The 2am thread

Hey note to fucking self, post in a battle sometime this fucking year so you can hurry up and start lording it over the people you, on occasion, think of as friends . Also I guess finish all your other errands for the people you don't actually give a shit about.

Being reliant on the approval of others might be a hell of a drug, but it's arguably the with drawl symptoms that are a hell of a lot worse

There is like reasonably decent all odds that the following is directed at you:

Seriously, fucking can it would you
Sincerely, the management

Foolish mortal I am the police

My opinions are the objectively correct Hot shit so it's lucky for you sons of fucks I'm socially conditioned to first and foremost spare your gosh dang feelings

Infants

It's seven minds of refreshing to be angry in a direction that isn't inward for once

The world's a fuck and im done being nice and inoffensive and face-savey when the people who I predominantly waste that shit on would never have it occur to them to reciprocate

Deescalation and conflict resolution got me lip service and a dead forum and thank god for my main man Pines honestly

That shit was my /life/ for a while and in retrospect that is hilarious. Where do I get off demanding respect if I'm not even going to make an effort to summon it up for myself

Fuck pity give me vengeance

MSPA was the first community where I got the sense that mean-spiritedness was not the height of humor and was unobtrusively phased out of the socially-acceptable community core. Irony wasn't the Hot New Meme yet and being genuine to the point of fucking corny was trendy

I'm glad we managed to keep the first part of that in our latest community incarnation at least. Good job team

Seriously fuck you Brian. I was a shitty desperate teen trying to preserve something that meant a lot to me at the time and you couldn't give two locked and archived shits. My best qualities as a moderator in your eyes were probably "Placated that particular rabble from complaining" and "never caused a fuss or demanded anything".

I'll do better. I'll sometimes lose my temper and apparently be a spiteful weight-throwing-around badmin in your shitty footsteps

But I'll try not to drag my feet on ever admitting if I stop giving a shit cuz people who look up to me (confused but thanks) deserve they much

Whoops

I've'm been expressing my anger and frustrations - from the relationship-wrecking to the excruciatingly petty - a lot easier of late, which I guess is an improvement on bottling that shit up and struggling to make my inevitable breakdown sound justified desite of how minor each of its constituent beefs are

The trouble is

I don't feel bad for being a jerk?

I have an acknowledgement of the fact I broke my own personal ethos/rules That Must Be Followed To B A Good Person

But without the capacity to engage in self-loathing I don't actually,emotionally respond to the above fact

It's in the abstract, and without the self-inflicted punishment it's just a game without a lose condition.
I'll keep playing by the rules but I'm "scared" (in the abstract) what will happen if it stops being a worthwhile challenge to me to live this way

If I get bored and move on to something else

If my natural inclination when I'm happy is to be a prize asshole

I might be better off (happier, even) sad

schazer you deserve to be happy and not sad and i dont think that you being happy means you turn into an asshole i think that your standards for your own level of meanness is maybe unrealistic or too high and that you arent as mean as you think you are if you were a jerk i dont think that you would be feeling like this and im sorry that you do feel like you expressing yourself can only manifest in a way that you feel is too mean or what have you i dont thinkthat is the case though and i like you and you are good

anyway nothings good and i should go to bed but i cant i never can when i want and i hate it and i hate myself and i feel like theres infinite things wrong with me and all i see in my future is a pitch blackness that will consume me and destroy me, if i dont just break down into pieces all bymyself

my life if i made some different choices isnt worth living but i dont know if my current life is worth living i didnt ask for this

my favorite lie i tell myself is that im going to be ok and that everythings going to be ok

its actually incredible and a miracle that ive never been in an abusive relationship/friendship

I tried to go to bed early because I have work tomorrow and a really hard scene but I can't sleep because I'm having a panic attack

WHY DO I SUFFER

im scared and paranoid constantly every fucking day l m a o

anytime im positive about something about myself i feel like im lying and its a lie

Welp. I'm gonna be tired tomorrow. The whole 'sleep' thing doesnt seem to be workin' out. I wish this anxiety would stop. That'd be nice.