The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

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>I hear you can dstract the fat man with a strategic placement of milk and cookies. Tis an ancient ritual

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Hi! Our great lord and sire, Emperor Adler II, has had to deploy a tactical milk & cookies distraction and Pook away on sudden business. He has instructed me, Field Marshal Typantronn Smuchpepper Santocup XVII, to fill you in on the next part of the story. Traitors to His Majesty will be punished, but there's no reason the rest of you should suffer a dreadful deprivation of the unadulterated delight I'm sure his narrative brings you each week.

Let's see now, last week you got up to meeting Ash Marten, yadda yadda, he came across very sinister, blah blah blah, tried to blackmail our lord, so on and so forth ... ah! Here we go. Ash's bargain.

"What I propose," Ash said, "is a very reasonable exchange of services. I have been compelled to live in the lowfolk lands for a very, very long time, and consequently I have developed a keen sense of how lowfolk think and what they want. That hair cult of yours is a cute little pet project, but it will be eons before anything actually comes of it. You need something more effective. If you wish, I could talk up the amazing 'Lord Ramble' in just the right way, in just the right places, to just the right people. And rest assured it wouldn't be just me alone; I have many resources I'd be willing to put to work on your behalf. The same success which has attended Walnut Marten could also be yours. I believe you are searching for a certain Skönk femme? I can help with that. Other knowledge which I posses that would be invaluable to you concerns the time slips and how to control them. Perhaps you think you have the knowledge now, but how many decades are you willing to lose to trial and error? What little you've managed to accomplish could be undone in only one time slip - especially if your enemies on this side of the Gate are busy during the weeks, months, years you are absent in Faerie. Just consider the advantage of having friends over here instead, AND knowing how to use the time slips to your advantage."

"Uh huh," our lord answered bravely. "What's the catch? You obviously want something from me in return for these services."

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"Very perspicacious of you," Ash sniffed. "I would be willing to do all of this in exchange for only one tiny, minuscule little trifle. When you are crowned emperor, the pardon you'll give to yourself in order to escape your prison must also extend to me. That's all. I simply want to be able to move freely between worlds again. That's my offer. You can have everything you need to succeed right now; no waiting, no convoluted deals with capricious and unreliable lowfolk, no tedious interviews with people who do not give you your due respect as an elf. Everything right this very moment. How about it?"

"I have to think about it," His Majesty replied sagaciously.

"Naturally I'd be willing to answer any questions you might have," Ash interjected. "By all means, you should make an informed decision. Your caution is understandable, even laudable. But you WILL make that decision before this conversation is over. I insist."

"Okay, give me a sec," our sire brilliantly stalled as he withdrew from the scry space. "I'll be right back."

>... Exactly what dirt would /that/ be that would hurt you here ?
>That you are not the villain everyone in faerie already think you are thank to queen Odessa ? That you didn't start of an horrific war and mass murder on purpose ? That you didn't kill your brother ? That Vulpitia and the sisterhood wee pretty much behind everything ?

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Majestic Adler Young summoned an Ixie - one of my proud ancestors! - to his side, and asked her: "Do you still have any Sisterhood contacts?"

"Maybe," the Ixie replied cautiously, knowing that her master was none too pleased with the morally dubious work that the Ominous Orse (greatest Ixie tribe EVER!!) had done for conflicting parties in the past. "Why dost thou ask?"

(They all talked like that back then.)

"There's this portly old fox-elf calling himself Ash Marten," His Majesty explained. "He might be Vulpitanian but I'm not sure. He's a bad elf, WAY beyond Unseelie, and is obviously under a geas that prevents him from approaching within a certain distance of the Gate. He must have been exiled to the lowfolk world a long time ago. I want to find out who he is and what crimes he committed."

"We could probably find that information ourselves, Sire," the Ixie replied. "Why trouble The Sisterhood?"

"Because the one thing they want is for me to be Emperor," our lord Adler explained. "And they want me to be an Emperor uncontrolled by anyone other than themselves. Ash is trying to extort a royal favor from me by blackmail, and it's unlikely he will stop after he's gotten what he asked for. Blackmailers are never satisfied; I learned that from my lore & history lessons. This puts Ash Marten at odds with The Sisterhood, which is a fact I think they'd be very interested in knowing. I can also tell them what he looks like, and his exact location."

"Blackmail, Sire?" the Ixie asked in shock. "Verily, I think this would be of great interest to The Sisterhood. What exactly has he got on thee?"

"That's just it," our sire explained. "He's bargaining with nothing. He managed to overhear my life's story when I confessed everything to Vernier a while back, and he thinks he can use it to manipulate me. Sure, some of those details would be personally embarrassing if they got out, but the most important parts of the story would only serve to exonerate me and prove my innocence. I don't understand what Ash is trying to pull here. He's either extremely desperate, or he thinks I'm a complete idiot. Or maybe he has something else up his sleeve. The point is, he's threatening me and I don't like it. You get in touch with the appropriate people and I'll try to stall him as long as I can."