Let's Play: A Terrible Experience

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Will such a lazy
boy escape from Hyrule?
Kniiiil!
Waaaaaake uuuuup!



Is it just me, or does that start off normal, get threatening, then end on a downer?

Knil: Good morning my
sweetie! I wish I could
say that I was dreaming
about you but I had
bad dreams again. How
did you sleep?
Myra: I had nightmares
too, my dear. Sure that
the boredom does this.

I'm really hoping this is heavy-handed foreshadowing, because the alternative is that I'm being subjected to two sappy losers talk tediously about their dreams for literally no reason. I wouldn't put either past this game already, and I've just barely started.

I guess at least they had the decency to clearly line out their relationship for the viewers too slow to remember forty seconds ago when it was announced that Myra is Knil's girlfriend.

We need to find some
clue on how to leave
Hyrule. Come on! I know
that you are planning it
for years! Look, I am 18
and you are 16. Guess?

Oh, hey, we even get a reveal of their ages via totally-naturalistic dialogue. Yaaay, exposition! It's nice to see the woman (or, girl rather) being the older in the relationship, I guess. Boy, you know you've made a quality game when that's the kind of thing I'm scraping the barrel to feel good about.



Uhhh

Uhhhhhhhh

That's the salient thing about the ages, huh? He's sixteen so we can get married now?

Huh.

Remember when I was joking about expecting a sex scene? It's not a joke anymore.

thought about adventure.
Come on, you want it,
too! I know! Knil?
Knil: All right, I was
really planning it. But
it's too dangerous for
for you, my sweetie. Our roads sadly… Hey!
Don't cry! I… uh…

Already burned off ll the goodwill you earned by having Myra be older, BoaB. That's got to be some kind of record.

Okay, I will watch out
for you. Not like we had
any weapons yet…
Myra: That's why I want
to give you a present.
I found it west from
here, near Lost Woods,
at Kokiri Forest.
Use it for good…

A reminder for the folks following at home, "good" in this context is defined as "breaking the ancient seal that is the only thing standing between Hyrule and the evil land that nearly destroyed it. Because we're bored."


It will protect you from
rocks and arrows but
don't set it on fire!

Good stuff, Maynard. Maybe not so useful without a sword to go with it, but beggars and choosers and flammable shields. Really looking forward to inevitably having to repeatedly replace this thing thanks to fire-spitting enemies or something.



Myra: I'm glad you like
it! There's even more!
I asked my father to
smith a sword for you!
It won't be just a stick
though. You will use it

I genuinely have no idea what's being said here. I mean, if you're having a sword forged smithed for me, why would I assume it's a stick? I'm probably nit-picking at this point, but come on. Does this guy get paid by the word?

in the upcoming dungeons
So, lets head to my house north from here.
The Legendary Blade is
held in the Sanctuary.
But we can't get it now.
It's locked up, and
nobody can touch it
anyway.

Now THIS I understand. Dungeon status set to: Upcoming. McGuffin cataloged.

Knil: I found a good
book in the library, but
it's in the closed
section. We need to find
a way there and do some
exploring, too.

Oh, I know how to solve this one! You just have to flirt with the guy on the student council and he lets you into the library for your first crappy date!

Myra: Well said, my love!
I hope it will be a
happy adventure!

Me too, Myra, me too. I feel like we're both going to be disappointed, but a girl can dream.

For now, though, since nothing in my house can be interacted with (including my freakishly giant boots and the turkey-dinner-for-breakfast I've got lying around), it looks like it's time for some... EXTREME TALKING TO VILLAGERS ACTION!!! Tune in next time for wandering around, lots of instances of the same line, and all the quest hooks you can shake a stick sword at.

I assume, anyway.