The Ballad of Adler Young, Canto 2.5

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Adler: This mustache you have found, it is so powerful, you can feel energy radiating off of it.... yes Adler listen to the power of the mustache... put it on Adler, it won't hurt
Adler: The mustache is powerful, and it gives you the masculine confidence you needed just about now, Ethel's suggestion to use the Ixies may be sound, but you need something more to fuel your ravenous children....... sugar. Maybe it would be pertinent to ask Ethel if Trudy is any good at baking sweets.
>Adler: "Army of bugs... THAT'S GENIUS!" Quickly call your Ixies and tell them to gather many sticks and twigs. You will Gramarye them all into tiny hatchets. You will never want for firewood again.
>Adler: You may have a use for Percy's grandson. He's looking to outshine his ancestor with a bigger and better elf-lore book, and elf-lore is something you know a lot about. For a cut of the profits, you could very well be persuaded to divulge a secret or ten. Elves cannot lie, but what's the harm in telling only the truth that makes you look good and garners sympathy for your cause. Money and possible soldiers on the horizon. How deliciously ironic it is that the descendant of your old enemy should become your business partner/servant in a venture that would aid you beyond belief.
>Adler: As you put on the mustache, experience that mustache feeling
>Ethel: Suddenly Adler is starring into space and babling nonsense (again). slap him out of it.
>Adler: You could use grammayre to make some termites the size of ants !

Cautiously, reverently, I tried on the mustache.

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EALA! I instantly felt more powerful, more confident, more ELFLY!

"YES!" I exclaimed. "It's brilliant! Gather up all the twigs and splinters you can find, so I may arm all of my Ixies with tiny hatchets! Percysthorpe will have firewood enough to last for years! Bards will sing songs of this victory for generations to come!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of pests that devour trees," Ethel remarked. "Like wood-boring beetles or -"

"Termites, of course!" I exclaimed. "I just need a bunch of termites and I'll Gramarye them up to the size of dray ants!"

"I'm pretty sure termites only eat wood that's already dead and rotting," P.J. theorized.

"I have plans for you too, bird," I chuckled. "How would you like an exclusive interview with one of the few elves to survive the Battle of Albric Tor? Oh, the startling stories I could tell you! The lore! Yes, you shall be my unwitting propaganda officer, and after your book is published, volunteers will flock to join my army - OW!"

The mustache fell off as Ethel smacked the back of my head.

P.J: Break out a note pad and in incredibly poor hand writing start trying to document everything you can about this strange Elf whom stands before you, end up drawing a bad stick figure doodle instead. Think to yourself "I'm a genius".
>Ethel: *Facepalm* Very, very calmly, patiently, and angrily explain to Randal that, instead of sending his only allies to their deaths, he think smartly and have his Ixies gather up some wood destroying parasites and covertly distribute them amongst the shrub army.
>Percy jr: Boogles at those shenanigans and jsut take notes. This is gold material

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"Yes, very interesting," P.J. murmured as he scribbled in his notebook. "I'd be glad to take you up on that, Your Lordship."

"Later," Ethel scolded him. "Right now we need to find out exactly what these insects can do. Lord Randall, if you would summon them?"

"Ixies!" I yelled. "Report!"

>Ixies: Absolutely refuse to nibble trees. It's demeaning!
Tell Adler that he needn't worry about the wood parasites. You're an adventurous eater and like a great many more bugs than just aphids. You've been ... gathering up tasty bugs for your dining pleasure. You've got barrels of just the kind of bugs and parasites Adler needs.
>Have you ixies gather some termites at once !

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"Yes, Sire," an Ixie buzzed before me.

"I need you and your sisters to go devour the Shrub Army," I commanded.

"Sorry, Sire," the Ixie replied. "We do not nibble trees. Tis beneath us. However, we dine on numerous pests that do, many more than just aphids. I believe Typantronn hath a sizeable stash of destructive leaf-cutters, stem-nibblers, and pith-borers .."

"Well, have her bring them immediately," I ordered.

"She is presently away with the party carrying out thy previous order, Sire."

>Adler: Liquor firebombs, if you even know that alcohol is flammable.

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"We're back!" Typantronn called out at precisely that same moment, as her squadron appeared - lugging several bags of explosive powder through the air.

"That was fast," I observed.

"We knew where to look," Typantronn replied. "Which I think qualifieth me for promotion to at least Spymaster, if not Generalissimo and Undersecretary of Espionage."

"Excellent work," I replied, rubbing my hands together. "Set the bags aside for now, until I have a chance to properly steam them."

"Randall, you can't steam black powder!" Ethel reminded me, with an exasperated sigh.

"Maybe not with water," I chuckled. "But what about with aqua vitae? Specifically, grain spirits, which I know are flammable."