Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Livelist

1. Schazer
2. Not The Author
3. Akumu
4. Seedy
5. SupahKiven
6. Palamedes
7. Granolaman
8. Coldblooded
9. TehPilot
10. amosmyn
11. Phish
12. Ixcaliber
13. LegendaryQ
14. Sruixan
15. Acionyx
16. Truegreen

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Package #1

Granolaman - 2 (Granolaman, Acionyx)

Package #2

Granolaman - 2 (Truegreen, Acionyx)

Shopping List

In Cart

Seedy - China Pug Garden Ornament
Truegreen - Repellant Soft Frog, 70 Metallic X, Sanitary Materials, UES, Tableware
amosmyn - Real Artificial Lawn (25 square meters), Repellant Soft Frog
SupahKiven - 4 Portable Toilet
Not The Author - Sanitary Materials
Palamedes - Unti-Slip Mat, A Goldfish Bowl, Jumpin' Jack Bag, Pekingese Lawn Ornament
TehPilot - Portable Power Supply
Schazer - Portable Power Supply, Motor Screw Driver, Shovel, Kotatsu Leg Step
Granolaman - 6kg Fertilizer, Food Packer, Humidity Control Agent (large),
Sruixan - Vegetable Growing Kit, Plant Tag
Coldblooded - Compressing Bag, Turtle-Shaped Doorknob, Ampersand, Galvanized Steel Trash Can
Acionyx - Shovel, Wheeled Trash Can, 12 Green Toilet Mat, 36 Ceramic Corgi Lawn Ornament, 20lb Tassels, N's, O's, R's, A's, P's, T's

Acionyx seems to have the unique power of packing things extremely efficiently, as he gets away with cramming all his purchases into one cumbersome but mobile bundle. The rest of the crowd round out their purchases, leaving 4 shankers yet to sample Handsman's fine wares.

...well it doesn't seem fair for one person to have BOTH packages...

Package #2: Unvote

*shrug* elect package 2: Granola

hmmm...

Elect Package 1: Truegreen

I care not for the packages.

But... I will get a Dachsund Lawn Ornament

Detective Carl Garland, currently suffering from the world's worst hangover, stumbles into the Handsman Supermarket. He wasn't looking good; his eyes were glazed over, his semi-rotten skin slick with sweat, his hair a tangled mess. His once cool looking stubble had through lack of maintenance become the beginnings of a shitty beard, and was encrusted with drink spit and flecks of vomit. It was only the fact that he was moving with such purpose that gave the Handsman Staff pause in whether or not to remove him from the premises.

Using a shopping trolley for support he careened from aisle to aisle, smashing through elaborate displays not on purpose but simply because he was lacking the necessary reaction time to dodge them. He grabbed a portable power supply, a tray of tools, a Vista Paolo flag and a music CD by an artist he didn't recognise.

Aware of the less than friendly looks he was getting from the thicket of Handsman Security Guards that were now following him through the store he hurried to the till, dumped the entire contents of his wallet out as payment and fled the premises.

Okay I'ma order some shit so what would be good for a zombie? How about:

One Motor Screw Driver
One Galvanized Steel Trash Can
One Shovel
One Steam Cleaner

SpoilerShow

Whew. I just felt a chill go down my back. It could be an omen. A portent of some dark creature rising from the darkness of death. Perhaps dark machine, powered by hellfire and the souls of the damned.

...

...

Nah, probably just a draft.

I believe what you're feeling is the cold dread of COMMUNISM, where if one is shanked, all are shanked. You must be prepared to fight for shanking freedom, my friend.

I think I'll also get a Shovel, you know, the cross shaped one. The efficient model.

Night Five: So Long And Thanks For All The Plankton

As the day drew to a close, the remaining whale duellists had surreptitiously entered the Whale Dimension for one final duty - the long-awaited WHALE AWARD CEREMONY.

In true Whale Dimension fashion, this meant what felt like moments to those in Vista Paolo spanned a good half of a year for the intrepid one-lobster news crew following them on their cetacetastic journey.

This is their story.

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Hello loyal Nautilus News Network viewers, Rocky the Rock Lobster here with the scoop on this Whale-duel's long-awaited AWARD CEREMONY!

I'm joined by... no-one, because they didn't trust anyone but good ol' me to follow them down here. But don't worry, I'm on the case!

LtFish

As you can see, the whale portal was as intimidating as ever, but we made it through in one piece, and we're only a couple months' travel away from the ELDER WHALE PALACE. Now, someone might've mentioned a ceremony with the Elder Whales commemorating their victory already - and while I can't say anything about that, let me tell you that palace is one heck of a place. We might even be able to get you fine viewers out there a glimpse if you're lucky!

LtFish

Day 85. We've crossed the Baleen Trenches and made good time through the Humpback Mountains, leaving only the Beluga Wastes between us and the Elder Whales' sanctuary. The Spermicorn guardians of the Wastes are fearsome indeed, but the honorable Whale Duellists receive the safe passage befitting their stature. As for little old me, well, us rock lobsters have our tricks.

LtFish

We've arrived! The Whave rises to greet us to Elder Whaleton, home of the Elder Whales. Taking any photographs outside of the designated press zones is strictly forbidden - the Elder Whales like their privacy, you understand - but I managed to sneak this snap while their melons were distracted.

LtFish

This might look like a bunch of sand, but that's because it's actually the first human-dimension camera photo of the Whale Awards. Obviously your inferior technology fails to capture the astral majesty of Elder Whaleton's palatial estates, but it's an interesting insight into how the place'd look to you land-dwellers.

Dalm

Now that's more like it! The Elder Whale's Emissary took the stage with aplomb, their mighty flipper-gongs ringing in the Whale Duel's conclusion. The shockwaves forced all but the ultimate victor (and me!) out of the Whale Dimension, as per tradition - and in my humble opinion this last contestant standing could not deserve it more!

Oh, what? You want me to join you up there? Well I suppose we were quite a team... but what an honor! Sorry folks, I'm going to have cut this coverage short, once-a-century chance and all that!

A Reminder

Plaid

Thanks to LtFish, Dalm and Plaid for their image contributions!

Sruixan, please contact me with some address details if you want to receive your MIGHTY TROPHY (and probably some bonus prize) in physical form.

Granolaman won BOTH packages.

It is now NIGHT FIVE. For as long as it takes me to get Day Six up and running.

Day Six: The Handsman Cometh

As daylight shines once more over the Vista Paolo, something has changed. Something that has improved the quality of life for all those left standing in the what can now charitably be called wreck of a resort.

Sure, the hotel might be missing three stories. And the outskirts have been blown to kingdom come. And the local Handsman has been looted, leaving noble Handsman's first international expansion a total failure.

But the whales have left. The incessant whale noises and whale smells have receded with the tide, and the few bitches still fighting for control of Vista Paolo can finally focus on what's really important: killing each other for profit.

No-one cares about the ominous not-quite-clouds floating in the sky. No-one bothers to check the ANOMALY READER still active in the NEWSCOPTER wreckage that made it out of MalkyTop's implosion.

No, what's really important is that

Bigro has RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE.

and that several poor shankers aren't around to enjoy this new, whale-free morning with the rest of you.


Ixcaliber was ZOMBIE CARL GARLAND, a ZOMBIE SHANKER. As a ZOMBIE SHANKER he had been brought back from the dead and gained one charge of ZOMBIE STRENGTH to protect him from regular shankings. He was shanked twice!

Akumu was a ZOMBIE SHANKER. He was shanked once, messily.

SupahKiven was a REGULAR SHANKER. He was shanked once, messily!

Palamedes was THE GODFATHER SHANKER. His reputation had been pristine, mostly because he was an expert at cleaning up after himself. He would check as town to any investigative roles. Alas, that wasn't any help when he was stuck in a resort with 70 stab-happy lunatics. He resolved to be the last man standing instead. As the Rikollisryhmä Kingpin, Palamedes receives a HALF-WIN for ensuring the demise of Detective Carl Garland before his own.

Detective Carl Garland, for no good reason, receives a QUARTER-WIN for not un-un-dying before the death of the Rikollisryhmä Kingpin.

TehPilot was a CHATTY SHANKER. And boy that must've gotten on some other shanker's nerves, because he was shanked THREE TIMES.

Truegreen was a REGULAR SHANKER. He was shanked once.


With those bitches done and dusted, it's time to move on to making even more of them! Probably with the help of your HANDSMAN SWAG.

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For those of you that are still alive: during the course of this day, please describe what SWEET INVENTION you've managed to cobble together overnight out of the stuff you got from Handsman yesterday in your quicktopic.

Repeat: in your quicktopic.

It should involve all the items you picked up, and only those items. You cannot explicitly assign your invention a power. Fishing for one is okay (not encouraged), but be warned:

Your inventions may end up more or less effective/powerful depending on the style, panache, and general creativity embodied in your descriptions. More words is not necessarily better!

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Well? Get to it!

Livelist

1. Schazer
2. Not The Author
3. Seedy
4. Granolaman
5. Coldblooded
6. amosmyn
7. Phish
8. LegendaryQ
9. Sruixan
10. Acionyx
11. Bigro

With 11 players alive, it takes 6 votes to groupshank. Day deadline is in 144 hours or at 1:00 PM EST on Saturday, April 11th.

Shankvote: Acionyx

Congratulations Sriuxan, that trophy was certainly whale earned.

Shankvote: Bigro

Now that's a fine piece of architecture!

Well, thats only SLIGHLTY ominous

Damn I can feel the resort's property value skyrocketing just by looking at it.

Shankvote: Bigro

Geothermal activity may prove hazardous for short-term health, but the value it adds to the land through turnover and fertile soil is not to be underestimated!

What I'm saying is please put me down for an estate in this hot new property section. We'll sort out the financials later.

Shankvote: Bigro

Is it possible to invest in stocks for this fine piece of work?

SpoilerShow

When I offhandedly mentioned the other night I wanted to be "impaled" this is not what I meant

oh my god I just realised, Carl Garland's mission was real