Nopor Puss Advice Column

Nopor Puss,

How do I become as awesome as you?

Yours, Asslicking Dungface

Nopor Puss, if you don't mind, let me field this one.

With a bit of consideration, it's quite simple! If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, awesomeness must be also. Therefore, the easiest way to be awesome is to ensure others think of you as awesome.

The catch is, however, that if people think of you as an unrelenting tool, then trying to shift their perception so by public agreement you become awesome is very, very difficult.

If you know you've been an unrelenting tool or equivalent in the past, don't fret! There's always the chance to start fresh in a new location where nobody's quite picked up on that yet, or is willing to give you another chance. At this critical juncture in your quest to becoming awesome, you must realise that first (or second or third) impressions are crucial. Considering how the tone of your words may be perceived by others is paramount, as they are the ones deciding whether you are Hot or Not.

When you introduce yourself, be sure to accentuate your positive traits to the shadow gallery, while taking especial care to not make it sound like you're gloating! Nobody likes a showoff. Avoid the additional pitfall of joking about your negative attributes in a way that makes you sound proud of them. If it's a small, insular community of friends, perhaps cite someone who invited you along, as an implicit affidavit?

Now that you've made a good first impressio-

This is the management.

We would like to inform you that flouting your apparent shoehorning into our community is not endearing.

Furthermore, mentioning it (or, in fact, crowing it at every apparent provocation) does not give you a free pass to avoid sitting down and getting yourself a goddamn clue of how, exactly, things might roll around here.

Hell, the fact you keep going on about it like it's your "I Took a Self-tossed Brick To My Social Aptitude, Apologies in Advance" Badge makes it seem like you know just how much you'll get on people's nerves with your attitude, but honestly don't give a flying fuck.

We don't like that. We also don't like your face.

So sit the fuck down, and more importantly, watch your mouth and make sure it's not shooting off anything you'll regret.