Ask me about blaseball and teaching in semi-rural New Zealand.

Sutton Bishop is definitely one of my top faves.

Great choice!

(I'm gonna be mixing in-game player history, our fan-made in-universe lore, and the vibes of the actual community in this. Hopefully it all makes sense.)

The Hellmouth Sunbeams were, through most of the Discipline Era, a less successful team who were lucky to crack a season win rate of over 50%. Despite being one of the largest teams in terms of Fanbase, the team was also not great at winning Blessings. One of the first really good blessings the Beams won was Precognition at the end of Season 4, which appreciably boosted the stats of three batters: Nagomi Nava, Emmett Internet, and Randall Marijuana.

Although the only in-game flavour for the blessing was "Visions of things to come", we thought it was pretty neat and wondered what else these three were seeing. We decided to call these three the Precog Trio, only later discovering that we had a Pattern of our Trios of players being Befouled with Fates.

Toward the end of Season 5, Emmett Internet was incinerated, replaced with Sutton Bishop. This was the first Beams incineration since Season 3 (when Rhys Trombone and Velasquez Meadows were replaced with Dudley Mueller and Alexander Horne respectively), and the majority of the community hadn't physically been around for those. We didn't actually extensively lore Rhys and Velasquez until quite some time later... and the Beams had up to this point avoided player-losing Consequences like team swaps. With all that, Emmett's incineration was the first loss of a player most Beams fans experienced live.

Sutton was... well, they weren't terrible, but generally not as good as the player we'd just boosted and lost in a rapid ump-based immolation. As was the way in those earlier days of blaseball, when a team received a new player we'd start figuring out what their deal was by simply bouncing lots of ideas around. One of the immediate touchstones was discovery of an actual real-world village in the UK called Bishop Sutton. At some point I chucked this out into the chat:

Sutton Bishop burst onto the scene almost exactly one year after the release of Untitled Goose Game, so "The entirety of Bishop Sutton is working together to pilot an avatar that's playing blaseball" mutated into... "the entity being piloted by Bishop Sutton's residents is an eldritch being who most of the time resembles a goose."

There were additional fun details, like the fact the village was doing this because some kind of curse had pulled their village out of reality and into a pocket dimension, and controlling the goose (who was contractually obligated to play blaseball) was their only way to interact with the rest of the world. The entity, being a goose, was obviously a chaotic evil asshole, but the village folk were also not averse to making the goose also commit petty crimes.

It's presumed that the rest of the Beams were unaware there were people on the other end of the goose, and just assumed its more calculated acts of malice were "typical goose(?) behaviour". The gooseform was for the most part impossible for anyone to control, though it seemed to behave at least a little around the pitcher and team dad Sandoval Crossing.

Roll on Season 6! The vibes remained a lil tense after our grief, because the League had been restructured via Decree and the five worst teams in the League (the Beams, the Boston Flowers, the Tacos, the Miami Dale, and the Houston Spies) were thrown into the "Wild Low" division. Every division had a different stat-shifting mechanic planned for it, with our worst-of-the-worst division having the division winner siphon stats from the worse teams. They did end up scrapping the mechanic, once folks pointed out you'd end up with four truly dogshit teams in the league - who'd keep being fodder for whichever team had sunk into Wild Low for that season from the rest of the league - we didn't find this out until the end of the season though. Luckily, Wild Low collectively said "fuck that", pulled their forces together, and won all of the division-wide Blessings which were on offer that season.

Wild Low actually developed such a strong sense of camaraderie from this incident that they pretty much kept winning division-wide Blessings in later seasons whenever they turned up. Sutton Bishop's , until most of the teams got pretty damn buff. Some folks even wrote a song about it!

We ended up calling ourselves "enby baby jail" once most of our teams got Good, and joked we were contained in one division for the rest of the League's safety.

So yeah. All that was fun, except we didn't find out until the end of the week that things were going to turn out ok, and in the mean time that season we lost another Precog-boosted player, Randall Marijuana, in a team-swapping Feedback event, and also lost Alexander Horne. We got Hendricks Richardson from the Jazz Hands and Sigmund Castillo from the Lovers, both of whom eventually thrived on our team and are also excellent characters I'd love to talk about. In the moment, though, this was probably about the lowest Sunbeams Fans' morale got.

Also, Randy died to incineration about forty days after leaving our team. So now Nagomi Nava is the last surviving member of the Precog Trio (I'll tell you that story though if/when y'all let me rant about Nagomi).

Sutton has an otherwise-humdrum rest of the Discipline Era, which ends with the Shelled One being defeated at the end of Season 10, then the Sunbeams going absolutely bonkers.

---

Let's step away from Sutton for a moment and just break this down because it's up there as one of the funniest things in Splorts. Here's the prelude to Season 11:

• Since Season 7, occasionally in Elections there'd be Blessings where teams could win a Blood Type. Quite a few teams managed to nab blood types that thematically fit them (cuz the rest of the League was nice and fans from other teams would avoid putting in Votes for that blessing), like the party-loving Dale getting Electric Blood (which let them "zap away" strikes and have more than 3 strikes before being out) the Lovers getting Love blood (which let them Charm opposing players and make them screw up) or the Spies getting Psychic Blood (which let them "undo" bad outcomes like getting struck out by performing a Mind Trick).
  • In the Season 8 Elections, the Beams got Basic Blood, which gave us Base Instincts. This gave us the power to occasionally, when drawing a walk, just.... keep walking. To Second Base. Sometimes even to Third Base, which let bullshit like this happen if the bases were loaded:
    
  • 
    
• In the Season 10 elections, one team could win Fourth Strike (so your team is only out on four strikes instead of three) for the next season, and also give it to the worst team in the opposite league. Thanks to the Shoe Thieves and our piss-poor performance in Season 9, Beams won that.
  
• Also in the Season 10 elections, one team could win a blessing called Walk in the Park and share that with their division. Tacos won that, so Beams could, for one glorious season to wrap up the Discipline Era:
  • Have four strikes for each batter before they were struck out
    
  • Walk on the third Ball thrown by a pitcher, instead of the fourth
    
  • Potentially walk multiple bases when drawing a walk
    

Also, because of the Sun exploding (don't worry about it) and being replaced with a Black Hole and a replacement called Sun 2, there was no dangerous weather like Solar Eclipses or Peanuts or Feedback. Both the Black Hole and Sun 2 would only react if a team scored 10 runs in a game - the Black Hole would eat them and give the opposing team an Unwin; Sun 2 would eat them and instead give the team who scored an extra win.

The Sunbeams' win-loss record for the 99-day regular season was 68 wins to 39 losses. We scored 834 runs that season; the previous record was a little less than 600. There are only three teams who ever scored over 700 runs in a season, and the Beams were one of them. No other team ever scored over 800, and the beams did it again in Season 23.

We were unstoppable through the regular season, and only one thing could stop us in the Postseason: OURSELVES.

---

First match-up of the PostSeason: we were up against the Spies. 5 games, first to 3 wins moves on.

Game 1 was Sun 2 weather; we scored 12 runs total and ended up with 2 Wins by the end of it.
Game 2 was Black Hole weather; in the 6th inning the score hit 2-10 to the Beams, the Black Hole ate the 10 runs and gave the Spies an Unwin. The Spies scored four more runs by the 9th inning, but Beams clawed back and scored 7 more, including 3 at the bottom of the 9th.

It's at this point everyone notices a problem: If, under the Black Hole, a team scores a 10th run in the final inning and the other team has runs on the board, the Black Hole eats the runs, the low-scoring team wins because they've got more runs in the final inning, but they also get an Unwin because the Black Hole triggered on them. This does, in fact, happen, because the Tacos "lose" twice to the Tigers because they keep scoring too much under Black Hole weather.

And the Beams batters will not stop.

The Tigers eventually net 3 wins and move onto the semifinal where they'll face the Beams, but only after 6 games.

---

There was a running joke that the Sunbeams establish passionate rivalries with anyone who looks at them funny (so, the rest of the League), and also that any kind of passionate camaraderie is also a rivalry. Our longest-standing anti-rivals were, of course, the Hades Tigers , with our bond unbreakable since the dawn of Blaseball. Sure, there was the Hell connection, but also before the Wild/Mild league shuffle of Season 6 we were both in the Lawful Evil division, where the Tigers were among the best in the League and the Beams were... bad. The Tigers were so dominant, in fact, they already had two season championships under their belt, and the third put them in line for Ascension.

Only one team had Ascended at this point, the Baltimore Crabs, and they disappeared from the League to places unknown after winning Season 10 and were replaced with the Tokyo Lift. While Crabs fans were assured that their team would return at some point, the vibes were definitely weird.

Tigers and Sunbeams Fans would cheer for each others' teams, calling them the "Tigerbeams" and claiming when one team won, they both did. This was especially great when the two teams played against each other, because that would be a day when everybody won. With the threat of Ascension, while we assured each other no matter what happened it would be Tigerbeams Forever, we knew what we had to do.

The Beams had to stop the Tigers' Ascension.

----

Semi-finals time. Once again, first to 3 wins moves on.

Game 1, featuring our beloved pitcher, Lone Star Lars (so called because he's got 1/5 stars for Pitching): We go into the 9th inning with the score 9-9. The Tigers score, give the Beams an Unwin, then lose.

0 wins to 0.

Game 2: The Tigers are leading 6-4 a the bottom of the 9th with the Beams up to bat. They equalise. Tigers score 2 more runs in the 10th. Beams equalise again. The score sits at 8-8 until the 14th inning, when the Tigers score another run. The Sunbeams respond in turn, with one home run followed up by another by Nagomi Nava. Sun 2 eats the runs, gives a win to the Beams, and the Tigers win Game 2 9-0.

1 win to each team.

Game 3, with the Tigers' 4.5 star pitcher, "ace in the hole" Hiroto Wilcox: Shutout to the Tigers, 7-0.

2 wins Tigers, 1 win Beams.

Game 4: We finish the 9th inning with 4 runs each. Both teams score another run in the 10th, then Beams score twice in the 11th (this featured Sigmund Castillo walking directly to 2nd base, then stealing third, then running in on the next bat.)

2 wins each, next game could finish this. The other semi-final playoff has concluded, with the Seattle Garages moving on.

Game 5: 3 runs each as the Beams step up for the bottom of the 8th. The beams score 7 runs in an inning, trigger Sun 2, and gain a win, resetting the score to 3 nil. They manage to equalise at the bottom of the 9th, but give up two more runs in the 10th, netting the Tigers another win.

3 wins each. It's extra innings, except now it's extra games.

Game 6: Lars is up on the mound again. The Sunbeams hit 11 runs in the 3rd, gain a win, and reset the score to 2-1 to the Tigers. Both teams keep racking up runs, but Lars holds his own and the final score at the end of the 9th inning is 5 to 7. Beams win!

---

IT'S TIME FOR THE SEASON 11 CHAMPIONSHIP: HELLMOUTH SUNBEAMS VS SEATTLE GARAGES

Game 1. We wrap up the 9th inning with the score 5 all. The Garages nab another run in the top of the 10th, before the Beams step up to bat, and rack up runs until the score is 6-9. Nagomi Nava steps up to bat. She scores. We gain a win. The score is 6-0. Two more batters strike out.

The win record is 1 to the Garages, 1 to the Beams.

Game 2. A nice normal one, where the Garages score 3 to the Beams' 4.

1 Win Garages, 2 wins Beams.

Game 3. Black Hole again. Our pitcher, Zack Sanders, mostly keeps the Garages at bay, allowing only 2 runs by the end of the 9th. The Sunbeams lineup, meanwhile, have scored a merry 8. Everyone is begging the Beams batters to chill the fuck out for a minute. We get a double. We draw a walk to second base. Nagomi Nava steps up to bat. She hits a double, and the two folks on base run in. Game ends 2 at-bats later, 0-2.

1 Win Garages, 2 wins Beams.

Game 4. Same shit, different pitcher. Beams trigger the black hole again in the bottom of the 9th, while the Garages have a couple runs on the board.

1 Win Garages, 2 wins Beams.

Game 5. The Hellmouth Sunbeams batting lineup is officially holding the League hostage. In the 7th inning, Sutton Bishop nabs the 9th run for the Beams. Lone Star Lars, who's pitching again, has let 5 runs through so a loop right now all-but spells a Game 6.

Game 5. Beams in the 8th. Sutton hits a double, but the batter after them strikes out.

Game 5. Beams in the 9th. 1 out, Igneus Delacruz on 1st base. Nagomi Nava steps up to bat. Iggy gets caught stealing, and Nagomi hits a ground out immediately after. The nightmare is over... unless the Garages can tie this or trigger the black hole for themselves.

Game 5. Bottom of the 9th. Theodore Duende steps up to bat. Ball. Strike. Strike. Flyout. 1 out.

Game 5. Bottom of the 9th. Paula Turnip batting for the Garages. Ball. Ball. Strike. Ball. Groundout. 2 outs, and a final out between eternity and the Championship's end.

Game 5. Bottom of the 9th. Sparks Beans steps up, and hits a single.

Game 5. Bottom of the 9th. Lars Taylor nabs two strikes on Oliver Notarobot. A ball. A final strike. The Hellmouth Sunbeams are the Season 11 champions, and Blaseball enters four-month Siesta.

---

Welcome back!

So after the Beams won we entered an era of Peace and Prosperity, with only a small interruption for something called the Coffee Cup. This was a self-contained tournament with minimal impact on the overall plot of Blaseball, but players were enrolled on teams based on their (randomly generated) coffee preference. The members of the winning team got to drink from the percolated remains of players who got abducted by a Saucer during the tournament. Sutton was a pitcher on the winning team, Inter Xpresso, giving them a permanent boost in Coffee weather.

Blaseball returned, 18 weeks after the end of the Discipline Era.

We had a new antagonist, in the form of the Coin, and a fresh cast of other godlike entities whose motives and priorities we would have to figure out. The main theme for the Expansion Era was exploring the consequences of unchecked growth, with the game piling features on top of features and giving the fans even more granular control over their team's structure and development. It was bloated and overwhelming by design, but Sutton didn't get to see much of it.

They were incinerated near the end of Season 13, replaced by Kaj Statter Jr.

---

Day 98 was already proving to be another dark day for Blaseball - the Beams were playing an away game in Breckenridge, home to the Jazz Hands, and we'd already had an incineration earlier (Jazz Hands' batter Combs Estes) in the game. We were in extra innings and just wanting out of the danger zone, only for Sutton to be incinerated one play before the game ended proper.


Kaj Statter Jr., who uses sea/shore/seas pronouns and is a mailman who's also a pirate, was tasked with delivering a letter to the Hellmouth Sunbeams from a small British village that had just recently discovered itself reconnected with reality. Kaj made a beeline in seas boat for the Hellmouth, found the team was playing an away game, sailed the boat directly from Hellmouth to Breckenridge (presumably up the Colorado River), then crashed it through the wall of the Jazz Hands' stadium. Sea stepped up to their first at-bat on Day 99... during which they partied (a thing players can do if their team's no longer in the running for Post-Season, nabbing a little stat boost), stole home, and tapped into their Base Blood and walked straight to second.

(if you want to see the story of Sutton Bishop up to this point in animatic form, click here!)

---

Being dead, Sutton Bishop didn't see play for the following 9 seasons, until Season 23 when we were warned of an upcoming Exhibition Match.

The aforementioned Coin had been using the Idol Board to find the most popular, most profitable players in the game (the MVPs), and each week that a player spent near the top of the Idol Board they would gain another layer of Ego. When a player hit Ego+++++, they were deemed Legendary and removed from the game, Preserved in a mysterious location known as the Vault.

The exhibition match was to be a 50-inning match between the Vault Legends, the best and brightest in the League Preserved at their peak, and the Rising Stars - any player who had gained at least one layer of Ego. Of course, we weren't the only team thinking it'd be fun to get one of our players into the exhibition match... though we were the only one who had a dead goose and an extremely catchy name for our campaign to make other people vote Sutton for MVP at Season 23's end.

The Blaseball Discord had a community billboard where you could post whatever to try to convince the rest of the Fans to go along with your silly plans. Much of it is incomprehensible.

The plan actually worked - despite being Deceased, Sutton joined the Rising Stars, played ball, and then... got Heisted by the Vault Legends. The Legends had the Tunnel system installed in their stadium, but where regular teams could only steal Runs or items off of the opposing team, the Legends were able to steal players. Sutton, along with seven other players, were Heisted and added to the Vault Legends team.

After the exhibition match was cancelled due to another sun exploding, that should've been the end of Sutton Bishop's story.

In a final twist of fate, the Boston Flowers won a Blessing that season that would trade one of their players for a random member of the Vault Legends.

Sutton was picked. Sutton escaped the Vault, escaped the Hall without the Debt which other targets of necromancy had been subject to, and was free to terrorize Boston with zero consequences.

Moral of the story: Necromancy is bad, unless you're the Sunbeams, in which case go hog wild I guess.