MURDERFIA: WOOP ZOOP IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

Sincere apologies for my inability to stick to my own deadlines; today was the first day of this holiday that was actually sunny with bearable, non-snowy weather, so I took the opportunity to embark upon a rather enjoyable excursion. I didn't forget about you guys, though, don't fret. You might even get a little something extra tomorrow... but anyway, enough dawdling. This is what you've all been waiting for...

(oh, err, o-kay, um, I really ought to find my rapper's cap, um, oh gosh, where's the bloody blighter gone? Ah, there, underneath my agression akumbra, hmhm, jolly good)

Oh my dear, goodness gracious me, what do we have here?
An attack, via rap, or a galling veneer?
I’m confused, dearest Pines, by your tantamount skiffle
Unintelligent dribble, sheer twaddle – just piffle!

It’s a cochlear insult, all-atremble in fear
Don’t you know what you’ve done with your scandalous cheer
Of “Alrighty ho then, well I say, this means war!”
When you’ve scarcely the weapons to maintain the rapport?

I’m entirely surprised by your lacklustre rhymes
I’d have thought that something better should have come out of Pines!
But having analysed your ghastly cries I think I might have just surmised
The underlying reason why this battle’s lost with your demise!
The scene you paint, my devil’s guise, the holes alleged at which your prise
Are all calumniation and complete and utter lies!

And how can you seriously give it your all
When you’re assault’s a simulacrum and is destined to fall
Oh yes, your arguments are hollow, not a single one could fly
You simply can’t knock this high-flier out of my sky
This esoteric information that you’d like to emerge?
Well if you’re so bally desperate, have you tried a Google search?

In case you hadn’t twigged yet, in the game from which it came
It was I who took THE VIRUS and propelled it to fame
It’s the very height of anti-fun, a terrible mechanic
So incredibly unbalanced, so appallingly satanic

If you think the raving rabble here are getting out of hand
And this derailment with the phonebooth’s just distracting from the plan
Then perhaps an all-out murder epidemic’s what you need
‘cause that’s THE VIRUS in a nutshell so I daresay godspeed

It’s near impossible to handle, this infandous infection
Tags along with you at night and dirties every connection
Be you targeter or targeted there’s no place to hide
But if both parties are affected then the latter just dies

I was cagey, I’ll concede it, but I’d hoped to quash the panic
Imagine forty people screaming all so terrified and manic
I needed time in which to strategise, a day or so to dwell
If patience is a virtue then you’re set to rot to hell!

Then you question my fun? It’s the name of the game
Have you forgotten what we’re doing here – for shame!
It had been my intention, in lieu of Ix’s tunes
To entertain the needy masses with my solo kazoo!

(insert highly embarrassing kazoo solo here)

But back to this poetry brawl; I’ve put the effort in
My prose has surely evidenced I’m really quite the veteran
This whole affair to me is merely déjà vu
I didn’t get to crush granola so I’ll take it out on you

My first manoeuvre is to mention that the splendid beat I’m rocking
‘s courtesy the good professor behind the song’s whose role you’re mocking
You’re besmirching two great names with your affront so profane
I have no choice but to engage you and to bring you the pain!

I choose to fight like a gangster raptor, claws out, volume up.

Show Content

SpoilerIt's nice to know I'm perfectly fine with devoting a day and a half to this lovely kind of antic. For those keeping track at home, my "technical difficulties" were:

1. I had swapped input and output around in some silly control panel and so had absolutely no idea why Audacity couldn't pick up my mic
   
2. I accidentally the tempo on three separate occasions
   
3. I had to rerecord the entire thing once I'd done it in, well, nine distinct sections because I was too far away from the mic
   
4. The version I did in just one take had too many "oh fucks" and heavy breathing interludes to fix
   
5. THAT GOGDAMN KAZOO SOLO
   
6. Once I at last had the final version (three distinct sections; lines 1-10, 11-40 & 41-48), I forgot to unmute the introductory nattering. Twice.

Still, it worked out in the end...

The beat is borrowed from You're Invited by Professor Elemental, which is one of the two-dozen or so tracks of his that you can get the instrumental version of for a small fee. Curiously, the weird noises that begin the instrumental version don't appear in the actual track, but instead comprise the end of the previous - I kept them in anyway so as not to royally muck up my timing. All the other sound effects scattered throughout the piece were kept, mainly because I couldn't be arsed to remove them; I managed to write myself around them instead, all bar the trampoline. My only alterations were a slight increase in tempo and an extension of the pause near the end so it could fully contain the solo.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and have a nice lie-down...