RE: Lucidstuck II
03-29-2022, 10:08 AM
> At the risk of sounding like a concerned mom, I hope you're doing okay. It's easy to imagine things being rough considering all this change.
> We do add a lot of variables to your plans. But I suppose that is the nature of cooperation between equals.
> I personally understand not liking it. I've never been good at working with teams.
> I tend to always feel like I know best. And I have trouble when other people tell me I don't. Or when people tell me they think they know me better than myself.
> It feels as if this is your experience, too. Though, maybe I'm wrong.
> Still, it often pays to listen.
> Some of us do worry about you, from the place of 'do you need a hug?' Maybe Bob will do so for me?
> But from that same place, it feels like you don't see yourself as someone who people could like, if they knew you. And it feels sometimes that you don't really like you either. So you settle for being useful.
> Which seems sad. You're clever. You can be witty. You're ambitious when it comes to the things you care about. You trust yourself. You're creative. You know your priorities.
> This doesn't mean that you aren't without flaws. You're brittle and hate when things change on you. You're ruthless if something gets in your way. You have a serious temper. And you ignore anything that hurts you or bugs you inside.
> Especially that last one.
> This seems to manifest itself in places like Raziel, where you won't even be willing to let that aspect--whatever he represents--talk to you because that'd mean facing something within yourself you're not comfortable with. Or in your noting you don't have time to entertain the possibility of your Shadow.
> But it's fine to be all those things. It's fine to not be comfortable with yourself. Just like admitting you're depressed is the first step to managing depression, admitting you aren't comfortable with yourself is the first step to being comfortable with yourself.
> But it's that self-discomfort that it seems your reaction in regards to Derrick stems.
> It's why I'd prefer Alice not try to lie to Derrick, just admit she doesn't want to talk about it. Again, we have our right to secrets. Even among our closest friends.
> But, there also isn't really any reason to believe you, in regards to the consequences playing out as you say. Derrick does seem to have the potential to kill Alice and even you, true. But will he use it when he finds out? It's hard to say.
> What matters, I think, is that you believe that there's something about you--something you did or something about yourself--that you absolutely can't show to him (or to us or anyone that could ever interact with your brother) because you believe he'll go ballistic.
> That makes me sad because it devalues yourself.
> As a preface, I'd like to reiterate that I feel, personally, that as this is your secret, it's your place to decide when or when not to reveal it. These are my personal principals. I don't think you should lie about the situation, but it's your place to choice when you--or Alice by proxy--should open up.
> So, let's assume Derrick going absolutely ballistic is the worst case. And let's assume that Derrick taking it in stride and being happy that his sister told him the truth was the best case.
> In most situations, reality falls between the two. It seems as if the outcome would be similar to him getting upset in the dining room and not talking to Alice for awhile while he cools off. A bad outcome, but not the absolute worst.
> We could even move this further and say that he yells at Alice and doesn't want to forgive her for some time. Weeks, or months maybe.
> Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems more probable. Granted, they aren't FUN or GOOD outcomes. But they seem more plausible given that we don't know what the nature of the truth is.
> What we do know is Derrick cares about you. There is a lot it seems he'd be willing to forgive for the person closest to him.
> But even then, your worth is greater than how your brother sees you.
> You've got friends. Lexii would probably take a bullet for you. Lucas could be closer if you let him in and you don't string him along--it'd be hard for him, but I think he'd be there for you even if you were clear that you weren't into him.
> You've got you, too.
> You're more than just Derrick.
> He's important, of course, and we're still on your side in that regard. We want a ending where everyone makes it out alive and, ideally, happy.
> But happy isn't always how we envision it.
> In any case, I've rambled far longer than I probably should. It might be some time before I have the opportunity to talk to you again. Or maybe not. Hard to say. Perhaps not even all of this will reach you. You are a busy person and I did indulge quite a bit here.
> But I hope you care about and value yourself more for the interaction. Some of us really care that you make it out of this better than you came into it.
> And I hope maybe you take some time to be more willing to know and appreciate yourself for who you are. Not by how much Derrick or anyone else defines you.
> We do add a lot of variables to your plans. But I suppose that is the nature of cooperation between equals.
> I personally understand not liking it. I've never been good at working with teams.
> I tend to always feel like I know best. And I have trouble when other people tell me I don't. Or when people tell me they think they know me better than myself.
> It feels as if this is your experience, too. Though, maybe I'm wrong.
> Still, it often pays to listen.
> Some of us do worry about you, from the place of 'do you need a hug?' Maybe Bob will do so for me?
> But from that same place, it feels like you don't see yourself as someone who people could like, if they knew you. And it feels sometimes that you don't really like you either. So you settle for being useful.
> Which seems sad. You're clever. You can be witty. You're ambitious when it comes to the things you care about. You trust yourself. You're creative. You know your priorities.
> This doesn't mean that you aren't without flaws. You're brittle and hate when things change on you. You're ruthless if something gets in your way. You have a serious temper. And you ignore anything that hurts you or bugs you inside.
> Especially that last one.
> This seems to manifest itself in places like Raziel, where you won't even be willing to let that aspect--whatever he represents--talk to you because that'd mean facing something within yourself you're not comfortable with. Or in your noting you don't have time to entertain the possibility of your Shadow.
> But it's fine to be all those things. It's fine to not be comfortable with yourself. Just like admitting you're depressed is the first step to managing depression, admitting you aren't comfortable with yourself is the first step to being comfortable with yourself.
> But it's that self-discomfort that it seems your reaction in regards to Derrick stems.
> It's why I'd prefer Alice not try to lie to Derrick, just admit she doesn't want to talk about it. Again, we have our right to secrets. Even among our closest friends.
> But, there also isn't really any reason to believe you, in regards to the consequences playing out as you say. Derrick does seem to have the potential to kill Alice and even you, true. But will he use it when he finds out? It's hard to say.
> What matters, I think, is that you believe that there's something about you--something you did or something about yourself--that you absolutely can't show to him (or to us or anyone that could ever interact with your brother) because you believe he'll go ballistic.
> That makes me sad because it devalues yourself.
> As a preface, I'd like to reiterate that I feel, personally, that as this is your secret, it's your place to decide when or when not to reveal it. These are my personal principals. I don't think you should lie about the situation, but it's your place to choice when you--or Alice by proxy--should open up.
> So, let's assume Derrick going absolutely ballistic is the worst case. And let's assume that Derrick taking it in stride and being happy that his sister told him the truth was the best case.
> In most situations, reality falls between the two. It seems as if the outcome would be similar to him getting upset in the dining room and not talking to Alice for awhile while he cools off. A bad outcome, but not the absolute worst.
> We could even move this further and say that he yells at Alice and doesn't want to forgive her for some time. Weeks, or months maybe.
> Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems more probable. Granted, they aren't FUN or GOOD outcomes. But they seem more plausible given that we don't know what the nature of the truth is.
> What we do know is Derrick cares about you. There is a lot it seems he'd be willing to forgive for the person closest to him.
> But even then, your worth is greater than how your brother sees you.
> You've got friends. Lexii would probably take a bullet for you. Lucas could be closer if you let him in and you don't string him along--it'd be hard for him, but I think he'd be there for you even if you were clear that you weren't into him.
> You've got you, too.
> You're more than just Derrick.
> He's important, of course, and we're still on your side in that regard. We want a ending where everyone makes it out alive and, ideally, happy.
> But happy isn't always how we envision it.
> In any case, I've rambled far longer than I probably should. It might be some time before I have the opportunity to talk to you again. Or maybe not. Hard to say. Perhaps not even all of this will reach you. You are a busy person and I did indulge quite a bit here.
> But I hope you care about and value yourself more for the interaction. Some of us really care that you make it out of this better than you came into it.
> And I hope maybe you take some time to be more willing to know and appreciate yourself for who you are. Not by how much Derrick or anyone else defines you.