Let's Play: A Terrible Experience

why was there a black mage in the opening cutscene.

remember how I said this was a horrible, childlike crossover?

I expect rampant Black Magery to be the least of our cross-canon worries. I mean, just as an example, the flower in the very first screen is a Secret of Mana enemy. There's gonna be shit from all over with no explanation.

Why are they so against you looking for treasure?

Treasure is a known vector for adventure.

Oh come on, this was probably not intentional. I hope.

Probably not, no, and you can't really fault a non-American for making unintentional reference to old American racial inequalities; it's more the sprite itself I actually take issue with. The fact that its usage matches up with some sad racisms is just funny to point out.

Show Content

Spoiler
~~~~~
I have a sword
:> ~~~~~

Having obtained the sword, dawn has broken and the rain has stopped (I don't know why this screencap and the next couple turned out dark, so you'll just have to use your imaaaginations to brighten them up). Outside, the villagers have started coming out in force, and brought their livestock with them. Oddly, despite the exhortations to cucco-torture, they don't actually respond to attacks.

This pink-haired girl does eerily follow my every move, though, despite having nothing to say. I don't like it.



To the south, everyone's too involved in their revelry to spare a word for me. Which kind of pisses me off. What good is an NPC that's not sending me on stupid fetch-quests or obviously reveling hints? None at all!



Nobody here has anything to say either, lamely. At least my kind-but-rude neighbor has finally opened their door. Time to get a-bargin'!


a business trip, yeah.
Myra: We didn't want to
see him.
???: Well, his daughter
is on… uhm…
Vacation! Yeah.
Knil: We don't want her
either.
???: Well then if…
Myra: Oh, calm down,
woman! We are just
looking around.

"Myra: Look, lady, we don't care that you're obviously some kind of housebreaker or murderer who can't cover her tracks.
Knil: Yeah! I mean, that's what we're here for too."

???: Oh… :(
Knil: What's the matter?
Myra: I know now! You
are Impa! You nursed
Princess Zelda!
Impa: That's true. :(
But I was fired because
taking her out to the
nature! A baby needs

Wow, the Royal Family really is pretty wacko if they fire a trusted nursemaid for taking a baby outdoors.

fresh air! She had
beautiful blonde hair
and a yellow triangle
on the back of her cute
little hand… *sob*

Orrr, maybe they fired you because you freaked them out by getting way too attached to the baby.

Either way, you bore us now and we have no response. Thanks for the unprompted life story, though.



Interestingly, the text box does not disappear, and in fact forms a completely impassable barrier. I like to imagine it represents a physical wall of Impa's grief.



Doop de doop doop, more NPCs with nothing to say. I've got my eye on the little girl who stole one of the cinder blocks that form the walls of our little hamlet, and moreso on this pink-dressed woman who also watches my every move. The game's description says Ganon isn't the main enemy; I'm beginning to suspect he's been replaced by Pink Itself.



4 bombs, a meat increases
hearts by 3,or a magic
up potion. Other things
aren't for kids. Sorry.
They are too elite.
Come back in 7 years.

Boomerangs, flutes: Elite Adult Items; bombs and magic: Kid Stuff. 23 seems like a weird minimum shield-purchasing age, but Hyrule's already been established to be a pretty crazy place. I can roll with it.

I childishly purchase some bombs and head out. I decide to get the drop on the pink menace, using my departure from the store as cover for a sneak attack.



Are you

fucking

kidding me???

Seriously, I... I am playing a game. Wherein you can literally. Literally! Cut the dresses off pretty girls. This is funny jokes, funny funny jokes. Funny... jokes. This doesn't reset when I leave the screen or return, by the way. It's always just a tableau of naked chick, shocked woman, awkward girl. Forever.

I'm on a watch list now, aren't I?



Let's cleanse our brains with some good old-fashioned knowledge-seeking. None of which will be provided by this old guy or that carpenter.



Or indeed anyone in here except the guy in red. Nothing in here is informational at all! Man, fuck books.



facility of whole
Hyrule! …. Who I am
Lying to… ? :(
The popularity of books
are falling at an
extreme rate! I don't
what to do…

Kids these days just don't have any interest in reading, what with their iRacks and medieval cell phones.

Knil: I would like to
enter the closed section
Is it possible by any means?

I'm a little confused as to how Knil found out about the Book of Mudora to begin with if he's never been in the closed section, but... Let's not think too much about that.

Librarian: Well, only
paid members can access
it and only adults can
paid members for 200
Rupee per month.
Sorry.

Ah, porn gallery. Got it.

Knil: Old enough to marry, old enough for explosives, not old enough for books or boots.

Myra: Lots of very
interesting books! I
don't know which to read

The answer, apparently, is none of them. Not a single bookshelf in this place has any clues or flavor bits. At least there's a red rupee hidden behind one, which made all my frantic clicking around slightly less of a waste of time.



Nothin' in here neither until that goron gets off the stairs. Or what I presume are stairs, anyway. I'm not sure whether to be most concerned about the child trapped on top of a tall bookshelf, the discarded clothes in a public place or the man repeatedly bludgeoning a woman with a book. This game... Maybe not a feminist opus.

But hey, more scratch where you can't see it!



Just a few more stoics in here, and not even any more money to gather. The door to what I presume is the closed section keeps opening and shutting on one side, but I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. Either way, I can't interact with it. What I can interact with is the rumormonger over there in the corner.



course you do! They say
that Master Smith keeps
a rare item in his house
This item is the replica
of the Magical Lantern
which can summon fire
anytime! I wonder if
the replica is also this
good. Moreover I heard
that the village girls
wants to invent a 'tool'
which makes us, boys, as
stupid as they are!
Myra: Lie! Grrr…

You show him your intellectual equality with a series of monosyllabic gutterances, Myra!

What is this game's friggin' deal with women?

Bigo: Farewell partner!
And don't forget, if life
gives you a shutter,
give it a bomb!

Well that's a hell of an idiom. Ah well, I'll just chalk it up to Hyrulean's general incomprehensibility. Surely I'm not having progression hints telegraphed this obviously!



Nobody and nothing. Into the other shop we go. I'm questioning the decision to have taken this screencap at all.



are really cheap!
Well, mostly. Prices are
rising, though.

I dunno, I don't think they really look that cheap. And certainly not discounted. I guess this just isn't the 'RIGHT' time.



Hey, the waterfall pond has drained and is now some sort of exciting hole that spits sparkles! Neat! Let's climb that greenery and get in there.



Oh, or I guess it might be inaccessible. But hey, windmills are cool too. And adventure-smelly.



See the truth: left
up, right, down, left
up, right, down!
Around and around…
I think I will compose
a song about it…

I see what you did there, fella.

Around and around…
Around and around…
GO AROUND!!!

Alright, this just went from helpful hint to psychosis. Get help.

No amount of spinning in place or walking in circles causes any secrets to appear, despite Myra's help in the matter; since the miller's text is also a wall, it's time to head out.



Aww, baby's first monsters! How exciting.

That said, I'm not off to do any adventuring until Snoresville is fully explored. I faff around a bit, getting used to the controls (keymapping, poor; hit detection, clunky), then head back into town.



Ye discover an rude hut!



buying them will make
them legal. I was a
lawyer once, so I know.

Pretty sure representing yourself at trial doesn't mean you "were a lawyer once".

The first is a Magical
Tile that lets you pass
gaps. The second is a
Magical Bottle. You
can't buy potions
without it! The third is
a fresh fish, you can
bribe people with it.
Better than the meat.

McGuffins, McGuffins, and not a rupee to spend on them. Or any particular reason to want to, but what kind of gamer would I be if I waited until there was a logical reason to have something before getting it?



Some sort of flying abomination appears to have colonized my house! More distressingly, the garden has mustered more troops, presumably having gotten advance intel of my new anti-flora superweaponry. I can hack as many of them down as I like, but my shiny rupee is already forever lost. They've won.



While Myra and I were both out and constantly within each other's sights, someone came home and tidied up for me. Breaking and redecorating is pretty much the only crime Kakariko suffers from, but the interior designer turf wars it spawns can get bloody. Thank goodness they polished my Precious Heirloom Chest at least!



gave it to you as a
present long ago,
it brings great luck!
Later it will be harder
to get items than simply
picking them up from
your own
treasure chest!

Great, neat. It's also something nice to be reassured that this game isn't just going to be a huge sequence of retrieving things from my own house.

I think it's somewhat amusing that you can trigger this event as many times as you like, getting and regetting the pearl until you're bored with it.

(eight times)



For having such impressive levels of misogyny, this game sure has an oddly-high female population percentage. Let's observe the creatures in their natural habitat.



Males are so lame, they
make shutters thin
nowadays. Heard that the
zora king messed some
thing up in the water
source and the dungeon
guardian went berserk?
Go south and see it!
Also there's something
suspicious above Mt.
Death! And the Kokiri's
Deku Tree has withered.
I wish this town were
technically more evolved
with big metal houses!

Whoah, it's been ages since I've been blasted by that much disjointed information all at once. I kinda feel like I need a cigarette for reasons I don't fully understand.



Whoah, more Scary Outside World. Let's see if the other exits have more Nice Safe Town to check out first.



Nope! Looks like it's time to actually progress with the game.

Heh, who am I kidding. I'm probably just gonna poke around here until I can afford all the stupid stuff from Bandits R Us.

Next Time: Adventures in Commerce! Robbing a Public Institution! Actually Finding a Dungeon Maybe!