that rabbits eat shrubs. Shove the Lowfolk maiden (formerly with the suspiciously long and luxuriant white skunktail) towards the Shrub Knights.

>Army: Shrub Knights?! You didn't sign up for this, contemplate surrender.
>Adler:Give a rousing speech to awaken the fire in your troops.
>Army: That was literal fire, set the shrubs ablaze.
>Scuti-Soldier: Exchange outfits with the bunny maiden. The skirt is ideal for concealing your tail.
>No one ever did take the bunny maiden back into the woods. After getting tired of her complaining, they gave her a helmet and sword and told her to get in formation. You're in the army now.
Or
>These shrubs are defectors, here to join your noble quest. They must have smelled the stew earlier.

Badger > Laugh at the wee shrubs and take a squad in to chop em up

Squad > be utterly rekt by the shrub knights, only the badger makes it out alive. shrubs have not moved from their positions, bodies litter around them. blood covering the weapons and leaves.

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Spoiler It turns out I was off in pronouncing every single one of those words...
Damn you Irish and your weird unpronounceable language. (joke)

Shrubs, be devastatingly powerful. Brutally repulse all attacks with casual ease.
Shrub commander, be watching the battle through a scrying sphere. Laugh manically.
Brother Matthias, be in a possession of an ancient relic of devastating power, capable of defeating even the shrub knights. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know how to properly use it.

Several soldiers, report their comrades suddenly developing fluffy white tails that seem to disappear after a while. Various rumors, get started. Alice, try in vain to stop those rumors.

Stew, have a weird effect on all who ate it.

>Adler: Parlay with the shrubbery.

Shrubbery: be commanded by that samurai shrub that's very loyal to Adler and hesitate to attack the enemy and be torn on wether to join the rebellion or squash it

>Realize that Shrub Knights can be defeated just by tipping over their pots. Tip them over and walk on through!

>Someone: Recall that rabbits eat shrubs. Shove the Lowfolk maiden towards the Shrub Knights.

"Shrubs!" someone muttered amongst the troops. "Are we supposed to be scared? Bah! Let's just send all of the herbivores in there to nibble them to submission! Where's that strange long-tailed rabbitess I saw earlier?"

"Those look like holly bushes to me," another soldier bleated. "Not good for munching, at all."

awaken the fire in your troops.
Badger > Laugh at the wee shrubs and take a squad in to chop em up
Shrub Knights can be defeated just by tipping over their pots. Tip them over and walk on through!

"FIE, YE DAINTY WEE PANSIES," MacBrock bellowed as he barged ahead through the ranks. "I'VE A MIGHTY AXE WI' WHICH TAE HEW THEIR BRITTLE BOUGHS CLEAN THROUGH! OR WE'LL SET 'EM AFLAME! OR, BY THE LADY, JUST TIP THEIR POTS OVER! MACBROCK TREMBLES BEFORE NO SHROOB! WHO'S WI' ME?"

Before I could stop them, a score of stalwart fighters followed MacBrock in a charge, pell-mell into the midst of the Shrub Knights.

Shrubs, be devastatingly powerful. Brutally repulse all attacks with casual ease.

"Fuma! I can't look!" I wailed as I cringed from the sounds of carnage. Hacking and chopping and screams of mortal agony filled the air.

"Arragh, tis a fine old elfly way to go," Estvan sighed wistfully, with a hand over his heart. "Sure and I've not seen elves fall so, by their own folly, since the Long Ago. Twill make a lovely new crop o' monuments in the Hall of Ancestors."

>Army: Shrub Knights?! You didn't sign up for this, contemplate surrender.
Squad > be utterly rekt by the shrub knights, only the badger makes it out alive.

"FLY!" MacBrock shrieked as he dragged himself painfully from the field of battle. "THEY'VE O'ERMATCHED US AND THE DAY IS LOST! FLY, I SAY! FLEE FOR YER VERY LIVES!"

"STAND!" I yelled decisively before my army could panic. "You see the results of rashness and failing to await orders! Someone fetch that badger out of there and carry him to the herbalist's wagon. What? We have no herbalist? Find Brother Matthew and ask him then! Now someone bring me a stick and a white handkerchief for a flag of truce. I would parley with the commander of these shrubs!"

>Adler: Parlay with the shrubbery.
Shrubbery: be commanded by that samurai shrub that's very loyal to Adler and hesitate to attack the enemy and be torn on wether to join the rebellion or squash it

"PARLEY!" I declared, when the flag was in my hand. "My weapons are put well away, and I would speak with your commander in complete peace!"

The Shrub Knights rustled as I strode forward. I passed unscathed among them to where their superior officer stood, in the back.



"Agent Bonsai?" I asked as I squatted down to address him.

"This lowly one is known as Sergeant-Major Bonsai now, thanks in large part to the meritorious decoration bestowed by Your Highness," the tiny tree replied. "Sincerest apologies about your men, but we must defend ourselves when attacked."

"What are you doing out here?"

"This one's squad was placed here and commanded to defend the approach to the Capital. Please forgive one's boldness in confessing that it is uncertain in which direction the true path of honor lies. The air is rife with various reports. It is said that the Crown has been corrupted by Vulpitania and the supposedly nonexistent Sisterhood. Yet it is also said that you yourself are in league with said Sisterhood, and the Duchess of Daisies."