Quick Dirty Bastards: For All The Lovers Out There

This description is aptly quick and dirty. This is mostly a tracking thread for my Shadowrun campaign. We're playing on Sunday nights at 7PM central. This message is subject to change as things get more organized.


Players:
felixsparks: Damien Tanner
soundlyParanoid: Shodan Liberty Bernanke OBAMA
sdgenko: Peter Marshall Twix Abercrombie Peter Marshall
Schazer: Harvestine
Chwoka: Pete November Lydia December
Pharmacy: Guy Peterson
Mirdini: Kaz Fujimoto
Sai: Nathan Keats
Godbot: Dr. Angstrom

Sourcebook here

Ever growing piles of fanart: Pile here

Season 1:
Episode 1: Criminal Stupidity
Episode 2: Homecoming at Greenwood High
Episode 3: The Bubble
Episode 4: Pete November Must Die
Episode 5: Quick Dirty Housesitters
Episode 6a: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Episode 6b: Murder at the Midnight Cowboy
Episode 7: The Bastards Jump the Shark
Episode 8: Quick Dirty Wacky Racers
Episode 9: Meanwhile in the Ratden
Episode 10a: Shortcut to Mushrooms
Episode 10b: Visions of a Mad Man
Episode 11: We Didn't Start the Fire

Intermission:
Episode 12: Sleepless in Seattle
Episode 13: A Fistful of Nuyen
Episode 14a: Escape from Chicago
Episode 14b: Bug Hunt
Episode 15: 20,000 Leagues Under the Plot

Season 2:
Episode 16: Welcome to Tokyo
Episode 17: Chasing the Dragon
Episode 18: The Perfect Heist
Episode 19: Derail the Derail
Episode 20: Mutiny in the Dragon's Keep
Episode 21a: Revenge
Episode 21b: Agatha Withers Vs. The World
Episode 22: The Bands of Battle
Episode 23: The Parent Trap
Episode 24: Keep Your Friends Close
Episode 25: Ya(Kaz)a Flip
Episode 26a: The Gang's All Here
Episode 26b: The World Ends With Pete

Intermission 2:
Episode 27: Lord of the Fly
Episode 28: French-Brazilian Bastards

Season 3:
Episode 29: Welcome Home
Episode 30: Chemicals
Episode 31: Rolling Stones
Episode 32: Bullshit Internet Magic
Episode 33: From Above
Episode 34: Enter the Twilight Calzone
Episode 35a: A Whole New World
Episode 35b: I need titles
Episode 35c: Seriously guys these titles suck
Episode 35d: A Hyperlink to the Past
(Episode 35d.1)
Episode 35e: The Seven Deadly Sins of Al Gore

(Character Sheet)

Harvestine, the eco-terrorist. Her sheet can be found here.


Her magical tradition is "Non-traditional."
Combat: beast spirits
Detection: fire, aka light spirits
Health: water, aka booze spirits (spirit spirits?)
Illusion: air, aka noise spirits
Manipulation: earth, aka nature spirits

Drain is checked off Intellect, as her magical aptitude is dictated by spur-of-the moment cunning/inspiration/dumb luck rather than a calculated assessment of how to direct magic to best suit the situation (Logic) or intense concentration on a desired end goal (Willpower).

She can hit things and has a grenade launcher.

My contacts:

TNT - my mentor in explosives construction. Friends with (former?) benefits. Stuttery, excitable little shit that you'd love to punch. Loves explosions. Will hell Harvestine out if the opportunity to see more explosions presents itself.

My enemies:

Dad - a tired old codger in some megacorp's middle management. Victim of theft; Harvestine stole a decent sum of his savings when she ran off to join the shadows.

Guy Peterson - Harvestine ran this dude over with her moped on an almost-whim in Session One. She then stole his SIN details, and wired a whole bunch of his money out to fund Pete's loan repayments and several dozen kilos of explosives. Was mugged and had his arm stolen by muggers after Harvestine left him in an alley to recover from spontaneous moped.

Bashfully humble infiltrator adept (Male):

SpoilerShow

Attributes
Body: 4
Agility: 5 (3)
Reaction: 4 (6)
Strength: 3
Charisma: 3
Intuition: 4
Logic: 2
Willpower: 3
Edge: 3
Essence: 6
Magic: 6
Initiative: 10


Qualities
Adept
Will to Live (1)
Astral Beacon
Wanted (Saeder-Krupp)

Active Skills
Athletics 3
Close Combat 4
Stealth 4
Pistols 1

Knowledge Skills
TBA


Language Skills
TBA


Adept Powers
Killing Hands
Elemental Strike (Sound)
Improved Senses (Thermographic Vision, Flash Dampening)
Combat Sense (Level 2)
Imrpoved Reflexes 2
Attribute Boost (Agility Level 2)
Missile Parry (Level 2)


Weapons
Katana
Shock Glove
Ares Predator IV
--- Smartgun System

Ammo:
Normal X 300


Armor
Chameleon Suit
--- Thermal Damping (3)
---Insulation (6)
---Shock Frills


Other Items
TBA


Licenses
SIN (4)
Pistol (4)
Concealed Carry (4)


Lifestyle
Middle (Three Months Paid for)

More to come!

This campaign is going to have Dire Borg Ghost Wolf Ben Bernanke in it, even if I have to kill him myself.

My Contacts:

Pete The Drug Dealer: Other Pete used to be Pete's co-DJ, picked fresh off the streets due to being a lookalike for Pete, which doesn't matter for radio but it starts a conversation. And they had the same first names! Wow! Other Pete was known by Pete's radio fanbase for his firey political rants and book readings. (Some were banned, others were just good.) Then Pete's money problems started catching up with him and he had to let Other Pete go because he couldn't pay him any more.

Lydia The Ex-Roommate: Lydia used to be Pete's roommate until he couldn't pay rent any more.

My Enemies:

Lydia The Newscaster: Different Lydia. I kinda piss her off (though she doesn't know it's me) when I interrupt her show with my pirate radio broadcast. It's old-fashioned terrestial radio and nobody gives a shit but her though, so she can't get her superiors to throw the book of hammers at me. Her rage festers in impotence.

My... Frenemies:

The Ghost of Ben Bernanke: We met at college. It was an integrated human/ghost college and he had to go get a degree in finance from an accrediated GHOST college before he could reenter the profession he had in life. Now, I owe him 45,000 Nuyen.

Karma Time!

For successfully retrieving the evidence left at EvoCorp, "erasing" the LoneStar security footage, and Living to Tell About It, Chwoka, Felix, Schazer, and Para receive 2 Karma.

For being in the Right Place at the Right Time, helping others when it's Not Your Fight, and surviving his encounter with the Criminally Stupid, Scott snags 3 Karma.

For Answering the Hero's Call and for choosing Discretion as the Better Part of Valor, Felix earns an additional 2 Karma.

For Heroically Mugging Strangers, Taking the Initiative, and for a Unique Approach to Problem Solving, Schazer rakes in 3 more Karma.

For rolling with GM Puppetry, Finding Mercy in a Rhubarb Pie, and exhibiting the Dire Borg Prowess, Paranoia takes in 3 extra Karma.

For being The Man with the Plan, exhibiting Excellent Motivation, Doing the Legwork, and Keeping Spirits High, Chwoka is granted 4 more Karma.

Aftermath will be posted soon.

SESSION 1 SUMMARY

PART 1: ghosts exist

"THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE," says Pete November (Chwoka) as part of his regular pirate radio broadcast duties, before slipping an old Barry White record onto the platter. Suddenly, there's a knocking at his van door! Pete tries to jump in the front seat and hightail it, but can't, because YOU CAN'T JUST DRIVE AWAY FROM ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, PETE. In comes one of Ben Bernanke's hired goons, holding a gun molded to be shaped like a dick. (Ben Bernanke got WEIRD after he died and turned into a ghost.) The goon points out that Pete owes Ben 45,000 nuyen, with interest on top of that. Pete says he'll do anything, and starts sucking some gun dick. This is like two minutes into the campaign. The goon, extricating his dick gun from Pete's mouth, explains that he wants some privacy before he will explain what's going on, which is, incidentally, the Barry White song that is playing. "Oh, sure, sure," says Pete, before leaning into the mic. "This one goes out to all you lovers out there." He puts on some death metal and turns off the mic that has actually been on this whole time.

The goon explains that Ben wants Pete to do a job in exchange for covering this month's interest. Apparently, one of Ben's shadowrunning crews was hired or extorted into doing a little corporate espionage on EvoCorp and, while successful, left evidence behind that could easily be tied back to Ben Bernanke: a dropped drone, and security footage. They are, remarkably, less competent than Pete, a man with no weapons, no useful experience, and no friends. The goon flatters Pete by telling him he's a hard man to find. In order to ensure that Pete does his job instead of saying he will and then driving away, disappearing into the afternoon, Ben has sent an escort. "What, like a prostitute?" asks Pete. No, not like a prostitute at all. More like a babysitter. Enter Shodan (soundlyParanoid), a Dire Borg — more machine than woman, more weapons than you can shake a stick at before being obliterated. She immediately takes a hating to Pete.

The goon leaves, and Pete ends his broadcast with a desperate plea for help from anyone listening. Who's listening? Damien Tanner (FelixSparks) and Lydia Ko (Schazer), aka Harvestine flatmates and presumed lovers. (The presumption couldn't be more wrong.) Damien wants to go help this guy because he thinks it will be interesting. Harvestine has to be dragged along, kicking and grumbling. Meanwhile, Shodan gives Pete an SMG that's never used, in flagrant violation of Chekhov's Gun. The four meet and greet. "So, are you the lovers out there?" is not a well-received greeting. Pete's not in a position to negotiate and so Damien and Harvestine demand undefined payment for services rendered post-hoc. He has to agree.

The crew goes to where Pete's Rad Van is parked and begin to argue about where to go plan the heist. On the back of multiple sarcastic comments Pete makes, everybody in the group literally takes turns punching him in the face. Only Shodan succeeds, and gives Pete a concussion. Eventually, Pete just hops in his van, Harvestine on her moped, and they drive to Pete's trap shack, a house with mostly-plywood walls and a corrugated aluminum door. It's a real shithole. Pete literally has to shit in a hole. Furnishings consist of a non-functioning toilet, a bedroll, a non-functioning refrigerator that breeds new species of spider, and a gigantic collection of antique music. I can't even remember why, but Pete gets punched in the face again, leaving his nose broken. "If we keep this up," says someone, "pretty soon the whole economy will be based on punching Pete in the face."

"Well, at least then my debt would be easier to pay off!" Pete jokes. "I'd just need to let Shodan here punch me in the face 45 thousand times." Shodan punches Pete in the face 45 thousand times and he dies. Reload from last quicksave.

The Quick Dirty Bastards begin to plan. Shodan has 2 janitor-level access cards to the EvoCorp building. Damien calls up his contact, Jamie the Computer Guy, and asks him for info on this EvoCorp place. Jamie asks for payment. Damien says 10,000 nuyens and Pete flips the fuck out because that's more than the whole mission is worth. So Damien lowers the offer to 1,000, which is still absolutely ludicrous, especially considering that the only thing Jamie digs up are the blueprints to the EvoCorp building, which is already public domain. Meanwhile, Harvestine goes out to case the joint out, which proves much more useful. There's a fat security guard guarding the employee parking lot.

"Easy as rhubarb pie," says Harvestine.

"Wait, pie!" says Pete. "That gives me an idea. What if we baked a pie for the security guard, but then didn't give him any silverware? That way, he has to go into the pie face-first. Then, we punch him in the face THROUGH the pie tin!"

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard," says Damien, and he's right. Somehow, though, Pete remains the brains of the operation.

The security guard points Harvestine to the visitor's lobby. Harvestine goes there. The receptionists asks why she's there. Harvestine bullshits and says she's there to see "Mr. Schneider," who does not exist. When the receptionist tells Harvestine such, Harvestine says he's from the east branch and leaves. But this small nugget of information forms the crux of the whole plan, which Pete formulates and actually works. Damien, who is good at disguising himself, will dress as a business man and say he's Mr. Schneider, from the east branch. The receptionist won't bother to look it up because the fact that two separate people talked about him is plenty cross-referencing. Shodan will play the part of his bodyguard and get a visitor's pass. Harvestine will check for Mr. Schneider again and be let in with another visitor's pass.

Pete could probably pull the same trick as Harvestine, but that would be too many good ideas for one day, so instead it is decided that all together, we need one more identity. The plan is to frame that person so as to throw the scent off our own trail. So, on her way over, Harvestine commits a hit-and-run on a random pedestrian, whose name is Guy Peterson. Harvestine offers to call an ambulance for him if she gives him all his identifying information and Peterson, dazed and confused, does so. Harvestine quickly looks around for a phone booth so she can call an ambulance untraceably and not connect herself to the crime, but finds none. Harvestine, at this point, has all the information she needs to steal this man's identity, so she decides to drag him into a dark alleyway, steal his arm, and leave him for dead. Then, she goes across the street and tears off another man's ear. Harvestine drives off into the sunset, a real modern cowboy.

Back at Trap Shack HQ, the plan is solidified. It turns out Guy Peterson was an intern at EvoCorp's west branch, so Pete will pretend to be Guy Peterson and go hack the servers under his name to remove the footage. Damien will discretely jam the radio signals that allow the cameras to send footage to monitors and servers. Then, he will go up to the crime scene the previous shadowrun crew left behind and either he or Shodan will palm the evidence. If it is necessary to turn off the lights to accomplish our goals, which is like, contingency plan C, Harvestine will be waiting by the fuse box, ready to hit the lights on any floor needed.

PART 2: Harvestine is not allowed to improvise

THE QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS SPRING INTO ACTION! The entrances, staggered out from Pete's Rad Van, go as smoothly as could possibly be hoped. Damien and Shodan enter and go to the ninth floor, where the crime scene is. Pete is waved through and waits for Harvestine. Harvestine says she's here to see Mr. Schneider again and gets her visitor's pass. The receptionist pages Mr. Schneider to the eighth floor to meet with Harvestine in a conference room, which is really no problem. Pete hits the fifth floor, where the servers are, on the way up. Shodan stays on the ninth floor.

Then, Damien jams the cameras. And the commlinks. Nobody knows what anybody else is doing, or what contingency plan we're on. Pete hacks into the servers and finds out that the footage is actually stored remotely. He goes to the eighth floor to meet with Damien and Harvestine to give them the update, but they're already long-gone, stationed at their posts and enacting their plans. Damien is lying to the 4 policemen investigating the crime scene. He says he saw a kid in a hoodie on the third floor who looked like he might be responsible for the commlink jamming, which has made the police officers suspicious. Two police officers run to the third floor, and two stay up.

Harvestine, however, has decided that without any instruction via commlink, she is allowed to add her own flair to the proceedings. Instead of breaking the locks on the fusebox and flipping the appropriate fuse and escaping before anyone knows it was here, she rigs C4 to the fusebox and — fittingly — puts it on a fuse, which should run out of length by the time the elevator gets her to the eighth floor and lets her out. Chwoka stammers about how this is a terrible idea the whole time it's being set up. When Harvestine reaches the eighth floor and every light, electronic, and elevator goes dead, Chwoka gets the opportunity to chew her out in-character.

"I blew up the fusebox," says Harvestine.

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard," says Pete, and he's right.

"Look," says Harvestine, "Nobody's going to suspect you were doing something as innocuous as checking records if you bothered to blow up the building."

"So your plan," says Pete, "is to cover up a smaller crime with a BIGGER CRIME."

"Plus, once the electricity is out, nobody's going to expect a hacker."

"Right," says Pete, "because it is impossible."

"Exactly!" says Harvestine.

"No, I don't think you understand," says Pete, "it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to hack if the electricity's out."

Also, the fire alarm is going off everywhere, because there is a fire in the basement and it's spreading.

Meanwhile upstairs, Damien lies more because it worked to get rid of the first two policemen. When the lights go out and the fire alarm goes off, he says he thinks he saw a child in a cubicle over there. The policemen don't buy it for a second. A, why would a child be in the cubicle in Research & Development while it's closed off, B, why would that be relevant in our current situation, C, who the hell is Mr. Schneider and why is he up here? Shodan takes this opportunity to palm the dropped drone they were here to retrieve and high-tail it down the fire escape, leaving Damien with no backup.

Damien has got to be, like, the last one down the fire escape because he spent so much time on his terrible lie. (Don't worry if I paint everyone in a negative light, they redeem themselves during the car chase.) He's got two police officers in hot pursuit, and by hot I mean sexy, and on the way down he bumps into the police officers who went down to the third floor. These guys don't know he's on the wrong side of the law yet, they assume he's running due to fire, but they take off running downstairs immediately behind him all the time, which makes it LOOK like he's being chased by the police.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Quick Dirty Bastards wait in Pete's Rad Van. "Where the hell is Damien?" says Pete. "If he comes out of those doors and it even LOOKS like he's being chased by police officers, we're closing the doors and driving off without him."

Damien comes out of those doors, but it doesn't LOOK like he's being chased by police officers because Harvestine fires a smoke grenade at the front door as soon as she can see him, and now nobody can see anything. The Quick Dirty Bastards escape in style and smoke inhalation to Trap Shack HQ.

PART 3:

THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS FIGURING OUT WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. The most important piece of information is that the security footage is stored remotely at a Lone Star branch. Pete, the brains of the operation, if only because he can't possibly be the brawn or the good looks, gets on the legwork.

He finds out a ton about Lone Star HQ with a simple data search, and he didn't have to pay 1,000 nuyen for it. There's two rooms on floors 4 and 5 that certainly fit the profile of a server room even if they are marked "classified." There's a dude on the 6th floor who, just this morning, threw himself out of a window — which is still open. At night, there's practically no human security guards, just drones. There's an armory hidden behind the cafe — okay, sidenote, there's a Lone Star Cafe, and it's a separate brand entity from the Lone Star Security Force. A long time ago, they realized there was a brand conflict but they settled out-of-court with an agreement that Lone Star Security Forces would have a Lone Star Cafe in every Lone Star Security Forces building. Okay, so in this particular place, there's an armory hidden out behind the cafe, but no ground-level doors, so you'd have to blow a hole in the wall to get in. I think Pete points this out just to get Shodan and Harvestine's attention.

Pretty much immediately, we have like 4 plans and over half of them are jokes, but the Quick Dirty Bastards don't really care. Plan A is that Pete is going to go into the Lone Star Cafe, get a with Guy Peterson's money, and sip it while he hacks the servers with Peterson's commlink. Plan B is that Damien is going to turn invisible because that's possible, climb in through the 6th floor and try to find information that could help Pete do a better job hacking, like, passwords and shit. Plan C is that Harvestine fights her way to the servers, presumably down from the window entrance, but Pete didn't bother to make that clear, so she assumes that it's UP from the GROUND FLOOR, and then BLOW UP ALL THE SERVERS. Plan D, which is the least real of all the plans, is that Shodan is going to try and land a job interview at the Lone Star Cafe.

The Quick Dirty Bastards realize their own limits, of course, and need extensive prep time. They split up to pursue their own interests. Damien learns to climb real good. Pete cracks open a big book labelled "HACKING FOR DUMMIES, 2071 EDITION." It's kinda weird that they still print those things in paperback, actually.

Shodan decides she can't possibly apply to a day job under her own name and goes to a retirement community to pull a Harvestine and steal an identity. Why can't she use the spare ear Harvestine grabbed? It's not the right gender. Briefly, Shodan pauses to consider the murder she is about to commit. Does she want to kill a defenseless old lady at random, in her own home, so she can get a terrible minimum-wage job with their identity? Paranoid rolls for morality and comes up bankrupt. So Shodan kicks down a random door, and is greeted with a "hello, sweetie" from Agatha Winters, sweetest old lady ever. "Would you like a pie?" Shodan WOULD like a pie. Agatha gives Shodan a delicious rhubarb pie. Shodan decides that the pie tastes better than Agatha's identity ever could and leaves, resolving to come visit again some time. Besides, Rickie James could totally be a girl's name.

Harvestine visits her ex-lover TNT and really uncomfortable flirting ensues. At the core of that exchange, though, is that TNT could totally make explosives enough to take out two floors of the Lone Star building with a bit left over if he had the money to do so with. Harvestine has a flash of inspiration and calls Pete up. Does he still have that arm with the commlink in it? Yeah, he does. He can use that to access Guy Peterson's bank account and we can spend all that money on explosives. Great. Pete accesses Peterson's bank account and finds 5,000 nuyen, just sitting in there. That's crazy, that's more than the job he is doing right now pays him.

...

Yeah, Pete tells Harvestine the bank account is bone-dry, then calls his loan shark Ken Johnson to transfer funds direct from Guy Peterson's account and pay off his debt. When Damien and Shodan immediately call Harvestine to tell her Pete's a liar, it's only then Pete caves and sends Harvestine Peterson's credit cards, which she maxes out on explosives and Pete is going to count as payment for the job.

Wait, let's back up a bit. Harvestine just bought 20,000 NUYENS WORTH OF VOLATILE EXPLOSIVES.

It's now like, midnight. Plans A and D begin concurrently. The codeword for starting Plans B and C is "rhubarb." Despite his extensive cramming, Pete is unable to hack into the servers from the cafe. He is barely able to extricate himself from the situation without being caught, and opts not to try again because it's too risky. What a fucking wuss. So, instead of risking absolutely anything at all, Pete exclaims "This coffee tastes like rhubarb!" as he leaves the cafe, very inconspicuous. He spends quite a while just waiting in the van while Chwoka doesn't pay attention to what happens.

Plan B begins. Damien scales the building successfully and sees the suicide note and on open email on the suicidal guy's computer. Turns out he was being extorted by some schmuck named Peter Marshall (sdegenko).

Meanwhile, Plan D is going swimmingly. Shodan is KILLING the interview portion and her falsified resume is sterling. Turns out Agatha Winters is world-famous for her pies and studying under her tutelage almost makes Shodan OVER-qualified. The interviewer watches, really admires, actually, as Shodan bakes a rhubarb pie. It looks good. The interviewer puts it to his nose. It smells good. He grabs a fork, puts a bite in his mouth...

KA-BOOOOOOM! Plan C is underway and all the entryways on the ground floor have just exploded. "That pie's got a hell of a kick!" says the interviewer. Harvestine runs in, oneshots a drone, and goes up several more flights of stairs before she finds another drone, which takes a kilo of explosive to the face after a flashbang grenade proves substandard. She finds one of the server rooms and rigs it with all the explosives she has, because TNT would never give her another centimeter of fuse rope if she didn't.

Another security drone hovers up, but then Damien pipes in over the commlink. "Hey, I found security central control. I turned off all the drones and cameras. Also, I found the admin password for the servers." Of course, Pete is a bit... busy to take advantage of this information, but we're going to have to double-back to catch that plotline as it dovetails. "Also, reinforcements are arriving in like, one minute, and there's nothing I can do about that, so we should get out of here." Harvestine sets the fuse for 90 seconds and makes her escape. We're QUICK dirty bastards, okay?

Okay, so meanwhile Pete's just chilling in his van when Peter Marshall walks up, sniper rifle in hand. "Hey, if you're here to shoot that guy on the 6th floor, he committed suicide this morning," is how Pete decides to initiate conversation. They make small talk, really hit it off. It's nice for Pete to know somebody who won't punch him in the face. Pete introduces Peter to his radio equipment. They turn the mic on and don't turn it off, this is important. The only social misstep is when Pete calls Ben Bernanke his "frenemy," which has never failed to make anyone listening cringe. Peter gives Pete some of his red mescaline, which is a great idea for a getaway driver, let me tell you. Shodan comes out, positively GLOWING from her successful job interview, and calls Pete the fuck OUT on his complete failure to do anything that could possibly be interpreted as helping with his own damn mission.

So, Pete and Peter go to try and help. Pete tries to climb the wall up to the 6th story, but because he's high and not too good at climbing anyway, he just ends up frantically humping the wall. It's still enough to rouse the suspicion of The Only Security Guard, who comes to investigate with his stun stick. Pete successfully dodges, while still maintaining his idiotic appearance by attempting to actually grab the stun stick and missing. Then the drugs REALLY kick in. The guard's got caterpillars for eyes and a delicious-looking fish in his hands. But Pete's not going to go after that fish with his bare mouth, he's going to grab some silverware. All he finds is a potato and a walrus. Luckily, Peter saves his ass with by tasing the guard from behind.

"Also, reinforcements are arriving in like, one minute, and there's nothing I can do about that, so we should get out of here," says Damien.

"WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE," says Pete, and then they do. Harvestine jumps on her moped, and everyone else piles into Pete's Rad Van. Pete throws his snake-arms around the steering wheel and we're off to the races.

PART 4: Don't bring an armored van to a grenade fight

THE PLAN? DITCH HARVESTINE. Harvestine's the only one who the two reinforcements, who arrive in armored vans, could connect to the crime. Harvestine is a liability and Pete is a mercenary asshole. Pete's Rad Van slips out unnoticed. The fatal flaw is that Harvestine apparently thinks we are a team and opts to follow us, and now we're in a car chase.

"Hey guys, shouldn't we go back for Harvestine?" says Damien. Out of sheer distaste for positive emotion, Pete orders Shodan throw Damien out the back of the van AT Harvestine, without a single word of explanation. Whatever happens from there is a positive outcome for Pete. What ends up happening is actually that Damien fucking STICKS THE LANDING onto the bike in sitting position, without Harvestine significantly altering her course or slowing down, and quickly switches to driving while Harvestine mans the grenade launcher. Or should I say... WO-mans the grenade launcher? (The women in this campaign are consistently awesome is what I am saying.) Harvestine launches ONE grenade under the first armored van and turns it into a burned-out husk. Harvestine's no longer a liability, now she's an asset.

Shodan gets to work on the second van with a grenade launcher of her own after Peter gets to snipe the dude in the passenger seat manning the gun cold in the face. Paranoia proceeds to have the luckiest dice in the whole world and for this whole section rolls nothing but 5s and 6s. So, Shodan fires like 9 grenades, rapid-fire, right into the gaping maw of a windshield. The driver's going down in flames, screaming "WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE GRENADE LAUNCHERS," when Shodan finally gets that perfect shot. The grenade goes right into his big dumb screaming mouth and his head blows up.

Pete opens the back doors of the van again, to let Harvestine in, Knight Rider style. To facilitate this, he ALSO pops a fucking wheelie, in a VAN.

Peter says, "hey, I think I hear something coming!"

Pete says, derisively, "YOU'RE HIGH!"

Then, like 200 bullets rain down from above on Pete's Rad Van. This little moment of irony has GOT to be amongst the highlights of the night for the people listening to Pete's radio station. Also amongst the highlights: when Pete's gearshift turned into a dick gun before his very eyes (his very high eyes) and he resolved to just stay in 5th gear from now on.

There's an attack helicopter coming after us now, or a Hella Lobster if you took mescaline earlier, and the pilots are piping in "Flight of the Bumblebees" through their external speakers because they know exactly what they are a part of here. Pete, high on adrenaline and red mescaline, decides to attempt a backflip off a pile of trash. All he ends up doing is a barrel roll, which is still really cool, but it's not what he was aiming for. The Hella Lobster pilot is fucking awestruck and switches over to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, which is crazy future-anachronistic but who GIVES a shit. Then everybody takes their turn firing fireballs, sniping, and launching grenades at the Hella Lobster from the surprisingly well-armored comfort of Pete's Rad Van.

Pete swerves off to the sidewalk, ramps off a homeless person, and does a FULL BACKFLIP while the machine gun fire from inside the van explodes the helicopter. The pilot's arm is immolated into a thumbs-up position, forever certifying Pete's van as truly rad.

Pete calls Ken and tells him the contract's been fulfilled in the coolest way he can. TNT, who we abandoned at a tall building next to the Lone Star branch, was filming the whole thing from the time the server rooms exploded to the end of it. It's going to get synced up with the audio from inside the van and go viral.

"You guys are pretty chill," says Peter.

SpoilerShow

*popcorn.gif*

and to think this is only Session one

If you'd like to see us play a game of Obama's America run live for your enjoyment, we'll start streaming the Skype call at 5 PM Pacific time, 7 Central, 8 Eastern. (that's in like 12 minutes.) Get on IRC in #QuickDirty on esper.net to participate in dicussionado.

SESSION ONE AFTERMATH

“…and the weather will continue to be warm and wet for the rest of the week. Back to you, Lydia.”

“Thanks Chris. Lonestar Security has just released an official announcement that they are redoubling their manned security presence in the wake of last night’s terrorist attack on their data storage facility. We have yet to hear if this new policy will affect the lawsuit recently filed against them by client Evocorp. Evocorp claims a vote of no confidence in Lonestar after their third consecutive security failure last night. PR officials report that while nothing was stolen from either their regional office or their shipping trucks, armed criminals still went virtually unimpeded on every occurrence. Evocorp has put out an additional bounty for a man going by Mr. Schnider or either of his metahuman accomplices. Any information that can bring these suspects in for questioning will be rewarded.

“As Lonestar is cleaning the streets of its ruined security forces, the streets of inner city Seattle seem to be cleaning themselves as the previous wargrounds of the Chromes and the Crones has suddenly gone silent. Police officials report that *-tzkzzz-*

“THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE”


Shodan receives: one(1) job offer as a Lonestar Café barista; one(1)MCT Fly-Spy

Harvestine receives: one(1) cyberarm, freshly harvested; two(2) pedestrian commlinks with ID; one(1) TNT-style explosion montage

Pete receives: one(1) vehicle armor plating r3; one(1) babysitter direborg; one(1) wicked drug trip; one(1) loaned SMG; one(1) low lifestyle roommate

Damien receives: one(1) incriminating blackmail evidence; one(1)additional bounty

Peter receives: four(4) new friends


Session Two aftermath will be posted after the session rewrite.

SESSION 2 SUMMARY

PART 1: Heard it through the Mescaline

THE QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS ARE DESPERATE FOR FUNDS, and for some reason they mob the most destitute member of the team, Pete November, for a solution to their problems. Damien Tanner is already searching through Pete's piles of figurative and probably-literal crap, under the mistaken belief that this is where shadowrun missions and their associated paychecks come from. Shodan is grilling Pete's ass on her employer, Ben Bernanke's behalf, for him to contribute even more of his practically-nonexistent earnings to the crippling debt the ghost hangs over him.

Peter Marshall prevents a fight breaking out by recalling an event that actually happened, namely, his dealer mentioning a potential job in a phonecall earlier today. Damien flicks Harvestine, his flatmate, a text for her to join them at supplied coordinates, for a job to the tune of 5,000 Nuyen. Each.

The employer is Magus Margery, leader of the mage gang the Crones. Her gang agreed on an alliance with a gang of cyberneticists and dire borgs, the Chromes, and the two groups intend to celebrate with a boxing tournament on Crone turf. The rise of splinter factions which oppose the alliance have raised the possibility of sabotage, and she's hired the Quick Dirty Bastards as guards and investigators to nip any unrest in the bud.

The four Bastards pile into Pete's Rad Van, and head to the school grounds which are the Crones' base of operations. Situated atop a powerful leyline, the Crones' base is a veritable Garden of Eden (by 2075 standards, anyway). Sure, the science lab is a swamp and the ecosystem wouldn't last a second in Seattle's choking atmosphere without the ambient magic to power the spellwork, but it's a nice touch.

Upon arrival, Damien promptly forgets they're supposed to be on guard duty and signs up for the boxing tournament. Some Chrome thugs laugh and tell him to prove he's worth a challenge, to which Damien punches clean through a wall. Bookie the Bookkeeper was apparently sequestered behind there, and is now in no position to run the gambling operations expected at a bout like this. Who will step up to the plate?

Not Pete, because he totally missed that plot hook. He makes up for it by being the only guy actually doing guard duty, as Shodan and Peter decide to head off and investigate a certain Redeker, leader of a splinter Chrome faction.

Harvestine finally checks her messages after a long morning mugging strangers and taking any teeth with cybernetics worth selling on. The 5,000 Nuyen reward proves tempting, and she makes tracks on her moped to the school.


PART 2: The Demolition Man and the Guy with no clue

HARVESTINE ARRIVES TO A TRULY WONDROUS SIGHT: an entire city block, completely overrun by nature! It's beautiful! Her inner wolf howls at the majesty! She promptly forgets she had a job to do, and gets to finding out how she can learn to bring some greenery to other parts of the city. The guards direct her to the science lab, but the auditorium beckons.

Within, Damien is already in his first match against a Dire Borg known as Terminator B. Damien's gone with The Demolition Man, a title Harvestine does not approve of when she's the resident demolitions expert. Her teeth-grinding is interrupted by the sight of Pete getting in amongst what looks to be schoolyard-level bullying of some frail little shrimp. Harvestine can't be sure she doesn't recognise him, but Pete's attempts to intimidate the bullies into leaving are so laughable she's gotta get in on the action. She throws a dude into a wall and tells the rest to find something better to do with their time, then attempts to brain an approaching Damien with her grenade launcher. Damien avoids it, Pete tries to persuade them again with an appeal to empathy along the lines of "how would you like it if someone was treating you this way", which for some ludicrous reason actually gets through to them.

The hapless victim is none other than Guy Peterson (Pharmacy), the formerly cyber-armed former Evocorp intern who Harvestine ran over with a moped. The Quick Dirty Bastards' casual use of his SIN got him in a heap of trouble, got him fired, and left him with nowhere to turn but a life of crime. So far, he's got no idea what he's doing. Damien offers to take him to a Crone healer or somesuch to patch him up. Guy starts making garbled staticky noises in lieu of real words, which was definitely not Pharmacy's microphone dying on the call. The healer diagnoses it as a possession, and orders 1000 ccs of anaesthetic like it's a regular occurrence round these parts.

Harvestine is bored to tears by this display of compassion, so she tries to get a better idea of where useful features of the auditorium are. Like the fusebox! A critical faceplant in an attempted leap of logic misdirects her to the mens' shower room, which has no fusebox and multiple Chrome trolls with various cybernetic enhancements. Harvestine is not entirely disgusted with this development and even finds a guy with a cybernetic rear end. A cybutt. A prosthetic posterior. Harvestine is lost in　thought and/or her reflection in said cybernetic-

"Excuse me, ma'am, but the fusebox isn't in my ass."

but basic social skills get the better of her and she goes looking for alternative cures for her boredom.

Damien wins yet another boxing match against yet another Dire Borg going by the name of Terminator. This one was Terminator A. Dire Borgs apparently suck at creative names. Damien hits the showers, noting that he'll just shower in his chameleon suit seeing as he never takes it off. Unzipping even the collar is said to release a miasma so foul it scars the astral plane, and Harvestine apparently refuses to let him take it off in the apartment either, because of the weapons-grade smell that is unsealed from its cyber-alloy prison. This may or may not be exaggeration for humourous effect, but the smell is definitely bad enough to assault the resident trolls, one of whom fights Damien one-on-one in a "stank fight". This apparently consists of fuming furiously at one another, trying to make your cloud of odor push into and break the other's. Fucked if I know.

At any rate, Damien loses this fight and is KO'd by the Chrome troll's BO. Him and others (including Guy Peterson are sent flying back and will probably be marinated in the smell of troll sweat for weeks to come. Ew.

PART 3: Peter and the wolf

MEANWHILE, IN LESS MALODOROUS HAPPENINGS, Peter and Shodan have hit up Redeker's apartment. The door is locked. The door is dealt a swift but ineffective beating by Shodan, who is mostly deadly because of her weaponry and not her noodly borg-arms. Peter solves this with a fireball spell instead, and the two get to searching. Peter's pretty freaked by the ominous auras enveloping the apartment, most of which are centered around the room at the end of a hallway. Shodan is detectiving the shit out of the entryway, when Peter gets a chestful of shot as he triggers a switch. Zoinks! The appropriate Bastardly response is to immolate+demolish the perp, so Shodan pumps the room full of frag grenades, which miss their mark but fill the air with feathers, courtesy of the king-sized duvet in the bedroom. A rapidly-blacking out Peter tosses a few more fireballs for good measure, which basically ignite the down-choked air and clear it enough for Shodan to finish off the horribly-burnt mage within. All threats eliminated and Peter eventually stabilised, our defective detectives find a crumpled note.

Jinkies! The nefarious Redeker was paid out by an Ominous Corporation to instigate a war between the newly-allied Crones and Chromes. The note offers no further clues, but Peter gains the attention of an astral eye that's been perving about the apartment, but leaves when the mage notices. The two pursue in Pete's Rad Van (without Pete's Rad Permission).

Harvestine, meanwhile, has not found an alternative cure for her boredom. She's kind of done a rubbish job at finding anything full stop, including the Science Lab. Pete catches up with her and asks her to quit slacking on the job. Harvestine retorts that the job sucks and she's more interested in learning how to do plant magic (to further her poorly-thought out goal of reclaiming Seattle "for the trees"), so could Pete just help her find the science lab. She'll even give him her 5,000 Nuyen share of the original job if he does it without being a little shit about it.

Pete is used to supported "friends" ditching him like this, although this is the first one's actually paid him to (temporarily) get out of their life. He leads Harv to the science lab, which is actually more of a science swamp. The door is mostly fungal growth by this stage. It's pretty gross but Harvestine's clapping her hands in delight so whatever. Inside is Ben the Wolf, Harvestine's Mentor Spirit who is a wolf. He's pretty concerned with the goings-on and walks through a wall, wanting Harvestine to follow him. Harvestine utterly misunderstands, wastes five minutes checking to see if the wall is solid, asking Ben aloud if she's also supposed to walk through it, and then asking if she's meant to blow a hole in it and walk through it.

Ben is getting Pretty Sick Of This so he sticks his spectral head through the shroom door instead. Harvestine finally gets the picture and pursues back through the school, eventually crossing paths with Shodan and Peter in Pete's Rad Van. It appears their final destination is the same - the ominous profile of Ominous Showdown Corporation's head office. Harvestine and Ben the wolf pile in and ride the rest of the way to Ominous Showdown Corporation in style.

Fred, Shaggy, Scooby and Shodan (who didn't really fit either of Velma or Daphne in this metaphor) head upstairs, where a single fax machine awaits them. Ben the Wolf is extremely agitated, Peter is transfixed on the floor tiles, and Shodan is relaying their findings to Magus Margery and requesting backup. Harvestine reads the printout on the fax machine. Some douchelord mockingly claims that it's too late, war will break out anew, the leyline shall be theirs, yadda yadda yadda. This all goes way over Harv's magically-uneducated head, until Peter explains that without the leyline all the plants will die, which promptly gets Harvestine's attention. She screams at Ben the Wolf to do something, but he has no idea how because he's just a wolf. Her histrionics are interrupted by either a dude with an SMG or a dwarf carrying a corgi climbing the stairs, depending on how many tabs of red mescaline you popped this morning. The unfortunate miscreant is hit with a flashbang, hit with a fireball, then kicked in the nads twice by Harvestine and Shodan. Shodan takes his SMG, and we sort of forget about him because Peter finally manages to explain what Ben the Wolf knew from the start: There's a whole lot of magical energy coming from the basement.

The trio head to the basement, and some clever endoscope usage by Peter reveals two armed guards right by the door, and a whole bunch of weird culty dudes "ommmmmmmmmm"ing in a circle　on the far side of the room. Harvestine and Shodan prepare grenades, Harv shooting a frag into the circle of chanting dudes and Shodan flashbanging the guards.

Peter's about to prepare a fireball, until Harvestine interrupts and claims he's not a real member of the Quick Dirty Bastards until he learns a thing or two about throwing grenades. Shodan and Peter's protests fall on deaf ears, and Harvestine quickly teaches Peter how to throw the flashbang she's given him. Harvestine's instructions are less than comprehensive, as she forgets to teach Peter to pull the pin out first. Shodan misses this mistake, getting too pumped to mess some dudes up, demonstrating that unsupervised teaching is another thing Harvestine is not allowed to do.

They spring into action! Shodan successfully blinds the guards, who start firing wildly. Harvestine successfully fires in the direction of the cultists, but her grenade bounces off thin air and explodes harmlessly. The cultists are unfazed and keep singing along. Peter successfully drops the grenade at his feet; Harvestine's inadequate teaching pays off. Somehow. Our two somewhat competent combatants enter and take out the guards, while Peter checks out the magical barrier. Harvestine slamming on it and roaring furiously finally attracts the attention of the head cultist, who leaves the circle and goads a very angry ork. He gloats that the Runners are too late, the cultists' plan cannot be stopped now, and the alliance will crumble. Harvestine asks if he could at least spare the plants, a fine litmus of our heroine's moral standards. Peter begins the counterspelling of the magical barrier. Shodan does her nails because she's willing to acknowledge when she can't do jack.

PART 4: Guy's sprites are indicative of a rather disturbing pscyhe

BACK IN THE AUDITORIUM, the Chromes all fall to the ground as one, their cybernetic devices wigging out something terrible. This doesn't last long as they all rise, hijacked through their cybernetics, and start beating the crap out of the startled Crones. Magus Margery, up in the commentator's box, is scrambling to lower the magical barrier she placed so her Crones can fight back, but the Chromes in the box are causing havoc and mauling her guards. Damien leaps through the mess of fighters and goes for the biggest, meanest bastard - Moss, leader of the Chromes. Damien's punches prove mostly ineffective against the brute, unwilling as our dubiously pacifistic character is to kill people. He does succeed in shock-gloving Moss' cyber-arms into unresponsiveness, though.

Nobody bothers with reasoning with the Chromes or trying to figure out why they started fighting, save for one Guy Peterson. His experience in cyberware proves invaluable, as he immediately recognises the mass hacking attempt. The Chromes are being digitally assaulted by cat videos! Guy gets his fellow hacker, Pete, up to speed, and immediately leaps into the digital arena where he is far more competent. His summons his five sprites: Windows Vista, ILOVEYOU, Storm Worm, Clippy, and RCA Studio, to assist in the fight. These deadly (and visually unsettling) code monsters do an admirable job, mowing through the horde of catsprites compromising the Chromes' devices. Guy does all this in the dwarf stripper outfit he wore after exiting the showers, which was allegedly the only item of clothing available to him in the shower room.

Pete, hiding out in the shower where he's been busy washing stankfight funk off his person, also joins the fight. He has no sprites, so instead signs on with his digital avatar, a desk lamp, and fights the sprites with that instead. His cybercombat skills are negligible, but he does at least distract a whole pile of them into attacking him instead. This whole scene is very stupid and rather hard to appreciate for the non-digitally inclined, so here's a picture:


sprite image credit to Pharmacy, natch

Peter, meanwhile, is furiously counterspelling the barrier with Harvestine's clumsy assistance. The poor girl doesn't actually know a lick of magic, so half the time she's just waving her arms ineffectually in an attempt to imitate Peter. Shodan's requested backup arrives; much to the Basement Bastards' collective despair it turns out to be hijacked Chrombies (which are like zombies but not). Shodan sees no moral distinction between a shambling corpse and a guy whose circuitry's been jacked, and launches a grenade into the throng descending the stairs. It stems the flow, but enough of them break through to flank her and damage her grenade launcher. An externally ever-emotionless but inwardly furious Shodan starts breaking faces. The barrier is still no closer to being lowered, and the head cultist's smug grin is just pissing Harvestine off even more.

Ben the Wolf is still no help. He's just a wolf!

PART 5: Catamari Damacy

HOW COULD THIS SITUATION BE ANY WORSE? asks Guy Peterson to himself. Clearly, the fact that for every one cat sprite he and his sprites destroy, three more cropping up is not registering as "situation awful". He imagines things could be worse if the sprites spontaneously combined into a sprite-voltron, which is fair enough. Things would be worse if the sprites spontaneously combined into a sprite-voltron.

The sprites do just that. The hijacked Chromes in the auditorium also do just that, coalescing into a Chrome-voltron. Damien again tries to punch his newfound problems away, but is instead assimilated by the heinous agglomeration of compromised Chromes. Peter is under the mistaken impression that all this catastrophising is meant to be a contest, and figures his situation could be worse if a bunch of violent, hijacked Chrome trolls burst into the shower room while he's being buried under a pile of catsprites in cyberspace.

The trolls do just that. Peter and Harvestine sort of save the day and Pete's naked ass by finally cracking the barrier. They don't even bother waiting to tear it down properly; Harvestine just launches a grenade through the first reasonable-sized hole, and Peter launches the biggest fireball he can.

The half of the room behind the magical barrier explodes into flame. Flames shoot out of the gaps in the magical wall, which creaks outward with the force of the explosion. It's pretty great, although Peter collapses from spell drain and doesn't really get to appreciate it. The Chromes all over the school and in the stairwell shut down immediately, the Chrome-voltron dissembling and releasing Damien, and the cybersprites disperse without a chanting circle of cultists to control them.

Shodan, Harvestine, and Peter escape the now-burning basement, which is starting to become a regular occurrence for Harvestine. Harvestine carries Peter back to Pete's Rad Van, and they just sort of leave all the unconscious Chromes there as they drive back to the school to claim their reward.

The auditorium is full of recovering Chromes, and Crones tending to the wounded on both sides. Magus Margery thanks the Quick Dirty Bastards for stopping the rebels' plans, even if the cost of doing so was higher than ideal. Damien's the only one who gives a shit about who won the aborted boxing tournament; the rest of the team's more interested in their reward. Pete (still naked), Peter, Damien, Shodan and Harvestine get their 5,000 Nuyen paycheck on credsticks, and Pete even bothers to give Harvestine her share back. Harv cements their teamfriendliness with a 1,000 Nuyen cut to Pete (still naked), probably because she likes having him owe her one or something. Margery formally invites Damien the Adept to train with the Crones, and Harvestine wrangles herself an invite to learn magic for her and Peter. Guy tries to join the Crones as well, and when that falls on deaf ears he tries to join the Chromes. Dude's really keen to get in amongst the thug life. Pete (still naked) introduces Guy to the team, giving his assurance that he'll be a valuable addition.

Guy does not exactly cut an imposing figure, between the dwarf stripper outfit, pathetic nerd physique, missing arm, and air of desperation. "Who the fuck is this guy," Harvestine asks. She's sceptical at best as to his usefulness, but can't really stop Pete from giving him a ride home considering it's his van, and he did just give her 5,000 Nuyen out of actual genuine kindness. Even if it was hers in the first place.

The Quick Dirty Bastards drive past the now-fully-burning Ominous Showdowns Corporation building on the way home, ignoring Damien's protests to save whoever was left unconscious/incapacitated within.

Damien presumably washes his suit at some point. Pete ostensibly puts some clothes on. Guy is dropped off home and tells his mother all about his day. Harvestine takes Peter on a demolitions date with TNT wingmanning, to blow up the remnants of Ominous Showdown Corporation. Shodan goes back to her day job at the Lone Star Cafe.

spinoff idea: quick dirty babies

SESSION TWO AFTERMATH

SpoilerShow

From the Swamp Desk of Magus Margery,

Once again I’d like to extend my thanks for taking care of Redeker’s sabotage. Were it not for your efforts, we would’ve lost too many men to defend against Renraku’s PMC. As things stand now, we are at peace, the borders of our turf are protected, and the leyline is safe. It saddens me to learn that Redeker would’ve rather wanted this healing place destroyed than to share it with the Chromes, but it does not surprise me.

Speaking of, when we finally extinguished your handiwork, we counted bodies and came up shorter than your testimony. We’re still identifying the bodies, but even if Redeker escaped, it’ll be a long time before he can gather enough power to attack us again.

You proved yourselves competent and loyal during the attack, and I’d like to offer you more opportunities to work with us in the future. There’s a couple assignments coming up if you’re interested. Oh, and that technomancer of yours is a little green; try to teach him the ropes if you can.

Karma:

For surviving the assault on Greenwood High, and for arguably completing the mission: Pharms, Schazer, Chwoka, Scott, Para and Felix receive 2 Karma.

For the Mission Over Money, and Making New Friends, Chwoka gets 2 more Karma.

For having Eyes Enough for All of Us, Eventually Following the Clues, and Outsmarting the GM, Scott rings up 3 extra Karma.

For Saving the Squishy Mage, Keeping Everyone up to Speed, and Sticking to your Guns, Paranoia strolls away with 3 more Karma.

For Getting in Touch with your Spiritual Side, taking a Personal Interest in the client, and Teaching an Old Mage New Tricks, Schazer takes home 3 bonus Karma.

For Entering the Ring, Defeating Hygiene, and Picking Your Battles, Felix drums up 3 phat Karmas.

For Keeping the Streak Alive, Being the Badass, and Murdering All the Cats, Pharms chokes down another 3 Karma.


Swag:

Damien, Harvestine, Peter all acquire honorary Crone Membership.

Guy acquires probationary Crone Membership, New Friends and A Ride Home.

Shodan loots a spare HK MP5 TX + one clip.

Pete’s debt is down to 35,000 with 3,500 due in three weeks.

Damien, Peter and Shodan get 5,000 nuyen, Harvestine 4,000, Pete 1,000, Guy 0.

Harvestine gains a connection with Ben the Wolf.

CYBERINTERROGATION, WITH PETE AND PETEST

"Knock knock!" said Guy Peterson.

"Who... who's there?" said a locked folder, sweating profusely. Pete was turning the air conditioning up to create exactly this result. Also, to compound it, he had brought a virtual boombox and loaded a digicassette of C+C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat into it.

"What's the password?" said Guy.

"What's the password... who?" said the folder.

"Who!" said Petest, to no response. "Well, that's not the password. You're up, Pete."

Pete cyberslapped the bare virtua-lightbulb in the center of the concrete bunker they called an interrogation room. He turned a digital wooden chair around backwards and sat in it, staring across the table at the locked folder, also sitting backwards in a chair, but only because it was tied to the chair like that. Already he was sweating. Even without an iron cybermaiden like he had requested, Pete still had a few tricks up his sleeves. Like the air conditioning. The air conditioning in his sleeves.

Pete cyberslapped the folder. "WHERE'D YOU BURY THE PASSWORD, YOU BASTARD?!"

Guy is all like, "Don't do that! That only happens in crime dramas! It's immoral and ineffective! Wah wah wah wah!"

Pete cyberslapped Guy. "I'M CRAZY NUTSO, I'LL EVEN SLAP THIS GUY WHO I LIKE. DO YOU WANT ON MY BAD SIDE?! DO YA, PUNK?!"

"N-no!" virtua-stammered the locked folder. "I-I-I-I buried it in the digiforest, in a cybershallow virtua-grave, under some digitwigs and cyberleaves, but I don't remember exactly virtua-where!"

Pete cyberspat in the folder's face. It was the closest he could get to virtual waterboarding in this podunk rural virtua-town. "Send out the sprite squandron, Petest. We're gonna check every shallow grave in the area," Pete said, without stammering. Petest and Pete turned to leave. Just before he walked through the door, though, Pete turned around, said, "oh, just one more question," and then he just cold shot the folder in the fucking face and left.

spinoff idea: the same quick dirty bastards, but instead of committing crimes, they run a newspaper. an INTERNET newspaper, that is. lydia (the newscaster) is head editor, peter's head writer, damien gets out there and pounds the concrete, harv does op-ed, petest is the coffee intern with room for upward mobility, shodan is the printing press.

SESSION 3 SUMMARY

Part 1: BOATQUEST:

SpoilerShow

THE QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS STRIKE ONCE AGAIN with yet another mission from Magus Margery. Mission: to track a convoy three cars – one which may or may not contain a plot device. Needless to say, all three are going to Aztech, Which Is Bad (but only for Margery).

Of course, it's up to the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS and of course, everyone bails in. Because they are bastards. And some more. Pete November because of buckaroos. Harvestine because of magicks. Peter Marshall because rent (and has no friends). Inspector Damien because someone told him so. Guy Peterson because come on, he's Guy. Shodan comes along because someone has to play babysitter and Damien sure as hell can't.

ANYWAY, they go to the Bridge and proceed to set up perimeters. And then they proceed to set up fold-out chairs to set up some STRATEGY. Despite everything, they make halfway decent plans; most of them ending up in massive property damage and broken lives. Pete finds everyone else's plan to be lacking in the spirit of Quick Dirty Bastardry and brings up HIS plan. Which is essentially having Damien ramp off a skyscaper (and some hobos) on Harvestine's moped, hopefully smashing into the vans. Of course, there might be a possibility of a messy and painful death but come on, that is so AWESOME.

Everyone else balks at this kamikrazy stunt, especially Damien and especially Harvestine. Pete attempts to ply with a Leadership check and succeeds magnificently. Unfortunately, the two cruxes of this plan decided they had better ideas. Peter teams up with Harvestine because Harvestine is his apprentice and Peter has the constitution of tissue paper. Damien buys Guy's loyalty with ice cream. Pete is annoyed-confused, why no one wants to help him on this bodacious plan. Shodan is either in a coma or confused.

So Pete decides he might as well execute the plan himself even if he become eventually becomes Pete Pancake. He hops into his Rad Van and drives right into alleyway, where he was enmassed by window-cleaning hobos. Pete attempts to bribe the said hobos with some job-internship-whatever proposal, which didn't work out too well so Pete offered Reese's Pieces instead because Yay! Candy! Six were won over and each got a free bag from Cyber-Walmart. The rest presumably festered in candy-jealousy. Pete with the hobo team comes back to the group and asks Peter bring everything to the top.

Peter looks at him like, “okay, I suppose this is your funeral.”

Pete looks at him like, “well if I die, I'll become a ghost and haunt the SHIT OUT OF YOU.”

Peter rolls his eyes and levitates Pete, the hobos, and Harvestine's moped to the closest death spire he could find (which is fortunately the closest one to the bridge). Once eighty stories above sea level, Pete turns to the hobos and tells them to fall asleep “for synergy reasons” and if that reason wasn't bullshit enough, he also sings a lullaby – just in case. The six hobos are like “okie dokie!” and proceed to rest their gullible hobo-heads on the (relatively) ground. It helped helped that one of the hobos was a professional napper. Yeah, the job market got super-niche in 2072, but hey, Pete can't complain.

Meanwhile, TEAM MAGICKS (Harvestine and Peter) head to the docks to buy a boat. Both with the same goal but both with differing means. Harvestine wants to mug for it. Peter wants to get it by less violent means. Both strategies involve touching hands with the sailors but Harvestine ain't touching nobody! She spits into an spittoon to prove her point. The container rings and gives her SO MANY POINTS. HIGH SCORE WOOOO. A display flickers above the pot, Harvestine enters her initials (HARV) into the table, immortalizing her as a truly strong and truly independent ork lady. Her prowess had attracted a league of mighty impressed sailors. Being Harvestine, the first thing she says “I want a harpoon.” One of sailor wiggles his eyebrows. “For what,” he said huskily. “To spear things,” she says, oblivious to the fact that another sailor decided to grab at his own crotch.

Peter may be super high but he is super-perceptive. There was something particularly strange about the sailors. Their chest hairs were unnaturally permed, some were shaved into sea serpents, missiles and other phallic-looking thalassic imagery. They smelled like cologne and salt – but not just ocean salt. Pockets stuffed with handkerchiefs of every shade and rainbow. They wore a bit too much jewelry for an average sea-dog. Their boat-hats were wore in a way that would be deemed coy. They wore too tight pants. Too tight shirts. All ripped in strategically exposed places. Peter swore some of them were wearing garter belts. Some were even wearing eyeshadow and lipstick...

“Oh shit,” Peter wished he had took more red mescaline.

“Oh yes,” Fisherman (Prostitute) Steve grinned. He also slowly licked his lips. Peter threw up a little in his mouth.

A nearby burly courtesan flexes his arm, flashing off his tattoo reading “THE THUG LIFE CHOSE--” the rest was bitten off by an unusually large Devil Shark. But what was it? What did the thug life choose? Why is this question so important to him? Why Peter can't stop thinking about it.

We are in a brothel. Peter screamed externally, except internally. A goddamn brothel.

Part 2: It's just like one of my video games!

SpoilerShow

SOMEWHERE IN SEATTLE, TEAM SCIENCE – Damien (cookie dough), Guy (rainbow sherbert), Shodan (I. DIDN'T. HAD. ANY. ICE. CREAM. YOU. FUCKERS.) – waltz to the bridge. Teamwork reveals that the bridge is easily hackable and is guarded by security guards. The security guards are poor numbered, poorly trained, and poorly experienced – so basically Guy with less bladder control. Guy finds the narrator's comparison to be insulting. ANYWAY, the bridge goes up. The convoy is hella-confused.

Damien goes on the bridge, I don't know how but I bet there was crazy Kamen Rider shit. He manages to picks out the three vans, despite the Quick Dirty Bastards having no prior knowledge of what the goddamn vehicles looks like. Regardless, there is Van A, Van B, and Van C. Damien decides C is his favorite letter today and loots the shit out of it except BAM. NINJA. Needless to say, the Bastardly adept found himself in a rather unsuccessful but incredibly anime fist fight with a fast little fuck. In a van. Somewhere in Not-Seattle, Robot Hideo Kojima is writing this idea down for his next game. Nearby, Shodan zones out. Guy plays Tetris, inadvertently causes a traffic jam in the middle lane as the pieces correlated to real cars and Guy really sucks at Tetris. Guy tries to reverse the damage and fails astoundingly in his Data Check. The screen pops up with porn.

Van porn.

Small vans. Large vans. Medium vans. Lusty, lusty vans. Volkswagens for the cheap. Mercedes Benz for the more discerning tastes. From black to brown, white to flaming decals. Wide vans. Skinny vans. Minivans. Megavans. Van Mans. Megamans. Vans of every shape and color and model and fetish. This isn't just sex in a van. No, it is sex with a van. Human. Elf. Dwarf. Ork. Midget. One metahuman often accompanied the van, engaging in pursuits that were explicit and definitely not driving at all. A vast majority of them were middle-aged males. A vast majority of penises. Penises in thrusters, exhaust pipes. Windshield wipers. Penises. Hyperrealistic. Hyperelastic. Hypereverywhere. Penises. Penises. Penises. Guy proceeded to get ill and vomit his stomach's contents. The resulting rainbow-puddle turned into a dick-shape because reality hates him.

Back at TEAM MAGICKS, Harvestine catches wind of Peter's realization and immediately laughs at his expense. Peter throws up a little out of spite and tries to ply for the boat. He fucks up his entire persuasion because hey, you can't have spell Quick Dirty Bastards without mistakes. Apparently, “renting the boat” was sailor-lingo for “sexytimes.” So was “buying the boat” and “I can still have your harpoon, right.” Peter starts to sweat, because the sailors were the sharks, and he was their dinner, and they were totally going to eat him out if he didn't pull something fast.

“It's only two-fifty,” Fisherman Steve purred. His sultry baritone was like two whales making out.

“I...” Peter was trying not to get acid reflux again. “I have a confession to make.”

Steve pulls a clove cigarette from behind his left ear and lit it up. “Go on.”

“I like boats.”

“We all do, darling.”

“No, I mean. I really love boats.”

Peter proceeds to march to decorative boat sculpture that embellished the centre of the brothel. He scales around the watercraft because he did not have enough maritime knowledge to know which end is which. After finding the right end (the behind end), he proceeds to make apathetic humping gestures towards it. He glances at Steve sheepishly.

“I fucking love boats.”

Fisherman Steve rolls his eyes because he ain't fishing for dicks tonight and for some goddamn reason, his boat gets more tail than him. Still, money was money and apparently, vechicular porn was the haute couture of fetishes in 2072. He pouts (seductively) and sighs.

“That'll be one-fifty.”

So Peter gets the boat on the assumption he will fuck it up. Harvestine joins along on the presumption she gets boat-boners from Peter boning (although in reality, she wanted to laugh at him some more). Steve drives the boat sorrowfully because he getting no love tonight. Harvestine was then like OH SHIT, WE FORGOT THE HARPOON and then she found one.

“Yay! Harpoon!” Harvestine held it up all Lion King-style. Peter did his best to ignore her.

They sailed off unimpeded by buxom sirens and stripper sharks – though Harvestine kept on making awful sex-boat puns much to the chagrin of Peter. They arrive at the bridge, which was currently suspended thanks to TEAM SCIENCE. Peter is like hmm, what should we do. Harvestine is like HARPOOOOOOOOOOON and then she fires it off.

The pointy end sticks onto the bottom of the bridge – which was intentional. However, the cable of the harpoon wrapped around Harvestine's leg – which was unintentional. She flies through three hundred kilometers into the air and some more because this is the FUTURE, thus this is a FUTURE HARPOON so it goes FUTURE FAR. Anyway, the ork finds herself suspended from the bridge – which was embarrassing, but also kind of awesome.

As Peter was on drugs, he swore Harvestine was kidnapped by snakes. Damn snakes.

She does not go noticed as Guy is like OH NOES, WE NEED TO HELP HER because aiding Damien through hacked car controls was getting kind of boring and we all know he's at least ten years behind maturity-wise. Shodan was like, yeah, whatever. They go to Hover-stine and suddenly realize Guy has a strength of one. Shodan has a strength of two. A combined strength of three wasn't enough to lift up Harvestine's fat ork butt. This is why you shouldn't optimize your characters, guys. Fortunately, they logic out they just need to free-fall the bridge. So Guy just does that.

“I'M HELPING!” Guy squees.

“RWARRRRGGHHHHHWARGH,” Harvestine garbled. It was hard to words when you are falling.

Harvestine makes angry vulgar hand gestures to spite Guy. Guy wasn't paying too much attention because he was trying to high-five himself except he only had one hand, so he high-fived his face instead. Shodan actually helps because she has common sense and also because she caught Harvestine's hand in time. She lifts up Harvestine with the Peter's aid. Peter flips a fingers at gravity and joins them via levitation. They gave each other high-fives in victory and presumably had a barbeque over the remaining trash bags.

The bridge also crushes their escape boat – much to the chagrin of Fisherman Steve. Steve spews a couple of salty swears as the bridge goes back to its original position and some more. Because Guy sucks at video games.

“So we have me. Shodan. Peter. Petest,” Harvestine counts. “Damien, I guess.”

“WHERES. PETE.” Shodan asks.

Guy and Harvestine's electronic-text-thingys go bee-a-deep.

“hi guys. see the moped?” the message reads. “look up.”

“Pete has a moped?” Guy asks.

Harvestine realizes that it was her moped in question. “Why that son of a bi--”

Enter the Pete. Text messager in one hand. Devil horns gesture in the other. Dramatically appropriate light behind him and casting his disco suit (two-sizes too big) – a shade of blinding white. His expression on his face was of disappointment he wasn't naked when he decided to spit in the face of death and kick his nads for good measure. He was also disappointed that Shodan forced him to wear a suit a gunpoint during the beginning of the campaign. His stunt did not go unnoticed by the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS. Peter magic-braces for impact because he realizes Pete was stupid. Guy was awed. Shodan gave it three-out-of-ten. Damien lost the ninja and inexplicably lost his shirt for some reason. Harvestine was like MY BIKE MY FUCKING BIKE YOU ASSH--.

SMASH. Pete totals the rear-van of the convoy. He also totals the moped. However, he did not total himself as he was still in one piece and not in pieces.In acknowledgment of how ridiculous the stunt was, all the nearby windows exploded out of respect (or a delayed shockwave, or divine decree). A nearby flock of cyborg birds (cybirds) spontaneously combusted too. Even with Peter's levitation aid, he was pretty damn amazing he survived but even more damn amazing that he could still drive the moped. He mostly drove it out of spite because he drove the piece of shit to Harvestine.

“Hello, everyone.” Pete said as though that stunt was basically breathing for him. He turned to the ork. “Here's your moped, by the way.”

Pete hands over the moped. The moped comically crumples into a pile of useless techno-parts. It takes all of Harvestine's will to not strangle him on the spot and use his body as fertilizer.

“Next time,” Peter glared. “There will be no levitation.”

(In less humorous circumstances, the crushed corpses bake forlornly on a rooftop of a sunlit skyscraper. In their wretched hobo-hands, fingers clutched at bags of Reese's Pieces. A receipt flew away – an errant wind revealing the bags were bought only minutes ago. Rest in piece. Rest in pieces. Donovan. Murphy. O'Burke. Carlos. Boris. Isaac – the professional who died doing what he loved. You shall be remembered.)

ANYWAY, the members were now back into the team. The QUICK DIRTY BASTARD TEAM. Guy is useless. Pete observes. Shodan remembers she needs to fill up her daily rage quota, proceeding to rip a van-door and beat the driver into a pulpy mess. Coincidentally, the driver is named Kirk. T. Pulp and the thematics only encouraged him the scream louder. Peter fireballs the shit out of two trashbags. The trash bags were in fact, people and they went screaming and pissing down to their deaths. Leaving an unslightly yellow stain in the ocean. One stupid guard decides a death-cyborg was an easy target and made advances. Harvestine melts his face with a flashbang.

Incidentally, the man is named Michael Melt. The irony was enough to make him sob even more.

With most guards are either demoralized, dead, or face down in their own piss, the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS proceed to loot the shit out of the vans. Damien steals a man's uniform and a gun because reasons. Harvestine and Peter pops another van, finding an illegal amount of magical plants, inducing them into happy seizures. Peter remembers they had a plot device to search for and attempts to ping it, inexplicably settling off all the astral beacons. This makes the end of the Tetris blockade shine like a pretty rainbow. Shodan and Guy saunter over to the last van because it wasn't opened.

There was a dude with a smile on his face and a totem in his pocket. His name was Jeremy Jerome - better known as JJ to the more cooler code-cats.

“Oh hey. Are you hackers?” JJ smiled. “Do you do games?”

Part 3: JJ, you cray cray

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BECAUSE HE HACKED THE FUCKING VAN AWAY. JJ pops a wheelie off the bridge. JJ even pops his head out just too see the looks on their faces. However, the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS don't like it when npcs leave them behind like idiots. Damien likes to play hero and jumps in for the ride. Unfortunately, JJ doesn't play nice because he borked the brakes. Inspector Damien is now in total lack of control of this situation. Pete drives in the plant-a-van taking along Peter;Harvestine is in the back because ooh, magic plants. Shodan gives chase in another van. Guy goes with Shodan, feeling absolutely dirty when he goes in through the back-end of the vehicle.

ANYWAY, there was a car chase. It was probably wild and rad (especially with Pete's RADNESS) and had a million hobo-casualties. I am pretty sure an old lady got ran over along the way, plus a couple of raccoons and traffic cones. Basically, a scene suitable for an action-thriller blockbuster filmed in high-definition and like all action-thrilled blockbusters, there was obligatory one-sided banter.

“haha. u guys r pretty cute :) for a buncha losers” JJ texts as he somehow dodges Damien's exploding fists. He also makes the text in blinding rainbow because he is obnoxious and secretly fourteen years old on the inside.

No one replies because no one was undignified enough to do that.

“i guess ur just shy :)”

A couple seconds pass.

“or know u made a big mistake :)”

Nothing.

“maybe u R a mistake. are u born on a highway because thats when most mistak”

Annnnnnd JJ accidentally smashes into a building. See this is why you shouldn't text while you drive. JJ admonishes himself for not following basic traffic etiquette and scrams into the building like a dork. Damien, Shodan, and Harvestine (with a comically large sack of wizard-plants over her shoulder) give chase but not before getting almost ran over by Pete and his RAD disregard for pedestrians. Guy sends out his only drone and proceeds to go into a coma because the player had to leave for a couple of minutes. Peter marches back, grabs Harvestine's moped, and places it into Pete's Rad Van because he is the only considerate member in the party.

JJ goes to floor 404 to lose them. Shodan, Harvestine, and Damien to floor 404 to catch him. The pursuit is simply too arduous to put into words but I can assure you it was incredibly action-packed and full of dead bystanders. Harvestine has to slow down because IKEA furniture was too durable to destroy and there was GODDAMN TOO MANY OF THEM. Damien has enough of JJ's fast little feet and BODY TACKLES THE SHIT OUT OF HIM and its THROUGH A GODDAMN WINDOW and INTO ANOTHER BUILDING. He breaks JJ's robot-arm and breaks his spirits because Damien is using his body as a surfboard.

“HA! I'm awesome!” Damien declares to JJ because he wanted to rub it in his stupid hacker face.

“NO YOU AREN'T.” JJ manages to scream despite being buffeted by debris and dead rats.

“You are my surfboard,” Damien points out. “You have no reason.”

“Well,” JJ growls. “Reason THIS.”

And then JJ proceeds to stick a taser into Damien's adepticles and leaving him to deal with his thunderballs. Shodan realizes Damien was probably in danger and while she still doesn't care about him, she proceeds to JUMP THE HELL OUT OF THE WINDOW, ACROSS THE CHASM OF DEATH, and INTO THE BUILDING. Damien would be wowed except his eyes were watering. Harvestine catches up and decides to celebrate by tossing a grenade.

BOOM. The grenade was for JJ but there could be good reasoning that it may be for Damien too. The building was in flames – a conflagration concentration. Fortunately, the building with Feng Shui in mind. While Feng Shui may be decreed as superstitious bullshit, Feng Shui is in fact the Shadowrun version of OSHA code for ghosts. It's spiritual, you see. Needless to say, Damien was unscathed. Shodan was unimpressed. Guy was still in a coma.

But cantonia was getting too boring for him. So, he decides to stop being an useless piece of technomancer shit and actually contribute to the goddamn mission. He attempts to search for JJ's whereabouts. He ends up with JJ's email address instead, which really frustrates him and he was honestly looking forward to psychologically scar someone. Instead of, you know, actually searching for an address, he complies all the van porn he could find, sticks in a few pictures of kittens, and send the entire damn thing to JJ.

JJ pops back with a loving puppy-boat porn combo. Guy is incensed because goddammit JJ was copying his style. He sends back plane porn – and a couple of extra parakeets to boot. JJ sends back planes with parakeet porn, and Mickey Mouse for some reason. Eventually, Guy gets upset in this very mature battle for very mature kids and proceeds to seek out JJ's host servers for porn. He complies every of JJ's van, plane, train, and boat porn, stud it with pictures of rainbows and unicorns and other Lisa Frank abominations, and sends it back to JJ. To rub it in, Guy also systematically wipes out every trace of porn from JJ's servers. His sprites were too happy to oblige.

Suddenly, Guy gets a friend request from JJ. For some reason, he accepts.

“hey!!! :)” The message blinks.

“Hello.” Despite every fiber of his being telling him otherwise, Guy replies.

“hey bro u know what happened to all my porn? :o”

“Uhm.” Guy tapped out. “They went on vacation.”

“ohhhhh okay, oh well i guess i better lock them better in the basement next time. :)”

Guy felt incredibly shamed that he was sharing his contact information with this guy.

IN MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS, Shodan drags Damien out of the burning building. Peter's astral senses ping the artifact to be underground. Shodan drags Peter into the maintenance tunnel to search. Harvestine does the most sensible thing and proceeds to rip the shit out of the nearest manhole. Guy gets weirded out by all this violence against public property and joins with Pete in his Rad Van, listening to Barry White and other old-timey records. Harvestine thinks Guy has no taste. Anyway, the manhole gets opened and Harvestine goes in like Batman (but an Ork) because nothing is more closer to nature than a literal shit-tunnel.

Sewerlines of 2072 are like sewerlines of 2013 in that they were consistently caked with filth and other wonderful organic things. As far as Harvestine's eyes could see, the sewers went on infinity and shit-finity. Harvestine considers getting out before she dies of poo-gas-poisoning. On the other hand, she knows the totem was super important and HOLY SHIT MOLE PEOPLE.

“Holy shit!” Harvestine was giddy. “I thought they only existed in terrible B-movies!”

“Scree,” the mole people replied despite the fact they are actually just oversized Devil Rats. Also for some reason, they wore top hats, monocles and other pleasantly outdated Victorian-wear. It would be cute except it was kind of terrifying.

“I come in peace,” Harvestine dramatically waves her arm around. She also gives them food because no one told her it was bad to feed wild and possibly rabies-infected critters.

“Scree. Scree. Scree.” They accept her food out of politeness and proceed to nibble on her arms too. Talking about biting the hand that feeds you.

“You guys are eating my arm.”

“Scree.”

“Are you even playing attention to me?”

“Scree.”

“Okay, then.”

Harvestine uses a dapper-looking Mole Person as a flail to knock back the masses. She scurries out and tosses in a grenade because grenades always make everything better. The manhole belches out a particularly foul smelling cloud of mole-chunks, mole-fur, and moleskin gloves – ending her search here. Disheartened by the lack of fulfillment for her latent megalomania, she goes back to the Rad Van with the other people.

“I guess we lost the artifact.” Peter shrugged.

“I am sure it'll turn up somewhere.” Pete glared.

“BULLSHIT,” Shodan rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, Guy's text-message thing beep-a-boops. He takes it out with his only arm left.

“wts: magical doohickey 50K. malware market, 6PM. i c guns i run. :)"

It takes all of Harvestine's willpower not to rip out Guy's remaining good arm out of the socket. The rest of the Quick Dirty Bastards take turns to invent increasingly offending swear-words for the situation they fucked themselves into.

Part 4: Shake your Moneymaker

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BUT FIRST SOME COFFEE because was appropriate for this situation and also Shodan needed to work her barista shift anyway. They all join up in Lone Star Cafe (except for Damien, who fell asleep and got thrown out of the Rad Van for some reason). Everyone proceeded to fire off money-making ideas of increasing ridiculousness and implausibility. “We should mug the SHIT out of people,” Harvestine says. “That will only land us into more trouble!” everyone else was like. “We could steal it from some corporation, maybe?” Peter offered. “NO. THAT'S BAD,” Damien would decry, except he is face-flat in the asphalt. Guy wants to join in on the planning “May we can torrent cash!”

“That only works for Japanese cartoons,” Harvestine rolls her eyes. “Also you have no friends.”

Shodan interrupts Guy's sniffles with “MAYBE. GET. A. JOB.” Pete was like “NO. This is the cyberpunk future and in the cyberpunk future of Obama's America, we don't have jobs, we get money in the most counter-intuitive and convoluted way possible” but secretly, he admits she has a point and he was kind of desperate for ideas so he attempts to get a job in the Lone Star Cafe. His plan was to con the middle management out of his job because hey, they ARE in the cyberpunk future and they had to do it the cyberpunk way.

“Yeah, no,” the target replies. Pete fails. Guy with not an ounce of originality attempts to regain his self-perceived coolness by copying what Pete does but a bit differently. He instead uses his personal life as an impromptu resume, attempting to ply the manager's heart into giving up his job out of pity.

“In grade school, I was bullied constantly. There were actually criminal gangs and some forced me to do homework at gunpoint. If I do an okay job, they only beat me up once. If I do a stellar job, they only peed in my lunch. Sometimes they like me because they give me a dead rat. A lot of gangs like me, which was why my locker was full of dead rats. It smelled bad.” Guy stared forlornly. “Really, really bad.”

The manager was moved to tears of pity and confusion because he gave Guy a free coupon to psychiatric help and told him to get the hell out before his bad elf mojo spread to him. Guy pouts and sulks away, inadvertently causing a small fire in the kitchen. Shodan manages to stomps it out because the fire was obviously an allegory for Guy.

Shodan sighs because she knows sooner or later, she has to pool in for the plot-device ransom. She decides to intimidate the shit out of every customer (“TIP. OR. DIE.”), leaving behind a scrawny 340 nuyen, broken windows, and metahuman-shape holes in the walls. She turns to the middle manager and intimidates the shit out of him. The result was Lone Star definitely need a new manager. And a new wall too.

Pete finds all this monetary increases to be kind of boring. He remembers he still kind of hated Damien for no particular reason other than his stupid face and decided the adept needed to be punished. Pete proceeds to go where they last dropped off Damien. Damien was still in his chameleon suit. Pete decided to hack his chameleon suit.

After a few anatomically distorting postures (it was good thing Damien was super flexible otherwise he would be dead of accidental spinal injury), all of Damien was under Pete's remote control. Pete had to stop snorting from laughter as he forced Damien to violently hip-thrust, cartwheel, and twerk into the streets. The vulgar postures were definitely hilarious, but its amusement was incredibly short-lived and Damien didn't deserve the energy of Pete's thumbs. Out of reasons of laziness and spite, Pete decided to rig the controls of Damien's suit into the electronics Rad Van. For Rad reasons.

It was a shocking phenomena that day for the neighbors as Damien flumped on the asphalt and wriggled away, making car noises for some reason.

Damien putters to the employment parking of Damien's workplace and stands up violently, because Pete remembered Damien was a person not his Rad Van. Damien attempts to climb up the stairs like eight times (because he fell down eight times, stairs are barely car-friendly) much to the amusement of bygoers. He slams his face into the glass before the automated door decides to take pity on him, letting him into his daily job as a reverse stripper.

What is a reverse stripper? You may ask. Like most corporations surviving to 2072, Goodwill had been constantly expanding on discerning tastes for the sake of customer satisfaction and profit. This includes markets of the more risque because this was cyberpunk. You cannot spell “future” without “sexual frustration.” They initially started with vanilla – hookers, pornography, oddly shaped animal dildos, the works – but then metahumanity emerged. So they had to get a little exotic with what turns people on – even with the inventions of BTLs. Genitalia-shaped pastries. Ghost spatulas. LSD-laced condoms. Reverse strippers was just the cherry on the top.

Basically, a reverse-stripper was like a vanilla stripper – expect instead of taking off their own clothes, they take other people's off. Apparently, this gets people bothered and hot – scientists are still baffled why it hits a lot of people's erotic spots. Reverse-stripping also acts as Goodwill's donation process. Stripped clothes are never given back because they are given to charity. Not that people are complaining, of course.

“Are you...okay?” A fellow reverse-stripper asked Damien. “You look a little...rad.”

“Yes, I am okay.” Damien-except-actually-Pete replied. It was pretty amazing he was speaking and snoring at the same time. “Do I look okay to you?” Damien slaps his co-workers face in a sort of dead-fish manner to prove his point. His hands were cold and clammy.

“Okaaaaaay? I suppose?” The intruding fellow scuttled away before he could catch the crazy from Damien.

“Yes. Good.” Damien-but-not declared as he decided to slap himself in the face. He decides that it would be beneficial for the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS if they took Damien's contribution with his permission. And who needs permission anyway? All for the team, right? Anyway, Damien sort of goose-steps to his boss, a chunky flabby man who was looking at him with concerned confusion.

“Damien...are you alright?” The boss asked. His nametag said Billy Blanc. It was sort of ironic.

“I need my paycheck,” Damien speaks, also he was drooling a little. “Now.”

“Uh, why?” Blanc the boss questioned. “You usually are okay with picking up pay at the end of month.”

“Economy's bad.” Pete silently curses Damien's goody-two-shoes because he had to pull an excuse out of his ass. “Insurance's rate going up. I need to fork over the payment – now. It's kind of urgent because” he made a weird microphone feedback noise. “Family emergency.”

“Well,” Billy Blanc, one of the few less douchey citizens of Future Seattle makes a genuinely sorry face. “You know how I am all for supporting friends and families...”

And he shows Pete Damien's paycheck. Unfortunately, the raw-stipend was not enough – only a measly 2500 nuyen – barely a dent on the 50k ransom. So Pete-Damien politely declines, saying he needed to work and work out. Money ain't easy, you know – however, people are...and vehicles were the haute couture of fetishes this year...

Damien proceeded to spazz out on the dance floor – doing maneuvers that are more appropriate for a car than a human. Pete decided since this was Damien – they probably had cool anime names. There was the Worm (Damien rolling on the floor). The Parallax (Damien slamming into walls). The Grand Theft Auto (Damien accidentally knocking over club-furniture). The Abyss (Damien collapsing because Pete's frequency dropped). The Roar (Damien making annoying car-horn noises). However, the most beloved move was what Pete fondly named the Tokyo Drift...which was Damien making random hip-thrusts. It was very stupid looking but for some reason, it made the crowd go wild.

“TAKE MY PANTIES.” An increasingly-naked fat guy screamed. “TAKE MY EVERYTHING,” a nearby lady threw her small child at Damien. Damien was covered in too many smelly and sweaty clothes but he continually hip-thrusted because hey, Pete was a crowd-pleaser.

“THIS ONE GOES TO ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE,” Damien limp-waves as he swaggered to the exit with 3000 nuyens in his chameleon panties. He vrooms to the Lone Star, much to shock of everyone. Pete can take his spoils much to the disgust of Shodan. Damien make car noises to his relatively posh apartment and collapses at the entrance – because Pete remembers he still sort of hates him.

Still, the cash wasn't enough. At this time, the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS were getting a bit QUICK DIRTY DESPERATE.

“Maybe we can grow drugs,” Peter suggests.

“No, even better, we advertise drugs,” Pete slams his hands down as though he was proving a point. “We create a supply – but we create a bigger demand. A dot-com boom. A Ponzi scheme.”

“...Do you even know what you are talking about?”

“...Yeeees,” Pete said after an unnaturally long pause. “I took finance class.”

“Huh, so did I.” Peter sat back, a bit intrigued.

“YOU. KNOW. PLANTS. TAKE. A. LONG. TIME. TO GROW. RIGHT.” Shodan sighed, out of her uniform because her shift was over.

Peter looks at Shodan and gave a shrug. “We have magic plants.”

“Magic AND plants AND crimes against metahumanity?” Harvestine stands up. “Count me in!”

“Ladies. Gentlemen,” Pete takes out a pair of sunglasses that he didn't have until now. “And those outside the gender binary – we aren't discriminate. We had solidified a plan that tries people's temptations. But beware, the pans also try our temptations. This is a heist that would either make or break us as a team (if we could technically be called as such, eh). We are all going in. We are making rad...” he puts on his sunglasses. “...or breaking bad.”

“Ooh! Ooh! I know that reference!” Guy piped. Harvestine proceeds to kick his shins out of spite.

Part 5: This is sort of illegal

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“ISN'T THIS SORT OF ILLEGAL?” Guy asks because it was his job to be the annoying one when Damien wasn't around. “NO,” because it was sort of everyone else's job to say otherwise. “Okay!” Guy is cheerfully oblivious the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS were going to break SO MANY LAWS. Property laws. Common sense laws. Drug laws. They were going to make sweet love with the Seattle Administration and and they were going to leave her before she wakes up.

“WHAT. A. DISGUSTING. METAPHOR,” Shodan said.

Pete was like “shut up, that was a damn good metaphor” - but only because he made it himself. Shodan resists punching his face back to Session 1. Operation Columbia (Pete really insisted he was the one naming the plans) required magic plants. They had magic plants. Magic plants required ambient magic. Peter can find ambient magic. There was ambient magic in Pete's Trap Shack – much to the chagrin of Peter.

“Why. Are. You. So disgusting,” Peter tries not to wig out again; he sort of succeeds. Peter's hands turn into Clorox bottles. Pete turned into a badger for some reason. A filthy badger. Any attempts at cleaning Pete were ultimately futile.

“Oh, huh,” Pete was honestly surprised his home was filthy enough to spontaneously generate magic. Was it microbes? Magic microbes? Can bacteria can be magic? Is that why yogurt was so healthy? He cautiously prodded what was probably a shirt with his toe. The shirt (or was that pants? Did he had pants?) immediately disintegrated into a cloud of unicorns and rainbows. “That's a good thing, right?”

Peter just rolled his eyes. Fortunately, they do not pop out like last time. Harvestine joins in, nearly destroyed the door out of excitement (“SO I HEARD YOU GUYS WERE PLANTING???”). They began to plant the manashrooms, like, hella everywhere because Peter was like “that's the only thing I am good at growing – other than marijuana and creative despair. Although I planted my goldfish once when I was eight, the results were what you might expect.”

“Goldfish trees?” Harvestine guesses.

“No,” Peter snapped. “Childhood trauma.”

“Gee golly gee,” Harvestine was like, “maybe we can make a giant manashroom tree and just burn the damn thing down and people will pay us to inhale the fumes!” Harvestine then proceeds to seal up the Trap Shack. Peter questions her legitimacy as an ecologist. Harvestine questions his legitimacy of shut the fuck up.

Pete ditches them because he's irresponsible, also he never really cared for the taste of mushrooms. He goes back to Guy who goes out of the Lone Star Cafe for some reason. Pete knew it was “for some reason” because Guy's expression was like “I have no idea what the hell I am doing!” It was the most blissfully ignorant expression on his face, this almost made Pete want to punch is his face out of pity. As Guy was Pete's least hated contributor of the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS, Pete asks him why he's just waltzing out like a moron.

“I,” Guy tries to pass by Pete because cool people do that. “Am going to find some drug dealers.”

Pete frowned. “You know you could just use the internet, right.”

“Oh,” Guy kind of wilted. He wanted to admit that Pete was right. On the other hand, HE WANTED TO PROVE HOW COOL HE WAS. Guy snapped back into a smile. “Try me!”

Guy goes off, unprepared and unqualified. Keep in mind he has 5 in logic and he certainly isn't using it properly. Pete follows because Guy was embarrassing him. Plus, it won't be long before that pointy-eared poof accidentally hurts himself. Because they were the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS, it wasn't long before they land in a situation that may accidentally hurt both of them because they were surrounded by drug dealers. Nasty drug dealers. Pete starts to sweat. Guy was like because he is Guy. He never knows what he was in clear danger.

“Hey guys!” Guy waves, positively oozing rainbows. “We have some drugs for you!”

“Oh?” The drug dealers were too busy videogames and too apathetic to acknowledge.

“Red mesc!”

The drug dealers rolled their eyes because that was basically what they traded every single day.

“NOOOOOOOO, GUY. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND MARKETING? YOU NEED TO PLAY UP YOUR PRODUCT OTHERWISE PEOPLE AREN'T DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY,” Pete slapped Guy on the head because Guy was an amateur and Pete needed to school him (with tough love). Pete turns to the drug dealers with a forced smile that seemed genuine and went “Forgive my man here, he's a bit new at this business. Red Mescaline? That's not the stuff we are pushing – we are far beyond that. WE are talking Crimson Mescaline, ladies. Better, bigger, badder than the red stuff on the streets.”

“Crimson is basically red tho--” Guy gets slapped again because he can never keep his stupid mouth shut.

“Call us interested,” the drug dealers stop trading Pokémon and start circling around the duo like sharks. Druggie sharks. Dangerous druggie sharks. “But we don't buy for no reason. I suppose you guys have a sample hit...or do we have to get it ourselves?”

“Yes,” Pete was making it up as he goes.”But-”

“--Because it's healthy!” Guy blurts out.

Guy and Pete proceeded to talk over each other about the health benefits of the currently-not-existing Crimson Mescaline. It was borderline homeopathic, skidding on pseudoscience. Somewhere else in Seattle, a biochemist is crying. The result was something like a combination of a pharmaceutical advertisement and pile of embarrassing and eye-cringing dumb if Guy wasn't so pitifully charismatic. “LOWERS CHANCE OF CANCER!” Guy says. “CURES DIABETES,” Pete shouts. “ ALSO ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION,” Guy adds.

“...Like that guy,” Pete dramatically points to a drug dealer with a very visible erection in his pants because he wanted to end this on a dramatic note. Also because he wanted to embarrass someone.

“Actually, this isn't my dick. That's my dick-gun,” the drug dealer proceeds to pull it out. It was a gun molded to be shaped like a dick. It looked rather familiar.

“...Where you got that gun,” Pete was starting to get very unpleasant flashbacks to the beginning of the game.

“Bought it in Black Market off of some wolf-dude named Ben Bernanke! The barrel is even cherry-flavored! Mmm...cherry...” the dealer proceeds to suck on his own dick-gun much to the disgust of everyone around him.

Pete switches the topic to bargaining instead. The prices turned out to suck – they needed at least 10000 hits in 30 hours before they could pay up the ransom. Disheartened (unless you are Guy, then you are just confused), they trailed back to Shodan. Shodan was currently intimidating the shit out of hobos because she was getting bored. Shodan is not impressed with Pete and Guy's progress.

Pete mentions he is not impressed with Shodan's mom. Shodan proceeds to punch him in the gut.

MEANWHILE, Peter is struggling to remember how to grow Red Mescaline. Instructables wasn't helping. Neither was Google (and Googlewill, Google's competitor). Harvestine was like “why don't we SHOOT some magic through the manashrooms. Plants need water. Watering makes plants grow faster. Magic plants need magic. SO, adding more magic makes magic plants grow faster! Genius, isn't it?”

Peter was about to say, “that's bullshit, plants don't work like that!” But then he remembered he flunked general biology in college, also mushrooms aren't technically plants anyway. Peter was astonished he could still remember that shit.

So he decided to shut up and channel magic through the manashrooms. Harvestine attempts to imitate him but only manages to look like a dork. Mushrooms grow pretty fast, but manashrooms were like fucking weeds, man. In a few couple of hours, the inside of Pete's Trap Shack were cloaked in freakishly large and definitely magical mushrooms – about the size of Harvestine's head and some even bigger than both of their noggins together. They glowed and pulsated – and for reasons only known to cosmic forces, in a shade of unmistakable crimson. This slightly freaks out Peter, who was starting to think this might be a sort of bad idea. Harvestine on the other hand, decided to do the smart thing. She harvests the largest mushroom she could find and proceeds to eat it.

That was when Ben-The-Wolf appeared. He frowned. “You know this is poisonous shit, right.”

Harvestine nodded. “Yoop.”

“Didn't you learn about not ingesting products you make? Remember you made kombucha and drunk it all because 'real ecologists don't pasteurize?' You shat a fucking river for three days straight.”

“Yoop.”

“...You aren't going to listen to me, are you.”

Harvestine shook her head. “Noop.”

“Ah, fuck.”

Harvestine proceeds to engulf the rest of the mushroom with her mouth. She felt nothing. In fact, she felt pretty okay! But she was on the floor, but that was okay too! She like wolves and wolves laid on floors. Only lame wolves stayed on two legs like the rest of metahumanity, who are superlame and superlamer. Wait, she was on the floor. That means, she's a wolf. A good wolf. And only good wolves go back to the mothership...

Peter glanced at frothing, growling Harvestine with mild shock. He finds this situation to be truly appalling and slightly ironic, just the same.

Part 6: CAPITALISM, HO!

SpoilerShow

“VIRTUAL MARKETING,” Pete stands up and slams his hands on the table back at the Lone Star Cafe. Shodan tells him to stop doing that. Pete says he is a customer and can do whatever he wants. Shodan tries to shove her prosthetic foot up Pete's ass but IKEA furniture is just that durable. “Memetic engineering. We are going to sell distributions, rather than the product itself. This is how we are going to get profit. Fast.”

“YOU. GOT. A. SHITTON. OF. DRUGS.” Shodan pretended she wasn't pulling her feet out of Pete's chair seat. “BUT. NOT. A SHITTON. OF. DRUGGIES.”

“That's why we use advertising! That's Pete's idea by the way.” Guy cheerfully slaps down a bunch of papers. The content of the paper was a bunch of poorly drawn mushrooms. The mushrooms were surrounded by crude stick figures with happy expressions on their face. “Yay! It's drugs!” the letters around their heads spoke. Shodan rolled her eyes at such a pathetic attempt.

“'CRIMSON. MESCALINE. GIVES. YOU. WINGS.'” She reads the catchphrase. Then, she sighed. “SERIOUSLY. GUY. ARE. EVEN. YOU. TRYING. TO. BE. ORIGINAL?”

“It's a reference,” Guy puts on his serious face. “References are very hip.”

Shodan proceeds to rip up his presentation to show how she felt about its hipness. Guy was sad because the picture at least took him three minutes to complete, which was a lot of time!!! She turns to Pete. “IS. THERE. ANYONE. HERE. WHO. IS. NOT. A. SHITTY. WRITER.”

“Me,” Pete said.

Shodan glared at Pete so hard Guy swore she was trying to make him spontaneous combust.

“Er,” Pete sighed because he got the message. “There's Peter, I guess.”

Pete phones Peter and tells him there was an advertisement and it was up to him to write the gig. Mostly because Pete was lazy. Guy was good at accounting but writes-slash-draws like a six-year-old. Also, he tried asking Shodan to write but she said she was going on an “extended bathroom break” and but actually went into the slums, presumably to punch information out of some hobos. Peter however burst into tears. Tears of happiness. Or manashroom spores getting into his eyes. It was honestly hard to tell at this point.

“Finally, my creative writing skills are actually going to be important!” Peter sobs.

“Arrrrwwooooooooooo,” Harvestine was too busy sniffing Peter's butt. Because she was a wolf. A good wolf. By nasal analysis, she decides Peter's posterior was actually just a misshaped wolf. She growled at it, hoping the wolf-within-butt will listen to her Wolf-Klingon. Wolf-Esperanto. Wolf-words. Woof.

“No, bad wolf! I mean Harvestine! Out!” Peter kicks Harvestine out before she ruins the crop with her therian escapades. Harvestine growls. The Mothership would learn about this misdemeanor. Later. Because the mission was the most important thing. The mission must be succeeded at all cost. What was the mission anyway?

Pretty soon, Harvestine found herself under the sea. The theme song of Dr. Who was reverberating inside her head. She had no idea what Doctor Who is. For some reason, he was a cantaloupe. Weird.

Meanwhile, Peter puts on his gas mask, kicks back, and starts texting away. His passion only constrained by the devil known as a lack of a decent editor.

Just outside, Pete gives a tour of the Hotbox Trap Shack to a bunch of bewildered drug-abusers. “None of that conventional red stuff in this area. You know you didn't came here to go so low. This...is Crimson mescaline.” He added with a flourished of a filth-caked sleeve. “This...is what you'd wish you had. This...is the next dimension you woke yourselves into.”

“You literally dragged us out on knifepoint,” a hobo quipped.

“Nonsense,” Pete pretended not to listen. “That was a persuasion of physical sorts.”

“Speaking of physical,” sniped a particularly toothless fellow. “When you are going to give us actual samples.”

“Well,” Pete activates his Commlink and whispers to the mage. “Peter – did you got the stuff.”

“Go away, I'm trying to write stuff,” Peter snaps back. “Plus the stuff isn't going to be done until two hours later.”

“Dammit Peter,” Pete hissed. “I have customers, give me something or this is going to crash faster than the Matrix in 2029!”

There was some feedback and grumbling as Peter stood up and pushed around things. The door to the Trap Shack opened and a couple of mason jars rolled out. Pete picked up a jar, slightly incredulous. It was looked like it was full of nothing and he was pretty sure Peter was full of nothing because THIS WAS A VERY STUPID JOKE. Pete turned around and smiled. “...Behold.”

“Didja fart in a jar and call it a product,” an old man crossed his arms. “We may be uneducated, but we ain't that stupid.”

“...Yes? I mean, NO,” Pete started to fumble with the lid. “This is the FUTURE and this is the FUTURE PRODUCT. FROM THE FUTURE. Get with the times, old man – because you aren't going to feel more younger, more wonderful.” The lid came off with a wet pop. “More invincible – than this.”

Pete douses the crowd with the gas. A bit of backwind caused a little to go into a swarm of flies, which immediately died on the spot from the accidental drug overdose. Fortunately, the derelicts didn't die. In fact, they were a bit intrigued. A bit energized. A bit pepped up. And in their drug-glazed eyes, they were...a bit feral.

“...Where we can get more of this?” The voice was too quiet, too scary.

“Well...” Pete was about to say but he was suddenly cut off by a rumble. At first, he thought it was the cops, but it turned out to be an unnaturally large group of addicts. It was more than his eyes could see and it was definitely more than his nose can handle. For some reason, Guy was on top of the unsanitary crowd. He waved giddily.

“HEEEEY PETEY!” Guy waved. “I spammed Neo-Craigslist with Peter's writing thing. And you know what? It worked amazingly well! Well to the point it completely crashed the site! I hope you don't use it that much.”

“I...can tell,” Pete tried to keep at least a three inch distance from the filthy, morally bankrupt masses.

“You should see it for yourself!” Guy messaged the advertisement to Pete.

“...I use my blood as water and they drank of it. Imbibing themselves into stupor as they lay dead-drunk on the filth. Their faces red with sorrow, blank from regrets,” Pete squinted.“Expressions of joy as they partake of this forbidden fruit. For what is forbidden can be forgotten and nothing is more forgotten than time you had lost. Are you lost? Are you happy? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to forget or forgive? Let the CRIMSON MESCALINE wash you out. You have nothing to lose because it takes you to the end of time...”

Pete frowned. “...this is kind of pretentious. Almost as if the guy who wrote it was on drugs.”

“I AM on drugs,” Peter snapped from the Trap Shack.

Guy proceeds to set up some booths. The sign said “Lemonade” the counter said “The Doctor Is IN.” He claims it was a reference but no one got it, much to his sadness. Peter took a small break to set up some blacklights and fish out some awesome trance music. Pete replaced half of it with music from the 20th century, much to Peter's dismay. Shodan gets bored of hobo-punching and goes back to Lone Star Cafe. Meanwhile, Harvestine mauled some hobos but that wasn't really important in the long run because sooner or later, there was going to be a lot of dead people. Trust me. Anyway, Pete decided to see if everyone was prepared.

“Drugs ready?” Pete checkmarked.

“Uh, it's done—but it's too late to buy tablet capsules,” Peter said. “So I used a bunch of dried peas I found laying around instead.”

Peter took out a bucketful of dusty druggy dried peas. It smelled like magic and death. Pete was slightly peeved that Peter was using tomorrow's lunch as emergency containers but hey, mission right?

“Uh...okay. Anyway, sufficiently large crowd?” Pete continued.

Guy points to crowd – they were salivating like rabid animals.

“Obligatory cute mascot?”

Peter pulls over Harvestine. She was too engrossed sending mind-beams to Sirius Major.

“Okay then.” Pete tosses a megaphone to Guy. “Good luck, guys.”

“W-wait! I thought you were speaking!” Guy nearly dropped it.

“Guy,” Pete walked away without looking back. “You got the power. I have the business.”

“O-okay,” Guy stood up on the booth. Everyone's eyes (their red, red eyes) were on his one-armed self. He never felt so important yet so little in his life. However, he trusted Pete. He knew what Pete do in this situation. He knew what to say.

“THIS IS FOR ALL YOU LOVERS OUT THERE,” he shouted as he threw a mason jar into the crowd. It smashed a dude in the face, spilling Crimson fumes all over the place. He felt kind of bad, but who cares, Guy. You are invincible. Tonight, no one can punish you.

Part 7: Night Of The Living Baseheads

SpoilerShow

THE NIGHT WAS STILL YOUNG because it was still 9:00 PM, so it still had some light. To be honest, Pete felt hella dead considering he didn't got a good night's sleep. The dead-comparison was pretty apt and appropriate, especially what was about to unfold. His mouth was dead dry. His coffee was dead cold. The alleyway smelled like something dead. And there was even a hobo there – although to be honest, Pete wasn't sure if he was drunk-dead, sorta-dead, or dead-dead for reals.

“So, do you have the stuff,” the voice in the Commlink crackle. Whoever the voice belonged to, it was low and loud and definitely in need of a few lozenges. This is why you shouldn't do drugs, kids. You can deafen someone. Through electronic devices. In the future.

“I have the stuff,” Pete replied all professional-like because he was totally a CEO and his business was totally legitimate.

“What sort of stuff is this?”

“Tough stuff.”

“Yeah, but what sort of tough stuff exactly.”

“Fun stuff.”

“Can you be a bit less cryptic?”

“No stuff.”

A black sedan pulled in the alleyway. The door opened and three men walked out. They were basically identical to each other and the sunglasses they wore were certainly not helping. Their suits were Armani. Their shoes were leather. Commlinks in their ears, swag in their steps. They were sort of intimidating and mysterious, if Pete decided to care about those qualities.

“You know,” if there was any resentment in the baritone, it didn't show. “Communications and transactions would be a bit easier if you weren't so persistent about these so-called codenames.”

“We are dealing with private matters here,” Pete smirked as he adjusted his collar. “No need to get upset, or shall I say, a bit...stuffy.”

NEARBY IMPORTANT BUSINESS MATTERS, the party was getting really wild. Like really, really wild. Windows were broken. Fences were burned. People were injured. Stray cats were eaten. People were eaten. I am pretty sure a baby was eaten too along the way too. Needless to say, a lot of good taste, faith in humanity, and building codes were violated beyond recognition. However, Guy was enjoying it. He was pretty sure everyone else was too!

“THIS IS FOR EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS OUT THERE, EXCEPT FOR EVOCORP.” Guy cheerfully shouted over the wub-wub-wubs. “BECAUSE THOSE ASSHOLES STILL HADN'T GIVEN ME A RAISE FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS.” He throws another jar of manashroom fumes into the crowd. It was a girl-toss. So it landed in someone's hands rather than their face.

“HOLY CRAP GUYS,” the poor schmuck giddily screamed. “I GOT THE POWER. I GOT--” He never finished his sentence because he was torn apart by wolves. Druggie wolves. Who actually are hobos.

“WOW DID YOU SEE THAT? GIVE THAT GUY A PEA.” Guy pointed out the excessive carnage with his megaphone. Harvestine starts to whine because she heard a frequency that can barely register to metahuman ears. “IF HE FORKS OVER THAT 500-CREDSTICK FIRST!”

Suddenly, the music went silent. The crowd went silent too. It was creepy, especially with those red, red eyes. Guy started to sweat a little because there might be possibility that he might die. Painfully.

“Guy, you idiot!” Pete crackled in his Commlink. “That's way too damn expensive – even for streets!”

“I'm going to die!” Guy was starting to lose his cool. And maybe cry.

“Oh, stop that. You are embarrassing everyone!” Pete snapped. “Just lower to 300.”

“DID I MENTION 500?” Guy sort of smile-cried. “I ACTUALLY MEANT 300. THAT'S ONE THREE AND TWO ZEROES. DO THE MATH AND GET THE CASH!”

The crowd might be getting increasingly psychopathic but they are still pretty stupid. They roared in approval at this perceived cheapness and the music started up again. This time, it was some weird indie-pop. The lyrics were meaningless. The chorus forgettable. The melody awful. However, Guy was glad he wasn't mincemeat. Yet.

“I DO THIS FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL.” Guy megaphoned. But he didn't really mean it. A nearby building suddenly burst into flames. Guy could see a couple of tenants screaming to their deaths. “ALL YOU HUMANS AND DWARVES. ELVES AND ORCS. TROLLS...”

A particularly rich asshole stuffed his mouth with the druggie peas. His display of doucheyness was what eventually made him dead tonight.

“PATRICIAN and PLEBIANS, the SIN and SINLESS...”

The crate began to fill up with credsticks and cash as the semi-legal transactions rolled in. Harvestine growled because she had no idea why the fuck Guy strapped the said crate on her back.

“MASSES OF LABOURERS, crowded into the sprawls, are organized like SILICON WAFERS. As COMPOTENTS of COMPUTERS of CORPORATIONS, they are placed under the command of a perfect matrix of TECH GUYS and GEEK SQUADS. Not only they slaves of their SYSTEM IDENTIFICATION NUMBERS and of the SEATTLE STATE; they are daily and hourly ENSLAVED BY THE MACHINE, by the CORPORATES, and, above all, BARACK OBAMA HIMSELF.”

“THANKS OBAMA,” one (completely armless) man shouted as loudly and sarcastically as he could. “NOBAMA!” shouted another, feeling clever himself, and pretty soon, everyone was shouting that. “NOBAMA! NOBAMA! NOBAMA! ” The phrase memetically echoing through the narcotic-fueled cogs of the ragemachine.

“We must FIGHT side by side to consolidate the might of SEATTLE. We MUST shed their blood on the various fronts for the sake of the freedom and greatness of our SEATTLELAND and HERE IS EVIDENCE. The SYMBOL in which we RALLY BEHIND.”

Guy holds up a druggie pea. It was hard to see considering it was pinched between two fingers and it was, you know, the size of a pea. He throws it into a crowd as a freebie, inadvertently causing twenty casualties on the spot. The crowd erupts into a roar - also a couple of body parts. Some kidneys but mostly arms but waitaminute, there was an arm waving at him. It was familiar. It was Shodan's.

“SHE HAD ARRIVED. HAIL, SHODAN!” Guy trundled through his desecration of divine by accident. “THE LADY WITH YOU! BLESSED IS SHE AMONG ANGRY CYBORG WOMAN. BRING HER TO ME.”

Guy proudly watched as Shodan crowdsurfed through the increasingly brainless (like they were actually losing brain cells) masses and deposited onto the impromptu stage-née-booth. To Guy's surprise, Shodan was not pleased to see him. Rather she looked concerned. Also upset. For a dire cyborg.

“Oh hey, Shodan!” Guy megaphoned into her face. “Do you want some orange juice? I would give you a beer except they completely destroyed the bar thirty minutes ago.”

Shodan took Guy's megaphone, crushed it, and threw it into crowd. About fifteen percent thought those were drug-peas and about one hundred percent of those who got it choked to death on megaphone parts. She glared at Guy with an incredulous expression. “DID. YOU. JUST. REFERENCED. THE. COMMUNIST. MANIFESTO?”

“It is a derivation!” Guy said, starting to count the nuyens in the Harvestine-crate and transferred them into the joint account the group decided to put under his name. “A homage! Also references are hip.”

“LORD. WHAT. HAS. GOTTEN. INTO. YOU.” Shodan stomped down, making a hole in the table. Harvestine barked in surprise. “YOU. GOT. POSSESSED. OR. SOMETHING?”

“I don't know,” he confessed. “But it kind of felt kind of awesome. Also kind of scary.”

“THERE. ARE. DEAD. PEOPLE.”

“Well...yeah? I mean, I saw a guy (not me, of course) got torn apart over there.”

“DEAD. PEOPLE. WALKING.”

Shodan pointed at the edge of the crowd. There were corpses all right, but the people were more like writhing in pain than wigging out at hallucinations. And worst, it was spreading, the stupefied expressions snapped to pain as quick as a rubber band. Everyone was acting a bit strange, a bit feral, a bit too...hungry.

“Oh shit,” Guy stammered. “Zombies.”

The crowd went really wild. Like actual, animalistic wild. Many cats were eaten. So were many body parts. A common symptom of the overdose was cannibalism because the afflicted often indulged in partaking human flesh without permission. Because they were QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS, not RESPONSIBLE BORING PEOPLE, they immediately decided that calling them zombies was improper because they weren't you know, technically dead. They suggested new names.

Reds was too generic. So was Crimsons. Gingers was borderline offensive. However, Redheads was catchy enough and definitely stood out. With an actual name for them, they decided to get the hell out dodge. Shodan darts away. Guy tries to copy her but falls flat on his face. Harvestine howls because she was getting semi-conscious and she finds this situation humorous at Guy's expense. Guy tries not to cry because the Redheads are here and he didn't want his last moments to be filled with tears.

However, Shodan saves the day by driving back with Pete's Rad Van (without Pete's Rad Permission). She does sort of a circle, pulping up about thirty Redheads and probably gaining like thirty thousand points and an additional four-thousand for a flawless combo. Guy leaps in. So does Harvestine. They drive off, with about like fifty Redheads stripping the paint off their escaping vehicle.

“OH SHIT! WE FORGOT DAMIEN!” Guy blurted.

“HE'S. BACK. HOME. YOU. IDIOT.” Shodan sighed as she ran over a fire hydrant. Then a stop sign. Then another hobo.

“Oh, right,” Guy nodded. “What I was meant to say is...OH SHIT! WE FORGOT PETER!”

“OH. SHIT.” Shodan took a sharp right, exploding like ten Redheads, to Pete's Trap Shack. The Redheads were positively swarming. Peter was on the rooftop, looking more disappointed than distraught. He probably need a new pair of glasses. Maybe a bruise pack or two. However, he looked pretty much in one piece.

“They ruined my glasses,” Peter sighed as he jumped into the Rad Van. “Now I have to get new ones.”

Shodan tries to drive away, but soon the van was surrounded by like ten million Redheads – which certainly was an exaggeration of the actual number, but it certainly felt like it. Guy tries not to scream. Peter zones out a little. Harvestine barks at them because they smelled funny. Shodan realizes the only way to lose them was to toss a grenade or area-clearing thing.

“Dude, we don't have enough grenades.” Peter snided.

“MAKE. A. BOMB. OUT. OF. A. JAR. THEN.” Shodan growled.

“Woof!” Harvestine managed to make a grenade despite only having a jar of fumes. The fact she managed to do it with thumbs boggled her mind. She was a wolf. She had thumbs. Wolves don't have thumbs. She is not a good wolf. She is a bad wolf. A very bad wolf.

She starts to whine, much to the annoyance of Shodan.

“NOOOOO,” Guy was like. “A jar grenade will explode everything. And it will be BAD!”

“Well, a half of grenade, maybe?” Peter snorts. “If there was ever such a thing.”

“WOOF!” Harvestine neatly splits a grenade in half, much to the surprise of everybody even Harvestine.

“But it's still an explosive!”

“Okay, you know what?” Peter snaps. “I have been channeling magic through FUCKING mushrooms for two hours straight per crop. I haven't eaten in eight hours. And I haven't got any goddamn sleep. I am not going to let what are essentially zombies fuck up my day any worse.”

He sticks his head out and torches the Redheads, turning them into Flameheads. The masses put up no resistance because they got no brain anymore and piled up. A smell of burning flesh filled the air, reminding Guy of a barbeque gone wrong. Much to Shodan's relief, a car-sized area was cleared. Peter slumps back to his chair as though the life-threatening situation was just an everyday annoyance.

“There, we happy?” Peter sighs. “Can we also go through McDonalds on the way?”

Guy stares at Peter, slackjawed for a couple of minutes before realizing there was one more missing member he needed to overreact to. “OH SHIT! WE FORGOT PETE TOO!”

“Don't worry about me,” Pete spoke through everyone's Commlinks. “Investors are coming up in three hours. I'll stay behind to clean up the mess.”

MEANWHILE in an unfortunately nearby location, a certain soon-to-infamous member of the QUICK DIRTY BASTARDS was taking in his sights of his surroundings, which mostly populated by dead bodies. “Well, this won't do for business. I could bury them, but I could...” Pete took out his commlink and phoned TNT, knowing he would TOTALLY burn the bodies and TOTALLY won't make things worse. He knew he could trust him.

Suddenly, Pete's Commlink beeped. The investors were here. He had no choice but to rendezvous at his former home-now-hotbox, the Trap Shack. There was the black sedan and thirty identical suited men that accompanied it. All of them look familiar. All of them looked too similar. One of them held a suitcase.

“Doesn't...look like much.” A familiar voice spoke behind him.

“I improvise,” Pete shrugged as he let the investors into his shack. He also tossed a sample jar into the leaderdude's head.

“Mmm...this is the stuff,” the man with the shades smiled as he took a hit from the jar of fumes Pete proffered. “How much are you asking for?”

“Some magic-users – hermetics, not adepts, mind you. And thirty thousand nuyen. Not in credits. Not in cred-sticks. In cash.” Pete narrowed his eyes. “Cold hard cash.”

“You drive a hard bargain for your rights, sir,” the man mumbled as he took out a heavy suitcase. “But a steal when we all need fork over cash and some mages.”

The case pops open, revealing all thirty thousand of nuyens. All arranged in a flawlessly rectangular order with nary a bill out of place. The nuyens were face up, revealing Obama's grinning face and the shoulders of his robotic body. “IN OBAMA WE TRUST” the ingrained banner said. “OBAMA'S AMERICA.” In the middle of the bills, there were papers – ensuring a squadron of decently trained magic users at his disposal.

“Well, you got me,” Pete inhaled as much of the new nuyen bill without raising any suspicions and looking like a dork. “I assure you, you will have your rights to the recipe in absolutely no--”

“Oh hey, Petey. Pete. Pete.” Something muffled at the entrance.

“Excuse me, ladies,” Pete smiled at the investors. “But I have a visitor to account for.”

And then Pete opened a door to a very unpleasant scene. TNT, their friendly neighboring dwarf (and dangerously unpredictable pyromaniac), had came as expected. TNT set the fire to the bodies as expected. To Pete's surprise (which was mostly tempered by anger), TNT also sets himself on fire, which was not expected. Unfortunately, he also set everything else on fire, which was also not expected. The flames had spread everywhere, as expected.

“What I can say,” the flaming dwarf grinned sheepishly. “I am a man with a passion.”

“I paid you a goddamn three thousand,” Pete snapped. “Can't you spend it on augments that increases your common sense?”

“Say, uh.” TNT asked. “Is that shack of yours full of flammable things?”

“My. Shit. Is.” Pete glared. “Off. Limits.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. We amigos, sorta. But.” TNT pointed a thumb behind Pete. “Your roof is on fire.”

Pete turned around and saw TNT had spoke the truth.

“Oh shit.” Pete began to make for the entrance of Trap Shack. Hoping to make it out with the money if not the investors.

“OH NO YOU DON'T,” TNT dwarven-tackled Pete – much to Pete's chagrin.

But mostly to Pete's good health, because Pete's Trap Shack exploded. Like, really exploded. A mushroom cloud emerged (although it should be more of a manashroom cloud, Pete muses), sucking in debris as the pressure unbalanced. However, mushrooms had a tendency to pop up everywhere and that fact also apparently also extends to mushroom clouds because another one appeared. And another one. And another one. A chain reaction of magic death mushrooms. Pretty soon, there was nothing left because the slums, well, had been completely blown away.

“You blew up all my cash,” Pete could not feel anything. “And all my investors.”

“Well,” TNT sniffed. “It ain't my fault you decided to pump a shack full of gas in a place full of fire hazards.”

It started to snow. It was almost serene if it weren't for the fact that the snow was in fact, bits of plastic, metal, and charred flesh. It would probably cause cancer if a lot went into their lungs and Pete was trying not to breathe in too much of the stuff. Fortunately, for Pete and TNT, the snow was not radioactive. Unfortunately, for the Seattle Administration – it was going to be a bitch to clean.

“It sucks that you lost everything,” TNT sighed. “Your money, your home...well, at least you got your bastards, right?”

“I hadn't lost anything” Pete opened up the joint account under Guy's name. He was immediately wowed by the monetary performance. It was true he hadn't lost everything – especially with those stellar sales. So much money...so many nuyens...It was twice as much as the ransom...and it was twice as much as his debt...his debt to Ben Bernanke...

“That a lot of money,” TNT whistled. “Gonna tell the rest of the gangbunch?”

“Yeah but first,” And then Pete paid off his money to Ben Bernanke, clearing his name and his reputation with the ghostly Federal-wolf.

“Ha!” TNT cackles, slapping his knee. “I knew you would be a big enough slimeball to do that! You aren't going to tell the rest of those quick dirty bastards, are you?”

“Actually...” Pete activated his Commlink. And then he linked to Peter, Harvestine, Guy, and even Damien – even though he won't be listening to this. Wireless speed was incredibly reliable and sturdy, even if a chunk of Seattle was wiped away via drug shenanigans. It only took a few second for him to contact the Bastards but it was too long for him. It was the longest...wait...ever...but at least his message was brief.

“Hey everyone. I blew off half of your drug money on debt. Good luck. Bye.” And then Pete shut off his Commlink before anyone could reply.

“A bit brief with ditching them, are you?” TNT chuckles. “Not even a heartfelt message! I would do one if I left my teammates – especially if Harvestine was around.” He smile sadly, a sigh escaped between his lips. “So Mr. November, where you going to go now you are alone again? You certainly can't go back to your parents.”

“I am going to sell my radio. My everything.” Pete mumbled under his breath as he went into the black sedan, which somehow miraculously survived despite everything. “I am going to get the hell out of Seattle. I am going to out with only money in my pocket. Clothes on my back. Because that is all I have left. I will make myself out of nothing. I will get myself something. I might die. I might live. Who gives a fuck because in the end, I'll be king.”

TNT's expression jolted into surprise and relaxed into sad resignation.

“I suppose this is your funeral,” TNT shrugs. “At least, you can drop me off at my house?”

“Sure, why not.” Pete opened the passenger seat and helped TNT in. They drove off – breathing in cool air of the night which bloomed ice-cold in their cheeks. Wind whipped in Pete's hair, splitting his meticulously greasy hair into more naturally shaped locks, but Pete didn't care. He had a sort of plan. He knew what sort of things to expect. There was even a in the cup holder. And the coffee was still hot. As far as he could tell, it only just begun.

“We've only just beguuuuuuuun,” a woman crooned on the radio. It was an old song, but it was a good song. “To liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.”

So many roads to choooooooose....we'll start out walkin' and learn to ruuuuuuuuuun...

Epilogue: 28 seconds later

SpoilerShow

“REDEKER. I. HAVE. A. REQUEST. TO. TRACK. A. PETE NOVEMBER.” Shodan snarled.

“As you wish.” Her employee for less legal matters confirmed. “From the creation of this request to the undetermined future, any information about Pete November will be fed to your Commlink. Good day!”

The remaining Quick Dirty Bastards were incredibly incensed with Pete's unannounced acquittal. Well, most of them. Harvestine, Shodan, and Damien all wanted Pete's head. Peter felt betrayed. Guy was confused, a bit concerned why Pete decide to ditch them so quickly.

Shodan had a bright idea to sell Pete's Rad Van for 28000 nuyen. That combined with the remaining 27000 nuyens from the drug sale, was enough to pay off JJ's ransom for the totem. The exchange was incredibly uneventful and boring.

JJ and Guy eventually become Face-eBook friends out of their mutually ironic interest in terrible porn.

Steve the Fisherman eventually goes back to coastal safety with a raft made of dead humans. Because he's just that awesome.

Donovan, Murphy, O'Burke, Carlos, Boris, and Isaac are still super dead.

Kirk T. Pulp and Michael are hospitalized indefinitely.

Damien became Employee of Month in Goodwill. He is still confused about how he exactly got it.

Billy Blanc decides to try saloon singing as a hobby. He is well-received and now has a potential record in the future.

Meanwhile, the slums were still a plain of ash and a place of zombies – which turned to be somewhat infectious but not by conventional means. More at eleven.

Harvestine later learned what happened, learning a bit of magic and a bit of a lesson too: never to eat weird things she found off the floor again, but we all know she is going to forget it in like, three days.

Magus Margery was pleased with the mission's success, but more pleased with the retrieval of the totem. She proceeds to use the totem to strengthen the control over the Leyline and gain more territory, much to the chagrin of nearby corporations.

Peter got his McDonalds cheeseburger, but even the excess calories was not enough to wipe away the betrayal he felt from Pete.

Guy moves out of his mom's home and into Peter's apartment because Pete ditched Seattle and Peter didn't want to pay the entirety of his rent. However, with the complete eradication of the lower class, apartment prices had rose up to exorbitant prices and giving Peter-plus-Guy no choice but to live at Shodan's home for a few days.

Shodan is not pleased.

Meanwhile, Guy's credit ratings tank but it wasn't because of his fault. Because it was everyone's fault.

Pete hasn't been seen around Seattle for a while. Regardless, I am sure he's doing fine – and I am sure he is up to no good.

IN. HATING. MEMORY.

PETER. MOTHERFUCKING. NOVEMBER.

SESSION THREE AFTERMATH

“…The mayor hopes that the robo rally will reverse this disturbing trend of cybersuicides.

In other news, the Seattle Slums Wildfire enters its third day and the flames show no sign of dying soon. Firefighters are working tirelessly to prevent the fire from spreading beyond the district borders, but the confirmed casualty report is already over a thousand. What’s stranger is that any survivors emerging from the district are reacting violently towards the rescue teams and resisting any attempts of medical treatment and there are even reports of them attacking nearby pedestrians. Citizens near the slums are advised to stay indoors or evacuate the area until the situation is resolved.

Investigators suspect that the unusual properties of the fire are a result of magical interference. Emergency response is looking for volunteer magicians to assist in counteracting and controlling. Megacorporation EvoCorp is also supplying emergency services with shipments of their new prototype Magiware, specially designed cyberware that enhances and augments users—*CRASH* Holy mackerel! What was that?"

“Hey is this the radio station? I need to borrow your equipment, I lost mine”

“Why don't you just buzz off? Amscray! We’re on air! Security!”

“Easy, easy, I’m just, I'm just, borrowing it for a couple of... months, do you need a deposit? I can pay you in hobos. Not live ones.”

“Wait up, I recognize you! You’re that fella who's always hijacking my radio broadcast! You're a real jerk, you know that? ”

“Great show, right? Hey, can I borrow your car? I think a couple of hobos died in the back of mine when I crashed into the building. Thanks, baby-doll.”

“That’s my boyfriend’s car! I'll have your head on a stick by next Tuesday if you-- Don’t you walk out that door-- So help me-- Get your ass back here! Oh, you've really bought the farm now, November! I'LL DOG YOU TO THE CORNERS OF THIS DAGNAB E

~*Transmission Lost*~

Karmakarmakarmakarmakarma Chameleon~~

Believe it or not you all survived and technically completed your mission by somehow kickstarting a zombie apocalypse. 2 Karma points for everyone!

For Catching the Liar and Sweet Air Time, Felix nets 2 more points.

For being a Scary Doorman, a Scarier Barista, and saving your teammate from the Deadly Décor, Para gets 3 Karma in tips.

For Joining the Navy, Breaking Bad, and Finding a Use for an English Major, Scott writes up 3 more Karma.

For Wil E Coyote’s Understudy, A Wolf in Moleman’s Clothing, and Getting the Munchies Like the Wolf, Schazer digs up 3 juicy Karma.

For being the Bridgemaster, Making Billy Mayes Proud, Committing your First Crime and Being Horribly Awkward at it, and Fulfilling our EagleTime wordswordswords quota, Pharms finds 5 Karma mysteriously transferred to her bank account.

And finally, For Death Defying Stunts, Logic Defying Schemes, Casual Manipulation of your Friends, Casual Murder of an Income Class, Solving a Personal Arc, while Fulfilling your Destiny as a True Quick Dirty Bastard, Chwoka steals 6 Karma and runs off before anyone can catch him.

Swag:

Damien steals one Fichetti Security 600 (one clip), one H&K 227-X (one clip), one security shirt, 5 strange looks at work, 1000 nuyen from Margery, 3000 nuyen from Pete with ominous foreboding, his cut of the leftover radio money, and acceptance to Greenwood High School for Mages.

Shodan gains one pending tracking report, 1000 from Marge, her cut of the radio money, and 3 zombrenades.

Harvestine survives one bad trip, 1000 from Marge, cut of the radio money, and enrollment in Not-Hogwarts.

Peter gets his money, a handful of deadly mason jars, and a sack of magical potatoes and other assorted magical fruits and vegetables (manashrooms consumed in the fires) and an invitation to Secret Magic Kids Klub.

Guy gets his cut, an additional 5000 nuyen curiously left over in his bank account, and acceptance into the Crones. JJ is now your contact Loyalty 1, Connection 2.

Pete gets all the money and none of the babes.

Stream in muzak mode! We're starting early today. Almost 4 hours early.

There is a tumblr for this now, featuring art and words.

HERE YA GO QUICK DIRTY FANS!

SpoilerShow

This session starts in the middle of Damien’s detective fantasy. And by fantasy, I mean Damien somehow got a detective job from a local store owning family. A tentacle beast has been found in the sewers, and it stole a cat, probably for nefarious purposes. Or it's just lonely. So Damien and Guy go into the sewers, where Damien manages to pickpocket the cat away… As Guy gets caught. In the interest of saving Guy, Damien punches the blob so hard it EXPLODES, whereupon Guy is dropped into the water, Who then believes he is drowning. Damien and Guy escape by the seat of their pants, trapping the tentacle beast in the sewers! With the possible "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going" scene over, our two heroes return to the family, cat in tow, to claim their reward.

The shop in question is a candy store, and because the cat was the mascot of the business, the owners are very glad to have it back. In addition, IT HAS LASER BEAMS COMING FROM ITS EYES. How cool is that?! As a reward for returning Fluffles, Damien and Guy get a ton of free candy! But the question still remains... Tentacle Monsters?! In our sewers?!

A quick internet search reveals the source of the monster to be magical influxes! A call to Magus Margery reveals nothing new, since an assistant answers. Just that it’s probably magical influxes that take place near Greenwood. SO DAMIEN AND GUY ARE GOING TO HIGHSCHOOL!


But first Guy needs a shower.


SO OFF TO SHODAN’S HOUSE THEY GO!

Shodan is not pleased by the return of our smelly heroes, but sewers tend to reek. So she pulls out a tarp, makes Damien take off his shoes, and watches in dismay as Guy tromps to the shower, tracking sewer gunk all over. Also he clogs the shower but manages to fix it before anything TOO bad happens.

"SHODAN WE FOUND A THING AND...."
“YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHEN YOU DON’T SMELL LIKE ASS.”

After a quick shower, Damien offers Peter a gummy bear, which makes cute growling sounds at him and says “EAT ME!” He puts it on his shoulder and names it Fred. He then believes the TV is glaring at him, and attempts to turn it around. Unsurprisingly, Peter is on drugs again. I suppose a better question would be when did he ever STOP taking drugs... Huh, we've never seen him sober. Interesting. Shodan starts dragging him around, and thrashing is involved. Then Peter, out only medic, begins to freak out and froth before calming down. Guy manages to come out of the shower nude. Then he gets dressed successfully, thank god. In Shodan’s clothing… And then SHODAN JOINED THE PARTY GOING TO THE HIGHSCHOOL YEAH! But she needs to disinfect the house first cause Guy tracked in some sludge.

Then Damien and Guy go to the DRONE STORE! Shodan is busy cleaning for 30 minutes. When Guy and Damien arrive at Damien’s apartment, THEY NOTICE THE DOOR HAS BEEN FORCED OPEN! As they attempt to enter, Guy gets netted! TWICE! Damien managed to dodge, and comes face to face with a grizzled, skeevy looking guy and a giant robot. And because Damien is a shitty liar, he spills the beans. He is then told that someone ratted him out, and only one name comes to mind.

"PEEEEEEEEEEEETE!"

Muenster, the Robot, and Boba Feta, begin attacking. Damien manages to dodge around the robot after some hits to get his gun. THEN GUY’S CREEPY SPRITE SHOWS UP. It's his Machine Sprite, RCA Studios, or Rica, who sounds like a sex offender. Rica manages to get into the Dragonfly Guy just bought, and attempts to interface with Muenster. Muenster’s pretty terrifying, and attempts to chase Damien, but is too distracted by the dragonfly currently hammering his head to get a solid blow in. Then Guy summons his hacking sprite, Storm Worm, who bitches about this being below his pay grade. Damien manages to get around the robot again, and fails miserably at shooting Feta. Guns aren't his strong suit.

As Guy manages to tie himself up with one arm, Damien gets punched across the room. He attempts to blind Boba and Muenster by using a flash bang he found on the entrance table. He manages to drop it at his feet, where it explodes but still blinds Boba. Damien then attempts to blow up his arm. Robot arms are kind of always in danger when Damien's around. He then gets punched through a window and waves to Harvestine, who is coming home from MAGIC SCHOOL. Then the fire from earlier ignites all 300 of Harvestine's grenades, which blows up the apartment.


MEANWHILE

A new character makes an appearance, an AI named Lydia. She'd taken over a bot, and was examining Peter's old apartment, trying to find Pete's trail. Looks like our bastards aren't the only ones trying to find him. After some talking, a new group appears on the scene...

Sailors accost Peter. For those of you wondering why the hell there are sailors, it's pretty simple. There's a brothel employing pretty much ONLY sailors. And Peter and Harvestine borrowed a boat, then demolished said boat. Since Peter did the main dealings, they remember him. For some reason, everyone seems to have a phallus gun besides the Bastards, including these sailors. They proceed to threaten Peter... When Shodan acts. After a moment of chaos, thanks to Peter's World of Chaos spell, one guy is simultaneously swallowing a grenade and having an inappropriate gun shoved in an inappropriate place, and our three heroes are bolting for the rooftops, where no self-respecting sailor would think to look for a foe. Shodan and Lydia did a bit of talking, and realized they were after the same goal: Pete "THAT MOTHERFUCKER" November.


Meanwhile again, Harvestine calls TNT. She needs more grenades. And then a bunch of molepeople show up and make her Queen. And by Queen, we mean kill. In the next instant, Molepeople are holding guns much too big for them to use, and begin opening fire on our group. So Guy does what anyone with a big robot cat would do. GO KAIJU ON THEM. He is soon stained with the blood of the innocent, and realizes that being a monster is kinda fun.


Two old friends show up! Muenster and Feta! So Guy decides to ram headlong into Muenster and attempt to hack it. Feta attempts to shoot him, but Guy manages to get away. That Lynx also makes for a handy ride, and catches up with Damien and Harvestine. A new terror reveals itself at this point... Mole people with helicopter backpacks. Luckily for us, they don't have much control over direction, so they just kind of float by.


One scene transition later, Shodan is called by Harvestine and Damien, who inform her of Pete’s betrayal. Then, Shodan gets a call from Renraku, who inform her of Pete’s location! YAY! The location is a mine north of town.
One rather interesting fleeing scene to Shodan's apartment later, everyone takes a moment to rest and recuperate. Shodan then tries to get the Molepeople to follow us while we destroy Pete. SUCCESS, then Guy manages to hijack five cars. Five. Fucking. Cars. Once the entourage reaches the Mine parking lot, they notice an old dump truck parked outside. Damien momentarily contemplates stealing the engine, but thinks better of it.

Our heroes head to the mines, only to discover that Pete's Commlink was left here... How curious. Once played, a worrying message plays from our old "Friend" Pete Motherfucking November.

"Yo, cashed in your bounties cause I needed the money. What can I say? Smell ya later, losers!"

Shortly after hearing this message, we hear a worrying thing. Police sirens. And police officers. Never a good combination. Turns out Guy hacked SO FAST he forgot to turn off the silent alarms in the cars. Whoops.

"GUY PETERSON WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP SO WE CAN ARREST AND OR SHOOT YOU."

So Guy and Shodan get a great idea. Have Guy pretend to be Pete, and confess to all the crimes Guy got blamed for that were actually Pete's fault. IT WORKS. But the comm is inside the building, so…

"IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING!" So our predicament gets even worse. As a swat team prepares to get into the building, our team begins to fear for the worst. So Damien, naturally, turns on his chameleon suit and begins sneaking. He and Guy make their way upstairs as Peter and Harvestine knock out the first group of Swat members. It was a short turn, with our team decimating the Seattle police department's finest. Damien and Guy attempt to head upstairs to turn on the robots while Peter begins to snipe. Some of the Police Snipers shoot at where Damien was, and thanks to Peter's drugs, they look like REALLY long and freaky fingers. "I won't let them get you Damien." Even though he was across the building, Damien felt the protection of Peter, and the bonds of Brohood began to form. Guy got included too because Guy is awesome.

So here's where things start getting... Improvised. Damien and Guy turn on the robots and realize that a way out is needed. So Damien does what NO ONE expects. He tucks Guy into a drawer of a desk and chucks it out the window. He leaps out shortly after, and no bullets are shot at either him, or the desk! Thus begins Damien's daring sneak through ALL the cops to obtain a ride outta there for the Bastards.

However, the barricade still poses a problem. Not one to be deterred by logic or legal explosive limits, Harvestine begins eyeing the Canary bots, which are used to suck up posionous gasses. Also explosive ones. And store them. So basically, they're walking timebomb bots for Harvestine to play with. And BOY does she play. Rigs a bunch of them to explode, lets them outside, and blows the hell out of the barricade.

Lydia's been having a small meltdown, and Shodan and her have been having Therapy Jam time in the corner during all of this, for those wondering where they were.

Damien manages to get to the dump truck, still invisible, and the engine roars to life. Within moments, he backs into the door to the mines, loads up his friends and two mining robots, and gets the hell out of there!

As our heroes make their escape, a familiar pair block the road to freedom. Muenster and Feta. They launch into a speech as two men in suits walk up, and the two bounty hunters are liquefied. Damien begins to scream for Guy to floor it, as he's recognized these two as Saeder-Krupp agents, from his past. Turns out there's more than one bounty on the man. As they flee the horrifyingly overpowered hunters, Damien hears echoes in his mind. "We know you're here, Mister Tanner. We're coming for you."

As the team begins to settle down outside of Shodan's apartment, ANOTHER familiar face appears. The Ninja Driver from last heist, Inigo Pulp. He's enraged that Shodan mercilessly beat his brother to death, and has come for revenge! Unfortunately, he is quickly mowed down by every ninja's weakness, bullet overkill.

As our session of comeuppance comes to an end, Shodan receives a phone call... From who? About what? Is it even the right number? FOR THESE ANSWERS AND MORE, TUNE IN TO NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE, "ADVENTURES IN HOUSE SITTING!"

SESSION FOUR AFTERMATH

Hey Guy! Saw your ass on the news.

Wow you bitches don’t mess around do you? Grats on the title Mr. Public-Enemy-Number-One. Roflcopter. When I heard over the police bands that they had your ass pinned in the coal mine I thought you were cybertoast but NOPE.avi you just explode half the police force!

Not that I don’t mind the occasional bacon barbeque, but you definitely made things mighty interesting. Lonetard just lost against EvoCrap in the courts and with other recent events *cough*you guys*cough* sounds like they’re losing the police contract here. Dunno who’s picking it up yet, but the cybergrapevine says Renraku’s got their eye on it. I’d love to see what happens when your crew crosses paths with a direborg platoon!

Anyways get on the net sometime, I wanna kick your cyberass in CoD:47

Chao



P.S. Do you know anything about the rats around here building a shrine to your chubby friend? How the hell do they even know what a toga is?




Caramel Karma:

While no official mission was assigned to the bastards this week, y’all did manage to survive all of Pete’s traps and tricks so 2 Karma all around.

For Interspecies Ambassadoring, and Gernades are Everywhere, Harv is blessed with 2 Karma.

For Ugh Leadership, and Revenge Driven, Shodan hunts down 2 Karma, but no Pete.

For On the Lamb, and In Over Her Head, Lydia stumbles into 2 Karma and a cyberbuttload of drama.

For Knowing When to Fold ‘Em, Knowing When to Hold Her, and Knowing When to Kill the Fuck Out of Snipers, Peter tallys up 3 Karma.

For Plucky Sidekicking, Going Mad With Violence, and Commanding the Drone Army, Guy warrants 3 Karma and a Warrant.

For Solving Mysteries, Punching Bad Guys, Saving the Day, and Realizing Just Who He’s Pissed Off, Damien get 4 Karma all in a day’s work.


Swag:

Shodan gets 3 more squatters and respect from the local rat populace.

Harvestine’s persistence has paid off; a tribe of rats worship her as Goddess.

Guy somehow snags 2 large mining drones worth about 9000 nuyen each.

SHOPPING AT GOODWILLS, STARRING DAMIEN AND PETEST

“So you are back,” Billy Blanc raised an eyebrow. “Damien.”

“Yep, yep,” Damien said, trying to act casual. “Just need to pull some clothes from the charity bin. Not exactly unethical to take clothes people don't need anymore, right?”

“Right.” Blanc said. “And you brought along a friend.”

As if on cue, Guy waved. He was behind Damien. He was still missing an arm. He was also still wearing Shodan's little black dress. Lydia, it still said on the dress – thought the red faded to a grody maroon. Guy smiled, not exactly helping Blanc dissuade his deepest suspicion that this elf was, perhaps, a psychopath.

“Your friend is starting to freak me out.”

“Well, that is what he is usually,” Damien made motions with his hands. “I would say he's traumatized.”

“Excuse me, ladies,” Guy walked past Blanc and Damien, heels clicking on the tile floor. His heels were clicking because he was also wearing Shodan's five-thousand nuyen heels. They were black with tiny silk flowers inlaid with man-made diamonds. They were pleasantly minimalistic and made of the finest chamois ever to grace the Sixth World. They were also on Guy's feet. Blanc tried not to vomit on the spot.

“I would say he's traumatizing me,” Blanc said.

“You get used to it,” Damien said, attempting to brush this off as though this happened every day.

“Wait, isn't he a criminal?” Blanc asked.

“Nah, how can you call that face incriminating?” Damien said. Even though every television screen on display was going “GUY PETERSON IS THE AMERICAN'S MOST WANTED ALSO HE IS A VERY TERRIBLE METAHUMAN BEING HERE IS WHY,” listing the many crimes he did that were, in fact, actually done by Pete.

“Well, I thought his face looked familiar,” Blanc shrugged. Behind him, a television screen showed Guy's unflattering portrait (taken during his brief tenure in EvoCorp) in virtua-high definition. A triumph and a waste of scientific progress.

“Yup,” Damien surreptitiously shut off the screen. A nearby group of customers started to complain.

“Also where he go?” Blanc asked.

“Hey guys, does this make my butt look fat?”

Guy came out, smiling as though he just won a million bucks. Though, he didn't look like a million bucks considering he looked like a thrift store took a dump on him over him. On his head, there was a rainbow-colored hat (polyester, eye searing, awful). He wore like a shirt (cotton, has an unicorn and a rainbow on the front), Capri pants (nylon, hot pink), and a horribly purple sweater (dunno what material but it looks more fungus than wool, to be honest). Draped around his neck, there was a scarf that looked like a dead animal (and it was in fact, actually, an dead animal). And for some reason, a red tie (silk, boring).

And he still wore Shodan's heels.

“Well?” Guy smiled, oblivious to the jaws swinging in the open.

Damien crossed his arms. “Well.”

“Well,” Billy Blanc had no idea what to do. He was not an expert on the aesthetics, but he knew some people who are. He dramatically called the FASHION POLICE on the FASHION PHONE, which turned out to be a blue rotary phone decorated with sequins and glitter. He doesn't know why the FASHION POLICE didn't use a Commlink but hey, who was he to judge when they are this fabulous.

A rainbow-colored Prius (it kinda weird that production survived to 2072, but whatever) kicked around the corner, knocking over a box of tampons. An disco ball on an antennae bobbed into view as two men walked out of the eyesore of a car. They were the burliest men Damien ever saw, even more so than the prostitute sailors from Session 3. And damn, were they swag. Damien wanted to be offended at their clothes, but, but, but, they was so goddamn beautiful.

“Ess. Eff. Pee. Dee,” the cop on the right spelled out with a clearly fake French accent. He had an rainbow-dyed beard and his uniform hugged uncomfortably close to his rippled muscles. There was also the words “GOOD COP” written on his chest in hot-pink glitter. Damien decided to assume that was his actual name.

“Seattle Fashion Police Department.” Good Cop made a pose that would be described as “sassy.”

“You are under arrest for crimes against humanity and good taste,” a smaller but equally as muscular man snipped. His officer's cap changed colored every two seconds and he looked more appropriate for a rave club than on the beat. “BAD COP”, it claimed in rainbow-sequins on his butt. Damien decided that was his name. Damien also decided to advert his eyes.

Guy being the most charismatic decided to choose his words wisely.

“I'm innocent!” He blurted.

Damien couldn't help but put a hand onto his forehead in empathetic embarrassment.

“Innocent until proven guilty, and you, my friend, are guilty as hell to me,” Bad Cop growled, taking out the most eye-offendingly colored magnum ever. “You should be glad we aren't going to drag your sorry ass into some shindig but you should be shamed. Did you forget what daddy told you?”

“I don't have a dad,” Guy said.

“Well, uh. Huh,” Bad Cop lowered his gun down. He turned to Good Cop. “Your turn.”

Good Cop swaggered like a drunk man but somehow managed to walk in a straight line because fashion. He stopped comfortably close to Guy, who could smell the needlessly expensive perfume and see every single strand of his beard. Guy noticed each follicle was painstakingly dyed to a different color. Guy was terrified.

“I am afraid you have to come with us,” Good Cop looked down even those Guy was at least one and half head taller than him.

“Why?” Guy asked.

“Excuse me but you have a dead ermine around your neck. Like a real dead one,” Good Cop pinched his nose. “Isn't that a case for the fact you look like a big mistake.”

“Well, I am a big mggGGzzskkkst--”

Guy fell on the floor, twitching and bearing a slightly higher voltage than his surroundings. Good Cop sniffed as he blew on his TASER (custom-built so it was also a bottle of perfume, an eyeliner, and a knife) as though it was a gun and put it away in the most truncated, yet, stylish way possible.

“Dude!” Bad Cop walked up. “I thought I was Bad Cop!”

“Only on weekends,” Good Cop sass-posed to Bad Cop.

“It's Monday, smartass,” Bad Cop snipped. “Now help me dress this asshole.”

Damien and Billy Blanc looked as the FASHION POLICE begin to strip Guy down to his undies, which turned out to be white boxers with blue stripes. Good Cop and Bad Cop had debated whether to strip him down to his birthday suit but decided it was way too generic for their expertise to handle. They then dragged the elf to be dressed in a more universally accepted combination of clothes.

Damien turned to his boss. “So...why does Goodwill have Fashion Police.”

Blanc shrugged. “I really don't know.”

But you, the reader, shall know! Emergence of corporations had been widely considered to be a plus in the Sixth World but like most things in real life (if this could be considered, real life), this was not without some unintended side effects. One unfortunate side effect was the emergence of fashion disasters – a result of Goodwill expanding into the more niche (read: sexual) interests of the metahuman market. Lack of regulation had proven how much of a gravitas the fine line between edginess and poor taste was. It was to the point that Barack Obama would had nuked Seattle in an effort to look less embarrassing to his international peers.

This was why the Seattle Fashion Police Department (SFPD) exists. To protect the innocent. To serve good taste. If it were not for their existence, Seattle would had been a smoldering crater.

“Interesting,” Damien contemplated the information that just came out of the blue.

“Tanner, who are you talking to?” Blanc asked.

“I really don't know,” Damien shrugged and pretended to be busy with some game magazines.

It was at this point that Guy came bum-rushing out with a bundle of clothes in his arms, dropping about one-eighth onto the ground. He had a dress shirt-red tie combo on him and expression on his face that he had been caught with his pants down. He also had no pants.

“Oh hey, Damien,” Guy smiled. “Gotta go.”

Damien tried not to look at Guy's boxers, but they were so goddamn generic.

“Gotta go. Go. Go,” Guy begin to fumble around for his Commlink. '

“Why--”

As if on cue, the FASHION POLICE barged in – just as fabulous as ever. There were furious expressions on their face and two guns. Good Cop had his makeup running. Bad Cop was applying makeup for him. They had furious expressions on their face. Why are they furious? You may ask. It is because Fashion Police Department is a subsidiary of Lone Star, and thus, technically police.

“YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THE LAW, GUY PETERSON.”

It was pretty clear that Good Cop's accent was, in fact, Californian.

“TRY ME!” Guy shouted back.

In reply, Good Cop and Bad Cop both took out their magnums and proceeded to shoot at the ceiling. More lights were damaged than civilians intimidated. You really have to start wondering how much they were actually been paid.

“Lynx's in the back,” Guy said to Damien. Guy wore a pair of sunglasses for added effect and also because he wanted to looked cool. “Let's go.”

To the befuddlement of Billy Blanc, Guy and Damien hitched onto the Steel Lynx and galloped into the sunset. Clothes on their back. FASHION POLICE on their tail. Bastardly as ever.

"Early" is the new normal.