Let's Play: A Terrible Experience

So, for everyone's clarity, you cannot actually purchase anything for sale in the Mistery Shop. They are just there for ~flavor~; the actual wares are just hints for progression. A sexy little girl for sale is just something the creator found funny or desirable, which is its own ball of problematic, but at least spares me the indignity of having to indulge in a pederasty-based trading sequence.

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SpoilerAlright, well… After a round of intense counselling and repeatedly reassuring myself that the best way to vengeance myself on the person who inflicted this experience on me is to keep playing the game and tear it to shreds, I'm back off to adventuring in Horrible PedoWorld! Let's begin.



First off is the completion of my Buy All The Things quest. The tile's the last Thing to Buy, so I collect some rupees from some monsters and a lot of grass as far away from the Mistery[sic][sick] shop as I can. Then I buy it, now I have it.



I can now cross gaps automatically, as if by magic. Hooray!

Unfortunately, literally nowhere that's opened up by its acquisition is helpful. Whose big dumb idea was it to buy something clearly unnecessary?

I guess it's time to go feed the dang priest, see where that takes us. Listen to his whole spiel again. Ugh. I realize that the way NPC conversations are handled in this game are a consequence of the limitations of the software used to design it rather than the designer himself, but geeeez. At least he could have made sure to write conversations you'd hear multiple times as short. I don't need an explanation of every item in a shop every time I go in!



Priest successfully enfishenned. Not even a thank you? See if I ever feed the hungry again!



Above, there's just the mas- legendary sword up on a plinth. Behind three indentations shaped like key items from Ocarina of Time. Whatever could it mean? No sense stickin' around with nothing to do here. McGuffinlogue implicitly updated.

There's a bit more exploring to do in Hyrule field, and a few map markers indicating places I can enter.



Places like this! Not gonna lie, every time I find a secluded little house, I'm going to have to spend a minute composing myself, worrying it's gonna be another Mistery Shop. That's classical conditioning for ya!



Inside are a couple of witches and a blob. Nobody has anything to say, despite the text box hovering ominously overhead. Maybe this is some kind of secretive potion club you have to earn membership into.

Or maybe you just have to use the bottle on the witch because she can't be programmed to check your inventory. Probably that one.



without my special
blue potions!
Hihihihehehihihehe!
Myra: This place is odd,
please don't buy these
suspicious things!

At the moment, I have little intention of so doing. 90 rupees for a full dose? Daaang, shit be crazy. Total wastenado of my 90 bucksonsoon when I've only got three max hearts anyway.

But now I want to! Don't nag me, woman!

I guess this'll be worth remembering later on when I've got more health to need replenishing. Speaking of…



Why, a secret hole! A secret hole which is kind of rendered unsecret by the fact that it's marked on my map, but… Whatever. A secret hole. What could be in here?



Turns out, a handful of deku scrubs that drop a heart piece when killed. Neat. And just a few screens away…



A bunch of bandits that drop a heart piece when killed! This game's givin' 'em away like cheap cigars. Haven't even hit a dungeon yet and I'm three pieces deep, plus all the ones lying out in the open that just need a key item to reach.



Turns out they're pretty necessary, though, because…



As you find out upon discovering this place...



fast, but in fact they
die fast. Avoiding
is better than curing!

Hylian healthcare is overtly lethal, as the doctor cheerfully points out.



shortage for hundreds of
years! Milk is healthy
but not advised
in the case of most
illnesses. Use some
Potions instead.

Seems a little macabre to add an entire area the only point of which is to explain how malnourished and diseased everyone in the game is. Fortunately, there's also a practical purpose to the hospital: talking to the crone in the main room fully restores your hearts for no charge! So, you know, if you're hurt and can afford the time and effort to trek all the way across Hyrule through hordes of enemies on every screen, you can get healed.

Real handy. Whatever. Moving along.



To the south, there is what appears to be a dead parrot. I cannot interact with it. I cannot find a purpose for it. Perhaps the whole game is a great work of Dada! "A young girl is sold into sex slavery. Outside, a parrot rots in the grass. Armored men frolic through the flowers on their way to oppress the peasantry. Wide angle shot of a priest with a fish. Fin."



Exploration continues with a lot of dead screens and listless enemies. Eventually, I come across a house in a lake. I feel like this sort of bears out my Surreal Comedy hypothesis.



things are happening.
For example, the heavy
rain of DeathMt made
the water to flood this
area. My granddaughter

Or maybe not. Dammit, and denial was working so well, too!

went on an adventure but
never returned. The
thieves are very active
nowadays, but those
DarkNuts are even worse!
They stole almost all
all of my belongings
while I was sleeping!
Even the precious items
of my granddaughter are
missing!
Myra: *crying*
Knil: Did this touch you
so much?
Myra: Yes, so sad. *cry*
Old lady: Yes! *crying*

You can really FEEL the anguish. I add Avenge Old Lady to the sidequestdex, then promptly burn the sidequestdex because I strongly suspect there are probably no genuinely optional missions in this game. Let's see what else there is to see.



To fill out the form
for this time, you need
to pay 15 rupees.
Knil: So, we need to
pay toll for a simple
tresspassing?

Trespassing wants to be free, maaan!

God, Knil is an idiot.

Myra: Psst… Don't
start trouble, Love!

Too late, stupid.

So, it looks like there's a fair amount more to see in the direction I'm headed, so I decide to take the teleport and see where it heads, then come back and finish exploring later. Turns out, it's just a shortcut to the other side of the map, where I've already explored thoroughly. And it's one-way. I just spend fifteen rupees for the privilege of having to walk all the way back to where I was.

Once I get there, I find out that I can't progress any further without a way to swim anyway. So I get to pay fifteen more rupees for the shortcut home.

Dammit.

Anyway, that's everything in Hyrule field. All that's left is to somehow get the Book of Mudora in Kakariko, buy the Mistery Shop's hints, and then head south to Zora's Domain. Since I've already bombed everything in Kakariko that looks even vaguely shutter-like, I'm going to head back to Depravityburg and tacitly support slavery and prostitution with my indirect dollars.



It shouldn't be problem
getting it, should it?

"Go to your house and get the item inside it." Totally worth ten rupees.



The northern door is
weaker than it looks

I don't remember any houses with bombs and beds, so I'll try to remember this for later.



The wall on the right
is just an illusion.
You should go shopping!

Are you friggin' kidding me? All those hints about weak shutters, and the answer was just "walk through the wall" this whole time? Christ.

Well, let's go get the book.



Let's look for the book
you mentioned earlier!
*Myra and Knil searches
through the books.*
Myra: I am frustrated!
This closed section
isn't a big deal at all!
Only naughty magazines,

Called it

rumour books and weird
philosophies… :(
Knil: There is it!!! The
Book of Mudora! Look!
It not only tells the
story of the legendary
sword, but we will be
able to translate old
inscriptions!
Myra: Let's read!
'Long, long ago, when
the world were on the
verge of swallowed by
darkness, the people of
Hyrule forged the MASTER
SWORD and defeated evil.
Then they placed the
MASTER SWORD in the…'
Knil: Unfortunately
the text breaks here,
but luckily continues
later:
'…of Time used the
MASTER SWORD to seal
the Evil King into the
Golden Land. However,
this way the Evil King
and his defeated allies
could reach the…'
Klin: Another break…

I love that Knil's name is misspelled here. I've been expecting this whole game that a character-name typo would show up, but I was expecting it to be Myra. I hope we're Kiln at some point too!

'of Light gathered the
three Ancient Artifacts
and so became able to
wield the MASTER SWORD.
He travelled through the
worlds and defeated the
King of Thieves. The
Dark World now supposed
to vanish. The Hero
wished for many things, but he forgot…'
Knil: That is all.
Myra: So, the Hero of
Hyrule defeated the Evil
King and the King of
Thieves? It's so hazy…
But at least we know
that in order to pull
pull the legendary sword
(which is surely the
Master Sword) we need
the three Artifacts.

I suppose this at least explains why we were so smug to the priest and where we heard "master sword" first. I mean, there's no reason for the designer to expect you'd get the book before you spoke to the priest, especially since the church is closer to town than the Mistery Shop, but at least it makes more sense than Protagonist Omniscience.

I happen to know them!
One is at south at Lake
Hylia, one is at the
north at Death Mountain
and the final is at the
west deep in the Lost
Woods. After exploring
Hyrule field, maybe
we should go to Lake

This, on the other hand, is total nonsense. Why would Myra know about the Ancient Artifacts? Why would she assume the ones she knows are the old forgotten ones from a forbidden book of ancient lore? How does she know where they are?

Ugh.

Hylia… OUCH! I stepped
on this stupid broken
glass! How much rubbish
are there! …. Hey, a
boomerang! Let's take
it! You would regret
Leaving this screen
without that item!

I don't know if this is intentional medium-acknowledgement that's supposed to come off as funny, or just lazy writing, but either way having the characters talk about "screens" makes me angry. Almost enough to make me forget to wonder who leaves a boomerang lying around a library.

Well, now I've officially got everything there is to get in this section of the world plus obtained a ranged weapon ex machina. Time to actually move towards the first dungeon!