Spoiler

First screen in and we're already off to a good start: sprites hastily recolored from a number of other games? Check.



Tortured syntax and poor choice of line breaks? Double check!



Verb choice so unnatural it makes the obvious joke just too easy even for me to touch? That's a big ten-four.





Sounds utopian. I sure hope this fragile peace isn't shattered by mankind's hubris or lust for violence!







Rats, looks like I'm 0 for 2. Still doing better than the Hyruleans though, I guess, and definitely better than the writer. any cure for the disasters, pffft.



Stupidness! Ha!







Actually, I'm becoming increasingly convinced the writer's first language probably isn't English, which makes me retroactively kind of an asshole. At least I hope no native speaker of an age and skill level that could make a whole romhack is that clumsy with prepositions.









I'm sure that over the course of the game I'm going to be complaining profusely and angrily about out-of-character characters, but at least this bit is nonsensical in a consistent way. What is it with Hyruleans/Hylians and sealing things from things as a solution to every problem? It's like an entire nation populated by Daedalus's increasingly-unstable descendants.





Did he just pluralize who and which? Okay, I'm definitely sold on the second language theory. My money's on something Scandinavian.



Oh yeah, by the way, remember how I said this was a horrible, childlike crossover? The protagonist's name is literally Knil, as in Link backwards. This makes him unique and different character, as is helpfully-if-angrily pointed out in the game's description.

Seriously.



This is...



The title's implication of descendants makes me leery. I am simultaneously terrified and intrigued by the possibility of being subjected to a sixteen bit fanfic OC sex scene. Will it be as awful as I hope and expect? Only one way to find out!

In the next update: Hell if I know, I'm pretty much posting this shit as I do it. Tune in to find out!

Spoiler

Will such a lazy
boy escape from Hyrule?
Kniiiil!
Waaaaaake uuuuup!



Is it just me, or does that start off normal, get threatening, then end on a downer?

Knil: Good morning my
sweetie! I wish I could
say that I was dreaming
about you but I had
bad dreams again. How
did you sleep?
Myra: I had nightmares
too, my dear. Sure that
the boredom does this.

I'm really hoping this is heavy-handed foreshadowing, because the alternative is that I'm being subjected to two sappy losers talk tediously about their dreams for literally no reason. I wouldn't put either past this game already, and I've just barely started.

I guess at least they had the decency to clearly line out their relationship for the viewers too slow to remember forty seconds ago when it was announced that Myra is Knil's girlfriend.

We need to find some
clue on how to leave
Hyrule. Come on! I know
that you are planning it
for years! Look, I am 18
and you are 16. Guess?

Oh, hey, we even get a reveal of their ages via totally-naturalistic dialogue. Yaaay, exposition! It's nice to see the woman (or, girl rather) being the older in the relationship, I guess. Boy, you know you've made a quality game when that's the kind of thing I'm scraping the barrel to feel good about.



Uhhh

Uhhhhhhhh

That's the salient thing about the ages, huh? He's sixteen so we can get married now?

Huh.

Remember when I was joking about expecting a sex scene? It's not a joke anymore.

thought about adventure.
Come on, you want it,
too! I know! Knil?
Knil: All right, I was
really planning it. But
it's too dangerous for
for you, my sweetie. Our roads sadly… Hey!
Don't cry! I… uh…

Already burned off ll the goodwill you earned by having Myra be older, BoaB. That's got to be some kind of record.

Okay, I will watch out
for you. Not like we had
any weapons yet…
Myra: That's why I want
to give you a present.
I found it west from
here, near Lost Woods,
at Kokiri Forest.
Use it for good…

A reminder for the folks following at home, "good" in this context is defined as "breaking the ancient seal that is the only thing standing between Hyrule and the evil land that nearly destroyed it. Because we're bored."


It will protect you from
rocks and arrows but
don't set it on fire!

Good stuff, Maynard. Maybe not so useful without a sword to go with it, but beggars and choosers and flammable shields. Really looking forward to inevitably having to repeatedly replace this thing thanks to fire-spitting enemies or something.



Myra: I'm glad you like
it! There's even more!
I asked my father to
smith a sword for you!
It won't be just a stick
though. You will use it

I genuinely have no idea what's being said here. I mean, if you're having a sword forged smithed for me, why would I assume it's a stick? I'm probably nit-picking at this point, but come on. Does this guy get paid by the word?

in the upcoming dungeons
So, lets head to my house north from here.
The Legendary Blade is
held in the Sanctuary.
But we can't get it now.
It's locked up, and
nobody can touch it
anyway.

Now THIS I understand. Dungeon status set to: Upcoming. McGuffin cataloged.

Knil: I found a good
book in the library, but
it's in the closed
section. We need to find
a way there and do some
exploring, too.

Oh, I know how to solve this one! You just have to flirt with the guy on the student council and he lets you into the library for your first crappy date!

Myra: Well said, my love!
I hope it will be a
happy adventure!

Me too, Myra, me too. I feel like we're both going to be disappointed, but a girl can dream.

For now, though, since nothing in my house can be interacted with (including my freakishly giant boots and the turkey-dinner-for-breakfast I've got lying around), it looks like it's time for some... EXTREME TALKING TO VILLAGERS ACTION!!! Tune in next time for wandering around, lots of instances of the same line, and all the quest hooks you can shake a stick sword at.

I assume, anyway.

Spoiler

I make a mental note to come back when I've got some gardening equipment, that flashing rupee having mocked me for the last eight years since I dropped it out the window into the clutches of Impassable Flowers.

Gotta get dolla dolla.

What I originally mistook as some sort of gate to the south is a couple of DarkNuts standing side by side. Let's see what they have to say for themselves!



Just a warning, us
DarkNuts have clear
orders against
suspicious persons.
Not like we had evil
habits, though…

Good to know. I'll avoid all treasure and suspicion, and take your unprompted denial of evility at face value.

To the north! Because the scourge of shrubbery prevents us going elsewhere!



Ah, this is more like it. A bunch of NPCs to talk to and transcribe. Let's get to it.


Do you love books, too?
My favourite is the
Book of Mudora…

McGuffinlogue updated again! The Book of Mudora was a collection of lore and a translation guide for Ancient Hylian in LttP, so, you know... A ripping good read. Nice choice, Bano.

Knil: Hey, that book is
in the closed section!
How did you get in?!
Bano: Uhm… Forget what
I said! You will get a
discount in my shop
if you do! Come at the
'RIGHT' time, OK?

How would video games work if everyone in them didn't have ridiculously loose lips? Probably we'd have to actually figure things out and discover things on our own, which recent RPGs have proven gamers have zero interest in.

Sadly, neither the dog nor the hand-rubbing ethnic caricature have anything to say at all. This is actually kind of difficult to discover, because this game requires you to walk into an NPC from a specific direction to trigger their dialogue. Pretty good design.



Our goal is to the west, so naturally my finely-honed gaming instincts lead me east first. Nothin' here but a locked-up shop and a fountain.

And a phalanx of impassibushes, of course. This game is really dead-set on me not going anywhere until I get that sword.



To the north, there's a house owned by someone inconsiderate enough to lock their door at night and not let weird strangers in, but gracious enough to leave their valuables in an open chest outside. Yoink!



Ah, a whole cadre of caricatures! Let's see if they're all as stoic as the first one.



Covering gaps, fixing
bridges, reapiring
fences… If you see
anything that wasn't
there previously, know
that it was our work!

Okay, they're carpenters. Sure. Maybe not the sprite I would have chosen for this purpose, or at all, but I don't see anything problematic with making the Chinese dudes building things in harsh conditions.

Nice of them to preemptively justify the appearance of insurmountable-obstacle-passing construction as the game goes on. If my exploration is going to be arbitrarily rationed based on story progress, at least it's pretty unashamed about it.

Knil: Amazing!
I always wanted to be a
carpenter!

Knil has always thought of himself as a messianic figure.



Having exhausted the wrong ways already, it's time to actually proceed. Backtracking ho. More DarkNuts block the way, plus some sort of purple-helmeted dude. What's up, guy?



It's okay, dude, they told me they're not evil. Chillax!

ancestors were enemies
of the ancient Hero…
I also seen them while
doing evil things, like
torturing animals,
stealing from children
and trashing flowers.
The king really wants to
block certain roads…

Wait, was I lied to? If you can't trust a hulking doorway demon in plate mail hired to keep the unarmed populace in check, who can you trust? Just what kind of police state is this?

Myra: Why are they
here? Scary ones…
Guard: The king says
that they powerful
enough to prevent any
to leave Hyrule. He also
states that they need
to block some areas for
security reasons at
night and in certain
seasons. The Royal
Family acts very strange
nowadays… They are
locked up in the castle.
Nobody have seen
Princess Zelda since
she was born…
Knil&Myra: Odd!

The kind where nobody's allowed in or out, and nobody sees the royal family, apparently. Worked out pretty well for feudal Japan, I guess. Thanks for the summary, purple guy.

These DarkNuts are more stoic, presumably since it's hard to deny evil habits after watching someone talk about your textbook villainy in front of you. Oh well, at least there were a few rupees in the open house. Onward and upward.



Ooh, a FANCY DarkNut! What manner of exposition have you and your unique sprite?



smelling flowers and
watching the sun while
while it moves around

Well that doesn't sound too evil. Maybe Purple Guy is just one of those lying dope fiends you hear about on the teevee.

and around… But don't
get me wrong, I could
kill you any time if
you planned to leave
Hyrule. Just as I did
with some people who
got close.

Orrrr, you know, not.

Knil: How they got close?
DarkNut: They managed to
gather the three… Oh!
I almost talked too much

Hey! You are trampling all over the time-honored tradition of just spilling information for no good reason! Yep, definitely evil.

Myra: Why is your armour
looks different? Much
prettier than the rest.
DarkNut: I am on a
higher rank. But this
armour is not only for
for showing off rank.
This lightweighed gear
makes me run extra fast
and I can shoot a beam
with my sword.
Knil&Myra: Bye!!!

So who's got their money on miniboss?



We've looped back around now, but neither of the other carpetures have anything to say.



Another fancy knight-guy, this one with no helpful expository dialogue. More salient are all the shrubs getting between me and that be-boppin' mushroom up in the corner. I desire it.

Guess I gotta go in.



MS: Hi Knil! Who knew
that after me really
being ye' dad for,
years ye' will be
my lil' daughters
husband soon, will ye'?

It's not incest, it only seems like it.

Knil: I will for sure!
Myra: Yes! By the way,
Dad, please give Knil
the sword you smithed!
BigDad: This is the
best sword ye' can use.
Come back when ye' feel
much stronger.

At least I know where to start when it comes time for the endless series of equipment upgrade subquests later on.

As for now, try to stab
the south door open.

What?

Ye' know, the swords are
not only for slashing
bushes, torturing cuccos,
teasing goriyas or

What?!

or cuttin' down the
skirts o' pretty girls.

WHAT

This

This dude just told his adopted-son-figure

In front of his actual daughter

Who are getting married

That one of the most obvious uses for this sword is cutting women out of their clothes

What in the actual fuck, game?

Alright, sanctioned sword purposes, according to BoaB: warfare, locksmithery, torture, gardening, rape.

Noted!

Good luck for both of
you, but stay in Hyrule just yet…
Knil: Thank you, I will
be stronger soon!
Myra: All right, Knil!
Stab that door open!
I am so excited! Whole
Hyrule is ours!
Bye, Dad!

Alright, let's just shake off what is doubtless some one-time off-color joke written by someone with no social skills. Let's get excited about adventure instead! Starting now, whole Hyrule is ours!

Next up: We take it all with our manly fightin'-power. After we finish exploring the boring village, of course.

Spoiler
~~~~~
I have a sword
:> ~~~~~

Having obtained the sword, dawn has broken and the rain has stopped (I don't know why this screencap and the next couple turned out dark, so you'll just have to use your imaaaginations to brighten them up). Outside, the villagers have started coming out in force, and brought their livestock with them. Oddly, despite the exhortations to cucco-torture, they don't actually respond to attacks.

This pink-haired girl does eerily follow my every move, though, despite having nothing to say. I don't like it.



To the south, everyone's too involved in their revelry to spare a word for me. Which kind of pisses me off. What good is an NPC that's not sending me on stupid fetch-quests or obviously reveling hints? None at all!



Nobody here has anything to say either, lamely. At least my kind-but-rude neighbor has finally opened their door. Time to get a-bargin'!


a business trip, yeah.
Myra: We didn't want to
see him.
???: Well, his daughter
is on… uhm…
Vacation! Yeah.
Knil: We don't want her
either.
???: Well then if…
Myra: Oh, calm down,
woman! We are just
looking around.

"Myra: Look, lady, we don't care that you're obviously some kind of housebreaker or murderer who can't cover her tracks.
Knil: Yeah! I mean, that's what we're here for too."

???: Oh… :(
Knil: What's the matter?
Myra: I know now! You
are Impa! You nursed
Princess Zelda!
Impa: That's true. :(
But I was fired because
taking her out to the
nature! A baby needs

Wow, the Royal Family really is pretty wacko if they fire a trusted nursemaid for taking a baby outdoors.

fresh air! She had
beautiful blonde hair
and a yellow triangle
on the back of her cute
little hand… *sob*

Orrr, maybe they fired you because you freaked them out by getting way too attached to the baby.

Either way, you bore us now and we have no response. Thanks for the unprompted life story, though.



Interestingly, the text box does not disappear, and in fact forms a completely impassable barrier. I like to imagine it represents a physical wall of Impa's grief.



Doop de doop doop, more NPCs with nothing to say. I've got my eye on the little girl who stole one of the cinder blocks that form the walls of our little hamlet, and moreso on this pink-dressed woman who also watches my every move. The game's description says Ganon isn't the main enemy; I'm beginning to suspect he's been replaced by Pink Itself.



4 bombs, a meat increases
hearts by 3,or a magic
up potion. Other things
aren't for kids. Sorry.
They are too elite.
Come back in 7 years.

Boomerangs, flutes: Elite Adult Items; bombs and magic: Kid Stuff. 23 seems like a weird minimum shield-purchasing age, but Hyrule's already been established to be a pretty crazy place. I can roll with it.

I childishly purchase some bombs and head out. I decide to get the drop on the pink menace, using my departure from the store as cover for a sneak attack.



Are you

fucking

kidding me???

Seriously, I... I am playing a game. Wherein you can literally. Literally! Cut the dresses off pretty girls. This is funny jokes, funny funny jokes. Funny... jokes. This doesn't reset when I leave the screen or return, by the way. It's always just a tableau of naked chick, shocked woman, awkward girl. Forever.

I'm on a watch list now, aren't I?



Let's cleanse our brains with some good old-fashioned knowledge-seeking. None of which will be provided by this old guy or that carpenter.



Or indeed anyone in here except the guy in red. Nothing in here is informational at all! Man, fuck books.



facility of whole
Hyrule! …. Who I am
Lying to… ? :(
The popularity of books
are falling at an
extreme rate! I don't
what to do…

Kids these days just don't have any interest in reading, what with their iRacks and medieval cell phones.

Knil: I would like to
enter the closed section
Is it possible by any means?

I'm a little confused as to how Knil found out about the Book of Mudora to begin with if he's never been in the closed section, but... Let's not think too much about that.

Librarian: Well, only
paid members can access
it and only adults can
paid members for 200
Rupee per month.
Sorry.

Ah, porn gallery. Got it.

Knil: Old enough to marry, old enough for explosives, not old enough for books or boots.

Myra: Lots of very
interesting books! I
don't know which to read

The answer, apparently, is none of them. Not a single bookshelf in this place has any clues or flavor bits. At least there's a red rupee hidden behind one, which made all my frantic clicking around slightly less of a waste of time.



Nothin' in here neither until that goron gets off the stairs. Or what I presume are stairs, anyway. I'm not sure whether to be most concerned about the child trapped on top of a tall bookshelf, the discarded clothes in a public place or the man repeatedly bludgeoning a woman with a book. This game... Maybe not a feminist opus.

But hey, more scratch where you can't see it!



Just a few more stoics in here, and not even any more money to gather. The door to what I presume is the closed section keeps opening and shutting on one side, but I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. Either way, I can't interact with it. What I can interact with is the rumormonger over there in the corner.



course you do! They say
that Master Smith keeps
a rare item in his house
This item is the replica
of the Magical Lantern
which can summon fire
anytime! I wonder if
the replica is also this
good. Moreover I heard
that the village girls
wants to invent a 'tool'
which makes us, boys, as
stupid as they are!
Myra: Lie! Grrr…

You show him your intellectual equality with a series of monosyllabic gutterances, Myra!

What is this game's friggin' deal with women?

Bigo: Farewell partner!
And don't forget, if life
gives you a shutter,
give it a bomb!

Well that's a hell of an idiom. Ah well, I'll just chalk it up to Hyrulean's general incomprehensibility. Surely I'm not having progression hints telegraphed this obviously!



Nobody and nothing. Into the other shop we go. I'm questioning the decision to have taken this screencap at all.



are really cheap!
Well, mostly. Prices are
rising, though.

I dunno, I don't think they really look that cheap. And certainly not discounted. I guess this just isn't the 'RIGHT' time.



Hey, the waterfall pond has drained and is now some sort of exciting hole that spits sparkles! Neat! Let's climb that greenery and get in there.



Oh, or I guess it might be inaccessible. But hey, windmills are cool too. And adventure-smelly.



See the truth: left
up, right, down, left
up, right, down!
Around and around…
I think I will compose
a song about it…

I see what you did there, fella.

Around and around…
Around and around…
GO AROUND!!!

Alright, this just went from helpful hint to psychosis. Get help.

No amount of spinning in place or walking in circles causes any secrets to appear, despite Myra's help in the matter; since the miller's text is also a wall, it's time to head out.



Aww, baby's first monsters! How exciting.

That said, I'm not off to do any adventuring until Snoresville is fully explored. I faff around a bit, getting used to the controls (keymapping, poor; hit detection, clunky), then head back into town.



Ye discover an rude hut!



buying them will make
them legal. I was a
lawyer once, so I know.

Pretty sure representing yourself at trial doesn't mean you "were a lawyer once".

The first is a Magical
Tile that lets you pass
gaps. The second is a
Magical Bottle. You
can't buy potions
without it! The third is
a fresh fish, you can
bribe people with it.
Better than the meat.

McGuffins, McGuffins, and not a rupee to spend on them. Or any particular reason to want to, but what kind of gamer would I be if I waited until there was a logical reason to have something before getting it?



Some sort of flying abomination appears to have colonized my house! More distressingly, the garden has mustered more troops, presumably having gotten advance intel of my new anti-flora superweaponry. I can hack as many of them down as I like, but my shiny rupee is already forever lost. They've won.



While Myra and I were both out and constantly within each other's sights, someone came home and tidied up for me. Breaking and redecorating is pretty much the only crime Kakariko suffers from, but the interior designer turf wars it spawns can get bloody. Thank goodness they polished my Precious Heirloom Chest at least!



gave it to you as a
present long ago,
it brings great luck!
Later it will be harder
to get items than simply
picking them up from
your own
treasure chest!

Great, neat. It's also something nice to be reassured that this game isn't just going to be a huge sequence of retrieving things from my own house.

I think it's somewhat amusing that you can trigger this event as many times as you like, getting and regetting the pearl until you're bored with it.

(eight times)



For having such impressive levels of misogyny, this game sure has an oddly-high female population percentage. Let's observe the creatures in their natural habitat.



Males are so lame, they
make shutters thin
nowadays. Heard that the
zora king messed some
thing up in the water
source and the dungeon
guardian went berserk?
Go south and see it!
Also there's something
suspicious above Mt.
Death! And the Kokiri's
Deku Tree has withered.
I wish this town were
technically more evolved
with big metal houses!

Whoah, it's been ages since I've been blasted by that much disjointed information all at once. I kinda feel like I need a cigarette for reasons I don't fully understand.



Whoah, more Scary Outside World. Let's see if the other exits have more Nice Safe Town to check out first.



Nope! Looks like it's time to actually progress with the game.

Heh, who am I kidding. I'm probably just gonna poke around here until I can afford all the stupid stuff from Bandits R Us.

Next Time: Adventures in Commerce! Robbing a Public Institution! Actually Finding a Dungeon Maybe!

Spoiler

First things first, the cheapest bit of Black Marketing, the fish. Ostensibly useful for bribes, using it just kind of tosses it on the ground in front of you, where it flops around disconsolately. The fisherman does not seem impressed by my offering.

Off to go get more filthy lucre, to buy Legal Merchandise!



While I pretty quickly determined that by FAR the fastest way to make money is by finding the area with the highest amount of cuttable grass and just repeatedly mowing it, that gets boring pretty quickly. I started wandering Hyrule field to get the lay of the land and make money mopping mobs. Most of it's not worth mentioning here (there being a limited number of times I can say DERE WERE TEKTITES, I FOUGHT 'EM especially in a screenshot LP), but I did find a church of some sort!

I kind of hope it's a save point like it was in LttP. I actually haven't figured out a way to save yet.



Oh, nope. Exposition ahoy. Fun fact, I accidentally missed one line near the end of this transcription; fortunately, NPCs say the same thing every time you approach. The entire same thing. Every time.

Story of the Legendary Sword!
Knil: We already know it
Myra: I would like to
hear it!
Knil: All right, sweety.
Priest: Long, long ago
when people searched
adventure, they angered
a great evil at an other
land. War broke out and
many have fallen…
But then the Hero came,
forged the legendary
sword and defeated evil!
Knil: It wasn't quite
like this way.

Oh, yeah, no, where would we be without the infallibility of fourteen-year-old historians. Seriously, you'd think they'd try to at least justify why Knil would have reason to contradict the priest here, aside from just being the protagonist and therefore always rightest and smartet.

Myra: Psst! And so,
the Maste… I mean, the
'legendary' sword is
here?

Good save there, subtle. Again, where is this privileged knowledge coming from? Has anyone else ever referred to it as anything but the legendary sword?

Yes, my children.Indeed.
You can see it, but
mustn't touch it.
After all, this is the
only item that let's
you break the Death
Mountain Seal and take
the leap to other lands.
Which is, forbidden.
Myra: Is there a way we
could touch it?

Myra has a pretty short attention span.

Knil: Is there a secret
entrance?

And Knil's just an idiot.

Priest: There isn't any
secret entrance. …..
Oh! It's so terrifying
to lie! I admit that
a chamber leads from
Hyrule Castle to here,

Fortunately, so is the priest.

Hyrule Castle to here,
but fierce Darknuts are
watching! Some are
reborn on dying, and
some are hold the power
of a god! So, you can't
touch the Sword, but you
can see it if you give
me something to eat…

Bitch, you ain't gettin' my fish. Not yet.

I was honestly tempted to just give it to him now so I wouldn't have to listen to the spiel a third time when I was ready to progress, but that would seriously hinder Operation Purchase All Things. Overachieving is worth a little time. Off to capital some more isms!

Speaking of...



I'm now the proud owner of a brand new stolen Magic Bottle! With no access to potion shops or bug nets, it's a pretty wise investment.

Back to the field!

More exploring, still not much worth screencapping. I find a purple rupee at one point (as well as a hidden heart piece) but both happen quickly enough that I end up capturing the frame after Knil puts his arm down. Ho hum

Eventually I do find a weird little building tucked into the southeast. Let's find out what's inside!



gleeok, a mute cat, a purple deku scrub and

…

And

Annnnnd



No. No, no no. No. Why is this. Why is this? I am completely out of any kind of snideness or attempted witticisms right now. What the fuck is wrong with this game?

Christ almighty.

Myra: Hey! That's human slavery!
MisterySalesMan: Ah, you
are Myra and Knil! I can
tell things for rupees.

And that's it. No more objections, no explanations, no more justification. Just "I sell little girls for sex." "That's slavery!" "Yep. I can also give you hints for money." "We'll be on our way then."

I...

Ugh. Just...

Ugh.

This game makes my tired ache.